Naughty Pirelli Calendar '09
Pirelli, maker of fine automotive tires, has thrown their entry in to a dying breed: the naughty auto-parts calendar: 
The style is very 1980s - this calendar makes me want to do some coke and turn the Duran Duran way up. [via]
Women: Quick Sex OK!
According to a very scientific report, Metro talked to several people who were willing to discuss sexual intercourse with a stranger (who doesn't?), and got some hard-hitting facts about whether intercourse is better than foreplay (see also). Results of Metro's survey? Nobody knows shit about what all women want, and the 23-year-old Alice is a "buy her dinner and bang her in the back of the taxi" kind of girl.
Sex: Cheer-Worthy
When you get drunk at a sporting event and hook up with a woman, discretion is wise, otherwise a group of well-wishers may cheer you on. Well, until security arrives, who brings in the police, who then make sure that you're done with your public sexual encounter. The first couple parts were OK, but it won't end well.
Wet T-Shirt In The Bath
Sadly, this epidemic is becoming epic: women bathing without removing their clothes. This poor young lady has, sadly, attempted to take a lovely bubble bath, but her thin white t-shirt has gotten all wet. I think this requires a significant amount of study, and I volunteer for the job:
Found: One Piano, Bench
Someone unfamiliar with the concept of a "Walkman" apparently tried to take a piano concerto with for a walk in the woods. Sadly, they only got the piano so far before abandoning it. Police, of course, making the best use of their time, have made this a priority case because there appears to have been a rash of piano thefts in the area.
Most Offensive Games
Start your Christmas list with these: the National Institute on the Media and the Family's worst videogames to watch out for. From what I saw they fail to directly acknowledge the fact that videogames are made for people of all ages, and that collge-aged guys (fans of blood, gore, and sex) are a huge taget audience. I'm going to help the parental fear-mongering by releasing my 2008 Report of Magazines, laden with pictures of children reading and smiling, with a top ten list of magazines to avoid starting with Playboy, Fangoria, and Hustler. It'll be a valuable service because, for crying out loud, you can't expect a parent to look at the cover or do a little checking before buying their kids somet! hing as a gift. I know, Left4Dead's "puppies and unicorns" cover really misleads consumers, but they're an anomaly.
Teens: Sex Addicts!
Deat god, it's a fucking epidemic! Our teens, normally docile, abstinent creatures, are being diagnosed as sex addicts like never before, and they don't even know it. If they are unable to mate with another of their species, they are resorting to copious masturbation. This is far worse than we had ever expected. It's a good thing our communities and teachers are discouraging them from safe sex practices or giving teens easy access to birth- and disease-control, because this has never been a problem before, so the only solution is to continue to preach abstinence, because that's always worked well. You'd think a kid who is constantly told their sexual urges are wrong and ! a sin wouldn't turn to medical diagnosis of a disease, but, well, what're you going to do? I mean, aside from masturbate while crying.
Nude: Art!
Is a nude art? Just listen to this guy, who writes on the subject of the sensuality of nude art that I...er...you could masturbate to it. If you're in to that thing, I dunno, I mean, if you think so. Or something.
Sweden: Swinger's Paradise
When one lists the things Sweden is known for, you have swedish meatballs, chefs, and seasonal affective disorder, but all three of those are cured by Sweden's biggest hobby: swinging. The writer for a Swedish women's magazine, however, says swinging isn't the "new stamp-collecting", which, thank God, it should never be compared to. Have you seen stamp collectors? No, there's a big gulf there that not even hot blonde Swedish babes can cross.
Nudists vs. Swingers
Can't they all get along? Nudist colonies get a bad rap for being called perverted, but they generally aren't...although that hasn't stopped the perverts from getting in on the fun and doing their best to crash nude beaches for their own shenanigans. A French nudist colony has apparently gone guerilla, and their neighborhood 'wife-swapping' abodes have mysteriously gone up in flames. The wife-swappers are apparently of the mistaken idea that people who are nude are willing to have multiple sex partners, while the nudists are mistaken that the swingers enjoy indoor campfires.
I'm Lovin' Nude Photos!
A pair of young lovers thought they'd be naughty and take nude photos of themselves. Mistake #1: using their cameraphone. #2: Taking the phone to McDonalds. #3: Leaving the phone there, where someone could find it and upload the pictures to the internet. Oh, wait - according to the couple's lawsuit, #2 and #3 are Mcdonald's fault! Because, you know, when you lose something that shouldn't have been taken out in public, it's always somebody else's fault. Sure, McDonald's could have found the phone and delivered it intact, but it's not their legal obligation to do so. Stupidity runs deep with those two.
