Go Vintage!
Men's Style has an exceedingly annoying flash interface for it (otherwise I would have given it separate appropriate links), but sometimes stylish people can be idiots, too, and it's too cool to overlook. They've released a list of awesome vintage stuff that will make you look cool today, which includes some awesome things like vintage erotica and vintage cameras, both of which are excellent lists despite some minor snubs (no K1000? For shame.) A lot is, of course, out of the price range of an average shmo, but for once the overpriced stuff is actually worth it, unlike the majority of stuff on these style sites.
Police Porn OK!
Photographs of topless women have been taken in front of an Edmonton police station - and the cops are OK with it. See, Canada, this is why you're so awesome: nobody there freaks out about breasts. Down here, even one breast in the mouth of a baby results in shock and outrage. So, here's to you, Canada - your love of breasts makes you the king of North America!
Porn Trading Cards!
As I understand it, they have these in Las Vegas as well, but over in the UK they're called "Tart Cards", and nobody frowns if they're left unattended in phone booths or other public places. The outrage: young children are collecting them and trading them like Pokemon cards! Won't somebody please think of the children! The suggestive, rarely-nude cards are bound to cause horrible, horrible things to happen to these children. Well, and any guys who actually call these escorts, but nobody's too worried about that.
Vibrator: Does A Body Good!
Two studies show that lots of people have vibrators, half of women use them regularly, and they're good for sexual health. Yes, that includes guys, who've used them on their partners, but their use reflects a greater interest in their own sexual health as a results. The study didn't show that vibrators themselves caused health, but that people who gave a shit about their health tended to thus pay more attention to their genitals than they otherwise would. So, ladies, if you haven't got a vibrator yet, you best do so: I can guarantee it'll be better for you in the long run, and you'll definitely use it more than the treadmill that's busy holding up last winter's Christmas decorations and a box of sweaters.
Take All Seven Inches!
Ah, Burger King, we know you like square butts, but now you want to shove your big 7-incher into women's faces. Now, I know the internet is rife with 4chan photoshops, but this appears to be real: however, it's an overseas ad, so we Americans will have to find another reason to jack off while waiting in line for your Steakhouse Mushroom & Swiss burger.
4-Hour Erections: None!
"I suppose it's funny to talk about...But it's not funny when it happens to you," is a news quote that applies to nearly every sex story. In this case, however, it talks about Priapism, that surgeon's general warning on Viagra about the perils of a 4-hour erection. The good news is that the doctors interviewed have never had a patient actually come in with an engorged cock due to erectile drugs, but the problem can be caused by a number of other physical problems, and could cause penis damage. So, stop worrying, pill-popping grandpa penis: an excessive erection is the least of the problems Viagara can cause for you - it's just the funniest one.
Female Orgasm Blog!
Finally, after all these years of hiding from men being so elusive, the female orgasm has a blog of its own. The Male Orgasm tried to have a blog of its own, started out big with MySpace and all those flashy bells-and-whistles, but it ended up with just a Twitter account. This blog is run by some guy calling himself Harry Mete (just say it out loud, won't you?), who knows how to give orgasms, but little understanding on the use of fonts and colors in marketing his amazing orgasm-inducing system that advertises itself to cause sex addicts. For limited time only, not only do you get the G-Spot, but - for only additional handling cost - we'll include the A-Spot and C-Spot absolutely free! (via)
Women: Fickle!
A new study has released a freaking bombshell: Men's definition of attractiveness in women is pretty consistent, but women are far more nuanced and varying in their choice of attractiveness in males. Amazing! This, they say, has to do with women's neurotic obsession with appearance, because they're all working towards that attractive shape, while men don't care as much, because women don't agree on anything, so why try. The study has a lot of holes, because, hell, BBW women get laid too, and it runs on the assumption that women are looking for a body and not a man of action. "We asked men to identify cool cars entirely by color and fuel efficiency, and their answers were all over the place; this proves men are fickle and unpredictable in their car-shopping behavior!" Er, no, look again.
All Downhill From Here!
Sorry, ladies, don't get your hopes up: a recent study shows you're having the best sex of your life at 28. In fact, you're happiest all-around at that point in your life - everything after that sucks. So, don't worry: you'll only have, what, fifty, sixty more years ahead of you? Like pornstars, football players, and actresses, you've passed that hump, it's all downhill from here.
X-Ray Vision!
I read Zoo's website quite a bit, so I don't know how I've missed this: pictures taken with and without an x-ray filter on the camera lens. I called down and asked at Black's Photography and asked if they stocked filters which made women look naked, but they just hung up on me. Again. Oh, well, at least you can enjoy Zoo's hot naked-but-not-really-naked chicks:
More from this gallery >>
(via)
Handjob Tips!
