|
|
 The National Science Foundation, a bastion of intelligence and logic in the United States. Also, of late it's a bastion of worktime porn parusing. One high-ranking official, in particular, spent nearly every day, including weekends, partaking in online porn from his desk. Shouldn't he have been curing cancer or extending my wifi range or something? Porn, is, of course, a noble pursuit, but not when important things are at hand, like figuring out why my MP3 player runs out of battery after six hours. Scientists, get your priorities in gear: solve the energy crisis first, then masturbate in your cubicle.
 Speak up, disease-ridden losers! Shy people have unprotected sex because they're too shy to demand a condom when in the heat of the moment. A survey showed 90% of people know a condom does a pretty good job of protecting against disease, but they can't muster the effort to wrap the cock when the time comes. Don't worry, wimps, there's something you can do about it: "A few minutes spent practising a role play conversation with a mirror" could solve the problem, says experts. So, now you know what to do every morning when brushing your teeth: spend a few minutes convincing yourself that you'll only fuck you if you've got a condom on.
 Tax lawyer William G. Halby just got screwed, but by the U.S. Government. In recent years, Halby spent over $100,000 on prostitutes, pornography, and other sexual experiences, and then tried to deduct it on his taxes as medical treatment. Not so fast, says the Supreme Court: no prescription, no medical treatment deduction. There's your loophole, whore aficionados: get a doctor to prescribe prostitutes as treatment for something - depression, social anxiety disorder, or as exercise to control your heart disease - and you can fuck tax-free 'till the cows come home. Make sure you do it someplace where hookers are legal, though: New York, as Halby found, doesn't let you deduct illegal activities. Also, don't be a tax lawyer, either: the courts frowned on the shenanigans, and fined Halby extra because he shoulda known better.
 The proprietor of Good for Her wants you to know: enjoyable sex is good. Jesus Christ, and all this time I had no idea. Carlyle Jansen started her career by giving dildos to a member of the clergy (admittedly, Rev. MaryAnn Jansen, her sister), and built it into a store and workshop business that extends its services to sex ed programs in schools. That last sentence is so packed full of win that I want to drive to the border to Canada and claim myself a native. Healthy attitudes about sex, from the church to schools to private businesses? My country gave me the impression that this was impossible. Fuck you, America, I want my orgasms to come freely and happily, like in Canada.
 Who the fuck actually buys this stuff? Must be a lot of people: spammers make around $32,000 a week selling fake watches, penis pills, and other illegal sundries through spam. Yes, per week: they make as much a day as I earn in about two or three months. Shit, makes you wonder why you punch a clock every day, don't it? Well, that and the possibility of having your ass tossed in jail for preying on the weakness of others, which I guess is a pretty good deterrent to level-headed guys like me. Fuck me and my honorable behavior.
 Edison, NJ, the place last year's eXXXotica show moved to when Secaucus told them to leave, tried to pass an ordinance restricting adult businesses within a quarter mile of churches, schools, etc. Thankfully, somebody owned a tape measure, and determined that eXXXotica's venue wasn't within the restricted distance, so the sale of dildos is planned to continue unabated. Festivities start today.
Uniontown, Alabama is host this weekend of their annual "footwash" ( some history), originally a small religious event, which has developed into a large hedonistic festival requiring intervention by state troopers. A religious event that has gotten more naughty over time? I like the sound of that - festivals that go the other direction are the suck. Even better: the even is big enough to require state troopers, but there's only like twenty pictures on Flickr, it doesn't have its own website, and most discussion is from people who want to go: apparently what happens at Footwash stays at Footwash. Unless, of course, the media wants to talk to you, then you tell about the sex act you saw, how you got robbed, but how you're totally planning on bringing your grandkids to share in the fun. Sounds like a grand 'ol time!
 The Swedish army has a brassiere problem: the bras pop open during vigorous movement, and aren't fire-resistant. The fire resistant one is an important one, because nobody wants to see burned Swedish boobs, but the bra that lets boobies bounce freely titillates guys like me. Young Swedish soldiers undressing to refasten bras makes me want to enlist in their army. Nubile Scandinavian boobs and a chance to fly a Gripen? There's a reason Sweden is called heaven on earth; even the army is cooler than pretty much anywhere else in the world.
 Farting on flowers must be a huge turn-on, since it seems to be everywhere online. Ass flowers aren't my idea of sexy; move that flower over, I'll feel a bit better about fantasizing about pounding that ass. Flowers just make me feel funny about it.  More from this gallery >>
You've been able to ogle shapely women while buying coffee in Seattle for a while, but some of these boobie baristas have run afoul of the law. Turns out, looking equals performing arts - but letting a little touching happen? That's a-whoring. Five babe-aristas were cited with prostitution by augmenting their tips by allowing a little frisky fondling, along with licking cream off each other, and actually doing some nude photo posing. Those cops spent two of the happiest months ever spying on the babes in order to gather evidence for the trial.
