Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'


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Best Time For Sex!

Science has been putting out a lot of information on the best times of day to have sex, what with circadian rhythms and all that. Is it possible you're fucking at the wrong time, and that's the reason for all the problems in your live? You never know -- here's what science says:

Fuck in the Morning!

Getting those endorphins flowing is better for starting your day than a cup of coffee, so this study says to fuck when you get up in the morning. Plus, you're already in bed together, and I assume you've both got to get up, so why not take advantage of the timing and just go to town, shower, eat a nice breakfast, and get on with your day!

A While After You Wake Up!

No, wait...don't fuck right away in the morning, give it about an hour for your systems to get up to speed, and maybe brush your teeth first?

Noon Sex!

Sweden thinks nooners are so important for employee morale that they're willing to pay people to fuck over their lunch hour. I can't argue with that logic; a lot of people do get a whole hour for lunch, and after the fifteen minutes of eating, what else is there to do? Have a quickie on the dining room table and get back to work happier than ever!

Fuck In The Afternoon!

This study shows that hormone levels are best about 3pm, so a little Afternoon Delight is in order to keep your sexual juices flowing. I know, a lot of you are like, "I'm at work, how is that gonna happen?" Well, most businesses give a 15-minute break about that time, so maybe your best bet is to find a willing and available coworker and cross it off both of your to-do lists.

Fuck After The Gym!

OK, maybe 3pm is too exact - but when you just get home from the gym - all endorphinified, blood flowing, sweaty (maybe shower first) is the best time to track down your lover and extend your workout for a few minutes.

Fuck Before Dinner!

You never want to do anything energetic with a full stomach, so maybe fuck before you have dinner, otherwise you might end up a lump on the couch without any means for actually getting into a lovemaking mode without triggering heartburn.

Fuck Before Bed!

Sex right when you go to bed has been shown to improve sleep, which is key to starting the next day off right. And, like morning sex, you two are already in bed so why not make it a little fun!

Whenever the fuck you want to!

This survey actually asked people when they fuck (crazy, I know, right?) and the responses show that it's pretty much when you're most likely to find sexual partners in bed together and nothing pending on the docket. Weekday nights and weekend mornings? Crazy!

The common connection between all of these is that people have sex when their partner is available and ready to go, so make that your goal: don't set a reminder or an alarm clock for the "scientifically-determined best time" according to articles: the best time is whenever your lover is in arm's reach and you've got a few minutes of private time to spend with them.

Places Not To Put Your Cock

The old story goes that a dude would fuck a knothole if given the chance, but, really guys, you need to be careful where you stick your dick. The penis is a somewhat fragile piece of equipment, and if you're not careful with it you'll impede your favorite pasttime by damaging it. So, take note of these places not to stick your dick:


5. Your Ex

This isn't necessarily about damaging the penis, exactly, but the emotions connected to it. You're ex is an ex for a reason; don't let the comfort of a known party to cloud your judgement by either making a booty call, or accepting a booty call, from someone that's a former sex partner. The fallout isn't worth it.

4. A spot of friction

A penis gets hard, sure, but the outside layer is soft and fragile. Most soaps don't provide a lot of lubrication, plastics are smooth but not really slippery, and humping anything covered in fabric is guaranteed to cause a rash. Even dry skin can be a bit of an irritation. Circumcised guys even moreso: there's less 'stretch' for you, which means the rubbing is going to leave a mark. Invest in some lube before you start rubbing against most materials. Make sure you use some real lube and choose your hump-targets properly.

3. Too basic or too acidic

Fucking some sort of fruit is a time-honored hobby of anybody with spare melons, but be careful which kind you partake in. If you're using something not designed as a sex lubricant, and it's significantly more acidic or basic than water, it's going to irritate your skin, and you're gonna have a bad time.