Guys might not be thinking that far ahead (and by the time you're ready to help, we've lost our cognitive thought abilities), but, ladies, we haven't realize that, by the time we got laid for the first time, guys have had enormous experience stroking a cock to fruition. LoveHoney's here to help you uneducated ladies with ten tips for giving an awesome handjob. And, hey, if you're a guy inexperienced in wanking, you might get some tips, too...but what have you been doing if you're masturbatory experienced is limited? There's not a hobby I've heard of that could distract men from their own penis that much. And, frankly, if you're a guy who hasn't masturbated much, go find a woman to do it to you; you won't be disappointed.
Shoot Porn Of Yourself!
Ladies, ever wanted to know how to take sexy pictures of yourself? I mean, what guy wouldn't like surprise nude photos of their sex partner - or pictures of himself doing nasty things to you? Em & Lo have a list of what to do, so you don't end up with frumpy, uncomfortable pictures of a hot naked chick. Unless that's what turns you significant other on. "All-nude photos of clumsy, annoyed babes!" isn't any tagline I've seen online, though, so don't think that's going to get the best response.
Wallabies = Aliens!
If you thought aliens have been making crop circles, you'd be right - Australians have uncovered the source of circles in their fields. Stoned wallabies are hopping in circles, flattening crops and laying waste to poppies. This proves what I've been saying for years: wallabies are aliens. I mean, for fuck's sake, look at them! There's nothing earthly about them, or any of their Australian brethren. Spiders in Australia, also known as "the emerald isle", put the freakin' alien from Alien to shame with their destructive power. Be glad that the only thing trying to communicate with us via crop circles are the wallabies: when the deadly jellyfish start trying to talk to us, you know the only thing they have to say is, "resistance is futile."
Gaga Tits Afire!
Holy crap, this is so awesome. I totally want Gracie using one of these in the bedroom. Just looking at this one picture, fuck, I came twice. Ohshi-three times, now. This is awesome wrapped in a Harley tied around a timberwolf and garnished with bratwurst:
Cummings: American Hero!
Dave Cummings is a 69-year-old American porn star, and the greatest asset our fine young nation has to offer the world! I mean, think about it: when you're 69, you're going to be lucky you can even use an erection properly, let alone stick it into some big-titted porn star. Former military man, devoted father, working well into his retirement years: he's everything that constitutes a hero of this great United States of America! Unfortunately, Japan has a 70-something porn star, but they're always ahead of us in everything sexual. Damn you, Japan!
Geeks: Four Reasons!
Hey, nerd, spending all day looking at porn on the computer because you don't think you can get a hot chick? Loser! Turns out, geeks and nerds have more to offer than they realize, provided they can crawl out of mom's basement and actually go out and meet a woman. And it's not like the 80s movies, where she has to be a geeky chick, too: a normal woman might like your glasses-wearing, too-short-pants-stylin' ways, too.
Food Better Than Sex!
A survey has shown that men prefer food over sex. I don't think they're going for the "which can you go longer without" like that women's survey a while back. I think men are smart enough when offered "which would you give up for two weeks, food or sex?" and realize slow, agonizing death comes from one of those. No, the survey asks which gives the most lasting pleasure, food or sex, and food wins out. Note, for one, the survey was about Australians, and we all know they've got fucked up morals, and also the survey was given out by an ice cream manufacturer. Of course men are going to say ice cream makes them happier than sex when asked by an ice cream maker - if their sex partner asked, "does sex or ice cream make you happier?" hell yeah they're going to say sex; it's the one most likely given for free by the questioner.
Wookie Walkies!
It's sure nice that this young lady, despite her lack of clothing, would still take her Ewok out for some fresh air. Still, I find it rather racist and demeaning that she have him on a leash - come on, lady, they built cities in the trees and defeated Stormtroopers, they're not some womprat to be shackled and fed treats! They have language - language!
More from this gallery >>
Pfeiffer, Bates: Hookers OK!
Michelle Pfeiffer and Kathy Bates have come out in favor of the legalization of prostitution after appearing as hookers in a new period piece. Wait - Kathy Bates plays a courtesan? Er, yeah, I'll run right out to see that. Anyhow, while I appreciate their support, I think basing their decision on a Hollywood idea of prostitution may be limiting. Pfiffer added, "we wouldn't want all women to miss out on the opportunity to learn something about themselves and find love in the process - because that's what prostitution is all about!"
Banned Sex Game Words!
Japan has been cracking down on obscene video games - or at least how they present themselves. Kotaku has a list of the banned words at one game-download website. Come on - I learned Flash just so I could finally make my incest-train groping-slave bestiality-school council-threats video game that I've always wanted. Darn you, Japan, ruining everyone's video game rape fun!
1st-Time Sex Stages!
Those amusing lads over at Santa Enchilada have documented the seven stages of first-time sex. It sounds like a team effort, in which their five writers put together all of their experiences (seeing as there were only 3 sexual experiences between them all, the other two got to use examples from television sitcoms) and narrow it down to one common list. A few near-misses, that were not unanimous but highly represented, were the steps entitled "crying," "lying about contraception", and "pretending your partner is somebody more attractive".
Che Guevara: Proud!
