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Spencer Gifts: Porn Shop!

Politicians in Maine are in a sticky spot: is Spencer Gifts a porn store? They are concerned that the naughty objects you can buy at Spencer's qualify it to fall under the adult business restrictions of local laws. Spencer's says, what about the lube and condoms and "sore muscle" massagers at Wal-Mart and Walgreens? My argument: Yes, buying penis-themed products isn't for kids, but I can't think of an un-sexier store to buy them in than Spencer's. Really, a 14-year-old boy buying an ICP cap, some fart-smell spray, and an inflatable sheep fuck doll to make his friends laugh is hardly a sexual awakening. Spencer's is terrified that they'll have to stop selling that crap to stupid teenagers, and that will completely eliminate their customer base. Stoners don't have money, and the pseudogoths moved down to Hot Topic - nobody will be left! (via)


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Smut In London!

Going to the Emerald Isles? When in London, fire up the barbie and tune into Corner Gas, but don't forget to partake in some porn. Time Out London even makes it easy for you: they've got a list of the best sources for erotic reading in the British capital. When you're feeling a little culture shock, nothing makes it better than some porn with extra 'u's in the word colour.

Anya's Huge Soapy Boobs

It's freakin' amazing: Anya found a bathtub big enough to accommodate her huge tits. It might surprise you, but her bubble bath budget is astronomical, only I'm not complaining:

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No More Mixed Doubles!

Alas, so many sports photographers will be losing a potential moneymaking source: an aspiring tennis star has decided her 34FF breasts are in the way, and is planning a breast-reduction surgery. Just think of all the mid-swing breast photos they could have sold! Don't believe me? The London Paper has provided a slideshow of the breasts in question, so you can see what assets she's dealing with on the court. To quote the website's comments: "your boobs are more precious than tennis". Someday, tennis will fall by the wayside, but her breasts will never leave her.


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Drill, Pound...SAND!

Holy fuck, I need to go to Home Depot right now. This two-minute long commercial for various power tools, as demonstrated by bikini-clad, oiled and sweaty babes, really gets my router...routing...or something like that. Turns out, it's just an extremely well done edit of a video for Benny Benassi's Satisfaction. Still, I think I might need to stop down at Home Depot for a few minutes, just to make sure:


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Quick Trigger: Genetic!

Hey, guys, it's not your fault! Premature ejaculation may be genetic, thus the insta-spurt as soon as you get your dick into a woman can't be your fault. Previously, it was seen as psychological, but now it may be heavily ingrained into a man's genes. Now, if only they'll find the source of the "aren't you done yet?!?" that I'm always getting asked.


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Figured Out At An Orgy!

I've never been, so to speak, because orgies aren't something that just walk up to you and ask you to come along. That is, unless you're attending a slutty college - Greta Christina and her boyfriend, without any other plans, got invited to a spontaneous orgy, and she happened to learn a couple things about herself in the process. Who knew: orgies are educational! I suppose that's because it happened at an institution of higher learning. Late-thirties me should go hang out at a university for a while, hope some of this "learning" will fall in my lap, too!

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Stupid Men's Accessories!

You think you're all fashionable and shit because you've bought yourself some thick, black frames and wear sandals everywhere you go? Think again, hipster loser, you're poorly accessorizing! Slideshows, by nature, are annoying, but this one has included some funny:
"Jester Hats:
What He Thinks It Says About Him: I'm the life of the party!
What It Actually Says About Him: I am a sad clown.
"

Caveman Babe!

Sometimes, I think these porn photographers have just a few issues with women - for example, this set, in which a woman starts tied up with nobody around, but then cavemen show up, give her a bone (literally), and she grins seductively while playing the bongos. Analysis: at a formative age, somebody's mom told him that artistic photography was nerdy, and only jocks get babes:

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Fuck Your Car!

Ever feel the overpowering urge to have sexual relations with thousands of pounds of raw power? Er, are you sure? No? Objectophilia isn't just a Boston Legal joke: this guy has had sexual relation with many cars, and - gasp - a brief affair with the helicopter from Airwolf (that slut). If you're in the UK, supposedly he's going to be on TV talking about fucking cars, which they are calling 'mechaphilia', as if we needed another word for sex; it's like eskimos and snow, but much, much more penis.


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Beer: Manly, Fat!

Women in the U.K. aren't beer drinkers, because, in their words, it's manly, and it'll make you fat, to which Chicago women replied, "who da fuck is you calling fat, beeitch, and I need another Natty Lite o'er here!". Me, I don't drink beer because it tastes like ass and, well, ass-ass. Whiskey cokes are the way to go, men or women; make it a whiskey-diet if you're that worried you're drinking so much that it's your weight to be worried about, Mrs. I'm-OK-To-Drive.


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Virginity Auction: Done!

Some guy won a woman's virginity for around $13,000, and now she's telling the story. Short of it: losing your virginity is lame, uneventful, lacks fireworks, and hurts a little. Buy, hey, she could make a nice downpayment on a car with hers: most women just spendthe next few weeks trying to keep the attention of their boyfriend and worry they're pregnant.


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Vulgar Periodic Table!

