Debate: Prostitution Wrong?
Debating a negative is kinda hard to follow, but those smarties at NPR could do it: they gathered a panel of intelligensia to debate the topic, Is It Wrong To Pay For Sex? in a moderated and rule-bound debate, which is a far cry than most crappy discussions in the media. After the debate, the audience was polled, and they found that 45% agreed that it was wrong to pay for sex, 46% thought it wasn't wrong to pay for sex, with a few undecided. Which gender thought it was more OK to pay for sex? Men, of course, thinking with their dicks when it comes to matters of public policy, just like that sewer tax referendum last summer.
Cars Get You Laid!
Want to know what car will best get you into a woman's panties? the Wales Institute did some research over in the U.K. and found that chicks dig expensive wheels, so Zoo Magazine dug deeper to find out, specifically, which motor vehicle works the best to induce fucking. The slideshow of results, sadly, are mostly European vehicles. Don't worry, fellow Americans: over there, you have a sexy foreign accent, which will get you into the panties of British chicks faster than driving around some Ford. Speaking of which, the Ford Focus is #9 on their list, which shows just how bad European cars are.
Top Gun Star Gay!
...yes, sensationalist, but it's fun to pretend that Tom Cruise is still in the closet. Top Gun star Kelly McGillis has revealed that her sexuality is more fluid than most, and she's attracted to women. This is despite two previous marriages and two children, which goes to show that coming to grips with finding women attractive can take a while; I was lucky, I was attracted to women from the start. The ongoing threat of Lesbian Overthrow continues, men: prepare to be aroused - if I learned anything from porn, it's that being dominated by two lesbians is the best torture ever.
Storm Trooper Strip Tease!
Art Wars has arrived, and was initiated by a Storm Trooper Strip-Tease, as seen here, which makes me feel kinda weird during the scenes in Star Wars when Luke and Han steal some Stormtrooper armor. Anyhow, the art show is tied to a recent lawsuit over who actually owns the designs for the original Stormtrooper costume. Now that Ainsworth has rights to use it, Art Wars is applying the Stormtrooper art to some worthy purposes, like strippers and putting a pink suit of armor on the subway. Still, more entertaining than Episode I.
Date Nerds!
Your Tango thinks you could do well to date a geek, which is a nice change from the useless stories about how to attract attractive, affluent men. They only give 4 reasons, because doing a list of 5 or 10 was too hard to come up with more reasons. Number 4 is the kicker: while the first three are about how 'nice guys' are nice, the fourth one is all about how he'll put up with you changing his fashion sense. Ladies, just what you want: a nice, compliant guy without an ego, who'll let you dress him up like those attractive, affluent men you really want. This pretty much guarantees that, in two or three months, you'll be that hot crazy chick he was banging until he finally couldn't take it anymore. Good luck, ladies!
More Hot Pepper Nipples!
Beacon apparently didn't think the original album cover was naughty enough - they well totally topless for this version, which seems to have all the same songs, just more nippley:
Kim Kardashian: Role Model!
If you can't trust Sean Hannity, who can you trust? Hannity had noted boob-displayer Kim Kardashian on his show recently, and described her as a role model for young children. I believe he thought he was interviewing Kim Possible, and most of his questions revolved around naked mole rats. As far as conservatives go, Hannity seems to have slipped out one of their secrets: it's okay to be a porn star, as long as you don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. Yay, clean living nudity!
Sylvia Saint's Bathtime!
If there's anybody who can pull off thick eye makeup in the tub, it's Sylvia Saint; not that anyone's paying much attention to her eyes at the moment:
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Two O'Clock Titty!
Architects sometimes defeat themselves with creativity: St. Mary Cathedral in San Francisco has an interesting feature when the sun hits it just right: architectural features cause a giant titty-shaped shadow on the wall, thus causing erections for miles.
Mormons: Sexy Calendars Hurt!
All sorts of groups are printing naughty calendars, titillating ways to make money, and people pony up for them. Mormons, however, don't look so kindly on the practice: they have excommunicated Chad Hardy, telling him he can't graduate from Brigham Young University for 'behavior', for photographing a beefcake Mormon calendar with such amusing subjects as "Captain Moroni." Foul, the Mormon church cries, it's bad publicity, you're hurting the church! Er, I think Mormons make enough bad publicity on their own, but it's easy to punish one guy with a business than to challenge splinter sects. While he won't get his degree any time soon, business is booming: media attention to his exommunication has created demand for his calendars.
Steampunk UK Firemen!
Firemen in the UK have gotten awesome new enclosed helmets, which some compare to Empire Stormtroopers' helmets, but I think the metallic bronzeyness makes them look like steampunk robots. Anyhow, these are awesome, and cheap: under $300 each. Vacuform Stormtrooper armor will cost you about as much!
Fake Tits And Rolleiflex!
