Ron Jeremy, a hero to fuzzy Jews everywhere, was pepper sprayed by a paparazzi while eating in a restaurant today. Jeremy responded by whipping out his 4-foot-long dick and beating the paparazzi to death with it, in hopes that predatory photographers will get the message: Ron Jeremy's dick doesn't fuck around.

When running a swinger's event, you need to make sure you have plenty for everybody to do, but don't make it too extravagant, or you might attract police attention. Obscenity and public indecency are what a couple of swingin' folks are charged with after playing a game which involves trying to get strangers to pose for naughty pictures, and had people engaging in sexual acts in the bar...the bar was closed, but, well, being a licensed liquor-serving establishment they are apparently "public" even when closed. The swingers at the event claim the police were overzealous, arresting people for private acts.

via.

A small Iowa community got an excellent wintry donation: a load of free road salt. Problem: the salt had already been mixed with garlic and other flavorings. A food manufacturer, for whatever reason, could not sell the salt as food, but the road crews could put it to better use than the landfill would. To cut the smell, it was mixed with regular road salt, but it still causes hungry, hungry snowplow crews.

Prostitutes in Vancouver are planning on having the brothel ready in time for the Olympics - the only problem is that, while prostitution is legal, running a brothel is not. They've got a bit of an uphill climb in the process, so for the time being their operating as a "consulting" business, which at least keeps them legal for now. When the brothel does open, I'm going to keep track of the day: this one time, I stopped in at an Applebee's on the day they opened, and I got a free meal. That was so awesome.

Formula One has always been sexy, with it's lithe, big-assed cars and exotic locales, but now there's a new reason to masturbate while watching Le Mans on ESPN. Natacha Gachnang, a lovely Swiss miss, is making her mark on the Formula n circuit, coming in closer to first with every new year that she drives - but there's something about her that appeals to the male viewers of the races, so let's see if you can tell what it is:

Parisian nude models - sadly, the kind that pose for art courses, not the kind I post here - are protesting: French labor laws are restricting their ability to make a living wage and receive tips, so they've bared it all to show their stuff in public. They're protesting ten euros an hour? With the current low value of the dollar, that's gotta be like, $50 an hour, right? Anyhow, they're a highly specialized worker, and believe they deserve more pay, because who else can they get to sit naked in front of a bunch of freakin' atrt students without getting some bucks stuck in their G-string?

Burger King has crossed the line into fashion scents, competing with the likes of Axe, by creating a flame-broiled body spray called "Flame". Because it is expected to only encourage attacks by man-eating tigers and lions, you should probably not wear it while on safari. I also question its attractiveness to women; associating sexual desire with hunger is a very old metaphor, so it might just work. I haven't seen it in any stores, but it appears to be available in the U.S.; their flash-based website didn't work for me, though.

As you've probably heard, Scorpion's Virgin Killer album cover got Wikipedia into some hot European trouble, but it's not the only sexy pre-teen album cover: Anorak has 19 others for you to look at.

Ah, Elle, don't look so pissed; my intentions are completely pure. I'm fan of conserving water, so I'm going to share the bath with you, completely for environmental reasons. Sound good to you? I think you'll enjoy yourself:

We all know Playboy is circling the drain. And it's a damn shame, but Best Week Ever has a plan - they've developed exactly what Playboy needs to do in order to recover their former glory. Much of it has to do with imitating Hustler, but, well, you gotta follow your audience's needs!

When your gal wants to sniff your penis, it might be a wierd fetish; when it is because she thinks you're cheating, well, beating the crap out of her is only going to make things worse for you. Because, believe you me, she doesn't really want to smell anything on that dick of yours.

Sorry, men: we suck. Women get all the advantages: better pay, the ability to have children out of wedlock and be supported by the government, more education, at least according to a new book and this article from the Daily Mail. Don't worry, women, we won't let it go to your heads: Men will continue to be just as insulting, crude, and dismissive as we always have, because being a college educated single woman on relief raising a child on your own is an absolutely awesome life!

