Posts Tagged 'Fashion'

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Penis Jewelry!

When you hear the term "penis jewelry", you probably think of diamond-studded cockrings and fancy Pince Albert studs -- but fashion designer Tom Ford won't have any of that. Ford's penis jewelry is regular jewelry that looks like a penis. It's not even a "hey, that kinda looks like...", Ford's website even calls it a penis right in the title. At a distance it might pass for a cross, but get up close and it's pretty clearly C3P0's junk. Now that Christmas is here, at the easy-to-afford price of $790, you can get one for all the friendly women in your life!


Beards: Unsexy!

Sad news, fellas: we have reached peak beard, and an abundance of facial hair is now unattractive. It's not really about any cultural change, but an inherent nature of facial hair: the more people that have beards, the less attractive they are as a whole. Elle magazine weighed in, and unfortunately did not reach a consensus. AskMen, of course says don't shave, because they want all the women for themselves, those greedy bastards. Esquire believes the 'peak beard' news, finding that more women dislike beards...but not by a landslide. I'm one of those guys who shaves once every week or two; my beardy-state varies depending on when you run into me. Maybe that'll improve my odds overall, by playing for both sides, and I can beat this 'peak beard' madness until the tide turns again, and clean-shavenness dominates, making facial hair the more desired trait.


Men's Bodies: Gross!

The Guardian brings up an interesting point: when everyone freaked out over the nearly-nude half-thong, was it really about disgust over the naked male body? For as often as the 'nude male art model' trope has been used, where an attractive naked man is surrounded by a circle of leering women, is seen as a joke on the sexual proclivities of women, rather than the discomfort of seeing a man naked - I mean, would Magic Mike have seen any success if the male body was seen as shameful or to be avoided?

No, but not in the way the article is trying to make it a general issue. OK, those half-thongs are stupid and ugly, mostly because the asymmetry is offputting and regular thongs get similar jeers. The problem isn't male nudity: the problem is men and nudity.

I think the problem the Guardian writer - who is, incidentally, a woman - is noting is more an issue with male discomfort in seeing another man naked. Men feel a primordial threat in seeing a naked attractive man nearby; he's going to usurp your manly place in the order of things, or possibly use that manliness against you to assert dominance. Since there's a pecking order, you put down the other guy to assert your own dominance, you point out the unattractiveness, the ugliness, to bolster yourself. Men, particularly those trying to put on an extra-super-straight exterior, are uncomfortable with seeing a man naked because of the threat against his own sexual power. And that's stupid, really, porn is full of naked guys that embody the wishes of the watcher; the urge is to be the guy who's fucking women, not to be the guy standing on the side while the sexy, attractive naked guy does the fucking. Seeing the naked male form stirs worries of the latter, which is something guys need to get over, the pissing contest hasn't worked since caveman days.

But, on the other hand, just look at this guy:


Breast Shirt!

Feelin' a bit self-conscious about your boobs? Get this tshirt, and now people will stare at your chest the way you hope they would! It's a simple idea, the kind that you wonder why these haven't been for sale at Spencer's for the past eighty years, but, hey, sometimes original things are the most obvious.


Ride-em Cowboy!

I love fancy underwear like this - it has a gun! There's a paisley crotch-cover that looks like you made a thong from a bandanna! The waistband says 'HUSTLER' all the way around!

Well, when I was in my twenties, yeah. Back then, there was a chance of somebody interesting seeing them. Now, there's just my girlfriend and she mostly just wants to see me without any underwear at all. The only other people who see it: other guys at truck stops, my doctor, coworkers who mock me for the "HUSTLER" waistband sticking up over my Dickey workpants. Hell, I'll still wear 'em, of course.


Be Careful Ladies!

You aren't being very careful, fashionable women: injuries while shaving your genitals is too, too high. Largely, the problem affects women in their twenties and thirties - but men in their thirties and forties. One: ladies, be careful, we like our vulvas intact. Guys: I know the rumour is that shaving makes your junk look bigger, but that's an old wives' tale, so unless you're trying to attract old wives (not that there's anything wrong with that) you should just leave your pubes alone. I'm a fan of a little furriness down there, so trim, gentleman and ladies, don't shave: it's too dangerous.

Push-Up Muscles!