Sometimes, there's something naughty to say, but you're not sure where it falls in the structure of vulgarity - get this poster, and you'll have a basis. If it works like the real periodic table, you can also figure out which go together with others more readily and effectively, but watch out for creating a critical mass: somebody might get hurt:
(originally from College Humor, copied to sex is funny, linked by sexoteric.)


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Hooker: Free Ad Bad!

Let's say you run a sex-focused website, and you need content. Why not take ads for escorts from other websites and run them for free on your own? No go, says those free-ad hookers, adding: "It's attracting idiots, bloody psychos. They say they are just making inquiries but they just sound weird. I had one who asked me if I would come up to Auckland." My guess is "coming up to Aukland" is something akin to a snowball blowjob, but I'm not sure. Anyhow, advertising gurus know you want ads targeted and relevant, which is why you can't see an unblurred T-shirt in a rap video or on John and Kate Plus 8. The guy who ran the ad for free thinks the prostitutes are crazy to be against his charity, claiming lots of women enjoyed the free attention. My guess is those homely hookers were more than willing to "come up to Aukland," so to speak.


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Milwaukee Sexpert Recommends!

I once saw Milwaukee Sexpert open for Jason Mraz at First Ave, but one of their namesakes has some recommendations of sex toys and other erotic aids, in time for National Masturbation Month. The best part: two of their recommendations are male toys.


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Russian Art Porn!

Porn was largely illegal in Soviet Russia, but they did have something to tide themselves over: horny artists with nude models at their "disposal", so to speak. The paintings are far from the pinup or pornstar vein, but when you're home from a long day waiting for food or avoiding arrest for subversive thoughts, your dick will take whatever it can get.


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Porn: Not Glamorous!

Let's say you're a young housewife, and your husband has a new job: pornographer. Think it'll be all fun and games? Duh - it's a fucking job, and it's about as exciting as filming industrial safety movies. And there's no awesome hand-severing special-effects in porn, usually.

Soapy Olivia

Sweet little Olivia: your soft, pale skin barely looks dirty, but you still say you need some help in the bath to get all clean. Something about the skills my hands have; I'm not sure I'm getting what you mean, but I'll be in right away anyway:

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Hef Selling Playboy?!?

It's probably an obvious move, given Playboy's troubles in keeping with the pack in the era of modern pornography. Hef is talking to Brit Richard Branson about selling off Playboy and its holdings to the UK millionare, which makes sense on a couple levels. First, Virgin isn't a sloppy business and has its hands in all kinds of media. Second, have you seen Richard Branson? He's all kinds of hot and dreamy, very much a modern version of the Playboy that Hef was portraying in the 1950s. There had been talks about passing the reins on to Maxim a few years back; if there's anything Playboy can benefit from, it's avoiding the lad's-mag genre.


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Group Sex: Women Like It!

A recent survey shows that women are just as interested in a threesome as guys are. Those surveyed? Well, um...they were voluntary respondents from the userbase of a dating and swingers website; Churchy McBoringfuck isn't probably available on a swinger's website to balance out the adverse selection, but, hey, it does show that swingers are pretty evenly matched in genders, at least among those willing to admit it. And, by 'group sex', they largely mean threesomes - don't get your orgy-lovin' panties all wound up, mister, you're still going to have to hire hookers to balance out the participants next weekend.


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Happy Spa Ending!

I haven't experienced such things, but it's nice some scientists are willing to take the plunge: a researcher from the Nerve think-tank describes going to a spa which offers "happy endings", which sounds far more pleasant than anyone could have explained; just the ambiance sounds like a fun time, without the extracurricular activities. If only the writer had read an article like this before going, he'd have been far less nervous. Still, it's a sample of one, and I'd probably end up at a creepy massage parlor, run by people of indeterminate gender and lack of running water.


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Picasso: Pornographer!

Picasso's a tough artist to follow: Cubism isn't always the easiest to get in to. So, imagine my surprise to find out that half of the Picassos I've seen are about sex. Check out Dora the Explorer here, who ventured a little too far into the Minoan labyrinth:
The article also has a centaur-related one. Picasso was a man beyond his time: he could have been a freakin' millionaire if the current hentai market existed in the thirties.


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Watch More Porn!

Got low testosterone levels? Sure, there's all kinds of medications and pills that could be used to help your deficiency, but if you want a big jump in testosterone levels, there's an easy way: According to Newsweek, you should watch lots of porn. While the testosterone-boosting pills have side effects, these are more manageable: partakers of the Pornophyx Testosterone Replacement therapy may experience such side effects as: chafing, couchpotatoitis, unreasonable expectations of women, and a sinking feeling that you're watching too much porn. That last one: ignore it! You're boosting your flagging testosterone, Mr. 42-Year-Old Married Guy! Once your wife understands that, she'll stop bugging you about those strange overseas credit card payments. It's in your health's best interest.


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Porn Day on YouTube!

Aw, man - my desk calendar didn't tell me yesterday was Porn Day on YouTube! Er, wait: Porn Day was a coordinated attempt to upload porn to YouTube, the kind of asshollery that doesn't make a point but causes all kinds of trouble, but that's what you can expect from eBaum and 4chan users. Don't they know that there's plenty of places online to get porn, without having to upload it yourself? They should spend more time on the internet, those 4chan users.


