Fuck Republicans!
Normally, I shrivel at the thought of sticking my dick into a woman who supports conservative anti-woman legislation - there's a dark, dark hole in her soul that will devour my will - Manolith makes a pretty solid case for why liberal, porn-loving, gay-marriage-supporting, welfare-state-accepting people like me should screw some Republicans. The most awesome reason: Every time a Liberal winds up having sex with a Republican, Bill OâÂÂ
Porn Rocks!
Black Sun Gazette has produced one of the more succinct articles on why porn criticisms are all wrong. They take on addiction, disease, sexism, misogyny, and all the other crap people lob at porn as reason it sucks, and tears them all down. What does that leave? I can only deduce: porn is awesome. You get to watch people fuck, you get to maybe have an orgasm, and then you can totally do it again later. But, hey, I've been saying porn is awesome for years, so I'm not surprised.
Smut Rules!
Those fucking liberal Canadians: they allow an erotica story in their papers without getting into how sex is destroying society. Don't they understand the risks involved in promoting something fun without pointing out consequences? They don't have enough puritans up there, dammit. "Forget Porn, Gimme My Smut" hopes to explain to people, hey, pictures of people fucking might still be awesome, but have you thought about reading about people fucking? With those frilly, girly-romance covers, you can probably get away with reading them in public without being noticed, too. The bulk of the story is a how-to from an erotica writer, so next time you sit down to try and be an author, write some porn, dammit - it's more fun than you think.
Shower Poster!
The shower stall is the last place I'd think of hanging a poster, but this poster is specifically designed for the shower. The reason is simple: when it gets wet, the big-breasted anime girl gets naked. When it's completely dry, she's SFW again, so when your mom comes over and uses your bathroom, you won't be embarrassed by having a naked poster in your bathtub...you'll just have to explain why you have a busty cartoon character poster in there, which might be harder to explain than the nudity. Lastly: am I a pervert to wonder if the bra disappears when you pee on it? I don't want to do it, but in the interest of Science!, somebody might have to try it.
Rachel's Soapy Shower!
Don't look so sad, Rachel: I can tell you've done a really good job getting your front clean, but if you can't reach your back, I'll be right in. and, hell, if your front needs a second soaping, it's no problem, I'll help there, too:
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Needle 2 Da Groove!
Dude, this guy is the awesomest dude ever: two turntables and a gramophone. The build-up is what makes this the most beautiful thing on the internet today. Come Mr. DJ, song pon de replay in-fucking-deed!
Best-Selling Porn Ever!
CNBC, otherwise known as "MSNBC's nerdy older brother", bring us a slideshow of The Best-Selling Adult DVDs of All Time. Well, not "of all time" - of the past couple years, or so, there's no "Green Door" or "Deep Throat" on the list. the lowest numbers sold in the 8,000 copies or so, which doesn't seem like much at all - let's skip to the best-seller, which has to be "Pirates" or- wait, what the hell is "Brad Armstrong's Flashpoint"? What the fuck? "Pirates" is #3, after "Flashpoint" and a fucking clip DVD. All the photos are "courtesy AdultDVDEmpire", and you can certainly bet the list's actual contents come from them too. Title, however, has to be CNBC's fault - you can tell they send the nerds to work at CNBC, because when you're the web developer who posts a "best porn of all-time" list, and you don't even have a base reference of what porn is popular to question, 'hey, that list doesn't sound right', you're too geeky to work on the same TV channel as Keith Olbermann; expect to be sent to the Jim Cramer channel, that's more your speed.
Pornography Awareness Week!
Welcome to Pornography Awareness Week! All I know is about the title, so my guess is you've come to this website for the first time, to make yourself aware to what the world of pornography has to offer. You can start wi-oh, wait a fucking second right here. Pornography Awareness Week is a conservative evangelical movement to point out perceived problems with porn. The want to make sure you know that "the average age that children first come into contact with pornographic material is 9 years old.", which means every god-damned person in charge of Pornography Awareness Week - and all Christians, due to their majority status in the US - saw pornography in their formative years and obviously are too emotionally damaged to be listened to. I mean, just look at the numbers, people: they're not averaging criminals or atheists. The average age of everybody is 9, including that nice bus driver who takes your kids to school, the english teacher who sings in the church choir, the school's police officer - they all viewed porn around the age of nine, on average. Their pornography experiences have damaged them to the point that they are irrational and unable to properly deal with their urges, so let's just not pay them any attention. Me: my first pornographic experience was around age 12, at a friend's house, looking through some 1970s Penthouses he had gotten/stolen from an older cousin, who it sounded like had gotten/stolen them from some other relative. Shortly thereafter I found my parent's porn stash. Just because I was older than nine doesn't mean I was affected any less - I'm just as fucked up as the 'porn awareness' people, so you better fucking run for the hills.
Boobs and TV!
This is totally the greatest invention in the entire universe that ever existed: Boob televisions. Each bra has a TV sewn in, so you can watch your porn while staring at a real pair of breasts. It's got two screens, so you can keep tabs on the World Series in the left while you watch Community in the right - and, presumably, you're having sex with the aforementioned bra wearer while all this is happening. Everything that is good in the world has come together into this one single product, and now that we've reached singularity, the world can now end as the Myans predicted. Amen. (via)
Novelty Business Up!
