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Money Still In Safe!

This is why I always check the pockets of used coats at thrift shops - somebody might've left money in them, like this German safe that some careless teller left some money in. Just a little money: Only 100,000 Euros, which is, what, $10 American? Oh, more like $130,000 American. Curse careless tellers and falling currency markets! The scrap-metal workers who discovered the errant currency did the right thing, though: they returned it to the bank, who had been missing it.

Beanie Baby Banging

I knew people loved their Beanie Babies, but this chick has gone a little over the edge with her fascination with the little toys. "Oh, Teddy Ruxpin, do it to me again...oh, and bring the Popples next time...ooohhhh, those Popples!
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I Called It!

I freakin' knew that "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" would do well - unlike the people that, you know, actually made the movie. Coming in on the tail of Oscar-buzz season, in which big-name, artistically-wraught films with high audience expectations fill the theatres, Paul Blart fills a void that people have been missing for a couple months: dumb, physical comedy that parents can take their kids to and aspires to nothing more than a $20Mil opening weekend. The modesty of their expectations was rewarded by the Kharma gods, and the film has made more than twice expectations.

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How To Touch Boobs!

It's actually more complex than you think, but this writer doesn't just handle the manual manipulation of the mammaries: he makes sure that, if you're gonna touch her breasts, she's ready for it. Nothing's worse than a woman unprepared for a breast assault. (sidenote: for those still confused about breast handling, I wrote this last year).

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Pros and Cons of Porn

Wait, there's cons? Another short and frills-free list article (is there anything but that on the internet?) lightly discussing the pros and cons of pornography. The only thing about the cons: they're the fault of the watcher and their using the porn to replace the real parts of their lives with something unreal. Don't blame the porn!

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iBoobs Cancelled!

Apple, sadly, doesn't believe in true innovation - just look at this: Apple canceled this application from the iPhone app store, presumably because they really don't like to watch breasts jiggle. Come on now, who doesn't want to watch breast jiggle as they shake them around? Hell, I almost want to buy an iPhone just for this application!

Biggest Sex Lies!

It's a pretty good list of the lies people have told you about sex; too bad The Frisky didn't put more thought or effort into expanding on the thoughts - my favorite lie: Sex is special. Sex is fun, sex shouldn't be tossed around willy-nilly, but, for God's sake, stop acting like it's the most valuable thing on your person. There's a reason most older civilizations didn't have a separate word for 'virgin' - it didn't matter, until religions and society really started to control women and their reproductive rights and identify. They understood: sex isn't the big deal, but what sex causes is. That's "special", and, as a society, we're not taking enough care! of that, instead putting all the pressure on the act itself. Stop making a big deal about sex, and start focusing on our people's health and mental well-being.

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Football Gal = Wants You!

According to Cosmo, if you're wearing a team jersey to a Super Bowl party, and are standing next to a guy with the same team on his shirt, it means you want to pick him up. Dude, guys should be reading Cosmo more often so we can catch on to these surreptitious hints at sexual interest - it should be obvious that's the only reason why a woman at a Super Bowl party is wearing a jersey and standing around...she wants to get in your pants. A football fan who's also a woman? That's just way too contrived to believe it's anything but an attempt to hook-up!

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Hockey Camouflage

Goalies are known for customizing their uniforms with funky patterns, airbrush art, or anything to make them look more threatening. One goalie, however, realized the folly in that plan, and designed camouflage pads - the outer surface of the pad is stitched and colored to resemble the net and the empty space behind it, so that forwards with a fraction of a second to shoot might see it as a window to a score. It seems so obvious, it sounds like it'd be successful, it doesn't require rule changes for the sport, all of which add up to a very good idea.

Pink Hair, White Suds

Yet again, people weren't raised with enough sense to get undressed before getting in the bath...but, I have just one thing to say about this young lady: I hope to god that pink won't wash out of her hair:

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Testicles: Poisonous!

Who knew? Parts of the blowfish are poisonous, but they generally cut those portions out. That is, unless your creative chef serves the poisonous testicles to you as an appetizer - while I can't attest to Japanese sensibilities, not a single fucking word in the phrase "poisonous blowfish testicles" sounds remotely appetizing. The testicles were requested by the diners, who should not be surprised that they got exactly what they asked for.

THEN What Do I Have?!??

Crap - apparently, the disease known as "cello scrotum" doesn't actually exist; it was a April-Foolsy joke that continued to live on, as fake as a Prescott Pharmaceuticals side-effect. Well, I had to go to fifteen specialists before I got an accurate diagnosis, and now it's all a fake? Per the article: "You would have to be doing something fairly extreme to get that by playing the cello" - EXACTLY, but now I have no diagnosis? Does that mean I can't get any more prescriptions for the salve? Fuck.

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A new word has been given a definition in the lexicon of naughty language: Saddlebacking is the act of abstinence-only teens who have unprotected anal sex as a way of getting around that pesky "sin" thing. We all have the Saddleback Church to thank for this lovely term, although the definition comes straight from those naughty, naughty sexual progressives that hover around Dan Savage. I liked a few of the other definitions better, but this one does address the church connection. Plus, it takes a huge level of hypocrisy across the teen sex-ed spectrum to task, which makes it worthwhile, and,! hopefully, if there's a name for it, kids will be more aware of the situation they're putting themselves in when they do it.

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PETA Porn!

In the interest of...something...PETA planned on airing a Superbowl Ad which features women licking, fondling, and groping vegetables; it proved too sexy for TV censors, so the ad will only get massive underground meme status and be seen by more people than a stupid Superbowl Ad would, and for free. The theme of the ad is "Vegetarians have better sex". They use the ubiquitous 'studies show' defense, to which I counteract that "studies show PETA people are dicks", and can easily produce a study of it if you give me time. Anyhow, I can only infer from the ad that vegetarians have better sex because they're freakin' crazy-ass hippies, for one; like most 'better' comme! rcials, they don't say better than what. I'll assume they mean that vegetarians have better sex than poor people in Africa who have no vegetables to eat at all, fostering malnutrition and disease. Way to go, PETA: be a dick to poor Africans. See, I told you my study would verify my claims.

