Iron Man!
Ah, to be Iron Man: flying around the world, beating up terrorists, making millions off your military contracts, and hanging out with porn stars. It's good to be a superhero!
Ah, to be Iron Man: flying around the world, beating up terrorists, making millions off your military contracts, and hanging out with porn stars. It's good to be a superhero!
Not Tonight Panties!
What Would Your Mother Do? is a clothes company putting anti-sex messages onto clothes for teen girls and guys. For example, the "Not Tonight" panties, because once they've been making out long enough that he can read her panties, they're totally going to go, "oh, yeah, this is too far." I'm not one to promote teen sex, but this is totally not the way to discourage it. Their customers are going to consist of two groups: out-of-touch moms who are oblivious to the embarrassment they are unleashing upon their straight-laced daughters, and ironic college students.
Because, seriously, "what would mom do?" If your mom had a hot young body, wasn't married and didn't have kids, was mostly naked with a cute teen or twenty-something, and he asked to have sex, your mom would totally fuck him. What would your mom do? She'd totally do that hot dude. How do you think your mom made you, little girl? By fucking your dad back when he was a hot young guy. Yes, your mom totally rode your dad's cock, reverse-cowboy style, he left a hot, sticky mess in her pussy, and that that's how you came into this world. You're slutty mom and horny dad bumped uglies, got her pregnant, and look at your mom now.
And that, dear readers, is how you discourage teen sex.
Sex Toy Party Fight!
Come on, now, ladies: is this really how to behave at a sex-toy party? The story starts outmoving in the oh-so-right direction - "As the party progressed a woman gave a demonstration of sex toys and women's lingerie while people continued drinking...", which is SUPPOSED to lead into a tale of astronomical orgyness, as Penthouse Letters has reliably taught me. Sadly, it devolved into a huge brawl, and nobody got to buy their overpriced Hoppin-Rabbit ripoff. Seriously, this was no reality-tv-housewives fight of hair-pulling and pulled slaps: one participant a woke up the next day lying in a vacant lot with a broken jaw. That's a hardcore fucking sex-toy home party right there.
Underrated Sex Acts!
I haven't got a fucking thing to add to this list, because this is pretty much the basic how-to for good sex. Hit half of these every time you're getting laid, and disappointment will be far, far away. Most of the time. I love a good titfuck once in a while, so there's always candy letters to still stick in the frosting of the sex cake, or something like that, I don't know, I forgot what I was typing when I got to the titfuck part.
1991 Porn!
This just makes me feel old - in 1991 I was running a BBS out of my apartment in the Cities, complete with u/d quotas in WWIV on my 286. Was that really 20 fucking years ago? Jesus, online porn really does waste your life away. Too bad I messed it up with a degree and a career and shit. Anyhow, Violet Blue remembers the horrible scourge of online pornography from the year 1991, which means that you parents out there freaking out about your kids and online porn, you were just as big a pornhoarder at 14.4K, so get over it. You, BBSers of 1991, had the benefit of parents who had no clue what was on the computer and nobody was advertising 'porn addiction counseling'. Today, everybody's so worried about porn you can't shake a stick without hitting somebody who thinks that everyone else masturbates too much. Such a sad world. 1991, LORD, xmodem, and bigass long distance bills for Fidonet were an idyllic and pastoral world for online porn that are lost forever. Hold on, my three torrents of Sweet Honey Holes I, II, and IV just finished; sadly, nobody's seeding III.
Band Sluts!
There's plenty of ways to tell if somebody is a huge slut: tattoo placement, reputation, sticking her hand down your pants without an invitation...but sometimes you need a simple way to tell. Ask her what her favorite band is, and that'll tell you a lot. At the top of the promiscumeter: Nirvana and Metallica, which probably mostly means thirty-something middle-managers who like to get her freak on after hours. I can totally roll with that, no problems here. The least slutty? Coldplay, Adele, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry, and Kings of Leon. The those middle three are easy to explain: the only people who answer them are 14 and wishing they were wild in a safe and secure way. The Coldplay and Kings of Leon fans are married and trying to make sure they show up at church a couple times a month so nobody starts to wonder. As for me, send of the Gorillaz and Daft Punk babes: they're twenty-something, they rank high on the promiscumeter, and they're probably worth talking to, too.
Grandad's Sexy Boots!
Following the trend of boot companies looking to feed the hipster market, Dayton Boots are going edgy with their ads. Which is too bad, because the boots are actually nice looking, but without steeltoes and with a pricetag of several hundred, fashion is their goal more than selling workboots. Just look at their testimonial page: Their customers play gigs, ride motorcycles, perform in historical reproductions as a blacksmith, and perform the duties of a "mens stylist". In other words, Dayton's ads should tell you that they used to be a kickass boot company, now they want you to look retro while you're flirting with that chick with the tattoo sleeves.
Condom Disgust!
Jesus christ, lady, it's not that bad, is it? There comes a time in everybody's life to learn how to put on a condom, and just because you're a 2nd year college student doesn't make it too late. Just don't make that face when putting a rubber on a real human dick: he can see you. Oh, and pinching a hole in the tip with your fingernails will just get you pregnant, ahmjustsayin'.
Tax Domme!
Got your taxes in? It's the day! And who should you have called? Lori the Tax Domme, who helps sex workers get their maximum return. Think JacksonHewitt without the soul-crushing fees, but still willing to step on your balls for a while. If you didn't partake in her services this year, keep her in mind for next year. Gotta deduct whoopie cushions somehow. Via.
Shitty Glasses!