While the porn industry is holding on by the short hairs, sex toy sales are booming! People are staying home more, having their 'fun' around the house, and, if you think about it, most sex toys are for women, so they're doing less 'have some drinks and find a guy to bring home', and more 'a pint of cheesecake ice cream, a movie, and the Hoppin' Rabbit, and I'm good'. Or - and the less misogynistic and stereotypical answer - is that the idea of self-pleasure has been gaining inroads in society, rather than being an embarrassing or sinful thing, and that increase is running counter to any recession. That's good for both the economy and people's sexual and emotional health.
Sex, Liquor, Fat = DEATH!
The World Health Organization has identified the biggest killers in the world: Child nutrition, sanitation, sex, alcohol, and high blood pressure. Those first two seem focused sharply on third-world countries, but we modern worlders love our sex, booze, and high-blood-pressure causing Bloomin' Onions. Given that's over half of the problems plaguing mortality rates today, the United Nations convened a special session on how to combat these dangers specifically, and UN Peacekeepers have been dispatched to burn every Hooters and strip-club buffet to the ground.
Gradeschool Phone Sex!
I love these stories so much: An Orange County school printed up a messload of T-shirts for their 'jog-a-thon', including a made-up phone number as part of the slogan, which they didn't expect anybody to actually dial - And, of course, when a phone number ends up in the news, it's gotta be an sex line. A 'she-male' sex line, no less - the AP leaves the type of sex-line the body, but Fox News put in the headline (she-males are a huger draw for their audience, you know). You might also want to ask, if the number was part of a slogan and nobody was supposed to dial it, how did the one 'parent' know it was a sex line? Reporters never ask the important questions. Despite the faux-pas, there's still a happy ending: the fun run raised $25,000 for activities, and nobody is screaming about being sexually violated by a grade school t-shirt. Still, it is not quite the "happy ending" Fox News viewers are hoping for when they read about she-males.
Vulva Jewelry!
This is what Georgia O'Keefe would produce if she were a sculptor instead of a painter: tiny vulva necklaces!. It's only the start, though: the SexSF post has a multitude of Etsy art themed around woman's body parts. I can absolutely say this is the only place in the universe you'll see the words "Frida Kahlo uterus plushie" together. Amazing.
Lesbian Day-labor!
"Hey, you - yeah, you two the temp agency sent over, get the fuck back to work! Jesus christ, they never send over anybody who can do the work. Yesterday it was midgets, the day before it was the armless guy, and today they send two huge-breasted lesbians. This Walgreen's is never going to get built."
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Restless Vagina Syndrome!
Big Pharma has got men worried about their dick's abilities and makes a ton of money from viagra and enzyte, but now they've got their sights on women: If only they can make women feel bad about sex, they'll make billions! Jesus Christ, now there's going to be spam for women who think their vagina is inefficient? I'm going to have to stop using email all together. If you think this is all an imaginary concern, just look at what's on commercials now: you can get a prescription from your doctor because your fucking eyelashes aren't good enough. And penis concerns were the first thing studied? If Big Pharma had actually ever known a woman, they'd know that with cruel TV commercials they'd have women downing a bowlful of meds daily to control every damn tiny aspect of their life which can be scrutinized. Has anybody ever thought about encouraging men to compliment women once in a while? If they could package that in a pill, they'd fucking end the war of the sexes in an instant.
Sex = Richer!
Ohmigod - and if a researcher said it, it must be true! The Evening Standard reports that you make more money if you jump from sex monthly to sex weekly, essentially doubling your income with a four-fold increase in sexual activity. I mean, here's the solution for our economy, because if - oh, wait a god damned second. When I went from no sex to Gracie-sex, my income didn't budge - here's what's going on: Going from monthly-sex to weekly-sex makes you as happy as doubling your income. AS HAPPY AS. Fucking London reporter can't read the god damned study right, getting everybody's hopes up, I'm so depressed I think I need to go have my daily sex, which is another 7x as often as once a week, which makes me practically a fucking millionare.
Bad Sex Excuses!
Fox's "Sex-spert" wants you to know, you shouldn't be making up lame excuses to get out of fucking. Excuses to get out of fucking, what's wrong with you? And, surprisingly, men are likelier to, er, "sexcuse" themselves from intimate contact. Hey, Fox lady, how's this for a "Sexcuse": "my abstinence-only sex ed class has completely terrified of a meaningful sexual experience, but when we're married it'll be fine," or "I try to be a good moral conservative, but constantly supressing my un-Christian-like foot fetish has sexually frustrated me to the point of dysfunction," or "I keep tapping the foot of the guy in the stall next to me, but I keep getting arrested, it's hardly worth it anymore" or...shit, these excuses for not having sex are all over the place if you toss out the "one-woman, one-man, missionary-heavy, after-marriage" assumption - and you better, pervs: the conservative family values of Fox News has no place for your sexual enjoyment. HolyTaco has an answer, too: Sexcuse Bingo!
