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 It has been five years since I last noticed, since it's not honored on most mall kiosk calendars, but today is National Orgasm Day! Not that it's a big deal: I prefer to think that every day is orgasm day in my pants. However, the Glamour article linked above seems to think it's mostly about women masturbating, without help from men. What fun is that? Doesn't sound like much of a celebration; sounds like somebody didn't plan to have a date to the National Orgasm Day parade and potluck, that's what I think.
Source of the photo is about a woman for whom every day is Orgasm Day.
 One girl giving two guys a blowjob at the same time? A foursome with the guys facing each other? Those were totally invented by Brazzers, a product of modern super-offensive pornography, right?
Bzzzt, wrong. It's the product of artsy Enlightenment and Victorian artists, who sit around thinking of sex when they're supposed to be illustrating books. Like these ones: sure, they're supposed to make an illustrated alphabet for adults, but let's go really adult, some Russian artist from the early 20th century decided. Don't get too excited about it being a product of our century - sexy letters go back hundreds of years and cover much of the world. Well, not China or Japan I suppose: artists trying to make erotic alphabets of the complex eastern symbolic languages went insane from the undertaking.
Via.
 Everyone jokes about going to Las Vegas to get a hooker, or watch 'reality' shows about women who work in the brothels - but do you really know how it works? The Smoking Jacket has everything you need to know about how Nevada brothels work, and then some. Before you embarass yourself, read this before you book that discount Vegas flight you and the guys are always talking about.
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New York City, long known for the descreteness of its residents, held a contest to find the tiniest penis in town. You didn't have to BE from Brooklyn, you just had to show up and enter yourself in the tiny penis competition, which should get you an award right there. Some guy called Nick "The Delivery Man" Gilronan won, so you can be happy to know at least you don't have a Gilronian-sized penis.
If you missed Read Naked Day (or were simply naked with nothing to read), this publisher has a series of scholarly books on some of the nastiest shit you can imagine. Sorry, they're not real books, but the fact that someone can imagine it doesn't mean it won't really exist someday. Right now, out there, some lazy anthropology PhD candidate is finding his subject of study somewhere in this website.
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 Seriously, I spent all that time redoing the basement, building a cool bar from old barn wood, I bought that beer sign online for way more than I should have spent, and finally when I invite friends over the first thing they do is lose the cueball from my new pooltable. Seriously, everyone stop doing what you're doing and help find it. That cueball has to be around here somewhere.
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 Some guy has finally found who is to blame for all the nasty, nasty porn on the internet: it's Apple. Specifically, it's Apple's internet-connected devices, which provide access to all that, mmmmm, nasty nasty porn, oooh, that's available on the internet. It's the same reason I sued Ford for my beer-belly, because they made it oh-so-easy to head down to the drive-thru liquor store rather than walking there. The bastards, making me fat and making this dude's dick all chafed. This is what happens when you let corporations run free.
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 You know that hip-hop artists are all about fashion, "popping tags" and all that, so it's no wonder that designers want to include the input from those same hip-hop artists in their design process. This has brought us this amazing collaboration from Kanye West and A.P.C., which is...um.... a plain white T for $120 made from 'egyptian cotton'? There must be something awesome about it for the shirt to sell out almost immediately. That's not the only "selling out" in this collaboration, I suppose.
On the other hand: you who scoff at such a thing, haven't you ever seen the $90 handkerchiefs - sorry, "pocket square" - at your men's store? Seriously, a square of fabric with a hem is fucking expensive. Anyone who is surprised that high fashion charges exorbitant rates for simple items probably does all their shopping at Wal-Mart. A loose-cut t-shirt made from nice fabric is hardly something you can just get in a pack of three from Hanes. People are paying $120 for the tag in the back of the Kanye shirt, only marginally for the egyptian cotton, so there's more about hip-hop fashion in this transaction than just buying a comfy t-shirt.
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Inventors are always pushing the limits of what is possible. For instance: you want a bra that falls off when people applaud. Version 3.0 was the one that worked apparently. Oh, Arduino: is there nothing you can't do? Clap on, clap off-woah, tits! Note that one of their earliest attempts involved incendiary devices, so you know it's a guy working on it.
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 There's a company making tank tops with fruit names across them, in hopes that ladies will help onlookers identify their breast size. Note that, due to the average size of fashion models, they couldn't even find anyone to properly fill out a "melons" shirt. Just watch out for the lady wearing one that says " DURIANS", that means "keep away!"
Via.
Religious types have called for an online boycott of pornography, and they're calling it the One Million Men Porn Free movement.
I tried, oh, God above, I tried to stand with my fellow man and not look at pornography, but then I realized I wasn't a fucking religious nutcase and got over myself.
As has been proven, over and over, Christians partake in a whole lot of porn. Just in terms of population percentage -- it's not like American is 80% atheist who need to clean up their act. And places where the numbers of loud Christians are highest have the highest porn usage, too. It's obvious that fear of God does little to prevent porn enjoyment.
So, what this whole movement is about is this: you, Christians! Yeah, you guys, wanking to the internet - you're making Jesus sad! So, they've made a public announcement that good Christians should step up and agree to not look at porn.
Um, because if there's one thing good Christians do now is admit that they're watching porn, huh? Why do they think that these one million men are going to not keep doing what they're doing already and just give lip service to giving up on masturbating and porn?
So, keep at it, frustrated religious leaders who fear they've lost control of their follower's penises. No worries; the porn industry has been doing awesome for decades thanks to your follower's poor self control. Getting men to claim they're giving up porn isn't going to help, because they're still doing what they've always done: they tell you the porn is gone, when it's still shoved between the mattress for a little self-abuse when Jesus isn't looking.
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 It's official: lovemaking adds years to your life. Having sex regularly makes you look five to seven years younger, which makes self-conscious thirtysomethings feel better about those gray hairs and little wrinkles. What they don't realize is you have to keep it going, and if they're uncomfortable with old people sex then they'll creep themselves out. There's nothing wrong with old people sex; it's no wonder people are living longer, what with the added access to condoms, viagra, and dildos. It's almost like the sexual revolution caused old people, and it's downright glorious.
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 So, you bought a bunch of woodworking tools, and all you've made so far is 54 of those " old lady butt" cut-outs for people's flower gardens? Pick up your tools and do something awesome: make yourself a guitar by buying this DVD at Amazon. It's only the beginning: you'll be making a double bass before you know it, and that kinda looks like old-lady ass if you look at it right.
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 So, despite last night's fireworks you still have all your fingers and you didn't fall into a bonfire or die of alcohol poisoning, so what do you do today on the 5th? Read Naked Day, that's who! Sure, all their photos are of sexy ladies reading profound books, but just picture 40-something naked guy me, 20 pounds overweight, reading Salem's Lot for the twelfth time and then you'll really understand what this holiday means.
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