Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'

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Places Not To Put Your Cock

The old story goes that a dude would fuck a knothole if given the chance, but, really guys, you need to be careful where you stick your dick. The penis is a somewhat fragile piece of equipment, and if you're not careful with it you'll impede your favorite pasttime by damaging it. So, take note of these places not to stick your dick:

5. Your Ex

This isn't necessarily about damaging the penis, exactly, but the emotions connected to it. You're ex is an ex for a reason; don't let the comfort of a known party to cloud your judgement by either making a booty call, or accepting a booty call, from someone that's a former sex partner. The fallout isn't worth it.

4. A spot of friction

A penis gets hard, sure, but the outside layer is soft and fragile. Most soaps don't provide a lot of lubrication, plastics are smooth but not really slippery, and humping anything covered in fabric is guaranteed to cause a rash. Even dry skin can be a bit of an irritation. Circumcised guys even moreso: there's less 'stretch' for you, which means the rubbing is going to leave a mark. Invest in some lube before you start rubbing against most materials. Make sure you use some real lube and choose your hump-targets properly.

3. Too basic or too acidic

Fucking some sort of fruit is a time-honored hobby of anybody with spare melons, but be careful which kind you partake in. If you're using something not designed as a sex lubricant, and it's significantly more acidic or basic than water, it's going to irritate your skin, and you're gonna have a bad time.

2. Anything too hard to break with your hands

The news loves a story about some guy who decides to fuck something made out of metal -- benches, machine nuts, weightlifting equipment, etc. -- and the aftermath in which a fire department needs to cut said item off the penis with the Jaws of Life. Even once a penis gets hard, it can engorge more during the excitement, causing it to get stuck, and once a penis gets stuck, the blood vessels are kinked closed so the blood can't get out and the penis can't go flaccid again...and now your dick is trapped. Make sure any place you stick your dick can stretch, unsnap, or be broken free without the help of twenty firemen.

1. Anyone who doesn't want it stuck there

It should go without saying, but some people turn into assholes when it comes to where they want to stick their dick. If the intended receptacle is another person, make sure they actually want that penis coming towards them. Like, actually wants it as much as you want to put it there. Imbalance in that amount of excitement is a sign you're not wanted there, and that's the last place your dick should be.

The Saddest Brother!

Saw this on Gracie's site, it evoked a chuckle...It's like how the best barber in town has the worst haircut. There's some things that just can't happen.

What's New!

In case you haven't noticed, I've been Tweeting instead of blogging -- go follow me if you miss me. Here's some high points:

Blizzards With Benefits!

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, and since New York is expecting three feet of snow, let Craigslist find you somebody to fuck until the travel ban is lifted! I know, the lyrics don't work well, but finding a snowbunny with benefits in New York seems to be working. Lonely hearts in the big Apple are looking for lovers via Craigslist to have some fun-time during the weather emergency; whether they're successful, I don't know, but you gotta credit people for having their mind in the right place, rather than buying twelve loaves of bread to tide them over for a two-day vacation.


Most Dangerous Position!

Here it is, folks: after collecting an enormous amount of data, science has identified the most dangerous sex position: cowgirl -- not reverse, just a regular one -- otherwise known as 'girl on top', results in a huge amount of injuries. They're not measuring dangerousness in terms of severity of injuries: sex while skydiving or while a tiger is walking by both sound significantly more dangerous, but are reassuringly infrequent. Cowgirl, however, involves a hundred or more pounds of sexy babe coming down on a relatively fragile part of the male anatomy, resulting in a significant number of broken penises. It's not nearly as easy to break lady-bits, so guys, be careful: it might be a lot of fun, but a broken penis is no joking matter. However, you don't need to treat the penis like it's a fragile piece of fine porcelain; cowgirl shouldn't be avoided, ladies just need to be be aware that you must take care of your favorite toys while you're playing with them, broken toys aren't nearly as much fun.


Fifteen Shades of Sex Positions!