God To Punish Palin!

In retaliation for Sarah Palin's attempt to prevent the God-ordained Barak Obama from attaining the position of President of the United States, God has announced plans to bury Anchorage with volcanic dust, thus preventing Palin from continuing her assault on fine American sensibilities. When questioned about his intent to publish John McCain, God pointed out that Arizona was already hell, and there wasn't much more he could do.

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Sexual Perversity in America

New book I may have to track down: The Other Side of Desire, focusing on fetishists and why we call some things perversions and others are perfectly fine. Interview here at Salon - the book smacks of pulp exploitation, but it does sound like it addresses the psychological features of these people, with some positives thrown in.

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HST Motivation!

I used to work in a place that had those lame motivational posters in the front office - we needed these back in the shop:

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Let's pretend we're in the ad-men's meeting on this client: "Oh, it's the biggest BDSM magazine in the Netherlands, throw out some free association, everyone:" "porn stars!", "Bruises!" "Spanking!" - Hold on, everyone - he's GOT it! Spankvertising was the winning method of getting out the word on Massad. Spankvertising consists of a stencil-cut leather paddle, which leaves it's 'mark' on the ass of whomever gets spanked. Bonus points: porn star Sofia Valentine was elected to wield Massad's magazine message:

That Ass Is So Tight!

Dayum, bitch - that ass is so fucking tight, you could have a god-damned TEA PARTY on it, girl!

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Adult Economy: Up!

Screw Flynt and his bailout request - adult entertainment is having excellent economic returns despite the recession. Well, parts of it...stripclubs and dating sites moreso than printed or film pornography, which may mean people would rather spend money on a real member of the opposite sex in front of them, rather than a jack-off fantasy in their livingroom.

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Queen's Guards Take No Shit

There's a tradition that the Buckingham Palace guards are completely unflappable, ignoring anything but a threat to the Queen. Well, if you're feeling like taunting one of them, you might want to know that one might just snap and kick your ass for being a dick, like this guard who was caught on tape giving an asshole what he had coming.

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Blow-Up Doll Horror!

Police were called when somebody carried an inflated blow-up sex doll, out in the open, through town, where anybody could see it - won't somebody please think of the childr- oh, wait...she is a child, a high-school student who now runs the risk of being charged for exposing obscene materials in public, in an attempt to play a joke on a friend. Guess what - the joke's on you, little girl!

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Whiskey = Penis Health!

In a survey of Australian men, scholars have found that those who drink are less likely to have erectile dysfunction than teetotallers. Wait - they managed to find Australians who aren't drunks? Amirite, guys? Eh? Guys? Um...anyhow, I'll bet the survey's results mean overall penile satisfaction; if you're the woman trying to get a drunk guy's erection to make an appearance, well, you're going to lose out in the short run. Check back with him when he's sober: his dick will work better than the weird guy at the party to drank Cokes all night and stared at every girl's breasts.

Erotic Lunchboxes!

Now that's a way to keep guys from stealing things out of my lunchbox in the company fridge. "I thought it was mine, sorry," won't fly when mine's the only one with lingerie-clad BDSM models on it. Sadly, they don't say what's on the thermos - because, if you ask any collector, a lunchbox without the thermos isn't worth a damn. The lunchboxes are intended as a strike against the UK's Victorian laws against BDSM imagery, so Ben does have a point...if it doesn't get across with lunchboxes, he intends to up the ante with BDSMed dinnerware and outerwear. Get your own, here.

3D Porn!

China always kicks our ass when it comes to using new technology - now, a porn producer is making history: he's filming the first 3D porn film ever. According to the director, "There will be many close-ups. It will look as if the actresses are only a few centimetres from the audience." Er, well, maybe that's why it hasn't been done before...I don't think anyone has really thought about what it'll look like to have a fifty-foot woman's hoo-ha protruding off the screen, ready to devour any who get too close. But, well, that 'outside the box' thinking is why we trust China with all our production needs, right?

Nude Tattoo Self Portrait!

The Smoking Gun has done their usual weekly roundup of fun and strange mugshots, and #1 this week was a young lady with, what they claim, is a self-portrait tattoo just below her navel, just above her 'cell block', so to speak:

If it really IS a self-portrait, does the tattoo have the tattoo tattooed on its belly? And so on and so forth, until you go insane staring at her nude tattoo? No wonder she's in jail - it must look something....LIKE THIS!

Wife With Guy Friends?

CNN asks the tough question: is it OK for your significant other to have guy friends? Answer: Don't be an idiot about it. The examples is the article, however, all seem to have discovered the fact that "the guy I'd rather hang out with" is "the guy I should be fucking more often", which - duh - is what your lady is going to figure out if she spends a lot of time with a guy alone, guys. Mutually platonic relationships are hard to find; truly sexual people will find that at least one half will want more than the other...and that's tough, since the "more" will eventually lead to sex, because that's what close guys and gals do with each other.

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Penis Tone Or Bust

These are always the best articles in the world, even though it's a totally half-assed way to be a newspaper reporter: newsflash - obscene slang words didn't always mean what they do now, and people used them in city names! Makes me want to establish a town called "Cock and Ball Torture, Minnesota", and claim it's actually the ancient indian name for these lands, and it just sounds like something else, you pervert. Go, Cock and Ball Torture High School Football - yay team!(via)

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Mexican Kissing Cousins!

