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Small Boob Threesome: Fired!

When you're an elected official on a business trip, expecting to partake in local custom is common. However, you better know the difference between Thailand and China, because while threesomes are available on every streetcorner in Thailand, Australian mayors will get in trouble for requesting threesomes from their Chinese interpreters, no matter how nice you think tiny tits are. Crameri, mayor of Penrith - I think that's near Hobbiton - blew off inquiries with the most assholey of responses - "it was a joke! I did ask her back to my room, but I don't remember the threesome thing." Very professional, Mr. Mayor - if you're going to go full Berlusconi all over your trip, you need to have some decorum. When people call you on it, you deny it, you write big checks to obtain silence, and you continue to have your bunga bunga with impunity. Australians have no idea how to abuse their power properly.

Now That's A Pearl Necklace!

Nah, not a facial from one of the Banana Splits, although I'm sure there's fetish sites out there for that sort of thing. Below is the artwork "Exterior Gloss" by the artist INSA. Insa apparently likes boobs a whole lot, and I can't blame him. His upcoming show in San Francisco says his work "revels in lurid excess, embracing the insatiability of consumerism and highlighting the duplicity of morality and enjoyment," a concept which could be found at innumerable nearby stripclubs as well. At least in a gallery, you put on a tie and people think you're all artsy and shit.

And for $4500, you can actually buy Exterior Gloss.

Iowa: Porn Capital!

So, you've had to leave your elected position due to drunk driving and other ethical violations, you're coming out of the closet, you lost your driver's license, you rent a shabby office above a flower shop to keep your in-state address, and now you're looking for clients. The only logical step: represent pornographers, and use your Iowa offices as the porn company's US mailing address. The florist downstairs, who also owns the building, is absolutely precious in her midwest reaction: ""Oh, Lordy," Hickle said. "I had no idea. I am not OK with this. I don't believe in pornography, and, oh, my, I just don't see Northwood as the sex capital of the world." It's too bad she doesn't believe in pornography: her flowers result in more fucking than all the porn in Bumfuck Iowa combined. Seriously, Valentines Day is all about fucking, and it's the biggest day for buying flowers for your honey. One-stop porn and flower shopping is the Business Model Of The Future, and it's too bad she doesn't believe in pornography, otherwise she's be sitting on a goldmine. She'd just have to team up with the foreign company and their drunk gay lawyer to get it done - nothing bad can come from that, you know.

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Awesome Aviators!

Ksubi's 2011 line of sunglasses are out, and while most are Sunglass-Hut-style crap, they've got these awesome glasses called a "Marfink":

Shown are the white, because it reads better in the image, but I prefer the black ones. The lenses have a USAF shape to them, and it has mesh around the sides like welding shades. The thick bridge is about the only annoying things. They run around $200 - $280, so be prepared to cry when you eventually sit on your pair. Via, via.

Male Orgasm!

I've been asked this more than once, and YourTango thinks they have the answer: What does a male orgasm feel like? I think they've got it mostly right, although the words they use are a bit much. Mine start out kinda like "uhhhmmmmm" and then go towards "huhhuhhuhhuh", and finally end up with "WUGGGGNNNNNMMMM!". If too many of those steps get skipped, it's just "uhhMMMNoh, sorry..."

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Playboy Bike Picks!

So, Playboy, what kind of motorcycle riders do you think your readers are? Guys who want their butt resting on an aborted Decepticon turd. On paper, the motorcycles are powerful and not too shabby in structural respects, but the crotch-rocket is so fucking ugly. The one point of respite is that the top of the page is a Harley, a 1200 Sportster, essentially, but eurostyled with matte-black pipes and a plastic, non-Harley-looking butt. Put a normal Sportster on the list, with some chrome and a classic round fender, and then we can talk.


Name Gets You Laid!

Gentlemen, add an 's' to your first name, because men with a hissy name fuck more often. Men named Edward - yes, the Twilight name - hardly ever get laid, and it's probably for obvious reasons that most "Edward"s go by "Ed" or "Eddie". I'm in the top ten, thank you very much. Women aren't immune, either: if you're planning on finding somebody to grind with, make sure her name ends with an "a" sound.

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Tiny Camera!

As you might guess, when they can put a full-fledged 5MP camera into a tiny celphone, most of the space inside that $200 point-n-shoot is just so its big enough to hold on to and use reliably. But what if you wanted to give up all that silly "usability" and "functionality"? Enter the Mame-Cam, a fully-functional spycam that is so tiny its nearly impossible for anybody but the tiny, tiny Japanese people to use properly. I was sent one to test and review, but I accidentally swallowed the first one, then I had to go to the doctor when the replacement they sent got lodged in my nostril.