2. Anything too hard to break with your hands

The news loves a story about some guy who decides to fuck something made out of metal -- benches, machine nuts, weightlifting equipment, etc. -- and the aftermath in which a fire department needs to cut said item off the penis with the Jaws of Life. Even once a penis gets hard, it can engorge more during the excitement, causing it to get stuck, and once a penis gets stuck, the blood vessels are kinked closed so the blood can't get out and the penis can't go flaccid again...and now your dick is trapped. Make sure any place you stick your dick can stretch, unsnap, or be broken free without the help of twenty firemen.

1. Anyone who doesn't want it stuck there

It should go without saying, but some people turn into assholes when it comes to where they want to stick their dick. If the intended receptacle is another person, make sure they actually want that penis coming towards them. Like, actually wants it as much as you want to put it there. Imbalance in that amount of excitement is a sign you're not wanted there, and that's the last place your dick should be.

The Saddest Brother!

Saw this on Gracie's site, it evoked a chuckle...It's like how the best barber in town has the worst haircut. There's some things that just can't happen.

What's New!

In case you haven't noticed, I've been Tweeting instead of blogging -- go follow me if you miss me. Here's some high points:

Blizzards With Benefits!

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, and since New York is expecting three feet of snow, let Craigslist find you somebody to fuck until the travel ban is lifted! I know, the lyrics don't work well, but finding a snowbunny with benefits in New York seems to be working. Lonely hearts in the big Apple are looking for lovers via Craigslist to have some fun-time during the weather emergency; whether they're successful, I don't know, but you gotta credit people for having their mind in the right place, rather than buying twelve loaves of bread to tide them over for a two-day vacation.

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Most Dangerous Position!

Here it is, folks: after collecting an enormous amount of data, science has identified the most dangerous sex position: cowgirl -- not reverse, just a regular one -- otherwise known as 'girl on top', results in a huge amount of injuries. They're not measuring dangerousness in terms of severity of injuries: sex while skydiving or while a tiger is walking by both sound significantly more dangerous, but are reassuringly infrequent. Cowgirl, however, involves a hundred or more pounds of sexy babe coming down on a relatively fragile part of the male anatomy, resulting in a significant number of broken penises. It's not nearly as easy to break lady-bits, so guys, be careful: it might be a lot of fun, but a broken penis is no joking matter. However, you don't need to treat the penis like it's a fragile piece of fine porcelain; cowgirl shouldn't be avoided, ladies just need to be be aware that you must take care of your favorite toys while you're playing with them, broken toys aren't nearly as much fun.

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Fifteen Shades of Sex Positions!

Er, only fourteen, but some intrepid illustrator has put together a visual reference for all the major sex positions referenced in Fifty Shades of Grey, in case the poor writing and immature structure of the book wasn't clear enough that you'd need pictures to get it. Can you tell I couldn't finish reading it? Anyhoo, take a look at what Fifty Shades of Grey offers in terms of erotic content, take notes, and then at least admire that Cosmo's publishing illustrations of sex positions that are at least humanly possible. Although this one is a little suspect: he's controlling that floating benwa ball with HIS MIND!

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Smartphone Cockblock!

A new study has come out to say that Brits are having less sex than 20 years ago because of financial stress, job worries -- but OMG, online porn and tweeting in bed! Of course, whenever there's a new study out about sex acts, the most sensational stuff is in the lede and the less sensational stuff is more real but not as interesting to talk about. I doubt their study found tons of men turning down sex because they're busy posting selfies to Facebook.

However, some of the more interesting things are that women aged 16 - 24 were the most sexually active, more than even the most active men, which was 25 - 34 -- go get 'em, teenaged ladies!

Also they report that women only have 7.7 partners while men have 11.7 -- or about 1/3 fewer partners, which means men on average have 4 homosexual partners in their entire life -- every damn one of them -- or there's just an inflation in men's numbers and deflation in women's numbers, which seems the most likely. I suppose the other alternative is that those 4 partners on average are the same women, so those gals really get around without throwing off the women's average. People who do these studies fail to realize that heterosexual sex has one woman and one man, by definition; sure, there's probably going to be a little discrepancy between the numbers, but 1/3 difference? Somebody's not counting properly.


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More Men, More Sex!

