Bubbles On Busty Barbi's Boobies
Busty Barbi's bouncy bubble bath? Boy, she's got some breasts to bathe, there, babe:
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Big Condom Thief!
You know, those safe-sex organizations give away condoms for free: you don't have to use heavy equipment to break in to their offices to steal them. I suppose, the thief was trying to avoid the embarassment, but the condoms stolen were extra large condoms - a guy like that should walk around wearing a light-up T-Shirt identifying his size-requirements for choosing condoms, and possibly have a choir of angels announce his entrances. The only embarassment this guy probably experienced was discovering just how small he really was when he tried them on. It was probably like slipping a croissant in a bag designed for french bread. (another Fark via)
Faith-Based Sex: Evil!
Wait, these exist? Neighbors think the Phoenix Goddess Temple is a "sex-temple", a title usually held by those strip-clubs with unadvertised champagne-room 'specials' that are so, so wonderful, or the curtained 'back-room' at the bookstore which sells not only naughty magazines but videos, too. Sex temples? They're all over the freakin' place, so why is the Goddess Temple singled out? "The temple has drawn police attention because its tenets connect spirituality and sexuality and it employs sexual healers and teaches its members about tantric sexual techniques." Dear GOD, the horror: people learning how to enjoy themselves sexually in an open and religiou! s way? That's fucking absurd. Sex is supposed to be seedy, hidden, and dirty: doesn't the Phoenix Goddess Temple understand that their open and faith-based sex is an abomination? (via)
Blowjob: To Be Arrested!
Malaysia, what a wacky country - first, government official Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soi Lek 'accidentally' ends up on a sex tape, shown getting a blow job. It's not enough that he resigned and had his life destroyed over a hummer: they now intend to arrest the blow-jobber under "Section 377A of the Penal Code for carnal intercourse against the order of nature". So, young lady, just step forward and identify yourself as a young woman paddling against the flow of nature, and all will be right in the world. We just can't have people giving blow-jobs willy-nilly.
Porn Censors Get Hard!
...or, rather, that's their worry. British censors are worried that, if they were alone during their porn viewings, they'd be more likely to get aroused and distracted from their jobs. Until lately, they've always watched porn in a group, but the rough economy might mean censors having to view Teen Ass Cum Sluts XXIV all on their lonesome. If I were a censor, I'd agree - I'd like to have somebody with when porning it up. Oh, no, they wouldn't be another censor, but she'd appreciate the film anyway, if you know what I mean.
Wanking: OK Sex!
As I've said before, why skip a pot-pie lunch when you know there's steak for dinner? Masturbation isn't a problem in a healthy relationship says Dr. Gail Saltz of the Today show - well, a healthy relationship can't be harmed by jacking off, but it ain't going to help an already-damaged relationship. So, if somebody thinks wanking is a problem, figure out why first, solve that, then diddle yourself until you're raw.
Dr Manhattan: PENIS!
I never read Watchmen, don't know anything about it, but I do know this: Dr. Manhattan has a huge blue penis. Well, it's no longer a human blue penis, sadly, as Dr. Manhattan's body was altered by a Hulk-like accident, resulting in his being more than human. If anybody were to try to measure said superhuman-penis, I'd wager is is three apples tall.
Twitter = Porn For Teens!
Ah, Internet, is there nothing new that can't be twisted into a "won't somebody think of the children?!?" argument. MySpace allows teens to post nude pictures of themselves, Facebook is full of pedophiles, and now Twitter is giving porn to teens. The horror - teens were never able to find porn online before, and now we let a technology appear which gives teens porn, right there on their computer screen? It's incredible! And, check out this horror, according to the article: "As a result some of the users of the site ââÂ
Carved After A Fuck!
I missed this a couple weeks ago: after having a drunken one-night stand, a guy woke up to find that the woman left more than just emotional scars. His temporary lover had carved his skin, leaving a star on his back, along with smaller marks on his arms. The thought, "I'm going to slice up my sleeping partner" doesn't generally go through my head, let alone after sex, but then I'm also not getting really drunk and having one-night stands while during my blackout stupor. She claims he asked her to do it, which I think is more likely than the courts thought; he's lucky his drunken mind didn't make him say, "why not just cut off my balls and blend them into a frappe". ! There's always next weekend for the newly-tattooed guy, I guess.
Sadie's Bathtime Visitor
Sadie just can't have a relaxing bath on her own - she's soaking away, enjoying the bubbles caressing her tits, when a guy with a big cock shows up...she can't just ignore it, can she?