OK, people, this is why the fashion world needs to step back and ask themselves: am I producing weird for weird's sake, or am I producing something of value? If you're talking about the glasses below, you're fucking with a functional and attractive piece of fashion and making it impractical and shitty. Quasi-blinders, really, Ketevane Maissaia? Encouraging people to strap something on that not only interferes with peripheral vision, but juts forward to make sure it's always interfering with peripheral vision. Oh, and just in case the distraction wasn't enough, let's add parts that brush against your cheek all the time and chafe because people's ears move when they talk. It's like he designed something without looking at how people use fashion - but, hell, that's par for the course with haute couture shit like this. Who gives a fuck if anybody wants to look like a moron, its rare and unique and expensive, so it must be good. OK, fashion designers are only part of the problem: anyone who'd actually buy and wear a piece of shit like these glasses is equally culpable. Assholes, all of them.
Wank Myths!
Masturbating is full of myths, which most people figure out by the time they're 15, but there's some virginal people who manage to convince themselves long into adulthood that selflove is a bad thing. Don't worry, though - at least you figured it out eventually. Just don't be one of those people who lies to themselves to justify it. Hypocracy will not be tolerated, people.
Wild Sex Makes Babies!
Want to get pregnant? Have wild sex. The studies show that, if you're really enjoying sex, you're more likely to get pregnant. This further proves that God is an asshole. So, everybody, if you want to avoid pregnancy, have more mediocre sex. It's not just sperm counts, though: sexually stimulating the female helps her get pregnant too, because "Danish researchers found that sows who are sexually stimulated by humans during artificial insemination had a 6% increase in fertility." Calling Danish women 'sows' seems kind of rude, there, Dutch researchers.
Wolf Knife!
The perfect gift for a 15-year old is, of course, a knife. But not just any knife, though - the kind of knife that gives the wielder the power of three wolves. Then the 15-year-old will pass it on, completing the Circle Of Wolves, a tradition dating back millenia. Or, he'll just make a joke of it that'll last the better part of a decade. Either way, it's full of win.
Sasha Grey Retiring!
Wonderful news: Sasha Grey is putting porn behind her. The fact that most of the media is saying, "finally, she can give up the crappy job she once had because she has finally made it", but most of the media hasn't really seen Sasha Grey's porn. She could live nicely for quite a while doing that, but porn doesn't last forever either. The fact that she's going mainstream shows she understands the limitations of her previous career and is investing herself into something new, two rather noble acts. To compliment her on putting porn in the rearview is like shaking a retired football player's hand and saying, "congratulations on owning that chain of gyms -- a lot better than playing some stupid game all day, right? Be you're glad you're done with that." Nobody gives a shit when somebody moves from one job to another on the High School Guidance Counselor Approved list; Grey should be congratulated for expanding her horizons and growing professionally, not because its assumed she's escaping something horrible. Thumbs up!
Subwoofer Shredder!
If having blood running out of your ears isn't enough of a clue that you're stereo is too goddamned loud, just open up the side and shove a phonebook in there. The resulting confetti will make Farkers go, "jesus christ, now how is he going tolook up the number for the pizza place?"
Must Fuck!
On Valentine's Day, women lamented having to fuck their men. Now, having to fuck somebody just because it's written on the calendar is fucking stupid, but if you're not having sex often enough that that 'special day' is the only time you're doing it - a birthday fuck is the least of your troubles. Seriously, nobody has ever cried because nobody fucked them on their birthday; they felt bad because they don't get to fuck any day, either. Last year, I was given a titfuck for my birthday; one of my favorite things, but I had hurt my back earlier that week, and we couldn't find the Astroglide, so it was not the most ideal experience. Next time, obligated sex will be negotiated first. If one person isn't feeling it, postponment is more than allowable. Don't get hung up on the calendar.
15-Minute Orgasm!
Hey, guys! Some guy who just wrote a book gave a woman a 15-minute orgasm, and Cosmo's certain that it'll work for every woman in the whole world. Now, sure, there's millenia of sexual experience in humans, and an enormous amount of research, both individual and institutional, into what causes or impedes a woman's orgasm and nobody has come up with the solution - but this guy finally figured it out. President Obama should give this guy a fucking medal for it, and then get the guy working on clean coal and world peace. (psst - don't anybody tell him about the Hitachi, he'll feel inadequate.)
Men Dress Wives!
Holy fuck, just look at her. The Daily Mail asked men to give their wives makeovers, and show us how the men dressed their best gals. She's all dressed frumpy, and that bow thing in her hair, jesus christ! Is she wearing Star Wars boxers outside her pants? Hasn't her boyfriend ever seen a wom- oh, that's the "before" photo. She's dead sexy when her bf dressed her up. Note her response to her 'new look': "I want to cry. I look like one of those women who trawl nightclubs," which means her boyfriend either needs to head for the hills or start saving up for therapy. Weird body-image issues - and, get this, she's a fashion assistant. I've known fashion designers (those goth-geeks in college, remember?) and they all dressed crappy, too, but just wait until the models she works with hears what she thinks about how they dress.
Froot Loops!
OK, whoever blew his load on Sadie's back should check his glucose levels; his sugars are so high he came froot loops.
Hasselblad Pinhole Camera!
I've been wanting a Hasselblad body for a while, but they're so damn expensive. Thankfully, somebody has made one you can print out and assemble. It's only a pinhole camera, but if you're the artsy kind of dork who'll print out a hasselblad and take pinhole pictures, it's perfect for you.
Silenzium On Rammstein!
Boy, the Novosibirsk Philharmonic Society can really put out those metal hair bands, right? This trio are Russian, and their music sounds just as angry as you'd expect. Oh, and its fucking awesome - the link below has them performing Rammstein. Apparently, they also do Metallica, Korn, and the most metal band of them all, Queen. And, whadayaknow: according to Wikipedia, the genre is called "cello rock". See also: Rasputina, also a favorite of my gothy-artsy college friends.
