The modern toothbrush was patented in 1857 - you know how I know this? I watched this educational video featuring Stella Maxwell and Dennis Klaffert getting all up in her oral hygiene. Nothing beats a good tooth-brushing by a guy with tattoos all over his knuckles.

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Esquire has the man's guide to improving sex through diet and exercise. It's actually more thorough than the "sexercise" regimens that emphasize sexiness over sexual-improvement, but what do I know, I've got a beer belly. Esquire's plan emphasizes testosterone and flexibility, which are certainly useful points. What I don't get is why they thought Mr. American Psycho would be a good illustration for this article. Here's who I pick whenever I want a sexy picture of exercise:

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Sure, women get the kGoal, but what about guys?

Never fear: UK sex-toy company Bondara is developing the SexFit, a cockring that not only vibrates during sex like an average run-of-the-mill cockring, but also has sensors to analyze movement like a FitBit.

Guys, was it two or three thrusts before you came? Who remembers! Your SexFit will, updating the online app so you can share with your friends and compare data. OK, maybe it's not as productive as a FitBit, but it will analyze your thrusting technique and alter its vibrations to sync, which might actually be useful.

Plus, I'm hoping it's Bluetooth compatible, so I can set it as my 'silent ringer'. brmmmmmmmmm "Excuse me, I need to take a call."

Sadly, it's still in development and not available to the public.

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Why? Why the fuck not, says the Russians. 306 Creative Communication has figured out that, as a communication professional, breasts are a prime motivator in viral media. So, they have made lifting weights that look like boobs. Carry on!

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It's official: lovemaking adds years to your life. Having sex regularly makes you look five to seven years younger, which makes self-conscious thirtysomethings feel better about those gray hairs and little wrinkles. What they don't realize is you have to keep it going, and if they're uncomfortable with old people sex then they'll creep themselves out. There's nothing wrong with old people sex; it's no wonder people are living longer, what with the added access to condoms, viagra, and dildos. It's almost like the sexual revolution caused old people, and it's downright glorious.

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Hey, everyone - it turns out that breast massage may help prevent cancer. Which reminds me of something I helped Gracie make at Sex~Kitten many, many years ago - how to give awesome breast massages. You're welcome.

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I can't fucking watch TV without some commercial telling me that I need to take their medication otherwise I'm going to die a painful death. You know what else helps prevent a painful death? FUCKING. According to recent studies, sexual intercourse improves blood pressure, reduces heart disease, improves mood, expands vocabulary, alters the fabric of space and time, gives people the power of telepathy, and ensures prompt service at Burger King. I didn't read the whole article, I'm just making assumptions on some of those things. Still, for all the "sex kills, use a condom", keep in mind: having sex isn't just dodging a bullet, it's good for you, god damn it.

Two studies show that lots of people have vibrators, half of women use them regularly, and they're good for sexual health. Yes, that includes guys, who've used them on their partners, but their use reflects a greater interest in their own sexual health as a results. The study didn't show that vibrators themselves caused health, but that people who gave a shit about their health tended to thus pay more attention to their genitals than they otherwise would. So, ladies, if you haven't got a vibrator yet, you best do so: I can guarantee it'll be better for you in the long run, and you'll definitely use it more than the treadmill that's busy holding up last winter's Christmas decorations and a box of sweaters.

"I suppose it's funny to talk about...But it's not funny when it happens to you," is a news quote that applies to nearly every sex story. In this case, however, it talks about Priapism, that surgeon's general warning on Viagra about the perils of a 4-hour erection. The good news is that the doctors interviewed have never had a patient actually come in with an engorged cock due to erectile drugs, but the problem can be caused by a number of other physical problems, and could cause penis damage. So, stop worrying, pill-popping grandpa penis: an excessive erection is the least of the problems Viagara can cause for you - it's just the funniest one.

NOOOOOOOO! Red meat, high-fat dairy, and other awesome foods might be making your sperm as lethargic as you are after a big steak dinner, you fat fuck. "We saw that, among the couples with fertility problems coming to the clinic, the men with good semen quality ate more vegetables and fruit than those men with low seminal quality," says one fertility doctor, so if you don't want inverior sperm, guys, make sure you nibble those melons: she'll love it.