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Travis Bickle's Jacket
Everyone with a stubby mohawk needs one of these - a replica of the Taxi Driver military jacket. It's sorta like "V is for Vendetta", but without the high-minded anarchy: 
(via)
Learn From Porn!
Examiner writer Kelvin Lynch has taken a bullet for all of us: he has watched an enormous amount of porn - so we don't have to - and documented the 26 most important things he learned from the experience. The one that gives me the most optimism: Young beautiful women enjoy having sex with ugly, out-of-shape, balding, middle-aged men with pony tails. Hell yeah, 'porn star' is a career for more people than we thought!
Bodypainter At Carnivale!
Even the Associated Press understands: being a bodypainter at Carnivale is the awesomest job in the world, it beats out icecream-flavor-designer, blowjob-tester, and President of Awesomeania for the most awesome way to make money. Sadly, you need to have some talent (unlike the President of Awesomeania, who just needs to be awesome), of which I do not have, so it seems that, no matter the case, being within inches of a hot Brazilian's breast requires some skill.
Porn, Good For World, Bad For Work!
It's so horrible when things are good for some things, and bad for others - Reason magazine has discovered two things -- first, porn is bad for the workplace, but secondly, it's good for society as a hole. Never in the history of humanity has something been good and beneficial in moderation, but bad when used inappropriately! It's fucking mind-blowing. Things were so much easier when a church or well-meaning control-freak could just point out the things that are 100% bad versus 100% good so the rest of us don't have to think about it.
Crabs: From Gorillas!
Around three million years ago, a huge evolutionary jump occurred: public lice that lived on gorillas began to inhabit human pubes. As we all know, you can get public lice from things other sex, so don't get all "my grandpa fucked gorillas!" on us - we can only assume that those early humans were either too cheap to stay at a clean hotel, or they used a bus station bathroom, and that's how the species jumped from one primate to another.
Stripper = Oscar!
I had no idea: the Oscar usually goes to the stripper, or the prostitute, or the sexually-flawed female character. According to the article, it gives women a chance to really act, to fill a complex and nuanced role, which might tell you something about most of the women's roles. The stripper/hooker roles, though, are often positive, sympathetic roles, which is something the Oscars might have, but the real world seems to ignore.
Porn: Not Recession Proof!
What sad day is this, when people can't run two nickels together and spend it on porn? The porn market is down, but not across the board: traditional hard-copy methods, like DVDs, are getting hurt by their cheaper and more accessible relatives on the internet. On one hand, the market is correcting for a product that people don't need; on the other hand - less porn??!!? That's sad no matter how you cut it.
Real Dolls: Hot!
"...about a dozen headless bodies hang from a rack, like Rockettes at a slaughterhouse..." No, it's not a reboot of some slasher movie; it's the Real Doll factory, as documented by Meghan Laslocky. You can't write an article about Real Dolls without getting into the creepiness of their owners, which the article has in spades; it's like the male equivalent of a cat lady -- a sign of some emotional issue, something that's benign if controlled well, but, man, don't expect to have a normal human relationship with 'em. Still, I'd like to try one out, be like the guy who calls his RealDolls "it" and acknowledges that it's masturbation, because it's the most true-to-life, like a woman with a favorite vibrator. On the other hand, a guy who keeps naked human-sized dolls under his bed isn't exactly avoiding the 'creepy' label, either. Long PDF here, short article here. (via)
Watch Self Porn Repeatedly!
It's quite innocent, but it has such implications: when you're a famous sports star and a 'sex tape' surfaces that claims you're in it, you want to find out what's up. You'll maybe have to watch it to make sure it's not you, you know, see if you recognize the room, the woman, watch for clues that might tell you when it was made. You might want to stop drinking so much if, even after one viewing, you're still not sure if it's you. And, come on - after the fourth or fifth time watching what appears to be you fucking somebody, it's no longer just for informational purposes: partaking in that much self-porn might be something to discuss with your psychologist.
Phone Sex: Not Me!
Those evil, evil identity thieves! An 86-year-old woman was stunned when the bills for a phone sex service showed up in her husband's name. She knew, she knew he couldn't have done such a thing - he doesn't have a credit card...hell, he doesn't even have a phone: he's been dead for twenty years. Identity thieves exploited a loophole in a shifty payment service, applying for credit using dead people's information, then - most likely - running fake phone-sex services and calling themselves. The payment service has agreed to drop existing charges, but that hasn't stopped new bills from arriving.
Bear: Shovel, Gun Attack!