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Sexting How-To!

Just in case you had no idea how to flirt via celphone, Fox News wants to make sure you know how to do it right. As with most mainstream-media's attention to sex, about all they broadcast are the most shocking and unrealistic aspects of this huge social 'problem'. 'IAYM' - I am your master? Who the fuck 'sexts' that? 'NALOPKT' - Not a lot of people know that? Is that really that common of a sexting sentiment that it needs a long and cumbersome abbreviation? It sounds like a IIRC and IMHO companion, and not sexy. Anyone who's had flirted or had sex in chat - which is what, essentially, sexting is - would know that the kind of phrases that evolve into abbreviations would be things like "ILYN" (I lick your nipples), "SYC" (Sucking your cock), "OYDIN" (Oh yeah, do it now). I just made those up, but Fox News is welcome to quote them next time they want to sound 'in the know'. When you get to the end of the article, though, the last three or four tips on sexting safety are pretty good, although #2 is only setting you up for laughter. "Excuse me, but would it be OK if I sent you a sexually-oriented text message later, using a variety of unsexy acronyms that I learned from Fox News?" No, lady, that ain't gonna fly.

How To Remove A Bra!

Coed magazine wants to make sure every gentleman knows one very important thing: how to properly remove a young woman's bra with grace and style. And, just for no good reason other than to add a nice ass to the mix, they included pictures of a woman removing her own bra - can't argue with that:

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Sophia Vergara Then And Now!

I doubt I have to convince you, but Sophia Vergara has been hot since the 20th century. In 1998, she did a commercial for Bally's, with the awesome underboob-shower-shot seen below. That's the same kid in the Bally's commercial as in the Got Milk photo. Twenty years pass, and she's like some sexy vampire, the kind with big boobs that doesn't glitter. Incidentally, that's my favorite kind. Anyhow, if you prefer your masturbatory fun to arrive in magazine form, Sophia's bikiniing it up in a recent Shape magazine.

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Wingtip Monstrosity!

Wingtip boots have been around a long time, and wearing them makes you look like you're a workman on the World's Columbian Exposition, which isn't my style but I can't argue with. The solid brown ones look like workboots, and are made like workboots, so who cares if the 90-year-old guy teaching shop class has a pair. But for the love of all that is fucking holy, don't make them two-tone. The boots below look like some hipster skinned a coonhound for your footwear. Either way, they're ugly as shit.

Nut Shirt!

Some times you feel like a nut, and here's the shirt for you. The Nut Shirt is little more than a vintage 70s shirt with some funky button covers. Those covers, however, are fucking awesome bolt heads which make it look like your shirt was screwed to your chest, Frankenstein-style. As vintage shirts go, it's an awesome color, but the bolts make it kick ass.


Bunga-Bunga Party!

I don't really understand what one is, but all evidence points to it being the most awesome thing in the universe. Bunga Bunga parties, are, apparently, orgies of such a decadent scale that they make Caligula looks like a Betty Boop cartoon. According to numerous sources on the internet, Italian leader Silvio Berlusconi "learned" them from Muammar Qaddafi, as though orgies were something that didn't come naturally to world leaders. Slate, the fucking wet blanket, say bunga bunga is anal rape, but who needs to listen to those fuckers? The fact that a lothario like Berlusconi likes it, and it likely involved a bunch of naked women, means I can't imagine any reason to turn down a round of bunga-bunga if the opportunity arises.

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Topless Protest!

The Ukranian Femen are not a soccer team, nor are they a Dr Who villain: they're an activist group who use their breasts as weapons against evil. Corruption, sex trade, and other feminist activities are emphasized by showing off their supple, soft Ukranian breasts, drawing attention to both nipples and social disorder. It doesn't sound like the breasts themselves do any crimefighting, but the article might be leaving something out.

Steak Bag!

The Native Americans would be proud: Marlow & Sons is using the entire animal after its slaughtered. If you eat at Marlow & Sons, you can buy a bag made from the cow you just ate...or a football, or a wallet, or whatever foodflesh-related leather you might need. So next time you and your buddies play a pickup game of touch football, you can reminisce on the au gratin potatoes and in-season veggies that went into the meal that you turned into muscle in order to throw that football from the pig you ate. Fucking trippy, that shit right here.

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Philadelphia Ink!

The Philadelphia Tattoo Arts Convention was last week, and the Village Voice was there with a camera. I'm a little annoyed, in that few of the photos had anything to do with tattoos. I mean, how many photos of naked oil-wrestling bowling what-the-fuck does an alt-weekly need to put on their website? Positive, though: lots of tits. Negative: BDSM flesh-hook suspension.