What does a successful diet, careful exercise planning, and a concern about her appearance and well-being get a cougar? Hot sex, that's who. The article, which pulls from a Newsweek article on such efforts for women to continue feeling and looking as young as they did twenty years before, seems to stretch the term 'cougar' to mean any sex-loving over-the-hill woman, rather than one who pursues younger men. Although, that may be a given: the alternative corollary is that a 50-something woman can still have hot sex if she takes care of herself...but all that dieting and exercise can't prevent the sweaty, wheezy, limp sex her 50-something fatass partner provides.

Hey, guys, it's not your fault! Premature ejaculation may be genetic, thus the insta-spurt as soon as you get your dick into a woman can't be your fault. Previously, it was seen as psychological, but now it may be heavily ingrained into a man's genes. Now, if only they'll find the source of the "aren't you done yet?!?" that I'm always getting asked.

Got low testosterone levels? Sure, there's all kinds of medications and pills that could be used to help your deficiency, but if you want a big jump in testosterone levels, there's an easy way: According to Newsweek, you should watch lots of porn. While the testosterone-boosting pills have side effects, these are more manageable: partakers of the Pornophyx Testosterone Replacement therapy may experience such side effects as: chafing, couchpotatoitis, unreasonable expectations of women, and a sinking feeling that you're watching too much porn. That last one: ignore it! You're boosting your flagging testosterone, Mr. 42-Year-Old Married Guy! Once your wife understands that, she'll stop bugging you about those strange overseas credit card payments. It's in your health's best interest.

Yeah, you've stopped eating ham sandwiches and sleeping next to your Miss Piggy stuffed animal (who doesn't?) out of fear of catching the swine's flu, but you're not the one who should be worried: the high-density, high-volume swine farms in the U.S. could get hit hard if somebody coughs on their pigs. Wait - pigs can catch swine flu too? Yeah, right Lisa. They must be some wonderful, magical animal.

U.S. News and World Reports is the ideal source for sex advice, at least amongst most celibate accountants I know (of which there are many), but they did the right thing and got Dr Ruth to pull together five points on how to improve sex lives. In short, Cosmo sucks, orgasms are fleeting, you're responsible for having fun, wine is better than beer, and the afterglow is worth it. And not one reference to international think-tanks or armed insurgents.

According to a new study, masturbation helps nasal congestion. Yes, it was released on April 1st, but the journal references aren't April Fool's related, so it's just a wacky coincidence that such a weird story would come out on a day when weird stories are usually ignored. That may be why this amazing solution to so much discomfort would be ignored: scientists, from now on, avoid the "masturbation cures X" stories until later in the year; people won't believe you!

According to the Sun, who is never prone to exaggeration, the casual relationship (they can see other people) between sex and health can stop colds, prevent heart attacks and cure freakin' diabetes. Other studies have shown that having sex prevents foot fungus, helps you pass your driver's license test, can make you taller, and allows certain people to travel through time. Sex is FUCKING AWESOME.

Dr. Malcolm Lloyd of Johns Hopkins has some amazing news: one to two drinks a day makes you live longer - and happier, I presume - than teetotallers. Now let's see my boss complain about the Natty Light in my lunchbox today! If course, he warns that health benefits careen out of control when you get much more than casual drinking (remember, 4 or 5 is considered 'binge drinking'), so the six-pack you finished off during American Idol last week isn't going to help you live to a hundred, you loser. (via)

Holy crap, nobody expected this! An Italian group studied a penis enlarger, which used "dynamic rods", for a year, and found that floppy penises are actually longer after usage, without affecting erection ability. They even say that erect length is improved, but they don't say how much, which is what everyone really wants to know. It's probably to protect the delicate sensibilities of the Italian men studied, whose post-extension penis size is still smaller than mine. Sorry, Italy!

Sex has health benefits! Yes, I know, I post something like this every couple weeks, but it needs to be reminded, over and over - there's far more articles online about how people are doing sex wrong, so we all need to remember how to do it right. So, grab somebody you care about, get naked, burn some calories and release some immunoglobulin A - it's good for you!