No Nude Beaches!
Sadly, the Supreme Court of California doesn't understand the primal joy experienced as the wind whips through your ballhairs: they have ruled that California's nude beaches are illegal, because being nude in public is still illegal, even if everybody's doing it. These are state beaches, however, so I'm fairly certain that if you can find a rich millionaire with a mostly-private beach, you and your naked buddies can still frolick in the salty air, flesh flying without a care in the world, but just keep it in your pants and the public beaches for now.
Uncontrollable Boner!
Well, sorta-controllable. The ability for men to control their physical and emotional arousal is a skill of varying strength, kinda like raising one eyebrow or peeing without getting it on the floor. Men who can control laughing at Mitch Hedberg are more able to avoid sporting an uncontrollable woody, while men who can't help laugh at stoners get erections unabated by will. The Incredible Hulk, apparently, should have been drawn with a ten-foot-long penis at all times, but this does explain why Dr. Manhattan was consistently flaccid.
I Love Feldblum!
President Obama's nominee to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, Chai Feldblum, says homosexual sex is morally good. I know, politicians probably wince at an endorsement from a boob site, but what Obama has here is, finally, someone with their head on straight. Fox News shitheads and the site I linked to above are both right-wingers trying to use this as evidence that she's a bad nominee. What the fuck, conservative assholes? You want somebody appointed to the "equal...opportunity" anything who is discriminatory? That's the most telling thing about the Right, regardless of your views on homosexuality: their Ministry of Peace is a minister of war. Feldblum also crossed that line into directly saying something directly and unequivocally positive about homosexuality; most quotes are couched with a "homosexuality isn't bad", which hints that it's still hovering at the edge of some 'sorta-bad' grey area. I've yet to fuck a man, nor do I have any interest in doing so, but my gay friends and my human-positive view of the world is much improved to know that somebody nominated for a position of equality and fairness is ready to tell the world that gay sex is morally good. The link at the top is the least shit-loaded link I could find, but if you want a good look at why Feldblum is awesome, go here, don't give the conservative assholes any clicks.
Johns Subculture!
Police have caught on to the fact that online communities feed and support "johns" and their hobbies - and they're surprised, oh no, that soliciting prostitutes isn't an independent, solo act of a lonely, dangerous man. Let's read our history book, shall we, police? For thousands of years, if you wanted to buy sex, you went to a brothel of one sort or another, whether it's as organized as the Romans or as disorganized as a medieval pub. There was no "he's a lonely pervert wandering the streets alone" - brothels were a fucking party (in more ways than one, so to speak). Shutting down the American brothels forced prostitution to go solo and isolated (and some might argue made it more dangerous for everyone). The current bar and stripclub scene are the continuation of the "first floor of the brothel"; that it totally how guys, from ancient greeks to straightlaced victorians, like to find women and fuck 'em, and the brothel made things convenient. Look at the brothels in Nevada and Europe: the front end is a bar where everybody socializes. Guys want that cameraderie, and if they've found it online - with excellent opportunity for anonymity - more power to 'em.
'Selfing' Not As Good!
Having a sexual partner is better than doin' it on your own, or so says scientists. Sure, they're studying small creatures that can either reproduce sexually or asexually, but, sometimes, there's a little truth in everything nematodey. They also don't address the fact that, even if you've got a sexual partner, sometimes you do some "selfing" just because you're in the shower, or you're having trouble sleeping, or she's still alsleep and that morning weathergirl is showing a lot of clevage - come on, science, can't you explain that a little bit better, in a roundwormed-related metaphor?
Craig's No Pimp!
After pulling back on their 'adult entertainment' ads at the request of various states' attorneys general, Craigslist has been sued for being, maybe, a little more pimpy than originally thought. No so, says a judge, who has ruled that Craigslist isn't involved in prostitution, which means I can still safely connect with college girls paying for their nursing degree by escorting, with the ease and simplicity of an online classified ad website. God Bless America!
Duck Fucking STD!
"It's all to do with penis size and the complexity of the females' vagina." No fucking shit, sherlock. Oh, wait, we're talking about something else? Something even worse: Bird flu is an STD. All those birds fucking, and people fucking birds, is about to destroy all society as we know it. Scientists so far have only seen it as an STD in ducks - so stop duck fucking, people! Your health depends on it!
Bad Body Art!
Key West has something called Fantasy Fest, which generally involves hot women getting all bodypainted in the nude by awesome artists. Somebody didn't tell the crappy artists and unattractive women to stay home - COED magazine has the worst of the worst:
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Swede Babes Online!
More than ever, Swedish women are looking online for sex. Since 2003, or over six years, the number of Swedish babes who are online "to visit sex sites has increased nearly six-fold." By my math, that works out to nearly 45 billion Swedish women online today. Finally - now that unbelievably hot Scandinavian blonde with a poor grasp of the English language might actually be a real swede, and not some African scammer trying to get your credit card, or a bot steering you towards paysites. The internet gets better and better every day!