Che Guevara, the somewhat-reviled, somewhat-worshipped Latin gentleman who had his fingers in a several bloody revolutions, will be proud his granddaughter is continuing his legacy. Lydia Guevara is appearing nude, wearing a machine-gun bullet strap of carrots(!) and a jaunty beret like Grandpappy's, to protest..something...on behalf of PETA. If there's anything a Guevara knows, it's helping a dogmatic, extremist group make their point.
Ramis Fav Films!
Harold Ramis, the "spores, molds, and fungus" guy from Ghostbusters, has given GW a list of his favorite comedies. Of the ones I've seen, Ramis is right on; of the ones I haven't, I think I better. Keys that prove he and I are on the same page: Zoolander, Arsenic and Old Lace, Life of Brian, Dr. Strangelove.
Sex Facts!
WebMD: is there anything you don't know? They have all sorts of statistics on just how naughty we all really are. Understatement: Women's sexual inclinations are more complicated than men's. Interesting knowledge: 2/3 of men masturbate, while 2/5 of women do (women do less of it, men more guilty about it). Duh: Women experience orgasms differently than men..
Bruno's Ladyboy Friend
Bruno, a/k/a Sasha Something-Cohan, is in Berlin for the launch of his umlaut-loving character's new movie, also called Bruno. To do so, he signed up some models, hired some knitters, and made some full-body nudesuits so he could go hang out at the Brandenburg Gate. I mean, who hasn't wanted to be fakenude at the Brandenburg Gate? Below is one of the pictures...I'm feeling a little confused; that one on the right is extremely attractive to me. I'd like to think it's for the body underneath, and not the suit itself. Unless they made the bodysuit to match the body underneath. Which still doesn't necessarily turn me off to him/her. 
How To Write Erotica!
Ever wanted to know how to write about sex? The Times has a primer for you, five tips on how to write pornographic stories that people want to read. I want to add, back from my days writing at EroticStories.com: don't ever, ever write about sticking your cock inside her clit, gentlemen. It will forever identify you as the guy who knows absolutely nothing about sex. Runner up is the "thrust her penis through her cervix" guy, who is technically possible, but highly unlikely as a sex act.
Porn Movie Houses!
Wait - those still exist? In a time of private video booths, online porn, and DVDs by mail, pornographic movie houses still exist. Well, at least in Canada, but the article doesn't delve into south-of-the-border facilities. The best part of the article are the proprietors: "It's porn which has kept the most beautiful theatres open," says L'Amour's owner, Steve Koltai. After decades, telling people he runs a sex cinema is still awkward. Koltai says the question he hears most is, "Who cleans up?" "Everything evaporates," he replies. If you drop a Jujubee, let it go, man, because it's gone.
Year Without Sex!
A journalist, in the grand gonzo tradition of self-reflective writing, gave up sex for a year and wrote about it. The first thing I thought was: fuck, she must've had a shitload of casual sex for it to have it make that huge of an impact on her life. I'm far from a prude and can't remember ever turning down sex, but I've gone more than a year sexless without some grand scheme - but, I guess, that wouldn't make for a very good book to read. "Day 340: Wait, was I somehow paying attention to my sexlessness?" Stories like hers, on one hand, make me regret my less-than-slutty life, but on the other: who'd care to read about it if it weren't some anomaly? The woman's own 1960s arty mom even told her: "You sleep with these men too soon." Lady, your problem isn't sleeping with them too soon, it's worrying about the sex first.
Why No Condom?
The National Institutes of Health is working on a new research project to determine the reasons for the failure to use condoms properly. As far as a nation's health goes, this is akin to research on why children don't get immunized - for all the fear and crap over STDs and unwanted pregancies, and considering the condom "failure rate" quoted by anti-sex rhetoric of 15% failure includes incorrect or inconsistent use, I'd say this is a good reason to be spending health-related money. ABC News, however, couldn't find anybody in the health industry to ask about it (other than quote from the NIH's press release), so they questions not one, but two people from politically-motivated watchdog groups. Thanks for the excellent journalism, Walt Disney!
Milka In The Bath
Sadly, I was too, too late to join Milka in the bath: the light-up rubber ducky managed to get her attention before I could get my boxers off. Damn you, cock-blocking rubber ducky!
More from this gallery >>
8 People At Home!
I normally don't like funny lists, but this one is too true. I'm not a college student any more, but I remember those days, returning home and hanging out in the usual haunts, and the people you'll meet there. OK, I don't remember doing it, but I remember that one show, I think it was a sitcom but for only one season, where all these people existed. Just imagine the shenanigans we had - I mean, the shenanigans the actors portrayed on the screen. I'm so glad somebody pointed out that, when you base your adult life on where things were in high school, you'll see humorous incongruities. Hilarious. You know what would be more awesome? "The kind of people you might end up on an island with if your pleasure cruise sinks" - you know, the supermodel, the professor, the mary ann...it'd be hilarious! Leave lists to Cracked, Coed Mag, you're reminding my why I hate these fucking lists.
Dude Music Only!
