Devil Worshippers!
I don't even know where to begin; this must be the UK's version of The Onion. Look out - satan worshippers are trying to recruit your kids! And by satan-worshippers, they mean Crowley's O.T.O., which has nothing to do with the Devil, but they had a sexy picture of Peaches Geldorf so that must be it. Strangely, they take the word of a "white witch" that satanists are trying to steal your children, which is a weird authority on Satan. Kabbalists are a better authority on Satan than pagans are, really, so Madonna should have been their go-to expert on the Devil. But - FEAR! MORTALS! - you gotta make sure people are terrified, and nothing's more terrifying than the attention-starved child of a famous musician joining a trendy religious organization.
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Latex Alien Suit!
DeviantArt's Latex Kittie is an expert in latex bodysuit designs, and below you can see her attempt at an Alien from Alien. Success? I'm not so sure; it looks far less like Gieger, and more like, well, boobs and balloons. Not that there's anything wrong with that; I'm sure the customer interested in this costume isn't the kind that fumes over mixing up Han's blaster from New Hope with the one in Empire Strikes Back. One you commit to being a latex dominatrix xenomorph, your goals are not cinematically driven.
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Porn Parody Dude!
One of the culprits behind all those porn parodies flooding the adult video market did an AMA at Reddit, and disclosed his secrets. Namely, he's a screenwriter trying to make entertaining art. HOW DARE HE, doesn't he understand that this is PORN?!? There's no room for creativity and originality in porn. But, apparently he's the guy behind the American Horror Story parody "American Whore Story", which apparently has witches doing sex magic, so at least he'll be remembered for something.
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Men's Pantyhose!
I almost put this under "fashion", but there's nothing fashionable about pantyhose with a penis reservoir. Really? Like, thousands of other styles of men's undergarments that don't have a penis-pocket, but THESE, yes, here's where we realize it's needed. My guess is this is some 4chan/b3ta prank that got released to the wild; I can't imagine this being comfortable or pleasurable, unless you're a crossdresser who just needs his penis 'out there'. Otherwise, when else do you want to look like a woman with an uncircumcised penis from the waist down? I mean, that only crosses my mind every couple months, not often enough to warrant buying special clothing for it.
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Duck Jacket!
I put a fashion category on this site because I abhor most other men's fashion blogs. The effeminite hipster-rapper look is not me. But, having the aesthetic and character of Ron Swanson means I am unable to gush about the things I do like, and have little first-hand opinion of clothing which I do not own, which is why posts have slowly tapered off. I may have to come up with a new method of posting men's fashion, but here's something I've put on my wish-list, a light duck jacket that's new from Carharrt, because I continue to ruin my leather jackets by wearing them while I work, so I need one of these. So there you go.
Vinyl Still Growing!
As we've noted just a couple months ago, vinyl sales continue to climb, this time with info from the UK, which has hit a half a million in vinyl sales for the first time in a decade. Yeah, that's only 1%, but that's doing a lot better than tapes, Minidiscs, reel-to-reel, 8-Track, and wax cylinder combined. One dumb statistic: almost 4% of vinyl purchasers admit to not owning a turntable, which means hipsters have spread to the British Isles already.
Via., album here
Hitachi Magic Wand!
The Hitachi Magic Wand has been the Cadillac of vibrating sex toys for decades, and there's some news about the toy: first, The 2013 Sex Awards has given the Hitachi their "Favorite Sex Toy for Women" award. Duh-freakin'-DUH. But, what I learned from this is that Hitachi is no longer making this epic piece of mankind's innovative spirit. It is now made by a company called Vibratex, and it's just called The Magic Wand and it sounds like they're going to make some improvements. I'm not sure they realize that a lot of women just call it their "Hitachi", and by dropping that from the name they give it the more ungainly part of the name. Eh, I doubt it's going to stop anyone from using it: most women would chose the Hitachi -- sorry -- Magic Wand over their lover if given a chance, and without the slightest hint of ironic or self-deprecating laugh. They take their Hitachi seriously.
Porniest Ever!
It's official: this is the porniest year ever. At least in the movie theater, and at least as long as that writer can remember. Because, if you'll recall, back in 1972 an actual porn movie was the biggest hit in movie theaters. But, who's counting? It's also surprising that there's a lot of movies about porn already, we're just entering a halcyon time where they constitute a larger part of our film-watching experience than before.
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Carrot Dating!
There's a new online dating app out there, and it's called Carrot Dating. It's Suggar-Daddy-Lite, giving women gifts to get "things" in return, which amounts to bribery at its base and prostitution at its awesomest level. Yet again, the media comes out waving the banner of "we must protect our women from being taken advantage of!" but what they seem to miss is that nearly everyone (except some really stupid women) know exactly what they're doing when they participate in this website. They act like Carrot Dating randomly forces wholesome, virginal women to respond to these horrible dating inquiries. Any woman who gets so far into membership at Carrot Dating before she realizes how it works is probably only barely capable of using a mouse in the first place, so there's more to worry about her than online dating and this is the only electronic carrot she should be following.
World Vasectomy Day!
Hey, everybody, it's World Vasectomy Day! Oprah's walking through the streets with a pair of Fiskers yelling, "YOU GET A VASECTOMY, AND YOU GET A VASECTOMY, EVERYONE GETS A VASECTOMY!" No, not really, it's just that getting out the awareness of getting snipped is a good thing. Just don't chew on it, otherwise the doc will make you wear a cone. They're even doing vasectomies live online, in case you wanna watch.
Spendy Sexologist!