Er, only fourteen, but some intrepid illustrator has put together a visual reference for all the major sex positions referenced in Fifty Shades of Grey, in case the poor writing and immature structure of the book wasn't clear enough that you'd need pictures to get it. Can you tell I couldn't finish reading it? Anyhoo, take a look at what Fifty Shades of Grey offers in terms of erotic content, take notes, and then at least admire that Cosmo's publishing illustrations of sex positions that are at least humanly possible. Although this one is a little suspect: he's controlling that floating benwa ball with HIS MIND!


Smartphone Cockblock!

A new study has come out to say that Brits are having less sex than 20 years ago because of financial stress, job worries -- but OMG, online porn and tweeting in bed! Of course, whenever there's a new study out about sex acts, the most sensational stuff is in the lede and the less sensational stuff is more real but not as interesting to talk about. I doubt their study found tons of men turning down sex because they're busy posting selfies to Facebook.

However, some of the more interesting things are that women aged 16 - 24 were the most sexually active, more than even the most active men, which was 25 - 34 -- go get 'em, teenaged ladies!

Also they report that women only have 7.7 partners while men have 11.7 -- or about 1/3 fewer partners, which means men on average have 4 homosexual partners in their entire life -- every damn one of them -- or there's just an inflation in men's numbers and deflation in women's numbers, which seems the most likely. I suppose the other alternative is that those 4 partners on average are the same women, so those gals really get around without throwing off the women's average. People who do these studies fail to realize that heterosexual sex has one woman and one man, by definition; sure, there's probably going to be a little discrepancy between the numbers, but 1/3 difference? Somebody's not counting properly.


More Men, More Sex!

Here's the clues to a better sex life, ladies: be around more men. No, it's not that there's cheating going on, or that spontaneous gangbangs appear more often in your life. It's the unsexy term "sperm competition", a gladiatorial spectacle known, it's that when men perceive they're one of many potential mates, they're more interested in having sex with you. Potential is the key here: the woman doesn't need to do anything, except happily enjoy more sex due to the neanderthal brain of her partner who wants to get in there before anyone else does.


Swinger Club Ettiquette!

So, you've decided to go to a sex club but you don't know what to do? PopSugar has the skinny for you. Short answer: don't be a dick. Long answer: it's not quite as complicated as you might think, and probably less complicated than finding a sex club in the first place.

This picture is unrelated, but I thought it was too awesome to pass up.


Ever have sex and wonder whether you can get a disease with all those fluids just squirting all over like a lawn sprinkler with allergies? Scroguard has your back! Well, it's mostly your front, because that's the part that is touching somebody else's naughty bits. A condom may protect the penis itself, but there's plenty of other areas that come in contact, particularly since Herpes is spread by skin contact all over down there, not just PIV sex. If you're really worried about any skin contact, The Naked Gun shows how it's done.


Pets: Sex Trouble!

Why aren't couples having sex? According to this survey, most of the time it's because of financial stresses. A third of the time, however, it's the dog's fault. Mind you, this is a British survey, so you may need to factor in the stoic British passive aggressiveness.

"Yes, it's Fido's fault we haven't had sex in a while."

"Indubitably, darling, were it not for the dog's snoring, we would be banging right now."

"Yes, bad dog! Snoring...and leaving the toilet seat up, boy, I do hate that! Bad dog!"

"Well, in that case, don't forget how...Fido...forgets to balance the checkbook and we get an huge overdraught fee for going over only a few quid. Bad dog!"


Older Women: Better Lovers!

"Sexpert" Tracey Cox wants you to know that older women are better lovers. However, really, that's like asking which is better: a Tesla S versus a 70s-era Barracuda. Both have their pluses and minuses, it's all a matter of taste, you see. Note that they distinguish between "MILFs", which apparently is any 20-something that looks of child-bearing age, and 40- to 50-somethings, like the lady you see below, who is almost 40 in this photo. Attractiveness isn't the whole game, though: Cox points out that an older woman likely has figured out sex by now, and is more likely to have fun doing it.