Porn Too Loud!
Living in close proximity to your neighbors is a pain-in-the-ass, especially when the satellite porn channel is so loud you can hear it through the walls. It sucks even more when the noisy neighbor is the satellite TV channel. The Sky channel EliteTV has moved their production studios, but their new neighbors are annoyed at the amount of fucksounds going on. Dumbasses, this is a freakin' boon to your property values! Media production companies moving in is a sign of gentrification - put that 'for sale' sign out and everybody will be happy. I'd totally buy a house next door to a porn studio; the perks are amazing.
PP Sex Ed!
Finally, somebody who knows what they're talking about: Planned Parenthood is teaching sex ed in Cleveland. I can't think of a more appropriate group to make sure the youth of today don't ever, ever become the tight-assed, sexually-repressed, fear-of-intimacy assholes that are protesting PP's involvement in sex ed. "But...liberal brainwashing!" Dude, your incorrect, invalid conservative sex ed is fucking up kids more than anything else - right wingers are doing the brainwashing by trying to teach kids that sex is something that it's not. I fucked women when I was a teenager; a quick poll of conservatives would probably show a high percentage, too. Teach the kids how it's done so they make the right decisions, and they won't regret their horrible sexual experiences like you do, Mr. Right Wing Virginity-Hypocrite.
Tate Shreds Catalog!
The Tate had been planning on a 1983-themed art exhibition, which included the famous nude photos of a young Brooke Shields. Police, however, didn't appreciate the artistic merits of the photo. "Obscene!" they cried, and the Tate replaced the young nude with a more recent photo of Shields. As things got closer to the opening - whoops - the exhibit's catalog includes the photo, too, and thus all 12,000 copies will go to the shredder. Oh, some will make it to eBay, I'm sure, but it amounts to a pretty big loss for the Tate, over a piece of art.
Shorter, Plumper, Fertile-r!
Finally, proof that society is coming to its senses: the woman of the future will be shorter, curvier, and more fertile than the tall, thin woman of today. 'Thank god' is my response - I'll admit, even a lot of the women I post here are too thin for my tastes - curvy, but not obese, is my pleasure. The fertile thing, eh, not so much, but that usually has a positive effect on the libido. The article says it's hard to tell if the change is cultural or biological, but my amateur scientific analysis is: if we're doing so much to defeat reproduction, the more fertile women are going to be the ones who reproduce, the women who get pregnant on the pill or whose body defeats the rhythm method in its inconsistency, thus producing more sexy, fertile women whose bodies are going to defeat contraceptives, too.
Firefighter Wet T-Shirts!
The uniforms of the Australian fire department have been upgraded from traditional blue to high-visibility orange. Problem is, the new shirts are sheer enough that they become transparent when wet. The guy firefighters don't have much of a problem; the female firefighters, on the other hand, do have trouble with the wet t-shirts (although my guess is the guys don't have a problem with that, either). Solution: Facebook petition! That totally always works, rather than bringing the problem to supervisors or to city officials. The Facebook petition may have accomplished something: higher-ups have said newer shirts will be thicker and have breast-pockets, to reduce embarassing nipple exposure. Watch for the old shirts at the nearest Coyote Ugly bar.
Naked Halloween Party!
A thirty-member "naturalist" group in Illinois ("more Peoria than Bloomington", or so the old saying goes) are planning on hosting a Halloween party, complete with apple bobbing, haunted trail, and bare breasts. The nudist Halloween party is open to any interested party - no word on if there's a cover charge - as long as you go clothes-free, although masks won't be discouraged.
Shirt Interpretation!
Dudes: Guys, what does your shirt say about you? Sure, it does go into Jon Goselin territory, which should normally disqualify it from being on this site, but it does have some winning comments: Turtleneck: YouâÂÂ
Marge Simpson: Sinner!
It's been all over the news: Marge Simpson is nude on the new Playboy. Yawn. You know who's not yawning over it? Christians. Christians are all up in arms over a cartoon being naked. They're demanding 7-11 stop carrying Playboy - wait, huh? - 7-11s don't carry Playboy, unless some manager orders it anyway? That's no excuse! Won't somebody think of the children, who see a cartoon and have no clue what a Playboy is?!!? Fuck you, asshole: boys stopping in for a Slurpee want that Playboy because there's dog-damned mother-loving tits inside. And, I mean, it's a sacrilege to portray a wholesome, kid-friendly cartoon-oh, yeah: Marge spent most of one episode of The Simpsons naked, running through town, trying to avoid being seen by strangers and children, because she was trying to fuck her husband in a public place, where they risked being caught - and in another, flashes her implant-enhanced breasts at a group of strangers. Hallelujah - show The Simpsons in kindergartens, the Christian Right is protecting them from being sullied by evil hedonists!
Breast Hypnotist!
Ladies, don't resort to uncomfortable bras or risky surgeries to make your breasts bigger - it's all in your head! Your cup size is entirely a construct of your mind, according to hypnotist David Knight, who can make you a cup size bigger just by listening to the sultry sounds of his voice. He claims an 85% success rate, or admits that one out of every seven sales invokes his moneyback guarantee, however you want to look at it. His logic is ironclad, though: "Every ladyâÂÂ
X-Rays = Child Porn!