Here's good work to have if you can get it: Sexologist Megan Andelloux was paid $1600 to talk to students about sex at University of New Hampshire, plus incidental costs. Not bad, not bad -- but what is bad is that the newspaper considered this news. No, not that a sex expert was informing students, or that there's any sort of need for this sort of information, but that it was expensive. What are the other speaker fees, how's Megan compare? The tone and formatting of the article seems to imply that the money was less of an issue than the fact that people played with strap-on dildos. Nice, news-collecting, there, New Hampshire Union Leader.
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Reign Twiddling!
The CW has edited a recent episode of Reign, because, in between the two sex scenes, a girl starts to masturbate, and that was too much. Sure, two people fuck right before that scene, and that scene leads into an extramarital sex scene, but -- WOAH -- she's touching her soft parts! So, while it's wise to edit a teen drama to exclude safe, disease- and pregnancy-free masturbation, be sure to include the part where the girl gets horny and fucks the first person to stop by. That's responsible editing. Dumb TV. So, here: watch some women touch each other, which is probably more OK than one woman touching herself for some stupid reason.
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Penis Size Bullshit!
Here's some news, guys: your penis anxiety is all in your head. OK, yeah, women do say penis size matters in bed, but the study shows that men are far more freaked out about it than is relevant to extracurricular activities. Yeah, I'm huge as hell, but now I know I need to stop worrying about it. Ah, that is a big weight off my shoulders.
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Penis Beaker!
Towels by the bed, sure. Condoms and lube in the drawer, fine. But some lady has a beaker of water for penis-cleaning nearby, and a parenting blog loses its shit. OK, fine, if that's the craziest sex thing people have in their room, whatever, but those disposable butt wipes are fucking perfect for this. Pour out your gross penis-water, wipe up hygenically.
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Dirty Liars!
Every god damned one of you is a fucking liar. Only 12% of people admit to watching porn, which obviously it's more like 110%, since the Bible Belt does such a good job of even lying to themselves about their porn use. Just be honest, people, and there won't be such a stigma to it. Literally, like, 100% of men have or are currently watching porn, so 88% are making Baby Jesus cry by lying. Stop making Baby Jesus cry and admit to the huge amount of porn you partake of, and the world will be a better place. See, even fucking kittens love porn:
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Flower Farters Eight!
It has been a while, so I thought maybe the fad had passed: no, flowers stuck in women's asses still seems to be a thing. That unconscious desire for men to believe women's asses are akin to a flower is alive and well in the porn world.
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Free Vibrators!
Now that the Federal shutdown is in its second week, all those IRS tax collectors, National Park rangers, Head Start teachers, and all other sorts of people furloughed are getting very, very bored. Sex toy store Vibrators.com wants to help with this: they're giving away free sex toys to laid-off Federal workers during the shutdown. I guess if Congress is going to tell Federal employees to go fuck themselves like this, it may as well be done with a fine sexual masturbatory aid.
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Super Smutty Sign Language!
Ever wonder what deaf people are saying in deaf people porn? What, don't you watch a lot of deaf porn? You should, really. Anyways, Topless Robot has brought to my attention an aspiring author decided to write a book of sign language swear words.
Handcuff Cufflink Key!
The perfect accoutrement for the man who is both stylish and likely to get into trouble. Sparrow Lockpicks offers several different styles of cufflinks that unhook all sorts of cuffs - including handcuffs. I suppose if you were ever actually sitting in the back of a police car while dressed so nice, putting these to use is probably not the best idea for preserving your freedom. However, if you're the type who uses handcuffs for recreational purposes but often loses the key, now they'll be easily accessible whenever you're wearing your suitcoat.
Slim Goodbody OnePiece!
I know, I'm in the minority, but I never really found Slim Goodbody all that sexy. However, if you've got boobs and want that Goodbody good body look, Black Milk Clothing has the 'dem guts' swimsuit for you. They've got bunches of Halloweeny elasticized clothing for you, so order now if you want guys staring at your spleen at the pool, ladies.
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Porn At Work!
Some website called 'qumu' (who are apparently scraping the bottom of the barrel for 4-letter .com domains) did a survey of the types of video people watch at work. Now, first of all, if you have enough time to watch video at work, you need to get the fuck back to work you lazy shit and stop watching videos at your desk. Anyhow, Qumu found that it's not just cat videos or Tina Fey's nip-slip: they found that three percent of workers watch porn at their desk. That's one out of every thirty - which makes me wonder what businesses don't have some sort of NetNanny installed on their network. And what fun is watching porn without masturbating? Now you're stuck with a stiffy and you need to answer the phone because Dale in accounting has a question about your expense reports. There's no better way to make your afternoon unhappy than to experience this scenario, and I speak from experience. Wait till you get home to watch porn, work at work, and everything will go much smoother for you.
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Porn Brain!
Porn lovers, there's a problem: your brain is porn-addled. Like anything that causes a dopamine flush, your brain will adapt to prefer that stimulus. May it be cocaine, or porn, or exercise, or skydiving, your brain is messed up on it. Of course, the article makes it sound like porn falls on the cocaine side of the line, but, being a genuine human bodily response to a stimulus that's already built-in, porn is less to blame than the awesomeness of the orgasm. Also, whoever wrote this article seems to think that BDSM and degrading women sexually is something new. My guess is he just found Hustler.com, but never bothered to actually read a Hustler from the 70s. Or any erotic stories from 18th century France. What it comes down to is: if you really, really enjoy something at a carnal level, it's going to modify your dopamine response, which makes your brain look different on a scan, so moderate, people.
