"Yeah, I'll have a couple Dempseys and one of those Ted Williams' ones...for a friend". These sports-branded condoms are up for auction, but it's unlikely they're authorized by the sports legends they're intended to represent. I suppose it's more for plausible deniability -- "no, I bought them for the sports hero on the box, I didn't look at what's inside!" -- than it is to attract buyers, because I think anyone shopping for condoms already has incentive to buy them, regardless of who's on the front.

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Wilson Kipsang was about to cross the finish line at the Berlin Marathon today, setting a new record time, but he wasn't the first to cross the line. Some asshole promoting an escort website jumped the fence and crossed first, getting himself on the Jumbotrons and hopefully his ass kicked by a Berlin police officer. Go pay some white trash person to tattoo your URL on their forehead, don't mess up a record-setting sporting event. Jerk.

It makes perfect fucking sense: you don't limit your advertising to just people who are already consuming a product. A billboard for McDonald's right next to a Burger King might not be a horrible idea, but try putting one along the freeway exit, where hungry people looking for fast food are actually at. That's the theory Eat24 went with -- but rather than billboards, they went to where hungry people on the internet are: porn sites. More businesses need to get with the program, and forget about all the puritanical bullshit. Porn consumers aren't obsessed freaks who only shop for porn and nothing else -- they're the people who buy XBoxes and Fords and iPods and tickets to sports games and movie theatres. And -- and this is the most important part -- advertising on adult sites is fucking cheap, per impression, compared to mainstream websites. Do that math, business, and realize that there's a whole world waiting to see your ad. We're tired as hell of "local MILFs waiting for you" and one crazy trick your doctor won't tell you.

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This is what Superbowl commercials look like when made by Bizarro Crispin-Porter. Normally, to get buzz about your Superbowl commercial, you take something lame like domain name registration and add boobs, and that gets you kicked off TV. In Bizarroworld, you take a super-sexy product like porn, and tone it down with a pre-lemonparty gathering of old people...and then get kicked off TV. But, you can't blame them for trying. You can't unsexy commercials too far, otherwise they start to look like a Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial. There's no loss for Pornhub, though - it's not like there's any overlap in the audience for the NFL and the audience for pornography, is there?

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When I was a kid, National Lampoon was awesome because it was full of naked boobs but nobody thought of it as porn. In France, apparently every magazine is awesome like that. Below is a fake ad from the French magazine Hara Kiri showing proper use of potatoes for female hygine. Mmmmm, potatoes.

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My first reaction to this comic is, pfsh, that's happened to me like a zillion times. But, then I thought about it: no, never with a food cart; no, I think the toilet was pointed the wrong direction; no, I don't think I've ever accidentally fucked anyplace where they had those glass guard-rails. No, they're right: I better wear condoms instead. This is from some German ad agency, info here.

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The one way I know to get the attention of an assured 50% of the viewing audience is to show boobs. Sure, I have no idea what they're advertising, especially since it appears to be some Russian thing, but, hey - BOOBS! And, technically, this throws in the second-most important thing to attracting guy eyes: car crashes. Boobs and car crashes, all in thirty seconds - Burger King needs to hire whatever ad agency made this video, they'll totally win all the Addy awards again.

Full video here.

Following the trend of boot companies looking to feed the hipster market, Dayton Boots are going edgy with their ads. Which is too bad, because the boots are actually nice looking, but without steeltoes and with a pricetag of several hundred, fashion is their goal more than selling workboots. Just look at their testimonial page: Their customers play gigs, ride motorcycles, perform in historical reproductions as a blacksmith, and perform the duties of a "mens stylist". In other words, Dayton's ads should tell you that they used to be a kickass boot company, now they want you to look retro while you're flirting with that chick with the tattoo sleeves.

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The Cycles Gladiator wine, known for the vine-ripened grapes in the California valleys that make up their vinyards, is known for something else at the other end of the country: their nude bottle labels. The Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board recently decided that the label was too "offensive or immodest", thus making it illegal to sell in their grand state. The style of this label, and others from the same winery, is of the 19th century French Impressionism, which, as it shouldn't surprise anyone, Alabama has no place for in their culture.

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New, from the minds of Carl's Jr: Hot Chicks Eating Burgers. Dear god, when you distill hamburger marketing down to its bare essentials, it gets even better. I mean, check out the maid one: french dip, french maid, and a sadness behind her eyes that nobody can love away. Bonus points: I learned of this ad campaign from Diane Sawyer, who devoted more time to these videos than, well, these videos. Aside from the new Hot Chicks campaign, every other ad they reference has been seen here, too. I fear Sawyer is reading my blog for segment ideas. Curse you Diane Sawyer!