An "Urban Search and Rescue" team was dispatched to a hospital for a very unique task: removing a metal ring from an engorged penis. Hey, assholes: if you don't want to get into the newspaper for having the entire fire department paying attention to your dick, don't stick it into something metal. Penises plus metal holes = doesn't come off. Plus, don't be like this guy: he waited two or three freakin' days before he decided his black and dying penis might be a problem. Penises go in warm, soft things, guys, and you won't have this difficulty.
Dude, Mexico is totally the awesomest place in the world. Look at these jeans they have, which make asses look like ASSES. Shit, all we get are push-up bras that make tits look awesome. Er, no, that's pretty good, too, let's keep those, but there's no reason why people south of the border can have something that we fine Americans are deprived of. This, people, is why we need NAFTA: fine Mexican ass jeans. Without it, our fashion model industry will be taken over by high-assed, cheaper illegal immigrants. It's coming, and it looks like three hours of squats a day.
Can women be a pick-up artist? asks Nerve magazine, who ignores the fact that guys who call themselves a "pick-up artist" are more than likely already meeting the female version of the pick-up artist when they do their 'close', or whatever the hell they call it when a woman responds to their asshollery. Asylum responds, pointing out why Nerve's loser failed, which is a reflection on the pick-up artist lifestyle to begin with: According to some pick-up artists, a good way to engage a woman in conversation is to sound like you're insane. True dat.
Front magazine, an awesome lad mag, gets promo stuff mailed to them, like any other magazine. Check out the shock and horror on the staff hottie below at a new book they received - and imagine my surprise, when it turns out that it's a real fucking book that you can get at Amazon. It's nice to know that some publishers don't fuck around when it comes to what their readers want. This Front reader would like to see that readhead with her own girl to be kissing, though, but that's not something I can buy at Amazon, sadly: 
 People are always coming out with lists of music that'll put women into a make-out mood, but they're never that honest about how much make-out music sucks. Until these guys, of course, who have compiled the five top musicians who suck donkey dick, but also make women's panties wet. The reason each of those are popular musicians, however, is because they don't completely suck: Van Morrison with the Chieftans is an excellent album, Timberlake is actually a bit of a force to reckon with in the media these days, and Jimmy Buffett will always remind you of that time you make out with that pothead chick with the dreadlocks which didn't turn out to be as much fun as you thought after the contact high wore off. I suppose it depends on the kind of woman you're attracting: this list seems to focus on college sluts, or free-wheeling cougars; give me Tom Waits and Tom Jones and The Cure, and I'll show you some freaky english majors opening their legs at supersonic speeds.
I've considered making an icon just for these, because I find switched-line stories so amusing: " Maritime lobster aid phone number connects to sex line" What the what: Lobster aid? " Hello? Help! I'm a wayward lobster, I've gotten myself lost in a large city and there's these rubber bands around my claws, and I think-what? What did you say?...mmmm....how you doin'?" The Lobster aid department reports that there have been no complaints reported. Duh.
The old story about how you're fucking everyone your current sex partner has fucked has been going around for quite a while, eventually making casual sex a nonexistent myth, but leave it to the Brits to actually figure out how many that is. Fuck, all it proves is that I'm lame. When you're done it tells you on average how many sex partners people your age have had, and my number is less than freakin' half. I suppose it's worked into their math somehow, but my primary sex partner for like a decade is an ex-prostitute, so I think my number should be a lot higher; they ask the ages of your partners, but they don't check if she's a whore, and I'll bet that skews things quite a bit. Never forget to count on whores.
Yeah, it should be obvious, but The Frisky has issued a customer safety warning on Cosmo's tips for improving your guy's sexual experience. Don't wank him with grapes, don't fuck up his Camaro's hood, don't try and put your legs behind your head, and for fuck's sake keep that ice away from his dick. Simply avoiding Cosmo's advice should be obvious, but back up the analysis a bit: Cosmo is porn for sexually-stunted women; just as you don't watch porn and think real sex can be done that way, don't read Cosmopolitan and think sex is really done that way. It's like Cosmo is a serialized, surrealist exploded erotic post-novel: it is the art of pornographic literature taken to its absurd extremes. And that's why I'm a subscriber.
Elderly men who have lost their wives are more likely to have an STD than their still-married counterparts. This, my friends, is because those widowers start fucking new people. This gives me some hope - no, not that I'll outlive my spouse, but that slutty chicks will still fuck old guys when I'm that age. When grandpa's getting so much ass that he's on antibiotics for gonorrhea, you should be worshipping the fucking ground he walks on.