When a bear throws your dog around like a rag doll, most people wouldn't take on a wild animal, but this guy first tried a shovel to the head. That didn't work, so it took three shots from his rifle to run off the bear. The first tag for this guy is "lucky idiot". The second tag is "huge balls of steel". The two cancel each other out, so he's just lucky his dog is doing OK.
Chicken Ranch: More!
As I mentioned yesterday, a writer is hanging out at the Chicken Ranch, putting up series of blog posts depicting his adventures. For now, they can be seen here, although the author hasn't tagged everything quite the same, so also check his main page -- it would have been nice if the writer created a 'tag' for just this story, so they could all be on one page without any others. My only other recommendation: if you're writing for a blog, don't be so newspapery; shorter, more trivial blog posts in between the more meaty posts act like pull-quotes or sidebars, be! cause people like that stuff. The fun of an article on hookers ordering in Subway because of a power outage holds so much more potential than his dry, facutal article.
Women: Sex Like Man?
My first answer is, "No, as they do not have any penises!", but the actual question posed by this article is, "can women have careless, no-strings-attached sex and still enjoy it?" It's an odd question, since it assumes that us men have careless, no-strings-attached sex and still enjoy it, which I don't exactly think is completely true, either. The article points out that having an orgasm doesn't necessarily mean you enjoyed sex, but it seems to be the assumption when it comes to men. Sexist bastards!
Breasts: Mysteries!
The Examiner has a helpful article for those of us breast afficianadoes that don't actually have breasts of our own. First, a fun statistic: three out of 100 nipples are innies: I don't like that number, because it means that there's one poor gal out there with one innie and one outie. Secondly, they draw attention to the fact that superfluous nipples are quite common - and I know, because I've got two, evenly spaced and just above my belt-line, much to the consternation of Gracie who was not expecting such a mutation in her lover. Nipples are awesome!
No Hooker Paintball!
Let's say, hookers and johns are doing their business in front of your home. Do you have the right to shoot them with a paintball, super-soaker, or other non-lethal device? Sadly, no, although that would be an awesome event to charge admission to. The police, of course, prefer you call 911, at which time a cop will show up an hour too late, decline to make a report due to the lack of evidence, and scold you for using 911 for such unimportant things.
NeoNasty Gas Masks!
If you're accustomed to masturbating to malthusian post-apocalyptic visions, then there's a new site for you. NeoNasty is all-gas-mask, all-the-time porn site, combining some surprisingly good photography with the sexiness of artificial air scrubbers:
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Rental: Former Brothel!
You snatch up an awesome rental - good location, fits your family, but something's amiss when men start showing up at all hours. Oh, by the way, it used to be a brothel. Sadly, the new tenants weren't in any position to make the existing advertising work in their favor; they had no interest in running a brothel themselves, and having three small children made them uncomfortable with men arriving to "have a good time" - they no longer live in the former whorehouse. (via)
Hand-Grab Boob Bra!
It looks uncomfortable, it is likely to cause a 'wardrobe malfunction', it draws a lot of attention to the tits -- and it's the most amazing invention ever. Pretend you're Janet Jackson on Rolling Stone with these hand bras. 
Telemarketers: Not Phone Sex!
According to a recent survey, four out of ten telemarketers are mistaken for phone sex operators by their randy 'customers'; On one hand, encouraging a telemarketer to leave you alone by saying obscene things is a tried-and-true American tradition, so it's nice to see Korea moving up in the world, but, damn, are you that hard up that any random woman (or guy) that calls you on the phone is a possible playtoy? Korea, you have more cutie options than that.
NeoNasty Gas Masks!
If you're accustomed to masturbating to malthusian post-apocalyptic visions, then there's a new site for you. NeoNasty is all-gas-mask, all-the-time porn site, combining some surprisingly good photography with the sexiness of artificial air scrubbers:More from this gallery >>
Playboy: Getting Worse!
Sadly, Playboy's empire continues to crumble: subscriptions are down 11%, losses in the millions, and they even had to cancel their Superbowl party. There's some good news in their full press release, though: Playboy's TV ventures increased in profits, bringing in $5 million. Nobody wants Playboy to fail: where would all those photo-airbrushers and naughty cartoonists go to work at?
Vatican: Men, Women Sin!
Evoking some deadly sins, the Vatican is accusing of women being proud, and men being lustful -- based on confessions, which I suppose has more to do with what the sinner wants to admit, especially seeing that (according to the article) a third of Catholics think confession to be unnecessary. So, of the two-thirds that choose to go to confession and relay their sins, the gals love themselves, the guys love poon. Thanks, Catholicism, for straightening that out for us!
