"49ccs? What's that, a kid's toy?" Well, it might be if it wasn't equipped with a crossbow and hatchet. The Motoped is a souped-up moped with dirtbike dreams -- they take a small, efficient engine, strap all sorts of manly improvements to it, and call it an extreme machine...which it is. Engine displacement isn't the only way to measure the worth of a bike.

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Count your pennies, baby: the "Captain America" chopper from Easy Rider is going on the auction block. Several were made for the film by Cliff Vaughn, but the mint models were all stolen during production. This one is the bike that crashed at the end, and the director gave it to Grizzly Adams, who worked on restoring it. The style is so iconic they make custom kits just of the Captain America, but drive the real thing around and you'll be the cool kid on the block.

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It turns out that 11% of people admit to having sex while driving. Most of that sounds like basic fooling around, but this couple must've been doing something awfully distracting since they were cuising at 55mph, turned down a dead-end dirt road, and went airborne for 30 feet over a canal, all while half naked and canoodling in the driver's seat. Man, if texting while driving is bad, this is so much worse -- they need to put up PSA billboards to discourage sexdriving now, too!

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Usually, when there's a set of photos of a sexy woman washing a car, it's a Porche or Lamborghini or something, something fast and expensive and red. Lana Kendrick is more practical than that, slipping into her red swimsuit to soap up her Volkswagen Passat. Well, her tits get a little soapy, too, so sexy and smart is the perfect combination!

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Now this is the motherfucking definition of 'sex sells'. eBay seller "babenotincluded" has made it his business model to display all of his motorcycle parts being held by a nearly-naked women. God Bless America, people. Sadly, I've seen less brazen cases of this taken down by eBay for obscenity, so your chance to see the pictures may be a timed event. They're definitely worth seeing.

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Clip shows like Best Week Ever and The Soup have grasped at low-hanging fruit by showing clips of interviews with people who have sex with cars. I mean, crazy right? Sex with a car? That's nuts!

But maybe, just maybe, you're curious about, um, how car sex works - just for science, that's all, not that you'd ever actually try it. So, go here for all the tips you'd ever want for fucking your car. Actually, once you go with these tips, everything is pretty self explanatory. Or so I've heard.

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Star of Oddities and Professional Burlesque-Steamabilly-Whosit Dita Von Teese is selling her 1939 Packard 120 on eBay, probably because the miles are getting up there and it's about time to pick up a late-model 1941 Willys or something. The auction includes a variety of photos of little bits of the Packard with a Dita Von Teese standing in front of it. It's too bad, she's so photogenic but she can't find a real photographer. All the pictures are shifted green and vignetted around the edges, it's like they're using a Happy Meal camera from the 1980s. Maybe she's selling the car to afford photography lessons for a friend. You've got a couple hours to get your bid in.

This goes under 'cars' because it is powered, but usually a scooter doesn't fall under anything but the "lame" category. The Cykno bike, however, is testosterone mixed with a shot of jaguar's blood. Just look at it: who cares if you can't go up steep hills with it; the adoring gaze of horny women as they admire your body straddling this mighty machine will be more important that whatever's at the top of that hill.

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Back in the eighties, me and a couple guys drove up to Fargo to the car show just to see this amazing feat of automotive magic: the original TV Batmobile. I'm not sure we ever saw the real one, but it sure looked like it. After all these years, a custom Futura seems to have really gone up in price: the TV Batmobile sold this weekend for just over four million dollars. It, amazingly, had been owned by the designer who originally built it, but now it's moving on to live with a car collector with deep pockets. Wait...a rich eccentric man buys a crime fighting car? I hope he doesn't plan on donning a cowl and jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Look where that got Adam West.

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Just in time for Halloween, a hearse needed an exorcism before being sent to the grave. A well-adjusted young Canadian drove his car down to his friendly neighborhood Canadian Tire, bought a crowbar and sledgehammer, and starting beating the shit out of his hearse in the parking lot. He was thinking ahead, though: he had already called for a tow truck to take it away, but wanted to make efficient use of his time while waiting for the wrecker's arrival. Police intervened, and rather than shooting the haunted hearse a couple times for good measure, they handcuffed the dude. Canada, is this what's become of you?

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And the winner is: the Lincoln Town Car! It turns out that the reason you are always screaming in traffic at old ladies in Lincoln Town Cars is that it's the #1 car owned by old people. Because they're built like tanks, they'll be around a while even though the Towncar was discontinued last year. The percentages are a bit off; that's the ratio of how many people bought that car, not how many old people own that car. So, that means that nearly every Lincoln Town Car was bought by a senior citizen, so in ten years expect to be able to buy them at estate auctions, with only 10,000 miles on it, for around $500 a piece.

