Nestle Fitness - which is apparently some kind of breakfast food, and not a chocolate-chip health-club -- put a button-camera on a woman's clevage and counted how many times people (and babies, and dogs, apparently) took a gander at the woman's cleavage. It's breast-health month, of course, so the commercial is encouraging you to check out your own breasts using your hands and fingers; I think if they made a commercial where strangers used fingers to check out a woman's breasts, it would have a very different tone to it.

An intrepid redditor was snooping around his grandmother's house, and found this horrifyingly arousing calendar. Just so you know, photoshopping breasts on things isn't new, although back in the day you needed an airbrush to make these sorts of alterations to otherwise attractive ladies. The link below is to the 1971 edition; here's 1969's strange boobs. They were apparently related to a book by two guys named Mel Norman and Arthur Benwood - you can see the book here.

Via.

Here in America, mannequins seem stuck in the stick-thin, barely-boobs fashion model mold. Venezuela, however, knows what people like to see, so their mannequins have huge tits. I just hope they never match one of these torsos with these screaming/smiling heads, or it might turn me off women forever. Eh, nah, that'll never happen. Anyhow, don't feel bad, North America: they've been turning up in Miami, too.

Via.

Feelin' a bit self-conscious about your boobs? Get this tshirt, and now people will stare at your chest the way you hope they would! It's a simple idea, the kind that you wonder why these haven't been for sale at Spencer's for the past eighty years, but, hey, sometimes original things are the most obvious.

Via.

Video game company Crytek has a new game called Ryse, taking place in Ancient Rome, but there's something a bit confusing about the ancient Romans: their boobs are apparently affected by forces unknown to man. I suppose this weird boob bouncing seen in the clip below is actually the doing of the Gods, like everything else in ancient Roman videogames. The programmers of Ryse aren't doing nerd-dom any favors by making it appear that they've never seen boobs in motion before. If there's anything 3D artists love it's to have a live example to base their math on - the video game company should have afforded at least a couple hundred bucks to pay a woman to walk around a while, if only to improve office morale rather than making everyone look like idiots by depicting a woman with rubbery detached breasts that have a life of their own.

After an off-the-cuff comment about how, if programmers are trying to make boobs behave realistically in video games, they should include bra shopping horrors and mammograms, one guy decided to make it a reality. He set up the site The BoobJam, and has asked for submissions from creative types, asking them to create video games that treat the female breast in a realistic way -- and not just constant heaving and thrusting. I suppose if you include some of that you'll be fine, but it shouldn't be the focus of these pixellated boobs for BoobJam. I'm no programmer but I do know a couple - maybe I should think up a game for them to make. If I don't come up with one, at least I will have spent a couple weeks thinking about boobs, so it's a win-win as far a I'm concerned.

See, I never find out about this stuff until after it happens. It seems that, over in Japan, last weekend you could donate money to a charity and then touch some boobs. The last time I went down to the Lions Club Pancake Breakfast they kicked my ass out for touching breasts, so charities must work differently in Japan. However, part of the festivities last weekend were a "masturbation marathon", so, in a sense, I did participate.

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Statisticians, is there nothing your grubby hands can make more empirical? According to SCIENCE! the perfect breast has been determined, based on Page 3 Girls' most-favorited boobs. I mean, come on, BOOBS, but the most interesting feature is that the nipple is supposed to point up by 45 degrees. I'm not completely sure I've ever seen an upturned nipple, and that may just be testament to the amount of substandard breasts I've encountered. No, that's not possible: there's not such thing as encountering a substandard boob. Every boob is a significant improvement over no boob. Unless you're really doing it wrong. But, even then...boobs. However, this is all about empiricism, so the only way I can truly know is to experience as many breasts as possible. I'll get right on that; I already have my clipboard ready.

The one way I know to get the attention of an assured 50% of the viewing audience is to show boobs. Sure, I have no idea what they're advertising, especially since it appears to be some Russian thing, but, hey - BOOBS! And, technically, this throws in the second-most important thing to attracting guy eyes: car crashes. Boobs and car crashes, all in thirty seconds - Burger King needs to hire whatever ad agency made this video, they'll totally win all the Addy awards again.

Full video here.

Sometimes, when you've got a talent, you need to use it to help people. When Cora's knitting group's plan to help new parents by knitting things, Cora shook things up by going off the beaten path. While everyone else is knitting onesies and and tuques, Cora is knitting tits. You may be surprised: knitting boobs isn't all that uncommon at all, which makes me mad that everyone has overlooked the most fucking obvious Christmas gift for me. Seriously, people: warm cozy breasts are my most favorite thing in the world, and I want to fill a McDonaldsland ball-pit with them and just spend the rest of my life in there. Is that so much to ask?

Via.

The Ukranian Femen are not a soccer team, nor are they a Dr Who villain: they're an activist group who use their breasts as weapons against evil. Corruption, sex trade, and other feminist activities are emphasized by showing off their supple, soft Ukranian breasts, drawing attention to both nipples and social disorder. It doesn't sound like the breasts themselves do any crimefighting, but the article might be leaving something out.