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Mumford and Sons!

Finally - the Grammys were good for something. If I hadn't watched the Grammys tonight, I would not now know of the majesty of Mumford and Sons (see also their website). They're a folk band from the UK, and their banjoist and keyboardist were totally tripping balls during their Grammy performance. They've got that Irish pub sound that I so love, with just a touch of bluegrassy country to shake it up a bit. They are pretty much the only thing counteracting the shit that Lady Antebellum has spewed over the Grammys. I can't fucking stand that "Need You Now" song - it barely counts as music.

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New York Hookers!

Wired magazine wants you to know just how New York hooking works. First of all, if you're still using your 1991 Map To The Prostitutes of Manhattan, Wired finally has an update for you. Second of all: it nicely plays up the business of the trade, rather than making it look desperate and creepy - unfortunately, it glosses over the desperate and creepy levels that streetwalkers end up in. I do love, however, that 9% are in publishing. That explains how Twilight gets published - somebody must have whored themselves out there.

Movie Cunnilingus!

Indie darling Greta Gerwig is pleased that women are getting more cunnilingus in film lately. All those poor movie characters, going right from undressing to penetration: nobody has thought of their pleasure, have they! Gerwig also noted that in Europe, nobody asked her about the cunnilingus, while US reporters always did, because (as you'll note from yesterday's post), the US can't handle sex depicted normally - ew, gross! Maybe she's got the key to counteracting the Jersey Shore's redardation: more cunnilingus in film. This has to me the most awesome sentence I have ever written.

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Unsexy America!

Newsweek has put together an informative graphic of just where the US sits when it comes to sex. Or, rather, it's a chart of "Fuck, I Need To Move To Brazil." Let's not put the cart before the horse, here though: blaming pornography has been quite a cottage industry lately, but Newsweek's mention of the amount of sex in our media as being indicative of US sexuality is kinda suspect: the problem isn't that it's there, but that it embodies our problems with sex in general. Girls Gone Wild and Jersey Shore are slumming it: they get to show more sex because they're so unlikeable. We get to parake in the sexual enjoyment, but feel satisfied that it's so unpalatable. It's like religious sex scandals, horror movies where the sexually promiscuous get killed first, and the raw unpleasantness of Hustler pictorals. We get to enjoy thinking about sex, and then feel vindicated by tut-tutting the horribleness of it. The moral hangups of the US are demonstrated by our porn, not caused by it.

Leather Gloves!

See Jack Shop has done the footwork and found a bunch of leather gloves for under $25 at I love leather gloves, and I love deals, so I may have to order these for next year; my current daily-wear gloves are like these.

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Essex Boobs!

Because I only watch American television these days, I had no idea there was something called an "Essex". Fuck, it's even got the word 'sex' right there in the title. Modern science has determined that the women of Essex have the biggest boobs in the UK, which, no doubt, has something to do with the Essex girl stereotype. The more I read, the more Essex sounds like the Jersey Shore of England - and, what the hell, it IS the freakin' Jersey Shore thanks to a TV show called The Only Way Is Essex, but with those sexy British accents. Here's an example of one of those Essex girls:

This beats the hell out of a Snooki any day of the week. It's too bad I can't fucking understand anything anybody is saying on the Essex TV show...which isn't too different from Jersey Shore, I guess. The accent makes all the difference: it's just so cute the way they say "berfdahy".

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Steelers And Packers!

Those fucking Steelers fans: always wagging their tits in everybody's faces, goddamit. When the Packers win, they'll knows whose boobs are worth looking at. Or something.

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Porn Sunday!

Get on your favorite jersey, stake your claim to the comfiest chair, make somebody bring you a beer, 'cuz it's fucking National Porn Sunday! Yeah, I know it's a trick: XXXChurch works that way. Still, I love the porny elephant football logo and might get some shirts made anyway. As for the day's purpose: seriously, I understand people have a problem with their ability to control themselves, and difficulty with the degree of self-control their faith expects. If you can't resolve those two things and need the help of your clergy, go get it done, man. If the clergy isn't helping - fuck 'em, go watch your porn and stop doing it so much that it fucks up your life. I'm not a licensed psychologist, and I like porn, so as far as my advice goes, your mileage may vary. So, either porn up or go to church, because today's National Porn Day, motherfuckers, no matter how you interpret the name.

(want the logo to make your own t-shirts? Here you go.)

