If you're like me, you're figuring out what to do with the long winter stretch from January to March when it's all cold and snowy and you just want to go look at artistic representations of penises for a while. CNN has it all planned out for you, a world-wide tour of the sexiest museums you could possibly find. I've already mentioned some here, but never a whole list of them. Reserve your plane tickets now!

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The Mission District of San Francisco is seeing gentrification, which touches everywhere - including the porn stores. Mission Secrets is the new name for the porn store on Mission St in San Francisco, up from "Mission News", which made it sound like a newsstand, but with more penises. The transition to Mission Secrets is to make the shop seem less sleazy and gross, and more like a boutique people can appreciate. This is definitely a good move, although according to the article linked above, they made the outside look pretty without evicting the creepy locals first. The first step really should be getting Google employees and hipsters to masturbate in the peepshow rooms, then do improvements that increase property value.

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The Irish swinger's club I-Kandi put an ad in the 'help wanted' section, hoping to bring on one part-timer. A hundred applications later, they're overwhelmed with who to hire. Either Limerick is just the hub for the sex-club industry, like putting a 'web developer' ad up in Silicon Valley, or it just sounds like the best job since the 'jizz mopper' position opened up at the nudie movie theater." Yes, 'cleaning' is one of the duties, but the rest sound very managerial in nature, so opposed to flipping burgers it's probably a step up for Limerickians.

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The Erotic Heritage Museum in Las Vegas opened in 2008, but in February it closed its doors after a tumultuous run and several months of unpaid rent. The museum is reopening, for-profit and under new management, but without nearly as many exhibits because the parts that belonged to the former museum-runner have been removed. The website still shows 'closed', but the grand opening is planned for June 7.

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"Enjoy our humorous sexual theme park" is my most effective pickup line, and by coincidence it's also the headline for the Jeju Loveland theme part website. The park is in South Korea - not North Korea, which is what I originally thought I read, which really confused me - and depicts a variety of sexually-positive imagry for the park visitors. Apparently, the island is a traditional "honeymoon destination", and the prudish Koreans have needed some 'education' to know what to do with their wedding night. I'm sure internet porn has replaced this function across most societies, but Loveland seems to be doing OK despite.

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The Service Employees International Union handles all sorts of jobs: healthcare workers, government employees, strippers, janitors, and--well, yeah, strippers, but more particularly the Lucky Lady in San Francisco, the only unionized strippers in the U.S.. Then, in 2003, it became a worker-owned communistic utopia -- but, sadly, it closed this past weekend, leaving the nude-girl market to the flashy and sleazy stripclubs of the modern day.

The Shimmy Club in Glasgow, Scotland, has decided to install two-way mirrors in the girls' bathroom, because, why the fuck not? There's nothing sexier than women doing gross things when they think they're not being watched. Sure beats hanging out in an outhouse pit I guess. Me, I'd rather, you know, not watch a girl I've never met pee, and then try to have a conversation later. Usually that's done in reverse order, after being in a relationship for a while.

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The People's Daily, the best propaganda that China can produce, is building a new office building that might actually be Mechagodzilla's penis. But wait, you say, doesn't Mechagodzilla live in Japan? The article says it's still under construction, and everything is manufactured in China these days, you know. People should be worried less that the newspaper building looks like a giant penis, but that it actually IS the giant penis of an even larger robot buried under the ground around the construction site. They don't call building a building an "erection" for nothing.

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As if you really needed to hire a geek prostitute, you could always go to the Alien Cathouse in Nevada. Marvel at their 1997-era graphics! Amaze at their purple blow-up dolls and heavily-tattooed sex workers! Actually, that last one sounds pretty awesome. I'm not entirely sure what the 'alien experience' is there, the website makes it look sorta like a nice, clean brothel (which is a plus, of course), but I'd like to see more 'alien' in their entertainment selections.