Watched "Daisy of Love" on Sunday: holy fuck, that's a trainwreck of a show. VH1 has the awesome ability to assemble casts that are neither offensive nor sympathetic. It usually goes one way or the other, but the VH1 has figured out the equation to create shows that make you not like anybody, but also you don't hate them much, either, so you watch their antics with a passive disinterest that appeases advertisers. All 20 guys vying for Daisy De La Hoya's love are, by most standards, damaged losers with little going for them, except the teacher, the trucker, and the cable guy (at least the ones I remember). This show comes on after Tough Love, juxtaposing two very different ways to look at society's expectation of women's relationship behavior. Daisy, however, is a strange mix of likeability and total revulsion. She's petite, and cute, and she says funny things, just the kind of girl you want to hang out with at a bar, but, unfortunately, she wants to go home with you afterwards. Those lips - I mean - Jesus, does she need to pump 'em up again if she sleeps on her face funny? She's got nice tits; her plastic surgeon did an excellent job. On Daisy of Love, they showed clips from other shows Daisy has been on, and she's actually kinda cute in the flashbacks where she's not all skanked up and makeupped beyond looking human. However, in the long tradition of hot chicks holding Rolleiflexes, she's pretty hot here:
Facebook Boob Touch Redux!
If Facebook isn't ruining your political chances, it may be messing up your marriage plans. Posters on telephone poles in Italy are either advertising the most awesome band ever, or revealing the cheatings of some Italian rogue who didn't connect the dots that his friended fiancee will probably see the picture of him snuggling huge naked boobs that he posted to his Facebook account. If I were her, I wouldn't be pissed that he did it: I'd be relieved that I am no longer getting married to somebody so fucking stupid. Other signs that this article didn't happen in the U.S.: somebody is able to hang up thousands of R-rated images, in public, and she's the hero in the story. Stateside, she'd be in jail and reviled in the media for being a psycho bridezilla. Hooray, Italy! (via)
No Menu: Woot!
Pro-tip: When attending a massage parlor, look for a price guide - if they don't advertise rates and things are negotiable with the masseur, you might be in a den of prostitution. One such establishment, unfortunately, has run afoul of the authorities by performing massages without a license, presumably because hand-jobs aren't the usual licensed-masseur fare. Also of note: The spa also has a dungeon. Palm beach sounds fucking awesome. The massage parlors around here just have aromatherapy foot baths in the basement. Believe me, I checked.
LINGERIE BOWL SEASON!
Well, not now, but you can start getting your tickets for the opener in September if you'd like to get good seats. The league has ten teams for the '09-'10 season, which means lots of sweaty hotties crashing into each other. Hooray for sports!
Bill Macy Is Old!
Bill Macy is old, but that doesn't stop him from being the awesomest fucking grownup in the world. Here's an excerpt from this interview: Back in my day we were protesting the Vietnam War, and the two places you were pretty likely to get laid was at a protest if there was tear gas, if there was violence of any kind, oh my god, you could get laid in a New York minute. The girls got so hot. The second place was the prom. There's heavy drinking. Here's something to wrap around your hat: The nervous car dealer guy from Fargo trolled Vietnam War protests during the Seventies so he could fuck hot tear-gassed hippies. Bill Macy, you were married to Nina Hartley in Boogie Nights, you were the smartest kid in the world in Magnolia, and now you are the one guy in the world I'd want to have my back next time I go to Tijuana. Bring Felicity, she's kinda hot, too.
Best Yearbook Pic Ever!
Marla was never the most popular girl in school: bowl haircut, member of the marching band, small tits compared to the cheerleaders. That is, she was unpopular, until the senior yearbook came out:
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Politics and Sex: Bad!
Poor Ray Lam: this youngster tried to run for political office in his province, but he had to drop out because he was acting like every other fucking twenty-something idiot on Facebook, posting pictures of himself doing PG-rated clothed suggestive touching with, my guess is, political supporters. Yes, unprofessional, but the problem here aren't the expectations political behavior. It's the expectations of not looking like a horny idiot in public. Sure, he's gay, but what could possibly be the motivation to put photos of you touching a woman's breast online - so your coworkers at Best Buy can marvel at you, wondering how you could be so awesome as to actually having touched a breast in your life? Dude, you're on Facebook, you're not that cool.
Nonoxynol-9: Bad?
Here's something I did not know: Spermicide and germicide Nonoxynol-9 has the risk of making AIDS worse, because it's not hard-proven to kill the virus, and it's a harsh chemical that may make it easier to infect a woman with AIDS by irritating her nether-bits. Which, strangely, gives a little more credence to the Pope's argument, but not his solution. Now you know - and knowing is half the battle. Usual caveats: condoms and spermicide are better than nothing, so don't be an ass and tell the woman you should go bareback because condoms kill people, because it shows just what stupid fuck you are. Don't do what the Pope wants you do to - that's crazy-talk!
Catholics: Molest, Not Repress!
