Old Women Fuck!
According to a recent survey, over 60% of women over age 45 are still getting cock on a regular basis, and a third of women over age 65 still knock boots. Now, next time you go to the grocery store, keep that statistic in your head. The granny who uses the cart to block the aisle, the 50-something with huge tits and thinning hair running the cash register, the two 40-somethings discussing their children's weddings: at least two of them are having sex on a regular basis. Take that to the bank next time you think, hey, better have sex now before I get old. Sorry to say: someday you're going to be fucking a woman just like those "old ladies", gentlemen, and you're gonna like it.
Quickie Art!
Sometimes, you know, you and her are both up for it, but you've got to get back to work, or your parents just pulled up in the driveway, or the judge is going to read your sentence is in a couple minutes - what are two randy people to do? First, read Made Man's advice on how to have a quickie, with four do-don't pairs. One of the "don'ts": Don't plan. So if you read the list, don't commit anything to memory, you might be chastized for planning too much. I mean, come on, man, she's there, you're erect, you know where she wants it, get to work and stop being a self-conscious ass who needs tips from a men's website.
Seaplane!
This is so fucking awesome, I might have to sell everything I own and move in to it: Antilles Seaplanes is producing modernized versions of the classic Grumman Goose. You might remember it from pretty much every god-damn awesome 1940s adventure movie, and as a key part of Tales of the Gold Monkey. Yes, freakin' Captain Decker flew it with a one-eyed dog that wears an eyepatch, and now you can own a plane like his.
Bad For Men!
The Frisky, usually more interested in women's issues, has compiled a list of 15 things that are hurting men. From Axe body spray commercials to bromances, I'd say this list is more of a "what stupid things are guys doing in the misguided belief that women enjoy it". A while back, somebody (rather speciously) blamed the skinny, "prepubescent-boy" look for women on the fact that the people in charge of fashion and the media were largely gay - and this might be the converse of that issue. We're making our women look and act like 14-year-old boys, men are supposed to look like flaming homosexuals all the time, and - for some unknown reason - those misguided women and men keep fucking each other despite how disappointingly stupid they look. You know, everyone: if you'd stop fucking people who look like they'd appeal more to a gay man, people wouldn't think that these fashion choices were successful. Case in point.
Sleazy IPhone Apps!
As if you don't already look like a total douche for showing off your iPhone apps to anyone who makes eye contact, here's Complex's guide to the sleaziest iPhone applications for you to download and show off to the guys at the office, potential girlfriends, your extended family, et al. That is, sleaziest at the time of publication; I'm sure 25 new bouncy-boob apps have appeared since I started typing this sentence. Anyhow, when you make a piece of electronics that has a touch screen, accelerometer, and vibrates - what else could possibly use all three of those features? I think Apple had this in mind all along. Those horny bastards.
Bad Economy: No Office Sex!
Boy, back in the day, office hookups were happening left and right when the economy was good. Bad economy? People are keeping their panties on at work. Office sex seems to be at a low (unless you're a high school teacher, those still pop up in the news as frequently as ever), so you missed your chance, guys: if you thought you had a chance to fuck the cute secretary in the break room, her financial worries are keeping her libido in check. Just hope she sticks around until the next housing or dot-com bubble, then you might be able to sneak up that miniskirt of hers.
Blowjob = Cancer!
Instances of throat cancer are on the rise, despite diminishing numbers of smokers, because blow jobs are at an all-time high. Oh, by the way, let's continue to focus on a HPV vaccine only for women - it's obvious they are the problem, just like birth control. So, ladies, hopefully you got your vaccine when you were younger, wrap that dick before putting your lips on it (non-spermicidal, though; I hear the N9 ones are gross), and stop giving away blowjobs like they're nothing - HPV is the least of your disease worries.
Newsman = Pimp!
A sports reporter from New Hampshire has been arrested and charged with pimpin', according to MSNBC. Was this horrible person part of a ring which kidnapped poor western European women and threatened them with violence for compliance? Just listen to this tale of horror: the 50-year-old reporter allegedly "met the women at a Manchester hotel to 'audition' them. He was accused of giving one woman lingerie, having sex with her and then telling her she was hired.". That monster. And, according to the story, because he vetted customers and arranged for a safe environment, he took nearly half of their earnings, probably leaving them only around a hundred bucks an hour for their time. How did these women survive? It's a good thing the anti-pimping laws are taking cruel slavers like these off the street.
April O'Neil Washes Up
April O'Neil here is preparing for a bath. I'm mildly amused, because April O'Neil is the name of the friend of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so while I have her kneeling on the edge of the tub, soapy ass in the air, pounding her with my dick from behind, it would be impossible to avoid yelling out references to the cartoon as I come. I don't think it'd go over very well. Anyhow: SOAPY BOOBS!