Hen's Night: SO HOT
New Zealand has something called "Hen's Night" for new brides, which is essentially a bachelor party for the ladies. Here in the US, where a 'bachelorette party' involves feeding the "I'm The Queen" sentiment that gets women into $50,000 weddings in the first place, playing 'dress up' but with real hairstylists, expensive clothes, and champagne. Down Under, however, women get all slutty, just like the guys do, by going to strip clubs and getting completely wasted. However, unlike the guys, nobody's dicouraging overt public sexual behavior, because it's women, and that's hot. "My lot have already done the titties out the window," said a bus driver who's often accosted by these women. Best. Job. Ever. !
WHA?! Hookers were once kids?!
A Disney-owned company has actually gone the reverse route of most of their cute young women by starting with the salacious sex stuff, then going to the tasteful photos. Much to everybody's shock and horror, ABC News has discovered disturbing evidence that Spitzer's high-priced escort, Miss Ashley Dupre, was once a precocious little girl. DEAR GOD what has the world come to, when cute little girls grow up into adults that...that...make their own decisions about sex!??! I think I may throw up.
Escort: Stop Hookers!
Turns out that escorts and moral conservatives have something in common: streetwalkers should be restricted, according to a professional escort. Unfortunately for the conservatives, she recommends legalising safer and cleaner methods of prostitution. My guess is the conservatives would rather it be a more "jaily" solution, so while the escort has some smart ideas, "smarts" apparently have no place in morality.
Flower Farter Redux
OK, if I've found more than one photo like this, completely accidentally, flower-farting must be a valid fetish. Go figure?
Online Porn: Good For Kids!
According to a new Harvard study, "...the increased popularity of the Internet in America has not been correlated with an overall increase in reported sexual offenses; overall sexual offenses against children have gone steadily down in the last 18 years" - meaning that the availability of online hookups, midget porn, and Second Life sex are good for kids! Who knew? Oh, wait - all the people who had been saying it would be a good idea to allow people a safe, solitary outlet for their sexual predilections that doesn't involve harming another person, but, well, those people were ignored. Yay, intellectuals who understand human behavior!
Nerd: In Fashion
Look for "Pee-Wee Herman Meets Malcolm X" to be a new fashion buzzphrase. Somehow, Malcolm X represents nerdiness, mostly because he wore nice suits and dark-rimmed glasses, but that was the custom at the time - today, if you do it, somehow you're seen as intelligensia if you wear suits with ties and dark- or horn-rimmed glasses...because you're a hot nerd! You look smart! You read books when nobody is looking! The only people who will benefit from this are the genuine nerds, who are more likely to be mistaken for hipsters, rather than the other way around.
Axe = DEAD
Obey those warnings on that 'stink can' you spray yourself with five times a day, Mr. Stinky Axewipe - you could just end up dead like this young lad. A possible heart defect and an overly small bathroom contributed to his demise, which means Unilever isn't going to get sued, but it should be a stern warning for dumb, smelly teens: Axe is gonna do you in.
Tom Jones Is Poor
Sadly, former international superstar and man of mystery, Tom Jones, has been utterly crushed by the economic slump, and he has resorted to singing on a streetcorner, begging for money. Mr. Jones was reportedly singing next to an open, empty guitar case full of women's dirty panties, begging people for money - any money - but no more panties.
Garden Gnome Gnookers
Scantily-clad women by the roadside are a guaranteed distraction, but Belgian garden gnome manufacturer Cristi Birgu figured he could channel some of that by manufacturing some naughty garden gnomes that look like hookers plying their wares. If only there were some international means of communication and commerce that Mr. Cirbu could use to market and sell his sexy plastic women, he'd be a brazillionaire. Link above to Ananova's English translation; original Belgianiese in the link below. 
Lizard People For Al Franken
It's about half-way down in this MPR page, but someone who preferred to vote for the Lizard People in the presidential election had a change of heart, and decided Al Franken was the better state leader. Or maybe this is finally the proof we needed to show Franken's alignment with the Lizard People - dear God, it all makes sense now!
