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Tit Cookie Service!

"Excuse me, sir, if you're done I can take your plate...and may I direct my attention to our dessert tits for examples of our fine baked goods, if you wish to order dessert."

"No, I'm good, thanks."

Then I notice the "Get a free dessert if I don't offer you the tit cookies" pin on her smock. Free boobie cookies, yeah, but I've seen better boob-served cookies at other restaurants. These fads take off and then everybody's serving shit on tits in diners and McDonalds and whatnot.

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Merkins! Merkins! Merkins!

When I was in college, "merkin" was what the gothy-artsy chicks would mention in conversation to make those not-in-the-know look confused, and make those who were familiar with the term giggle and blush. We were all totally grown-ups, I know. Anyhow, merkins aren't just a anti-plague mechanism anymore: merkins show up in films because actresses are shaved as clean as the day they were born for some stupid reason. Like when they were cast they didn't know there would be a nude scene? Stay away from the brazilian-wax salon for a month, for crying out loud. Actors gain weight and workout to fit their characters bodytype all the time, you divas can life with being bushy for a while. Merkins - bah!

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Bouncy Bouncy!

There are tits, and then there are BOOBS! and that young lady down here totally has some goddamn BOOBS! This was originally found here, and I have no fucking idea what it means. I just can't stop watching it.


(Apologies to the original, I reformatted it to get rid of the seizure-inducing wiggles.)

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Pole Dancing Fer Jesus!

Adding "For Jesus" makes everything pure. Everyday I go to work and do a good job...For Jesus! I shop at my local grocery store...For Jesus! My dog just took a huge dump in the yard...For Jesus! And, in Texas - home to the most liberal and progressive society known to man - the only way you're going to learn how to pole dance is to do it...For Jesus! The program, called "Pole Fitness for Jesus", is done on Sundays and is performed to Christian music and the teacher is keeping Kosher by not accepting payment on the Sabbath, so it's the purest fucking form of performed sexuality known to man. And if you have a problem with it - fuck you, the teacher says it's un-Christian to judge! So, ladies, grab that pole and think of God, you're doing Jesus' work.

Blonde Foamy Bath!

What are you doing back there, she asked. Just watching, I said. My cock was rock hard, but I wouldn't let her know that; her pussy was soaked, but she wouldn't let me know that. The denial still had a while to go: she still had to wash her hair.

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Pornstar Graffiti Artist!

Pornstar Kylie Ireland has taken up graffiti art under the moniker "DeeKay", in addition to her photography of vintage hotels and graffiti photography for for BombedOutLA. Being a pornstar, meh, but a pornstar redhead photographer and street artist? Awesomest stranger on the internet fucking ever.

Spiky Penis Evolution!

Ladies, thank your lucky fucking stars that evolution worked the way it did. SCIENCE! tells us that humans, like most primates and many mammals, would have spiky, barbed penises, except that we happily evolved beyond vaginal ripping. If you thought penises were oddly hairy enough as it is, you have no clue just how bad it could have been. In fact, we've evolved beyond any sharp, spiky hairs, including sensitive whiskers, which is why I'm always trying to stick my head into openings that are too small. Sure, my head gets stuck between the railings more often, but sex is far less brutal and bloody, so I guess you win some, you lose some.

Carhartt Clothes!

Carhartt has announced their 2011 spring/summer fashion line, and it's deightfully classic in style. The jackets, in particular, are pretty awesome - there's the denim one below, and a camel cold-weather coat that I couldn't find on their website. The jeans aren't too bad either. Too many vintage-style tees, but, hey, at least they'll let you tell who the hipsters are. Note that the 'Freshness' link below has four pages.


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Zombie Control!

There are days when you walk out your front door and you don't see the most happy thing in the world. Your car with a dinged door. SWAT team taking up positions. Flock of rabid fruitbats hanging from your roof. I can deal with those, but if this truck is parked anywhere nearby, my shotgun and I are heading for the fucking hills:

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Ugly Fucking Runway Fashion!

Whadda ya know - I agree with Cosmo for once. Fashion Week is producing some shitty styles for men, and Cosmo hopes they won't take off. Especially the Disneyland Boobhat seen below, but anything which encourages spandex leggings sucks shit too. I mean, what the fuck, Fashion World? Do you honestly think women will find men attractive if we dress like this? Jesus christ.

Hooker Condom Use Up!

Good news for proponents of safe sex: condom use with prostitutes is at an all-time high. In motherfucking Bangkok, that is. In a town with a reputation for anything-goes sex, 95% of respondents used condoms with prostitutes, 65% with non-hooker strangers, and a third with their regular partners. Worldwide, the average is under 80% - which also mentions Thailand's 100% condom use goal. It's kinda nice when a government steps up to protect it's hardworking citizens from hazards of their jobs.