Cosmo has cause some hoopla: in their sex advice column, they dared suggest that parental and religious repression during childhood could have caused a woman to be sexually repressed. The article specifically accuses Catholic-school nuns of furthering the case for sexual repression aside from procreation, which is a reasonable accusation, though not Cosmopolitan's only comment. The Catholic League, being known for their progressive, tolerant stance worthy of Jesus' behavior, has lashed out at Cosmo, saying - and this is the quote in the article - "It would never occur to Beland that a woman who is sexually repressed might have been molested growing up". Ah, Catholics: if there's anything they know well, it's sexually-molested children. He then flips the discussion and says, what about having to undo damage caused by years of exposure to Jewish-school teachers or overly liberal parents? Answer: There's no damage to do there; that's a kid with an awesome childhood.
Paddy Pantsdown!
A new children's book has been released: More Sexual Secrets in the Life of Paddy Pantsdown, a sequel to "Sexual Secrets in the Life of Paddy Pantsdown," which earned a Peabody and the Caldecott Medal in 1991. In this story, which builds on the previous book's story of Pantsdown's affair with his secretary, we learn more of Pantsdown's earlier sexcapades. In the new book, rapscallion Pantsdown finds he needs help with his mathematics homework, and gets sent to a tutor. Using color illustrations and a limited vocabulary on par with Dr. Seuss, the story of Paddy Pantsdown recalls how the tutor initiated a sexual relationship with Pantsdown, thus proving that UK newspapers are fucking twee when it comes to cute headlines and nicknames for scandalous politicians, and when somebody who was in a scandal nearly twenty years ago writes a biography, only the sex parts of the book are worth writing about.
No Frank Sex Talk At School!
Oh, dear, where do I start: Let's say you're a church. Now, let's say somebody's up in arms about frank sexual discussion in a school. Wait - what if these two groups were on opposite sides?!? It totally messed up the paradigm: a Baptist church may have to be kicked out of a school auditorium, because their sexually-themed religious sermons are too much for a gradeschool to tolerate. I'd like to feel schadenfreude over a church getting the butt of the sex-unfriendly policies of schools, but that would overrule my enjoyment of promotion of enjoyable sex between couples - and I'm of the opinion that churches should be allowed to rent school space like anybody else; and, lastly, sex isn't nasty in general, and nobody was being forced to go to church. There's just so much conflicting information, my brain might shut do-
Bikini Car Wash!
While, in general, Florida is the suckiest state ever (after all, it is America's Wang), sometimes its awesome floats to the top, as embodied by this: Bubble Bee bikini car wash, in Tarpon Springs, which has just opened for business for the summer, in which bikini-and-shorted coeds give your metallic phallic symbol a good soap up and dry down. God fucking bless America.
DIY Turntable!
It's not just a, "buy $5,000 worth of parts and you'll have an excellent turntable," but far more home-brew geekery at work. Build your own record player, using such awesome parts as a Harley Davidson valve and bearing, and stepper motors taken from hard drives. His turntable can kick your turntable's fucking ass.
Japanese Granny Panties!
These spandex hotpants are all the rage in Japan right now, at least if I can trust anything the internet says about Japan. They're called buruma, slang for 'bloomers' in Japanese, and they look like a cross between tight tennis shorts and granny panties (click the 'mature content' link to see the pics):
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Scary Sexy Eyes!
Holy fuck, have you ever been revolted and turned on at the same time, like the one time you saw pictures of your grandma when she was twenty? The Doll Eye has funky anime-like contacts, which make your iris larger, and the pupils look dilated. It doesn't help that they put them in the eyes of a 3-inch-tall elf for the photos. Dark eyes with huge pupils have always been a big turn-on for me, but there's an uncanny-valley level incongruity here. Maybe I'll only masturbate a little.
Lesbian Onslaught!
Oprah always asks the hard questions: why are lesbians taking over? Answer: because they can. Guys - in general - aren't as sexually flexible as women, but when a woman is presented with some asshole who thinks his dick is god's gift to women (and what man doesn't think such things?) a woman is far more inclined to switch-hit when the pitcher is right. Toss in reduced risk of pregancy, a likelihood of common pasttimes, and (in the Oprah article's case) being famous enough to have your pick of attractive women, and you're in like Flynn. Plus, there's not as much of a social stigma today as in the past, when you had to tell people you were two spinster schoolmarms helping each other out, and nobody wants to pretend to be a schoolmarm, for christ's sakes. In standard Oprah-style, there's also an enormous version of the article on her website.
Eat Her Hot Pepper!
Her pussy may belong to daddy, but Beacon got its money's worth with that song - it appeared again on "Hot Pepper", an equally naughty collection of triple-entendre laden songs:
Nerd Boyfriend!
Want to look all nerdy and shit like William Faulkner or Emo Philips? Check out sparse fashion blog nerd boyfriend, thus ensuring that the only chicks you attract have cat-eye glasses, bad haircuts, a Moleskine poetry journal in her purse, and a crazy streak that'll keep the bedroom happy and the restraining orders a'flying. Fuck, that actually sounds kinda fun. (via)
CA Trains Pronographers!