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Convention Nookie!

Going to any conventions soon? If you're not interested in spending all your time in an empty hotel room, here's how to get laid at a convention. Of course, they're focusing on Sex 2.0, which has a higher percentage of sex-friendly attendees than, say, the Librarians and Museum Curators Convention in Pewaukee, Wisconsin, but you never know...librarians can be rather hot, sometimes. (via)


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Photoshop Giant Penises!

It seems there aren't enough men with giant cocks in the porn industry: Photoshop is the go-to- penis enlarger for those huge-cock sites you love, so you no longer need to cry yourself to sleep at night, Mr. 9 Inch, thinking you're not good enough.


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Geeks Better In Bed!

When quizzed on their use of sex toys in bed and their willingness to care about their partner's sex enjoyment, nerds were more giving than men in fitness-related jobs, proving that nerds are fucking grateful to find a woman willing to give of herself in the bedroom. Personal trainers, business owners, construction workers? They're hot, who needs to try harder? I'm not sure where I fit: my paycheck says I'm a manual laborer, but the amount of math and design in my job leads me to call myself a nerd much of the time. That makes me both god's gift to women and an excellent lover. What's a guy like me to do?


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Masturbate-a-thon Winner?!??

I had no idea you could win a masturbate-a-thon: I thought it's very existence was a WIN for any participant. Turns out, some wanker called Masanobu Sato "won" this year's Masturbate-a-thon by holding on for nearly ten fucking hours. Holy crap, I'd have passed out well past the 2-hour mark; fifteen people drowned in the ensuing orgasm. It's amazing; you think it only exists in Anime, but, well, 10 hours of masturbating is a surreal event. (Via, who also linked to a slideshow of the event.)


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Pornocalypse Now!

Taking a gonzo tack at writing about this pornographic cultural revolution we live in, Adbusters has an article fitting for their site, full of art and style, but not saying much, on how pornography is shaping and shaped by our culture. An fun read, but about three times as long as it needs to be. Just read that 2/3 that needs to be cut; it's more interesting than the rest. (via)


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Billy Mays: Pickup Artist!

Oh, how I wish this article went into greater detail: Billy Mays, Mr. Oxyclean himself, has plenty of tips for the pickup artist. It does make sense. What products are "As Seen On TV?" They're the ones that you wouldn't just happen across at the store, or have no predecessor for a cultural anchor. They're the unique thing that nobody knows they want yet...exactly what a pickup artist is. Or tells themselves they are; most pickup-artists I've met are generic, lookalikes with little else redeeming about them. If one starting selling himself with a Billy Mays approach, I'll bet he'd have far more opportunities to fuck hot women than Mr. Sensitive-Tease-Mc-Flirty-Ass. I'm sure Billy Mays fucks, what, ten, fifteen women every night? He's a freakin' dynamo.


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Folsom Street Fair: Perverts!

The Folsom Street Fair, "the world's largest leather event", will be taking to the streets this September, subjecting the world to a culture of happy, self-aware people who tend to do things that the average person would find scary. As sort of a 'poke' at the average, nuclear family, Folsom's advertising for this year features an average, nuclear family...made up of an interracial conglomeration of hotties and beefcake, each decked out in a different genre of fetishwear.
Oh, boy, do the "Family Values" nerds not like being poked: It's homosexual! People are nude in public and nobody's stopping them! Perversion is perverse! "San Francisco also features a homosexual organization whose members dress up as nuns." Dear God, what is happening in the world?!? It is completely unacceptable that one of the more sex-friendy (with limitations, of course) religions, Catholicism, would be mocked by a sexual minority - hell, Catholicism should be embraced by the sexual subculture for recognizing sex is supposed to be fun. Christian evangelical politicos? They definitely need to be mocked. You see, it is completely impossible for a family to include both a black woman and a U.S. Marine and a guy with tattoo sleeves. Stifling religious control is required to imitate those social icons which represent the truth of American culture: imaginary families invented for television during the censorship of the Code years. When these religious types attend a leather fetish event, they do not deserve to be offended so. Remember, everyone: family values are designed to exclude and punish those with differing worldviews than this imaginary construct of an appropriate family: without guilt, how else would people know that getting kinky at an approved, sanctioned kink event was wrong?

Bowling Problems!

Cherish's only experience with multicolored balls was the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese, so she was very disappointed when she "jumped in" and everybody laughed:
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Best Dad Ever!

Sometimes, dad's just do the right thing. When trying to figure out what to give his son as a gift, this dad was truly inspired: he decided to take his son to a prostitute, to lose his virginity. Best. Present. Ever. Apocryphally, this isn't particularly uncommon, but the stars weren't aligned for this dad - he got caught in a prostitution sting. The judge felt for the father's attempt at being a good daddy, and let him go without any jail time. Thank god for reasonable judges! No word on the state of the son's virginity, especially now that it is prime-time news.

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Ron Jeremy: New Movie!