Dog Hates Starbucks
A dog, so worried that his owner would embarass himself at open mike night, ran over the patio furniture and rammed a coffee shop. The dog got was so emotional that he even ripped the mirror off the windshield in protest. Word is, the dog's permit said he was supposed to have a licensed driver in the passenger seat, so the dog may have to start his driver's license training all over again. Poor puppy.
Belly Dancing Boobies
I love old, mostly-nude album covers. Sadly, I don't own many of my own, so I have to rely on other obsessive collectors, like this guy and his naughty belly-dancing album covers: 
Ashley Dupre Nude
Who's nude? Ashley Dupre, the gal who inadvertently made New York a better place to live, had - shocker - nude pictures taken of herself!
TBird #1: For Sale
The first Ford Thunderbird ever made is going to be up for sale next January. The 53 year old car will be sold without reserve, which, you know, means you can probably get it for like $10 if you jump in during the last couple seconds of the auction - I got a kick-ass vintage t-shirt on eBay that way.
Porn On Christmas!
Adultland XXX has had its share of lawbreaking: they got closed down for selling porn on Flag Day, they got cited for selling porn on Columbus Day, but the court has decided that the city has no juristiction for shutting down adult stores on holidays, because they haven't properly defined what days those are. Vaguely-worded laws don't give you wiggle-room, governments: they are just going to get your laws thrown out. Next up: properly defining what actually constitutes an adult store, and then we can get down to brass tacks.
Older People: Idiots
People in their 30s and 40s are less likely to use a condom during casual sex. But...but old people know the problem is teen sex! Teens having sex is why there's AIDS, and why my pee burns, and how babby is formed! Aerosmith told me about wearing rubbers back in 1992, but I don't watch MTV anymore so it doesn't matter! I'm free to fuck whomever I want without a condom because it's my right to be an idiot - teens can't help it, right? If somebody made it past 30, it's because they're clean, you know. Nothing's sadder than a grown up who acts like an idiot teenager, even though they've had an extra decade of hearing what teens shouldn! 't to. Idiots, the whole lot of 'em.
Everybody Loves Porn Twins
Everybody's proud of December 2008's Playmates, a set of twins, including their parents and their police officer brother. Hooray! The gals were discovered due to a bikini contest, were originally just considered for a college-student issue, but something struck Hef in such a way that he wanted them for the cover of their own issue. Here's what he saw: 
Oh, dear. such terror in their eyes.
Titti City - Not Coming
Sadly, the sign is a lie. Titti City is not coming to Hartford, CT, because the sign is believed to be a prank. This has, however, spurred the local government into action, because they are uncertain of how an adult business could even possibly arrive in their hamlet, so there are no distinct laws about it. Oh, the humanity! People might want to see strippers, which spurs the community to action, but a 55-year-old big-dollar business closes in these tough financial times and there's not a whisper of it. Oh, well, at least their priorities are in the right place. 
A Divine Bath
Divinity is exactly what she's named: absolutely divine. Now, nothing so pure and beautiful can be allowed to become besmirched with the slightest dirtiness, so she must take a bath, and wash every curve, nook, and cranny, just to be certain she remains so perfectly divine:
Mom'll Find Your Porn
Kotaku has a video of a new Gamestop commercial, probably designed for 'rowdier' channels like G4 or Spike, which shows Mom going through your room looking for Christmas-gift ideas and finding your porn stash. Yeah, "Christmas gift ideas", that's why Mom goes through your room. Whoever wrote the commercial apparently believed their parent's excuse for 'accidentally' finding their pot stash in the 1980s - "I was going to give you a gift, but now look at how you treat our hospitality!" - and thought it'd make a good commercial. It's probably the kind of idiot who has enough money for porn and video games, but still lives with his Mom. Loser.
Pornstars In Training
Gotta love boothbabes: so many bloggers are too geeky and just droll over the bored, annoyed videogame babes, but we all know the truly naughty girls are at the automobile tradeshows. CarZi has a bunch of photos of their favorite busty/slutty/hot booth babes from the 2008 SEMA show: 
Stinky Feet? Copper Socks!
This looks like the solution for my summer foot 'issues': some inventive Brazilians have locked on to the fact that copper has antibacterial effects, and are starting to put it everywhere that icky stuff grows, like socks for example. I've been poked by the fine wires in my stereo cables, and weaving that stuff into my socks sounds like a torturous footwear event waiting to happen, but, hey, if it helps against athlete's foot, I'd like to try it.
Sweden: Cross Dressing OK!