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Reminder: Wanking OK!
In case you'd forgotten, the Times of India would like you to know that "masturbating regularly has no ill-effects at all on one's sexual performance, penis growth or psychosocial health." It will, however, result in chafing and unwarranted stickiness which could affect other things, but, hey, the long-term effects of masturbation are next to nil. Hot damn, I think I'll go do it now!
Dear Abby: Helpful Porn OK!
Dear Abby has answered a woman in a sticky situation: the woman's sister is in porn, but is using the ill-gotten gains to pay for the woman's kids' education - how can she return the money without insulting the porny sis? Answer: shut the fuck up about the porn and let the money continue to do good things. Yay, Dear Abby's ghostwriters! Now, if only Dear Abby can reach more judgmental people and tell them to shut up about other people's choices, too, the world will be a better place.
Not Cosby's Loses, No Surprise
The only person surprised seems to be the person who wrote the press release. At the Urban X Awards, a porn industry award for minority-focused work, the TV-show parody "Not the Cosby Show" won absolutely no awards. This did not surprise the director, nor any of the performers, since they knew they had not been nominated, and were not expecting any awards, but the writer for AIN found this to be a travesty, a sin against modern art, because, well, the marketing agency was paid, so, hell, they better spin something about it.
Not A Hooker!
A while back, a prostitute was booked under the alias "Linda Norris", the name of a former neighbor. Imagine the hilarity when the real Linda Norris gets involved in a routine traffic stop, and the name and address get into the computer? Linda gets booked for prostitution and sits in jail until fingerprints prove her identity. "Sorry, ma'am, the computer says you're her - only a criminal would pretend she's not the right one, and the louder you argue, the more you prove your guilt. These computers, what would we do without 'em?"
Sex And Science!
Some of those excellent artists from Pixar have decided to release some of their sexual frustration with The Ancient Book of Sex and Science, all done in a retro-modern UPA cartoony style. Naughty, naughty artists! (warning: annoying flash interface)
Red Wine = Horny!
In a new study, data has shown that women who drink red wine have sexier thoughts afterwards, compared to other beverages. Oh, I suppose that warm, fluffy feeling as the alcohol effect starts has something to do with it (my guess is Red Bull is not even on the charts; their thoughts after drinking were "LETS GO RIDE BIKES NOW WOOO"), but red wine was still a few points higher than other alcoholic drinks. So, men, make sure the dinner you take her to is serving food that goes with red wine; it might make the difference for how the evening ends.
Guys: Pubic Shaving?
Or, er, make sure you shave. Lemondrop says don't do it, but the reader comments say that's a crock of shit. Asylum, on the other hand, says grooming is fine, but too meticulous is nuts, but the comments say, yes, greenskeeping is necessary. Me? I don't do anything down there; my dick takes care of itself. Maybe I need to start trimming a bit; no complaints so far, but, well, if she's concerned about your hairstyle down there, she might not be paying attention to the more important parts of the sexual encounter.
Top Nude Events!
Reuters, fulfilling the world's need for only the important news, has compiled a list of the five best nude events in the world. I think they mean 'public events', because last night I participated in 3 different private nude events that far exceeded my enjoyment of Disneyland. Anyhow, the short rundown is: protest, attention-whore, attention-whore, protest, hippies. Eh, it's better than running from the cops after stripping down to nothing outside a bar at 3am. Or so I've heard.
Wine Bottles Too Sexy!
The Cycles Gladiator wine, known for the vine-ripened grapes in the California valleys that make up their vinyards, is known for something else at the other end of the country: their nude bottle labels. The Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board recently decided that the label was too "offensive or immodest", thus making it illegal to sell in their grand state. The style of this label, and others from the same winery, is of the 19th century French Impressionism, which, as it shouldn't surprise anyone, Alabama has no place for in their culture. 
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Craigslist: More Hookers!
What's all this, you say? Despite having bent over backwards for the attorney's general of several states, prostitutes have still found a way to sell sex online through Craigslist? Incredible! And, it seems, by giving them an "adult services" section, specifically for their business pursuits and vetted by Craigslist employees, has only encouraged these entrepreneurial women. At least it's done about as well as controlling prostitution itself in Chicago has worked, Mr. Cook County Sheriff.
Get Laid For Cheap!
No, I'm not talking about Valerie, the daytime hooker: this list includes way to get yourself into a girlfriend's pants without spending a lot of money. The Art Museum one is actually pretty good; "fake accent" is just lame, and "give a ride home after the bar" is a bit too creepy for me. But, hey, I'm not in charge of your creepy-meter: if calling your ex for a bootycall or treating fat women like sex-crazed easy girls, that's for you to discuss with your psychologist.