New technology which allows airport security to see through clothes has raised some eyebrows, citing privacy concerns and worries from people who don't want swarthy airport security looking at their naughty bits. In fact, child pornography worry-warts are concerned that juveniles rendered naked by modern technology will be abused by the security checkpoints. Don't worry TSA: just have the children fill out 2257 documentation, you'll be fine - being a pornographer puts you in excellent company, what with all the artists, scholars, doctors, and writers shackled with the same tag in the interest of protecting children.
Vampires Are Gay!
There's an interesting theory out there which claims that the current crop of vampire romances are the embodiment of women's desire to have sex with gay men. These vampires are thin, wracked by ennui, and only rarely want to have sex with a woman, and only a woman who can "change him". Sound gay to you? I think it's more along the lines of "women want to sleep with assholes." He's constantly tells you you're just not his type, is way stronger than you, wouldn't blink an eye at killing someone that deserves it, he constantly avoids commitment, doesn't have a job, exudes passive-aggressive hostility covered up by a fake sensitivity, and is way too good looking for the kind of person he is. Yup - vampires aren't gay, they're the kind of assholes women constantly lust after.
Firemen Like Porn!
So, a nine-year-old visits his mom at her fire-station job, goes to the bathroom, and finds porn. Of course he's going to steal it and take it home, hiding it under his bed. And, of course, mom freaks the fuck out, ending up discovering five dozen more pornographic magazines at the fire station. Because, y'know, the world is in danger if some child is going to wander by and steal the firemen's porn. The fire department has offered $200,000 to settle her lawsuit - wait, her kid steals something that's not appropriate for him to have while visiting a non-kid-friendly place, and the fire department is out almost a quarter of a million dollars? It's a good thing fire departments are rolling in the dough, nothing important to spend their money on, and nine-year-olds can fuck it up for firemen by doing what nine-year-olds do.
Muppet Poaching!
PETA has been protesting the porn site Glamour Try-Outs for weeks after this photo surfaced: the Pink Dobley is one of the rarest of Muppets, so rare that it is impossible to secure work permits for children's television anywhere in the world (except Myanmar, whose junta uses the pink Muppets in propoganda films). Rumors of Dobley poaching have been circulating around the Muppetaxidermy circles, but this photo is the first proof that one has been killed and skinned. Authorities are searching for the outfit, which - on the black market - could be worth several million dollars.
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Be Schrute!
Awesome and a half: here's how to dress like Dwight Schrute from the Office. If you saw the Jimnpam Wedding episode, you'll see that Dwight had worn the infamous three wolves shirt in order to pick up the ladies - and it fucking worked. The show's a freakin' documentary, so you know it's absolutely true. Dress like Dwight, and you'll tap more ass than a one-legged man at an ass-tapping contest. Wait, what?
Genital Art Hiatus!
Dr. Betty Dodson had been posting nude photos of genitals on her website, but some asshole has decided 2257 applied to her work. 2257, in case you didn't know, is the US' way of preventing child porn by requiring proof of identity for people producing pornographic works. Me, I'm an exception because I'm not producing it, I'm just linking to it; Dodson was producing a "research project on healing genital shame," which relied on anonymity to continue to exist. Dodson probably has a way to defend not having 2257 data on everyone, but you can sure bet the anti-porn people will make it prohibitively expensive to try and defend the legality. Sorry, art world: no matter what you think, your non-porn is, in fact, pornography. (via)
Condoms Stop Abortions!
Dude - preventing pregnancy means fewer abortions. What, you mean prohibiting abortions doesn't stop people from conceiving? Inconcievable! Now that the U.S. is finally helping the UN Population Fund, we can use this contraception news to continue to dispute the ongoing conservative right-wing accusation that the UNPF is pro-abortion. Hey, assholes: the more condoms and education, the fewer abortions there are. We all get it, conservatives need laws because they're too retarded to make responsible decisions - but the rest of us the world, when educated and given safe alternatives, are happy to do the right thing.
Steal Guy Clothes!
Ladies, you need to understand: when you wear guy clothes, is makes us hard. Very. The Frisky has a handy list of your boyfriend's clothes that you should steal and wear yourself. My interpretation: Jean Jacket: hot. Button-down work shirt: holy fucking shit that's hot. Plaid shirt: quite hot. The Boyfriend Jacket: Eh, just kinda hot. Sweatshirt: very hot. Old-Man Cardigan: Sorta h--wait, why are you dating a guy who wears an old-man cardigan? Does he have grandkids he loves to talk about? The one thing I'd like to add to their list, which has to be the hottest fucking thing known to man, is a woman wearing those waffle-fabric long underwear, underneath a pair of men's suspender overalls. I'm rock hard just thinking about it. Another note on, in particular, wearing your boyfriend's cardigan or blazer: in wearing either a conservative cardigan or a men's sport-coat, neither of which were cut for your frame, you run the risk of being mistaken for a theatre major or fashion-marketing major. Apply at your own risk.