The porn clerks that I've met fit into two categories: 50-something stoners, guys who couldn't get into piercing school or can't get a job at a tattoo parlor, and strippers/stripper-afficianados. Er, three categories: stoners, tattoo wannabees, strippers, oh, and and lit majors. Shit. Anyhow, Elitist asshole fucks haven't been behind the counter at adult bookstores in my experience, but Caveman Circus has gotten a letter from one. Truer words have never been spoken; I hope to meet this porn shop clerk someday. And kick him in the balls for being such as dick.
If there's one bad thing I've been saying about Israel, it's the lack of gay porn. Michael Lucas, of gay-porn production company Lucas Entertainment, thinks what Israel needs to survive is a hard, hot injection of gay film. How that will help Israel more than any other place, I'm not sure - I once told people that all Luxembourg needs to survive is a gay porn industry, and they looked at me like I'm crazy - but who's crazy now, Israel? Huh? WHO?
 Tired of your mom driving you to school in the minivan? Feel like you need some awesome way to show that you're so goth you shit bats? Go here, and have your pick of the gothiest movie cars ever. I'm no goth, but I've known a couple, and I'm not sure these all qualify as "goth", exactly. The Munstermobile, and Kitt, maybe, but a Death Race 2000 car? They look like what Rob Zombie would make his kid drive to school, and the kid will say, " Dammit, dad, I'm saving all my money from working drive-through at Hardee's so I can finally buy a rad Honda Element. Cars shouldn't have teeth." And that would be the day that Rob Zombie would realize that he's an old lame dude.
 Apparently, a little blue pill isn't enough: they're turning Viagra into a topical cream that you rub on. I think this is the awesomest idea ever, if only because there's probably some added therepeutic advantage to making her do the rubbing-on. " Oh, baby, I need some rub-on erection help. Oh, no, it's not Viagra, just take some of that Astroglide and get to work on my dick. Trust me, it's a good thing to do." The intent is to avoid the side-effects of the ingestible pill, and the topical application means it'll start working faster.
Dude, I'm apparently the cause of 38% of gayness in the upper Midwest. All porn is homosexual porn, because it makes your sexuality turn inwards, says Michael Schwartz, chief-of-staff for Republican Oklahoma senator Tom Coburn, who, surprisingly, is one of the few Republicans who don't have first-hand experience with how gay sex works. "Rubbing your own penis makes you love the penis more" is about the only possible translation I can get of it, but, dude, looking at boobs is hardly going to 'turn' any guys gay. Watching a guy fuck a woman doesn't make you wish, "boy, I wish that vagina was my ass", it makes you wish "I wish that was my dick in that vagina." However, Schwartz wants you to tell your kids that porn causes the gay, then see how much porn they want to look at. "Playboy will make you gay, Bobby, what do you say to that?" "No, no, please don't make me look at tits, dear God, no!" Schwartz credits a ex-homosexual religious leader for that quote, and if there's anybody you shouldn't trust for gay information, it's a former-homosexual. They've gotta spin a whole lotta crazy in their heads to defeat their predisposed sexual urges.
 Brigitte Bardot and Sophia Loren are both well beyond retirement age: they're each 75, and they're still around to remind people how sexy is done right. Of course, Yahoo! can't find any recent photos of either, but there's plenty of sexy recent Sophia Loren online - Jesus Christ, those tits. Bardot has left her sexpot image behind, looking much more like somebody's grandma - you know, the grandma who you see in photos on her mantle and go, "holy crap, I'd have fucked that three ways from sund-thanks, grandma, I would like some more Quik and cookies."
Somebody needs to call Alice in Human Resources. There's something not quite right about how employees are using the photocopier room, and I think the fax machine has been violated in some unspeakable way: 
More from this gallery >> See also: Stormtrooper strippers.
No wedding ring for us yet, but I've been wearing my high school class ring for the last twenty years, so it sorta applies: These are the places it's OK to leave off your wedding ring, guys, and two of the four - around the house and while doing yard work - are plenty innocent, but taking off the ring at the gym and the strip club are definitely excuses to flirt a little more. Don't tell your wife that, though, because she won't understand, you know. Tell her the stuff about the weights and injuries, and, hell, don't even try telling her about the strip club if she's not invited.
