Critique My Dick!
Note that this isn't "rate my dick" - although I'm sure there's a website out there for it. No, this is Critique My Dick, which takes an artistic appreciation of the art of photographing penises. I suspect this has its roots in the fact that the only people who value penis pictures are the men who take them, and the degree of absurdity of their assumption that others will appreciate the photo as well. Still, if you'd like me to email you a picture of my penis, we may be able to arrange something.
You are correct, this is a dick pic, but of Dick Van Dyke, the comedian, and not a naked penis.
Escort Ad Asshole!
Wilson Kipsang was about to cross the finish line at the Berlin Marathon today, setting a new record time, but he wasn't the first to cross the line. Some asshole promoting an escort website jumped the fence and crossed first, getting himself on the Jumbotrons and hopefully his ass kicked by a Berlin police officer. Go pay some white trash person to tattoo your URL on their forehead, don't mess up a record-setting sporting event. Jerk.
Parental Relations!
Another "new" book of erotica from your's-truly. It's actually three previously-published stories that I had put up at EroticStories.com a decade ago (fuck, I'm getting old), and I've edited them and polished them into something worth publishing. In one story, a single mom hooks up with a teacher; in the next, two single parents find love; and in the last, a single dad connects with his babysitter. Each is a quick, short naughty read: you can buy/download Parental Relations from Amazon and Smashwords, along with many, many other ebook websites.
Foam Masturbation Finger!
You might have seen a young woman rub one of these against her crotch recently, but then again I can't account for your wherabouts, so it might not have been Miley Cyrus in your case. If you'd like to watch your own sex partner masturbate with a foam finger, you can now buy one for her, maybe for your anniversary or some other significant life event. They call it a "Twerkfinger", who sounds like a blaxsploitation Bond villian, which makes me want to buy one even more. Any which way, it's not truly a sex toy, but half of the things people rub on their genitals isn't anyway, so why not this too?
Via.
No Bachmann Dildo!
NEWS FLASH: Michelle Bachmann, former Presidential candidate and all-around Conservative weirdo, has not - I repeat NOT - been masturbating. Here is the proof:
Strategy Group and its attorney then provided a notarized statement from employee Jorge Sosa, who said Elsass asked him last year to buy a specific head massager for the congresswoman. Elsass thought the gift might relieve Bachmann's headache.
Sosa said he bought the wrong model, one that an online product description shows is geared more toward use on ailing backs. After discovering his mistake, Sosa said, he purchased the correct head massager and returned the wrong one to Brookstone.
See, her staff didn't buy her a sex toy, they just bought her one personal massager, which didn't meet her needs, and then went back to buy another one, which in turn did meet Bachmann's needs. It was probably one of these, but I really, really like the image of Bachmann with a Hitachi Magic Wand in each hand, rubbing the vibrating balls against each of her temples, moaning in ecstasy.
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Books For Masturbating!
The Frisky asks: what piece of literature made you want to masturbate to fruition? For me, it was the Joy of Sex, which came out while I was a fresh-faced 13-year-old who found this odd encyclopedia of sex terms, an Urban Dictionary for the seventies so to speak, completely arousing, even though the hairy guy in the pictures was a bit offputting. How'd I get my hands on it? Babysitting periodically for a single-mother who worked at the hospital with my mom; it wasn't really all that hidden, and I was a snooper. Yeah, it's hardly literature in the context The Frisky was looking for, but everything else I read was comic books or pulpy scifi, and all lacked much more than the barest hint of sexual expression.
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Boob Weights!
Why? Why the fuck not, says the Russians. 306 Creative Communication has figured out that, as a communication professional, breasts are a prime motivator in viral media. So, they have made lifting weights that look like boobs. Carry on!
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Boob Calligraphy!
They never made us do all that Palmer method when I was in school - hence my piss-poor handwriting. But, I always wanted to learn, and if only I had put some effort into learning fancy handwriting I could be writing on naked ladies today. Art-pen maker Molotow hired some artsy calligraphers to use their markers to make the women look like they fell right off the printed page. And I can't even use Crayola markers without smearing everything all over. That's some marker skill right there.
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Go Topless!
You might not be pushing for full nudity, but sometimes maybe you're just feeling a little quasi-nude. It might be mostly legal in a few states, but the group gotopless.org is trying to spread uncovered boobs throughout the entire country. It's no half-assed group: one of their members, Phoenix Feely went on a 9-day hunger strike over being arrested for sunbathing topless. They're not messing around when it comes to uncovered nipples in public.
