David Lee Roth's Pricey Penis!
It has come to my attention that David Lee Roth's penis has been insured against loss or damage. I suspect that, since insurance rates are based on risk, this cost David Lee Roth a shitload of money. I mean, it's like building a house in a floodplain: David Lee Roth's penis was guaranteed to go many, many places that a more self-protecting penis was unlikely to go. It's amazing he still has one at all.
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Crowley Is Back!
Peaches Geldorf has brought us word that Aleister Crowley is back, baby! Her and Jay-Z, apparently are open followers of the O.T.O, or the occult religion Crowley invented in the early 20th century. This is the stuff read by those weird kids in high school who did Tarot cards at lunch and wore ankhs everywhere, and they had a lot of sex but otherwise forgot all about the occult once they had to, you know, get jobs. Somebody's been keeping the torch alive, though, otherwise we'd be stuck with Scientology and Kaballah as the only weird shit that famous people devote themselves to. It's about time Crowley made a comeback.
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Topless For Axl!
When I go to concerts, sure, there's cool music, but nothing amazing ever happens. At the concerts I've seen, whan a fan jumps on state they just get thrown off by security. When you're Axl Rose, the fan takes off their top and shows their tits to everyone. You can watch the full video of her 'assets' here.
Laptop Thief Likes BBWs!
Why do laptop thieves not think every laptop has this? A man was mugged and was robbed of his laptop and credit card. What does the thief do? Uses the laptop to buy porn on the credit card. The problem is that, like most everyone who carries their laptop around, the computer has camera software that tracks and photographs the thief when compromised. Thanks to this marvel of modern technology, we all get to watch some beefy dude masturbate to BBW porn. So, really, most afternoons for me; I really should move that mirror.
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Emily's Bath!
Hey, there, Emily - why are you sitting on that end of the tub? You're going to hit your head on the tap, that that won't feel very good. Here, come sit on this end of the tub with me. You might not think there's enough room, but you're more than welcome to sit on my lap. I think you'll enjoy it, too.
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Pixel Swimsuit!
Designer Andrew Kirillov has come up with the perfect solution for a revealing bikini design. Since TV and the internet both think a marginally pixellated naked body is G-rated, the Pixel Swimsuit is sure to gain widespread acceptance. I suspect they'll have to offer a few different versions - not every lady has a landing strip down there.
Sim-U-Sex!
In 1992, cyberpunk was the way of the future -- everything was "cyber" this and "e-" that and "web" those, and if you were the lucky kind of person that had a PC and didn't have a parent looking over your shoulder, you could play a naughty game like Sim-U-Sex, the sex simulation game of the future! Me, I masturbated to Leisure Suit Larry and I was plenty happy about it. More images here, and you can download it here.
Imitating Poses!
Some bald, tattooed guy has decided he has all the skills to be a American Apparel spokesmodel, so he has taken it upon himself to build his portfolio by imitating some of the lame, unnatural poses that disgustingly skinny women make in fashion photos. If you ask me, his billboard will be on the side of some ten-story building in LA any day now.
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Too Much Shaving!
I get a lot of shit for not liking shaved legs; they're unnaturally smooth, I call them "salamander legs" because they're just weird to the touch. Now, look at how much time you're wasting, ladies: to make your legs all weird, you're wasting like two months out of your entire left just shaving. My dislike for shaved legs is such that I resorted to linking to a Cosmo article, so that should tell you something.
Leather Wallet Holster!
All the models there are ladies, but I could totally see a guy wearing one of these and looking like a steampunk Han Solo. It's purselike, but not a purse; it's wallet-chainlike but less douchey; it looks like a holster hanging from a sam browne belt; and it's a bit more pickpocket-hostile than most other wallet carriers. I can't see a downside, other than price, but I'm too cheap to replace my beat-up old trifold wallet.
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Disturbation!
I can't say I've ever been walked in on, but my cat looks like this everytime he's caught on the kitchen counters. Disturbation is an art project by Dany Peschl (some without annoying slideshow here) aims to depict the surprising intrusion into an intimate part of life, whether you're a naked nun running through the forest or a Nazi...wait, what, is the Nazi getting a pedicure? I don't really know, but that discomfort is part of the intent I suppose.
Vinyl Sales Up!
