Triangles!
Holy shit, my dad was right: cut your sandwiches like triangles, not at a 90 degree angle. My mom used to always cut them across the middle, making two rectangles, while dad did it from corner to corner. Mom always looked at him with pity and distain: how could he do something so wrong? Dammit, woman, he was fucking right. I have new respect for my father - he was rarely in the kitchen, but he sure knew how to cut a sandwich.
Cracker Sex Toys!
Sometimes, it takes me a while to translate British news; they write about sex more than the US, but Google Translate doesn't work for shit. Anyhow, something called a "Christmas cracker" is given to children, and when they do something to it, things come out, usually toys and fun stuff. In one case, however, a kid popped his Christmas cracker, and got a adult toy sampler! First of all: where do I get some of these?!? I could get all my Xmas shopping done in one step. Second of all: the product did have an "adults only" sticker on it - but the shop said they'll remove any crackers without stickers from the front of the shop, leaving the adult-only crackers right where parents will pick them up for their kids. Best Christmas Ever! The other reason British news about sex is better: in the U.S., someone would have called the police, somewhere somebody would be screaming, "won't someone think of the children!" and that 4-year-old child would be on Fox News being questioned about the stuff he didn't understand to begin with, but would quickly be explained to him by all the people wishing to show just how damaged the child was by seeing condoms. Sure, somebody called the paper - wouldn't want it to happen again - but they were able to just get the fuck over themselves. Americans: get the fuck over yourselves.
Google Hookers!
Omigod - Google Street View actually shows Google Street Walkers! Er, maybe, maybe not - while some might actually be such a thing, more than likely these are just women dressed sexy, going to the beach, but just happening to be standing next to the road waiting to cross. But, hey, if your boss has porn blocked, at least you have something to fall back on.
Android Porn!
The iPhone might have been first, but it kinda sucks - mostly because, unless you live in a big city, it's a useless piece of crap. Secondly, if you want porn, it's an even bigger useless piece of crap. Google to the rescue: the G-based Android phone has a bigger wireless network, and they're totally OK with pornographic apps in their store. It'll only be a matter of time before Apple opens up the naughtiness, but my money is still on the 'Droid. Remember Betamax, HDDVD, the development of chat and streaming software - the technology that best embraces pornography will always take center stage. Bye, iPhone, your absence of genitals will be your downfall.
Art = Porn!
The rise you get from looking at a classical nude piece of art is supposed to be pure, virginal love of art, right? Fuck that, it's OK to get a hard-on while taking in some naked marble beauty. Calling it art helps get away with the opportunity to see nudity; our artistic forefathers knew exactly what they were doing, and that makes them the greatest people in the history of civilization. This boosts my hopes that my nearly-complete Hustler collection will get my descendants big bucks at the fine art auctions in the year 2300.
Art + Boobs = Money!
Scotland won't fund the public display of several paintings, so the private sector has to pony up. To raise the funds, models and actresses - including beauty Kim Catrall - pose for tasteful renditions of classical art, and the money raised through the sale funds the museum. I can't think of a better way for boobs and art to come together. And, yes, that link includes the NSFW photos of the nude babes.
Hooker For Pregnancy!
What do you do when your wife gets pregnant? Sign up for five months of hooker fucking! A Swedish prostitution sting operation caught a 39-year old man, who was trying not to fuck his pregnant wife, instead choosing to fuck Russian prostitutes. The prosecutor, after reading the man's heartfelt request for leniency, decided to help the guy out and mailed his citation to his work address so his wife wouldn't have to find out. Remember, he loves his wife very, very much, so much that he'd rather fuck a Russian whore than upset his wife's delicate condition. And let the story be printed anonymously in the paper, so every woman within a month or two of giving birth can now suspect her husband of solicitation.
Empty Sex Promises OK!
Once upon a time, it apparently was illegal to promise future marriage just to fuck somebody - in Korea, at least - but the law was recently overturned, allowing creepy guys to promise to marry everyone they want to fuck. Hooray for the 21st century! It's about time somebody proved that, A: some guys still use that line, and B: - it totally works!