OK, sarcasm over: guys, this book is stupid, regardless how many true statistics they show, because the basic premise is flawed. This "Us vs Them" attitude towards women, that somehow men are confused about their roles and are falling apart because of it, is a crock of shit. Feminism isn't castrating us guys, it is the childish attitude that guys are in charge and women are taking over that is damaging men's place in the world. If guys would have the balls to treat the rest of the world with respect and honor, like a fairytale medieval knight instead of some asshole Disney-park-ride pirate, the world would be more civilized. The bad-boy attitude that gets the chicks doesn't even have to go away - nothing about feminism removes that - but you can't rely on it as some identity-maker. Getting a chip on your shoulder that because women are self-sufficient only shows just how dumb men have gotten on our own. Women still need men as companions and friend! s and lovers and helpers, they just don't need the caveman money-earning, open-the-pickle-jar-please crap that treats men like tools. Don't be a tool. Be a man, and stop pretending that women are preventing it. You're the problem if you can't behave like a real man.

It really does make sense: if you've spent many historic afternoons masturbating to porn in a public place, you figure is must be OK, right? Um, well, the security guards at the Milwaukee Art Museum have something else to say about it. But, come on: when it's such high-class art-museum masturbation, it really barely even counts as obscene!

According to the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration, speed isn't a big killer on U.S. highways. The biggest cause of accidents: not paying attention. So, keeping speed limits low while letting people talk on the phone while driving seems to be working, right, people? I'm not advocating higher speed limits (it's more important to conserve gas than anything), and we have to keep kids in car seats and wear our seat belts, but when it's so obviously clear that distractions hurt people, something should be done about it.

Madonna, often seen wearing shapeless Amish dresses during her performances, has run afoul of a Pinochet-loving Catholic Cardinal. "Her shameful behavior provokes a wild and lustful enthusiasm," he said, "Thoughts of lust, impure thoughts, impure acts, are an offense to God and a dirty stain on our heart." The cardinal then continued with the mass honoring former dictator Augusto Pinochet, celebrating the former military leader's decade of torturing citizens and causing dissidents to "disappear." But, Madonna, well, the Catholic Church needs to have standards of behavior, you know...

Sorry, guys: if your partner is short or beautiful (and, hopefully, it's a combination of the two), she's probably just putting on a show in bed. Most women of those varieties fake an orgasm more often than the average middle-sized, homely girl. That's not to say she doesn't enjoy the sex, it's just that she wants you to feel good, or she's signaling you to finish...oh, and she might not like you all that much, but, well, you're fucking a beautiful short woman, so you've got nothing to complain about.

Here's what happens when there's too much marihuana at a porn shoot. "OK, here's, no, really, here's what, got it, here's what we'll do next: Melisa, empty out the fridge; now, eat a banana while smearing white shit all over your chest. God, I want a banana." Yes, too, too much pot.

A porn producer has gotten a 33-month prison sentence (that's 2-1/2 years, folks) for being unrepentant in his smut-selling. However, a crooked cop who would arrest people and extort money from them to go free, won't see any jail time, because he's very, very sorry for what he did. Porn - which, by all accounts, is legal most places - gets a worse deal for defending his business, while a crooked cop - 100% illegal everyplace - who admits wrongdoing and apologizes gets a slap on the wrist? Thank you, Department of Justice, for showing the world what's worse in American eyes: when visiting our great nation, don't buy any porn, and bribe your cops we! ll!

Turns out that everybody's in agreement: women with big tits aren't medically ill or disabled. Well, everybody except those who actually have uncomfortably-large breasts. The argument was that a woman with huge breasts should have the right to get them reduced, but the courts ruled that insurance only has to pay if they're deformed. Because, apparently, breasts so large they need their own seat on an airplane aren't deformed.

Are you a porn addict with no shame? MTV wants to talk to you! The ominous part of this is that they want people willing to "seek help", which tells me Dr. Drew is involved somehow. Since it's the show "True Life", your episode will be archived alongside such hard-hitting subjects as "I'm a battle rapper" and "surviving high school". Anyhow, it's nonpaying, so you just get the satisfaction of announcing your addiction on television, and being given pop-psych answers while the most embarrassing things are edited together ! for entertainment value. Sounds like fun! Via.