Here's how Ron Jeremy describes a new movie he's in: "If aliens could see the Earth the first thing they'd notice is satellites. What's the biggest thing on satellite? Porn. What's the biggest thing in porn? Me. The aliens infiltrate my penis and it severs from my body during a sex scene and runs along the floor and starts a killing spree.." Um, sounds like a freakin' classic, dude. Still, it's always nice to hear Ron Jeremy talk about his life and business - they guy is always so grounded and approachable; it's no wonder women like to see him in porn. He's the guy they all want to date: friendly, funny, and with a huge dick.

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How To Give a Blowjob!

Sorry, guys, this article isn't for you (well, unless you want to learn how to: that threesome you've been asking your woman for might not be MFF like you think) - how to give a blow job is a useful tutorial to lots of women out there; I like oral, most men like oral, as long as it's done right. One caveat, if you're a woman uncertain about her oral sex talents: a huge number of men can't orgasm just from oral sex. I'm one of them - but you need to remember that it's not because the blowjob is bad. More than likely, his orgasm meter is sitting at about 85%; it just can't get any higher that way, but you're blowjob is pushing him most of the way, and that feels freakin' good. Do it until you get tired of it, then move to something else - just because he didn't come doesn't mean you weren't good enough, it means he spent 10 minutes so close to an orgasm that he could barely stand it.

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What's Wrong With Porn?

The Art of Manliness has gone traitor: they dare say bad things about pornography! Their points, however, do have some weight: but they're problems with pornography, not failures of pornography itself. Porn being a filthy industry? In many ways it is today - but that's a problem with how producers run their business, not pornography itself, and could be changed without making "ah, it's nude people having sex!" be the error - there's more than a handful of porn producers who treat their female talent and characters right; they're sadly the minority, but they didn't solve it by quitting the porn industry. It objectified women and gives unreasonable expectations of sex: dude, have you watched anything Hollywood has done in the past hundred years? That's entertainment! It's not pornography's nature, it's a problem with what people want to see and how it's presented to them. It messes with your sexual pleasure and "manly" confidence? Go to a fucking counselor, Nancy, because you're doing it wrong. Blame rock music for suicides, Victorian poetry for ennui, and crime on guns, because there's a casual connection which makes it easy to lay the blame on a single source - it's the American way! All the problems come down to one thing: Looking at naked people doing naughty things is freakin' fun, but lots of people are doing it wrong. ArtofMan, despite their accusations, does tend to lay blame at the user and consumer as the one to recognize a problem and do something about it with their own behavior; too bad they didn't put enough of that into their reasons porn is a problem.

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Disclose Your Count!

Nerve answers the question: how do you disclose your sexual history without looking slutty? I find this amusing, due to the fact, as Gracie's partner, looking at her history as an escort is like putting a quarter in a videogame where the highest score is ten million points more than my best game. "*sigh* oh, well, playing it is still fun..." Anyhow, the general answer: if she wants to know, tell her.

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Find A Hottie For Threesome!

It can be tough to find a hottie for a threesome (or, ahem, so I've heard), so Franklin Veaux's journal has provided a handy flowchart for finding the "unicorn", that elusive, magical beautiful woman who's single, looking for two homely-looking people to have sex with, and is free from emotional hang-ups or baggage. Hell, everyone wants one of those, regardless of bisexuality!

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Raydeen Fucks Somebody!

See, I had a Raydeen when I was a kid - he didn't fuck anybody, and I sold him at a rummage sale when I was ten, but he seems to have moved on to a porn career after I rejected his love. The 1970s were a fucked-up time, y'all. What the photographer probably doesn't realize is that, today, if he still had those three toys in original condition, they're probably worth more than he got paid for this lame photoshoot.
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Cosby Porn = Anger!

There's been a spate of pornographic satire lately, covering everything from Star Trek to Friends, but which one is going to be the target of the most rage from fans of the original? Answer: The Cosby Show, which has a whole lot of people not remembering just how crappy it is. I caught an episode in re-run, and, holy hell, it sucks on a Family Ties level, and I kinda liked Family Ties. People are remembering how awesome it was for a black family to be shown in as unnatural and contrived a situation as white people, not remembering how bad it was, and then completely forgetting that they wanted to see all the characters fucking at some point. Selective memory, indeed; at least the Star Trek fans can appreciate a good Kirk/Uhura sex sc--oh, that's in the new movie? I guess Star Trek and porn go hand-in-hand more than Bill Cosby and Jell-O do.

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Fashion By 8-Year Old!

I haven't been doing my fashion stuff as much lately, because, fashion fucking sucks. So, for the next fifteen minutes, I say go check out the first guy I've found to trust with style ideas: Arlo Weiner, son of some Mad Men guy, who is the youngest GQ fashion correspondent. Come on, your name is wiener, you're freakin' eight, so the air of pretension is completely gone. Dress like you're eight: you want attention, you intend to jump down stairs rather than walking, and your bike is also considered flight apparatus. Like in the "evil overlord" list, check with a kid first: if a grade-schooler thinks your fashion sucks, go change your clothes, nerd.

Pineapple Nursing!

