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 It's New Year's Eve -- gotta get ready for a night on the town, and Madden is starting it off with a bubble bath.
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 Ah, the end of the year list: some are better than others, but when they're simultaneously cautionary and hilarious, you can't lose. This list from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits should make you think twice before sticking things where they aught not to go. For example: "INSERTED A LONG BALLOON IN PENIS TO HAVE GIRLFRIEND BLOW UP FOR SEXUAL STIMULATION AND IT BROKE"...."it" broke....I hope that means the balloon broke, and not the penis. Either way, ballooning the urethra doesn't sound like a good time to me, but, hey, everyone's gotta do their own thing.
Pic via.
 Thousands of amateur genealogists are probing their history, looking for royal titles in their lineage, hoping, maybe, they'll turn out to be a prince or dutchess -- but there's some people who have trouble with the title in their history. "Marquis de Sade" isn't really a name; it's a title of French aristocracy, but it hasn't been used since one very interesting person held the title in the 1700s. You know, the guy who they named sadism after. The Marquis fathered three children, and those children had children, so it only follows that someone has the right to hold the title of Marquis de Sade today. After hundreds of years denying their infamous ancestor, his descendants are looking to reclaim the title. The change seems to be less about holding on to royal titles in the modern age, but to acknowledge the literary innovation the last Marquis de Sade introduced to the world.
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 It's almost Christmas, and you're still looking for the right gift for that special person??! Maybe he or she is just not too keen on bright-pink veiny rubber penises, and you want to get them a sex toy that doesn't look like a sex toy -- then Gizmodo has the clickbait article for you! The one guy toy on the list, the Zen masturbator, I had to look into - Apparently you turn it inside out and rub those triangles on your penis, to simulate fucking the low-polygon 1990s Lara Croft. Technology today is amazing!
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It's practically Christmas, and you're not done shopping??! Can't help you there, but if you forget to buy something for the Lego nerd in your life, make it up to him or her by buying Foxy Blox for them! This isn't just somebody slapping together a play strip club out of Legos - it has custom-printed parts, holographic panels, but it must be one of those weird Southern stripclubs that don't serve liquor because there isn't a bar. For that reason, if I were a tiny Lego person, I probably wouldn't hang out there, even if that DJ looks like he plays good music.
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 It has always been a little creepy, but the All Christmas All The Time radio station plays it every couple hours, so it can't be all that bad, right? Em & Lo go through, line by line, analyzing the rapey song "Baby It's Cold Outside", and I think it pretty much, difinitively, shows that lady should really go, despite the temperature outdoors
They include a clip from the movie "Neptune's Daughter", which features the song acted out by Star Trek's Kahn, who physically stops the woman, grabs her, and generally acts like a Star Trek villain -- but then halfway through it switches tracks, and has Red Skelton fending off a rapey woman with the roles reversed. Sorry, still in appropriate, 1940s America. The argument is often that the person refusing sex in the song is doing it demurely, to not seem too anxious to hop in bed -- interestingly, in the video, the woman appears to finally, voluntarily give in to Kahn's advances, but the guy with the woman? He, clearly, is physically restrained and can't escape, and with fear in his eyes the woman turns off the lights. Don't congratulate him, he's gonna need counseling when she's done. "Baby It's Cold Outside" should probably be retired, and if the fear in Red Skelton's eyes doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.
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It's a good thing she's not sitting in deeper water; all that metal around her neck makes her top-heavy. She really shouldn't be wearing it in the dub anyhow, corrosion will set in.
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 Grantland has put together the oral history of the filming of Boogie Nights, filling in all the gaps on your favorite not-quite-a-porn-movie-porn-movie. In particular, Gracie's friend Nina Hartley talks about being a porn star in a world of regular-movie-stars, and how just walking around naked was frowned upon.
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 Playboy has a new CEO, and he's shaking things up -- to the point that he has said there may be a nude-free future for the venerable men's magazine. Now, if you keep reading, it's pretty clear this is just a salacious quote for an otherwise bland article about rebuilding a brand that has pretty much been reduced to the value of their logo. Come on, nudity is what Playboy is founded on: removing that makes it a Details or GQ magazine, and why would you even hope to try and enter that market? Playboy's strengths are in its combination of writing and nudity, and unless they play to those strengths, the business truly will just become an empty logo. This is the only nude-free Playboy I'm interested in:
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 We met her with her classical rendition a few months ago, but now Sara X is bopping and bouncing to Jingle Bells. Enjoy.