Check your iPod, guys, and prepare with the delete key: here we have the definitive list of music no guy should have on his MP3 player. Note that it isn't just a 'chick song' thing: their target is also lame hipsters. Your so-called irony of downloading "We Built This City" by Starship is unacceptable - unacceptable! I do have a few exceptions, though: Macy Gray kicks too much ass to issue a blanket ban.
Pretty Girl = Stupid Guy
Women, you've know it all along: men are stupid because of you. Studies have shown that men's IQ drops significantly when interacting with a pretty woman, which completely explains why that one cashier at the grocery store kept telling you that story about puking, even though it was clear that the story was going nowhere good. Men can't be responsible for our idiocy, so women need to stand up and acknowledge the fact that their tits are ruining mankind.
Sausage Index!
The Gauntlet, a poorly-designed website of crappy band information, has added something new to further muddle their site up: the Sausage Index. In MY mind, that should be at the fucking top of the page, because it's actually useful: it, using years of data, identifies the average gender and sexual preference of concert goers. So, if you want to go to a metal concert in the interest of meeting a hot chick of similar musical tastes, you'll be able to pick between England Dan and John Ford Coley or Seals and Crofts based on gender composition of audience. They even start with the top of the list: Slipknot, because straight babes dominate their audience - just make sure you bring something to clean all that goth off your back seat when she's done with you.
Vasectomies = Up!
For the most part, society and men put the responsibility of conception prevention on the woman - pill! IUD! tubes tied! - even though men have vasectomy at their disposal. Vasectomy doctors, thank the poor economy: vasectomy consultations and procedures have been up for the past year, now that men have realized that their dick could really fuck things up for themselves. Wait, just now they're realizing it? Sorry, guys: if you really think about it, your dick messes up a lot of things for you. It's a good thing it's so much fun, otherwise you'd probably have gotten rid of it a long time ago.
Porn Star: No Wedding!
Let's say, you've found a nice, friendly, attractive man, who cares for you and - bonus! - he's awesome in bed. He says he's a personal trainer, but...well, here's a reason to avoid bachelorette parties: during the porn-research part of bachelorette preparations, somebody noticed that the sexy, loving fiancee was, in fact, a porn star. So, now the wedding is off; the article doesn't say exactly if it's because of the porny nature, or the lying, but I'd say the latter is the bigger deal. It could certainly have been a deal-breaker early on, but wouldn't you rather have it happen then than days before your wedding? On the other hand, in today's example of hyperbole: Haylie said: "I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again." . Yes, Ms. Haylie, you need to be completely on your guard, because the next man you meet might not tell you the complete truth about his life right away. The horror!
Cars: Not Sexy!
If you think your 1972 Ford F-100 with the mismatching-colored tailgate is hurting your sex appeal, you're absolutely wrong. While women might find a particular car sexy, that car's sexiness doesn't necessarily rub off on the driver. Top Gear Australia did find that some guys saw slight improvement, but I'd call their findings inconsequential: it has more to do with how attractive the guys is in the first place. Anything is an improvement if you dress for shit or never learned to brush your hair.
Women: Confusing Signals!
Here you go, ladies, definitive proof that you're doing it wrong - men appreciate direct pick-up lines, because you're always sending fuzzy 'positive' feedback, making it difficult for a guy to tell the difference between polite friendliness and actual interest. We're not freakin' mind readers! Note that crude humor ranks low to everybody; your pick-up line about a blowjob in the bathroom might make your friends laugh, but, er, it doesn't satisfy anybody's dreams of relationships.
Peniswear!
Sometimes, when you get dressed, do you feel like there's just not enough penis in your fashion? First, which I find most amusing, is a t-shirt printed to look like your penis is exiting the waistband. I abso-fuckingly-lutely had this happen to me in school with some low-cut jeans I never wore again; my un-tucked shirt hid everything, but it could happen. Secondly, there's a penis tie, which looks like no fucking penis I've ever seen. Whoever modeled for that tie needs to get checked by a doctor fast. Don't wear the two together, though: two touching penis heads will make everyone uncomfortable. 
GIRLS, NO!
Wait-WAIT! Ladies, I think you have misread the instructions somehow. That, totally, is absolutely the wrong way to use a dildo, here, give me the instructions, because it says...oh, wait. Damn Chinese-made sex toys, the instructions do say to impale the rubber penis and grill it. Well, here, let me show you the right way - you, the one with the creepy grin, drop your panties and spread 'em!
More from this gallery >>
Humpable Sinks!
Now, I'm all for fucking housewares (btw, don't drink out of any of the Star Wars glasses in my cupboard), but these look a little too public to use to get off. Maybe Kohler will start selling them for in-house installation or something - then I can multitask while I'm washing my Star Wars glasses: 
(via)
Altered Playboys!
Danny Sangra is going to piss off some collectors: his newest art "installation," called Season of the Witch, is composed of pages cut from 1970s Playboys and altered to his own artistic whims: 
Steak Kills Swimmers!