California has something called the Employment Training Panel, a state-subsidized worker training program that allows people in need of a job to get more education, thus helping the state's economy. Oh, no - people who learn things use them to make porn! And not just any porn, but naughty, Sybian-riding, whips-and-chainsing porn at kink.com. Upon notification, ETP cancelled Kink.com's access to the state money, because it's much better that California employees be under-trained than competitive in the employee market. So Kink.com will have to hire already-trained people with better skills; it's so much different if the person gets training at a failed dot-com, and then hired by a porn studio. California's plan plan intends to help employees and the economy, but now the employee is punished because of the legal business they work for, rather than what they can do for the media industry (California's multimedia and film industry is small, anyhow). Way to use your brains, California! (via)
Bulletproof Bra!
It seems like there's a story almost exactly like this every couple months: Innocent bystander deflects a stray bullet with her bra, saving her life. Women, this is the last time I want to hear you complain about how uncomfortable, how pinchy, how ugly your bras are - they are fucking keeping you alive. As the zombie/Mad-Max end-of-the-world approaches, you'll need all the stray-bullet protection you can get.
Manly Bib!
Feel like you're coming up a little short in the 'manly chest' department? Up your game with a little piece of plastic, a "manly" bib with a much musclier and hairier chest than your nerdy body actually has. Coming up next: manly underpants. 
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Boob Theater!
With the overwhelming positive response to Puppetry of the Penis, Women were feeling left out - and Busting Out was born. Now, don't get your hair in a tizzle: the actresses appear to be older than porn stars, but according to the show's producers, floppiness is better for the performance. Fuck you, perky twenty-somethings! Go take your high-slung breasts to the lad mags if you think they're so great! Sadly, this is a UK thing, but I've seen plenty of floppy American breasts (at least 15), so I'm certain there's enough talent stateside to fill an off-broadway, a Vegas strip, and a touring cast.
Pervirella!
Pervirella runs from the masturbating monster, is saved by Amazons, but is taken captive. Sorry, I think my random sentence generator went haywire...no, no - that's really the only way to explain this clip, from a much larger naughty movie called Pervirella, as discovered by - who else? - a website full of scifi geeks. Congratulations, io9, that masturbating monster will haunt my dreams.
Stuffy Nose? Wank Off!
According to a new study, masturbation helps nasal congestion. Yes, it was released on April 1st, but the journal references aren't April Fool's related, so it's just a wacky coincidence that such a weird story would come out on a day when weird stories are usually ignored. That may be why this amazing solution to so much discomfort would be ignored: scientists, from now on, avoid the "masturbation cures X" stories until later in the year; people won't believe you!
The Girlfriend Experience!
It must be Film Festival season: Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience is being shown at Tribeca, and a trailer has been released. This is the movie with the - omygod - real life porn star in it! They so rarely have been seen in the wild, except as a joke or when the 'mainstream' actors get weird about sex on screen. I've heard good things about it, but mostly because it's naughty; it will probably be a bit to artsy for people who are looking for titillation.
Lucie In The Bathtub
Lucie may not be the wettest babe around, but at least she's trying - nothing's more relaxing than masturbating in a half-drained bubble bath:
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Stripper For Reunion!
Ah, the life of an avant-garde filmmaker: make crazy crap happen and film it, and you've got it made! Case in point: filmmaker Andrea Wachner decided not to go to her reunion, but RSVP'ed anyway. In her place, she sent a lookalike stripper to pose as Andrea, and film the shenanigans. As you might expect, Punk'ding your fellow alumni doesn't get you any brownie points. Unsurprisingly, nobody has picked up her 'documentary' for distribution yet. She's a freelance comedy writer, so I suppose, well, it might have been funny; remember, humorists: if the people who think you're funny are a) your family, or b) they were drunk, you're actual level of funniness is suspect. That said, I may have to find that youtube video: the stripper she hired is rather hot in that Lisa-Loeb/Liz-Lemon/Lana-Lang (Lisa Ling? Lucy Liu? Lori Line? Langelina Lolie?) sort of way. (via)
Topless Italians!
The problem most people have is that the mostly-nude Italians in this classical piece of art are their politicans: Silvio Berlusconi and Minister of Equal Opportunities Mara Carfagna. Insult! they cry, wishing deeply that Berlusconi was also as hot topless as Carfagna. 
Sex Problems, By Fox News
Fox News' Sexpert wants to let you know, if your partner isn't interested in having sex with you, it's because you're not pretty enough, you're not adventurous enough, and you ignore their fantasies all day long. Those are the things you need to change in order to get laid, although, in my opinion, the biggest reason for people to avoid having sex with you is that you listen to fucking Fox News. Even their generic "rephrased from a The Frisky artice" sex advice has the sick stench of conservativism that makes dicks shrivel.
Tire Testing!
*psssssssssssssss* "Here's your problem, little lady: looks like you're about 15psi too low. We'll pump 'em back up and you'll be runnin' fine." From my scientific research, the toy in the photo is some sort of "clitoral pump", which means that she's using it wrong. A clitoral pump is calibrated all different from a tit pump - it's a 'wet measure' versus 'dry measure' thing, I think. You don't want to overfill a pair of breasts, you know. You'll start cornering really rough.