Ever use a female sex doll? I have, actually, but it was a cheap one. Women, really, haven't had much opportunity, although Doc Johnson used to have male blow-up dolls in their catalog. RealDolls are the top-of-the-line for men, but women - at least according to Lemondrop - get Nax, the high-end male sex doll. He's got the hair of the final boss of the internet, a slight, feminine face, a misproportioned body, and a penis more realistic than a toy deserves. Congratulation, ladies: you've crossed a line into creepy that formerly only men treaded beyond. ( via)
Marie Claire has figured it out: they know what men think about during sex. Everything from her orgasm, to his orgasm, to the room around you, to wombats, everything is open to analysis while his dick is pounding her cunt. Shit - everything he thinks about during sex is what he thinks about the rest of the day, too! I spend all day telling myself, " Don't Ejaculate, but STAY HARD!" anyway.
Speaking of hot chicks and champagne, a lot of people put a lot of work into figuring out that people have riskier sex when alcohol is involved. Of course, the biggest risks are pregnancy and disease, but the big point the article uses as a measure of risky sex is whether or not alcohol made you fuck somebody unattractive. My take: it's far easier to blame alcohol than accept that you're running out of options at the end of the night. Also, note the percentages: pregnancy was 13%, disease was only 7%...and I kinda like those odds. I just need to plan on fucking some less-than-attractive ladies more than before. Bring on the whiskey cokes!
It's the age-old story: two teens fall in love, teens are told not to engage in sexy shenanigans, teens get knocked up. And, yet again, when the "don't get knocked up" police are heavily religious, it happens far, far more often. Abstinence-only education is probably a big part, but take a look at how NIMBY conservatives are - they'd much rather control me and mine, the heathens that we are, than ensure they're doing right by their own, because, of course, their kid is being told not to have sex and they've been Saved, so it can't possibly happen. Good luck with that ignorance, religious conservatives, it's going to give you a lot of teenage mommies and daddies.
Em & Lo ask, guys, is there ever a good reason for a woman to get a boob job? The answer is, no, but I like boobs. This does prove, however, that women get boob job for themselves, or because of comparison of other women, and not because they give a damn about men's opinions of their boobs. The "duh" moment there is that once nakedness starts happening, boobs size is low on the list of important things; sure, the touching, twisting, sucking, and fondling of said boobs is a rather high priority, but - dude! - you're touching boobs at that point, nobody cares how big they are.
Dan Savage, who's usually just rude to people who deserve it, has an awesome letter this week about a woman who's boyfriend looks at porn, and she's torn emotionally about it. His porn solution for average people is at once obvious, but also escapes most people: he pretends not to look at porn, out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to believe him, out of consideration for his. This works because if the porn affects the relationship at all, the porn-looker is really the one at fault. I enjoy watching motorcycle races on TV, but that doesn't stop me from giving Gracie a ride on my bike from time to time: the awesome world we live in means that everyone - everyone - can take in pornography and have sex with a person they love, and that's the reason we live in the greatest age of humanity that God has ever seen. Anyhow, Savage also points out that the lady doth protest too much, and that she should go along with being turned on; stop complaining when you've uncovered something that improves sex. No wonder Savage gets a stick up his ass when people ask him stupid questions.
Porn piracy is rampant all around the world, and even though the US pushes a deluge of crappy porn into the universe, we're not the only ones. France and Japan have their own pornographers, but they're not immune to piracy, either. So, what do they do about it? France says, eh, it happens, Japan says fuck you pirates, here's a lawsuit! Japan pornographers have thus taken the RIAA model of media ownership and launched an attack on South Korea, while France has, obviously, surrendered. I'd say that the content has something to do with it: Japan knows there's no other source for tentacle child rape in the world, so they're going to protect their valuable assets, but, come on, who can't get a French woman naked in front of a camera?
If there's one thing China knows, it's what women are doing wrong: nagging your husband will discourage sexual intercourse. The study by "Chinese University" says 81 percent of women who were regularly negative towards their husband had not had sex in the past year, and overall a third hadn't slept with their husband. In the past year. That's a long time; guys reported only five percent sexless for a year, so apparently 25% of women had sex with their husbands but didn't know it. Certainly, all sorts of other possibilities are listed in the article - and women have their own batch of excuses - but those reasons men gave for avoiding sex are all lies - China is certain their country's male sexual dysfunction is not from overwork, poverty, joblessness, disease, or stress, but simply because their wives are too critical. It was so obvious!
Ever worry that all those batteries you go through in your Hoppin' Rabbit are destroying the environment? Well, they are, you plutocratic bitch. Stop and think about trees for an instant. First step: get yourself a human-powered vibrator - wind it up, get it going, and hope to god that the mainspring doesn't unwind before the big "O". OK, ok, it actually still has batteries inside, but rechargables that the crank charges as a womanpowered generator, giving them a longer lifetime than a clockwork toy would. They're destroying the environment less, but the added advantage is you're going to have one big strong arm from cranking that crank over and over, so to speak.
