Glitter Farter!
In going through Christmas-themed galleries, I discovered the strangeness you see below. It seems that Christmas isn't immune from the flower-farter syndrome, but adapted for the season. Anna, below, has begun farting glitter from her clitter due to her excitement that Santa's on his way. Merry Chrismas everyone!
Toes = Fucking!
Em and Lo ask, "why does bare feet equal sexy sex time?" My answer: because showing anything above the knees actually looks like people fucking. Duh.
Liquor = Unsafe Sex!
Want to fuck somebody in the most reckless and dangerous way? Drink a shitload of alcohol, and you're more likely to have unsafe sex. That sort of thing might turn on a lot of people, like most of Dublin's teenagers, but for the rest of us, ladies, we'll happily fuck you without either of us having to get really drunk. We both might enjoy it a bit more, too.
Orange-Haired Soapy Babe!
She's only washing from the neck down, because the soap might strip out some of the color from her hair. She knows how much I like fucking cartoon characters, so it needs to stay orange as long as possible.
Conservatives Support Porn!
Representative Jared Polis of Colorado has temporarily become my favorite person in the world. Towards the end of the debate over the horrible, horrible SOPA law, he introduced an amendment to the law which explicity excluded pornography from the SOPA. This created an odd dynamic: By excluding pornography from SOPA protection - when piracy is such a big problem in the adult industry - essentially goes the conservative route and causes hardship for porn. However, SOPA is designed to protect legal copyright holders, so by voting down the amendment means that Congress, essentially, has thrown their hat into the ring with pornographers. So, thank you, Republican Lamar Smith, for showing us that pornography is in your best interests. We always knew it anyway. Also, the Avenue Q song, "The Internet is for Porn", was used as evidence, and is now part of the congressional record. For as fucked up as the anti-piracy laws are, Polis has done a good job of turning the tables and showing the absurdity of it all.
Winner Is Lincoln!
And the winner is: the Lincoln Town Car! It turns out that the reason you are always screaming in traffic at old ladies in Lincoln Town Cars is that it's the #1 car owned by old people. Because they're built like tanks, they'll be around a while even though the Towncar was discontinued last year. The percentages are a bit off; that's the ratio of how many people bought that car, not how many old people own that car. So, that means that nearly every Lincoln Town Car was bought by a senior citizen, so in ten years expect to be able to buy them at estate auctions, with only 10,000 miles on it, for around $500 a piece.
DIY Tattoo Gun!
Need to get a tattoo, but unable to procure the funds or locate a licensed and safe tattoo artist? Make a jailhouse tattoo gun yourself, and get a tattoo in the safety of your own bathroom.
Graffiti On Girls!
It's that time of year, when people start putting out calendars all fulla boobs. The website, Shriiimp, which is now totally in my bookmarks, is devoted to bodypainting urban-styled imagery onto naked women. This year they've put out a 2012 calendar, so you can say, "sorry, honey, I need to know what day it is - the calendar stays!" But, I'm thinking your wifey might like it, too, since it's all arty and body paint. You can only kinda see nipples if you really try.
Change A Lightbulb!
How many sexy Dutch babes does it take to change a lightbulb? It...um...well, I don't know, the punchline is all in Netherlandish, but I'm not complaining because a hot blonde changes a lightbulb in high heels. How the high heels stayed on the lightbulb, I have no idea. Ha, I knew I could fit a shitty joke in somewhere.
Christmas Panties!
Time to go shopping if you want your sexy Christmas lingerie by Christmas Eve! Screw all the 'santa and elf' themed stuff - kissing under the mistletoe is where it's at, and this set (which doesn't include the socks or shoes, unfortunately),which lets you hang the mistletoe on the front of the thong, right where she wants to be kissed. 
Talk About Penises!
I'm behind the curve a bit, as this is the first time I've heard about this documentary My Penis And Everyone Else's, from 2007. It documents one British gentleman's struggle with having a tiny penis, and how the world around us deals with penises in general. For as obsessed as culture is with how women look, penis self-image tends to be ignored or banished into one of two extremes: bigger is better, or size doesn't matter. The guy in the documentary shows that it's a bit more complicated than just that simple dichotomy. Go watch the entire documentary here.
Batman Motorcycle Suit!
UD Replicas is a leathermaker who specializes in movie replicas, and they've got something awesome for sale: Batman leather motorcycle gear. It's designed to look just like the movies, except in leather and safety-approved for actual racing. Make sure you live in a state with weak helmet laws, so you can wear it with a cowl and cape.
2012 Pirelli Calendar!
I know everybody's excited, after last year's edition, but there's no time to waste now: the new Pirelli Calendar is coming out! The theme is 'women in nature', and was photographed by Mario Sorrenti, the lucky bastard.