More Cosmo Fail
I think this is going to be a running feature on this site: Cosmopolitan magazine continues to fail anatomy class. First of all, penis and vagina positioning continue to fail - just look at where the bottom of his ass is, and where they think is penis is, it's like three inches below his crotch. But beyond anatomy, Cosmo fails at physics this time, particularly how leverage works. In science class, the babe here is a 2nd Order Lever - the fulcrum is at one end, the weight is in the middle, and the force acting on the weight is at the other end, her feet. Holding on to his neck, all of her weight is trying to swing towards his body, with her feet to stop from either pushing him over or pulling him forward. Her feet are significantly beyond the fulcrum - try this, my experimenters: sit down on the floor with your knees bent and your feet about two feet underneath your dining room table. Now grab the edge of the diningroom table and pull yourself up so the tabletop is at nose level. Hard, ain't it? that's because your feet can't do much, the leverage is forcing your feet to lift up off the floor. Pretty much all this couple can do it stand like this, his throbbing cock against her belly, and all her weight against his thighs. This might work if her feet were against a flat wall, and not resting on a hovering three-inch-thick midget bed, thus giving her something to push against so she can do the thrusting. He can't thrust; if he stops leaning backwards against her weight, they'll both fall towards her. Unless he's Superman or something, holding all of her weight on his hands (at the end of monkey-like super-long arms according to the image below) and moving her around like a sex toy. That would help a lot of sex positions; here, not even Superman's mighty penis can line up with how they're positioned. Total fail.
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Families to Avoid!
Why am I talking about thanksgiving? Because I missed Halloween and the awesome sexy costumes, and I'm spending today wanking in front of the computer, so you get blog posts about today instead. Anyhow, I'm avoiding my family, because they're only fun individually - put them in a room together and it's Advil and crying for everyone. As it should be, if I compare others' stories we're in the middle of the bell curve. TV is, of course, the best reference for how real life works, and Nerve has a list of the family types to avoid. Sure, they're crazy made-up-for-TV families - I mean, come on, eight babies and they haven't killed each other? - but use them at your discretion. By doing like me: watching every one of the families Nerve lists on the Tivo or Hulu and skip the family fun altogether.
Ruin Thanksgiving!
I'm sure you're about to head out the door to drive a couple hours to Grandma's house and see the family. Remind yourself: there's a reason you moved to an inaccessible-but-not-distant town - family sucks. I mean, it doesn't suck as much as someone running over your cat or being paralyzed but completely aware but nobody knows it or getting kicked in the balls, and family is good as long as nobody upsets the apple cart. If you absolutely, positively, must upset the apple cart, Guyism has the tips to get it done quickly and easily. Not that it's too hard to begin with, but efficiency is the way to get yourself home in time to watch football without Screamy Uncle Matt rooting for the wrong team.
Coed Dorms = Vice!
Hey, it turns out that the more that the young sexes spend time together, the more likely they're going to have sex, drink, and otherwise do all the things mom and dad said not to do. My outrage is this: where were co-ed dorms when I was in college?!? Shit, easier access to beer and fucking is what everyone wants. I wish my apartment building was co-ed, because letting the sexes mingle is clearly the problem here.
A Gothy Bath
As hot water ran into the tub, building mounds of flowery-scented bubbles, she scooped up a handful of suds and brought them to her chest, letting the foam slide down her ivory skin. Like an idiot, I laugh and say, "you're going to make the floor slippery..." She comes closer and presses her body against mine, the wet soap soaking into my shirt, her hard nipples pressing against my chest. "We should get in the tub, then, don't you think?"
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Sex Doesn't Sell!
According to Canada - and who listens to Canada, really? - a study of box-office numbers shows that sex doesn't result in higher box-office returns. Too much sex and it reduces returns, but that's due to the ratings boards assigning an NC17 versus an R than outright viewer choice. "Independent Vancouver-based researcher Anemone Cerridwen" wonders why there's sex in films at all - but I can say from first-hand experience that there's a lot of shitty, shitty films out there that have made more money because of boobs. Hell, most of the movies I watched during the eighties were because of the chance to see boobs. The only reason a lot of guys watched Fast Times at Rigemont High - a chick flick at its core - is to see Phoebe Cate's tits. Jesus christ, why else would anybody have voluntarily watched Doc Hollywood if not for the gratuitous nudity? The Mr Skin guys are fucking rich because of sex and nudity in films, but I guess it's hard for Canada to understand - so God Bless America!