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Beer Googles: FAIL!
Think you can excuse your coyote ugly one-night stands by counting the number of drinks you had? Think again - tests show that men's ability to tell attractiveness and age isn't impaired by getting drunk; what's impaired is your tolerange for ugly, old women, you sleaze. By the end of the night you'll fuck just about anything, and you can't say the beer made her gorgeous.
Overrated Sex Spots!
Marie Claire has decided to tell you that sex in weird places is overrated - the only one I really take offense to is calling shower sex overrated. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've got a thing for soapy tits, so I cry 'heresy!' and notify the inquisitors about this writer. Safety and comfort are overruling factors during sex? Don Juan didn't stop to think, "ow, my back" while fathering 90% of Portugal, did he? No, I don't think he did.
Pussy Belongs To Daddy!
In the catalog of "Records CR/LF Wishes He Owned" is this one - "My Pussy Belongs To Daddy," a treatise on pet ownership, combined with a number of other songs with strangely sexy titles. The cover doesn't give you that impression, does it?
Listen to the title song >>
Spy Camera!
This is a very smart option: mount a USB cam in a wall wart, and you've got a plausible hiding place for a spy camera. Nobody will question a wallwart with a cable running over to a computer - but they're being broadcast to the world over the internet. Smart!
Record Store Day!
Tomorrow is Record Store Day, so head down to that funny-smelling storefront with the surly biker behind the counter, and give him a hug - he deserves it! It's one of those 'made-up' commercial holidays, like Free Comic Day, any of those New Car Events at Trusty Al's Car Lot, or President's Day, but that doesn't make it any less awesome for celebrating vinyl records.
Patty Cake In The Tub
Lovely Patty has the same problem as so many other hot women have: forgetting to undress completely before bathing, which means her slick, see-through top will cling to her soft flesh while she tries to wash. Such trouble, those wet shirts:
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Jack Wranger on Fresh Air!
Jack Wrangler, gay porn icon (although he, so to speak, dipped his toes in regular porn, as well as other arts) died recently, and Fresh Air found an old dusty recording in their archives of an interview between Terry Gross and Jack Wrangler from 1985.
Pornacco!
Movie stars promote it, it's seen as chic and debonair, and society accommodates it at every turn. It's smoking back half a century ago, which this writer sees as a parallel to our current opinion of pornography. Well, sorta: first scroll down to "distinctions with a difference" which erodes 90% of the argument, and then it boils down to this: in the 1950s, society as a whole moralized against pornography, but let people decide for themselves on smoking. Today, smoking is controlled by society, while people are allowed to decide for themselves about pornography. The mechanism for both changes in attitude is markedly different, and it's unfair to think that pornography will follow the same path of cigarettes, even in the writer's own arguments. It would be helpful to believe what the writer has to say if she'd cite her sources: she claims porn incites sexual assault, causes divorces (one very biased source there), gets people fired, that the business has high margins and low cost just like tobacco - but when you write for a university think-tank, nobody expects you to actually know anything: as long as you write convincingly, nobody will take your FranklinCovey planner away. Watch for next week's article, "Pornography is the new child-beating" and "Pornography is the new locking up of pregnant teenagers" as other comparisons to the wholesome 1950s as viewed through very limited cultural contexts but fleshed out with thousands of words of speculation.
Sex Offender Bites Off Penis!
Talk about a super power used for evil: A man has managed to bite off his own penis, which would mean he was flexible enough to get it in his mouth, but biting down is not what most men would do if they had such a talent, if you know what I mean. If only he had used his powers for good...
R-Rated Look At X-Rated Industry
Something for the Netflix queue: Naked Ambition, An R-Rated Look At An X-Rated Industry. It's not so much a film about porn itself, but a visit to two recent AVN awards, which is like going to a tech tradeshow to see how your grandpa uses a celphone. I'm hoping it's like the featurette on the Girl Next Door unrated edition, "The Eli Experience", in which a witty high school student visits AVN and hob-nobs with the porn industry; I could have watched that for a feature-length film.
SEX Cures EVERYTHING!
According to the Sun, who is never prone to exaggeration, the casual relationship (they can see other people) between sex and health can stop colds, prevent heart attacks and cure freakin' diabetes. Other studies have shown that having sex prevents foot fungus, helps you pass your driver's license test, can make you taller, and allows certain people to travel through time. Sex is FUCKING AWESOME.
Marilyn Chambers On The Set!
This site has a great bio (a few years old, though) of Marilyn Chambers, including stories of her time on the set of Behind the Green Door. She smoked pot?!? I'm offended; anyone who needs to get high before filming a psychedelic-trapeeze-interracial-bukakke scene, they don't deserve my respect. Aw, sorry - I can't feel that way about Chambers; she was too awesome to think poorly of.