Not satisfied for one Mayor's declaration that his formerly-kissing-free town would now be the kissing-encouraged-capital, Mexico City has stepped up to retain its status as the greatest Mexican city ever. The city is asking couples to attend a huge kiss-in in Mexico City on Valentine's Day, with the intention of getting into the Guinness Book for the largest mass kiss. Boy, I bet that small-town mayor feels like an ass now, trying to upstage the kissing world for his own political gains...

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Amateur Porn: Change!

No, it's not an Obama slogan (although I kinda wish it would be), but The Daily Spank has an article on how amateur porn is changing everything, which further demonstrates that porn isn't about morals or objectification: it is about publishing. Those pornographers having trouble are ones falling into the same trap as magazines and newspapers: failing to recognize that amateurs now have the tools to produce product that fulfill the needs of consumers, and that the 'frilliness' of a polished, value-added product may not be what customers want.

Hookers To The Rescue!

In a world...where everything....has its price... [dramatic music] Only those who sell all that have have to sell...can save...THE WORLD! Ok, it's a thin speculative article about the legalization of prostitution, but it has a snappy headline which evokes such imaginitive screenplays, I can hardly contain myself. Quentin Tarentino would be the awesomest director of a film called "Hookers to the Rescue!" It could single-handedly revive the lagging film industry, and, truly, hookers would be coming to the rescue.

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Daria's Sudsy Bath

Oh, a nice hot bubble bath would be so nice: warm water flowing over my skin, smell of the bubbles in the air, wet flesh of a beautiful lady pressed up against me - it's all good:

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Teen: Sex Prevents Crime!

A UC Davis study shows that teens in a "romantic sexual relationship" are far less likely to commit crimes, do drugs, or otherwise fuck up their lives, than their slutty peers who don't experience romance but have reckless sex anyway. What about our abstinence-only peers? They have low crime-rates as well, which means that it's not the lack of sex, but the lack of morals that mess up kids' lives. If you ask me, however, which is better: sex ed with sex, or sex ed without sex? Dude, let the kids have sex, do it right, and they might turn out better than you thought.

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Greeks: Party Animals!

I'm not talking about today's "greeks", college kids pretending to be part of secret societies so they can get drunk without Mom knowing. Ancient Greeks, already the coolest civilization for their super-liberal morals, opened their homes as bars and brothels. Greek literature was full of talk about pubs and brothels, but archaeologists were having difficulty finding evidence of the actual locations. Now, they're putting the pieces together: what they thought were solely residential buildings doubled as retail establishments - or vice versa. Today's standards of 'one purpose to a building' was less evident in a time when tools and materials were more limited.

COPA Dies!

The COPA, passed in 1998 as a way of making things tougher for online pornographers - but, of course, in the name of saving children - has died due to the Supreme Court rejecting any further hearing on the matter, after declaring the COPA exceeded its boundaries in affecting the freedom of speech and expression earlier last year. Hooray for internet porn!

Door Defeat!

An excellent security system was used against a bank robber in Ohio: As the robber tries to leave, the atrium doors only work in opposite directions, trapping the robber in the entryway before they can escape. The police arrived to pick up their order of "thief between glass" before it got cold.

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Porn Babes: Way Skinny!

Wired has produced a nice graph, showing the disparity between real body shapes and the ones seen in porn. Back in 1954, regular women were skinnier, and playmates were curvier...but over the decades, those two lines have diverged in such a way that I predict a new species will be described to identify these strange, bony, busty women who men so strangely lust after, despite their resemblance, from the back, to be a young boy.

Kissing Capital Of The World!

Guanajuato Mexico, for a short time, was totally not the place for lovers. Strict anti-obscenity laws spawned the accusation that kissing in public could result in arrest. Whoops - who knew that making a kiss illegal would result in bad publicity? It's not like people like to express and receive tokens of love, in public or otherwise. The mayor has turned things around: he says that he wants to see more kissing in his town, despite any embarrassment caused to children by the act.

Obama: You're All OK!

Obama's inauguration yesterday has brought out a few excellent aspects of the man's presidency. First, in his inauguration speech, he said: "...We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and non-believers." And, as if that wasn't cool enough, Mother Jones discovered a big section on GLBT rights on the 'civil rights' section of the new Finally, a president who seems to understand that the 'rule of the majority' only elected him, but doesn't control him -- and recognizes his purpose is to now enforce our laws a! nd Constitution in their protection of those in a minority moral position.

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Lingerie Bowl: Troubles!

It's a sad day when you can't put together a football championship consisting of nearly-nude lingerie models without being blocked at every turn. First, they tried to get their 'stadium' set up in a vacant Tampa lot, but neighbors objected. Then, they found arrangements with a nudist resort to hold the bowl there, but players quit, because they "were having a hard enough time dealing with and defending against the negative stigmas and stereotypes associated with the sport and playing attire before it was announced that we would be playing at a nudist resort." Yes, the nudist resort was the problem in which players were finding difficulties in being taken seriously in their football-playing lingerie models. The league says the ladies were released from their contracts for having a bad attitude.

Inaguration Sex

Obama fans got it on when he won, so it seems inauguration day will be much the same. Ah, fucking: is there anything you can't make awesomer?

When I Was A Kid...

...I really did want a go-kart; yeah, Dad let me drive sometimes, but a kid-sized vehicle was different - so I got a BMX. Sigh. I guess we had to have big bucks to really get a kid-sized car, like this Beckham spawn who has his own pint-sized replica vintage Porche:

Reality TV = Boob Danger!