Sweden is still leading the world in taking sex fetishes off their lists of mental diseases. This time: cross-dressing is no longer considered a mental illness, which means they'll finally release RuPaul from her padded cell in Stockholm. Poor, poor RuPaul, caught up in a world of Swedish cross-dressing that she couldn't escape from.
Name An Italian Fighter
Thanks to the world wide web, some shmo in Wisconsin can nominate a potential name for a new Italian fighter. No, not some 'Rocky Balboa', although the 'Balboa' would be an excellent name for an Italian fighter jet. My vote is for "Got Its Ass Handed To It By A F/A-22", but it's too long and doesn't translate well.
Prostitutes = Insurance Fraud?
You know, people will always get innovative with their white-collar crime when they see a window. Prostitutes in Australia have found a good gig: giving 'erotic massages' and billing them to insurance companies as therepeutic services. It seems like they'd have been fine - the insurance companies were OK with it to begin with - until providers starting filing claims for services that didn't happen, and advertising cut-rate prices which put most of the weight on the insurer. Kinda like those "I'll pay your deductible!" windshield repair places where the guy looks like he'd cut off his mom's thumb to get the insurance money, but for the penis and with hotter chicks. God bless capitalism!
Rare LeMans: OBO
Turns out, the eBay seller who put the hunk of junk up for bid eventually discovered that the best offer was almost a quarter of a million dollars, because the car was one of only six drag-race-worthy 1963 Pontiac LeMans Tempest's ever made. He almost screwed it up, though: somebody offered him $160,000 to end the auction and sell it outside of eBay, but that's against eBay policies so the seller declined the generous offer. Turns out, it paid off in spades.
Brothel Tattoo = Free Fun
A brothel in Germany, taking a cue from Golden Palace online casino, has encouraged gentlemen clients to get their logo tattooed on their arm as free admission for life. The article doesn't explain exactly what comes 'free' - it sounds like the brothels have a certain strip-club atmosphere, in which free admission means you only get to skip the cover charge. Not exactly worth a tattoo, but if you can get some 'value-added' services from the women within, well, if you go to the brothel enough to think free admission saves you a boatload of money, you're probably not hiding the fact very well, and a tattoo won't be much worse. Photo of the tattoo here.
Long-Haired Lily Farter
And now, for a nude model who's so fucking hot that she farts lilies:
Worst Sexing Places
Yeah, it's Cracked, but they can be just so funny sometimes. Only just so, but, hey, it's quick reading. This list: 10 worst places to get caught having sex. Meaning, actual places people have been caught having sex, according to recent news stories. Other places, such as the top of the St. Louis Arch, Grandma's bedroom, or on the floor of the House of Representatives, have not made the news...yet.
Somebody Noticed!
Mark Wahlberg, who apparently has just been released from psychiatric care due to the experience, says a nude Kate Moss looks like a teenaged boy. Like you'd need to see her nude to get that impression, but, hey, it's Marky Mark we're talking about. I will also point out that, in the article's photo, you can count almost every single one of Kate's ribs. I go to great lengths to avoid posting photos on this site that have ultra-skinny women like that. They need to find a better-paying job than nude modelling if they can't afford food.
Fuck In A Small Car
I know I've done it: I used to have a Yugo-sized European 3-cylinder piece of crap that had experienced its share of naked female ass on the various seats, but I had no instruction. Maybe I was doing it wrong! Treehugger has the definitive guide on how to fuck in that new fuel-efficient car you traded your Humvee for. Upon review, it seems like I was doing fine. In my opinion, you'd have to be an idiot not to figure out small-car-fucking on your own, but, well, you're the one who had to have a Hemi. [via]
Well, Crap.
It turns out, men with "antisocial personality traits," such as impulsiveness, narcissism, thrill-seeking and deceitfulness, get laid more often than the rest of us. Let's see...I don't think I have any of those, but Pfizer is coming out with a Viagra Mark II, which includes medications which cause antisocial personality traits, thus giving sexually inept men at least a way to asshat their way into bed. I believe Pfizer's main ingredient is Jagermeister.
How Do Avatars Fuck?
"First you need to buy genitals," is the absolute last thing I want to hear about my future sexual relations, but in Second Life it appears to be a prerequisite for cybersex. I've never thought much about Second Life, other than enjoy stories about how nuts people get over it, like it's the real world. Seems that the human mind is really good at reprogramming itself for new contexts, so to the users, it pretty much is a real world to them. "It would just resemble two clunky-looking characters rubbing their bodies against each other..." oh, wait - it really IS like real-world sex!