Let's say you run a sex-focused website, and you need content. Why not take ads for escorts from other websites and run them for free on your own? No go, says those free-ad hookers, adding: "It's attracting idiots, bloody psychos. They say they are just making inquiries but they just sound weird. I had one who asked me if I would come up to Auckland." My guess is "coming up to Aukland" is something akin to a snowball blowjob, but I'm not sure. Anyhow, advertising gurus know you want ads targeted and relevant, which is why you can't see an unblurred T-shirt in a rap video or on John and Kate Plus 8. The guy who ran the ad for free thinks the prostitutes are crazy to be against his charity, claiming lots of women enjoyed the free attention. My guess is those homely hookers were more than willing to "come up to Aukland," so to speak.

Porn is mainstream, according to the New Zealand Herand, in an article that's surprisingly balanced, covering both the plusses and minusses espoused by the general public. Nearly everything else I've read in the media of late focuses on, "wah, it abuses women and gives men a false ideal of sex!" without much evidence, or the counterpoint, "wah, Power Rangers teaches violence and gives children a false ideal of independence and power!" or "wah, Sex In The City gives thirty-somethings an unreasonable ideal of dating and rent prices in New York City!" Hmmm...those kids who were raised on Power Rangers over the past 16 years are in their twenties now, and consuming all that porn. Maybe there is something to the idea. All entertainment must come in the form of quiet conversations about mundane parts of daily life, such as the length of time a bus ride lasted! We cannot stand too much excitement! I agree, though; there is an awful lot of mysogyny in porn - but the Hays Code cleaned up the regular movie industry without dismantling it; porn isn't the problem, a sense of quality is what needs to be fixed.

I think lots of people have been taking bets on how long the Burger King Sir-Mix-A-Spongebob commercial would be on the air until complaints get it pulled. The ad appears to be promoting a sale on Spongeboob-themed kid's meals, but the over-the-top sexiness of staring at square butts overshadows the frugality of the message. I saw from the start what the article says: the commercial is aimed at adults, to get their attention (and how attention-getting it is!), so I'm wondering where the 6-year-old saw the commercial; I don't watch a whole lot of TV, but I've only noticed the ads later in the evening. Anyhow, if the Sun-Times can find one 6-year-old who has been irrepairably harmed by boxy buttocks, you can bet there'll be more; the commercial won't last long at this rate.

Hansaplast is trying to get across that their condoms make sex longer, but apparently it doesn't improve your technique; fucking a bikini gal from behind long enough for her to tan around you is probably a sign you need to change up your game; rotate your bikini girl while fucking, and you'll get a more even tan.

Don't look now, but the Legos you knew and loved decades ago have grown up with you. Now, it's quite clear there's nothing actually "lego" about these photos - they look more like an ad for encouraging high-bandwidth pornography. They appear to be a creative advertising agency's way to build buzz about themselves; Lego will eventually disperse a press releace denouncing the ads, and some ad company will say "it was an internal project; we never intended for it to 'get out'". It doesn't even look like Legos in any way: Legos have never been 1x1 ratio when seen from the side, and there's no posts on the tops of the blocks these seminude ladies are made from. If you shrink a nude jpeg down to a few pixels wide, enlarge it, and build it out of blocks in a way to create shadows, then maybe that's what we're seeing. Legos, not so much.

A blow-up sex doll activates in the mail -- causing a bomb scare. The mailer said he's returning the doll because "it kept turning itself on at the wrong moment."

A survey by tootimid.com says people often fantasize about exes, co-workers, and celebrities WHILE having sex with their partner. Only 57% actually think about their partner; celebrities came in at the lowest, while exes were the top non-partner. Ex-partners!

UK distilleries are to be barred from making advertisments suggesting that alcohol can get you laid -- what, the only good part of getting drunk can't be a selling point?

British Telcom has put child-porn blockers on their networks and are shocked -- shocked -- by the number of perverts hitting the firewall. "The exact number of people trying to look at the sites is unclear because some may be making repeated attempts."

What do you get when you mix nudes, body paint, and the zodiac into one thing? You get the Nude BodyPaint Zodiac!

Those Jamster commercials all over cable TV are really annoying....but I'm not going to talk about the validity of advertising or paying for stupid phone ringtones/screensavers/etc.

What I'm here to talk about is the "Crazy Frog," one of Jamster's favorite characters. He's in a lot of the commercials, and has one commercial devoted specifically to himself.

What I find amusing -- in a childish way -- is that Mr. Crazy Frog has genitals. They're properly placed, they wiggle as he moves, and there's nothing obscuring them. They're THERE, stuck on the front of what, in crazy Frog World, could be considered the groin. And this is on commercials and their website! Last I checked (and I don't check often), frogs of any sort don't have genitals like this. Apparently when developing into bipedal form, the Crazy genus of Frogs felt the need to show their penis off to the world. Thanks Jamster!