Fucking Cars!
Clip shows like Best Week Ever and The Soup have grasped at low-hanging fruit by showing clips of interviews with people who have sex with cars. I mean, crazy right? Sex with a car? That's nuts!
But maybe, just maybe, you're curious about, um, how car sex works - just for science, that's all, not that you'd ever actually try it. So, go here for all the tips you'd ever want for fucking your car. Actually, once you go with these tips, everything is pretty self explanatory. Or so I've heard.
Do It For Denmark!
Spies Travel is planning on getting two birds with one stone: Solve Denmark's deceasing birthrate by fucking in France! Or Germany, or Greece, or Poland, I'm sure the travel agency isn't too picky where you want to buy tickets to, as long as you go there and fuck your brains out. For the good of the nation, of course.
Faking It!
Don't worry, women, faking it is just fine: according to a new study, faking orgasms is all part of the fun. It can improve the sex experience for both partners. The process is measured by the Faking Orgasm Scale, because if there's anything that needs to be quantitated and analyzed, it's an orgasm...or at least the features of pretending to orgasm. See, now they're just making it more complicated, and who can orgasm like that?
Wangcaster!
Recently, somebody tried selling a Wangcaster on Craigslist.Yes, you read that right: a Wangcaster. It's apparently a guitar shaped like a huge penis with balls, apparently to clue in really, really stupid people that don't get the symbolism of a regular guitar's shape in a man's hands. A little detective work proves the Craigslist guy stole the image from here, which proves that the guitar in the picture belongs to a guy in the Japanese band Tainted DickMen. Shame on you, Craigslist dude: everyone knows the best way to gain attention is to post your own big penis, not the musical penis of a Japanese rock star.
Ride-em Cowboy!
I love fancy underwear like this - it has a gun! There's a paisley crotch-cover that looks like you made a thong from a bandanna! The waistband says 'HUSTLER' all the way around!
Well, when I was in my twenties, yeah. Back then, there was a chance of somebody interesting seeing them. Now, there's just my girlfriend and she mostly just wants to see me without any underwear at all. The only other people who see it: other guys at truck stops, my doctor, coworkers who mock me for the "HUSTLER" waistband sticking up over my Dickey workpants. Hell, I'll still wear 'em, of course.
Via.
Hawaii Hookers!
Police are pushing for a law that would let them continue to have sex with hookers before arresting them. Seeing that, to prove a woman is a prostitute, having sex is the only way to do it, they must also be pushing for laws that allow them to do drugs seized in stings to prove they're drugs, fight dogs seized when raiding dog-fighting rings to prove they're actually fighting dogs, and shoot people whenever they feel like it because, fuck living up to the laws they're entrusted to enforce, they're cops and should get to do the fun parts of illegal activities. Or, just maybe, like most other low-threat crimes, they should just stick to blatant lawbreaking and not bother having to trick criminals into providing undeniable proof of their crime.
Via.
Facial Room!
An acne treatment clinic had found themselves under attack - attack by Russians looking for sperm-covered faces! Apparently someone has mis-typed a URL, directing facial-loving Russians to the acne-clinic's website thefacialroom.com. All this extra traffic has rubbed them the wrong way - most likely because they're paying for bandwidth by the meg - and all this porny traffic is causing some disturbation on their end. Rather than just taking their site down, they put up a message acknowledging all the facial attention...I'll bet it's because because sperm is good for acne, and they just don't want to admit it.
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Smutty Spoof Art!
When you talk about the porn that takes the most artistic talent, you're probably thinking erotic lovey-dovey, or maybe orgies and BDSM, but it takes a lot more than funny wigs and soundalike names to make a porn parody. Apparently, the watershed moment was Not the Bradys XXX, which directly parodied a well-known and visible property, both blatantly and accurately.
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Fire And Ice Condoms Bad!
PSA time: the Fire and Ice Trojan Condoms have chemicals on them that'll take off your nail polish. And that's only the half of it: you should probably think twice about letting one of these touch any of your mucous membranes (or the mucous membranes of the people you care about), because the stuff that's supposed to feel all firey and icey are actually pretty harsh and might not be as much fun as you think. The more you know!
First Kiss Parodies!
Last week, artist Tatia Pilivea released a video depicting several very attractive and cooperative strangers kissing each other for the first time. The universe quickly took offense with the video -- which shows how effective Pilivea was -- and everyone with a video camera made their own version of it, each one trying to be more 'real' than the other. First times are weird and gross, at least for most people who own video cameras, so videos like the hilarious First Handjob came into being, or Playboy finds an excuse to make Playmates kiss each other, but the one who definitely did it the best is Vice magazine, who really got really-real strangers to kiss each other on camera. Yes, including a creepy old guy and sloppy sounds, which really makes a 'first time' what it is: a unique experience for those involved, and less for an audience like the original was.
Soapy Irish Lass!