If you're a guy of a certain age, this website is for you. Look at these shirts - they take your flabby goo-bags and push them into places so they look like muscles! Lots of good advice, here, in general. And, we all make mistakes.

Fake Dick Shorts!

Southeast Asia has a problem with guys violating women's personal space. As a way to discourage roaming hands, Thai manufacturer Headmuns is selling a new deterrent: women's panties with a fake penis built in. See the banned commercial here. Now, I think this will work the wrong direction for a lot of guys, if the amount of ladies-with-penis porn on the internet tells me anything. But, at the very least, having a fake penis is one step up from a fanny-pack: store your pencils and spare change in there! Use it to block your drafty window when you're not wearing it! Helicopter to show your dominance! There's so many more things this solves than the rape culture of South-East Asia, so I rate it FIVE STARS, BUY!

Via. I'm pretty sure it's the Thai version of FunnyOrDie, so it's probably fake. Sorry, ladyboy afficianados.

Ron Burgundy Undies!

He's got a movie coming out, a memoir hot off the presses, a Newseum display (wait, really, Newseum?) now Ron Burgundy has his own line of contrast-piping retro tighty-whities for sale. Now, if only they come with their own Christina Applegate, well, I'd have to be in my bunk for a while. This isn't a joke -- Burgundy is only inches away from being a Colbert -- and Jockey is apparently happy to have him as their spokesanchor. Stay classy, underwear industry!


Motorcycle Jacket!

It's so rare anything manly shows up in the men's fashion blogs, and here's something useful: motorcycle jackets, and some tips on how to buy one. Just make sure that, if you do buy one, make sure you know how to put it on, otherwise you'll look silly like this chick:


Duck Jacket!

I put a fashion category on this site because I abhor most other men's fashion blogs. The effeminite hipster-rapper look is not me. But, having the aesthetic and character of Ron Swanson means I am unable to gush about the things I do like, and have little first-hand opinion of clothing which I do not own, which is why posts have slowly tapered off. I may have to come up with a new method of posting men's fashion, but here's something I've put on my wish-list, a light duck jacket that's new from Carharrt, because I continue to ruin my leather jackets by wearing them while I work, so I need one of these. So there you go.

Handcuff Cufflink Key!

The perfect accoutrement for the man who is both stylish and likely to get into trouble. Sparrow Lockpicks offers several different styles of cufflinks that unhook all sorts of cuffs - including handcuffs. I suppose if you were ever actually sitting in the back of a police car while dressed so nice, putting these to use is probably not the best idea for preserving your freedom. However, if you're the type who uses handcuffs for recreational purposes but often loses the key, now they'll be easily accessible whenever you're wearing your suitcoat.

Slim Goodbody OnePiece!

I know, I'm in the minority, but I never really found Slim Goodbody all that sexy. However, if you've got boobs and want that Goodbody good body look, Black Milk Clothing has the 'dem guts' swimsuit for you. They've got bunches of Halloweeny elasticized clothing for you, so order now if you want guys staring at your spleen at the pool, ladies.


Rubber Undies!

I haven't worn rubber undies since I was 2 and still wetting the bed, but then I guess I was just a fashion trendsetter. William Wilde has designed rubber latex underwear for men; no word on if it comes with a free carton of diaper rash creme. I'm sure these aren't meant for daily-wear, and more for the kind of event where nobody's underwear stays on for very long. Apparently Mr. Wilde is usually a conniseur of wrapping the female form in rubber, so I guess he's branching out into the untapped market of men who want glisteningly-smooth crotches. Is there a "Barbie's Boyfriend Ken" line?


Penis Jewelry!

K-E-Dollarsign-Ha, consistently toeing the line between genuine-whako and Colbert-level satirist, has released a series of penis-themed jewelry, which has since sold out. Who's buying this penis-shaped jewelry? I'd like to think it's men -- women love sweatpants with bedazzled words like "bitch" and "juicy" on their ass, it's only fitting that men want a gold dick hanging around their neck do advertise their sexual prowess. Nymag has tips for proper accoutremation of the jewelry, in particular avoiding tiny-penis shaped suntan lines, which everyone should avoid whether wearing Ke$ha jewelry or no.


Kaney's Plain White T!