Erector Set Bra!
That bra gets my Erector Set going, if you know what I mean. And, no, that's not just something a wierd photograhper decided to include: if you look closely at the photo, taken from the fashion magazine Schon!, that they actually credit a fashion designer source. Secondly, she doesn't have anything requiring any support anyways, let alone anything that needs galvanized pipe strap to hold it up.
Porn-Finding App!
There's an app for that, you know, and now there's apparently an app for finding porn. No, no, this isn't a new tiava or anything - this is a program that will scan the computer itself, so you can find his porn. Yes, guys, if your gal is that paranoid, she can, without a doubt, prove that you're looking at porn online. Other than the proof that you're a guy with an internet connection, which should be enough evidence of guilt in most countries. Guys, if you're dating somebody who's willing to PayPal $19.99 to see if there's porn on your computer, you might best just break up with them now. But, wait, ladies: I'm not talking about cases of direct lying, such as having a clear and open conversation about how she feels about porn, lying about it, then looking at porn anyway. That's the asshole route, and you deserve her wrath when she finds your porn. I'm not willing to shell out twenty bucks to see how it works, but with everything on the 'cloud' today, I can't imagine it'll find much on most guys computers. If it checks cookies and network traffic to find connections to porn sites, well, I tip my hat to you, paranoid-program-maker, that's a step beyond what I'd have expected.
Mustache Fashion Show!
I shouldn't mock this too much; there are only so many ways men can style their heads without inviting mockery, and since I have great difficulty growing a beard of any kind, I must tip my bowler hat to anybody who can look like ZZ Top or a pirate - or both at the same time, in fact, and that person totally deserves a trophy. Good for them.
Velvet Blazer!
FashionBeans has an article on how to wear a velvet blazer; my answer: dude, just don't. Unless you're the waiter who drew the short straw and has to work the breakfast shift on Christmas, you shouldn't be wearing a velvet blazer. The rest of their 'accessory' recommendations really aren't so bad, so read the rest, but replace 'velvet' with 'silk'. A fitted, double-breasted vintage silk jacket would be a fine replacement. Velvet, it looks like you accidentally wore your 1970s couch to the bar.
Bubble Bath Day!
Here, it's the first time I've heard of such a thing: today is Bathtub Party Day, and I didn't have anything planned. No matter: Coed Magazine has compiled a whole bunch of sexy bubble bath pics, so I can at least pretend. Most are the same photosets I've posted here. Of course, the redhead in their title picture is the one I want to see more of - and it's not included in the actual gallery. Way to go, Coed.
Too Much Sausage!
Hey, lady, while you're trying to eat two sausages at once, your hams fell out of your coat. And I think your problem is that you're using the wrong utensil altogether. I know you're drunk as a skunk, but treat those sausages with decency, why don't you?
Gaga Tits!
Yes, people, you've heard the rumours of Lady Gaga's manliness, but those boobs are pure woman right there. Vanity Fair has Gaga nude, with a retired musician standing by to provide song if necessary. My only complaint: eat a goddam sandwich, Gaga - your ribs are fucking scary.
Abstinence Only: Fail!
What? Really? Abstinence-only sex-ed fails horribly wherever it is applied? I demand more evidence - my Jesus says that abstinence-only must work, so I require another five zillion studies from your so-called 'science' and 'logic' before I will believe you. It's not like Christians believe in a religion which includes an 'evil' character that spreads lies and misleads the faithful that would cause undue hardship to those who mistakenly do his bidding. I'm getting fucking sick of religious zealots. Your church shit doesn't fucking work, so stop pushing it on everyone. You can teach abstinence-only to your own kids, and then teach it to your grandkids when you're 36, loser. Then, go and praise God's will for sending you such a lovely life while you're stuck babysitting so your kid can take his finals. Or, on the other hand, start thinking about your choices, and teach your kids to do the same. Maybe things will turn out a bit more differently, and you can thank God for that, then.
Batman Snuggie!
I can't fault a guy for wanting to look like Batman, but, Jesus Christ, dude, when you're wife gets home and sees you like that, she's going to go to the laundry room for a few minutes while she laughs until she nearly pees. Seriously. I know, Batman is the shit, but unless the guy below got this for a Christmas present and is wearing it out of politeness, he's doing it wrong. For crying out loud, it's 70s Batman - at least have a Clooney Nipples version for the ironically kitschy. For this Batman snuggy, just think what you'll look like shuffling to the kitchen for another beer, your ass hanging out like a hospital gown, and then ask if you really look like a dark knight.