Chicken Ranch Living!
Richard Abowitz of the LA Times is going undercover: living at the Chicken Ranch, one of Las Vegas' nearby legal brothels, in hopes of uncovering just what legalized prostitution means. This appears to be the first in a series of poorly-linked, unedited-rough-draft blog posts, because that's what the kids like to read these days, right? Hopefully it won't be hard to keep an eye on his articles; I'd like to hear what he's got to say, if it's not too buried in blog crap.
Hitler: Slob!
Poor, poor maligned Hitler. He's never going to live down the genocide he inflicted, but now Fox News is hitting below the belt. Hitler had horrible table manners, according to a secret Nazi file recently uncovered. He ate little for dinner, gorged on his dessert, ignored his meal-mates, and (and I'm reading in to this) used the salad fork instead of his entree fork most of the time. Dear God, this man is a monster! It also verifies a fact that's been tossed around for years: Hitler was a vegetarian. Weigh that next time you consider the moral implications of buying a leather coat.
Vicar: Brothel OK!
Somebody has some smarts in the U.K.: After an order to close a brothel, a nearby vicar has come to their rescue by pointing out that it has done nothing to curtail crime, but affects needy people's income. A brothel attracts drug dealers and violent crime? Where does the police get that idea? Oh, the community is heading downhill with drugs and violence...it must be the fault of that place where people have sex for money! Rather than arresting dealers and abusers, let's kick out the whores. Smart move, there, bobby. Plus, who knew a church would have somebody that understands logic working for them? Those darn Anglicans, making religious people lo! ok respectable once in a while.
RevCo's Sex-O Olympic-O
The Revolting Cocks are still putting out albums, even though Ministry has disbanded? Encroyable! Sex-O Olympic-O is coming out March 3rd, and it may be the first time in a long time I'll buy a new CD. Some dude's review here.
Naughty License Plates!
Ohio, in order to cut back on the number of douches requesting naughty license plates, have released their list of banned vanity plates. While Ohioans may be out of luck, those of you in Idaho, South Dakota, or Montana, where the DMVs aren't quite as bright, now have a list of ideas to go through next time you need to renew your plates. (via)
Saskia's Long Wet Hair
I always feel sorry for women with such long hair; they must have trouble washing it all by themselves. I'd like to remind Saskia that I'm an expert in that department...although I wonder just how athletic her bath is; she has a fuckin' ladder next to the tub:
Cop At Stripclub = Bad!
Sure, I'd get in trouble for stopping in at the strip-club while I'm supposed to be doing my rounds, but is it just "public relations" if a cop stops by? His bosses don't think so, but I'd like to think that it's not the 'stopping by' part that's the problem. If he stopped in an average bar, without drinking or screwing around, I bet he'd be fine. If he stops in at the grocery store to keep an eye out for criminals, no problem. Naked boobies? That's a suspendin'.
iPod Boobies!
Ah, isn't there anything that isn't made better by redesigning it in boob-form? Not only are these a boob pillow, but they also double as iPod speakers. Technology is wonderful!
Toy Guns = Police!
Police in the UK were called because somebody was wandering around brandishing firearms...and ended up besieging a cowboy-themed costume party. The party-goers have even warned the cops of their toy-gun affair, but that wasn't sufficient enough to prevent the police from checking out the partygoers for actual weapons. Luckily, nobody tried to fight back against the police with their plastic guns, or else the party would have ended very fast.
50 Best LV Hookers!
Las Vegas police have provided a handy guide for your escort shopping pleasure: the 50 most-arrested prostitutes in their fair city - although they claim their actual target is reducing 'prostitution-related crimes', most of which seem to be trespassing and theft, and they're cracking down on the pimps, citing the violence and trouble they cause. Where are the "50 most-arrested pimp" photos? Apparently the pimps aren't as beautiful or shocking a gallery as the women. They want it both ways: publicly shame the hookers, but say that they're going to rehabilitate the prostitutes because it's the crime surrounding the hookers that's the problem they're trying to reign in. Stay classy, Las Vegas!
Jam Sandwich Horror!
You see, parents, when you never make your kids do anything for themselves, this is what happens. Stop making their fucking peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches for them, or else they'll try and figure it out themselves, with disastrous results. More deaths are caused by improper sandwich-making-training than any other childhood-related injury:
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Online Porn Tax!