You know that hip-hop artists are all about fashion, "popping tags" and all that, so it's no wonder that designers want to include the input from those same hip-hop artists in their design process. This has brought us this amazing collaboration from Kanye West and A.P.C., which plain white T for $120 made from 'egyptian cotton'? There must be something awesome about it for the shirt to sell out almost immediately. That's not the only "selling out" in this collaboration, I suppose.

On the other hand: you who scoff at such a thing, haven't you ever seen the $90 handkerchiefs - sorry, "pocket square" - at your men's store? Seriously, a square of fabric with a hem is fucking expensive. Anyone who is surprised that high fashion charges exorbitant rates for simple items probably does all their shopping at Wal-Mart. A loose-cut t-shirt made from nice fabric is hardly something you can just get in a pack of three from Hanes. People are paying $120 for the tag in the back of the Kanye shirt, only marginally for the egyptian cotton, so there's more about hip-hop fashion in this transaction than just buying a comfy t-shirt.


Clap-Off Bra!

Inventors are always pushing the limits of what is possible. For instance: you want a bra that falls off when people applaud. Version 3.0 was the one that worked apparently. Oh, Arduino: is there nothing you can't do? Clap on, clap off-woah, tits! Note that one of their earliest attempts involved incendiary devices, so you know it's a guy working on it.

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Hairy Legs!

Ask Gracie: I'm not a big fan of shaved legs. Now, any legs that I'm allowed to caress are good legs, but freshly-shaved legs are too salamander-like for my liking. So, as you might guess, these tights don't scare me off. Hairy legs attached to a sexy lady are far from a dealbreaker for me. Sorry, Sun, you've only piqued my interest by making a cute girl look hairier than usual.


Brief Pocket!

Ever been someplace wearing nothing but your underwear, and don't know where to put your keys? I know it's happened to me a brazillion times, and now there's a Kickstarter that is selling just that. I suppose they're good for preventing pickpockets, but I always carry too much crap in my pockets, I'll either give the wrong impression or injure myself. Any which way, this guy roadtested them, in case you're wondering how they work.

Perfect Burger!

God damn it, I need to stop blogging while hungry. Caveman Circus shows us their award-winning hamburger recipe, and now I gotta figure out where I left my meat grinder. Tasty stuff.

Silky Pajamas!

I'm usually a denim and 50/50 poly-cotton t-shirt kind of guy. Nothing fancy, nothing frilly or overindulgent, something comfortable and unremarkable.

Then I see this. God damn, this has to be the most girly thing I've ever seen. For cryin' out loud, it's made by a lingerie company called "Lovely Day Lingerie". But you know what? I would totally wear the shit out of these if they weren't just boxers--aw, fuck yeah, they come in full-length pants.

Seriously, guys, silky pajamas are awesome. Guys used to wear pajamas all the time, but it has since fallen out of fashion and guys just wear underwear or go au naturel to bed. If your job doesn't allow you the luxury of wearing nice clothes all day, remember you spend a third of your day in bed. Try out some silky pajamas, they're comfy, cool, don't bind while rolling around in bed, and they just feel great. I used to have a couple pair of silk boxers that I wore until they fell apart, and then I forgot about them. Good thing my birthday is coming up, eh, Gracie?


Pixel Swimsuit!

Designer Andrew Kirillov has come up with the perfect solution for a revealing bikini design. Since TV and the internet both think a marginally pixellated naked body is G-rated, the Pixel Swimsuit is sure to gain widespread acceptance. I suspect they'll have to offer a few different versions - not every lady has a landing strip down there.

Imitating Poses!

Some bald, tattooed guy has decided he has all the skills to be a American Apparel spokesmodel, so he has taken it upon himself to build his portfolio by imitating some of the lame, unnatural poses that disgustingly skinny women make in fashion photos. If you ask me, his billboard will be on the side of some ten-story building in LA any day now.

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Too Much Shaving!

I get a lot of shit for not liking shaved legs; they're unnaturally smooth, I call them "salamander legs" because they're just weird to the touch. Now, look at how much time you're wasting, ladies: to make your legs all weird, you're wasting like two months out of your entire left just shaving. My dislike for shaved legs is such that I resorted to linking to a Cosmo article, so that should tell you something.

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