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Penis Size Map!

Disinfo has plotted out average penis size numbers on a map, so that we northern-Europeans can feel bad that we weren't born in more Equatorial climates. It seems that the tropical regions grow everything bigger, including cocks. Well, except for the further east you go; sorry Asian countries. The color ranges are calculated in centimeters, with the top maxing out at about seven inches, and I'm already over the top, so no worries here. Motherfucking averages, how do they work? They work in my goddamned favor, thank you very much. Via.

Dot-XXX Rethinking!

Initially, I was thinking an .xxx domain name would be pretty cool, and then this week it was approved by ICANN. What I hadn't thought of, however, was the 'scarlet letter' aspect of it all. My .com address puts my sexy sex stuff in the same universe as Toyota and Amazon and the Republican Party, and an exile to the XXX domain pretty much admits I'm not of the same calibre as regular internet sites. Plus, then where does policing start - if I have adult content, will I be required to have an .xxx? Will DNS servers stop querying the TLD XXX server as a form of censorship? And, of course, when I actually get around to getting an .xxx domain, all the good ones will be taken already anyways. I think I'll stay right here in dot-com land, and the XXX can be for the companies who'd rather they stayed in their own little world.

Temporary Lesbian Data!

Sadly, gentlemen, women aren't temporary lesbians during college, at least not as much as weak jokes in teen comedies would like you to believe. The report is from the CDC, which is full of a bunch of other tidbits. For example, 13% of women have had same-sex encounters, and women who had higher numbers of sex partners reported higher - 20%! - instances of lesbian encounters. It appears that college isn't at fault for the stereotype. Rather, it's the slutty, slutty women attending college. Glad I could sort that out for you, and the report is full of fun statistics, so go have a read.

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Garmin Busey!

I have Garmin talking turn-by-turn navigation on my phone, which is handy from time to time, but I'll be the last person to wish it talked more or sounded different. People who wish their navigation box be more forthcoming can download Navtones - the premier edition of which, I'm sure, is FUCKING GARY BUSEY. Seriously, click the sound sample on the Navtones webpage. He honks like a goose. The audio navigation was designed to avoid the distration of trying to read something on a tiny screen while driving, and they hired Gary Busey to completely undo that feature. If you were to download the sounds and put them on 'shuffle', it would be indistinguishable from inviting the real Busey to your party. "Turn Left, and don't pet the lions!" "BOING BOING CALCULATING NEW ROUTE, MAN, HEED MY WORDS NEXT TIME." Hopefully Navtones deleted all the samples of him just making "ABLOOGBAAANNNALALALA" noises. On second though, I hope those are included. There are days that I hope my drive from home to the Blockbuster Video consists of an uninterrupted constant stream of Gary Busey noise. It'll help me practice my zen koans. Via.

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Sad Etsy Boyfriends!

Poor, poor Etsy-seller boyfriends. Sure, she wears cat-eye glasses and likes the Decembrists and is an alternate on the roller derby, so of course you thought she's be the best girlfriend ever. Then you learn she crochets, and then one night, while you're both watching Power Rangers for the ironic sensibilities of it all, she holds out the cap she just finished and tells you to put it on. With the zap of a camera flash, you have now been immortalized as the guy with the dinosaur hat on Regretsy. Is the crazy-chick sex really worth it? IS IT???


Cora Knits Boobs!

Sometimes, when you've got a talent, you need to use it to help people. When Cora's knitting group's plan to help new parents by knitting things, Cora shook things up by going off the beaten path. While everyone else is knitting onesies and and tuques, Cora is knitting tits. You may be surprised: knitting boobs isn't all that uncommon at all, which makes me mad that everyone has overlooked the most fucking obvious Christmas gift for me. Seriously, people: warm cozy breasts are my most favorite thing in the world, and I want to fill a McDonaldsland ball-pit with them and just spend the rest of my life in there. Is that so much to ask?


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Random Email Boobs!

I rarely ever actually see spam, thanks to software that's so much smarter than me, so it's a surprise when something slips through, and then there's the extra bonus of getting surprise random email boobs!

She wants me to email her so she can "answer back with my private images." I'll pass, sorry "ANGEL", if that is your real name.

Portland: Full of Whores!

Portland is full of hippies and hipsters, of course, so it should be no surprise that The Portland Mercury has discovered that local people fuck like tripping bunnies. But, we all know that the people who respond to altweekly sex surveys just want to show off, those fucking showoffs. Those who most love showing off: married women. They couldn't stop talking about how much cocksucking they do. Unfortunately, 80% of Portland's married men are now wondering, since it's not them, whose dicks are getting sucked. So much marital strife due to a cute sex survey - I hope you're happy now, Portland Mercury.