3G = Porn!
For us Western countries, 3G means high-speed internet in your pocket; for China, in theory, it means no longer having to keep the string stretched as tight as possible when you talk into the soupcan to Grandma, but the powers-that-be claim all 3G will bring is pornography. Other things the Chinese government have blamed for the increase in pornography are the internet, printing presses, fax machines, LEDs, pizza delivery restaurants, Reebok sneakers, Linkin Park, ornately designed flower gardens in private yards, hovercrafts, dry-erase markers, and, of course, Japan.
Dress Like Fight Club!
Finally, something on men's fashion that doesn't look uncomfortable and stupid: How To Dress Like Fight Club, via Mark Ecko. The best thing on there: that down-filled winter vest. When I was younger, back when they first came out, I had one of those puffy blue down-filled coats and it was awesome; somewhere in the basement, I have a vintage 70s racing jacket, also puffy and filled with something warm. Stay away from the Thinsulate, guys, it just doesn't have the same effect.
Show Some Skin!
Manolith has figured out just how sexy exposed skin is on a babe. Ladies, it turns out that 40% is about the most skin you should be showing; any more than that is threatening, but much less than that is too Puritan for a man's roving eyes. Personally, I think that the "more than 40% turnoff" rapidly goes off-scale high once the exposed skin reaches 100%, if my website traffic is any indicator.
2010 Calendars!
I've been slowly accumulating links to sexy calendars, but COED magazine has compiled a good list on their own, including hot photos - that Keeley Hazell bubble bath photo gets me riled up, you know - with enough calendars to cover every wall, including your cubicle at work, with a different hottie every month. Here's two more that I got emailed to me, which are artiser: Mishka NYC with photos by Ellen Stagg, and a Eastern European Beauties swimsuit calendar.
Hooker Competition!
Prostitution has traditionally weathered economic downturns well, but this era has produced a worthy competitor: people hooking up via dating sites, chat, Facebook, etc. are replacing hiring a hooker as a penis-friendly pasttime. There's enough people out there willing to fuck for fun that there's fewer people willing to pay for it, and that has hookers at a disadvantage. They need a stimulus bill, don't you think: a Cash for Clunkers deal, so to speak: stop the economically damaging behavior, get people to spend some money and bouy the markets. Prostitution is a nationwide industry, too!
HEF ALMOST DIED!
Hugh Hefner, aspiring sea captain and proprietor of Playboy, almost choked to death on a Ben Wa ball. Jesus Christ, Hef - you're doing it wrong. Are you bamboozled by sex? No, seriously, Hef, it's a big problem in the world. Here's some tips on how to properly use them. I mean, Kegel exercises for men are important, Hef, especially for men of your age, but the mouth isn't a reasonable alternative to a vagina. For Ben Wa balls, at least.
Safe Sex Bamboozle!
I just like the word "bamboozle" - but one in ten people don't know how to do safe sex right, which primarily means they still believe the bullshit their friends told them when they were twelve. I'd like to blame American abstinence education, but this story comes out of the UK, a godless Socialist country who probable shows porn in their classroom and encourages orgies in children as young as five. I may be guessing, of course, but you can't trust people whose government provides healthcare; I'm sure their country is an economic wasteland. A wasteland full of people bamboozled by condom use.
Hammer Boobs!
There's a book out called Hammer Glamour, a coffeetable book with busty photos of the busty babes of busty horror movies by Hammer Busty. Er, Hammer Studios. Anyhow, the book doesn't lack in boobs, but reviews say it isn't comprehensive, so if you want a encyclopedia of Hammer performers, this ain't it, but the photos make up the difference.
No Benny Hill Stamp!