Here's the clues to a better sex life, ladies: be around more men. No, it's not that there's cheating going on, or that spontaneous gangbangs appear more often in your life. It's the unsexy term "sperm competition", a gladiatorial spectacle known since...no, it's that when men perceive they're one of many potential mates, they're more interested in having sex with you. Potential is the key here: the woman doesn't need to do anything, except happily enjoy more sex due to the neanderthal brain of her partner who wants to get in there before anyone else does.

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Swinger Club Ettiquette!

So, you've decided to go to a sex club but you don't know what to do? PopSugar has the skinny for you. Short answer: don't be a dick. Long answer: it's not quite as complicated as you might think, and probably less complicated than finding a sex club in the first place.

This picture is unrelated, but I thought it was too awesome to pass up.

Scroguard!

Ever have sex and wonder whether you can get a disease with all those fluids just squirting all over like a lawn sprinkler with allergies? Scroguard has your back! Well, it's mostly your front, because that's the part that is touching somebody else's naughty bits. A condom may protect the penis itself, but there's plenty of other areas that come in contact, particularly since Herpes is spread by skin contact all over down there, not just PIV sex. If you're really worried about any skin contact, The Naked Gun shows how it's done.

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Pets: Sex Trouble!

Why aren't couples having sex? According to this survey, most of the time it's because of financial stresses. A third of the time, however, it's the dog's fault. Mind you, this is a British survey, so you may need to factor in the stoic British passive aggressiveness.

"Yes, it's Fido's fault we haven't had sex in a while."

"Indubitably, darling, were it not for the dog's snoring, we would be banging right now."

"Yes, bad dog! Snoring...and leaving the toilet seat up, boy, I do hate that! Bad dog!"

"Well, in that case, don't forget how...Fido...forgets to balance the checkbook and we get an huge overdraught fee for going over only a few quid. Bad dog!"


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Older Women: Better Lovers!

"Sexpert" Tracey Cox wants you to know that older women are better lovers. However, really, that's like asking which is better: a Tesla S versus a 70s-era Barracuda. Both have their pluses and minuses, it's all a matter of taste, you see. Note that they distinguish between "MILFs", which apparently is any 20-something that looks of child-bearing age, and 40- to 50-somethings, like the lady you see below, who is almost 40 in this photo. Attractiveness isn't the whole game, though: Cox points out that an older woman likely has figured out sex by now, and is more likely to have fun doing it.

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Bike: Bettter Sex!

A survey of people in Britain has proven that people who ride bike to work have better sex. Well, after a while I suppose. Once you get through the first couple months of biking, I'm sure the positive effects are seen, but those first two months, when you arrive home from work, dripping with sweat, wheezing, thighs twitching uncontrollably, and you go throw up in the bathroom before you take off your bike helmet, yeah, those days aren't going to be very good for sex. But, stay positive through all that, people: someday, you're fucking will improve. It really goes for any exercise: when you've got endorphins flowing, your body is a healthier shape, and you don't just sit around like a lump, it only makes sense that everything, including getting laid, will improve.

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Sexual Exercises!

Esquire has the man's guide to improving sex through diet and exercise. It's actually more thorough than the "sexercise" regimens that emphasize sexiness over sexual-improvement, but what do I know, I've got a beer belly. Esquire's plan emphasizes testosterone and flexibility, which are certainly useful points. What I don't get is why they thought Mr. American Psycho would be a good illustration for this article. Here's who I pick whenever I want a sexy picture of exercise:

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Erotic Thoughts For Women!

Want to have more orgasms, ladies? This study says that women who are able to be more aware of their body, and have more erotic thoughts during sexual stimulation, have more orgasms. Most women, they say, are able to focus those erotic thoughts during masturbation, but those that fail to do the same during sex end up with more difficulty reaching orgasm. Those that are successful all around experience far more "erotological behaviors", which sounds far more clinical than "fantasizing about boning". So, loosen up, ladies: focus, fantasize, and go with the flow, and the orgasms will come naturally!

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