Excuse me, miss: why is your pineapple so small? "The doctor called it something like 'failure to thrive' - I just can't get my pineapple to nurse; it won't latch on to my nipple like a pineapple should. Doctor thinks I should buy powdered pineapple milk for him."

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Go North, Breast Man!

In a scientific and educational study, British researchers have found that Yorkshire women have the biggest tits. Londoners, however, have the smallest, so when you go you England to get laid (who doesn't?) don't stick in the city: go find a busty rural lass, show her some attention, because the article says "nearly four in ten believe their bigger busts make it harder to find a partner". Over here in the U.S., those same "4 in 10 think that bigger breasts make it STOP STARING AT THEM, MORON".

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Janet Jackson's Breast: Still Around!

Wait, this is still an issue? The freakin' Supreme Court was asked to step in over the $550,000 fine for the Jackson/Timberlake wardrobe malfunction. CBS is fighting the FCC fine, pushing through the courts until it showed up at the Supreme Court's doorstep. Supreme Court: not saying anything now, lower courts please reconsider. Pay the fucking fine, CBS: you're not proving anything by being a dick about it. Titillation comes with a price.


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Very Old Porn!

A small carved figure has been discovered, placing the origin of nude female statues at over 5,000 years earlier than the Venus of Willendorf and its ilk. 5,000 years difference is lie comparing ancient Greek works to modern art; most will argue that the Greeks were far better at it. The most appealing feature of this newly-found art are its high, perky breasts, defying all logic and gravity, showing that those ancients did believe in a god.

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NOOO!!! Erotic Services Gone!

In order to appease the Attorneys General (Attorney Generals? Attorney's Generals? Attoney Goobles?) of various states, Craigslist is going to drop the free-for-all "Erotic Services" adspace, creating an employee-reviewed "Adult" category which, in theory, should catch those advertisers offering illegal things. Now where will I find my cheap tranny hookers? Prices are going to start going up now that advertising is going to get more expensive to cover their tracks better. Hot tranny tracks. Anyhow, I suppose it's better to have a Craigslist without free-for-all escorts than to be without a way to buy back your stolen 4-track recorder that disappeared from your van at last week's gig.

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Hurricane Babies!

Last October, Hurricane Ike blew into Texas, shutting down power, facilities, and roads, forcing people to crowd into close, sweaty quarters to "ride it out", so to speak. Let's see...that was, what, eight, nine months ago? Houston hospitals are gearing up for "Hurricane Ike Baby" season, with births up an expected 25% over this time last year. Snowy states have blizzard babies, New York had blackout babies, it's beginning to look like people not born during a disaster are the norm. See, I was born in June, so the disaster the previous October that my parents experienced was, "two recent high-school graduates realize that getting laid makes rural living easier." I'm so glad they survived.

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Adultery Porn = Adultery!?!

A man bought a hidden camera DVD called "Affairs with Others' Wives" and was shocked - shocked! - to find some actual, real adultery on the DVD: a video of his wife fucking his friend. The cheated-on husband then took an opportunity to get all stabby on the friend, but - dude - what did you expect to see on the DVD? It says right there.

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Polish Priest: Fuck!

We've seen that an American has been advocating hot sex among the devoted, but now a Polish priest has got a book on the same track. It's awesome to see religious types looking at the positive by advocating the "right" sex acts, rather than always so negative about the "wrong" kinds of sex acts. With all this advocacy by priests for positive sexual experience, rather than fucking that's "sad like a traditional church hymn," Catholicism is going to be known as the slutty religion pretty soon. Take THAT, Wiccan motherfuckers!

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Breasts Make TV More Exciting!

The fucking understatement of the century! See, America, this is why Latin television kicks your ass: nobody cares how naughty it is. Sin Senos no hay Paraiso is a hugely popular telanovela, which focuses on girls seducing drug dealers to pay for their breast enhancements, which has so much embedded awesome, I may have to change satellite providers just to get Telemundo. The title even translates to "Without Breasts There is No Paradise" according to Google, which is like calling Daisy of Love "Her Tits Lure Douches". Which, in fact, translates to "Su Tetas Atraen Douches" in Spanish, which sounds like one of those artsy foreign films you only watch for the promise of on-screen nudity.


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Bigger Breasts!

Fuck, she can have all my fries if I just get to enjoy the view seen below for a while - and, as a red-blooded American, I can honestly say: those breasts and that accent get her a gold medal. From my penis. It's an ad for a restaurant's new huge double-breast chicken sandwich, so, of course, it is represented by a huge double-something pair of breasts. Billy really earned that marketing degree:


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Intelligence = Orgasms!

It's not book intelligence, though, so we're sorry, Daily Mail illustration of a woman wearing glasses (we all know glasses on a woman means a degree in something requiring math), this story isn't really about you. Women with a higher "emotional intelligence" tend to enjoy sex more and orgasm better than women whose emotional intelligence is stunted. The study examined the sexual practice of 2,000 female twins - which is the best fucking job ever - and found that the emotionally smarter of the two had better sex; I'd wager that means the sluttier of the two had more emotional intelligence, which gives the sluts one-up on their brainy counterpart. I can actually vouch for that: my history bucks the odds, and I've had three partners who were the nerdy half of a pair of twins. I - oh, what? No, I was just bragging, I don't know anything about their emotional intelligence.