New York's Gov. Paterson is proposing a tax on internet download purchases, whether music or video or porn - citing that taxing 'legitimizes' the stuff, just as sales tax at adult bookstores makes those wholesome, legitimate businesses, I suppose. This comes at a time when getting people to pay for anything online is difficult, raising the price is only going to make pornographers change their model. The tax will only apply to New York pornographers, so it'll either make them uncompetitive with their out-of-state counterparts and damage their income, or it'll encourage them to make more of their content free and expand their other revenue services. I'm hoping for the latter, and I'l! l bet Peterson does, too - exercising executive power to help poor shmucks like me get more free porn? Can't complain about that!
Sex = Free Rent!
Australia is all abuzz over classified ads offering free rent in exchange for being a sex partner. Me, I roll my eyes over it; the ads are just the manifestation of a Penthouse Letters story, a male fantasy that's unlikely to play out the way they want it to. The women who may truly be that desperate for a place to live won't exactly be the attractive, healthy, cooperative nymphs the horny renters are looking for. They fail to realize that guaranteed sex - even the disease-ridden, emotionally-scarring kind of sex - usually costs much more than a couple hundred bucks of rent each month, and they're going to get what they're paying for.
PORN IS GONE!
First, we learn that the Dutch city of Leeuwarden has a municipal pornography archive - their tax-dollars at work! Next, the horror: the archive has disappeared. Somebody has run off with the government's porn, and they don't think they'll ever get it back. The Netherlands is the awesomest place in the world; too bad there are so many porn thieves.
Condoms: Thrusting Up!
Of all those industries that benefit from the downturn - lawyers, pawn shops, repo guys - one lowly industry is also doing well: condom sales are up! The theory is that people without money to go to a movie or burn for warmth, they're going to stay in and, ahem, "entertain" themselves. Sex is recession-proof!
Men: Not Sex Machines!
WHAT?!? Pop culture's stereotypes have failed me! It seems that sexuality is actually a sweeping curve that touches all possible levels of sexual desire, depending on the individual person, and men can't all be expected to be letcherous fools? This "dark secret of the bedroom" is the topic of an article from the always level-headed Sun, who warns women that your men may have a lower sex drive than you, for various personal and emotional reasons. Absurd! Women need to be lured and tricked into having sex, by men who would fuck anything remotely female to satiate their lust! They do find something to blame, though: men's diminished value to the household. M! en can't possibly enjoy sex when they're not the primary breadwinner and have to spend so much time at work to afford the payments on their subprime mortgage and the rising cost of gas. It's society, ladies - it couldn't possibly be that he just doesn't want to have sex with you.
Zara's Soapy Shower
Zara wants to take a quick shower - just get in, soap down, rinse off, get out. She always forgets: taking a steamy shower like that is always best done slow...
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Kinky Sex: On Rise?
Kinky sex is on the rise! Er, despite being a running joke for as long as I can remember, and depictions of such things going back thousands of years. By "on the rise", I'm sure they mean acceptance or detection is on the rise...even though, in many U.S. states, you can still be arrested for partaking in a lot of sexual fetishes, some with good reason, but others because of evangelical puritanism. The article doesn't say much, but it sure does have some very racy teaser-quotes that hint at the depravity. Sadly, it doesn't actually talk about what any of it means to our society that these fetishes are more socially acceptable - or more socially visible - than they have bee! n in previous years. Ah, American News, is there nothing you love more than fluff articles? (ABC News has had this story in their RSS a couple times in the past day, and always ends up a dead link, but hopefully it'll still work this time.)
38KKK Breasts!
The largest breast augmentation surgery ever has just succeeded in giving Sheyla Hershey a pair of 38KKK breasts. I'm surprised they make implants that big; I imagine the doctor cramming whatever he has at hand into a garbage bag - "toss me a couple more scrubs, and that bag of paper towels...she's just not big enough yet!" According to her website, she still plans to go bigger towards the end of the year. God have mercy on us all.
RIGHT NOW!
Well...OK...but, I mean, Grandma's in the kitchen and Father O'Rourke is sitting right over there, and he'll be done with his coffee in just - okay, okay, stop yelling, we can just go- oh, no time to move to the bedroom. But what if-OKAY! 15 reasons to have sex right fucking NOW, you procrastinating asshole! It's like yesterday's post, but with the oblivious urgency of a coke addict.
Naked Cops + Guns!
It's the premise for the awesomest gay website ever, but it's the kind of story that gets police busted down to a desk job. Swedish cops, normally accustomed to being appreciated for their nudity, were demoted for showing off their AUGs in nude pics taken while celebrating the end of training. The report says a male stripper was also in attendance - and you doubted by best-gay-website-ever declaration!
Sex: Good!