"If you can't breathe, and your nose is running, and your eyes are itchy, and you're sneezing, and you feel awful and you feel tired, you don't feel very sexy," says doctors, but I'm absolutely, positively sure there's a fetishist out there who finds you sexy, Ms. Allergy Sufferer. The rest of us, however, find that allergies get in the way of sex. Nothing like a runny nose dripping on you during sex to end the mood, eh, ladies? Don't hope antihistamines help, either: they either make you sleepy or wired, neither of which are conducive to sex. Best just wait until the snowfall - you can wait that long for sex, right?
While men have been told size doesn't matter (although, see yesterday), they are fine with their penile size when on their own, but when they're in the locker room and can compare, they feel self-conscious about their peckers. Solution? Stop going to locker rooms, men: it only makes you feel bad about yourself. Get fat, go to the bar, remind yourself size doesn't matter, then get laid. Nothing good comes from going to the gym.
Apparently, men in a relationship are twice as likely to be liars. Example from the article: "No, your butt doesn't look big in that." Well, fuck, those aren't lies, those are relationship preservers. If guys were twice as honest, marriage itself would cease to exist. I'm not advocating lying, though - just saying what she wants to hear. That's why she asks the fucking questions. Those can't possibly count as lies.
Dude, I'm not a big sports guy, but I totally need to subscribe to Dish Network so I can get ESPN 22, the one that shows things like the Belgian Bikini Car Wash Championship. My Fantasy Bikini Car Wash League was doing really well, but network TV doesn't carry the championships, those bastards. I mean, come on: the phrase "belgian bikini car wash champion" has awesome built into ever word (although "wash" is a little weak - "wrestling would make it better). DJMick has photos, but doesn't say who won. I mean, besides the audience.
 More sex ed: artist Martina Fugazzotto has penned a handful of sex-ed comics, that, you know, talk to kids like they're not stupid, and that they understand that they might want to have sex some day. I Heart Condoms can be read here. Very girly, and, really, I think if I were a teen I'd feel the faint haze of an adult trying to sound cool, which is suspicious, but I have yet to read any common sex ed documents which admit, hey, girls think their boyfriends are sexy. It's a nice turn from the, "all men are trying to stick their dick into you - don't let them! Oh, unless you get married to them, in which case ignore all sex ed ever told you, that's easy, right?" All sex ed seems to focus on teens not getting pregnant or diseased during their first five years of puberty, completely ignoring that, after that point, society demands you have great sex for the rest of your life. It's the reverse of selling Geometry as, "well, you don't need it now, but someday you'll own a house and have to calculate how much carpet to buy." If sex ed were proportional to the use a person gets out of it, the "don't have sex when you're young and stupid" will consist of the first day, and the next two months will be about pleasuring your partner or spouse. Problem is, teens are young and stupid, which is the way sex ed talks to them. The answer: people like Fugazzotto providing alternative sex ed information, so kids get the "you're stupid and shouldn't have sex at all" and "you're ignorant and should have sex right when you do it", so they're prepared to not have sex when it's wrong, but oh so prepared when sex is right.
Ah, Fox's Sexspert, The way you nibble on your glasses, I - wait, what? Oh, right: eight myths about men! Turns out, we're not all lecherous, sex-obsessed, porn-living erotic monsters you thought we were. The problem is: there's a handful of those guys, and they're always the first men you ladies will meet, tainting your view of us. Heh, "taint". Anyhow, I take offense to FoxSexpert's assertion that we're not the lotharios you think we are: fuck, bitch, we've been trying to build that image for thousands of years, and now you smash it like a beer bottle on my head, which men totally do to each other all the time, because we're so tough. Now how else are we going to tell which ones of us are better at sex than the others? Being gross about sex is totally an even playing field for us to work with.
A new study has - wait, what? - proven that bigger penises are more effective. Well, sorta: only regarding vaginal orgasms (wait, Freud was right?) and it's only a third of women responded as such (which could be just the myth leading the results). Probably the most important part of the article: sex ed is crucial for women to enjoy sex. Hooray, sex ed!
You can tell a lot about a woman by a name: if hers is Mercedes Maxx, yes, probably a stripper. If she has kids, the more of their father's name they share, the more of a whore the mom is. Psychology Today has presented a theory, without a lot of evidence, but it is compelling: having a two-parent family means convincing a father to participate, and the more invested in his kids, the more he participates. Kid shares his last name? More invested. Kids share 3/4 of his name, like Russia? Boy, that guy must really need convincing: his baby momma must really be a slut. ( via)
The Erotic Heritage Museum in Las Vegas, is celebrating their one year anniversary tomorrow night. They bill themselves as the sexiest non-profit in town, which isn't a difficult claim to make since the profit-based sexiness is so, so expansive. So, when you're in Vegas, drop in and then, when queried upon your return, you can say, "nah, we didn't too much, took in a few shows, went to a museum, fucked some hookers- wait, forget that last one."