Wait - a porn site promoting XXXChurch? The Dos Equis old guy orders you to drink responsibly, and he gets tonnes of hot ass, so I expect you assholes to porn responsibly, too. If the alternative is church, consider this your 'scared straight' moment.

Porn For Bibles!

The University of Texas - San Antonio has one of the bestest campus clubs ever: The Atheist Group is offering to trade bibles for porn. No, the other way around: anyone bringing them a Bible would exchange it for some awesome pornography. The point - one I can't exactly argue against - is that the messages of the religious books have about as much positive impact on society as porn does. Now, there's a lot of levels to this: if you want to say the Bible is as bad as porn, well, I don't think porn is bad at all. If you want to say the Bible is as safe and innocuous as porn, then you're saying Bibles are OK. Now, if you're trading a bad thing for a good thing, I suppose...see, there's a moral dilemma in this - if only there was a book around that told me how to look into my soul and do the right thing. The article says that they weren't sure how many people took the atheists up on their offer, but my guess is they got a bunch of beat-up Gideon's Bibles that somebody stole from the hotel down the street. Now there's a racket for the atheists: leaving porn in hotel rooms instead of bibles. I bet *I* know which one's more appreciated by hotel customers!

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Nude In Dallas!

Strip joint Rick's Cabaret just opened in Dallas, but the local constabulatory hasn't decided if Rick's deserves a liquor license just yet. The strip-club has taken these lemons and made them into limon: Alcohol-free establishments in Texas can go fully-nude - which makes Rick's the most popular place to be in Dallas this weekend. Well, for those without Super Bowl tickets, I guess. I dunno. I'll bet Rick's will have the superbowl on the big screen - AND plenty of naked chicks will be hanging around. My vote is still with Rick's.

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Free Porn OK!

The courts have ruled that free porn online isn't an anticompetitive threat against pay sites. Court documents regarding porn are generally awesome for many reasons. For instance in this one, the defendant's lawyer, "in the interest of representing his client, he visited 101 tube-based adult entertainment sites." - but for personal reasons he visited over 300 tube-based sites. Wait - over 100 tube sites? I'm about 40 short. Lawyers have access to all the best porn. The good news is that tube sites remain a competitive part of that "constantly changing commercial landscape" we all know of as masturbating in front of the computer.

White Stripes Breakup!

The White Stripes have broken up. First reaction: I thought they broke up years ago. Second reaction: Aw, who wouldn't be sad about the White Stripes breaking up? Their version of Dolly Parton's Jolene makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. Parton's version carried sadness, but the White Stripe's version seeps outright pain. It's too bad that the only way to listen to Jack White is to buy albums from any of his other three hundred bands that he's touring with right now.

Abortions: Open And Cooperative!

Some awesome new statistics are out there about who's getting abortions: 88% of the women who have an abortion were married or in a relationship when conception happened. The study's main point is that, regardless of the relationship status, the majority of the men knew about the abortion and were accepting or supportive. Not that it'll matter to the assholes who want you to think the only people getting abortions are poor, single, slutty women with no other options, and those trollops are taking away the man's right to choose to raise the child by cruelly aborting without his input. The truth is that abortions are had by the core of our society, and men and women alike are OK with it when it happens to them. The more people act like only some outlying group of sinners get abortions, the more likely your rights are going to get taken away.

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Mini Penis!

All the guy wanted was a free car, and he found just the opportunity: To earn a free Mini Cooper, all he had to do was tattoo the word "mini" on his cock. The contest, run by - of course - a German radio station, asked listeners for the craziest thing they'd do to win the Mini, and this guy, of course, had to take it to Dick Tattoo Land. Everything in Dick Tattoo Land is a combination of WIN and regrets. Even better: he got the ink live on the radio. Sadly, even if he was well-endowed, the psychological impact of that word on his penis means every woman's reaction is going to be: "aw, is that as big as it gets?"

Ways To Suck At Sex!

The H Spot would like you to know that there's 14 things that Real Men never fuck up during sex. The list is actually pretty darn good, but I'd like to add a few things that men do to fuck up sex: 1) Answering, or even looking at, your cellphone at any point when you should be paying attention to your date. 2) talking about previous girlfriend's sexual preferences. 3) being too drunk to be of any use. 4) being creepily weird or psycho about the fact that a woman might actually want to have sex with you. Now, men, you might just stop fucking up your sex life for once. You're welcome.

Previous Owner Liked Black Cock!

This 1,800 square foot rambler comes with a new furnace, storm windows, a fenced-in yard with patio, and a well-equipped master bathroom for the discriminating cock lover:

(see link for somewhat of an explanation)

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