Soapy Sandy Summers @ MetArt
Why, Sandy! You're moving up in the world! She took a bath for us on her own site a while back, but now she's shmoozin' with the upper crust over at Met Art. Get all nice and clean, Sandy; those high-class sites are going to dirty you up soon enough:
No Nude Sexy MP
Some crazy Australian lad's mag wants some stuffy, old elected official to pose nude for them. They offered her $30,000 dollars Australian, which must be something like $5 USD, because we all know that politicians are easily the least sexy part of the population. I mean, who wants to look at some wrinkled old lawhargarrbl: 
That's Kate Ellis, an MP from Adelaide, who is also the Minister of Youth and Sport for the nation of Australia when she's not being voted the sexiest member of Parliment. Sadly, Zoo magazine will have to check with the runner's up: Ms. Ellis declined their offer.
The Map Of Sexuality
Check out the Map of the Sexual World - I'm linking to the place I found it, but the map is actually by Franklin Veaux, who has a revised and updated version available. Interactive version here.
Bad Economy = Anything Goes
As a way of turning around this economic doldrum, a naughty resort in Australia is hosting an all-nude, anything goes month-long party next March. Remember, down-under that's towards end of their summer, so bring plenty of sunscreen, condoms, and be prepared to catch herpes!
Proud Playboy Mom!
The daughter of Bo Black, a public figure in Milwaukee, has appeared on The Girls Next Door topless, in a bid to get in the 55th anniversary issue of Playboy. Mom, however, is fine with it - she already went through the public wringer over her Playboy cover in 1967. Sure, Bo wasn't nude in any way, and Playboy's purpose has changed in this modern era of Hustler and online hardcore, but, hey, her daughter has some fine, fine assets and shouldn't keep them under wraps!Mom:
Daughter:
The daughter's modelling website. Sorry, nothing nude...yet.
Church: Fuck Often!
A pastor from Texas is recommending his parish have sex every single night. Marriage between a man and woman, divorce rates high, yadda yadda yadda - he doesn't quite realize that the church's messed-up morals have already damaged his congregation to the point where they're not having sex nightly, so let's force 'em into possible conflict by recommending they do it whether they want to or not. It's a good thing that most of his congregation probably do whatever the hell they want anyway, regardless of the church's position on it.
Women To Avoid Dating
Some guy named John Carney is bucking for a stint at McSweeney's with his humorous List of women (he calls them 'girls') to avoid dating during the holiday season. It pretty much adds up to, "you're a hipster guy, but don't want to be called a 'hipster' because that's so not cool, so stop dating hipster girls and find yourself a well-balanced woman." Sorry, guys: if you're spending time where 'microfamous' women get tattooed and/or drunk, or find pretty girls with bad eyeglasses intriguing, any well-rounded women won't be interested in you. This isn't an Apatow movie where you win when a grown-up drags you up into manhood by the collar of your ironic t-shirt or wallet chain. The 'bon! us' are the last two lines of the article: first, he admits the man-child quality with "Avoid any girl who tells you that you are emotionally unavailable. SheâÂÂ
MSNBC's Escort How-To
Better than most escort website's FAQ, MSNBC brings you the whys and hows of hiring a high-priced call-girl. It's written from the point of view of an experienced 'john', which means it's free from all the "the women are abused, the laws are clear" crap that mars most prostitution commentary. It's honest and clear that there's no presumptions of girlfriendliness, but that just a little of that is more important than purely anonymous sex. The Q&A ia apparently a promo for Dirty Money: The Business of High-End Prostitution, which lays out its prejudices in its title ('dirty'?), but they've ! got Amanada Brooks, friend of Cult of Gracie Radio, which is a good sign.
Guys: Armrest Kings!
When you're seated someplace and two adjacent chairs share an armrest, who gets it? The MAN, that's who. Men's agression overrides chivalry when there's no clear-cut rules about who gets it. Women, on the other hand, don't care as long as they don't have to bump up against some creepy, armrest-hogging guy's elbow.
iPod = DEATH
Be very careful what you listen to: the iPod headphones have been linked to deactivated defibrillators, which, of course, pose a heart-related problem for whomever has one. The headline, of course, picks on the most successful culprit, but the article says all MP3 players could put off enough electromagnetic radiation to fuck up your junk. Since it's radiation based on what you're listening to, I wonder if there's any direct relation to the music. Maybe Barry Manilow is far more deadly than anyone realises.