When you're a hottie on a reality TV show, guard your breasts. Helena Fletcher, who appeared on a show that may be called "Emarass Your Stupid, Funny!" or something like that, fell during an obstacle course and mashed her breast implants to the point of distortion. These tits have a silver lining, though: Ms. Fletcher gets an upgrade: "Now IâÂÂ

From Miss USA To Porn

Kelli McCarty has been moving up in the world: From her start as Miss USA 1991, to a stint on the soap-opera Passions, to her new gig: porn star. She's one of Vivid's new faces, which lends an air of respectability to counter the sure-to-come negative responses.

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Inaguration In The Buff

If you'd like a front-row seat for the inauguration, you better drop your pants: the Pinetree Club in Maryland would love to have you drop in. You do, of course, need to strip everything off: Pinetree is a nudist club, but they're more than welcoming visitors in town for the Obama inauguration. Don't worry; they 'ease' you out of your clothes, which is probably not as sexy as it sounds (nudist camps rarely are). The benefit, however, is that the rates are cheap, because it's really, really the off-season for nudists whenever the snow is falling.

Zenia Brushing Teeth In Bath

Zenia is one of those multitaskers: brushing her teeth while bathing. It's not as sexy as you might think, but the rest, well, it makes up for her teethcare:

Lawyer: No Erotica!

A lawyer in the Moscow offices of Allen & Overy has been told to cut back on her website: well, just the fucking-related parts. You see, her bosses frown on her erotic expression, that it somehow reflects poorly on their business, so they ordered her to stop publishing it online. The wording would indicate that the chapters she has alread! y online are fine, but we all know how this works...employers have their employees by the short hairs, and use that influence to control people's private lives. Such a shame. Even worse: the few chapters I could get through were, shall we say, in need of the judicious and extreme influence of a skilled editor. It would be so much easier to defend a true work of art than the firstiest first-draft of an amateur writer. Take it all down Dierdre, polish it up, get the help of an editor, then give it to the world - you'll kill two birds with one stone.

Topless End In Vegas

The Tropicana, a fine, fine example of Vegas naughtiness still in business, is, sadly, ceasing their topless dance revue. "Les Folies Bergere" was more than a stripclub, but a performance full of boobies and burlesque, which makes it all the more sad. As artistic expression involving nudity declines, people will only associate it with pornography. And, really, any lost opportunity to see breasts is a sad, sad day. Get your tickets, quick: March 28th will be the last performance; make sure you note that the 'adult' performances are later in the ! day. (via)

Abstinence-Only = CLOWNS!

Oh, dear - it just shows how utterly, utterly disconnected from today's teens when an abstinence-only program for teens uses a CLOWN to teach the message. If a whitefaced hobo came up to me and warned, "Sex before marriage will destroy all of your life's dreams!" I would definitely, definitely not believe him. You can't trust a clown, least of all with your genitals. Unless, that is, it turns out that premarital sex leads to becoming a clown...then I'm torn. (via)

Obama RS/RTV T-Shirt

You want to look your best for the inauguration, right? Get out that wallet and head over to the official Rock The Vote Cafe Press store and pick up a limited edition T-Shirt to celebrate. The style is an excellent mix of vintage Rolling Stone style with some street-art-graffiti elements - far better than the ultra-modern and branded-and-cultured Obama logo stuff that most people are wearing. And, since there aren't going to be a zillion of them around, in a couple years it'll look like that concert t-shirt that you've been wearing forever and is about to fall apart:

Asexuality: OK!

Well, this message isn't for the asexual: it's for those of you who like looking at the pictures on this website. I highly doubt you're lacking a sex drive - but lots of other people don't have one. And, it's not a problem - I want to remind everyone that sex is a hugely faceted feature of human life, and everything, short of unsolicited injury and abuse of non-consenting entities, is acceptable...including people who have no drive. The attitude tends to be, "dude, something's wrong with you - how can you not have sex?" but, really, there's nothing wrong with it whatsoever...unless you're the highly-sexual one in the pairing. Sex is an important part in a relationship, and there's ! always someone with similar needs...don't be the asexual who's feeling raped to satisfy their partner, or the sexual who's feeling neglected to avoid feeling manipulative. Get laid, but only when and how you want to. It only furthers the proof that pre-marital sex is absolutely necessary: you might find that saving themselves for marriage is wayyy too easy for your partner, and they'd rather keep saving it forever. Sexual compatibility is a necessary part of life.

13 Cosmo Hates!

Relationship Underarm Stick takes Cosmo apart and shreds's kinda like shooting low-hanging fruit in a barrel, but, well, it sooo needs to be done once in a while. I think I may need to read the "guy phrases translated" - I'm not sure I understand what I mean when I say crap to girls sometimes.

Bank Or No Bank?

When robbing a bank, it is wise to scout the premesis first: check for exits, security guard schedules, and times the banks are busiest. Oh, and make sure it's a bank. A would-be robber forgot that last step, and barged in to a building demanding the tellers hand over the cash. The bank had left months before - the city water department occupied the location now. It took some convincing, but the robber finally realized his mistake and took off empty handed. (via)

Dude, Pizza Ain't Worth It

When a pizza place becomes so specifically dangers to your health, you should avoid it - but I'm not talking about Pizza Hut's new natural pizzas. Last April, a guy unluckily got shot while eating at a pizza place, but I suppose that wasn't enough of a warning to him. He got Warning #2 yesterday: he was shot again, at the same pizza parlor. Hopefully he realizes now that Nature doesn't give a third warning - that pizza place is freakin' off-limits to this guy now.

Brunettes: Better Fuck!

Er, I mean they have better fucks than anyone else, not that they "better fuck" or else...According to OK! Magazine, brunettes are more successful in all parts of their life than any other haircolor, and that happily translates to their sex life as well. That means, sadly, redheads fall behind, much to most men's chagrin.