First, Jenna Haze wins a big AVN award, then she's being "normal" in Hawaii, and now she's performing as the top-billed star in a Twilight porn parody. What hasn't Jenna Haze done yet? Ah, she hasn't been to Fargo - but she'll cross that off her list next Friday when she performs up there at The Northern, which back in my day was called the 4-10 Lounge. Here's the stripclub's website.
Hugh Hefner gets a bad rap for objectifying women, but his detractors overlook the amount of positive work towards gay rights, reproductive freedom, and feminism in general that Hef has accomplished over the past decades. All because shlubs like me like to look at boobs. God bless Hugh Hefner - any guy that's pro-choice, pro-gay, and pro-boobs is the greatest human that ever lived.
Glamour's "Single-Ish" has realized something profound: a good gameshow contestant is like a good significant other. Playful, open, self-aware, authentic, not fake nor contrived. Now we all know why Bob Barker was always surrounded by gorgeous ladies; it wasn't his love of household pets, that's for sure.
Playboy would like you to know that you need to stop doing all that crap they show in R-rated movies to indicate sex. 10 Sex Acts To Retire pretty much throws out all the kink that vanilla sex can get away with, from spanking to handjobs. Handjobs? People still give those? I want one. Anyhow, they're really toeing the line to suggest that threesomes be retired: there's so many people that want it, but haven't gotten to have one, that there's no chance of it retiring soon, not until everybody who's dreamed of a threesome gets one. Can they just grandfather all those people in? That would be awesome, Playboy, you rock. ( via)
In a recent study, nearly every Frenchperson admitted to enjoying porn at some point. They're already ahead when it comes to french kissing, french postcards, french toast, and pardoning my french, so it's good to see that they've caught up to the rest of the world in enjoying watching other people fuck. Women are a little behind, 83% versus men's 97%, and interestingly over half watched porn with their partner. The main source of all this French porning? The internet - yay, internet!
Gather 'round, kids, we're gonna hear a story about the olden days: Wasn't porn so much better back in the seventies, and why doesn't that happen now? Short answer: well, there isn't one, other than that nostalgia always makes things look greater than it was at the time. I do like the point that old porn had a "we're in this together" feel, the same actors and crew had each other's backs, like the first half of Boogie Nights, but then Nena Hartley kept banging other guys and Quiz Kid Donnie Smith had to pop a cap in everyone's ass, and then the porn industry went to hell.
Holy crap, my Netflix queue is full, otherwise I'd so fucking expect this to arrive in my mail tomorrow. Just hearing the title John and Kate Fuck Eight is enough for me to know I will totally rub my cock raw. I can't think of anything sexier than that god damned hairstyle and bitchy attitude, and I guess the Kate is kinda hot too. As long as Kate Goselin keeps turning down Playboy, at least I'll have this parody porn to work off of.
Wish you knew exactly what to say to find a sex partner on OKCupid? I never have tried, but judging from the site's purpose, "yes, please" should be enough, but the number-crunchers say they've figured out even more successful language. "Piercings awesome zombie tattoos haha sorry" is the kind of sentence that soaks her panties clear through, while leetspeak turns them off. Oh, sluts: why do you make language so complicated?
If you have seen American Apparel ads and wondered, "hey, these don't look as slutty as they could be," here's the ones you're looking for: the fifty hottest AA ads in history. Some are gimmies: if you remember, American Apparel hired pornstars to sexy their ads up more than they already were, which is a feat never before seen in human history. Makes you want to buy some tube socks right now, I tell you what.
The UK, unable to tolerate sex in public unless it's at night in a park, has told a corpse-based artist that his fucking dead people aren't OK. So, he's made them less "people", and more "sex organs intersecting", by cutting up the dead bodies. No, you won't be turned on - the included picture of the skinless fornicators is pure, unadulterated nightmare fuel. Go look, prove me wrong.
Answer: how to stimulate the economy. Don't spend your money at Wal-Mart, buying cars, or paying bills, that just sends money overseas. Stimulate the economy by supporting those rare entirely-American business just down the street from you: hookers, rummage sales, ballgames, and tattoos. God Bless America!
Yeah, half sound like jokes, but the other half of the weirdest sex questions on Yahoo are the ones to worry about. Don't forget to read the answers; the pedobear one's answers are hilarious in their naivety.