Songs To Get Laid!
Need to get laid, and all you have is your iPod? It's more likely than you think. Make sure these songs are on there, and you're sure to knock off a piece. I'll be completely honest, I haven't heard a lot of them; lots of alternativey things, which means the girl you fuck will probably have tattoos up and down her arms, a "-ring" that doesn't involve ears, and a taste for whiskey. Not that I'm complainin' about that mind you.
Worst Sex Sounds!
Sex is full of sounds, but LoveHoney has put together, in fine pie-chart form, the worse things to hear during sex. Farm animals: OK! "The Front Door Closing": Bad! I think that's a reference to cheating, so I think they get what they deserve in that case. "I love you" wasn't so bad as you might think, and unsurprisingly "other" got the third most votes. "Fart" was the first thing I thought of, and, hey, it's the #1 "other"! Shows LoveHoney what people are really worried about hearing during sex.
Women: Porn Is Great!
Over at Oprah.com, Violet Blue provides evidence that women like porn just about as much as men: Nielsen says one-in-three, Hustler says half, neither of which are small perc-wait, what the fuck? Violet Blue writes for Oprah? Dude, that's more paradigm-shifting than women liking porn. Women have always liked porn; in the past, it was called "erotica" and less likely to be censored by the government, meaning that women had an easier time getting their jollies from sexual media than guys did.
Brad Pitt: Porn OK at Work!
If you wondered whether you should look at porn at work, ask Brad Pitt, who suggests you scan your porn there. Why put wear-and-tear on your own scanner! Sidenote: who the fuck scans their porn to look at it on the computer? Brad Pitt needs to turn SafeSearch off for a while.
Penis: Funny!
Back in the eighties, there was a respect for the penis: when one appeared in a film, it was artsy, it meant something, there were deeper repercussions about man's place in the universe. Today? the penis is a shock laugh. Where did we go wrong, penis-watching moviegoers? Is this how we see men? Sadly, yes, yes it is.
Suki All Soapy!
Suki, here, has succumbed to the same absent-mindedness that plagues so many hot chicks: forgetting to undress before getting in the bubble bath. The only way to teach them how to do it right is to undress yourself, get in the tub, and help her undress, too: whatever happens naturally after that is the bonus for being nude in the tub - everybody wins!
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Porn Star Wife = Fired!
Let's say you've got a cushy government job, you live in Florida, you've got a smokin' hot wife - life's great, right? That is, until the city council discovers your wife is a porn star; then, you're ass is fired. Oh, of course, that in no way reflects on the reason for the firing (not that they can provide a reasonable reason), and the city is struggling to get through various projects that the fired city planner was doing a good job of managing, but, hey, we can't tolerate any sort of pornin' around here, you know. Much better to look like idiots than to accept a married porn star.
Unsexy T-Shirts!
I don't think anyone actually buys or wears these shirts (they do attract site visitors, though), like half of the crap in Spencer's, but Lemondrop has picked out some of the most misogynistic t-shirts seen online and has given them a verbal thrashing. "No sex for you," says the women to the guy wearing the shirt, but I will point something out. Women like assholes, so let's say I wear an asshole shirt, you give me crap, I'm nice back, and you say, "awwww, I'm kinda drunk, he's actually a nice guy, and I want to fuck somebody." It's not that they're repelling all women; they're attracting a certain kind of woman. Everybody wins! (via)
Giant Dog Penis!
Gille and Marc Schattner, artists from down under, have a show at a gallery entitled "The Dog In Us All". The artwork all falls under a theme of the intersection of dog-kind and man-kind, and includes a statue called "Good Boy," seen below. The status is almost 9 feet tall, and at that scale, everything is huge. Er, even the two foot long human penis dangling between the man-dog's legs. The article neglects to say how they measured the fiberglass organ, nor does it say who the model was. What they do point out is that many people are shocked when suddenly confronted by a two-foot-long handling phallus at eye level. People in Sydney were worse off, probably because it was exhibited outside, but they've moved it to a gallery in Perth, which, apparently, expects to run into giant dicks when wandering the galleries. 
Hot For Teacher!
CBS News' "CRIMESIDER," or the worst name for an off-brand superhero ever, is musing on the most notorious teacher sex scandals ever. What makes them so notorious? The Hannibal-Lecter-like detail the criminal went through to cover their tracks; the extreme nature of the sexual acts; the enormous number of victims from one vicious teacher? Oh, no, no, no -- it's all about the teacher's fuckability. Note that there's not even any hot guys on the list - guys don't get a pass if they've been fucking 16-year-olds they believe they're in love with - it's an altar to women who'll give a teenager the greatest fantasy known to men: fucking a hot adult who has control over your life. Awesome, CBS News!