USDA Hookers Aren't Cows

Most businesses make you sign a sheet saying that they're your primary employer, and you won't work another job while punched in at that one. Strike one: a USDA statistician used her work computer to run an online business. Strike two: that USDA statistician ran an online prostitution ring from her work computer. What, counting Kansas cows wasn't exciting enough to keep her involved in her work? Sadly, as people operating these businesses have to obfuscate and proxy their work, I'm not sure what her website was.

Outside: Safe For Kids?

As a followup to TIME's article, "The Internet: Safe for Kids?", I offer you: "Outside: Safe for Kids?" in which we point out that, by leaving the home, children are set up for peer-sex-solicitation, bullying, racism and other bigotry, and even physical dangers such as car accidents and rape. Oh, certainly, schools are largely a safe place, but they cannot prevent 100% of the dangers resulting from a child allowed to leave their bedroom, even if you physically carry your child from their room to the car, and from the car to the school's front doors. Leaving the house is the common thread between all non-home-related dangers - won't someone please think of the children?!!?? Happily, TIME re! aches the same conclusion as I do: teaching kids how to survive and avoid negative experiences is far more important than shielding them or trying to control their experiences.

Hefner: Creepy Old Guy!

Who knew! Hugh Hefner, the guy with three buxom twentysomething girlfriends and more money than he can use, would behave like a creepy old guy? According to a new tell-all by former Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson. While Hef wasn't outright abusive, Wilkinson says he was vaguely attentive in person, but made his staff monitor the gal's every moves and report back to him. Being a concubine doesn't have the freedom you'd expect, eh, gals?

Stripper Idol: Not Cowell Sanctioned!

The Palazio MenâÂÂ

Grown From Your Balls!

Scientists are making stem sells out of all kinds of things - today, scientists have found that they can manufacture stem cells from your testicles. Lose an eye to a barroom fight? GROW A NEW ONE FROM YOUR BALLS! Having heart problems? GROW A NEW ONE FROM YOUR BALLS! Diabetes getting you down? GROW A PANCREAS FROM YOUR BALLS! Who knew testicles could be so useful?

Lusted Gals In The Bath

Well, hello ladies! I'd like to offer, um...hello? I don't mean to interrupt, but...well, maybe I'll let this go for a while. I'd like to point out, however, that the 'leg over the shoulder' lines up much better for a technique that would be much more effective if I tried it...just let me know when you're ready for it:

Hooker Sex In School = Bad!

Having sex in a school: eh, don't get caught. Having sex with a hooker in school: could get you arrested. Cop having sex with a hooker in school: um, wait, what? Using the security codes he learned while moonlighting as a security guard, the cop brought his amorous employee to a nice quiet, isolated area for their trysts: the school's nurse's office. He "had needs", said the prostitute; if one of those needs was "not getting caught", well, he did a poor job that that part. (via)

Marilyn Monroe Hormone!

Finally - an end to the "14-year-old boy with breasts" body shape! Scientists have isolated the hormone that, during body development, makes that oh-so-sexy hourglass shape that Marilyn Monroe had in spades. Depending on your position in the relationship, it might not be that great - women on the hormone look better, but they tend to be more self-confident, assertive, and sleep around more. Bad for husbands, good for boyfriends, eh? I suppose it's a worthy trade-off if it reduces the number of stick-thin, protruding-hipbone pseudo-beauties.

Teachers: Sex OK!

Teachers, you're in luck if you live in Washington! There's no laws on the books that bar a teacher from sleeping with an 18-year-old student, because the law is unnecessarily vague. Hell, unnecessarily-vague laws are what protect all of us from being persecuted for one thing or another, so it looks like we'll see fewer news stories from Washington of a teacher-student relationship; they're all moving to the Penthouse Letters section.

Two updates:

First, there are some photos of the artistic models that were on strike last month in Paris. That one guy looks like he really, really needs the money: buy a sammitch, dude.

Next: those fake Lego ads, as I thought, had nothing to do with Legos: they are actually images stolen from artist Jean-Yves Lemoigne, who was toying with pixellation. Eureka!

Axe: Works!

Whargarrbl!!??! Axe body spray really works - but not because of any stink it can put on you. Proving that advertising burrows deep into the brain like a botfly on your ass, sexy commercials showing guys getting the gal because of the spray makes men believe that it might just be true. Men who stink of Axe thus feel more confident that women will throw herself at him, and thus hold themselves more upright, have a friendlier, more positive look on them, and they seem more self-assured in their masculinity - making Axe about as effective as three whiskey-sours at making men attractive. Which, really, is more effective than anybody ever thought Axe could possibly be.

Guard Dogs Need Guard Dog

When you've got two Rottweilers in your junkyard, you don't expect anything to be stolen. So, of course, you're going to be very surprised when thieves run off with one of your guard dogs. Dog #2 was left behind, but the male, #1, was nowhere to be found - checks with the pound determined that the dog hadn't just escaped, but the police came to the rescure. After arresting some stoner for a crime spree, they found the stolen dog in his possession. Home safe, the dog is back at his normal duties, but somebody needs to find a way to keep theives from running off with his dogs in the future -- maybe a couple Dobermans to keep watch?

Boost Economy: Sell Virginity!

Entrepeneur Natalie Dylan hatched an ingenious plan: sell something she only has one of, is unduplicatable, and men value for some really, really stupid reason: her virginity. So far, bids are nearing $4 million dollars (find out how to bid here, if you've got the money), which really should inspire the rest of the population if college freshmen: you've got something between your legs that's worth more than most adults see during their entire lifetime! Be careful in a commodity market, though - if you flood the exchange with a large amount of product at once, the price will fall. Who wants to clumsily give their virginity to ! some guy they just met, just because spent a little money on them? That would be unheard of.