NOOOOOOOO! Red meat, high-fat dairy, and other awesome foods might be making your sperm as lethargic as you are after a big steak dinner, you fat fuck. "We saw that, among the couples with fertility problems coming to the clinic, the men with good semen quality ate more vegetables and fruit than those men with low seminal quality," says one fertility doctor, so if you don't want inverior sperm, guys, make sure you nibble those melons: she'll love it.
Dalek Chicks
Ever wonder what the hot Dalek females looked like under all that armor? Here's your chance to find out. This trio decided to attend some geek convention dressed up in skirts and boob-enhancing dress, which, duh, makes them attention whores, but creative attention whores nonetheless. 
Spice Girl Masturbation!
The only Spice Girl that's still sexy, Mel B, says she will tell you what you want, what you really really want -- so she'll tell you what you want, what you really really want, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh: you want to get yourself a Pocket Rocket, ladies. Spice Girl Victoria, however, should avoid using a pocket rocket, due to her limited structural stability during vibrations. She looks like a rough car ride will cause great injury.
Watching You Watching Porn!
Ever wanted a good, close look at somebody while they masturbated to pornography? Me neither. However, art knows no boundaries, so using a interrotron, a filmmaker has documented what the average person's face looks like while watching porn, interspersed with them talking about their attitudes about pornography. Using a teleprompter, porn is displayed in front of the camera, thus forcing the subject to stare creepily into the camera, like that weird-looking weatherman you met at the bar that one night. You can watch it here.
Women: Suck At Erotica!
The owner of Britain's Erotic Review has shot herself in the foot by saying women are too emotional and suck at erotic writing. Wait, herself? Kate Copstick, now the owner, was once a writer for the journal, and by the transitive property thus admits she sucks. Maybe it's all a plot to eliminate a huge volume of submissions, rough-cutting a lot of crap based on an arbitrary divider, thus proving maybe she does have the chops to be a literary editor.
Air Sex Champions!
The Air Sex World Championships - no, it doesn't have anything to do with blowup dolls - was launched last week. Far less an actial competition, it appears to be more of a roaming performance-art project, in which hapless locals are encouraged to hump the floor and mime ejaculation, for the entertainment of the audience. My response: go fuck somebody real, nerds! Expect, as the tour extends southwards, to see articles on obscenity and lewd performances, despite the clothedness of the fun.
Betty White Nude!
Betty White appears in the new Sandra Bullock movie, which looks like a big tease because the trailers all hint at a hot-as-hell nude Bullock, but I doubt you get to see anything good. On the other hand, according to this interview, Betty White was all ready to go nude for the film as well. Now that is a movie I'd fucking watch for a nude scene: I've been masturbating to her old episodes of Password Plus for years - I don't give a fuck if that's her husband hosting it, she's hot. *deep breath* Anyhow, White reveals it as a joke, and says she's a traditional girl and needs the man to propose, which means I must be out, since my mailed-in proposals have all gone unanswered.
Slut Identifier!
The Daily Mail, source for all kinds of awesome, has published the results of a scientific study which identifies the sexiest, most self-confident women who have the best sex lives. Short answer: Bright Red Lipstick will almost always get you the best lady. Women to avoid: Peach lipstick.
Absurd Entendres!
Don't read the article for the content, it's all very generic shit, but the author starts off with an obvious intention: fill the generic article with the most unsexy sexual references possible. My favorites: "parking the beef bus in tuna town", "stuffing the monkey", and "putting the monster in the cave", all of which show that the writer has probably never actually had sex before, although it was described to her by five 14-year-old boys who claimed to have totally touched boobs before, yo. Excuse me, I've gotta go find Gracie and "waddle past the fruitcart", you know, "lick the nine-volt batteries", so to speak, "drop the needle on side B", "check my mailbox at the UPS Store", "go all House on her lupus," "rub my penis against her vul-", wait, that doesn't sound right.
Asian Hand Crap!
You know how hot Asian chicks are always doing wierd shit with their hands in photos? It apparently has some sort of meaning, at least according to AsianPoses.com. I still don't completely get it, but the site has a shitload of pictures of really cute asian chicks (brought to you, of course, by really cute asians dot net) doing the various hand gestures, so it isn't all that bad. I'd do a "via", but I've seen this link on like a dozen sites in the past three days, so fuck you all, I'm stealing, and so are you.
Goths In Hot Weather
Summer is here, the beaches are open, the bathing suits are tiny, and the goths are dripping. Goths in Hot Weather is a very new blog, in which photographs of people dressed all in black at the beach are mocked gently and evaluated in two categories: Gothiness and Sweatiness. I've always been a fan of wearing black, but that was because I'm badass, not because the ennui of life has reminded me of my mortality. I at least know how to dress when heading out into the sun. The best quotes are the goths who think they're "scaring" the locals. Keep telling yourself that, morons; mostly, the locals are too polite to laugh out loud. (via)
Additional Porn!