Sudsy Beauty!

The website is "messy beauty", but at some point she'll have to un-messy herself, like her bubble bath below; boy, if she has a bath like this after every time she gets messy, I hope she asks me over more often:

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Abstinence-Only = Over!

After nearly a decade of government support for abstinence-only programs, the Obama administration has cut support in the new budget. It's a rough economy, you know, can't pay for every dumbass program the government has created! Most of the $300 million sex-related budget goes to programs proven to delay sexual intercourse and promote pregnancy and disease prevention, which at least accepts the fact that a huge chunk of the population is going to lose their virginity in their teens, no matter what the President has to say about it. Don't worry, overreacting parents: your church will be more than happy to fill your kids' heads with abstinence-only teachings - it'll still work as well as it ever had.


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Feminist Porn Winners!

If you're unsure of how to avoid misogynous porn, here's the list to check out: the Feminist Porn Award winners for 2009. Gracie has been getting this kind of stuff for review for quite a while; the "Teen Asian Cum Random Words Boob 55" stuff never gets watched, but the Feminist kind usually got reviewed. It's not to say the feminist stuff lacks any misogyny whatsoever - remember, some people think it's hot - but those in charge of making feminist porn are probably treating the talent better than those cam sites you subscribed to.


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Never Met A Gay!

An awesome quote from the time of the Supreme Court decision legalizing homosexual acts:
"I don't believe I've ever met a homosexual", [Justice] Powell replied. Chinnis said that seemed unlikely. Later the same day, Powell came back to Chinnis and asked, "Why don't homosexuals have sex with women?" "Justice Powell," he replied, "a gay man cannot have an erection to perform intercourse with a woman." The conversation was especially bizarre not just because of its explicit nature but because Chinnis himself was gay...

This is why, people, you don't want others to make decisions about your private life - that is, unless they know the right person to ask about the rights and wrongs of it. There's probably somebody, within arm's reach, who can give you the other side...and if not, you lead a sheltered life and should not be deciding for the rest of your society what is morally just and responsible.


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Porn: Everywhere!

Porn is mainstream, according to the New Zealand Herand, in an article that's surprisingly balanced, covering both the plusses and minusses espoused by the general public. Nearly everything else I've read in the media of late focuses on, "wah, it abuses women and gives men a false ideal of sex!" without much evidence, or the counterpoint, "wah, Power Rangers teaches violence and gives children a false ideal of independence and power!" or "wah, Sex In The City gives thirty-somethings an unreasonable ideal of dating and rent prices in New York City!" Hmmm...those kids who were raised on Power Rangers over the past 16 years are in their twenties now, and consuming all that porn. Maybe there is something to the idea. All entertainment must come in the form of quiet conversations about mundane parts of daily life, such as the length of time a bus ride lasted! We cannot stand too much excitement! I agree, though; there is an awful lot of mysogyny in porn - but the Hays Code cleaned up the regular movie industry without dismantling it; porn isn't the problem, a sense of quality is what needs to be fixed.


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Priest: I Had Sex!

Father Cutié, or as I prefer to call him, "Daddy Cutie", has been sticking his dick where the Pope wishes it wouldn't go. The charismatic priest, who had been photographed "frolicking" on the beach with an attractive woman, has admitted that he has been fucking her, too. It's not a casual relationship, and he may one day marry the woman, but that pesky vow of celibacy has gotten him removed from his duties. Hey, Cutie: there's non-Catholic religious leaders who can fuck all they want - don't let the Pope fool you, because it's all the same god. Like I've said before: don't fool yourself that you can slip one by on your church; find one that fits you better. I haven't been following Cutie that much, but he seems to embody the more tolerant aspects of Catholicism; I hope he gives some of that to an Evangelical branch, they need something to water down the crazy.


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Wet Bubble-Bath T-Shirt!

She asks, with a confused tone in her voice: "I don't get it - I just don't seem to get as clean as I should." I slip into the bath with her, and peel the damp, clingy fabric of her tank top away from her perky breasts. "You really shouldn't wear clothes into the bath; that's your problem right there." I scoop up a handful of bubbles and spread them gently over her breasts, then untie her shoes and toss them out onto the floor. "Ah, much better," she coos.

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Commedia Del'erotica

One might say a harlequin is always sexy. In this case, he's got a big cock, gets Columbina in the end, but ends up hung. Not sure where the original source is from, but couldn't find anything more but this site:
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Coyote Paintball!

A town in Colorado has given their cops something more fun to do than issue speeding tickets: shooting coyotes with paintballs. Killing a coyote would increase the population by spurring breeding amongst the stronger, healthier remaining ones. Paintballs, however, just hurt like shit and make the coyotes more scared of roaming around where people are. Police are warning residents to keep their own paintball equipment locked up, because once the coyotes start shooting back, leaving highly-visible pink paintball marks on the police officers, problems will increase exponentially.

Splash Mtn Boobies Back!