Benny Hill was slated to appear on a British postage stamp, but when the powers-that-be sat down to decide who got a stamp honoring TV history, Hill was deemed too naughty. Citizens, however, have been outraged - outraged! - because Hill was such a great part of their culture. I'll admit, the only reason I'm linking to this story is so I can run this picture: 
If that's not proof the UK has better television than us in the US, I don't know how else to tell you.
Welcome Back!
I kinda like explaining what's going on with the site from time to time - makes me feel like there's actually somebody reading who cares when things are quiet for a while. Anyhow, in a stroke of financial genius, work authorized overtime from last Wednesday until this coming Wednesday, so that they can lay us off next Wednesday night through next Monday. The theory was: if everyone was taking a paid holiday for Thanksgiving and half the office is using vacation for Friday, that's 40% of the week's payroll still going out without any production to cover the expense. Things are tight, don't you know, so they'd rather pay us extra to create billable work than to have us end the month two days behind. It sounds like somewhat of a pain in the ass, but, hell, an overtime paycheck right before Christmas wins out over updating this site, don't you think? So, next week I'm planning on making up for it, expecially since Thursday and Friday I'll be sitting at home in my underwear, drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade and watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on a constant loop from the Tivo. Oh, and for any legal eagles who want to say, "hey, they can't lay you off for two days like that and make you work a 60-hour week, blah blah blah", there was an unwritten opt-out option, which is why they offered the overtime to sweeten the deal.
Porn Is Hiring!
The economy is slumping, people aren't spending the way they have, and torrents are to blame for everything, so what's a key grip or best boy to do? Go work on porn. It used to be, in the high-flying eighties, if you weren't union you had to start out in porn, but since porn is the only one hiring these days those same film crewmembers have to look towards the seedy side of filmmaking to get the bills paid. Poor Sasha Gray - she worked so hard to break out, and a bad economy will just keep pulling her in!
Public Sex!
Public sex! What better way to get arrested than fucking where someone might see you - and Get Frank has some advice on how to do it right. I'm too much of a pussy to even risk it - what would my mom think if that showed up in the police blotter?!? - but I suppose if you include some quickies in the car at a rest area, it turns out I've been a naughty boy anyway. When the dick says it's time for a fuck, you better be prepared to act on it.
Finnair Is The Tits!
Let's say you've flown on Finnair a few times, your airmiles are building up, but you just can't find a reason to use all your miles up. The airline has a solution: cash in your airmiles for a bigger rack. Finnair has made arrangements with the fine medical community of Finland to offer the free "upgrades" after an initial customer-paid consultation. Nobody's taken them up on the offer yet, but soon, soon, those gorgeous jetsetting Finnish babes will be upgraded to Californian standards!
Sex Don'ts!
You ladies have whole magazines telling you the dos and don'ts of sex, but they always seem to be missing something. Here's some guys who want to fill in the blanks. Numero Uno: Ask Before You Surprise Me With A Finger In The Butt. Yes, ladies, after you read enough Cosmo, we're completely certain you've lost all ability to have logical thought. In fact, everything on The Frisky's list counteracts or undoes that Cosmo shit you read.
Cone Bras!
Cone bras are coming back, according to something called a "John Lewis" (in Cockney rhyming slang I bet that means "Wal-Mart"). Sales of conical bras are up 33%, meaning women are feeling more perkier about their breast supports these days. All I can say is that the breasts seen in early 60s films are some of the greatest boobage in history: I sure hope those 33% in new shoppers are buying tight sweaters with their new bra acquisitions.
Cosmo Fails Anatomy!
I've been checking out Cosmo's "hot new positions" images for a while, and they usually require quite a bit of geometry to make them fit. This recent one is a total FAIL. Unless fucking her belly button is the intent. Even if she wasn't floating two inches above the floor (suspended by his penis?) or putting all of her weight on the arch of his foot, her back is arched and her ass is sticking out - her vagina is pointed ninety degrees away from his dick, even if their crotches lined up. But, like I've said before, Cosmo is simply erotica, so nobody's going to try it - she's going to diddle her clit while fantasizing about Mr. Line Art in the shower. 
Tiny Dick Support Group!