Bob the Angry Flower is a man - man? - after my own heart; in today's comics, he fills in some houseguests on where to find the finer amenities of his home. Nearly all of which are, of course, one form of pornography or another:
Classic Car Crushed!
Let's say, you're a fireman, driving carefully down the road. Suddenly, you're on top of a 1969 Firebird. As you might imagine, the classic car's owner isn't amused, but from the play-by-play of the events - it tumbled down the hill and into the Vickery family's driveway. The tanker toppled trees and clobbered a camper before landing, right-side-up - makes me wish there was video. That would be worth the loss of the car, in my mind. (via)
Important Notice!
Guys, write this down on a post-it, and stick it to that slowly-decomposing condom in your wallet: A guy that is good with his hands and his tongue is a KEEPER. If you can polish a pearl until a womans eyes roll back in her head, then you my friend will always be invited into a bed.. As an expert pearl-polisher, I can verify that this is one-fucking-hundred-percent true. (via)
Nice Guys Sex Ring!
Holy fuck, it's a good thing these guys got caught and taken off the street: "The Minnesota Nice Guys" were a group of 30 or so affluent Twin Cities men who flew in hookers for their own entertainment. As you might expect, the article is full of information on how they brutalized the women, abused children, and used drugs to control their sex partn...oh, wait: all they did was have sex with high-end call girls, such as a thirty-something ex-teacher from Colombia? Ah, it's about illegal immigrants - dear god, those monsters! It's a good thing the Violent Offender Task Force is cracking down on the Minnesota Nice Guys. They are exactly what the anti-prostitution lobbies say is the problem with prostitution.
Handjobs: Who Gets Them?
An interesting question: who gets handjobs anymore? To tell the absolute truth: I've never had one, never understood them, really, although in retrospect during my youth I'd probably have enjoyed somebody else's hand more than just my own. Gracie has mentioned giving them out during her youth as a way of defusing over-zealous boyfriends at around 2nd base, so I suppose there were some lucky ones out there. As a guy who doesn't get off from blowjobs, I'd probably actually succeed with a handjob today...but who wants the guy to be done before the woman is satisfied? The answer might be in terminology: the rest of us usually call it "mutual masturbation", or graduate to other body parts and turn it into an orgasmic tit-fuck (I enjoy successful ones of those, thank you very much). So, the answer to SexSF's question is: getting handjobs? nope, not me.
Wet Bubble-Bath T-Shirt!
She asks, with a confused tone in her voice: "I don't get it - I just don't seem to get as clean as I should." I slip into the bath with her, and peel the damp, clingy fabric of her tank top away from her perky breasts. "You really shouldn't wear clothes into the bath; that's your problem right there." I scoop up a handful of bubbles and spread them gently over her breasts, then untie her shoes and toss them out onto the floor. "Ah, much better," she coos.
More from this gallery >>
Cirque Du Hoagies
Cirque Du Soleil must be really pushing their performers: you know you're in a cut-rate Mia Michaels performance when you're expected to eat lunch while performing. I mean, come on - and subs? Couldn't they have done something like corndogs or popsicles, something even remotely sexy? I mean, really: if the Quizno's guy saw these two, he'd stop fucking his oven.
More from this gallery >>
Prostitute Gets Estate!
After having a 'falling out' with his father, Robert Walters, Jr was cut out of the will. To add insult to injury, who did the estate go to? Walters, Sr's live-in caretaker..."with benefits". Claiming his father was manipulated by handjobs and hummers to give his estate to an escort instead of his only son, Junior is realizing something about the world: if you and your dad don't get along, he's going to find somebody else to reward for their kindness. Junior is suing, in hopes of proving in court that blood is thicker than hookers.
True Sex Myths!
Are they still myths if they were true? Of those crazy stories that get told between teenaged boys in high school lunchrooms all day long, a bunch, in fact, are based on absolutely true stories. Stop reading before you get to the one about power tools, though; it'll totally make you lose that erection you got over the story about hiring a hooker and having your daughter show up.
No Nude Treasure Hunts!
Sadly, residents and visitors of Mount Pleasant, SC, won't be able to have all the fun that they could in the new Charleston Harbor park. Banned activities? Nudity, treasure hunts, and bird feeding. Come on, there's nothing more I like than to spread peanut butter and millet on my dick and feed the birds in the park. Squirrels: fuck'em. Anyhow, the "no nude treasure hunts" seems to be a practical consideration: where will you carry the things you find if you don't have any pockets? The bannings are only suggestions at the moment: Birdy McNudegames is expected to vote them down when they reach the council for approval
DHS: Lacks Sex Acronyms!
Asylum, via Smoking Gun, found the Department of Homeland Security's "sex acronym" list. The problem? The list was missing a whole lot. Still, they both seem a bit behind: neither mentions having a BWA glean your Wheaties in exchange for a little Q on A, so to speak.
Threesome Basics!
Ever wanted to have a threesome, but were unsure of what to do? Get Frank has a short guide about what to do in preparation for a threesome. As for what to do during a threesome: if you haven't been fantasizing about that for years, you probably aren't ready for a threesome yet. Or, go watch some porn; that threesomes sometimes appear in pornographic films, so I'm told.