For several years now, vinyl record sales have been continuing to rise from their near-death slump in the early 1990s. That includes turntable sales, which are seeing smaller growth, which means either people are buying more second-hand turntables, dusting off their own old turntables, or turntable owners are simply just buying more vinyl. Top selling vinyl albums? Hipster stuff, the Beatles, and Adele. Adele sold so many albums in the past years in every format, I'm sure most of her numbers for vinyl were split between people who could find no other copy of Adele's album, and well-meaning grandparents who haven't heard of any newer audio formats and couldn't find the tape cassette section in Sam Goody's.
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Manhandles!
I'm the cook around the house, and I love my cast-iron frying pans. I've thought a couple times I should get a cover for the handles, since they can get pretty hot. If I felt like holding on to a small, crocheted penis, I could order one of these -- they're called "manhandles" and I don't think I'm the right audience for them, but if the insinuation is that A) kitchens belong to women and B) women love touching penises, well, then I guess these are totally awesome. Not sure how that fixes my frying pan issue, but, well, I'll pass on the penis potholders, sorry.
Heidi Goes To School!
Next in my series of 10,000-word erotica e-book novellas comes Heidi Goes To School, a taste of youthful exuberance. Heidi grew up in a very liberal household...in the middle of the Montana wilderness. She could drink, smoke, swear, and otherwise do all the things most kids did to rebel. The only thing missing was the opposite sex, so once she hit the road, on her way to school, there were a few things she wanted to cross off her list. As with the others (1, 2), Heidi Goes To School is available on Amazon and Smashwords, and other fine ebooksellers everywhere.
Bras Not Best!
Otto Titzling is spinning in his grave. For 15 years, a doctor in France has studied 130 women and decided that bras aren't really all that awesome. 130 doesn't seem that thorough: I don't know how many 40G boobs he was around, but there's definitely some people in need of a well-fitting bra. However, I can't complain about nicely-shaped pair of boobs swinging free, so use this information however fits, ladies.
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Fix Inverted Nipples!
Of all the possible things to bitch about your body, ladies, do you have a problem with inverted nipples? Well, Japan is out to fix it, with their inverted-nipple-sucking-tool that will fix something that you really shouldn't complain about. I mean, why invest in a machine to do it, when there's so many men willing to volunteer for free to suck your nipples themselves? Not that you should let those pervs do it - but if they're willing to do the work of this machine, then leave your fucking nipples the way they are, we love 'em like that.
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Cykno Bike!
This goes under 'cars' because it is powered, but usually a scooter doesn't fall under anything but the "lame" category. The Cykno bike, however, is testosterone mixed with a shot of jaguar's blood. Just look at it: who cares if you can't go up steep hills with it; the adoring gaze of horny women as they admire your body straddling this mighty machine will be more important that whatever's at the top of that hill.
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Women Pornographers!
Of course, the pornography industry would be nowhere without the participation of women, but that interaction has traditionally been seen as exploitative at best and abusive at worst. Of course - as is anything which delves so deep into the lizard-brains of humans - is a much more complicated relationship than even one person can keep track of in their lives. The book After Pornified by Anne Sabo PhD discusses not just her study of pornography, but also the interaction with her life and how it has colored others' opinions of her for even the slightest association. You can read an excerpt from the book here, and find more out about the doctor at her own blog.
Photo is from an article on Petra Joy's work, and see also this past weekend's Feminist Porn Conference.
Space Condom!
There's a new condom on the street: it's called the Origami condom, and that's not because of any penis-folding. It's a silicone condom, lubricated on the inside for sensation, and it has a big-ol flange on the bottom so to keep your big cock from pushing the whole thing inside her ladyparts. When it's on, it doesn't look too different than a normal condom, but all the promotional photos make it look like a spacedicks thing. The Origami isn't for sale yet -- but it should be in the next year.
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No Nipples!
So, tell me: is a girl whose boobs are as smooth as a Barbie doll still a sexy woman? Photographers Loretta Rae and Geoffrey Rittenmyer (who no longer have a website, and have presumably broken up their portmanteau studio "Loreffrey") decided to provoke some weird boners by photoshopping the nipples off women as a statement on what makes women sexy: is it the woman, or just that two-square-inches that the photoshop 'star' stamp covering them up on the celebrity gossip website? And, at least they have their teeth. Provided these ladies' crotches aren't as smooth and featureless as Barbie, I don't think I'd mind. Just ask all the men who still love their ladies after breast cancer surgery causes a nipple to disappear...but the amount of time and effort in restoring nipples goes to show that they do have more importance than photoshop can affect.
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