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Reddit Porn!
Reddit is an excellent community of netizens who share all the varieties the photos of cats and stock-photos with captions you could possibly imagine. However, there's a darker side, one where Redditors Go Wild and people hotlink porn from sites like Red Blooded Thing without crediting the source. OK, Reddit and I have a love-hate relationship. But, if you want to accidentally turn your Reddit account into a free-porn account, here's how you do it.
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Naughty Embroidery!
First, there's embroidery, an art form which requires so much attention that I can barely type the word out without checking Facebook halfway through. Then there's animation, which is even more drawn out and detail-oriented. Now, combine the two and add boobs - and you get the most awesome animated embroidery of boobs ever, from somebody named Tsurubride. More in the link.
More, via.
Alison's Soapy Toes!
You know, when her toenails are painted but her fingernails are not, that's a lady who appreciates her feet -- Alison, of course, takes extra time to make sure her tootsies are all clean before they have a chance to get dirty again.
More from this gallery >>
Non-Sex Advertising On Porn!
It makes perfect fucking sense: you don't limit your advertising to just people who are already consuming a product. A billboard for McDonald's right next to a Burger King might not be a horrible idea, but try putting one along the freeway exit, where hungry people looking for fast food are actually at. That's the theory Eat24 went with -- but rather than billboards, they went to where hungry people on the internet are: porn sites. More businesses need to get with the program, and forget about all the puritanical bullshit. Porn consumers aren't obsessed freaks who only shop for porn and nothing else -- they're the people who buy XBoxes and Fords and iPods and tickets to sports games and movie theatres. And -- and this is the most important part -- advertising on adult sites is fucking cheap, per impression, compared to mainstream websites. Do that math, business, and realize that there's a whole world waiting to see your ad. We're tired as hell of "local MILFs waiting for you" and one crazy trick your doctor won't tell you.
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Mommy Blogs Too Sexy!
God damn it ladies: stop being all sexy and shit in your mommy blogs. I know, it's a Catch-22 -- you're women, so everything you do is sexy. It's just the way it is, but you need to reign it in, because we're getting tired of ways to objectify you. I mean, MILF is so 2002. There must be something new you can do.
Liquid Lapdance!
There really aren't a whole lot of sex toys for men, compared to the acres of dildoes you can find at the adult bookstore. There's something new for guys, now: it's called the Liquid Lapdance, and it helps you orgasm while enjoying the strip club. It's pretty much lubed rubber underpants, like scaling up a Fleshlight's liner to miniskirt size. So, you lube it up before hitting the town, then as a stripper grinds on you the lubed parts stroke the shaft, and then you walk around the rest of the night in a lube-and-sperm dreamworld. I'm sure creepy guys will find plenty of unsavory reasons to wear it in public, but I'm sure there's plenty of non-creepy reasons to wear these someplace other than a stripclub. Like, doing sit-ups in the morning -- I can improve my core, and get off at the same time. I'll never be late to work again!
Upton's Breasts Best!
A recent study by bra manufacturer Triumph says that 34D is the breast size everyone wants - the same size as beautiful Kate Upton. Well duh, who DOESN'T want Kate Upton's boobs, if at least to only enjoy them for a little while? They're some of the only breasts to have their own Facebook account, they are so magnificent.
Fake Porn Store Crime!
Sure, first it's illegal to rob a pornography store, and now they're making it illegal to pretend to rob a pornography store? Which one IS it, prudes? Two women have been arrested for pretending the pornshop was robbed and blaming some guy. Their plan was undone by not having their stories straight, and leaving tire tracks that lead the cops right to you. Nobody ever said you have to be smart to work at a porn store, and in Montana there's apparently no minimum IQ.
Burning Man Hula Hoop!
This makes me fucking dizzy, but it's worth it for the sticker boob pasties. Plus, I imagine this is how my brain would feel if I ever went to Burning Man, just from the contact high from all the hippies. Are they still hippies? Or are they hipsters now? Or is this something else? One of these days I might have to go, just long enough that I leave before I get too annoyed.
Union Stripclub!
The Service Employees International Union handles all sorts of jobs: healthcare workers, government employees, strippers, janitors, and--well, yeah, strippers, but more particularly the Lucky Lady in San Francisco, the only unionized strippers in the U.S.. Then, in 2003, it became a worker-owned communistic utopia -- but, sadly, it closed this past weekend, leaving the nude-girl market to the flashy and sleazy stripclubs of the modern day.