Dude, I had no idea: when a man meets a woman, he'll check out her tits and ass within the first second of meeting her. The reason? " Men may be looking more often at the breasts because they are simply aesthetically pleasing, regardless of the size." There you have it, ladies: men look at your tits because they are absolutely gorgeous, whether they're big or small; oh, and the article doesn't say anything about it, but a little cleavage is nice. And a thin bra so we can see your nipples through it. Now that's gorgeous.
Hey, guys, wanna know why women have sex? Just because. From boredom to laziness to sympathy to...well, I suppose "enjoyment" is somewhere in there, but it's far from the only reason. Don't take it too hard, guys: you're still better off pretending that the reason she's fucking you is because you're God's gift to women, just make sure to take out the trash later.
I've got a rather negative view of the modern church - any church - in general, but these guys give me some hope: the guys behind XXXChurch and the Strip Church have a book out and are on the road promoting it. I've always been wary of these guys, but the more I read, the more I like 'em. No, no chance of converting me, but they love people like me anyways, and they're not interested in what I do, but who I am. That's unlike their arch enemy, the Westboro assholes, who would rather destroy the sinner to prove wrong the sin. XXXChurch has it right: be open, accepting, and educational, and you'll attract more flies with honey than vinegar. I think that was in the Bible somewhere.
Next week, President Obama will be parking his rusty van a block away from the playground, with "Free Candy" spraypainted on the side. Even worse: he's going to talk to the children about personal responsibility and achievement. Indoctrination! Brainwashing! Obama appears on TV, and he's going to undo all the hard work done to turn the children of America into conservative assholes! Parents: you have the most influence on raising your children to be assholes, so stop accusing the President of messing that up. Don't worry: your douchebaggery is not lost on the youth of America, Conservative Parents.
You know I like the sexy old album covers, but somebody has pulled together the sexiest album covers from modern times. I knew about the Amorica Hustler cover and the Ween underboob cover, but, damn, that Sugar Ray cover is definitely #1. They are missing, however, the "flaming head nude women" from Jane's Addiction's Nothing's Shocking. If masturbating to women's heads on fire is wrong, I'm not sure I want to be right.
Here it is, in one concise article: the reasons why French woman are the greatest women in the world. Get over the stereotypes of "smelly" and "don't shave" - they've got an attitude about love and sex that makes the neurosis of other Western women sound like damaged goods, but, frankly, modern attitudes are trying to turn American gals into French gals, which is a win-win for everybody involved.
The Fox SexPert has a list for you: eight myths about women's sexuality. It is, surprisingly, pretty right on: women like sex pretty much as much as men do; they can like a one-night-stand without feeling shame, they fantasize about whoever they feel like, and she could certainly cheat if given the opportunity. And, frankly, knowing and accepting that is a good thing: there's freedom in accepting that you're just as slutty as men, ladies.
Remember how, yesterday, Aubrey O'Day was cool for defending masturbation? Turns out, she spent a lot of the rest of the show saying dumb things. Rule 1 of those shows: don't say anything remotely controversial, especially if your boobs mean they don't take you seriously anyway. Poor Aubrey: use this as a learning experience, you've got the beginnings of being a smart, attractive woman, don't let them get you down, even if they spend the next ten years referring to you that babe who loves Hitler's brain.
Planning on getting a degree, but want to find a place where you won't have to give up your taste for casual sex? Look no further than this list, which identifies the best and worst schools to get laid at. Conditions have to do with male-female ratios and moral leanings, U.S.. All that hot weather must do something to people's brains.
We all know who really benefits from breast enhancement - and this ad for an online dating site makes it crystal clear. My only recommendation: put the glasses on the one on the right, and he'll be smiling even bigger: 
Yes, I'm eight years old. The "flower farter" designation is very literal to me. I imagine, just before the camera's shutter clicked, she farted and then - *pop!* - she produced a flower. That look on her face means, "oh pardon me - wait, what was that noise? Do I smell carnations?"  More from this gallery >> See also: Flower Farter 1 2 3 4.
Art restorers have found a huge dick in a painting. It's called something about girls and priapus and offerings, and at some point in history a more conservative owner had Priapus' dick painted over. Now, all these centuries later, the emasculated god of erections has been brought back to his entire glory.
Two-fifths of women admit to cheating, according to a new study, compared to only a third of men. The study was conducted in the interest of science: promoting the opera, and as such can be deemed totally factual. They also seem to consider "cheating" a wide swath of inappropriate behavior, including kissing some guy at the club and unconscious flirting. The interesting part: ten percent of women aren't interested in monogamy, which means, guys, your chances for an open relationship are higher than you thought, meaning the likelihood of having neither your wife nor a stranger available for sex is much better than you thought!