50 Boob Things!
I've had several of these on this site in the past, but Manofest has done the footwork and pulled together 50 boob-themed products, enough to completely replace having a girlfriend. Frankly, if you have more than 8 of these in your home, having a girlfriend will become an unlikely experience anyway.
Same Sex Kiss Day!
Go ahead, smooch somebody with the same genitalia as you - it's Same Sex Kiss Day! Understandably, most men would rather watch girls kiss than catch The Gay from kissing another guy, but, Jesus Christ, guys, it's as hot for women to see you kiss some guy with 5-oclock-shadow as it is for you to watch babes snog. You might get a foursome out of it, and if he's not The Gay either, there should be no worries about being expected to blow some guy; it's not "Same Sex Blowjob Day", that's in October, I think.
Free Tax-Day Toys!
Get yourself to a Babeland right away tomorrow: they're hoping to counteract tax-day stresses by handing out free vibrators. If you're already a Babeland customer, you probably have one of your own already, so do your own good deed for tax-day: get a free vibrator, and give it to someone who really needs it, like your accountant. They'll appreciate it.
I LIKE SQUARE BUTTS!
I think lots of people have been taking bets on how long the Burger King Sir-Mix-A-Spongebob commercial would be on the air until complaints get it pulled. The ad appears to be promoting a sale on Spongeboob-themed kid's meals, but the over-the-top sexiness of staring at square butts overshadows the frugality of the message. I saw from the start what the article says: the commercial is aimed at adults, to get their attention (and how attention-getting it is!), so I'm wondering where the 6-year-old saw the commercial; I don't watch a whole lot of TV, but I've only noticed the ads later in the evening. Anyhow, if the Sun-Times can find one 6-year-old who has been irrepairably harmed by boxy buttocks, you can bet there'll be more; the commercial won't last long at this rate.
Busy Background!
Holy crap, Mr. Production Designer, did you have a bunch of bad 70s wrapping-paper to dispose of? Maybe the photoshoot took place in the Children's Bathroom Wallpaper Section of Home Depot. The patterns are making me dizzy - according to the website, if you stare long enough and cross your eyes, the image of a naked girl will appear:
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Withnail and I: On The Set
The FirstPost has an excellent, but short, photogallery of actors on the set of the loopy British comedy Withnail and I; it was on some all-movie cable channel a while back, and it was great, in that 'droll-not-sure-what-they're-kidding-about' way that's so much fun in British cinema. Harry Potter's uncle plays a pushy gay guy - that makes it awesome to begin with.
Art Before Bedtime!
The sad thing is, there's outrage about this in the U.K. Normally, no nudity can be shown on TV in the UK before the kids are in bed, but C4 is bucking the trend by showing an art programme using nude models over the lunch hour. Haven't they learned enough from America yet: All nude art is pornography; somebody might find it sexy, we need to be protected from our own urges! I've often thought European TV was completely awesome for its healthy opinion of the human body; glad to see it's still working that way, despite the prudes.
Marilyn Chambers Passes Away
Marilyn Chambers has passed away today; she was 56. A moment of silence for her; she has always been one of those porn-stars who has seemed very grounded, not the stereotype that is so undeserved in the industry.
No Hooker Tax!
Be glad, oh patrons of the world's oldest profession: Nevada's politicians decided against a tax on prostitution, because the more tax the brothels pay, the more influence they have as a genuine business. Because, y'know, there's nothing businesslike about a transaction for services that involves an exchange of money.
Zach & Miri: Good Porn!
Kevin Smith has a new job: porn director! BlueBlooded has watched Zach and Miri Make a Porno and decided the director has some talent for filming believable sex. It might have something to do with Smith having a big enough budget to hire some well-trained actors, but there's been plenty of big-budget movies with some poorly-done sex scenes, that it might appear Smith just has a talent for filming fucks. This new up-and-comer is one to watch the next time the AVN awards roll around!
Statue Tits Anger Clergy!
I read about this a few days back, but nobody had a good picture - until now. An innocuous antique shoppe has a statue outside, holding up a sign, but a local priest has a problem with the statue's erection-provoking cleavage. The pirate chick statue isn't nude, or particularly naughty compared to the beach, but there's enough skin to make a priest uncomfortable, which has encouraged the church to take out its rage on the little old ladies running the antique shoppe. Remember, antique shoppe grannies are the most insidious of pornographers.
Pilot BJ Fail!
Next time you're flying around some random pornstars, don't get a blow job. Wait until you've landed: a helicopter pilot got a hummer from a porn star in-flight, and made the mistake of letting someone videotape it, which, of course, made its rounds on the internet until the FAA caught wind of it. License revoked, but, hey, he can get his Adult Performer union card now - a new career awaits!
Cheated? Don't Tell!
Sleeping around? Don't tell your partner, or they'll feel sad. Oh, wait: if you're feeling guilty about cheating, don't tell your partner, or you're just relieving your guilt while dumping emotions on your partner. Wait, so I'm supposed to admit cheating while I'm having fun at it? That may make a little sense, but it ensures that she leaves, and then it's no longer "cheating"; so, I suppose, the theory is to cheat long enough to feel guilty about it, and then you won't have to tell anyone. Problem solved!