Poor, poor boyfriends of bloggers: your women prefer to be online than have sex with you. Well, for two weeks anyways - the survey doesn't assume that the respondents are crazy, just obsessed with the internet. Luckily, the world we live in today allows people to both have sex and be on the internet - living in The Future is awesome!

Sadly, the lovely pin-up Bettie Page has passed away. She experienced a heart attack earlier this week, and had been in intensive care since. She was 85.

Playboy, usually not one to stir up religious controvery, has portrayed the Virgin Mary on the front of their new issue. This, unfortunately, makes people acknowledge the fact that Jesus' mom was totally nude underneath her robes! That is so amazingly hot. While it's remarkable that Playboy has done it, I wouldn't be surprised to find that Hustler has already done an even naughtier "Son of God" spread. We expect that from Hustler, but Playboy? I thought they were classier than that.

Aw, man - I need to upgrade my browser or something. All I'm getting are "X"es where the good stuff should be. Or maybe she changed some URLs and forgot to update her nipple files. Anyhow, this is definite proof that X marks the spot when it comes to hot gothy chicks:

Women, struck by the financial downturn, are finding that they can't make trips for their beauty treatments as often as before. The result: hairier pussies. Not that I'm complaining: while every model on this website seems to shave everything, a completely-bare crotch just looks like a twelve-year-old, and I am sooo not turned on by that, and thus I need some hair down there. Somewhere in the middle is nice; that 1/2-inch wide strip just doesn't look that great either.

Germans have such a beautiful and lyrical language - oh, wait, I was thinking about the Polish. No, the German language are the Legos of linguistics; sure, you can build anything, but it's going to be blocky and knobby around the edges. A German dictionary publisher has put together their Best Words of 2008 list, and the one at the top is "gammelfleischparty," or "spoiled meat party", a slang term for a party full of people over thirty. Apparently, that kind of party doesn't sound cool unless you're over thirty as well. What ever happened to just adding 'izzle' to the first letter of a word? Kids these days don't understand just how easy it is. As for the Gammelfleischparty, I expect them to ! come to political control of the German Parliment by 2015...then they'll all be sorry.

5% of Americans are addicted to sex, says "the latest estimates", which means some statistician pulled the data out of their asses. If true, however, look at the place you work, and consider the twenty people there. If you can't point out one sex-addict, then it must be you. Sorry, dude. Now you know why you masturbate so much.

We've learned that sisters of homosexual men are quick to drop their panties, but that data may be a bit skewed by this new bit of information. New research from Australia shows that any younger sister is more likely to lose their virginity early, which pretty much means that a first-born, only-daughter is probably not going to give your dick the time of day, fellas. Now, the youngest sister in a family which produced 5 gay sons previously, well, her name is probably "Kamerynn" and gets the best tips down at the topless bar.

Poor, poor strippers: Michigan strip clubs, hit so hard by the economic downturn in the auto industry, have resorted to dollar-store-pricing for their dances. See, folks - this is why the Big 3 automakers need a bailout. Won't somebody please think of the pole-dancing chicks with big tits?

Last week we learned that Ralph's order of 130,000 inflatable breasts went missing, and there were talks of everything from boobie pirates to inflated breast flotillas washing up on shore. Turns out, it was a paperwork mix-up: the wrong shipping container was delivered, leaving the rubber breasts waiting to be picked up at the pier.

Polliana doesn't seem to understand the bathtub well. While she's got a hot, steamy bubble bath at her disposal, she tends to just sit on the edge. While I enjoy the view, I think I may have to slip and and show her just how I think her bathtime should be handled:

Marie Claire, a bastion of analytical thought (but doesn't cite any survey's source), says women have more sexual partners, on average, than men. Women averaged 9 partners, versus men's 7, and more women averaged 10 partners or more than men. What men want to know is: where are these women, and how can I meet one?!??