Blow Up Doll Shenanigans!
Let's say you're bored, you're getting drunker by the minute, and you've got a grand in sex toys lying around? "Hey, lets go shove them into businesses' mailslots!" No, that's not even a euphemism; businesses opening the next day found vibrators, blow-up dolls, and other sundries just inside their doorways. The culprits weren't particularly stealthy, either: they took pictures of themselves delivering the toys, and then uploaded them to a newspaper's website. At least they had the sense to block out their faves first. Here in the U.S., there'd probably be obscenity or hate-crime investigations, but over in the U.K. everyone was in better spirits - the article mentions no police involvement for the moment.
Tandem Boob Press!
COED magazine, conniseurs of the art of semi-nude horny photography, have identified one common move that really gets the juices flowing: The Tandem Boob Press. "Tandem Boob Press" would be an awesome name for a book publisher, but, sadly, all it is....IS THIS!
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Holy fuck, that's hot, even though there's no nipples or cunt visible. 'Sceuse me, I need to go do something in the bathroom for a couple minutes...
Relationship Ruins Porn!
Tragedy! She loved to watch porn, getting off without trouble, but then she got into a relationship. When porn and relationship crossed paths, somebody suffered. The sufferer: porn. Now, she wishes she could get back the porn enjoyment she had while single, and she only has her brain chemicals to blame. My solution? Watch porn with the boy. Those brain chemicals will reach a boiling point when the two are combined - two great tastes that taste great together!
Snipped Dicks: Better!
A landmark study in Uganda (Uganda? really?!) has found that womens' sexual experience improves when her man is circumcised. Guys, too, either found the experience unchanged - or better. Boy, those ancient peoples who started the circumcising craze weren't just doing it to make the penis look bigger: they actually had womens' orgasms in mind.
Erotic Airways!
Getting into the mile-high club can be tough; overcrowded flights, cramped bathrooms, un-helpful stewardesses - but now, if you can get yourself to Australia, you have an option for getting your wings without all the complications. Erotic Airways is back in the air again, after a economy-related hiatus, giving couples a chance to wiggle their wallaby (is that right?) up in the wild blue yonder.
Topless Nun!
Poor, poor nun: in anticipation of her vow of celibacy, a young lady frolicked with her boyfriend, resulting in nude pictures taken. Whoops - who knew the photos would end up on the internet? Of course, instead of just confessing her sins and turning the other cheek, she's suing for the photos to be removed from the internet. Think you'd like to go find that picture yourself? Don't bother trying to find any real topless nuns; there's plenty of pornstars willing to dress like nuns and show off their awesome bodies, unspoiled by celibacy or religion.
Best PG-13 Nudity!
Still having trouble convincing the video store clerk that you're over 18? Have no fear - Asylum, with Mr. Skin's help, has a list of the greatest PG-13 nude scenes ever. Now I totally have to rent "Just One of the Guys". I normally would pass over a cross-dressing comedy, but a hot-chick cross-dressing comedy with nude tits, that's a different story.
Awesome Sex Problems!
Doesn't a nymphomaniac sound awesome? Constant orgasms? Er, no, reminds Cracked, who have provided a list of awesome-sounding sexual dysfunctions that really, really suck. No, don't even try to figure out how to make it work, like putting the nymphos with the priapists: it just gets worse the more you try. Trust me, I know from experience.
Sluts Still Get Married!
Oh, this era of sexual promiscuity - 40 fucking years of it, thanks hippy sixties! - is going to completely destroy the sanctity and sacredness of marriage! Er, fuck you, prude. Despite getting and giving the milk for free, nearly everyone still gets married in their life. Sure, later than before (gotta fit in a couple years of fucking before walking down the aisle!) but, in general, everyone gets the ball-n-chain before they die. But why would anybody get married if they can sleep around? The same reason they sleep around: because they want to. You know what you had in the olden days? People had to get married before they could have sex, or once they got pregnant from the illicit sex. Yhere wasn't the same freedom to choose who to spend your life with - you were pretty much stuck with the first person to drop trou for you. Today, people can chose to, or not to, get married entirely on their own whims, without social stigma as long as you just ignore the freedom-hating Conservative assholes - A free America is an awesome America!
20 Sex Don'ts!
If you've ever needed to know what not to do, turn to Fox News: their sexpert has 20 of the worst sex faux pas, so don't do 'em. The list is woman-centered, of course, because men know everything about doing sex right as it is. Each one of her points, however, does have a correlating opposite: append each statement with "...unless that's what you're in to." Never let sex get routine...unless that's what you're in to. Never drink more than 1-2 glasses of alcohol...unless that's what you're in to. Never just lie there....unless that's what...er, that's kinda creepy in a necro way. Anyhow, for coming from Fox, the list isn't so bad, yet preys on women's idea that they must be doing something wrong.