Hooker Chimps!
Up next on a very special Lancelot Link: A young chimpanzee girl is forced into prostitution, only to be paid in Baconators for her...oh, wait - female chimps in the wild do accept payment of meat for sex, no coercion or violence involved. Now, next time you want to have some hot chimpy sex, you won't have to date her for a month or two before she puts out - bring some Braunschweiger and you won't have to rent that hotel room for the whole night.
First Direct-to-Vinyl Recording!
I'm not sure what a "Duke Special" is (sounds like a "reverse cowboy" mixed with a "wet sambo"), but The Duke made history recently by performing for the first direct-to-vinyl live recording in an estimated 30 years. I couldn't find specifics on how they recorded 'direct to vinyl', as usually a lacquer, ceramic, plastic, or metal mastering disc is usually the intermediate between live and vinyl. But, anyhow, it's probably the truest recording made in decades, avoiding digital degradation or tape hiss; if only everything was tube-controlled, it would be the most awesome recording event ever.
CBGB Walkthrough!
Holy crap, somebody put a lot of work into this: a virtual walkthrough of the venerable CBGBs. Navigation sucks, and it downloads are really slow to get to anything good, but, hey, difficulty in walking around and the boredom of holding on until something good shows up is kinda how the place worked. (via)
Condoms: Fuck In The Sun!
Hansaplast is trying to get across that their condoms make sex longer, but apparently it doesn't improve your technique; fucking a bikini gal from behind long enough for her to tan around you is probably a sign you need to change up your game; rotate your bikini girl while fucking, and you'll get a more even tan. 
Sex Toys for Men!
There are thirteen sex toys for men? I mean, at least 13? "My Expressions Live" has made a list, in case you need a more complex way to tug your tommy. The pumps, though, never work for shit; trust me.
Henry Rollins' House!
Times are tough, but getting good for the famous-housing market: first, Hef sells his house, and now we find out that Henry Rollins is a movin' on up, and out of his classy "Craftsman-style" Hollywood home. Realtors have reported hey use the baking-cookies smell to cover up the lingering scent of angry and muscles.
Porn: Comfort Food!
It takes a media analyst to come to this conclusion: porn is a libido-destroying distraction from your own lack of sex. Watch the bad acting, poor craftsmanship, and depressing formulaic regularity of the average hotel-room porn, and your libido will be properly defused. I properly "defuse" myself to porn in a different manner, sir, and I argue that hotel room porn is probably not the best place to be looking. It's like complaining that your Filet-O-Fish lacks the subtle woodiness of a freshly-caught trout straight from a high-altitude Wyoming stream.
A Girl's First Playboy!
A young Jamaican writer has crossed a line so few dare: she read a Playboy. And, of course, she reviewed her experienced, as the first time she had viewed an adult magazine, which has a cute "visitor from Mars" sensibility about it. "It turns out that Playboy has the same layout as any woman's magazine" and "But, if that doesn't work for you, there is also one of her in the buff, of course with the truck" are excellent naiive observations. She, surprisingly, reaches the conclusion (possibly because of the statements ubiquitousness), that men buy Playboy for the articles, and the nudes are a bonus.
Today Show Nude!
I never realized the Today Show was so edgy: after traveling to the New York Academy of Art, the four anchors each painted their own nude painting. Oh, no! exclaimed NBC censors, a nude painting has - omygod - genitals, let's cover those up right away! So, when the paintings, designated to be sold for charity, appeared on TV, tape was placed on the abstract genitals that Matt Lauer had so carefully crafted with his own two hands. The anchors told themselves, fuck this, the internet will tell us what's appropriate to show on TV! One online poll later, and the censor's tape was removed. The four paintings all sold on eBay, with Meredith Viera's painting (rightly so) drawing the highest bids. Excellent work, Today Show pornographers - so many young children will now be sent to a life of drug use because of Al Roker's nude.
Porn Hyperbole From Politician!
In response to the story a few days ago that Pirates II was being screened on college campuses, politicians flexed their muscles and threatened to cut funding if porn were shown on campus for entertainment purposes; in most states, I'm not sure that would even be legal for the government to threaten, but the university caved and cancelled the screening. No, the huge knee-jerk reaction gets worse: Maryland state senator Andy Harris opined that students can't smoke on campus, but could watch porn - an outrage he says, because "Occasional viewing of porn is more dangerous than occasionally lighting up a cigarette." Oh my flying fuck, this guy dresses himself in the morning? Hyperbole aside, here's just how crazy Harris' statement is - a campus member of the anti-pornography feminist group Feminism Without Borders had this to say: "Generally, I think it's a bad idea. I think it's exploitative and objectifies women. This film would not have had a huge effect on campus. It is not the state's job to dictate morality." When the Dworkinized feminists sound more sane and level-headed than you in regards to porn, State Senator Andy Harris, you begin to sound like a crackpot. Sure, let's say a college says, "no, this violates school rules, we had a meeting about it, and porn will not be shown," that would be a smart and prudent way for this to have been handled. For the college to go through regular channels, approve the film to be shown, and then cave to assholes from the community who threaten hurting educational programs just to stop the evils of porn, that's unbelievably stupid. You'd think college-educated administrators would be smarter than that.