Big Boy Prostate Massager!

Maybe I'm reading in the wrong places, but there's just not a lot of talk about vibrators for men. Pumps and fleshlights, shit yeah, but not the male analog of the hoppin' rabbit. Those go under the analytical name "prostate massager", and my guess Reason #1 is because it goes in the butt, people are squicky about it. I'll even admit: years ago I used a regular vibe on my prostate, and it was awesome, but it's still a bit embarrassed to admit it. The awesomness of it should disperse the embarrassment, so here I am, telling you guys to try it sometime. Reason #2 people aren't talking about them: they're fucking Scary looking. I'm talking about it today because it came across my newsreader that UK company Rocks-Off has a new one called the Big Boy

Now, before you shit yourself in fear, they've got two smaller versions, the Rude Boy and the Naughty Boy, but I doubt they made the bigger version simply to disappoint people. Now, the #3 Reason people probably aren't talking about it is because they think that butt play is gay. Seriously, guys, gay is about sexual attraction to men - give your favorite woman the vibe, show her how to use it on you, and then let her go to town. Then you tell me how gay it is, I'm just sayin'.

Life Insurance Titties!

See, Europe, this is why you're so awesome. Over here in the United States, we have small talking geckos, the ever-so-sexy Progressive Flo, and, er, the ever-so-sexy Allstate Mayhem. You, now, you take your stuffy monolithic insurance companies like Allianz, and then you paint their logo all over some naked women. This is why your society is so much more advanced than the Americas. Titties can sell anything, including insurance. When I'm hearing the pitch for stop-loss hospital coverage for my self-insured small business, I totally want to be looking at fine Euro boobs while it happens.


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Sex Is Keeping You Alive!

I can't fucking watch TV without some commercial telling me that I need to take their medication otherwise I'm going to die a painful death. You know what else helps prevent a painful death? FUCKING. According to recent studies, sexual intercourse improves blood pressure, reduces heart disease, improves mood, expands vocabulary, alters the fabric of space and time, gives people the power of telepathy, and ensures prompt service at Burger King. I didn't read the whole article, I'm just making assumptions on some of those things. Still, for all the "sex kills, use a condom", keep in mind: having sex isn't just dodging a bullet, it's good for you, god damn it.

Fallout Shelters!

Hey, there, West Coast: looking forward to a rain of radioactive isotopes blown by the trade winds from Japan? The 1960s knew exactly what to do about it: they built fallout shelters in their basements. Simple enough for a weekend project, and if you're looking forward to the inevitable, you might want to build a permanent one for when everything goes to hell anyway.

Army Harley!

Now this is a Harley designed for ass-kicking. The MT500 is a military-grade Harley-Davidson, made through the 90s and into the 2000s, and they turn up on the market every so often, like this one that's on eBay right now for a few grand. Honestly, I really like the flat olive drab, and it looks like it fell out of Robotech, which makes geeks like me drool a bit.


Calling Spacemen!

The seventies were downright fucked up, and not just because of Disco. In 1976, a progrock group wrote this "anthem for World Contact Day", as the song to welcome aliens to planet Earth. Not content to leave the song in the hands of LSD-dropping economics majors, The Carpenters did the version below. I was pretty young, but think to yourself: you've got the mainstreamiest, white-breadiest of groups singing not just about - but directly to - alien spacecraft that are coming to our planet in peace. It's like when you learned that the My Name Is Earl guy is a scientologist: you just can't see where it was that things made a left turn into crazyville. Here you go:

No Facebook Oral Sex!

Sorry, sexy Facebookers: Facebook thinks oral sex is way too sexy-sex for Facebook friends. What's a little cunnilingus between friends, anyway? I guess Facebook is just for underaged girls to post sexy pictures of themselves, and for people to hook up with people they haven't seen from highschool, two entirely wholesome aspects of online culture. Wouldn't want people to learn anything akin to sexual education online, would we Facebook?

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Reasonable Emilio Estevez!

This is probably the only Charlie Sheen thing I'm going to talk about in the near future, until he's actually IN porn or something. In fact, it's not really about Sheen, anyhow. It's about his nice, sweet half-brother who has to account for the fact that he shares his genes with Sheen. Crazy part at the top, more reasonable at the bottom, laughter all the way through.

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1870s Prostitute Guide!

If you're ever time travelling, fucking your way through the centuries, the New York Times has your back: they've found a guide to New York whorehouses from 1870, complete with addresses and thumbs-up and thumbs-down, plus advice on how not to get fucked over in the process. There's even an interactive guide - purely for historical purposes, of course. Bro Bible has some more analysis, for those inclined to take advice from bros about hos.