Flagpole Sitter Rescued

Once again, fire crews had to rescue a dude from his predicament: he had, somehow, gotten himself 75 feet up the wrong side of a flagpole. If only he knew that there was an easier way to get the flag down than climbing all the way up there - although I'm just assuming: the fire department didn't know how the guy got up there, either. Reporters were wise to report that the guy didn't seem injured, because injured people are regularly able to hoist themselves 75 straight up in the air and hold themselves there until rescued.

Sky Pilot!

"MAYDAY! MAYDAY! I've lost all control, hydraulics are gone, I'm goin' down - I'M GOING DOWN!!!" Aha, the 'going down' explains the need for the huge bukakke-goggles:

Porn Goes Mobile

Guess who saw business jump after people got shiny new portable devices for Christmas? Pornographers, that's who! It sorta makes me wish I could afford an iPhone - I could sit in church on Sunday pornin' myself up without anyone knowing any better. Hooray for technology! The end of the artice muses on where porn is going in the future - peepshows that are BYOB when it comes to what you're going to view: the internet cafe meets video booths. I kinda thought that's what the bathrooms in the 'free-WiFi' foodcourt at the mall was for, but I guess they could invent something classier. The future sounds wonderful!

Famous Authors' Erotica

Wha?!!? Famous authors have written explicitly sexual stories in the past?!? At least they say they do, but, well, due to the social climate, they won't directly admit to which piece of erotica they wrote...but not only that: they're women writers! What is the world coming to when a talented professional writer can admit to getting her clit all in a tizzy while writing about intimate sexual encounters between fictional characters? It's almost like heaven fell from the sky and landed in the U.K. for a few moments; isn't that horrible?

Lego Honeys!

Don't look now, but the Legos you knew and loved decades ago have grown up with you. Now, it's quite clear there's nothing actually "lego" about these photos - they look more like an ad for encouraging high-bandwidth pornography. They appear to be a creative advertising agency's way to build buzz about themselves; Lego will eventually disperse a press releace denouncing the ads, and some ad company will say "it was an internal project; we never intended for it to 'get out'". It doesn't even look like Legos in any way: Legos have never been 1x1 ratio when seen from the side, and there's no posts on the tops of the blocks these seminude ladies are made from. If you shrink a nude jpeg down to a few pixels wide, enlarge it, and build it out of blocks in a way to create shadows, then maybe that's what we're seeing. Legos, not so much.

Geeks: Flirt Class

As we all know, at least from what television told me, people who operate a computer are tall, skinny, have poor muscular control, exhibit poor hygeine, and dress in ill-fitting clerical clothing. Eh, some grow out of it, but the majority are destined for a life of loveless solitude. That is, until Germany stepped up and began to offer courses in soliciting romance at the Potsdam University. Students will learn how to flirt via new technologies (no uncomfortable personal contact!), impress people (show them your huge calculator!) and handle rejection (because, well, if you need a course in flirting, you've never experienc! ed it before). I wouldn't be surprised if the course is taken by people in other majors, though; math nerds, physicists, majors, however, already have no problem getting laid, but it will be mandatory to take "Handling Geek Love 101", in which they are taught how not to completely damage a nerd emotionally. Seriously, have you ever dated an art school girl? She's a demon in the sack, but they'll chew up and spit out some socially inept computer student, undoing three credits worth of flirting advice in mere moments.

Brothel: Thank-You!

Purchase incentives are everywhere. Buy one get one free, 10% off if you apply for the credit card, free MP3 player upgrades - but a brothel in Nevada has come up with an excellent idea: enjoy the company of their fair employees, get a $50 Discover gift card. According to the article, it's only if you drop at least $300 at the Shady Lady, which isn't too hard to do in a brothel (believe you me!), and that amounts to 17% off...not bad! I just got a "$15 off your $100 purchase" coupon from OfficeMax in the mail - it's a sad day when you get a better discount buying sex than getting ink for your printer. (via)

Awesome Quote:

Just a quick quote from someone speaking on the pressure for women to deny themselves recovery after childbirth. It is seen as "part of the same cultural phenomena that says the ideal woman should have the body of an elegant 14-year-old boy plus breasts" - which is the most succinct and accurate description of modern womens' fashion I've ever heard in a long time. Some of those female 14-year-old-boy bodies even give up on the 'breast' part...all of which saddens me. Refer back to this: Size 8 chicks are hardly a teen boy in body size, but they still feel bad abou! t their shape. Come on, fashion world: start showing those sexy size 8s that they're what's beautiful, not some bony, gangly, ephebophiliac body-shapes.

Strippers: Claim Your Tips!

If you're making $80,000 a year in tips, better bet the IRS will notice: a stripper in Minneapolis found that out the hard way - sure beats the kind of tips a pizza delivery guy or hair dresser sees, eh? Due to the extreme size of the problem, there isn't a "oops, let me catch up on my taxes" issue; she's in the felony range now.

How long For A Blowjob?

The Daily Spank asks the important questions: how long to go down on a guy before sex happens? They come up with an average of around 6 minutes, which is pretty good; but, like the one person said, there's a point where it's "alright already, time to fuck!" I'm one of those lucky people who simply can't have an orgasm from oral sex - I'm not saying it doesn't feel really, really good, I just can't 'close the deal' that way - which is fine for women who don't want things done too soon ("gimme fifteen, twenty minutes to recharge, baby"), but it means I can go far longer than her jaw. About every woman I've dated has taken it as a challenge at least once ("he's just never had a woman do it right!"), and most have succeeded...! but only after a half hour of slurping, and they usually resort to a hand-job towards the end. Whatever makes her feel like she's succeeded is fine by me! Six minutes to ten minutes sounds alright; it's about how long I can go down on a lady, so it keeps things even.