Lenka's Come-Hither Bath
Such temptation - you can't honestly want to fuck again, this soon. Those come-hither eyes, those soft breasts, you won't...I mean, I can't get it up again that--er, whaddayaknow, the blood flow is working just fine. Hold on, let me drop these boxers, and I'll be right in:
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Green Whorehouse!
Caring for the environment is everybody's business, even the adult business. A brothel in Berlin (aren't all the awesomest brothels in Berlin?) has decided to go greener and give customers a discount if they bike to the establishment. When I'm done fucking, riding a bike would probably end disastrously, but I suspect one of two things: Berlinites are far better bicyclists than I, or this is a plan to keep customers around until their thighs are back in bike-riding shape.
Other Sex Toy Uses!
Got a bunch of sex toys lying around, and want to be more practical, like your grandma was? Put those toys to good use! 
(via)
Monroe Bra Secret!
Whaddayaknow: Marilyn Monroe's bra was magical. The structure was designed to lift and make her 36D breasts more prominent (yay!), and with such intelligence that it could only have come from the mind of a mechanical engineer. The happiest mechanical engineer in the universe.
Leather Band-Aids!
Feel that your medical supplies just aren't badass enough? Try out some all-leather band-aids, so that when you cut yourself trying to open that wine cooler, you can show people you're actually more hardcore than that. Appears to be part of some "impractically thought-provoking art project that blogs love to link to and now people will say 'hi' to me at SXSW next year", but you can still buy them at $15 for a pack. 
(Via.)
Vintage Personals!
You think those "missed connections" posts at Craigslist are desperate and creepy? Take a look at Victorian personals. Urlesque even provided some humorous (if not accurate) translations, in case you have trouble understanding 19th century sluttese.
Male Butterface?
The unthrilling term "butterface" is a condensing of the phrase "...but her face", meaning a hot body but ugly face. The Frisky wants to know, is there a male equivalent to that phrase? Well, with the recent revelation that ugly men are more fertile, the real male counterpart to "butterface" is "the father of my children".
Texas: Sexually Satisfying!
Houston and Dallas/Ft Worth show up in the top ten most sexually active and satisfying cities lists, thus putting Texas well above the rest of the United States in terms of happy fuckers. This is, of course, another Trojan-released report, which means that the respondents are generally condom-using, sexually-adventurous types. Very little comes in from the midwest: Chicago is represented, but no Minneapolis, St Louis, Denver...no Denver? Something's amiss here.
Condoms = Marxism!
Or am I thinking of Trotskyism? YourTango has a cute list of reasons that condoms are like communism. Probably the truest of them: They are not for the lazy (or selfish). Now, imagine it being said by that skinny, pale guy at the bar, with the thick black glasses frames and the sickly looking girlfriend with the knee-high wool stockings and ill-fitting sweater who's always doodling in her moleskine. Yeah, that's what this list sounds like to me. But, hey, whether its condoms or communism, trusting it a little despite the imperfections, risks, and discomfort, and everyone will be happier in the long run - just don't let it make people get all high and mighty, magnifying their self-worth and forgetting the reason for it, and we'll all be in better shape. Oh, and quell all armed rebellions before they get too far. (via)
Live Nude Comedy!
Damn, I need to start paying for Showtime: premiering Thursday, Live Nude Comedy mixes burlesque, rauncy comedy, and a little of the hot Shannon Elizabeth into a boiling cauldron of everything that I love to watch on TV. See the trailer here; Variety says it'll run for six episodes. According to the trailer link, the show is going on the road after the Showtime premiere, so I may still have a chance.
CNBC: Porn Business!
Set your VCR's everyone: this Wednesday evening, CNBC will premiere a new documentary on everyone's favorite media industry, entitled PORN: Business of Pleasure. The show seems to think that "technology" is destroying pornography, and my guess is they're referring to the internet and its instant, free nudity impacting profits, but when CNBC continually calls the video game platform a "Play Station", they might not be as technology savvy, either. One bright point: it looks like the show is not going to have any dark expose on the poor treatment of women or the spread of disease, both of which are bugaboos meant to grossify an otherwise clean industry; the website even looks like they had a hard time finding any men to talk to - it's even got a segment on how women are taking control of the industry.
Swearing = Awesome!
