It's almost Christmas, and you're still looking for the right gift for that special person??! Maybe he or she is just not too keen on bright-pink veiny rubber penises, and you want to get them a sex toy that doesn't look like a sex toy -- then Gizmodo has the clickbait article for you! The one guy toy on the list, the Zen masturbator, I had to look into - Apparently you turn it inside out and rub those triangles on your penis, to simulate fucking the low-polygon 1990s Lara Croft. Technology today is amazing!

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Last year, the Riksforbundet For Sexuell Upplysning -- I believe that means "Sexual Applying For Rick's Bucket" -- came to the realization that nobody in Sweden had ever talked about female masturbation before, so there wasn't a word for it. So, now they're voting on what word to use when talking about ladies diddling themselves. The best candidates so far are "klittra", "pulla" and "selfa," thus eliminating three future product names at IKEA. Some of the words appear to come from website visitors, but you should know that Sweden already has a gender-neutral word for masturbation, called "onani", which, incidentally, is also not an IKEA product. This contest is for a female-specific term for masturbation, and if that helps Swedes find the little man in the boat, all the more power to them.

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Is masturbating with a plain-old hand not good enough? The Handie is here to help! Although most of the photos show it as a disembodied hand, the Handie is more than that: it's a rubber glove, ribbed for your pleasure, with a built-in vibe and lube repository, so you can whack off with the highest level of technology possible. They have a leftie version on the way, too, so if you want you can just get your female partner one of each! I'm not sure what the 'loops' at the bottom do, but I'm afraid to ask.

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Austria was up in arms when a video hit the internet showing a large-breasted woman masturbating in a church. It didn't take too long for the blasphemer to be identified - despite her face not being shown, churchgoers recognized her based on the size and shape of her breasts.

Now, the insinuation is that someone put two and two together, recognizing her unclothed boobs as the ones they've seen in the pews covered by a shirt, but this "Babsi" posts porn on the internet as the user Analbabsi, but, suuuure, Austrians, you recognized her "from Church," yeah, right.

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Tim Ferriss, productivity guru extraordinaire, is pushing the acronymnously-named NOBNOM. "Nob-nom" might sound like a cheeky name for fellatio, but it's actually quite the opposite: "no booze, no masturbation" is its goal, and if you follow that plan, you'll be more productive.

Now, I can see how booze can interfere with productivity, but if you're working Mr. Ferriss' four-hour-work-week, you clearly can't afford time for a rum-and-coke and a quick jerk to clear your mind.

All this absurdity - beyond the absurdity that a four-hour-work-week actually requires full-time attention - comes down to the question: why are we so scared of masturbation? It goes back a long way, that the self-abuse that releases sperm is reducing a man's verility. Not, so, says the article above: all this masturbation-hate can be traced back to one self-loathing person in 1712, who published a much-promoted pamphlet about how masturbation is destroying society.

The realization that masturbation isn't so bad isn't a new revelation, though; smart people have been disproving it for many years, like this excellent article from a 1945 "men's health" magazine:

"Therefore it is evident that if one does approve of masturbation, if one feels that a moderate amount of masturbation is not harmful, if one feels that there is good and sufficient reason for it, then there is no evidence that it will seriously injure health."

Basically, as pretty much the rules for every sexual fetish and practice, "if it ain't hurting anybody, go ahead and do it."

So, kids, don't listen to He-Man, he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

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Not too long ago, I brought you information on the Autoblow2. Brian Sloan, maker of the Autoblow2, saw my post and offered me a review sample of the new toy. How could I turn it down?

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I haven't seen Mike Judge's show, Silicon Valley, but apparently there was a joke about jacking off an entire room of people in it. In line with the geeky context of the show, Judge had really-real scientists, who apparently need more work if they found time for this, to optimize the mathematical prospect of undertaking such a goal.

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Wish you had an app on your iPhone that helped you masturbate? Well, too bad, pervert - Apple has rejected a female-friendly masturbation app because girls shouldn't do that or something. Somehow, apps which promote sexual health are just as bad as Redtube, so you can't have it. You'll have to stick with looking at static photos in your browser to get your sexual-health-on now.

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Betty Dodson is in her seventies and still teaching women how to diddle themselves. After writing "Sex For One" in 1973, she now runs Bodysex Workshops (site appears down) with her partner, Carlin Ross, teaching inexperienced humans how to use their funnest parts.

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Cosmo gets it: porn is like a Hitachi Magic Wand for guys. Since Sex in the City it has been chic for women to have a plastic, technologically advanced penis available for their slightest sexual whim, while the idea of a guy masturbating to porn is still seen as 'cheating'. Maturbating is fun, having sex is fun, one doesn't necessarily need to take away from the other, so let's all just relax and let the orgasms flow. Yay!

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Christians want you to know that porn addiction is like being a wounded soldier...self-love is a sign of a wounded soul, which is at least as bad as having your arm ripped off in an instant by an IED, leaving you bleeding in the street as bullets from guerilla AK47s wiz by, preventing help from getting any closer to you as the blood pools around your head. Totally the same thing. Note that one of the biggest issues they say at the beginning is that when Billy got addicted to porn, he stopped going to church. If this is your church's attitude towards soldiers, that the risks they put themselves through is comparable to wanking off with your laptop is in bed, I can see why Billy stopped going to your ignorant church.

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HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Here is a pilgrim lady masturbating in public. Enjoy.

First, a disclaimer: this is not me. Seriously. But, what is is proof of is to what extent guys do whatever a sexy girl tells him. A girl on reddit suggested a guy masturbate with Pilsbury biscuits, and the lonely pothead actually did it - while taking pictures. I hope his yeast infection goes well and at $2.50 a roll of bisquits he'll have spent enough to afford a Fleshlight in, like, two weeks, so I hope this got him laid somehow, otherwise it's probably not worth it.

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And this is why Jayde got kicked out of her "first drum session free" coupon. I think she was trying to get the rest of her drum lessons free, too, but she didn't realize how expensive those drumsticks are, and now she ruined them. Bad move, Jayde.

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The CW has edited a recent episode of Reign, because, in between the two sex scenes, a girl starts to masturbate, and that was too much. Sure, two people fuck right before that scene, and that scene leads into an extramarital sex scene, but -- WOAH -- she's touching her soft parts! So, while it's wise to edit a teen drama to exclude safe, disease- and pregnancy-free masturbation, be sure to include the part where the girl gets horny and fucks the first person to stop by. That's responsible editing. Dumb TV. So, here: watch some women touch each other, which is probably more OK than one woman touching herself for some stupid reason.

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NEWS FLASH: Michelle Bachmann, former Presidential candidate and all-around Conservative weirdo, has not - I repeat NOT - been masturbating. Here is the proof:

Strategy Group and its attorney then provided a notarized statement from employee Jorge Sosa, who said Elsass asked him last year to buy a specific head massager for the congresswoman. Elsass thought the gift might relieve Bachmann's headache.

Sosa said he bought the wrong model, one that an online product description shows is geared more toward use on ailing backs. After discovering his mistake, Sosa said, he purchased the correct head massager and returned the wrong one to Brookstone.

See, her staff didn't buy her a sex toy, they just bought her one personal massager, which didn't meet her needs, and then went back to buy another one, which in turn did meet Bachmann's needs. It was probably one of these, but I really, really like the image of Bachmann with a Hitachi Magic Wand in each hand, rubbing the vibrating balls against each of her temples, moaning in ecstasy.

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