D'OH! I picked up partial shifts on Saturday and Sunday last weekend, which means I get a day off during the week. I picked Wednesday, December 10th, but that, unfortunately, coincides with the Day Without Gay. The DWG is a protest of anti-gay laws that prevent loving couples from getting married, but all I want is a day off to watch the Military Channel and drink wine coolers. Now, my coworkers are going to think I'm all edgy and political. I just can't win.

What you do right after sex is very important to your woman, says a new survey from Japan. It says that 44% want more foreplay, 38% want more postplay, and a third rate their partner as 'selfish', all of which mean, "dammit, just because you're dick is done doesn't mean I'm satisfied!" So, guys, going back to your internet porn right after sex might seem like fun, but she needs a bit more from you before you act like the event was a success.

Uh, oh - Commissioner Gordon is going to hear about this! Actor Aaron Eckhart, who played Harvey Dent in the movie, was apparently driving the car around London to promote the DVD release. Then, (I suspect) he managed to get wasted and forgot where he parked his car, so he took a cab home until it was bright enough for him to wander London, thinking to himself, "wait - is that my Batmobile down there? No, keep going..." Sadly, the metermaids got to the car before him.More pics here (scroll down on the right column), and all via Fark.

Out in the middle of a Rhode Island forest is the fabled musclecard graveyard, a horrible and cursed land where old hot rods went to rust in piece. It's actually several broad acres (which means it almost entirely covers the state of Rhode Island) of an unregistered and unpermitted dump, so the state has said, clean it up or face the consequences. The current owner is now trying to get rid of it all, so bring a trailer if you need a half-rusted Mach 1 body.

Dr Pamela Turton-Turner, taking on the greatest job in the universe, has spent time studying charity nude calendars. Now, I'm a fan of that naughty genre of charitable calendars, but Turton-Turner has discovered some important things: first, don't show too much nudeness, and secondly, put some humor into it. Too many nipples, and nobody will respect you (although that is a statement that has weight far beyond the nude calendar world). Best part of the article: 105 photos from nude calendars - Australian news is printed on awesome!

Be careful if your boyfriend is named "Hoover" or "Electrolux" - a young lady had her eardrum ruptured during an extra-passionate kiss. Her lover, whose lung rival those of most superheroes, sucked so hard on her face that the eardrum was sucked inward and tore. I don't know that I've ever sucked in that hard during a kiss, which leads me to the accusation "you're doing it wrong." The gay porn community, however, is apparently talking to the lad about a very lucrative career.

While we hope Ms. Page has a speedy recovery, here's something to enjoy from her golden days: Bettie Page, being bathed by her fellow harem girls:

Bettie Page, the 85-year-old former pinup, has suffered a heart attack and is in critical condition. Hopefully she pulls through.

Once upon a time, all those every nudie magazine advertised itself as an artist's aid, whether for painters in need of human forms, photographers in need of tips, or horny guys a way to excuse their predilections as 'art appreciation'. The artistic excuse for looking at nude models didn't end with Penthouse or Hustler - being a nude model is still a valuable (and profitable) part of the art world.

You've turned off Limewire to avoid the RIAA, you keep away from Torrents to keep the MPAA off your back, but you probably didn't expect this: people sharing hardcore porn online have gotten cease-and-desist letters, and are being sued for violating pornographer's copyrights. Not only does the DCMA get you caught, but now everybody's going to know that "Cum Butt Virgins 57" is your favorite download.

Oh, Sandy: she loves to take a bath so much (see also) that she brought a friend with! And, believe me, they had some fun - but you'll have to see it for yourself:

Once upon a time, cameras were finely-tuned mechanical marvels, and that was just to take a picture. When watchmaker Jaeger LeCoultre makes a camera, however, they added the bells and whistles. Now that's an awesome camera:via - although don't trust any photos that show a bunch of swiss-army-tool like popouts: it's a photoshop from the link in the image.

Police in Boulder, CO, would like you to know that they have your underwear - see, here's a picture - and you should call them to claim it. Be prepared to provide proof that it's your underwear, because they may be ready to arrest you as another naughty panty-obsessed freak like the guy who stole them in the first place if you're just trying to get some stranger's panties for your own sick, twisted fantasies. So, the police are hoping you can provide photos of yourself, in varying positions and locales, wearing said underwear. Heck, on second thought, it could b! e in any underwear, just to prove that you've worn underwear in the past. Lots of pictures, please. Thank you for your cooperation.