OK, I don't know if she's really Irish, but her last name is O'Hara, so as long as she fakes an Irish accent I'll be satisfied. Well, that and the chance to wash those soft, pale tits of hers. Hell, who cares about the accent at that point.
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Double China Dildo!
You kids these days, believe you're the first generation to think of sticking things in your hoo-ha. China has been doing it since before Jesus. This double-ended bronze dildo was unearthed in China, made over 2000 years ago. I hope they had a method of warming it up before use, because that looks cold. Eh, or maybe Chinese lesbians like it that way, who am I to judge. But, anyhow, next time you're shopping for dildos, just remember, some lady thousands of years ago had the exact same thoughts running through her head: "is this too big? is it curved enough? how do I clean it?"
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Bass Egg!
There's a soon-to-be-released product called the Bass Egg, which is pretty much a speaker without a cone: it's designed to make any surface the woofer cone, in theory with the right surface it'll be more effective than a regular speaker. Now, Howard Stern knows how to use bass to a woman's benefit, so you audiophile guys better have one installed in the bedroom. Disconnect the midrange and tweeters, crank up the Skrillex, and she'll reach orgasm before the drop.
Via.
Lick This App!
More apps designed to assist the sexually-deficient: Lick This App is a touchscreen game designed to train your tongue for the licking gymnastics required for cunnilingus. About the only thing I've read regarding this app is "ewwwww, phones are gross!" Fucker, mostly what touches your phone is your finger and your cheek -- sure, that finger has been in your nose, but I'll be damned if it didn't touch your mouth directly at some point, like the phone somehow makes it worse. My StarTAC won't play this game, not enough RAM I guess, but if I ever encounter it in person I'll bet even I can learn something about clit-licking from this app. Even Olympic athletes continue to train after winning the gold.
Via, app designed by Christ Allick. al-LICK, get it?
CPAC Nookie!
Wherever Conservatives go, everyone's surprised by the amount of sex that follows. Sure, Liberals probably fuck the locals just as much, but they're at least happy to admit it. Conservatives hate any sort of just-for-fun sex -- when speaking to the public -- so there's a certain amount of schadenfreude in reading their non-sexy and barely poetic attempts to get laid via Craigslist. Can't you guys just masturbate to pictures of women being turned away from abortion clinics or kids going hungry? We all know what turns you on: you'll be much happier if you just admit it to the world.
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Libby In The Bath!
I have never agreed with Martha Stewart before, but she recently gave the advice to bathe whenever sex is involved. My hard cock salutes Ms. Stewart for this.
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Porn Butterflies!
Artist Tran Truong has made beautiful works of 3D art containing hundreds of cut-out butterflies...not just any butterflies, though. Tran has cut hundreds of pornographic magazines into tiny, beautiful butterflies, making the art an exercise of enjoying altered art while catching a glimpse of a huge penis every once in a while . It's like Tyler Durden's Etsy shop. The exhibit is at the Telegraph Hill Gallery.
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Not Enough Canada Porn!
A while back I posted about a TV channel in Canada broadcasting 50% Canadian porn, but today I learned that it's not much higher than the normal requirement. Canada's CRTC requires at least 35% Canadian content -- even on the porn channels -- and some of the erotic video isn't meeting the minimum requirements. The porn channels claim it was a mathematical error (it sounds like they were aiming for 33.3%) but they'll do better next time. The other complaint was that there wasn't enough closed-captioning and audio description of the performance for the hearing impaired, which is a job I wholeheartedly volunteer for, if in lieu of pay I get Canadian citizenship, where I can watch all the Canadian porn they broadcast.
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3nder!
Move over Grindr, Tinder, Tumblr, and Flickr: there's a new way to figure out where to stick your penis! It's called 3nder, presumably pronounced 'thrrrndr', and it's designed to facilitate having threesomes. They're just building buzz at the moment - you can't download the app just yet - but when it does I'm sure it's going to make finding threesomes much easier than putting ads in Craigslist. This is just another step in the whole niche dating environment that's so hot right now, full of startups connecting unicorns with other unicorns, that simultaneously sound dumb but immediately the feeling changes to "damn, I wish I thought of that..."
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Monica's Soapy Boobs!
"Do you want to touch them?" she asked. I rolled my eyes. Of course I want to touch them.
"...or would you rather they touched you?" she asked, smiling slightly.
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Stephen Colbert!
Once upon a time, famous rich-person Richard Branson went kitesurfing with a naked woman strapped to his back. Why? "Because fuck you, that's why", said Branson before wiping his butt with hundred dollar bills (or so I heard that's how it went). Anyhow, shortly thereafter Stephen Colbert was caught in an equally compromising position, vacuuming with a naked woman on his back, while dressed like Richard Branson. This is why I'm trying to get rich, people: I am so rarely ridden by naked women, and I feel left out.