New studies show that swearing can help improve a bad situation. Day going badly? Fuck that shit. Someone annoy you? Go fuck yourself, asshole. Preparing to have sex? Fuck that bitch long and hard. Er, wait: maybe swearing doesn't just improve bad things, but in my experience many good things - sex, off-color jokes, funerals - can be improved by swearing as well. Maybe that's why we discourage the use of supurfluous obscenities: it risks turning the world into a utopia. A horrible, horrible utopia of bad words and unbridled happiness.
Saphire's Clean Tits!
I so rarely put up videos on here, because they're always so crappy. Saphire, here, and her huge tits make it all worth while in this case:
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Best Fetishes!
Your average teen sex flick covers the wierder, movie-friendly fetishisms but what about the less humorous, but still odd sexual obsessions? Thank Nerve for compiling a sex researcher's favorite fetishes, complete with scientific names. The peanut butter one sounds like it was made up for a movie, though; even their description doesn't sound like the participants found anything sexy about it, either. The rest, though - arousal to statues, music, giants, beards - hardly sound nasty, until you get into the true fetish aspect, which means it's about the only way for the participant to get aroused.
Movie Penis List!
I know, I can't count the number of times I've been sitting around with the guys at work, debating this question: why aren't there more naked penises in mainstream films? Salon has provided some assistance here: they've compiled a list of the best Blockbuster-rentable films for looking at a stranger's dick. Of those, Boogie Nights is the only one I've seen - Firefox is loading my Netflix queue as we speak to take care of the rest. Penis movie night, here we come! Er, bad word choice. I'd like to add to their list the excellent John Waters movie A Dirty Shame: if you're renting at Blockbuster, though, make sure to get the uncensored version. The first time we rented it, we grabbed the censored version, which includes exactly zero nudity, but is still rated R. Still an excellent movie, but the unrated version is far, far better.
Indian Porn: Terrorism!
After the Mumbai terrorism event, the Indian government passed laws allowing the national computer networks to block websites that threaten the security of their grand nation. High on the list of sites to block: Savita Bhabhi, the pornographic comic strip. There must be something in the water these days over in India (see earlier today) - but I can see where they're coming from. While the Bhabhi art is excellent, the writing is rather lacking. That's downright criminal.
Yoga: Cures Gay!
This is a landmark discovery in the world of sexual asshollery: challenging social growth which is more accepting of homosexuality in India, Swami Baba Ramdev has announced that gayness is a disease, curable by yoga. He goes on to say that this includes "pranayama (breathing exercises) and other meditation techniques", but the last time I thought of some guy named Baba Ramdev, deep breathing, and repeating "oh, god" until you reach a transcendental experience, it wasn't exactly the least gay thing I've ever seen, I'm just saying.
Orgasm: Unimportant!
Guys, you've been vindicated: a Canadian study has shown that, all things considered, an orgasm is pretty far down on the list or important sex components. We all know, us guys can't help but have an orgasm during sex, but your partner, well, don't worry about hers: the amount of erotic intimacy and physical closeness is a bit more important to her than some dumb orgasm. Oh, you're missing those, too? Well, she can count on that deep connection you - oh, that's missing as well, hm. No wonder she's not having orgasms with you, idiot: you are fucking all wrong.
Penis Tattoo: Useful!
If you've ever wondered why guys get penis tattoos, here you go: A gentleman has been cleared on indecent exposure charges, because he had a penis tattoo, the indecent penis did not. The accusers said nothing appeared different or odd about the penis that had been exposed on the train, but when Mr. Penis Dragon whipped his out for the courts (er, I bet it was more low-key than that), he showed his penis was anything but normal. So, men, run out today and get tattoos on your penises: it'll make sure you avoid various sex-offender crimes. Just remember it'll make you easier to catch if you do decide to show off your tattoo in public.
Sex Talk Chart!
If you're one of those guys who needs a chart to do anything useful, here's the one to get printed on a poster and tape to your ceiling: a venn diagram of how to talk during sex. Good: "Oh God!" Bad: "We're going to hell for this." Good: "ROAR!" Bad: "SOOOWEEEE!". The bad "Thanks" string at the top is awesome, too. Better yet, just read the bad side: for one, it helps more to know what not to say; better yet, find a girl who is turned on by that side of the chart, and you better fucking hold on to that woman forever, you'll never have crazy-ass sex like that ever again.
Medicinal Porn: OK!
The Ukraine, unaware of the "internet" which can provide pornography on everything from computers to celphones, has banned all porn unless it is medicinal. Medicinal? So, if it's used like antibiotics or morphine, it's OK so long as a doctor scribbles a prescription on paper? So, dear Ukranians, get yourself to the doctor right away: prescriptions to cure blue balls, uncontrollable fantasies, and wet dreams are in order! Being a Ukranian pharmacist has never been so much fun - calculating and measuring the dosage is the awesomest part of the day. (via)
Orgasm: Why Bother?