Accent = Hilarious!
Noah Gallagher of Oasis recently experienced an interview in which he was accused of spending a lot of time with a "sex turkey." Now, I know I beat the shit out of someone who claimed to have seen me fucking a sex turkey (it was a sex guinea fowl, you fuck), but Gallagher has more tolerant sensibilities than me, and recognized it must have been misheard. Turns out, the interviewer was doing their best to say the name "Zak Starkey" - admit it, say it out loud in a sexy Brazilian accent, it does sound like "sex turkey" - which only means one thing: Noah Gallagher is fucking Zak Starkey. Don't believe me? It's right there in Gallagher's blog. (via)
Guys Give Better Blowjobs!
Holy crap, this blows my fucking mind, it's so obvious. Women give blowjobs out of the desire to please their partner, but without really understanding what it's like to get one. Guys, on the other hand, appreciate just how fucking awesome blowjobs are, so if you're planning on getting a blow job, find a guy to give it. No, this doesn't make you gay, it means you are a connoisseur of oral sex. Connoisseurs of anything know that to get the best, you go to the best, regardless of how unlikely. It's like that creepy dive bar in the industrial park who makes the best hamburgers in the world: you might think it makes you a redneck loser to hang out in a dive bar, but it's really about how fucking good the burgers are.
Porn Star = Billboard!
Let's say, you're a marketer, and you want to get your logo in front of the eyes of people who rarely leave the house, spend all their time staring at a computer screen. How do you get their attention? tattoo your logo on the tits of a porn star. This, my friends, is genius! The company sells virtual currency for online games, which means, that, yes, in terms of visual surfaces, porno tits occupy, like, 45% of the viewer's day, with the other 55% in the game itself anyway. Better than some poor loser's forehead - that just breeds pity and sorrow; porn star boobs make things awesomer.
Carnalpedia!
At long last, now when I upload dildo pictures all over the place at a Wiki, they won't keep getting deleted. Launched yesterday, Carnalpedia is a wiki for the porn set. Being a wiki, which is almost entirely user-created, there's not much of anything there at the moment. However, this is your chance: get your creepy fetish validated by creating a Carnalwiki page for it! Write glowing reviews about your favorite porn star, so anybody who says anything bad is thus the dissenter! Photos of your penis might, finally, actually be worthwhile to the webpage's content! This opens the doors for pretty much every creepy thing you do on the internet...and because it's a Wiki, now you're an authority on creepy internet sex acts!
Guys Tips For Sex!
Ladies, feel you just don't understand what a guy wants in bed? Are you starting to realize that all those women-written advice articles in Cosmo really don't know shit? Here's Vinay Menon of The Star, providing a number of helpful tips for sexing up the average guy. They range from practical to subtle, neither of which seem to pop up in the Cosmo lists, and, above all, he's funny.
Tantric Breast Massage!
My article on breast massage had no underlying philosophy other than "fuck her eventually", but Tantra has some deep concepts to address while squeezing and caressing those tits before you get to fuck her. Tantra Ecstasy has instructions on how to perform a tantric breast massage, so that you can have a religious excuse for playing with her breasts for half an hour. (via)
Hot Literature!
Take swimsuit model Bar Refaeli, combine a little Stephen King, and you're not getting some slasher-b-movie; you get the hottest way to read a book I've ever seen: 
More from this gallery >>
Cougars = Got Sex!
What does a successful diet, careful exercise planning, and a concern about her appearance and well-being get a cougar? Hot sex, that's who. The article, which pulls from a Newsweek article on such efforts for women to continue feeling and looking as young as they did twenty years before, seems to stretch the term 'cougar' to mean any sex-loving over-the-hill woman, rather than one who pursues younger men. Although, that may be a given: the alternative corollary is that a 50-something woman can still have hot sex if she takes care of herself...but all that dieting and exercise can't prevent the sweaty, wheezy, limp sex her 50-something fatass partner provides.
Green Acres: The Place To Be!
Eb comes running in - "Mr. Douglas! Mrs. Douglas is trying to milk the billy goat!" The porn music starts as Eddie Albert takes Eva Gabor by the hand...there's just not enough Green Acres porn in the world. The photo below - thankfully - has no goat-on-woman porn, which makes me wonder: why is the goat there at all, then? Answer: because there's just not enough Green Acres porn in the world.
More from this gallery >>
No Explosion Looking!
Think you're cool? You're not if you're staring, slack-jawed, at something that just blowed up real good. Cool guys don't look at explosions. You don't spit into the wind, you don't fuck around with Jim, and when something's going to explode, you walk away, beautifully framed in the expanding cloud of burning gasoline. That's how the world knows you're badass.
Attractiveness Pressure = Bad!