Sexiest Sci-Fi Scenes!
What's sexier than a movie written by and for men who have probably had serious difficulty getting laid during their life? Nothing, that's how. Topless Robot, an erectionally-arousing phrase if I ever heard one, has compiled a list of the 7 sexiest film sex scenes ever. Computer-Human sex? VR-coitus-interruptus in Demolition Man? Methinks the TR writer has had his own difficulty in accomplishing sex himself.
Foiled By Sex Lines!
The way you'd think it, every other phone number directs to a sex line. In yesterday's news, those now foiled by phone-sex typos include a regional cereal company, and the fucking White House. Makes you wonder if graphic designers and secretaries are getting paid a little something under the table to flip digits, because there's benefit in a spam-like conversion rate where 2% of international reporters trying to get a hold of Mr. Obama got the sex line and thought, hell, as long as I'm here...
Sexapalooza, Again!
The Sexapalooza people would like you to know that they're making Hamilton Ontario a naughtier place today and tomorrow, hopefully producing the same sort of erotic assault that they did in London last month. Still to fucking far away for me to attend, but you horny bastards in Buffalo can grab your passports and head for the border.
Ice Knife!
Dude, remember when that movie had that bullet made of ice, and then they shot the president, but the ice bullet melted? Okay, the Mythbusters mythbusted that busted myth, but ThinkGeek seems to think the method has promise: make an ice-knife, and you can cut people with the anonymity of any average ice-cube! On one hand, you can't stab anyone with ice! On the other hand, Mythbusters proved that icicles could kill, so there may be something behind it. Of course, ThinkGeek does the "NOVELTY PURPOSES ONLY - not for actual murder", but when the prime suspect in next week's stabbings is Frosty the Snowman (until his body turns up in a BDSM dungeon, chained to a wall and stabbed by an ice knife, if CSI shows have taught me anything), then you'll be sorry you sold such implements of goosepimply death, ThinkGeek! 
Sweden: Same Sex Marriage!
Yet again, Sweden proves they're a better country than the United States: the entire nation of Sweden has legalized same-sex marriage, thus making those Swedish Bikini Team (wait, what?) fantasies all the more hotter, amirite? The United States should fear this development, though - when sinewy, blonde busty women can marry each other, what chance to fat, grubby Americans have? None, that's who.
Funny = Sexy!
Guys, buy that lewd knock-knock joke book you've been looking at: women believe that men who have a sense of humor are sexier, which is why I'm no longer allowed to tell jokes at the front desk at work anymore. We've had to fire too many secretaries for lusting after my funny ass. Including my mom.
Lomo Instant Camera!
The low quality of a Lomo lens not gritty enough for you? Throw in this conversion kit, which allows your Diana lomo-style camera to shoot on to Fuji instant-mini film, thus giving you the finest photos to glue-stick on cardboard for your Graphic Design 205 collage project next week!
Tom Waits: LA Rock!
Tom Waits is a huge character on his own, but the way he describes L.A. during his formative years, he was the most grounded person around him. GQ interviewed Waits in what seems to be part of a series designed to make cool musicians feel old.
Ironic Intercourse!
What is the irony of intercourse? That neither side might be doing it right, while pretending to do it for the other one's sake. Solution: tell the other side what the fuck you want. Instead, each side will be fucking according to the stereotype of what they think you want, and is that any fun? Of course not.
Maxim: Learn About Women!
Your Tango has an expert in their midst, a former editor of Maxim, who is sharing by disclosing the nine things about women that you can learn from Maxim. On one hand, it's a subtle description of the misogyny-lite that Maxim is known for - but on the other hand, I've known women that fit every fucking thing on that list at one point or another. That's why women are such a mystery; just when you think you've got them figured out, they do exactly what you don't expect them to do.
College Students Watch Porn!
...and they're watching it as a student association event! UC Davis is showing "Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge" to students interested in such works of art, which means they'll probably have to turn people away. If it were posted by the Sacbee a day later, I might think it's a April Fool's joke, but it seems Digital Playground does college screenings on a regular basis. As the LAist article states, UCLA's screening of Pirates II had more attendees than the other movie screening where fucking Alan Rickman showed up. Porn beats Rickman yet again.
Sexy Teacher: Not Allowed!
Are you somewhat hot, and plan on working with children for a living? Don't bother, it'll be used to make your life harder. A teacher in the U.K. as been reprimanded for posting lingerie photos online and participating in "sexy" contests, because, according to parents, it is inappropriate to accept your sexiness in a positive and self-affirming way, if kids are going to know you exist. She should come over here to the U.S. - for the time being, if you're hot and working in an adult form of entertaniment, "it's the recession's fault."