Um, DUH. But, it's nice to, one in a while, remember that sex isn't all pedophiles and white slavery. In fact, there's very little of those, on the scale of things - so, go fuck somebody, make it a good event for both of you, and the world will be a better place. Maybe more, if you do a little spanking, too.
Teens: Porn Lightweights!
A new study shows that teens look at an average of 87 hours of online porn a year: that works out to about 15 minutes a day, every day. I agree that it's wise to start out slow, but, man, they've got a long way to go to catch up with their adult counterparts - by my estimate, the average adult watches 87 hours of online porn a day, or something like that. It's a lot. My sampling may be off, though. The other chunks of teens' online time are devoted to looking at weight loss and personal improvement sites -- and, of course, the article has to swing into the "every stranger on the internet is a pedophile predator", which will only make Mom ban Face! book from her computer, which frees up a teen's time for more online porn, which Mom will blame on Dad. Everybody wins!
A Stormy Senate Race!
What do you do when you need to get some attention? Run a porn star in the senatorial election! What do you do if the candidate you picked doesn't know about it, hasn't acknowledged you, nor ever indicated any interest in running? Run her anyway and write stuff that puts political words in her mouth without her permission! Oh, well: it's better than Al Franken's team did.
Porn Empire For Sale!
UK porn tycoon Paul Raymond passed away, leaving 26 pornographic titles in the lurch. His estate has decided putting the magazines in the hands of a genuine pornographer rather than a solicitor would be the better option. If you've won the lottery lately, $20 million will get you the whole lot. That's less than $800,000 per title, which should keep you in the lucre and boobies for some time.
Will Farrell Penis Genius!
Man, just the hints of what I've heard about Will Farrell's satirical one-man show about Dubya Bush have sounded excellent, but now that I've found out that there's a giant image of his penis in the show, I feel I need to save up for a plane ticket to New York. It has been quite a while since the gonads of any Head of State have been mocked in such a blatant, coarse way, and I intend to applaud loudly.
Sexapalooza!
If you've found yourself somewhere in Ontario...dear god, have mercy on your soul...If you're somewhere in Ontario near London, order up some bangers and mash and take the lift over to the London Convention Center for Sexapalooza this weekend. I think sex has something to do with it. This sex-consumer tradeshow has "stage shows" and "workshops" and "trade floors" and "parking passes" and "shock quotes to make things naughtier"...oh, that last part us just me. Anyhow, here in Bumtouch, Minnesota, we don't get tradeshows like this anywhere nearby. Go with the understanding of just how truly lucky you are.
Oh, Mighty Isis!
I barley remember The Secret of Isis, which was on when I was younger - apparently, the seventies' free-flowing sexuality means that actresses who had performed partly nude in the past made it into children's TV without a sniffle. Silent Porn Star has proof - and we were all excited when the rumour of at he Pink Power Ranger doing softcore porn? That wern't nothing!
Erotic In WI = Tonight!
If you've ended up in Wisconsin...dear god, have mercy on your soul...but, anyhow, if you're in Wisconsin and somewhere near Madison, that last outpost in liberal college atmosphere in an otherwise cow-ridden state, you can head down to Elves Palace and partake in an Erotic Art Show. You will get one of those rare chances to stare at boobies, under the pretense that it's art and you are encouraged to stare as long as it takes to fully appreciate the work. Art fucking rocks.
Phone Sex!
Oooh, yeah, baby, that's just how phone sex works...except I'm the one in the old maternity shirt most of the time, though:
nataliedee.com
The Baseball-Fucking Metaphor
I, of course, was never so juvenile to try and use the baseball metaphor for sexual contact, even though Meatloaf was bringing it to everybody's attention about the time I was starting to actually round the bases. XKCD has a handy reference guide for you, although I think "Eye Contact From Janeane Garofalo" should be much, much closer to the Maginot Line than represented.
The Dirk Diggler Story
Who doesn't like Boogie Nights? The music is pretty much all I have on my iPod. Paul Thomas Anderson, the genius behind Marky Mark's hugemungeous penis, started it all with a short film that became the basis for Boogie Nights, called "The Dirk Diggler Story," available on Google Video: 
Porn Dolls At Publix: Bad!
Nobody's complaining about you having a Real Doll; nobody's complaining about you having sex with the doll; nobody cares where you shop - but if you try and combine the three, people are going to take issue with molesting your sex-dolls in the grocery store parking lot. Police, of course, were called.
Sex = Happy Women!