Does an orgasm really live up to the expectation? Not really, says Fox News, who, from watching the few minutes of that channel that I can stand before my eyes roll back in my head and I choke on my tongue, few of their anchors have ever really had one: that's why they get so orgasmic over terrorism and the failure of democracy. Oh, no, the Fox "Sexpert" doesn't say to never have them, but she wants you to realize that laughing is just as good. And being really, really excited. Or something. Ultimately, she's trying to say that "we serve ourselves well in approaching every positive experience as potentially orgasmic," so, there you go, humanity: everything is orgasmic. I may have to invest in some adult diapers: a day that orgasmic is going to leave my jeans a sticky mess in a short amount of time. Believe me, I know from experience.
Porn Makes The Man?
Lemondrop took a look at what men watch in porn, and figured out it's not what he wants to do, but what turns him on. Porn is the distilled id of men's arousal: you wonder why movies have moved from stories to a MTV-like cacophony of sexual positions and cumshots? That's why. It doesn't make porn more enjoyable; it makes it more masturbatorial. So, while men might not want to emulate it, that porn can be further distilled into examples of what he wants: the ingenue, to be in control, to be a voyeur, to be gay...well, that last one may be the only one that breaks a relationship, but the rest are cues for being the hottest lover ever. So, ladies, start watching your guy's porn, and take notes: hell, just watching your guy's porn might be the hottest thing ever for him, so it's a win-win no matter how you cut it.
Staglist!
Now that Craigslist has bowed to pressure to remove / alter their "adult services" categories, a new market has opened up: Stagslist hopes to fill that void, continuing to promote the spread of self-loathing and gonorrhea between strangers now that Craigslist has lost their foothold in the genre. According to their press release, as seen on SexSF, they're more disappointed with Craigslist's changes than coming up with anything new, but, well, as long as they make it easy and cheap, it's going to get used a lot. As of noon today, their site still said, "official launch this Thursday, July 9th", which is now.
Porn Screenwriting?
Think your erotic writing is up to snuff? Porn screenwriting isn't for you: porn screenwriters only write the non-porn stuff, for the most part, and get paid crap. They have less to write than a regular feature film, about the same as a TV sitcom, so there's no super porn screenwriters guild full of well-paid and respected authors. The worry is, now that porn is shrinking into downloadable chunk-sized bits, who even bothers hiring a screenwriter? Soon, the regular screenwriting business is going to be flooded with talented writers fill the scripts with naughty innuendo, but stop when the story gets good and says, "the director will fill in from here." If you've seen the new Transformers movie, you'll understand that things are already underway.
Talent!
Ah, Chicago's very own WGN has done well to emphasize their journalistic integrity. Their invited guest came on to discuss Afghan insurgency, illegal immigration, and the housing bubble, but the only clip that made it online was the talent component of the show, in which the Hooter's Girl rode a stool like a juke-joint bull machine while pouring a pitcher of beer. "Kids get free wings on Tuesdays" is the only remotely newsworthy part of the segment, but, well, kids aren't the ones getting anything from the news, so to speak.
Twitter = Sluts!
Ever wanted demographic information on social media users? Turns out, your assumptions are correct: MySpace users are lazy and fat, LinkedIn is for middle-aged moms, and Facebook is lame because everyone's using it. Oh, and Twitter users are more interested in sex than the average social media user. Who has time to write anything substantial when you're fucking anything that moves?
Don't Count!
Apparently, you don't have to count everyone you've had sex with, according to The Frisky. Leave out incomplete sessions, times you were too drunk to know what happened, or if you just regret it more than all the others you regret. Didn't happen! Women who read the Frisky: if you have so much sex that you're worried about which ones you can exclude, you're a bit on the slutty side. Nothing wrong with that: but if you're like me, you count every damn one of them in order to have even a slightly respectable number. I would totally turn my grandma in to the cops for her pot farm if I could have a handful of sexual experiences that I could conveniently forget when asked about my sexual history.
Emily's Panty Bath
Emily, Emily, Emily: how many times do I have to tell you: we wash the panties separately; there's no need to wear them into the bath. Here, let me tuck my thumbs under the waistband and slip them down over your slippery, soapy thighs so I can properly wash those parts that had been covered:
More from this gallery >>
Gold Cars!
Who ever said the rich were impractical? I mean, these cars are gold-plated because...um...of the low electrical conductivity of gold? Its malleability and ductile properties? Or just to say, "hey, baby, my car is so impractical that I dare not park it within arm's reach of any other living human."
Hot Chicks Eating!