Joy of joys, Disney has returned to it's definition as Happiest Place on Earth! Disneyland has stopped making employees review and discard flashed-boobs images on the Splash Mountain ride, and other gravity-defying rides. Disney claims the actual occurrences are rare...which, if we're lucky, is only because people are watching now. Open the floodgates, announce to the media that nobody's going to watch out for naked boobies, and the flood of 17-year-old boobs displayed on a bank of monitors at the ride exit will child-pornify your favorite Disney events. God bless America!


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Gay Porn = Suspended!

So, let's say you want to film a porno, to get a little scratch for tuition. Um, well, when the tuition goes to a Christian school, you might want to rethink your choice of career. Dude, like with Miss California - don't you fucking realize that Christians are the ones who disapprove of your life? Getting nude, being gay, performing in porn: those are all things that Christians say are against their moral fibre. If you think any or all of those are fine, you shouldn't be enrolling at a school which specifically says some or all of those are against their moral expectations. People send their kids to private religious schools because of their Conservative bent. You want to get naked, you want to fuck strangers for money, excellent - but stop pretending you're some good Christian, recognize yourself for what you are. Christian Conservatives get way too much support from stupid people who don't know any better. Mr. Gay Christian: keep doing your porns, go to a public university, and your life will be happier if you be Christian in your own porn-loving, boy-fucking way. Fuck the Christian establishment.


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Australia Owns Porn!

Well, aside from the mail inspectors, who have enormous amounts of porn as "evidence" and "examples", it seems the Australian government is funding a porn collection of their own. The Australian National Film and Sound Archive keeps a porn stash, thus preserving the hot and horny integrity of Australian culture, thus hopefully negating some of the damage done by Yahoo Serious and that bad battery-commercial guy.

Flower Farters Three!

Chalk another up for the flower-farters! The only thing sexier than a flower stuck up a women's ass is...um. Give me a few minutes, I'll come up with something. *POOT*:

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Body Art!

UPI wants to make sure you get a good look at all their recent photos of body art - so they've put them all into a single gallery. This includes both bodypaint and tattoos, so get all your colorful boobie fetishes out of the way here:

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Miss CA: Topless Model!

Ah, social conservatives: you never realize just how much of your happiness is provided by loose morals and social progressivism. Case in point: Miss California Carrie Prejean, who had said, during her question-and-answer, that she thinks marriage is only for men and women, and later that she would do her best to protect "traditional marriage" (from what, we do not know), has been discovered to have posed topless for a photographer. Ms. Prejean, don't you understand that those sorts of photos are considered pornography by your fellow conservatives? She believes that it's a 'gay conspiracy' to discredit her, without realizing the real source: the rules against nude photos, as outlined in her contract, are established by social conservatives who want to promote the veneer of proper respectibility that comes with being a Miss Someplace. Me, I know a Miss California has no real influence on the world, and I got no problem with women posing nude, so she's really off base if she thinks progressives or liberals are manipulating her history. Her history is unaccaptable by social and moral conservative standards, and if those are the rules she lives by, she needs to pay the piper - hell, Prejean didn't even tell anybody about the photos when she should have. If there's one thing Conservatives know, is you can't have things both ways, Ms. Prejean. "Oh, you homosexuals, you don't live up to my expectations of what is proper in society, so I want to take away your ability to get married - but - no, my partial-nudity is getting my Miss California title taken away?!? What gives you the right?!!" When I step up to the counter, I'll order a large Schadenfreude, with a side of Ironic Justice, please! I wonder if, when her title is taken away, California will reposess the breasts they bought for her. Strip her of her title, her value, her new-and-improved body, oh Conservative powers: make her an example of how you build up a shiny, pretty exterior, only to destroy it when it shows any flaw under your unreasonable expectations.

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Beer Pong: Deadly!

Be careful when playing beer pong: it could turn out deadly. I am shocked - shocked! - that drinking may have been involved; I'm not shocked, however, that a bedazzler or grommet pliers was, as you will note in the mugshot below. Beerponging with Mr. PotatoHead there is just asking to get a cap in your ass:


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Who's On Adult Friend Finder?

If you're wondering who's on AdultFriendFinder, you don't have to drop thirty bucks a month to do it: Holy Taco has done it for you. Actually, their intern, who has a weird eye for porn, is who they signed up, and they're taking stock of what kinds women are available. Answer: Camgirls, prostitutes, ugly women, and a couple hot women. I like those odds! This article is part 2, and they've only gotten so far as messaging some women - future articles will show whether anybody can actually get laid through AdultFriendFinder.


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Don't Make My Pigs Sick!

Yeah, you've stopped eating ham sandwiches and sleeping next to your Miss Piggy stuffed animal (who doesn't?) out of fear of catching the swine's flu, but you're not the one who should be worried: the high-density, high-volume swine farms in the U.S. could get hit hard if somebody coughs on their pigs. Wait - pigs can catch swine flu too? Yeah, right Lisa. They must be some wonderful, magical animal.


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Happy MILFer's Day!