If you're one of those guys who are less than endowed, I implore you - do not go to the tiny penis message boards. Penis length is 90% subjective, so self-identifying yourself as a negative is like going over an posting complaints at "The Message Board for Stupid, Ugly, and Rude People". Sure, there's lots of stupid, ugly, and rude people in the world, but the ones that identify with that idea are bigger losers than anybody else in the world. I may be biased, though: I'm hung like a fucking bull moose, so getting high-fives isn't difficult for me. On the other hand - RedBloodedThing.com totally welcomes men who think they've got small dicks: I can pretty much guarantee that your dick is nowhere near as small as you think it is, and the only time women care is when they want to use you as a toy. Don't be a toy, don't be a self-criticising jerk, and you'll have no problem finding a babe who'll ride that cock until you're both too chafed to care.
Paylin Biography!
In honor of Sara Palin's new biography, in which she shits on everyone that tried to help get her elected, here's something better to devote your attention to: Naylin' Paylin's Lisa Ann, who, happily, has way more skills and talents than Palin will ever have:
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Hot Priest Vestments!
At first glance, I wonder why Catholics are posting female models in priest garb, but then I remembered that Anglicans have no problem hiring babes to teach the Bible. So it's no surprise designer Maria Sjodin wants to wrap those hot clergy in something befitting their babalicious nature. Oh, Sweden, you know just how to get guys back into church: 
Dildo for Pipe Laying!
The barter economy is back! Businesses are swapping products and services rather than cash, hence CNN's titillating headline by which a sex toy store gets its pipes done for the cost of a few Hoppin' Rabbits. Some dildo arbitrage might work well for most industries, and I'll bet it'll translate to prostitution. Just imagine: rather than paying her $200, take her out to dinner and a movie and still get laid afterwards. Hell, that sounds more fun!
Army Body Paint!
Not only am I a sucker for babe calendars, I love body paint - here's a military-themed set of hot babes painted up for Veteran's Day. Quality varies, but the full uniform ones are hot as all fuck. 
RyanAir Calendar!
I'm a sucker for naughty calendars, and Ryanair is the newest entry. Not much nudity, sadly, although there's some of those hot "she's naked, but her arms are strategically positioned" photos that make Maxim even remotely readable. This is a charity calendar, so get one, help out some kids, and look at sexy stewardesses all year long.
Marvel Swimsuits!
I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty sure I bought one of these when I was younger and was afraid Mom would find out - and I was *20* and still living at home. Marvel has been publishing swimsuit issues for nearly twenty years now, giving their artists a chance to draw their characters even sluttier than ever before, plus the contrivance in which a character takes off their spandex to put on a swimsuit is even stranger (most images are, simply, a color change). Comics Alliance has some of the weirdest swimsuit issue entries, and you should note that there's no She-Hulk. There's nothing "funny" or "snide" to say about She-Hulk: she as much sexy as you can fit into a 7-foot tall green lawyer as you can get.
Ass Tape!
Jesus Christ, Juanita, you need to stop eating so much before bed. There's only one solution to avoiding fuck-farts:
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Kienholz's Hoerengracht!
From next week until February, the UK's National Gallery will get a taste of America's whore appreciation: the life-sized sculpture Hoerengracht will be on display, a movie-set of sorts in which Ed and Nancy Kienholz recreated a 1980s Amsterdam brothel in loving detail. For those of you interested in a purely American version, his Roxy's is a take on a 1940s Nevada brothel - but it's in a private collection. Hoerengracht has been touring for better than ten years, so if your artsy-fartsy demeanor has kept you from experiencing red-light Amsterdam directly, here's a chance to do so while retaining your high-falootin' airs. Just don't plan on fucking anybody there.
Maryland: College Porn OK!
The grand province of Maryland has passed a law to require colleges to screen their campus for pornography. Not just their internet connection - everything on campus was to be screened for porn. Maryland university's responses: "Dude, have you seen how much porn there is in the world?." The article fudges around the edges of first amendment rights and the legality of being the obscenity police, but I'd like to add this: college students are FUCKING ADULTS. Jesus christ, treat people like children until their fucking thirty and let's see what direction society goes. "Hello, there, Mr. Med Student, heard you saved somebody's life yesterday - oh, and hand over the Playboys, you can't be trusted to make good decisions about sex."
