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 Ever been having sex, and wonder what a baby would think? No? Too fucking bad, here's a chart that explains it all. Plus, in the interest of humor, the guy and the girl are both apparently virgins and/or are retarded, since they do sexing so horribly, horribly bad, which doesn't explain where the baby came from, maybe the dog brought it home from the park or something, I don't know. It's at least worth a mild chuckle when your expectations are lowered a bit, so there you go.
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Somebody has put together some statistics porn and mapped out the most common places Craigslist "Missed Connections" happen. It should be no surprise that the Bible Belt is dominated by Wal-Mart missed connections - what else fun is there to do there, especially since, generally, you can buy both liquor and guns at them, and aside from church where else do you go? Same goes for Utah: they go to college to find a mate, anywhere else is off-limits for romantic interests. Wisconsin, of course, is 'bar', because if you've ever driven through Milwaukee or Madison, it's gas station...bar... video rental place... bar... tax preparer... bar... Hey, that actually sounds alright, better than Utah anyway, and at least it's not any of these places.
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 Is there nothing more adorable than this? Two of my favorite things get put together, like peanut butter and chocolate, or Volkswagens with tank treads. Topless Girls Reading Books is a thing now, and it makes me sad that it took this long. Below, a young lady reads from Fargo Rock City - don't feel bad, honey, we all have that much trouble reading Chuck Klosterman, it's OK.
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 Digging through these old Easyriders is fun - you learn so much! I found the sextoy below in one of their 'recommended purchases', right below the beer-can sling you hang around your neck and a folding shotgun. An audio-controlled vibrator? That's awfully high-tech for the seventies; I didn't even know similar products still exist, updated for the iPod generation. One difference is (and the picture doesn't show it) that the 1970s version had a separate amp box, which doesn't sound too comfortable during practical use. I imagine that, a handy person could take out the low-powered amp it came with and put in a nice Mcintosh tube amp for rumblier lows. That's the thing with off-the-shelf audio equipment: it's always a good idea to replace the important parts with something a little more high-end.
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 I'm starting to upload content over at the revamped Peek-A-Boob site, and a while back Gracie bought a crate of old Easyriders magazines. Fipping through the fun user-submitted content (boy, bikers loved the swastika in the 70s, didn't they?) I found this lovely lady enjoying a sexy bubble bath. That hair must've made her hot shit at the time.
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 After 21 years of successful writing, Jessica Blair has retired - because somebody discovered she's actually an octegenerian World War II vet from England. Bill Spence didn't only publish as Jessica, but it might be more surprising that the guy from Great Britain also wrote Westerns; I'd bet he's more familiar with romance than the Wild West, so the pen name doesn't mean much. If he can pretend he knows about cattle drives and sixguns, I think he's more than qualified to write about sexytime and put a lady's name on it. That's how fiction works, doesn't it?
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 The Playboy company, after years of trying to fit into TV and internet adult entertainment molds, is turning back to its roots, trimming the fat and looking towards a lifestyle-mag format, which is exactly how the magazine started. Esquire, GQ, and even Maxim have been trying to ride on Playboy's coattails as a men's lifestyle magazine, and by heading back in that directly Playboy is going to have some competition for the audience, but they've got sixty years of experience behind them. They seem to be even looking in the right direction: the article says they have brought in experts to help them find their way in the world of free internet pornography. Playboy was never entirely about the photos; reading it 'for the articles' was always a genuine pleasure of having Playboy, and regaining that aura again will be awesome...if they can do it right.
 Someone has taken the time to chart ten thousand porn stars by a variety of statistics, and comes up with the fact that porn star women are pretty generically pretty: white, dark-haired, b-cup, 5'5". Can't complain about that. Some of the statistical data is a bit skewed: the "where pornstars are born" doesn't seem to weight based on population -- he's surprised that the west, with its very thin population density, produced very few pornstars? And, just the fact that he trusts truth from the online records - when the women's visible and quantifiable qualities are pretty close to the truth but the documented weights are a bit lower than the norm, that should be a sign, and when a porn star claims to be from LA rather than Butte Montana, it shouldn't be a surprise either. But, still, when it comes to actual movies, it becomes a bit surprising: anal is far more common in porn than reality, and female porn stars actually stick with the industry for a while before finding something else to do. Still, can't complain about some statistics porn, especially on something so easy on the eyes as real-life human porn.
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 When I'm not in my work boots, I'm usually cruising around town in my Chuck-Ts. I never really noticed that, since I was little, the style has changed a little, but in a move destined to appeal to old guys like me Converse is releasing new shoes in the old style, because if there's anything that needs patronizing it's the hipster market. Anyhow, my black Chucks are getting beat up; they always seem to tear around by the pinkie-toe these days, maybe the original design helped against that. I may have to pick up a pair soon.