 When you hear the term "penis jewelry", you probably think of diamond-studded cockrings and fancy Pince Albert studs -- but fashion designer Tom Ford won't have any of that. Ford's penis jewelry is regular jewelry that looks like a penis. It's not even a " hey, that kinda looks like...", Ford's website even calls it a penis right in the title. At a distance it might pass for a cross, but get up close and it's pretty clearly C3P0's junk. Now that Christmas is here, at the easy-to-afford price of $790, you can get one for all the friendly women in your life!
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Dave Navarro of Jane's Addiction is branching out in his creative endeavors - he has teamed up with the stockroom to produce a guitar strap that doubles as a BDSM-tie-me-up device. According to the press release, the line will include a bunch of other leathery fun-time stuff, all "designed with Dave", which is enough of an influence for me, I suppose. It's more fun to imagine Navarro hunched over a drafting table, t-square in hand, madly drawing isometric drawings of dildo straps on large sheets of vellum, cigarette burned down to nearly all ash hanging from his lips, while his Stockroom contact calls from the hall, "Dave, you done yet?" His response is, "GENIUS CANNOT BE RUSHED!"
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This set of images of Annemarie slipping out of her habit is the most-viewed individual page on RBT, for obvious reasons -- but that's just one in a long line of nun-fetish adult products that fall under the genre of nunsploitation. Yes, it's real, because there's a Wikipedia page on it. Its heyday was Europe in the 1970s, where the hugely Catholic Iberian and Italian peninsulas (what's it with Catholics and "peninsulas"?) were pushing the boundaries of sexual mores. It didn't start there, though; the picture below is probably from the 1910s to 1920s, and she's just out for some 'fresh air', so to speak. The genre is still around - I definitely intend to see the film Nude Nuns With Big Guns. Although it seems to lack the artisme of the seventies films, but is sure to have things that appeal to me, judging just from the title.
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While I can't advise anyone actually shower in the hayloft, this young lady seems to be doing an excellent job of it.
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Jaroslav Wieczorkiewicz likes milk -- he thinks it does a body good, especially when splashed over a naked woman's body. Here's an excellent behind-the-scenes-look at how it's done.
Coca-Cola thought it did a body good, too, so they licensed Jaroslav's photos for an ad campaign of their own, emphasizing how their non-lactose-and-vitamin-enhanced milk can enhance a woman's looks.
Unfortunately, that's sexist, Coca-Cola! After numerous negative responses focusing on how using sexy women to sell milk doesn't hit the right demographics -- splash beer and Miller Lite will make Wieczorkiewicz a billionaire -- Coca-Cola has pulled the ads. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but given how most of Coke's profits come from weight-gaining products, and the new milk product is about as natural as soft-serve is (see also their juice products that are about as bad as soda), the response is less about whether milk is good for you than if anything Coca-Cola sells is good for you.
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 A new study has come out to say that Brits are having less sex than 20 years ago because of financial stress, job worries -- but OMG, online porn and tweeting in bed! Of course, whenever there's a new study out about sex acts, the most sensational stuff is in the lede and the less sensational stuff is more real but not as interesting to talk about. I doubt their study found tons of men turning down sex because they're busy posting selfies to Facebook. However, some of the more interesting things are that women aged 16 - 24 were the most sexually active, more than even the most active men, which was 25 - 34 -- go get 'em, teenaged ladies!
Also they report that women only have 7.7 partners while men have 11.7 -- or about 1/3 fewer partners, which means men on average have 4 homosexual partners in their entire life -- every damn one of them -- or there's just an inflation in men's numbers and deflation in women's numbers, which seems the most likely. I suppose the other alternative is that those 4 partners on average are the same women, so those gals really get around without throwing off the women's average. People who do these studies fail to realize that heterosexual sex has one woman and one man, by definition; sure, there's probably going to be a little discrepancy between the numbers, but 1/3 difference? Somebody's not counting properly.
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Sex always drives the leading edge of technology, so it should be no surprise that one of the cutting-edge videogames was Softporn, a text-adventure for your penis. It was designed by a computer programmer, but bought and distributed by one of the biggest adventure-style game developers at the time. That sexy, topless woman on the right? One of the greatest minds in puzzle-adventure games. Later, Sierra used more advanced computer technology, added graphics and animation, and rebranded Softporn as Leisure Suit Larry.
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Here's the clues to a better sex life, ladies: be around more men. No, it's not that there's cheating going on, or that spontaneous gangbangs appear more often in your life. It's the unsexy term "sperm competition", a gladiatorial spectacle known since...no, it's that when men perceive they're one of many potential mates, they're more interested in having sex with you. Potential is the key here: the woman doesn't need to do anything, except happily enjoy more sex due to the neanderthal brain of her partner who wants to get in there before anyone else does.
Via.
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