Golf Bra!
As if there's ever a reason to avoid hobby convergence: what happens when you put a person's two favorite things together? Boobs and golf = the removable putting green bra! Not only does it involve both boobs and golf, it talks, telling you that you made a 'good shot' if you get a hole in one - which is usually what's running through your head when removing a bra equals a 'hole in one', so to speak.
Suck A Bull's Dick!
Over in the UK, they've got something called "Tango", which appears to be the kind of soda assholes drink. They've also got a government group that makes sure ads aren't offensive, and they've shut down one of Tango's recent ad campaigns, because the posters lead drinkers to believe that, if they drink the crap, they'll be induced to suck on a "bull's udder", or, which implies the only thing hanging down between a bull's legs. Whoever thinks that it's a selling point to suggest that bestiality cunnilingus is tied to your product, they should be fired - but, as we all know, they'll just claim the Tango made them do it.
BPA: Penis Killer!
Sure, bisphenol-A makes your water bottles firm and keeps metals from leeching into your canned beans, but it is killing your penis. From the level of hyperbolic fear induced in the first few lines of this article, I can only infer that men who have touched BPA plastic at any point in their lives eventually see their dick shrivel up, fall off, and disappear in a cloud of dust, like some vampiric dildo. Not so, says the article: they checked with a couple hundred people working at a manufacturer in China, who showed a slight higher likelihood of sexual dysfunction when they had significant contact with BPA - and, Jesus, they're working in a Chinese chemical plant, they're lucky their dick hasn't shriveled up and fallen off. They didn't mention that each of these men only had three fingers on each hand, could sense changes in the approaching cosmic winds, and in some cases pooped pure pewter. And those were the lucky ones. BPA in high doses: bad. BPA in your complimentary NPR water bottle: stop worrying, you fucking pansy.
Sasha's Bubble Bath!
Sure, that look means she knows my reason for being in the bathroom while she soaks is a lame, contrived excuse. The clown suit, the bucket of vanilla ice cream, and three feet of Bubble Tape are - for all intents and purposes - the only reason she hasn't kicked me out:
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Grow Your Own Penis!
Scientists have finally done something worthwhile: they have figured out how to grow spare penises - functional penises. While transgendered people and people with erectile problems are probably the top recipients of this technology, who's to stop ladyboys from switching from men-with-implants to women-with-specially-grown dicks? What's to stop me from growing, like, twelve extra cocks on various extremities? The possibilities are endless, and the world has become a better place for it. A Brave New World...of penis excess.
Hobbies Make You Sexy!
According to a British survey, your hobbies make you seem hotter to the opposite sex. Men, here's what'll make you sexier: football, surfing, photography, rock climbing, and white-water rafting. The survey was done in Great Britain, which means, sorry, Americans, "football" doesn't mean your cheesehead hat will impress her much. The list might be a bit more worldly, though: there's white-water rafting in the British Isles? That doesn't seem right. Anyhow, guys will say the women's list is 'duh' - figuring prominently as a woman's hobby is "pole dancing".
Evony = Porn!
There's something online called "Evony", which I only know through their busty and erection-provoking online ads. Evony has shown their hand by not vetting the exclusivity of their images better: their recent campaign included an image from the cover of a girls-gone-wild-esque DVD. Apparently, this has something to do with SimCastle style online gameplay, but - fuck - sex sells, and they've got gamers all over the internet yammering on about how boobs are an unacceptable way to sell an online game. Fuck that: boobs are never unacceptable when it comes to ads for grown-up products.
Porn Revival: Women!
Here's a porn story every conservative Republican can get behind: the porn industry is losing its misogynistic edges thanks to the capitalistic influence of women. Ayn Rand would be proud! By becoming a larger part of the porn purchasing consumer-base, which used to be made up of entirely of child molesters and closeted gay Republicans according to Fox News, women are influencing the content and subject of pornographic films. The article is more-or-less an extended ad for last month's PorYes events, which aim to endorse female-friendly pornography. With the economic downturn porn has been slipping like everything else; those women's dollars (or Euros, as the case might be) have a greater weight than ever before - do it for the porn industry, ladies: use capitalism to make porn more enjoyable for everyone, including those closeted gay Republicans.