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After yesterday's penis car experience, here's an opportunity to drive the least penislike cars ever: The Smoking Jacket lists Five Crappy Cars Everyone Should Drive Before They Die, a title that can be shortened for people of my vintage to "What I Drove In High School". I rather like the Lagonda, not that I'll ever be able to afford one. I don't know about including the Hummer on the list: the H2 is essentially a generic pickup with ricer aftermarket crap stuck on it; the rest of the cars are so horribly unique and awesome, it's an insult to the DeLorean to be in the same category as the H2.

There's a slight discrepancy in Jalopink's survey of the ten most phallic cars ever. There's a few that are obviously penis replacements - powerful, expensive cars that make it matter less to boring women whether or not you've got anything worthwhile in your pants. The rest, however, are cars that geniunely look like penises. They've got long hoods, little trunk, and a small rounded cab that makes it look like cock-and-balls dildo riding on its back. Some even have exposed exhaust pipes like veins all down the sides. Now that I know what they're supposed to like, I want a Corvette more than ever. I'm not sure what my blocky International Scout is telling people about my genitals.

Alan Shepard was given a 1962 Corvette for being the first man in space, and astronauts have driven them ever since. The tradition lasts all the way into future centuries, because Captain James T Kirk even drives one. Motherfucking hamsters love your car? Jesus christ. These guys went into space, they should know a little something about proper vehicles.

The one way I know to get the attention of an assured 50% of the viewing audience is to show boobs. Sure, I have no idea what they're advertising, especially since it appears to be some Russian thing, but, hey - BOOBS! And, technically, this throws in the second-most important thing to attracting guy eyes: car crashes. Boobs and car crashes, all in thirty seconds - Burger King needs to hire whatever ad agency made this video, they'll totally win all the Addy awards again.

Full video here.

There are days when you walk out your front door and you don't see the most happy thing in the world. Your car with a dinged door. SWAT team taking up positions. Flock of rabid fruitbats hanging from your roof. I can deal with those, but if this truck is parked anywhere nearby, my shotgun and I are heading for the fucking hills:

I have Garmin talking turn-by-turn navigation on my phone, which is handy from time to time, but I'll be the last person to wish it talked more or sounded different. People who wish their navigation box be more forthcoming can download Navtones - the premier edition of which, I'm sure, is FUCKING GARY BUSEY. Seriously, click the sound sample on the Navtones webpage. He honks like a goose. The audio navigation was designed to avoid the distration of trying to read something on a tiny screen while driving, and they hired Gary Busey to completely undo that feature. If you were to download the sounds and put them on 'shuffle', it would be indistinguishable from inviting the real Busey to your party. "Turn Left, and don't pet the lions!" "BOING BOING CALCULATING NEW ROUTE, MAN, HEED MY WORDS NEXT TIME." Hopefully Navtones deleted all the samples of him just making "ABLOOGBAAANNNALALALA" noises. On second though, I hope those are included. There are days that I hope my drive from home to the Blockbuster Video consists of an uninterrupted constant stream of Gary Busey noise. It'll help me practice my zen koans. Via.

Now this is a Harley designed for ass-kicking. The MT500 is a military-grade Harley-Davidson, made through the 90s and into the 2000s, and they turn up on the market every so often, like this one that's on eBay right now for a few grand. Honestly, I really like the flat olive drab, and it looks like it fell out of Robotech, which makes geeks like me drool a bit.

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So, Playboy, what kind of motorcycle riders do you think your readers are? Guys who want their butt resting on an aborted Decepticon turd. On paper, the motorcycles are powerful and not too shabby in structural respects, but the crotch-rocket is so fucking ugly. The one point of respite is that the top of the page is a Harley, a 1200 Sportster, essentially, but eurostyled with matte-black pipes and a plastic, non-Harley-looking butt. Put a normal Sportster on the list, with some chrome and a classic round fender, and then we can talk.

All the guy wanted was a free car, and he found just the opportunity: To earn a free Mini Cooper, all he had to do was tattoo the word "mini" on his cock. The contest, run by - of course - a German radio station, asked listeners for the craziest thing they'd do to win the Mini, and this guy, of course, had to take it to Dick Tattoo Land. Everything in Dick Tattoo Land is a combination of WIN and regrets. Even better: he got the ink live on the radio. Sadly, even if he was well-endowed, the psychological impact of that word on his penis means every woman's reaction is going to be: "aw, is that as big as it gets?"