Posts Tagged 'Relationship'

Regret = bad!

Oh no! Teens regret their sexual experiences! Get the President on the phone - something must be done! Heaven forbid we allow children to make regrettable mistakes. All children need to - at every turn - feel like their decisions are the absolute best decision they could make at that time. I think I know what you're trying to tell us, Moral Conservatives: we need to teach kids that every sexual experience is something to be proud of. Get fucked by whatever guy sits down next to you at the party - there's no regrets, babe! We don't want you feeling bad about yourself. Do these people not remember their own childhood? Or maybe they remember it too well, and think their poor decisions somehow make them a bad person - don't let your kids be the horrible person you have become! The stuff we regret is the stuff that makes us a better person: it is a learning experience. It's like that bullshit about "women regret their abortions": wait, someone makes a tough decision that doesn't result all sunshine and roses, so it must have been the wrong decision? What fucking utopian cartoon Eden are you living in? I regret having to put my crazy, bitey dog down, but sometimes it just has to be done. I've fucked women and been pissed at myself later - whether the next morning or after sticking around in the relationship beyond its age - but each one of them has shaped the kind of guy I am today. What makes you a person is how you live with your regret, and turn it into something virtuous. This is the most telling, about both the sex and the abortions: "They sometimes say afterward - because often at the time they say they enjoyed it - but afterward it's unwanted. There's something about the culture, about the drinking and peer pressure." You got what you wanted, but the regret is a fucking shield from criticism. No, I did it, I enjoyed it, but you can't call me a slut because I regret it. I got pregnant, got an abortion, but I pray to God I never have to do it again. Bullshit on all sides: own your fucking actions.

Porn Makes The Man?

Lemondrop took a look at what men watch in porn, and figured out it's not what he wants to do, but what turns him on. Porn is the distilled id of men's arousal: you wonder why movies have moved from stories to a MTV-like cacophony of sexual positions and cumshots? That's why. It doesn't make porn more enjoyable; it makes it more masturbatorial. So, while men might not want to emulate it, that porn can be further distilled into examples of what he wants: the ingenue, to be in control, to be a voyeur, to be gay...well, that last one may be the only one that breaks a relationship, but the rest are cues for being the hottest lover ever. So, ladies, start watching your guy's porn, and take notes: hell, just watching your guy's porn might be the hottest thing ever for him, so it's a win-win no matter how you cut it.

Don't Count!

Apparently, you don't have to count everyone you've had sex with, according to The Frisky. Leave out incomplete sessions, times you were too drunk to know what happened, or if you just regret it more than all the others you regret. Didn't happen! Women who read the Frisky: if you have so much sex that you're worried about which ones you can exclude, you're a bit on the slutty side. Nothing wrong with that: but if you're like me, you count every damn one of them in order to have even a slightly respectable number. I would totally turn my grandma in to the cops for her pot farm if I could have a handful of sexual experiences that I could conveniently forget when asked about my sexual history.

Porn Star: No Wedding!

Let's say, you've found a nice, friendly, attractive man, who cares for you and - bonus! - he's awesome in bed. He says he's a personal trainer, but...well, here's a reason to avoid bachelorette parties: during the porn-research part of bachelorette preparations, somebody noticed that the sexy, loving fiancee was, in fact, a porn star. So, now the wedding is off; the article doesn't say exactly if it's because of the porny nature, or the lying, but I'd say the latter is the bigger deal. It could certainly have been a deal-breaker early on, but wouldn't you rather have it happen then than days before your wedding? On the other hand, in today's example of hyperbole: Haylie said: "I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again." . Yes, Ms. Haylie, you need to be completely on your guard, because the next man you meet might not tell you the complete truth about his life right away. The horror!

Women: Confusing Signals!

Here you go, ladies, definitive proof that you're doing it wrong - men appreciate direct pick-up lines, because you're always sending fuzzy 'positive' feedback, making it difficult for a guy to tell the difference between polite friendliness and actual interest. We're not freakin' mind readers! Note that crude humor ranks low to everybody; your pick-up line about a blowjob in the bathroom might make your friends laugh, but, er, it doesn't satisfy anybody's dreams of relationships.

Intelligence = Orgasms!

It's not book intelligence, though, so we're sorry, Daily Mail illustration of a woman wearing glasses (we all know glasses on a woman means a degree in something requiring math), this story isn't really about you. Women with a higher "emotional intelligence" tend to enjoy sex more and orgasm better than women whose emotional intelligence is stunted. The study examined the sexual practice of 2,000 female twins - which is the best fucking job ever - and found that the emotionally smarter of the two had better sex; I'd wager that means the sluttier of the two had more emotional intelligence, which gives the sluts one-up on their brainy counterpart. I can actually vouch for that: my history bucks the odds, and I've had three partners who were the nerdy half of a pair of twins. I - oh, what? No, I was just bragging, I don't know anything about their emotional intelligence.