Lube = GOOD!
Your friendly neighborhood sex-toy reviewer has been telling you this for years, but now here comes the Science!: women from age 18 and up report improved sexual experiences - whether with a partner or alone - when they use lube. Interestingly, another reason for lube that I was unfamiliar with is that STDs are transmitted easier if friction causes damage to the vagina. Just typing the sentence "damage to the vagina" makes me cringe; do your friendly neighborhood vagina some good and use some lube, everybody - you can buy that shit at Wal-Mart now, and the little bottle of Astroglide lasts practically forever - go buy some now.
Reply All Sucks
Internet romances aren't a bad thing, and - as Gracie can attest - turn into good things in the end. However, as two Cornell employees have found out, there's a few things that can go wrong with an internet romance, making it more trouble than it's worth: - doing it with coworkers;
- doing it with married coworkers;
- doing it via your work email;
- accidentally sending it to the 'forward to all' address to everybody who knows where you work, who you work with, who you're married to, and who now knows just how productive you really are.
Pattinson Panties!
I'm sure, if you're here looking for porn, you're a Twilight fan - it only makes sense, right? - so here's an opportunity to purchase the greatest Twilight fashion accessory ever: Robert Pattinson underwear. They're handmade, and purposefully designed so that sparkly vampire's puckered lips are right against your cunt. Not only are they attractive, they're functional!
Sex Amnesia!
Not the kind of amnesia where you wake up next to somebody and can't remember the night before. Well, sorta. But not because of beer, you drunk. It's a rare event where the act of sex causes amnesia - you, essentially, fuck until you can't remember what day it is. It's all fun and good while it's happening, but for the rest of us our memory comes back; for others, not so much. Not only that, but the article brings up another scary term: "coital headaches." Jesus Christ, it's like your crotch is doing it's best to kill your brain, and that's scary.
Hardcore Girls Video!
I don't know what a "Girls" is, although I think I may have heard their song in some TV show a couple nights ago (the lead singer has a Ween-ish tone), but they've got a new video out called Lust For Life, which includes a lot of hinted nudity. Where's all the real nudity, you ask? in the 'leaked' XXX version. Everyone hints that the XXX version is the real video, but I doubt it; the first one has all the feel of an intentional music video, the second feels like outtakes and the stuff that was cut to avoid nudity. Plus, in the second one, you see a guy singing into another guy's erect penis like a microphone. I can't think of a band that would benefit from that in a video. Besides The Rolling Stones. Or Lady Gaga.
Cop Is Undercover Hooker!
An entrepeneurial prostitute decided to prey on her customers' worst fears: the hooker, once alone with her john, pretended to be an undercover cop, but the kind of cop that'd let off somebody for a bribe and a handshake. Far less work than her usual trade, but, well, extortion is frowned upon almost as much as prostitution, so she ended up in jail anyway.
Too Much Brook Boob!
Poor Kelly Brook - she was photographed naked, avec pastries, for a promotional poster for the stage performance of Calendar Girls. The top photo is the original, which is more like the stage show - however, those naughty censors decided those buns aren't big enough to avoid stirring ravenous urges of men ogling her cleavage. Never mind the fact that the bready boobs have little red nipples at the ends; all it does is encourage nibbling. Anyhow, all I want to know is: where can I get one of those posters??? 
Gov't MUST GIVE PORN!
Tennessee's Electric Power Board, a government entity which provides utilities to the region, also provides Cable TV service. When they decided to add PPV porn, the shit hit the fan. The EPB's response: we're the government, censoring porn on moral grounds constitutes a First Amendment violation. You're God damn right it is. Notice how Republican senator David Fowler has no problem with a socialist utility company - those god damned socialists are ruining the competition! - but when the utility provides a customer-desired service - god damned capitalists, doing what the market wants! - the Conservative Republican is outraged - outraged! - that they can't control the socialist utility's capitalistic decision to provide a particular product because it violates the citizen's 1st Amendment rights. There's so much fail in the Republican response, it makes me want to go buy pay-per-view porn in Tennessee just to spite those hypocrytical assholes. The biggest takeaway is this: only when a politican can control and benefit from something, are they for it. Fuck all y'all, you just voted for them, but what have you done for them since?