Foreplay: Overrated!
Guys everywhere are cheering in the streets, lighting cop cars on fire, drinking way too much, because the truth is out: foreplay is overrated, and doesn't have anything to do with orgasms! The link between orgasm frequency and foreplay was determined to be insignificant, which means that...well...it means that one possible reason for foreplay is ruled out. Don't go refusing to cuddle first, guys: maybe she just likes all the cuddling before hand. Did you ever think of that? Women. With all their wanting and doesn't matters and needs and shit, it's no wonder we riot.
Cindy's Soapy Bikini Ass
Cindy falls into the old trap of wearing her bikini bottoms into the bathtub. Doesn't she realize they'll cling to her slick, wet ass? The bubble bath suds will only complicate things. She better take them off immediately:
Monks Beating Monks
Dude, who knew a state of self-denying piety would be so tough? The Church of the Holy Sepulchure is cared for by several different Christian sects of varying orthodoxy - which is ripe for turf wars and holiday violence! We can't blame the alcohol, we can't blame the drugs, we can't blame money or hookers...what else do gangs beat the crap out of each other for? Oh, right - dogma. It's sure a good thing we have monks like these showing us how real Christians do it.
BDSM: Normal
...but don't tell that to the U.S. courts, which still say anything that might look "mean" to an outside observer is considered just as illegal as child porn or beastiality. BDSM, however, now has yet another study that proves it's normal and healthy, and guys into BDSM may be more healthy than 'normals' because they're getting out their underlying frustrations with the help of a caring partner.
Jenna Jameson: For Real
Jenna Jameson, who is only "Jenna Jameson" in the professional sense, is going to make it a permanent change. While many people with adult stage-names use them to help keep anonymity, she's got enough investing in being Ms. Jameson that it's about time that the name be her real one. I mean, who'd watch some porn starring Jenna Massoli? There's hardly anything sexy about that.
Indecent Polish Babes
Poland, who does not explicitly ban topless sunbathing, has cited two women for sunbathing topless, presumably because they were too freakin' hot. Beautiful women "showing nudity goes beyond social customs and norms in Poland," because, it seems, ugly topless sunbathers are the norm for Polish women. The topless supermodel appeared in court with a shirt on, but as you can see in the photo, the shirt was having trouble staying buttoned. Come on, courts: those breasts just can't help it! 
Garrison Girls Nude Calendar
It's that time of the year again: calendar time. And, thank the lord, there are lots of women willing to pose nude for a good cause. Today's good-cause-nudists are the Garrison Girls, a bunch of hot British army wives raising money for support for their troops. No word on how you can get one in the US, but if you're a Brit, you can get them online.
Hot: Union Suits
You know what's really fucking hot? Women in long underwear. Take, for instance, the union suit: form-fitting, shaping and smoothing, and with an ever-handy 'doggy-style' flap in the back. Add in some cute, feminine art, and you've got the hottest thing on the internet:
Craigslist: Less Hookers
Craig's List, the place where you once could find a home for your piano, a lawn-trimming job, and a tranny midget blowjob all at the same website, says they're going to crack down on the prostitution ads. It's not that they won't have "erotic services" ads - they'll just do better at thwarting the people who try to get around their already-in-place security measures. However, making a big show of it while being backed by police departments, state governments, and the Center for Missing and Exploited Children is more to placate those who might accuse Craigslist of being a participant in illegal activities. Don't worry: you can still get your tranny midget blowjobs; they just have to pro! vide a valid phone number and credit card.
Spitzer: No Swallowing
It's good to know that the courts have some smarts: when a guy is charged with soliciting prostitution, they concluded "that the public interest would not be further advanced by filing criminal charges in this matter". Oh, wait - that decision wasn't regarding average, every-day johns: that ruling applies only to former New York governor Eliot Spitzer. Oh, well. At least it's a start: if someone we trust with the running of one of the most populous states in the union is no threat to the public interest for hiring an escort, hopefully they'll realize Bob Smith from Fuckahooker, Alabama isn't any threat, either.
Say 'I Love You' = Sex?
People try all sorts of things to get laid, and almost 60% of men have said "I love you" to get laid. Dammit, they don't say how successful it is! That, buying lingerie, slutty emails - the article says most people have tried those methods of getting in a girl's panties, but they don't test the success rates of any of them. Fucking stupid survey.
Laura Ingalls WILDER!