Sex In The Future?
Will there still be sex in the future? Somebody thought to ask some futurists about it, who responded, "Yes! But it will be far more complicated and expensive than now!" which recalls the "future sex" in Barbarella which involves lots of nudity but nothing but fingertips touching. Most acknowledged that transhumanism is to overcome the limitations of the flesh, but sex is at its peak of success and best done as meaty as possible, thus unlikely to be replaced by brain uploads, but they all talked about how we'll add things to it and it might not even be called sex anymore because our primitive minds can barely perceive how different it will be. When they get into the transhumanism aspect, most of the people go off the rails into metaphysical bizarrity, like the SecondLife character (!?!) they interviewed - again (?!?) - who talked aimlessly about uploading two brains into one and having it work in tandem. Yo dawg I herd you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while you drive. The best answer comes from a biologist: "Besides, if youâÂÂ
Giant Vagina Art!
You never know when a giant vagina might show up - like this guy, who woke up one morning to find a giant vagina-like piece of artwork in his yard. It was not left in hostility: it was accompanied by an unsigned birthday card. So, if it's your birthday and were expecting a giant vagina gift, I think I know who you need to talk to. (via)
Left-Handed Undies!
As if there weren't enough thing for left-handed people - special scissors, they switch their mouse around, an entire driving system in the UK - now they've got left-handed undies. Where will it stop?!? Somehow there's a degree of dexterity in penis-handling that a southpaw can't manage; I must be ambi-urine-ous, because I use either hand, depending on where I'm standing. Are these guys writing with their pee? That I could understand being a lefty issue. Just hitting the bottom of the urinal? I can do that no-handed half the time.
Fox News Loves Boobs!
Fox News spent a good six minutes playing, replaying, closely studying, dissecting and completely adsorbing a bunch of fifteen-year-olds grinding and shaking their booty - oh, but it was the O'Reilly Factor, if they're saying how bad it is, they can play the so-called "offensive" video over and over. Did you see the nude women I posted today? horrible stuff - tomorrow, and the next day, I will continue my expose on how horrible naked women are by uploading even more shocking images of huge breasts and sultry smiles. I'll even show some shocking - shocking! - footage of the obscene material shown before school, well before the watershed, at a time when children are at their most vulnerable, under the guise of providing them important information about their day, seen on a basic cable TV sta-oh, wait, those Hooter girls are on Fox and Friends? Well, shit, isn't Fox News able hate something without simultaneously rubbing their dick against it? Oh, right: they're the conservatives. Shocking!
Orgasm: Meh!
Here you go, guys - the act of intercourse is as useful without an orgasm, so you're not done once you've dropped your load - we all know you can get hard again in a few minutes, so put that dick back to good use! That's not the only time, though - touching each other sexually, without grasping for the brass ring, is a subtler, long-term sort of sexual pleasure. So don't get so worked up over darting straight for the goal-line like some racetrack greyhound; a marathon without crossing the finish line is a worthy experience as well.
Boobs: Too Big!
Careful ladies: your boobs could get to be too big. That is, if you keep cramming inorganic materials to make them look unnaturally huge. I can totally agree with this: I look at a lot of porn, and there's clearly a lot of women with too-big boobs, which probably comes with a lot of back pain, tissue damage on the front, and an inability to have conversations with men that don't involve an "up here." If you're like 5'1", we can see your ribs through your skin, and the tiny nipples on your 32G breasts point upwards, you're doing it wrong. Just love your boobs the way God intended; I'd sure like to take that opportunity, too.
incomplete osp
Oh, honey, don't give me that coy look - you know as well as I do there's no accident that I "accidentally" walked into this bathroom, "accidentally" locked the door behind me, and "accidentally" had my clothes fall off mysteriously. There's no reason to fool ourselves at the moment about what's going to happen next, because that warm bath looks awful comfy and you sure could use somebody to wash your back.
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Porn+Viagra Shop Takes Foodstamps!
Man, I wonder why the stores don't advertise this? People are trading food stamps for Viagra, porn, and booze. Last I checked, vegetables, Hamburger Helper, and Count Chocula were all that foodstamps covered down at the IGA. Foodstamps covering porn and booze must be a SuperWalmart thing; I hope one moves in soon. Sadly, the place in Detroit that found the loophole - which consisted of fraudulently charging more to foodstamp cards than was purchased - has been closed, so you'll have to get your porn and booze in other ways, poor unemployed people of Detroit.
Giant Penis Chit-chat!
Let's say you're a guy with a big penis, and your wife won't shut up about it. Me, I say, "WOOO, LET'S HIRE A SKYWRITER!", but some people are more private about it. Like this guy, who is, for some reason, embarassed that more women know about his huge penis than ever before. Answer: play the "what if your nipples were the topic of discussion" and see how that flies. For the advanced readers in the class, count the number of penii innuendo peppered throughout Prudence's response; I counted eight.
I Fucked!