Irish: Sexy!
That thick Irish accent is the sexiest accent around, beating out even the French. Wait, a french accent was considered sexy at some point? Anyhow, I'd like to add that I can't think of the last time I've seen an unattractive Irelander; all that red hair, pale skin, rowdy disposition, and love of the drink usually add up to a hot time after the bar anyhow; the accent is just a plus.
Curvy Is Better!
In various polls around the world, Science! has proven that heavier people are better lovers than those skinny-ass people that are in magazines. I couldn't agree more; Nothing's better than a curvy lady on the higher end of the BMI, and skinny ladies just look...fragile. And like a teenage boy. Neither of which I want to bring into my bedroom. I try to post pictures of curvier women here, and I must say, if I do post a size 0 woman, it's only because her tits are amazing.
Polygamy = Good!
All the people complaining about single moms on welfare should put their money where their mouth is: the government recommends men should up their 'wife quota' and marry some of these unmarried ladies, thus reducing the amount of trouble they cause. It's in Malaysia, so don't worry, Mr. My-Taxes-Are-Mine - that country is largely Islamic and doesn't have the creepiness of Christianity to prevent much-needed help from reaching these unmarried heads of households. It's a simple solution for open-minded countries to offer, but it would so totally make our nation's leaders' heads explode to even wrap their heads around the polygamy/marriage-reform/welfare-moms/illegitimate-children angles.
Your Tongue?!?
Okay guys, I know all you're looking at is her huge rack, covered in some hand-lotion soapy stuff. Divert your eyes away for a little while, and look a little northwards. She's pouring the fucking soap on her tongue first. Lady, you're tits rock, but tripping my gag reflex is no way to turn me on. Jesus, I don't even know why I'm posting this, I'm not going to be able to look at my own site until this falls off the main page. 
More from this gallery >>
Amish Online Dating!?
Your faith makes you shun modern conveniences, avoiding the helpful modern technology that only encourages sloth and sin - but you haven't found the right person to enjoy it with you. Thank god for Amish-Online-Dating dot Com. Now, simply go online to find other Amish - Amishes? Amishers? - to share your life with; it's easier than trying to get a buggy ride to that other farm ten miles over. And, if it's anything like other dating sites, you might get to experience one of the oldest forms of employment known to man, ideal for the Amish: she might just be a prostitute, pretending to be a sweet, virginal believer.
Porn: Ruining Good Sex!
Give it a rest, guys: the sex you see in porn isn't real sex, and you shouldn't be trying to copy it. I'm not quite sure it's true, though: the last time I was at a high school, everybody suddenly broke into a song and dance number right after the handsome jock asked the gorgeous nerd to prom; I had eaten so many shrooms that day. I find porn entertaining, and even laugh at it from time to time - that 'dick slapping' move mentioned in the link is so absurdly unsexy I wonder how it got so widespread - but I know better than to think any position for having sex while cheating open for the cameras isn't going to be much fun. The problem has got to be inexperienced guys who know nothing else. Ladies, would you rather you had a guy who didn't know anything about sexual pleasure trying to figure you out? At least these guys have a baseline to work from; the product of our educational system only know how to make babies and prevent disease, but porn-educated lovers at least understand the good parts somewhat.
Where The Virgins At?!!?
A scientist has finally gotten around to validating the film The 40 Year Old Virgin (understandably, low on the list, compared to films like Cheaper By The Dozen II), and they've released their results. Your virgins don't drink much, they're far more likely to be church-goers, are likely to be gay, and they're not in the military nor are they black. In other words, pretty much how you'd expect, but there's one surprising thing: attractiveness doesn't matter. Virgins aren't virgins because nobody wants to have sex with them; they're virgins because they've never gotten around to having sex - much like the movie. Cinema and sociology both win!