New, from the minds of Carl's Jr: Hot Chicks Eating Burgers. Dear god, when you distill hamburger marketing down to its bare essentials, it gets even better. I mean, check out the maid one: french dip, french maid, and a sadness behind her eyes that nobody can love away. Bonus points: I learned of this ad campaign from Diane Sawyer, who devoted more time to these videos than, well, these videos. Aside from the new Hot Chicks campaign, every other ad they reference has been seen here, too. I fear Sawyer is reading my blog for segment ideas. Curse you Diane Sawyer!
Bodypaint Stewardesses!
Airlines are always trying to find ways to get passengers to watch those boring safety movies, but Air New Zealand has figured out a way to keep their attention. A new safety movie for the airline includes stewardesses and pilots completely in bodypaint. Honestly, you'll spend the whole video just trying to catch a glimpse of the cute brunette, and that down-under accent doesn't hurt, either. This is in conjuction with an advertising campaign, all of which includes real AirNZ employees in nothing but bodypaint.
Scout Walker Sex!
Technically, they're called "AT-STs", and colloquially as the "chicken walker" before they really got a name in the Star Wars universe, but one website has decided that these large Star Wars mecha need to get laid, too. Dear god, they have wallpaper versions of their dirty, dirty Kenner sex. Apparently, it's from 2002, and I've been to the site before, so there are things on the internet I've never seen. Anyhow, now you'll never look at that scene in ROTJ where Chewie pops out of the scout walker's hatch in the same way again.
Gym Teacher Hooker!
So, this hot gym teacher starts work as a prostitute. Business picks up, so the educator decides to make some money on the side and open a brothel. First step is to recruit his wife to help with the business. Wait, um...what? A husband and wife team have been arrested for operating a brothel, and both are cited for having sex for money. Sadly, he's now lost his job over this (which shouldn't have surprised him), but - even worse - the wife is out on bail, while he is still in custody.
Porn: Too Much!
Japan, long admired for having a higher quality cellphone system than here in the U.S., is running into a little problem: Customers are downloading pornography in such quantities that it is bringing the cellular network to a standstill. On one hand, Ha ha, your phone network isn't as awesome as you thought! On the other hand: you can get that much porn on the phone network? Fuck, that is more awesome than I thought.
Thanks, Parasites!
And you thought sex was some God-given pleasure to make humans happy. Pfsh, that's stupid. Sex is because we'd die from all the parasites, according to a new study. Asexual clones remain tasty and appealing to parasites who've already figured out their defenses. Sexual reproduction, however, continually makes unpalatable, hard-to-crack creatures. Sounds like everyone at the bar last night, amirite? Anyhow, it helps explain the reason the more-expensive sexual reproduction gets preference: after a while, the parasites take over otherwise.
Hooker Grave: Slutty!
Over in Germany, where being a well-known prostitute isn't a bad thing, the authorities are up in arms because one so-called famous hooker's grave is too slutty for pubilc consumption. The photo in the article isn't it (although it's not hard on the eyes): the original gravestone design was "a gravestone featuring two ample pink marble boulders in homage to her famously top-heavy figure..." So, one more rule for my notebook: graveyard tits are too slutty.
Girls In Seat Belts!
There's a fetish for everybody, including people obsessed with how hot passenger safety is. Jalopink has a gallery of seat belt fetish pictures, which has more to do with huge breasts bound by nylon straps, but more accessible than the average BDSM. But, hell: big tits? Count me in, anyways.
Sex: Completely Unknown!
The human race is still completely in the dark ages: nobody knows what sex is. Records indicate that thousands of years have passed since any human has experienced sex, and even that is believed to be an accident. Even going to the dictionary definition of sex is no help, because its vague, inspecific definition means nobody could possibly be doing something that fully fits that bill. Come on, now, CBS: bending the definition is a time-honored condition of being an dick - you weren't speeding, you were only going 5 over; you weren't bribed, they just hired you as a consultant; you weren't having an affair, the tranny blowjobs just happened; and so on and so forth. When having sex is a bad thing, the abstinence-only kids have anal and nonpenetrative...petting?...that still spreads disease, Republicans can stand behind family values because, hey, their line-crossing doesn't cross lines because the definition is different for them, and Good Christians can still have abortions because, by definition, they're a Good Christian, it's those whores who are going to hell. It's nice that a guy writing behind an alias can be all high-and-fucking-mighty about honesty and truth, but nobody said I'm not one of those rule-bending dicks. Problem is, when you're called on your definition-bending dickery, don't push yourself into assholedom by denying it.
Michael Jackson Body Paint!
Artist Anubis Vrussh put his talents to a classical use: painting the King of Pop on a purple-painted naked woman's belly. The photos, however, paint a different picture: that doesn't look so much like Michael Jackson as...Hugh Jackman?