If you're geeky and really like flowcharts - first, get a fucking life and get laid for once, dammit! Then, go have a look at this flowchart regarding the loss of one's virginity. Note, of course, that getting her drunk figures heavily in the only non-illegal option to losing your virginity, which really goes to show how hard it is for a woman to want to have sex with you. Loser.

A study of sexual satisfaction in Canada has turned up an odd statistic: their women would enjoy a caramel roll more than sex. I must admit, though - I've been to Canada, and their caramel rolls are fucking excellent.

As you might have expected, the amount of sex a person has really does relate to their major. Science nerds: not much sex at all. Art school chicks: fuck anything that moves. Don't get too excited, though: the data was collected during a study of chlamydia awareness, and those same art-school sluts were less aware of STDs than their counterparts. They may do more of it, but they're doing it wrong. Use caution if some chick wants to come up to her apartment to look at her 'etchings' - it could be a chlamydia trick!

Well, when you're a garbageman, you're always keeping your eyes open for something cool in the trash to keep. This guy's amazing find: 10,000 pounds in shredded money (the British money, not in weight). The police did their checking and found no wrongdoing, and nobody has reported any money stolen, so Mr. Eagle-eye Garbageman can keep the shreddings. If he wants to use any of the money, he will, of course, spend a lot of money on Scotch tape.

Back in the day, lego knights had swords and bows and arrows and such, allowing for your little hand-built toys to try and kill each other; the space figures had parts that could be assembled into weapons, too. But, overall, Lego is rather pacifist with their products...that is, until BrickArms came along. Producing a custom Lego arsenal, proprietor Will Chapman sells the MOST AWESOME LEGO STUFF EVER. Dude. Little tiny Lego grenades? That so kicks the ass of anything ever made in the history of history. Chapman, however, has raised the ire of the Mus! lim community for making a terrorist minifig:


I doubt it is glorifying terrorism, like the Islamists say - I bet it's more so that the good-guy Legos have somebody to blow up. You can't have the good guys blowing each other up, can you?

If you want to learn how to talk to girls, go to the expert: Alec Greven spends his days talking to girls, and has compiled his list of best tips for getting close to a fine young lady into a new book called "How to Talk to Girls". Oh, and the dude is only nine years old. Even at nine, he's got it all figured out: "Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil." Dude, so profound. There's guys in their twenties that haven't figured that out yet. But it just goes to show: not much separates grown-u! p boys and girls from the third-graders.

A remote doctor came across a man whose arm was mostly bitten off by a hippopotamus. Unable to do the amputation solo, the doctor turned to a reliable source: a doctor in London, via SMS text messaging. The amputation was a success, the doctor's celphone bill went up by about $500, and the hippos remain undisturbed. Verizon's new "Dead Zone" commercial will now consist of a young swimmer being warned that he shouldn't go in the river, due to the danger of hippos. "We're Good!" says the bespeckled Verizon mascot and their legion of cellular phone technicians, who are then ripped to shreds by angry hippopotamuses. Not that's entertainment!

Think today's teens are out of control when it comes to drugs, alcohol, and reckless sex? The prudish Victorians encouraged sexless lives, moderation and proper behavior, and what did it get them? Kids who went off to college, got drunk off their asses, hired prostitutes and fucked anything that was remotely willing. Hmmm, how'd that work out for them? Those kids grew up and became - the horror - Edwardian progressives.

Alternet, usually a good place to look for leftist rhetoric, has put together a list of nine solutions to our conservative society. Most of their troubles are laid at the feet of the Religious Right - which is probably true - but the sympathy of the undecided are the hearts and minds you need to convince. Anyhow, #6 makes obscenity less restrictive, #7 is decriminalization of prostitution and other "commercial sex" venues, and #8, better policies on sex offenders, all of which will allow people to be sexual without being afraid of punishment, regardless if religion is still a major part of people's personal lives. Missing from the list: reducing anti-BDSM laws,! and rules accomodating the needs of transgendered people.