The Asthma-Trigger Gauge

There's a way to tell how much sex Brits are having: check the website statistics for asthma triggers. Apparently, asthmatics have generally searched more for information on sex-caused asthma-attacks, but lately those have fallen off; more people are worried about the flu causing asthma flare-ups. They even have some tips on controlling asthma: Keep your blue reliever inhaler with you at all times, you never know when you might need it, Wrap up well and wear a scarf over your nose and mouth - this will help to warm up the air before you breathe it in, Take extra care when exercising in cold weather. Warm up for 10-15 minutes and take a couple of puffs of your reliever inhaler before you start. Man, if "! wrap a scarf over your mouth and nose" was the sex-asthma advice I found, I'd stop going there for tips, too. Hmmm...on second knitted-scarf sex? Might be sexier than I thought.

No More Penis Gourds!

Papau New Guinea has a problem with the traditional attire of their older residents: nothing but a long gourd over their penis, which grants the men magical powers of invisibility (or so I imagine). Invisibility hasn't worked when it comes to religious influence: the Christians started discouraging it, but the Muslims are even more interested in chaste dress, thus making the gourd fructus non gratis.

AdultVest: Financial Security!

AdultVest sure sounds like some naughty outerwear with the nipples cut out, but it could actually be a sound investment, if you ask the people in charge of it. The adult-industry-centric hedge fund has been around since 2005, and you can bet if the managers aren't jumping out of windows or staring blankly at CNBC's stock tickers, they're doing better than most.

Gonna Make U Sweat

Male Sex Sweat isn't just a bad translation of a Japanese cologne label: it's hardwired into women's brains. Women exposed to one particular man's "sex sweat" store that information in an important part of the brain, thus ensuring that she recognize it in the future. Mildly gross, but the basis for some fun sex-exclamations: "smell my sex sweat! SMELL IT! OHHH!"

Jesus: Terrifying Children!

You know, it's probably a sign that the kids aren't spending enough time in church: a fifty-year-old piece of ecumenical art has been removed from a church in England because it scares small children. The sculpture, from what I can gather, was a 10-foot-tall crucifix and probably full of the blood and gore appropriate for the execution, which only means that British children are pansy-assed wusses. Do like the American Catholic church did when I was a kid: have a scary nun point at the bloody Jesus and tell the boys "that's what's going to happen to you if you masturbate." There's a reason the church used that kind of Jesus behind the altar.

Karaoke: World's Worst Invention

It seems so obvious: karaoke has been deemed the most annoying invention ever. Well, you know, as a cultural force, it has been very important: it's probably a big force behind the creation of the Idol shows across...well, OK, that's probably working against it. How about this: it lets you detect, very accurately, who's really, really drunk. I think, right there, it's worth the money.

For Gracie: Mickey Rourke's Face

Gracie and I were discussing this a few nights ago, about how Mickey Rourke seems to have been switched for a honey-glazed ham, a'la "paul-is-dead" conspiracies. New York Magazine has a slideshow demonstrating his decline into puffydom. Well, it seems it is the same guy, just that his pretty-boy face got all tenderized in the boxing ring.

Flynt: Porn Bailout NOW!

Larry Flynt and the "Girls gone Wild" dude now have a political agenda: get the pornography industry a bailout like the financial and automotive industries got. Like most industries, pornographers have been hit by the recent hard times and the relative "luxury" status of porn - and I'd like to point out that, unlike the banks and auto-makers, the porn industry didn't screw itself to cause the financial burden, so are more deserving than the big industries that are getting all the federal money. In the case of the financial industry, the feds are taking a partial ownership in the businesses; imagine the change in laws if the U.S. government were to buy in to the! porn industry as a dividend-earner? Chance of it happening: none, but it's nice to think about it for a while.

Sweden: Sexy Ads!

Records are good things, right? Last year, Sweden had a record number of overly arousing advertisements; I doubt they'd seen those Flo Progressive that's sexy. Anyhow, Sweden has a Trade Ethical Council against Sexism in Advertising, who watches out for sexually charged and offensive ads, and it's their list that has a record number. Every cloud has a silver lining, right? At least it gives Swedish advertisers a target goal for 2009!

Abstinence Pledge: FAIL!

OK, last week the media had a heyday, because abstinence pledges don't seem to affect anything. This Einstein points out that the data compares apples-to-apples (how unfair!), and abstinence pledgers are still more chaste than the general population. Which, frankly, proves I'm right - if chastity-ring kids are just as sexually active as their conservative, religious peers regardless of pledging, then the abstinence pledge does nothing: it's simply a game the adults play to feel better about their morals. If the kid is going to have sex! , they're going to do it, abstinence pledge or not. If the person in the link above says progressive, godless teens are sluttier, well, let's see the data - but the data on religious, restrained kids still shows that they're just as slutty whether they've pledged their virginity or not.

Paris Hilton = Economy Collapse!

You know that the economy had its head up its ass when this sort of thing happens. Nobody in their right mind would invest $2 million - on the recommendation of their financial advisor - into a fuckin' Paris Hilton film and expect to make their money back. Towards the end of this article you see the outcome, in which an investor realizes that it might not have been the wisest place to secure their money: "The movie is a dog," Anderson wrote. "The comedy is not funny, editing and story line are choppy and Paris shows no skin. It will have a very, very small audience." Too bad it cost them two mil to figure that out.

You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do

Some absurdly horny gentleman decided he really, really needed to fuck something. Rather than taking out his romantic intentions on a park bench or a nut, he did the responsible thing: he broke into a bunch of sex shops, stole blow-up dolls, and fucked them in the alley. Police reportedly have - ew - acquired DNA evidence from the scene.

Lyingist Liar Win The Lie

The best lie of 2008 has been decided: "My grandson is the most persuasive liar I have ever met. By the time he was 2 years old he could dirty his diaper and make his mother believe someone else had done it." About 160 liars sent in their whoppers, but only one really gets to be called The Best. Those guys who write the Penthouse Letters, apparently, aren't eligible due to their preternatural abilities.