Studies show that women who are healthy and happy have better sex. Aw, and all this time I thought women with low sex drives were just bitches! The sad thing is, that last statement may be sarcastic from me, but a lot of people believe it, including the low-sex gals. Health, fitness, and emotional well-being are, not surprisingly, tied to sex, because, well, it turns out that women aren't completely disconnected from their sex parts like the robots they're treated as. Oh, wait: the 'study' was sponsored by Proctor and Gamble, because they intend to medicate this "HSDD". So, expect a re-labeled antidepressant/pain-killer/hormone-treatment in the near future, designed to treat your "low sex drive" instead of your actual health issues, that ! your insurance won't cover because there's no generic alternative and because it's sex-related it's not important. Thank god modern medicine wants to help unhappy, sickly women have better sex!
Strippers: No Fun!
When you're a New York Stripper, you get all you need of the city while you're dancing. Blackbook took the time to ask strippers all kinds of the 'flirty Playboy' questions about getting drunk, going to bars, flirting with strangers, etc., and proved that stripping is a fucking job and they don't have time for play. Do they go out to bars and get drunk? Asshole, they work in a bar, if they screw it up they're fired, and when the bars are closed they're going home to relax. The one thing strippers do appreciate? Food. It's sounding like they have their priorities right where they should be: Home's where the heart is, they've found a fun! and profitable profession, and they like good eats.
Caddy Titties
Yeah, there's a whole lotta potential for "hole-in-one" and "ball-washer" jokes, but, I mean, didn't Caddy Shack do it all? Everything else just sounds wrong: Oooh, baby, replace my divots, caddy my bag, and, yeah, I love it when you stick your marker in my green....
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Dad Paints Daughter Nude!
Asylum wants to know: is it creepy for a dad to use his daughter as a nude model? My answer: no, not really: is he having sex with her? Is this some erotic fantasy of his? That would be inappropriate. Appreciating the nude form, as exemplified by his daughter? Not a problem. We westerners get weird when sex and parenting get involved, and this seems so blatantly sexual that we get the creeps. It's sexual for us, not necessarily him. I love the comments from the connected news article: If Li Zhuangping was simply focused on exploiting his attractive offspri! ng, he wouldn't have also painted the tiger nude. Dad's not a tiger, he's not viewing the painting with lust in his eyes. I'm the tiger with a lusty gaze, but that doesn't mean everyone looks upon the painting with the same zeal as a horny tiger.
Rackem Frickidy Frackem Yo!
I'm not usually one to read Nerve, their hipster pretensiousness puts me off, but sometimes funny stuff pops up in my RSS reader, such as dating advice from stand-up comedians. Really, is there anyone more qualified? There's a reason Dr. Drew needed Adam Corolla on the show with him. For example: My boyfriend likes to talk dirty. I don't have anything against it, I just seem to have performance anxiety and have no idea what to say. How do I let go and go for it?
Use Yosemite Sam euphemisms. And shout them out loud! "Johnny, you better rackem frickidy frackem yo diddly dad mo tittily franny tam of a bridily brack!"
It says so much, with so little lecturing: if you're unsure what to say, don't sweat it, say what comes to you, but don't contrive anything, otherwise you sound like a 3-foot-tall moustachioed gunslinger. I was far less entertaining, right? Comics can do anything better.
Boobs are Soft!
I'm aware. From PvP, a funny comic strip that used to be more about video games, but, thankfully, has not so much videogamey crap anymore: 
See Penis, Get $$$!
As you may have heard, one Comcast market got to see thirty seconds of porn for free this past weekend. Rather than it being some torturous pay-channel free-preview, the pornography - to the cable company's horror - instead appeared during the Superbowl. What's Comcast going to do about it? If you were troubled by a porn star's penis, you can file a claim and get $10 for your pain and suffering. Now, if I can start getting rewarded by my cable company for seeing things that cannot be unseen, I'd be fucking rich. I'd like a $50 check for every Tyler Perry commercial I'm subjected to. Damn, that's some painful stuff.
iPod Boobie Speakers
All the office girls have iPod speaker docks on their desks; every damn one of them is geometrically ugly, sounds like crap, and doesn't actually fit their iPods very well...but, well, they spent a hundred or more on a fancy MP3 player, they're going to dress it up how they see fit. Me, I like the one seen below: it's worthy of being a centerpiece of my livingroom, and I can plug in my ten-year-old Diamond Rio into it and rock out...I'd play lots of bass, just to watch those mirrored nipples really go! 