Whaaaa?!?? Women are able to produce porn? I thought only brutal, sleazy men with Mafia connections were allowed to make porn. Er, at least that's what TV and religious leaders taught me. According to MSNBC, there's more women producing adult entertainment than ever before, which kinda makes it hard to say that porn is all about female suppression. Bonus: Joy King on the life of a porn magnate.

High On Sex has, as we all do, put 'pornography' into a Google Image Search - but when they combined it with Google's acquisition of Life magazine's image reproduction rights, you get some interesting views of the porn film industry, circa 1970s.

DUDE - check out the awesome paint-by-number on this wall! It has to be like 3' x 4', and I'll bet her little brother painted it. Now that's talent.

My current glasses are the near-invisible kind, but I've been told that the lenses can't be any thicker. If my eyes continue to deteriorate and I have to get some new glasses, these are the style of frames I'll be getting. Malcolm X wore them, my grandpa wore them, and the cheerleader's fake-dad on Heroes wears them. What's more badass than those three dudes? The ones below are on the high end of the market, but have a nice style to them, balancing the weight of the black with the lightness of the wire under-rim, from Dita Legends:

Australian lad mag Ralph had a grand plan: the January issue of the magazine would contain a pair of inflatable breasts. That plan may be sidelined: the breasts are missing - all 130,000 of them. Ralph ordered the inflatables from a Chinese manufacturer, but when the cargo container arrived, no boobies were to be found. Police have been alerted to watch for anyone having more than a couple thousand pairs of inflatable boobs for personal use.

Now that's ingenious capitalism at work! A couple of guys hosted a party, in which all the attendees put $10 in the pot. The prize: fucking a hooker. While it doesn't appeal to me as a fun party game, apparently the guys had enough friends who were tired of $10 crack-whore blowjobs and willing to risk it all for a chance to diddle a high-priced sex worker. Unfortunately, the police ran across their creative plan, and it turns out that the people involved had real jobs as well - and we all know that the public can't handle the idea that real people are involved in such amusements. The prostitute herself even had a job working with c! hildren, the horror! So, because these were white-collar adults who may have spoken to a child recently, instead unemployed drug-users, the courts intend to throw the book at them; one guy may end up fired for "inappropriate computer use". Stick with the $10 crack whores, buddy; anything better might draw attention.

Poor KelyAn: short on consonants, hair fried by bleaching, and obviously fake tits. The world is hard on her, but nothing helps her relax like a hot bath:

Time magazine, source of hard-hitting news, has compiled a Reader's Digest history of lad mags. So brief, in fact, that it pretty much only talks about Playboy...surprise, surprise: they're shilling for a new Hef biography.

According to a study of what people do in their spare time, now that $400 lobster lunches and buying gold-plated cellular telephones is becoming less achievable. #1 top answer is on the board, Richard Dawson says of 100 people surveyed, 37 people said "having sex" is their best inexpensive pasttime. High-priced escorts? You're in trouble - apparently somebody has figured out how to get laid for free.

Americans are trailing our European peers in money, political progressiveness, and now we're falling behind in sexual promiscuity. Dear god, people, what are you doing wrong?!? Are we going to let those godless, insurance-having continental peoples be #1 at everything? The story does give you ideas for where to plan your next international vacation: Brits are the best at promiscuity, with Germans and the Dutch trailing behind slightly.

While the position resembles giving birth (no, please, don't send me any birthing porn), this young sexy lady is actually having all the hairs on her cooch removed by a professional. Professional cooch-baldener, not professional "worlds oldest profession" professional. It was "sexy" enough for them to put together an entire freakin' gallery of the event:

It's World AIDS Day today, marking the 20th anniversary of the awareness-raising event. The traditional gift for a 20th anniversary is china, but China is surprisingly low when it comes to AIDS patients, compared to its population. While isolationism has probably done the most for it, their government has been making a concerted effort to control the spread. In more progressive countries, we expect people to not be idiots: don't be an idiot, use a condom, don't make things worse, you moron.