Bike: Bettter Sex!

A survey of people in Britain has proven that people who ride bike to work have better sex. Well, after a while I suppose. Once you get through the first couple months of biking, I'm sure the positive effects are seen, but those first two months, when you arrive home from work, dripping with sweat, wheezing, thighs twitching uncontrollably, and you go throw up in the bathroom before you take off your bike helmet, yeah, those days aren't going to be very good for sex. But, stay positive through all that, people: someday, you're fucking will improve. It really goes for any exercise: when you've got endorphins flowing, your body is a healthier shape, and you don't just sit around like a lump, it only makes sense that everything, including getting laid, will improve.


Sexual Exercises!

Esquire has the man's guide to improving sex through diet and exercise. It's actually more thorough than the "sexercise" regimens that emphasize sexiness over sexual-improvement, but what do I know, I've got a beer belly. Esquire's plan emphasizes testosterone and flexibility, which are certainly useful points. What I don't get is why they thought Mr. American Psycho would be a good illustration for this article. Here's who I pick whenever I want a sexy picture of exercise:


Erotic Thoughts For Women!

Want to have more orgasms, ladies? This study says that women who are able to be more aware of their body, and have more erotic thoughts during sexual stimulation, have more orgasms. Most women, they say, are able to focus those erotic thoughts during masturbation, but those that fail to do the same during sex end up with more difficulty reaching orgasm. Those that are successful all around experience far more "erotological behaviors", which sounds far more clinical than "fantasizing about boning". So, loosen up, ladies: focus, fantasize, and go with the flow, and the orgasms will come naturally!


Beach House Etiquette!

New York Mag assumes you have enough friends to rent a beach house with, and they're very concerned that you're going to fuck recklessly. So, if you do plan on boinking in a house where there's other couples about, take these tips to heart, lest you end up being the one to cook breakfast in the morning.

Pic via.

Talk About Sex!

The Huffington Post has come up with 15 ways to talk about sex. It claims to be nothing more than random thoughts jotted down, and it reads that way, but the third on the list -- the "economic" method of communicating sexual needs -- made at least twelve Objectivists come in their pants. "We can reduce sexuality down to mere free-market transactions of mutual benefit? I'm finally going to get laid!"


Women Like Hookups!

AskMen AskedWomen about hooking up via "dating" apps like Tinder. The result? Sometimes a gal just has to get laid. They make the statement that women's sex drives are just as strong as men's, but women self-report lower sexual activity due to social pressures. Don't worry, ladies, the social tide is turning: anti-slut-shaming movements are making it OK to be satisfied with getting laid whenever you feel like it!


Casual Sex Is Good!

Think casual sex is a bad, bad thing? Not always, says scientists. General knowledge of the fact that lots of people have casual sex, and most grow up to be well-rounded doctors, lawyers, cowgirls, and baristas, would seem to indicate that fucking for fun is generally non-harmful - but this study says that, if done right, casual sex can be positive for self-esteem and satisfaction with life.

Yeah, the study emphasizes "done right", because it can sometimes have a negative effect...but since the 'good' or 'bad' is derived from the situation, and not the sex itself, the critical part is less "how long-term is this relationship?" and more "do I really want to bang this chick on a dirty couch just because I'm the only erect penis available?" Well, I might still lump the second example in "positive sexual experiences", but it doesn't take much to boost my self-esteem. So, ride 'em cowboy, have casual sex but check yourself to make sure it is a positive experience before you get too far into things.

Via, pic via.

2 Minutes Or Less!

Kinsey said 3/4 of men ejaculate within two minutes, but this guy says it's only about 45%, while most women need 5 - 7 minutes to really get going. While this doesn't necessarily mean that premature ejaculation is in play it still means that there's in incongruity between the two halves regarding how long sex should last.

As the article above said, going too long isn't that great, either: vaginas aren't designed for marathon pounding, so don't think that longer is better either.