The site isn't responding quickly, so I'll describe it: I Just Made Love is a Google-Mapping sort of app, in which you place the locations and positions in which you fucked on a map for everyone to see. I think they underestimated the amount of fucking that's going on, or the amount people are going to fuck around with a naughty web application, but either way it's mildly amusing for the moment. Also: note that the "just made love" is forced by only allowing adding information once every twenty minutes or so, because they know you're not an animal, you stud.
Penis Size Tool!
Measuring one's penis is a difficult task - you're always tempted to include more, like measuring from your asshole to the tip of your dick ("It's 22 inches, really!"), but condom maker TheyFit has decided, fuck you assholes and your messed-up measuring skills, here's a condom ruler. I totally love the fact that the increments are out of logical order - no trying to tell your ladyfriend you're a "J" and having her believe that's much bigger than an "B". They measure circumference, too, which should finally put to bed that "as big around as a Coke can" nonsense. Here's the to-scale printable version - and don't think I don't know you guys can use Photoshop and subtly shrink the image to make your dick look bigger, like those 4-foot-tall women they use in 'giant dick' movies. One last note: I love the creepy Kricfalusiesque dick wizard in the background. He can totally measure my dick anytime he wants.
Horror Movies Suck!
Rob Weiner, expert on pop culture says the current crop of horror movies suck donkey balls. I'm wondering what he's comparing that to: on the whole, 80s horror sucked donkey balls, 70s horror sucked donkey balls, and everything before that intentionally sucked donkey balls because of the Code. Weiner's great hope: indie filmmakers who put effort into storytelling over gore, which, sadly, is boring to the Joe Halloween-Remake-Was-Awesomes. They want to see more knives shoved through skulls like they were playdough with no internal structure. They want to see more beautiful women killed first because they're the horniest. They want complex, brutal traps in which the ones killed come off as stupid and deserving of their fate, because straight-forward brutality isn't fun to watch (I'm looking at you, The Passion of the Christ). Horror movies don't make much money because it's a pretty small fraction of the viewing audience, but that small fraction doesn't want character development: they want boobs and blood.
Foreign Hymens!
What. The. Fuck. Chinese manufacturers have created, for sexual-entertainment purposes, an artificial hymen, for the entertaining pleasure of de-virgining a woman over and over again. The accusation is that this is cheapening the honorable state of virginity, but that was gone long ago, when you consider the number of women who were virgins on their wedding night, but had started having sex long, long before. Really, who gives a fuck: most hymens are broken long before a cock gets anywhere near them. Maybe those bike-seat-virginity-losers are the real market for the artificial hymen, so they don't miss out on the uncomfortable, bloody experience of being torn the first time they have sex. Yeah, really missing out.
Hook-Up Dos and Don'ts!
Most of you are probably well beyond your awkward college fucking days (if you're beyond that age and still fucking college women, my congratulations), but the overall list is still of good use to anybody having casual sex: Do's and Don'ts of being prepared for surprise coitus. Do: read from the Kama Sutra; Don't: read from Twilight. Eh, maybe that's still too college-studenty. Still, some good advice: having enough condoms on-hand, always a good thing.
Masturbation = Fired!
A newspaper editor took a racy step and published an anonymous article about mutual masturbation, one of the finest pasttimes that ever chafed a loving couple. Uh oh: she has resigned due to her frank acceptance of diddling your loved ones. To think a Hearst Corporation newspaper would even approve - well, fuck, it's some shitty college newspaper, and the column in question was written by an anonymous writer named "Lux." They're lucky anybody even reads their paper for something other than sports photos and the classified ads. Still, however, people have pretty much come to expect that a college student, devoid of sexual experience beyond fumbling clumsily in bed, is going to write a sex column with all the fervor and authority of an expert in human sexuality, so they better find a nice replacement, vetted and approved by the powers-that-be, somebody that'll write about sex without getting all sexual about things, that's gross. (Via)
Martin The One!
My "suggestion box", that button over there on the right, is so people can send me stuff I've never seen before - like Martin here, who asked me to look at his erotic art blog. It's that raw, jumbly abstract collage stuff that artists so love, but takes a while to appreciate, so go stare: it has boobs.
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Glass Dildo Not Unique!
The seventh circuit court of appeals has done a whole lot of dildo work lately. One glass dildo maker sued another glass dildo maker, saying they violated their patent, but the courts say, no, there's nothing innovative about a Pyrex pseudo-penis, so the patent is undefendable. Topco were the winners here, and can continue to make their dildos, while Sexnology is now convicted of having a crappy 90s website design.
Corpse Penis Touching!
When you work with naked people, you're certainly going to be tempted to touch them with your penis once in a while; it's only natural, especially if they don't complain. The problem is when the naked, compliant people you're touching with your penis are the corpses of your customers. A mortician has been relieved of duties when pictures have surfaced of him touching corpses' naked feet with his dick. Don't fuck with dead feet, it'll go nowhere good.
Guys Like Ratty Undies!