You know what holiday is coming up? Yes, this Sunday is MILFer's Day, the one day of the year when fucking somebody's mom is a government-sanctioned event. Sounds creepy, don't it? MILF, however, has grown into one of the hugest genres of pornography, and the general accusation is a Oedipal association with the 18-25 porn-buying generation. But, you're here, so you want to know what I think: I think it's that the whole teen genre sucks soooo bad that the only hot models are in their thirties and forties. Seriously, have you seen some of the gorgeous MILFs they get? Especially the ones that have been in porn for twenty years; it used to be a thirty-something porn star was all makeupped and augmented to look younger - now that the genre has been around a few years and the business needs hot thirty- and forty-somethings, these gorgeous ladies are back in public. The "teen" and twenty-something women are all bags-of-antlers whose nipples point the wrong directions because their implants are too big. MILF porn isn't hot because they're MILFs - it's because they're fucking hot.


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Waffle House: Landmark!

The first Waffle House - which has spawned many across this fine waffle-lovin' country - is now a historic monument. I have to admit I've never been to a Waffle House. They haven't ventured this far out into the wilderness. I've been to an IHOP, several Perkins, a Cracker Barrel, numerous truck stop chains, but never a Waffle House. Given the historic nature of their business, I better get to one soon, lest I embarass myself due to my negligence of great landmarks in American history!

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A Hooker To Cry On!

As the global economy suffers, Russian men are turning to prostitutes more than ever. Why? Because you pay hookers for their time, and they're good listeners. Who needs sex anyways - they probably have wives at home anyhow - but if they want somebody to care, they gotta find an escort. Way to be emotionally secure in yourself, Russian men, but kudos for using hookers for their main purpose: companionship.


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Busted Tees Hotties!

Manofest did the unthinkable: they gallerized the hottest chicks from Busted Tees, one of those 'ironically funny pop-culture reference t-shirts' that mildly annoy me, even though I own a few. The only downside: now it looks like you're looking at a porn gallery of women, so when you're masturbating at the computer, your excuse can't be, "no, baby, I'm just shopping for a t-shirt which includes elements from both vintage Nintendo and 1990s movie catch-phrases."


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Coolest Obscure Cars!

Want a hot car that nobody's seen before? Custom high-performance manufacturers aren't always the highest profile machines; Sun Sentinel has a gallery - via Forbes - of some of those not-so-common cars, for when you get tired of Ferraris and Porsches:

Huge Soapy Tits!

Massive tits, slick with soap, glistening in the sunlight - what could be better than a busty babe bathing outside:

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15 Reasons To Diddle Yourself!

What the fuck - you need a list of fifteen reasons, to find just one reason to masturbate? Em and Lo have come up with Fifteen Reasons To Masturbate, but I'm having trouble reading the list. Fuck, I came before I finished reading #3 - I'll have to wait a couple hours before I can start again at #4. It might be tough, but I'll bet I can get through it in a day or two.


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Porn: Better Than Everything!

What is porn better than? Darn near everything, according to Cracked, which makes it true because everything they do is awesome. Porn is better than your mom's chicken and rice. Porn is better than getting a free car wash with 8 gallons of gas. Porn is better than finding a $20 in the work parking lot, just before you're going out with your friends for drinks. Porn is fucking awesome like that.


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Chuck E Cheese = Pervert!

Who knew a giant rat would be such a perv? A woman is suing Chuck E Cheese because a guy dressed as the titular mascot grabbed her boob. Well, actually, they are suing because they have a picture in which it looks like he is grabbing her boob, which is about the same in a boob-owner's eyes. Costumed characters get accused of this from time to time, without much understanding that it is difficult to either see or feel anything when wearing the costume. It may be better if performers in costumes just stood in one place and screamed, "DON'T COME NEAR ME - I MIGHT TOUCH YOU!" in the future.


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Loser With Cats!

OK, I've read just about everything else in the bathroom, so now I'm down to the girly crap. Not one to sit on the can in boredom, I had to read something. In this month's Woman's Day, I find this Tidy Cat ad:
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The headline is "Ramen & Vinyl Records: Keep Home Smelling Like Home", with a picture of lame hipster with his two cats. First impression: what jerk names his cats "Ramen" and "Vinyl Records?" Because that's so stupid that I can't even - er, wait - upon second reading: is that what his apartment smells like? Ramen and vinyl records? Dude, if your vinyl smells, you gotta stop buying the mildewed basement records at rummage sales. The stuff is called "Premium Scoop Small Spaces," so my guess is Hipster Jerk there has two cats in a studio apartment, and thinks the cat smell is the reason chicks bail when they see his home. No, dude, if your thick black-rimmed glasses, ironic stocking cap in 80° weather, and thriftshop fleece-lined 70s coat didn't scare her off, your shelves of Dragonlance books, poorly hidden Hustlers, and empty fridge are working against you more than a cat box. By the way, clean the catbox more often - once every time rent is due isn't enough.


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ORGASM = SNOWFLAKE!

U.S. News and World Reports is the ideal source for sex advice, at least amongst most celibate accountants I know (of which there are many), but they did the right thing and got Dr Ruth to pull together five points on how to improve sex lives. In short, Cosmo sucks, orgasms are fleeting, you're responsible for having fun, wine is better than beer, and the afterglow is worth it. And not one reference to international think-tanks or armed insurgents.


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