Love, Tequila, and Tampons

When you're Courtney Love, nothing comes easy. You're minding your own business when gerbils and ghosts impede the recording process, but you've got the time to pull it all together: a feminine hygene company and a tequila distiller have dumped $30 million in your lap to keep working - so what's a girl to do? The source of all this information appears to be Courtney Love's MySpace administrator, which lends everything said that air of respectibility and truthfullness that only a person whose job has "myspace" in the title can provide. The new album, formerly slated to be released on New Years' Day, is still forthcoming, pending the interference of studio gerbils.

Garage Sex: Deadly!

Car sex isn't a good idea in winter, so don't think you've got it all figured out. A young couple decided to have some naughty fun in the backseat of her car, but due to the cold decided to make themselves parking in a garage and leaving the engine running. Hormones really do impede all logical thought. All the panting and exertion probably didn't help; they died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

(via, further via)

Thinking Man's Sex Symbols

The Daily Beast has honored the world with their list of "The Thinking Man's Sex Symbols", but, sadly, I'm not cool enough to know who many of those women are. M.I.A.? Zadie Smith? Well, I guess if they're hot, they're hot; who am I to argue? Unfortunately, they don't provide nude photos of any of the ladies, which is a disappointment. Meredith Vieira, I'm pointing at you, because we know you're biding your time for the opportunity to release them.

Topless Coffee in Maine!

Now there's an excellent business model: topless coffee shop. An entrepeneur in Maine is looking to turn an old motel into a boobie-exposing java event, thus removing the perils of normal topless bars: drunks, night-life, stripper-pole-injuries. It does, however, include the promise of seeing naked breasts - how could it lose!??!

Hawaiian Shirt Inventor Dies

Alfred Shaheen was one of the world's most influential fashion designers: by using floral and tropical patterns with collared dress-shirts, Shaheen turned Hawaii into a fashion style. His "hawaiian shirts" are now a part of our culture, but sadly Shaheen isn't any more: he passed away just before Christmas at age 86.

Most Sex: Size 8

If you're looking for a gal ready to hop in the sack, look for the curvy ones: size 8 gals are most likely to have had sex recently, because, well, it's that nice Baby Bear size, I'll bet: not a bag of antlers, but cozy enough to get your arms around. In other cute statistics, they listed things done to avoid having sex - on the Men's list: Made love wearing only their socks. WTF? Does that somehow defeat a women's ability to criticize your beer belly? One sad statistic: even though Size 8s are having more sex, they're still as critical of their body as somebody more obese. Come on, women: that size 4 dress you want to get into just makes you look either bony, or like a teenage bo! y. Guys want a little shape to their ladies; you can't be curvy and weigh a hundred pounds.

Crotchless Panty Maker

The pubic lice will know you're not fucking messing around when you start shooting them with your Colt .45:

Norway: No Hookers!

Norway, moving away from the direction its fellow Scandinavian countries have been, has outlawed prostitution, again blaming prostitution itself for things like human traffiking and child abuse. Well, actually, it outlawed the buying of sex, which means - sorry guys - it's against the law for you to pay for sex, but nothing against the gal advertising her wares, which is still ahead of the U.S. in progressiveness.

Tattooed Lady Gallery

Letters on the knuckles and blurry blue teardrops on your cheeks do not a tattoo make: here's 19 pretty gals made surprisingly more beautiful with tattoos:

for the last fucking time, TINSEL DON'T GO THERE!

Resolve For Urologic Health!

Well, urologic health brings with it sexual health - remember, you pee from there - so the Americal Urologic Society has released a list of good New Year's Resolutions that benefit your genitals. I'd have put "stop getting blowjobs from women with braces" as one way to increase penile health, but, well, I'm not part of some hoity-toity urological association, so what do I know.

2009, More Sex, Less Xanax

The Futurist is predicting an amazing 2009: people will do fewer antidepressants, which means - due to less libido-damaging chemicals in the system - more sex for sad people! This, we all predict, will mean a 2010 full of high antidepressant use due to the crushing pain of all the broken-up relationships, increased responsibility of additional children, and just plain craziness caused by a sex-filled 2009.

Obvious: Sex Good For You!

Who'd'a'thunk it: bumping uglies has a whole lotta health benefits. That is, so long as you're taking precautions to avoid the bad health effects of sex, which isn't to hard to do thanks to modern technology. I envision a positive feedback loop: healthier people have more sex, which makes them healthier, which lets them have more sex. You never hear of some muscular, attractive guy playing WoW in his mom's basement all alone, do you?

Vintage Hair: Mug Shots!

Looking for some 'real' hairstyles, as opposed to the fashion styles in the old magazines? Try vintage mugshots, or old ID cards, and you'll have that "I'm just going in to work, who gives a shit" look that, well, if you've seen Russell Brand lately, is the way fashion hairstyles are going.

Ashley Robbins All Soapy

Awwww, poor gal - somebody let the water out of her bath, leaving her silky skin coated in suds. She seems to be enjoying herself, so who am I to try and 'draw her a bath', so to speak?

Holiday Sex!

Yup, you missed out again: the time between Christmas and New Years' is one of the most sex-filled stretches of the year. Could be because those seven days are full of days off from work, the fun of gift-giving, open-bar office parties, and getting drunk with your cousins. Wait, that last one, well, I don't know about you, but to each his own, I guess. Anyhow, check out next September to October for a flurry of baby-birthing, thanks to a slutty holiday season.

Happy New Years' Eve!

Happy new years'! Drive safe, or get a cab: the cop that pulls you over will not be this not, nor as welcoming.