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Sexy Things That Aren't Sexy!

Abby Spector at Em and Lo have a list of things that are supposed to be sexy that aren't really sexy. Unlike most sex-site lists, I can say that I pretty much agree with everything. High heels are kinda sexy, but lack of them is not unsexy. Virginity? How fun can it be to be with somebody who doesn't know anything? However: older men being unsexy? That totally crushes my chances for fucking a twenty-something any time soon. Back to trolling the bingo halls, I guess. The only one I don't understand whatsoever: bleached assholes. I have led a sheltered life, because I have no idea what this is or how it is done, and I'd prefer to keep it that way.

La Boite!

Computer audio has always felt behind the audiophile curve, probably largely because MP3s are generally crappy compared to analog or (shudder) CDs, but with FLAC and improved processors, quality is impressing even the pickiest of listeners. To compliment the higher quality audio we expect from your computers, Hunting and Collecting has "La Boite", a concept audio station for docking your laptop. Rather than relying on the crappy chip in the laptop, La Boite has a USB connection and its own audio chipset, along with audiophile-grade parts, to make it a competitor for space in your listening room. Plus, if you get totally high listening to Pink Floyd while lying on the floor, it totally looks like a giant spider is standing right over you:


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Boob Squeeze Bra!

Thanks to this new invention from China, the amount of clevage you display is variable, ladies. With a slight tug on the strings, your sweater puppies can go from "au naturale" to "subway rush-hour packed" in just seconds. Purple check-mark indeed!

Warning! video contains numerous views of women's breasts being squeezed together by lacy things. Make sure you've got an hour or so open in your afternoon before you start watching it.

Big Russian Hat!

The hat says, "We have ways of making you talk, tovarish - Pavel, get the battery cables!" but the tits say, "the Cold War is over, tovarish, let's get warm." I grew up in a time of Russian fear, but I can't help but want to hold her close; if the USSR had figured this out decades ago, they would have had a powerful weapon of mass distraction -- U.S. snipers would be too busy whacking off to see all those bright red hats against the white snow.

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More Phone Testicles!

Your iPhone needs balls? Yes, somebody thinks your phone needs balls. Those truck testicles were mildly amusing the first time I saw, it's a little played out to attach two tiny testicles to every little piece of electronics you own. Seriously, with these, every time you talk on the phone Apple's balls are going be bouncing off your chin. You know, just like any other time you buy Apple's shit. Three grand for a laptop? Seriously, drop to your knees and deepthroat goddamn Steve Jobs already. BTW, the iPad II is out, so those of you who spent $600 six months ago got screwed. Maybe your iPad can teabag your stupid face next time you're trying to load a Flash website. via.

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Playing Cowboys and Indians!

Yes, the Indian and the Cowboy below are gonna do all the nasty, nasty things you're expecting, which isn't my problem. As somebody who grew up on or near an indian reservation, I've been raised that both of these stereotypes have racist undertones that make me queasy. The "indian" however, is so fucking cute that I'll only cry a little while masturbating to their dirty, dirty lesbian sex.

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Community Porn!

Although few porn parodies give me any sexual satisfaction, I may have to revise my predilections. They're pornin' up Community, and unlike most porn parodies they're going to have trouble finding anyone sexier than Annie or Britta. Just fucking look at her. Community is practically porn for nerdy guys anyway, I don't know how an actual porn film will do any better.

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Porn Fund Sex Ed!

Remember the politician who inadvertently expensed her husband's porn viewing habit? She now has an idea: tax pornography to fund sex ed, safe sex, and relationship counseling. In the US, states use cigarette tax to promote quitting programs, alcohol tax to curb drunk driving, so putting a sin tax to good use isn't completely out of whack - plus, she wants "real sex education in schools", and combined with "safe sex" means that she's actually got some smarts. Of course, she was shouted down as "naiive" for her beliefs, because we can't have anybody thinking outside the box. Compared to other ways to deal with the vague Pornography Problem, Ms. Smith seems to actually be putting some thought into it rather than either just banning it outright or ignoring that some people have a problem with their porn. Too bad her peers rated her "the worst performing member of the cabinet," because when she had the power to actually do something worthwhile, it was spent misusing government money and raising anti-terrorist imprisonment to Orwellian levels. I guess some time out of office has made her give what's important some thought.

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Blonde Babe Bathing!

Baby, aren't you cold? It looks like you're sitting on a box in the tub just so you can show off your sweet, soapy boobs for me. While I totally appreciate the effort, let's fill the tub up a bit more, and I'll give you some company. A quick soak in the warm water, a little bit of washing each other, and I think the day will be going in the right direction.

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