We've all been hoping for an adult-rated DVD starring Melissa Gilbert, but nobody expected her to be only ten years old in it. Sadly, bureaucracy is more to blame than hot and heavy sex: Finland, the lovingly socialist country that it is, gives the equivalent of an 'X' rating to anything that isn't reviewed by the country's censors. Universal, believing the show speaks for itself, saved themselves the time and effort of submitting their DVD set for review, and they figure parents are smart enough to ask at the counter for them: "Psst, buddy: got any hardcore western expansionism family drama in the back?" So, sadly, this i! s about the closest you're going to get to seeing Melissa Gilbert nude.
Victoria In The Bath
Ah, Victoria: the bath looks so relaxing, could you use some company? A little backrub, a little soap on the breasts, some busy hands underneath the water - it could be lots of fun!
Stripping: Mom's Proud!
Ah, modern Europe: A place where including a reference to daughters stripping isn't accompanied by right-wing accusations of attacks on our culture. But, wait - what about when mom finds out?
NOOOOOOOO!
If you're genetically disposed for such horrors, three cups of coffee a day will shrink your tits. Caffeine seems to be biggest culprit, which means that those gallons of Diet Coke a day might cause weight loss, but only above the waist. For the sanctity of all that is holy, ladies, if caffeine makes 'em shrivel up like a balloon in the fridge, cut out the coffee! You'll regret it!
Erection Day!
It's Erection Day - hooray! Register your vote for either Harry Hardcock or Dick MacJohnson for president of the sex toys! It's like a fucking cocked-up Island of Misfit Toys, but without that douche King Moonracer. We're a god-damned democracy here in the sex-toy world, you fucking misfit-toy-monarchy! The only problem is, I can't vote for either candidate; I'm registered as an 'Independent' and I voted for Lefty Palmerson in the primaries.
No God, Have Fun
As an atheist, I appreciate the message: There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life. The ads, appearing on London busses, are a response to pro-God advertisements and as with most campaigns both sides deserve equal exposure. But, yes, it's going to piss people off. Those poor, misled people with no sense of humour.
Women: No Sex, That's OK
40% of women have a low sex drive, and every article on it leads in with the "but it doesn't bother them," while inside the article it says only 12% of those with a low sex drive aren't bothered. If you're a fan of math, that makes about 5% of all women surveyed leaning asexual, which fits with the usual worldview; those other 1/3 of women experiencing a low sex drive but wanting to have sex, well, they've got something to worry about.
Pornography Awareness Week
I was excited to see the headline: It's Pornography Awareness Week! I completely understand where they're coming from - we need to make the public more aware of pornography's benefits to society! There will be speeches about how performer safety is a paramount focus of pornographers, how the use of pornography can help people with social disorders learn aspects of human sexuality, how AIDS rates are low in the industry, how due to the Internet independent producers have a glorious advantage they never had before, bringing jobs to talented people all - wait, what? No, I didn't read the article...hold on. Oh, um...never mind. The "Pornography Awareness People" are asshole douches.
Porn Explodes Heart
A man, who really should have known better, put his already-injured heart through its paces by watching just a little porn. A little too much porn, at least for his heart: he went into cardiac arrest and died after his voyeuristic moviegoing. The heart defect was there already, but the sensationalist media doesn't fit that in their headlines, which read "Porn Kills Man" all over the world. This may encourage porn producers to add warnings; "if you are on MAO inhibitors, plan to become pregnant, are nursing, or have heart problems, see a doctor before masturbating to this film." The raunchier the movie, the more elaborate the disclaimer gimmick, even so f! ar as to offer insurance against 'death by porn' at the ticket counter. It gives 'the Tingler' a whole new meaning!
Correlation, Causation!
TV is getting your teenaged daughters knocked up! Or, rather, knocked up teens see more sex on TV, which has absolutely nothing to do with the permissiveness or involvement of their parents, I'm sure. They seem to create a cause where it's parallel involvement; if kids get to watch 3 hours of TV a day (3?! I got an hour of TV, if I was lucky, and I got laid on a regular basis), and they get to see permissiveness on the screen, and their parent exhibit permissiveness in approving or ignoring the shows, that probably goes much further than Grey's Anatomy's naughtiness. The report even says innuendo can cause early sexual activity, so if your kid is knocked up, you can blame The Office's "That's! what she said" running jokes. Ooooh, that Steve Carrell, undoing years of parental influence!