The Frisky wants to know why guys continue to wear underwear until it falls apart. My answer: because we can. And laziness. And cute boxers with cartoon characters all over them are expensive; I don't want to have to buy another Scooby Doo pair until these ones disintegrate. I have no particular attachment to any of them, except for the fact that I don't want to buy any more. And, I proudly point out that some are over ten years old, and there's nary a skidmark in any of them. That'd get them tossed out for sure.
Prayer = Slut!
Women who say prayer is a fulfilling experience have more sex than their peers, but don't go sign yourself up for Bible class just yet, guys: they didn't say religious women were sluttier; they're talking about those spiritual hippies that you already knew were tigers in the sack. It's just confirmation of what your dick already knew, so go find yourself a hot spiritual women and commence with the "Oh God!" prayers.
Sexy Game Verses!
You know those guys who hold up Bible verses at sporting events? You might want to research their messages better - oh, I'm sure they know exactly what sort of message they're trying to express. And that makes them more awesome than ever. Note the hand-drawn Digg thing.
Sexy Horror Calendar!
It's October, and Halloween is right around the corner, so put two and two together and buy Nerdcore's 2010 nudie horror calendar. Boobs and death: is there anything sexier? Get it here, directly from Nerdcore.
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Sex Done Right = Good!
According to a new Australian study, women who enjoy sex lead healthier, happier lives than...well, people who are dissatisfied with sex, are unhappy, or less healthy. The article points out that outside forces are very wide-ranging and could affect the study: whether her well-being was low to begin with, whether their partner wanted to have sex with them, etc., etc., but - put this feather in your hat and smoke it, you abstinence-happy losers - women who get pounded by cock regularly have better lives than those who don't. While there's lots of other reasons for her life to be less healthy or happy, the sex, when done right, definitely makes things better.
Hef: Awesome Dude!
The Irish among you readers can hear a profile on Hef on RTE1 this Thursday, but their article on Hef's life and future is pretty good, too. The guy has been putting a positive spin for decade on having sex, married, unmarried, beautiful or not, rich or not, and living the lifestyle openly that you choose. If there's anybody who needs to an icon in our current world, where private desires are nearly universally available to us First World countries, it's Hugh Hefner.
Ozzy Fucks Sharon!
If you've ever wanted to hear Ozzy describing a sexual encounter with Sharon Osbourne, his new book does so. "I end up pumping away on top of Sharon like a road drill all night, with nothing happening" Holy shit, that sentence made me cum like a racehorse. Imagine the horror and disappointment of the black-clad metal-emo teens who buy the book, against their parents' objections, only to hear about Ozzy's erectile dysfunction. Kids gotta grow up sometime.
Cohabitation: For Sex!
The only reason to move in together before marriage is to have sex, says The American Council For Duh. Wait, what about coed, non-relationship living arrangements? Oh, those aren't boyfriend-girlfriend, they don't count. What about people who move in together and begin having sex right after being married? Oh, that's different, because they're married. Why that's different, I couldn't tell you from the article; you just know. The article declares how, statistically, people dating don't last if they're sleeping together - but they're dating, and I don't understand who expects those to last anyhow. "While it's possible that a couple having sex before marriage will one day make a lifelong commitment, it is statistically more likely they won't," says experts promoting a not-so-new book, which could easily be edited to say, "A couple watching baseball together could possibly marry, but it's statistically more likely they won't." "People who take long strolls on the beach while dating could get married, but most don't." Duh, they're dating, you asshole. Society's pressure on young adults to get married before having sex doesn't sound all that great, either, Doctor Obviouses. While abstaining couples might possibly end up in an abusive relationship because of the pressure to marry, many don't - but that's just the statistics talking, not some fear-mongering because won't somebody please think of the children, you know. Oh, and, yes, the article is for young, pure girls: the only mention of men is to paint them in the villain's costume of how sexual liberation is giving men the freedom to fuck without consequence. They warn these young, untouched flowers of innocence: Cohabiting is growing in America, and young women should not kid themselves. It's all about the sex. Here's news for you: those women absolutely, positively are not kidding themselves in the least: they choose to move in with the guy so he can stick his dick in her, much to her orgasmic rapture. Oh, and maybe have somebody to help with the laundry and rent and take them out to dinner once in a while. Women are completely happy to have minimal-strings-attached sex, but people mistakenly take the lamentations of a dissolved relationship as proof the situation should never exist; blame the fact that you let him fuck you, and then you don't have to accept the complexities of her being a bitch or him being an asshole or neither of you having taken stock of the other person's personality enough to properly judge your compatibility. Sex is simpler to blame. History is full of abstinent suicides over one relationship or another - society's pressure to do it right, or not at all, has been fucking up kids for centuries, not casual sex.
Last Week!
I do this so rarely, but with readership growing and last week's prolonged absence, I thought I should say something. I've skipped a Monday or Friday here and there when I've taken off a long weekend, but last week was a combination of taking off Monday for a long-weekend and picking up extra shifts because we let a delivery guy go; being at work at 5am to drive a truck for five hours and sticking around until my regular shift ended at 6pm made it tough to find time to look at porn - how horrible, right? This week I'm around all five days, I'm splitting up the windshield time with another guy until the new driver gets trained, so I'm hopefully back on track.