I know, anyone who goes on these shows should expect to just get yelled at for whatever they say. You: "I like to eat potato chips when-" Hannity: "YOU SOCIALIST BASTARD, YOU DON'T GET IT." Anyhow, Aubrey O'Day is on during a segment of Hannity and His Ego, in which they are complaining about that old problem of teaching masturbation to kids. Here she is, explaining that children, especially boys, like to touch their wiener from a young age. Hannity, however, asserts that he remained pure of loins well into his older years, but in effect admitted to masturbating on national television. Oh, Hannity: I, for one, think if you embraced masturbation at an earlier age, with the strength of the United Nations behind you, you might not be as big of an uptight ass as you are today.
I twit from time to time, and I've seen this first-hand: pornographic bots made up a large chunk of the Twitter universe. I block a couple a day, and half the time they're already deleted accounts. The link above is Business Weekly, who is concerned that the porn spam will damage Twitter's business model, which, at the moment, seems to be to give away a lot for free without asking for any money in return - which, on the outside, looks like an iron-clad business model immune to the recession or unemployment figures, but, well, spammers can fuck just about anything up if given enough time.
Here's the key to a long-term relationship: stop the guy from having orgasms. The more orgasms he has with you, the more bored he gets, at least according to the HuffPo. So, blueballs are the path to happiness? Fuck that, I disagree: the same orgasm is the problem. People who have their orgasms differently all the time have less of a problem with bordeom, and I know that from first-hand experience.
It's all over the internets: people are questioning whether or not Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990. Glenn Beck is, of course, a political talking head who recently moved from radio to television, entertaining the masses with what I interpret to be psychotic breaks involving tears and/or yelling. Because he's a libertarian, I'd like to give him the benefit of a doubt, but the inherent Libertarian tolerance for gun ownership gives me pause - and his attitude on mass murder is startling if you remove the "I'm just a guy on TV, you can't hold me to what I say" attitude that these talkshow hosts love to hide behind. You'll notice that his Wikipedia article shows no reference to any murder or rape at this time, although the story seems to be breaking at the moment, with most search results occuring today or yesterday. This post includes some additional information regarding a murder on an isolated cul-de-sac in West Harris County, TX, on August 23, 1990. It is unlikely any new information will appear on this topic, unless Beck decides to speak up on the matter because, well, if you've read this far you might start to realize that this is probably a rather tasteless, but interestingly crafted, proof that by manipulating the media you can begin to make facts from out of nowhere, thus proving themselves. The accusation that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990 is completely, 100%, entirely false, and can be disregarded, as well as death panels, Trig's real mother, Obama's birth certificate, Area 51 cover-ups, and all the other sort of stuff that bored and useless pundits manufacture to give themselves something to talk about - not that Beck has ever done that himself, of course not, and don't believe me about Beck's crimes. I'm just a guy on the internet, you can't hold me to what I say. Take these guys, though, who appear to have started the meme. Update: the official website.
Guys don't necessarily have this problem, but they could definitely learn something: how a woman can have an orgasm. Just in case you hadn't read it in Cosmo this month. Or at The Frisky last week. Or in Glamour Magazine in 1989. Or in that feministy book your Mom lent you back in the 9th grade but wouldn't admit it when Dad asked where it came from. Orgasms are important, god damn it, it can be told and retold forever without being a bad thing.
Dear God, he's on to something: how men who just want to sleep around get to sleep around. Answer: honesty. Guys who act like they want a girlfriend end up with a girlfriend and crossed communication lines. Guys who are clear that they want a fuck and nothing more quickly and efficiently find women with the same hobbies. Blows your fucking mind, don't it?
Holy Taco would like you to know that bikini car washes aren't all they're cracked up to be. Oh, sure, there's boobs, but...wait, what are we talking about? Oh, bikini car washes aren't the best wash, the quickest wash, you might be kind of creepy for going to one, but...BOOBS. Taco thinks there's more negatives, but I think, worst case scenario, it's a wash. Heh. See also.
Last Friday, Palo Alto, CA, has done something so many other cities with they could claim: hosted the first National Single Cougars Convention. It's hard enough to find a Cougar these days, let alone a single one (makes you wonder why they added that qualifier to the title, hm?), so it was awfully kind of somebody to put them all in one room together for twenty-somethings to paw at and eventually get a no-strings-attached cougar-fuck upstairs in her hotel room. Sorry, guys: the only way this works is because those women have a cute name, as a whole: your "thirty-something pudgy single unemployed guy" convention is actually called "I hate that bar, it's full of assholes" by the general public.
|
|
|
|