Sex Problems, By Fox News

Fox News' Sexpert wants to let you know, if your partner isn't interested in having sex with you, it's because you're not pretty enough, you're not adventurous enough, and you ignore their fantasies all day long. Those are the things you need to change in order to get laid, although, in my opinion, the biggest reason for people to avoid having sex with you is that you listen to fucking Fox News. Even their generic "rephrased from a The Frisky artice" sex advice has the sick stench of conservativism that makes dicks shrivel.

Overrated Sex Spots!

Marie Claire has decided to tell you that sex in weird places is overrated - the only one I really take offense to is calling shower sex overrated. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've got a thing for soapy tits, so I cry 'heresy!' and notify the inquisitors about this writer. Safety and comfort are overruling factors during sex? Don Juan didn't stop to think, "ow, my back" while fathering 90% of Portugal, did he? No, I don't think he did.

Funny = Sexy!

Guys, buy that lewd knock-knock joke book you've been looking at: women believe that men who have a sense of humor are sexier, which is why I'm no longer allowed to tell jokes at the front desk at work anymore. We've had to fire too many secretaries for lusting after my funny ass. Including my mom.

Ironic Intercourse!

What is the irony of intercourse? That neither side might be doing it right, while pretending to do it for the other one's sake. Solution: tell the other side what the fuck you want. Instead, each side will be fucking according to the stereotype of what they think you want, and is that any fun? Of course not.

Marriage, Kids, and Filthy Sex!

Either it's the title of the worst porno ever, or somebody has forgotten the main reason people get married. Surprise: the people who were supposed to wait until marriage to have sex, are having sex while married. The trick hasn't worked: celibate priests have long known that marriage stops the sex drive, so by forcing people to not have sex until marriage, then living a sexless married life, would make the rest of the world as miserable as a celibate priest. Except for those sex-crazed atheists; they fuck like bunnies, don't you know. But, it turns out, married people will have sex anyway, even if their own children are in the house. Those pervs.

BDSM: Good for Couples!

It sure is a good thing the U.K., and many U.S. localities, outlaw BDSM - it's good for couples and brings them closer together, by sharing their intimate fetish in a safe and loving environment. Don't they realize that controlling society through guilt and artificial morality is the only way people will be happy? What's the world coming to - next thing we'll find out is that people have sex just because it's fun.

Porn Billed To Government!

The husband of a UK politician bought some pay-per-view, which was then expensed as part of the TV bill on his wife's expense report. The outrage? There were two porn movies on the bill - gadzooks! wants to know, would you forgive your man for watching porn? Because, you know, the impropriety of charging personal expenses to your employer, especially in government where employee expenses are heavily scruitinized, absolutely pales in comparison to the idea that a husband would have the audacity to buy pay-per-view porn. She is obviously more pissed about porn that the possibility of losing her job because her dumb husband used the wrong account. A woman needs to have priorities, you know.

Porn: Not Bad!

Dr. Gail Saltz has her head on straight - Q: "Is porn bad?" A: "No, not unless you're doing it wrong." This sort of level-headedness doesn't belong in the media, Ms. Saltz - I want to know who gave you your credentials! She gives a few main harms that come from pornography, and they all have to do with guys being assholes. So, guys, if you want to keep your porn, stop being an asshole about it. Don't tell your woman her tits are too small, don't choose porn over your gal, don't expect bedroom gymnastics, and, for fuck's sake, don't post her nude pictures to MySpace, you dick. Dr. Gail Saltz with fucking come down there and kick your stupid ass.

Wanking: OK Sex!

As I've said before, why skip a pot-pie lunch when you know there's steak for dinner? Masturbation isn't a problem in a healthy relationship says Dr. Gail Saltz of the Today show - well, a healthy relationship can't be harmed by jacking off, but it ain't going to help an already-damaged relationship. So, if somebody thinks wanking is a problem, figure out why first, solve that, then diddle yourself until you're raw.

Learn From Porn!

Examiner writer Kelvin Lynch has taken a bullet for all of us: he has watched an enormous amount of porn - so we don't have to - and documented the 26 most important things he learned from the experience. The one that gives me the most optimism: Young beautiful women enjoy having sex with ugly, out-of-shape, balding, middle-aged men with pony tails. Hell yeah, 'porn star' is a career for more people than we thought!