So, the goal is that 5 to 7 minute range -- and it's about control, not 'on' or 'off'. Here's some things to try:

Kegels: Men have them too - and, like women, they have an important part in sex. It's easy, and you can make a game of it - simply flex your muscles down there while peeing to try and stop the stream. See how long you can do it (I mean, don't close it off then go back to work, that's crazy), but being able to manipulate your kegels can help slow things down.

Condoms: They reduce sensitivity a bit, and that bit may be enough to last long enough. Plus, it makes post-sex cleanup a lot easier. And don't buy the cheap ones at Walgreens; invest in some nice ones online.

Positions: Positions where your back muscles are holding you up can delay orgasm a bit; try standing, doggy, or on her side. Also, put her on top and in control; not thrusting may delay things as well.

More foreplay: If you simply can't get past two minutes, get her riled up first: mouth, tongue, and toys are all good ways to rev her engine before you take the plunge.

Orgasm denial: simply stop and take a break when the orgasm starts to rise. This may be a bit frustrating, especially for her since she's trying to come too, but make it part of the game and it might be more fun than you think.

Desensitizing creams: They even make condoms with this built-in, but I'd discourage these unless you've got no other option. You don't have control over how strong they are or how long they last, and if you get it inside her she might not appreciate the desensitization, so experiment with them first before making it part of the main course.

Of course, if you can only last seconds, talk to your doctor, there may be more of an issue than a lack of simultaneous orgasms. Plus, talk to your partner, and make this a cooperative event - like sex is supposed to be.

Taste the Rainbow -- OH YEAH TASTE IT

Girth Does It!

When it comes to one-night stands, girth is what does it for the ladies. They tested this by showing women a variety of dildos that "...ranged in size from 4 inches long and 2.5 inches in circumference to 8.5 inches long and 7 inches in circumference." Just for reference, that's 1/4" of an inch thick to 2-1/4" thick -- for comparison, a Coke can is about 2-1/2" diameter and 5" tall, so the "big" end of the scale is about the equivalent of two beercans stacked on top of each other. Eh, maybe they couldn't find the model of my penis and that's the next biggest dildo they could find.

Anyhow, the study found that, while women would prefer the Coke-can diameter, just one is plenty, thankuvrymuch: they'd rather be stretched, putting pressure on the clitoris and g-spot, than have their cervix pummeled by someone too long. The study also found that women overestimated the size of penises they'd seen, so stop worrying about size, guys; she's adding inches completely in her head.

Pic via.

Hungry = Sexy!

A new study has discovered that the hungrier a guy is, the more attracted he is to a larger woman. I'm sure there's an empirical method for determining this, and I'm hoping they have figured out a logarithmic scale, a bell curve of sorts, so if I'm feeling like "well, I had a late lunch, but I'm craving sweets now" will somehow translate to the weight of the woman I'm attracted to right at that moment.

Pic via.

Religious Cheaters!

First of all, ignore the incorrect, salacious headline -- they'd have you believe Evangelical Christians cheat more than anyone else, but they messed up their math. What the actual study shows is that there are more Evangelicals in America, and a correspondingly larger portion of Evangelicals using AshleyMadison to cheat.

This is far less about religious hypocrisy, and more about the lack of hypocrisy in being a human. The fact that religion doesn't have a large mathematically-proven influence in who is interested in cheating on their spouse is proof that sex isn't about sin and salvation: sexual behavior is innate, and simply part of being human.

Now, I'm not advocating cheating - only assholes would cheat on someone they love, and conversely only assholes stick with someone they don't love in order to get sex on the side - but everyone's known someone who cheated. It's pretty clear that the sex drive knows no logic nor fairness, and neither religion nor morals can change that. Learn how not to be an ass when it comes to sex, but get it out of your head that your religion has anything to do with it.


(Note: Evangelicals do lose their virginity earlier according to this study)

How To Eat Pussy!

Hey, inexperienced dudes (and women of such persuasion) - here's how to go down on your female lover. You mean it's not just "poke everything with your tongue"? No wonder I get pushed away so often. Anyhow, you're welcome.


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