Hey, The Frisky, you're fucking women up! After yesterday's comment about women trying to look sexy at work, take this grain of salt: pressure to look attractive causes a fear of rejection. I suppose, a healthy desire to look good for your own sake isn't a horrible thing, but the social expectation that a woman be attractive by general standards (toenail polish is sexy: wear it even if you can't see it!) is making women neurotic. Stop being neurotic, ladies, you're probably hot enough if you're worried about trying to be hotter.
Sex Dance = Bad!
In the Caribbean, there's a new dance craze called "daggering," in which sex is simulated in frantic, violent ways. That doesn't sound like a lot of fun in the first place, but people have tried taking it to the next logical step, daggering while naked in bed. Careful, sloppy daggerers: you're asking for a ruptured penis. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be done, but everybody's so afraid of dry humping that the media has banned broadcast of anybody daggering.
Pissy Chick In The Bath
She always gives me that snotty look whenever I sit on the edge of the sink and watch her bathe. She'll eventually relent and invite me in, but there's always that...look.
More from this gallery >>
And more: 1 2 3 4
Bodypaint For Peace!
Is there nothing bodypaint can't do? Recently, it solved the problem or war in the world, via the Bullets 4 Peace fundraiser. Unsurprisingly, I could find very little about Bullet 4 Peace, but a whole fuckload of pictures from the show.
Sexy At The Office!
Ladies, don't you hate that you can't be hot as fuck every single minute of the day? The Frisky has a solution: be sexy even at work, even though nobody can see it. Shave your pubes into the U.S. state of your choice! Paint your toenails, then put your socks and shoes on! Flirt mercilessly with the hot janitor! Wait, that one wasn't on this list; I think that was at Literotica. Anyhow, ladies, you mustn't allow yourselves to slip in any situation, including sustaining that "I'm so sexy" feeling when you're at work.
Sex Doll Art!
The task: take a plaster cast of the April Flores sex-doll-toy-thing, then paint it. Result: Gallery of artsy vulvas! It's like that cow art project, only I want to fuck this one a little more. 
History Student = Slut!
This is totally not what I would have expected: History students have the most sex, followed by politics, philosophy, and economics. The economics dweebs have more sex than the art students, the music students, the athletics students? Ah, there might be the rub: the smart, sexy sports players with scholarships and their names on billboards want to be politicians and economists. Who heard of a running back aspiring to teach high school art? Put them in a classroom of undersexed nerdy history-major chicks, and you've got a perfect storm of sex. And gonorrhea, but, well, college isn't perfect.
Layoffs = More Sex Toys!
What do you do when technology giant Nortel lays both you and your wife off? Get into the unemployment line? Work for McDonald's? Maybe, just maybe, you'll be an inventor and produce a new sex-toy design. I think Gracie actually has one of those; the toymaking duo also have something entirely new in the works: "I discovered some technology developed by NASA that has never been applied to the sex toy industry," which can mean only one thing: alien orgasms. You heard it here first!
More Bi Women!
All this talk of sexual freedom and acknowledging ones own sexual identity is causing something unbelievable to happen: more women are admitting sexual attraction to their gal pals, and acting on it. Guys, this is the time everyone's been praying for: the world is being taken over by hot lesbians that are still sexually attracted to guys. Praise god, hallelujah! No, really, it's true: fucking Oprah says so!
Shakespeare: Porn Shop Pride!
Stratford-on-Avon, the home of Shakespeare, is aghast - agog! - over the idea of a sex shop opening in their fair city. "Children ride the bus!" they argue, "This isn't what we're trying to promote!" they cry. Reading Shakespeare is a wholesome, kid-friendly time anyhow, you know - I know it's the UK, very against gross acts of violence, so Macbeth is right out. Since Shakespeare is the reason we still understand the metaphor of of the beast with two backs (Interracial sex, no less!), so priding your town on its Shakespearean wholesomeness completely ignores what Shakespeare was all about: poon and death. The porn shop gets it: they think Shakespeare would be a good patron of their shop.
10 Sex Tips For Gals!
Handbag.com, wisely reducing women to their basest component in their domain name, has come up with the 10 most important sex tips every girl should know. Or, rather, "10 tips you figured out during the first two times you had sex, but we need to fill a slideshow, so here you go." Hey, women, sex with foreplay, touching, and sensual stripping is hot! Maybe do something kinky, or sex outside once in a while! Oh, wait, is that not enough? Let me write a couple paragraphs about each, just to make sure you get it - can't overestimate a woman's intelligence, you know. The article starts by calling these "10 mind-blowing tips," but if you're mind is blown by statements of the importance of kissing or how much men enjoy blow-jobs, you are probably way too naive to actually try sex just yet. Number 1 is probably the most relevant and useful suggestion, and is probably why they started writing the list: feel comfortable in your own skin. Most useless and probably tossed in just so they could get to ten? Perfecting your signature sex move. Perform for me, trained monkey, I paid good money to see something different than the last three acts! This appears to be promoting a book called Supersex, and if the Top Ten List is any indicator, their intended audience are 17-year-old fearful virgins and 16-year-old boys.