(via)
Missing From Dad Sex Talk
The things Dad forgot to tell you about sex? Hell, my dad didn't say anything to me about sex; Mom did a little, but mostly I'm a product of the pro-sex late seventies school system. I turned out OK, right? Just A Guy Thing fills in the blanks that Dad left out, which, um, I don't think I learned about in sex-ed, either. Sadly, anyone remotely sexually active probably filled in those blanks themselves, so my guess is that JAGT is pandering to their 15-year-old boy audience. "Your penis can explode"? Every teenager wishes they could know such things!
Canada: Pole Dancing Olympics!
Ah, Canada: you may not be orgasming much, but at least you're doing something right. A proprietor in Canada is pushing to get her sport added to the Olympics: pole dancing. As proof that her skills are entirely athletic, she cites the existence of the European Pole Dancing Championships to show that - wait - back the fuck up there - there's a Pole Dancing Championship? Fuck the Olympics: let's expand that to take a week of NBC's broadcast time for everybody to watch! Who cares about archery when there's pole dancing!?
Canadians: Frigid!
What's this? Those free-thinking, socialist-living, friendly-faced Canadians have a problem closing the deal? On average, only about 50% of Canadians achieve orgasm on a regular basis...and guess which half isn't having the orgasms? Yup, the ladies. Come on, Canada: you have legal pot and legal hookers and something other than retarded abstinence-only sex-ed, you must be doing something right!
Erotica Lawyer: Fired!
Oh, well, it was bound to happen: the lawyer who wrote uninspiring, boring prose about sexual escapades in Russia has finally been fired. On one hand, I say, "well, she wrote it under her real name, and went to the press about it, etc., so she drew attention to her employer in it", but if the world was a good place, a person's private life shouldn't matter when it comes to matters of employment. Sadly, in today's world, your entire life and lifestyle are owned by your employer, and just doing a good job isn't enough to keep a job. So, those of you like me, keep up your aliases, continue to express yours! elf, and maybe your employer won't get the chance to go all asshole on you for your hobbies.
The War On Sex
Red Pepper has an adequate, if short, article on Christianity's War on Sex - pointing out something that a lot of sources seem to ignore. The Christian sexuality network is far from anti-sex; they're pro-sex, but twisting it in a way to make their goals towards control achieved. Institutional control over people's bodies swings many ways, they point out the Nazi manipulation of sexuality, and I'll include Italy's "conceive babies to build an army" push during fascism: sex is sex, unless you let someone control it for you...then it becomes something nasty.
Erotic Museum: Bust!
The financial crisis is hitting everyone, including erotic museums. The first to fall: Museum Erotica in Copenhagen has lost some potential investors and teeters on bankruptcy. Unlike the supposed 'porn bailout' in the U.S., the Museum Erotica is, well, a museum, which means it exists largely as a benefit to society at large - doesn't that deserve a bailout? Come on, Sweden, you used to be cool...show the erotic world that you care enough to make sure their museum keeps its doors open.
Check Your Lover's Moles!
The next time you're pawing the gal you love, take a closer look at those freckles and moles. The American Academy of Dermatology, one-upping that stupid "Ticks" tune, is promoting, for Valentines Day, "Screen the One You Love", a cooperative check for skin cancer on your lover. Now, I know that checking a person for cancerous growths is the sexiest thing ever, but I'm retarded that way...still, it's a good idea; I'm always checking Gracie very closely - sometimes with my tongue - for breast lumps, and she's not complaining.
Bangs 200 Men: Hot!
Oh my god - those AdultFriendFinder ads are right: there are hundreds of hot chicks looking for NSA sex online - and here's one! Oh, wait - it's the only one...she's slept with over 200 guys, but that's where the math breaks down. She averaged one guy every five days, over three years, which is barely slutty. For as cute as she is, she must be beating guys off with a stick to average just one every 5 days. Where this lady's stupidity begins to show: you're a cute girl, you're assertive enough to require condoms and things done your way, you want the guys to go away and have nothing to do with them in the future, and you're not cha! rging $500 an hour for the service? Now that's stupid. (via)
Pole Dancing: Win!
In an amazing turn of events, a business in which women are fully clothed and no men watch has been determined not an adult business. "Oh My Your Gorgeous", a pole-dancing school, was prevented from getting a business permit because they were considered an adult business by the local magistrates. Lawsuits later, they have been awarded $75,000 for the city's stupidity. Let's see: that swimsuit shoppe down the street has the potential to cause me an erection, I bet they could use a hundred grand...or that cute chick at Hardee's who flirts with customers? Yeah, she's an adult business, too. And - my god - I tipped a cute waitress more than I usually would - that's downright adult!! All sorts of peripheral aspects of strip clubs abound - my town must be adult business central!