In Japan they love their robots, they love boobs, and they love seizure-producing flashing lights - so of course they turned it into a restaurant that is the AWESOMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD. You may have seen it elsewhere last fall, where pretty much all they talked about were the giant fembots, but look at the restaurant's official video. First, dinosaurs run out, then get beat up by robots. Then the robots get beat up by a bikini girl swinging Thor's hammer and using Captain America's shield. Then two cave girls riding a glyptodon fight the robots. Then the robots fight some pandas. Then Albert Einstein starts the chrome robot dance party. Then Bumblebee from Transformers shows up for some reason. Then more dance party robots until the giant lady robots show up. It's like somebody let an ADD 13-year-old boy write up the restaurant's business plan, and it turned out better than anyone expected.

The Dumas has been struggling for years, having trouble paying taxes and fighting the crumbling caused by age that has put the building's structure at risk. Rudy had tried many times in the past to find backers or buyers, and has finally found somebody to buy it. Two local guys paid the back taxes and are going to restore the icon of American brothels. Hopefully they aren't just falling into the same trap as Rudy - too many good intentions, not enough cash - but here's to their good fortune; it would be sad to see the Dumas disappear.

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As if most hotels aren't also fuck-hotels, this one takes their position as a love grotto quite seriously. The Venus Garden provides toys, environments, and even instruction on how to get your fuck on. Oh, no, don't get all orgyish about it - it's about love, not just sex. Those crafty Swedish, making hotel sex something pure and wholesome.

Disinfo has plotted out average penis size numbers on a map, so that we northern-Europeans can feel bad that we weren't born in more Equatorial climates. It seems that the tropical regions grow everything bigger, including cocks. Well, except for the further east you go; sorry Asian countries. The color ranges are calculated in centimeters, with the top maxing out at about seven inches, and I'm already over the top, so no worries here. Motherfucking averages, how do they work? They work in my goddamned favor, thank you very much. Via.

Got $70,000 lying around and looking for a remote hideaway? The Unabomber's 'hideout' is on the market. Located in oh-so-very rural Montana, the ramhackle home is now a museum, so you'll have to bring along a camper or tent or something to sit in while writing your confusing screeds against modern society. Don't worry about if the septic system is up to code or if there's lead pipes that need replacing: it's got no running water, no roads, no nothing -- it's a fucking Gilligan's Island, but with less ocean and more mailbombs. So, more like Gilligan's Planet.

Edison, NJ, the place last year's eXXXotica show moved to when Secaucus told them to leave, tried to pass an ordinance restricting adult businesses within a quarter mile of churches, schools, etc. Thankfully, somebody owned a tape measure, and determined that eXXXotica's venue wasn't within the restricted distance, so the sale of dildos is planned to continue unabated. Festivities start today.

Uniontown, Alabama is host this weekend of their annual "footwash" (some history), originally a small religious event, which has developed into a large hedonistic festival requiring intervention by state troopers. A religious event that has gotten more naughty over time? I like the sound of that - festivals that go the other direction are the suck. Even better: the even is big enough to require state troopers, but there's only like twenty pictures on Flickr, it doesn't have its own website, and most discussion is from people who want to go: apparently what happens at Footwash stays at Footwash. Unless, of course, the media wants to talk to you, then you tell about the sex act you saw, how you got robbed, but how you're totally planning on bringing your grandkids to share in the fun. Sounds like a grand 'ol time!

Last Friday, Palo Alto, CA, has done something so many other cities with they could claim: hosted the first National Single Cougars Convention. It's hard enough to find a Cougar these days, let alone a single one (makes you wonder why they added that qualifier to the title, hm?), so it was awfully kind of somebody to put them all in one room together for twenty-somethings to paw at and eventually get a no-strings-attached cougar-fuck upstairs in her hotel room. Sorry, guys: the only way this works is because those women have a cute name, as a whole: your "thirty-something pudgy single unemployed guy" convention is actually called "I hate that bar, it's full of assholes" by the general public.