Something's awesome in the state of Denmark: a Denmarkian politician has announced his plan for fighting oppressive fundamentalist extremism: BOOBS. Citing conservatism's disgust towards the naked human body, Mr. Peter Skaarup figures that as long as topless sunbathing is allowed and encouraged in Denmark, they've got nothing to fear from religious zealots. The Conservative party in Denmark said, come on, how can boobs defeat extremism?, at which point a woman lifted her shirt, causing the members of the conservative party to shriek like little girls, cover their eyes, and run in circles until they crashed into each other, their heads colliding with little coconut noises. As for the naked Denmarkite boobs? Regardless of their antiterrorist weapon capabilities, I say let's keep them out - just in case it works. (via)

COED magazine, conniseurs of the art of semi-nude horny photography, have identified one common move that really gets the juices flowing: The Tandem Boob Press. "Tandem Boob Press" would be an awesome name for a book publisher, but, sadly, all it is....IS THIS!

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Holy fuck, that's hot, even though there's no nipples or cunt visible. 'Sceuse me, I need to go do something in the bathroom for a couple minutes...

Alas, so many sports photographers will be losing a potential moneymaking source: an aspiring tennis star has decided her 34FF breasts are in the way, and is planning a breast-reduction surgery. Just think of all the mid-swing breast photos they could have sold! Don't believe me? The London Paper has provided a slideshow of the breasts in question, so you can see what assets she's dealing with on the court. To quote the website's comments: "your boobs are more precious than tennis". Someday, tennis will fall by the wayside, but her breasts will never leave her.

In a scientific and educational study, British researchers have found that Yorkshire women have the biggest tits. Londoners, however, have the smallest, so when you go you England to get laid (who doesn't?) don't stick in the city: go find a busty rural lass, show her some attention, because the article says "nearly four in ten believe their bigger busts make it harder to find a partner". Over here in the U.S., those same "4 in 10 think that bigger breasts make it STOP STARING AT THEM, MORON".

The fucking understatement of the century! See, America, this is why Latin television kicks your ass: nobody cares how naughty it is. Sin Senos no hay Paraiso is a hugely popular telanovela, which focuses on girls seducing drug dealers to pay for their breast enhancements, which has so much embedded awesome, I may have to change satellite providers just to get Telemundo. The title even translates to "Without Breasts There is No Paradise" according to Google, which is like calling Daisy of Love "Her Tits Lure Douches". Which, in fact, translates to "Su Tetas Atraen Douches" in Spanish, which sounds like one of those artsy foreign films you only watch for the promise of on-screen nudity.

Joy of joys, Disney has returned to it's definition as Happiest Place on Earth! Disneyland has stopped making employees review and discard flashed-boobs images on the Splash Mountain ride, and other gravity-defying rides. Disney claims the actual occurrences are rare...which, if we're lucky, is only because people are watching now. Open the floodgates, announce to the media that nobody's going to watch out for naked boobies, and the flood of 17-year-old boobs displayed on a bank of monitors at the ride exit will child-pornify your favorite Disney events. God bless America!

With the overwhelming positive response to Puppetry of the Penis, Women were feeling left out - and Busting Out was born. Now, don't get your hair in a tizzle: the actresses appear to be older than porn stars, but according to the show's producers, floppiness is better for the performance. Fuck you, perky twenty-somethings! Go take your high-slung breasts to the lad mags if you think they're so great! Sadly, this is a UK thing, but I've seen plenty of floppy American breasts (at least 15), so I'm certain there's enough talent stateside to fill an off-broadway, a Vegas strip, and a touring cast.

I've had several of these on this site in the past, but Manofest has done the footwork and pulled together 50 boob-themed products, enough to completely replace having a girlfriend. Frankly, if you have more than 8 of these in your home, having a girlfriend will become an unlikely experience anyway.

I've found a kindred spirit, one who watches the Kennel Club shows for the same reason: the bouncing breasts. Inventor Selaine Saxby noticed how the women jogging with their pets around the ring were risking tit injury, and decided to make it right by inventing a bra specifically designed to prevent show-dog handlers from chest injuries. While I can appreciate the benefit to the women, it potentially reduces the amount of boobie-bouncing on TV, which means more of my masturbation-time may be spent watching pomeranians prance around the screen. I'm still weighing the pros and cons.

Holy fuck, I've found my calling in life: fortune telling via the ancient art of 'sternomancy', which means examining the chest for aspects that might foretell the future. It seems I may need to travel to 18th-century Spain to learn the craft, but I can't find any fault in examining the chests of fine Spanish ladies in learning a new trade.

The Examiner has a helpful article for those of us breast afficianadoes that don't actually have breasts of our own. First, a fun statistic: three out of 100 nipples are innies: I don't like that number, because it means that there's one poor gal out there with one innie and one outie. Secondly, they draw attention to the fact that superfluous nipples are quite common - and I know, because I've got two, evenly spaced and just above my belt-line, much to the consternation of Gracie who was not expecting such a mutation in her lover. Nipples are awesome!

It looks uncomfortable, it is likely to cause a 'wardrobe malfunction', it draws a lot of attention to the tits -- and it's the most amazing invention ever. Pretend you're Janet Jackson on Rolling Stone with these hand bras.