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She had always wanted a claw-foot tub, but she never told him that it was because she had always fantasized about being fucked in a clawfoot tub. Their first night in the apartment, she told him she was going in for a bath. A few minutes later, she called his name. 
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 My old page showing boobs in a rack room has gotten linked by Reddit, which has pointed me to another example of IT staff with nice tits, selling rackspace in a former soviet nuclear bunker. Boobs? Boobs!
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Now that Pope Palpatine XIXVIIXX is resigning from his position at the Vatican, the Femen protestors stopped by to announce their pleasure regarding the event, and, I can only assume, have put down their names on the list of people willing to volunteer to be the next pope. The event is remarkable (aside for the naked boobies on hallowed ground) for the photo below, which adds hilarity to the insanity. This guy's gotta be on Ellen sometime next week, or her production assistants are missing a golden opportunity.
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 Today, RR Auctions starts taking bids on a bunch of Joey Ramone's stuff. It doesn't look like there's a lot of rare or awesome records, but these albums were owned by Joey Ramone which means these LPs have gotten more pussy than you ever had. If you want rare and cool, pick up his passport and give it to bouncers when they ask for your ID: I guarantee you won't be hassled. Between the glasses and the jackets and the shirts, you can trade in all your crappy old Nirvana and Soundgarden t-shirts and replace your entire wardrobe with stuff that smells like Joey Ramone.
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It's probably too late to buy for Valentine's Day, but over at Sexclectic you can buy the gift that keeps on giving: a kit to make a rubber duplicate of your penis. They're not that expensive, so buy several kits and have one for every day of the week - well, maybe 5 or 6 days of the week, you want her to use the real thing once in a while, right?
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Everyone seems to get their own day at Disneyland. R ecently, the goth/rivethead/stagehand/steampunk crowd got to go to Disney and sweat like a stupid fuck because it's still pretty warm and sunny there. The event is called Bats Day, and the video was apparently from Bats Day 2012, last May, but it's just getting online now, in order to give you plenty of time to get your tickets, rent a clown suit, and prepare plenty of fake indignation that nobody told you it was goth day at the park.
Because the movie Skyfall has a sexy shaving scene, in which a babe makes Bond's face baby smooth, Sales of straight-razors have gone up seven brazillion percent. I'm sure a lot of guys are going to try it once, cut themselves horribly, and put it on the shelf with the rest of their manscaping paraphernalia, but if you want to do it right: here's a good tutorial, and The Straight Razor Place will take care of you, too.
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 "OH! Hello, Mr. Thompson...I didn't know you'd be home so early! Dinner will still be another... uhn...half hour or so, because - ahhh - I'm not quite... mmmmm... done dicing the carrots.
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Muzak, the company that was built on orchestral versions of Firefall songs and 1950s crooner tunes, is trying to be cooler by changing its name. After spending decades to establish your business as the calming, soothing background sounds to the life of a mall, now you're going to throw it all away, Muzak? It's like Kleenex deciding it's tired of being associated with runny noses and wants to enter the teen-girl-clothing-market. Suck it up, Muzak, you do what you do so well, and even though my small-town grocery store now plays top-40 hits over its "muzak" system, you'll always have a soft spot in people's hearts.
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I became vaguely aware of Beats Audio when Jimmy Iovine showed up on American Idol with the Beats logo plastered all over everything he owned, and then Dr Dre showed up pimping Hewlett-Packard laptops with Beats inside. I didn't know much of it beyond a branding gimmick, but I learned a lot from this article. Beats were started by Monster? That explains a lot. My old 1980s Koss cans are still working nicely, but all you can find in stores these days are fashion headphones like Beats and Skullcandy for 2x the price of an entry-level set of audiophile headphones that sound twice as good. It's no wonder Monster wanted a part of that market - it's their bread and butter.
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Imagine that interview process. "Yo, dude, you like having sex? Wanna have sex all afternoon? How'd you like to fuck in a huge, loud machine while we take pictures of your insides while you're fucking?"
Who am I kidding, I'd sign up for that in a heartbeat.
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It's not often that you hear about male sex workers, let alone heterosexual sex workers, the kind hired by women to fuck. That is, other than the retarded men on Gigolos, but that should should at least give a clue that there's a market for women wanting to pay a hot man to fuck them and then leave. For a relatively honest and even-handed look at the world of male escorts, this article at the Good Men Project, which focuses on the reason women want the services of a professional fuck-buddy.
A sad day has come and gone: the Lingerie Football League, known for women grunting and colliding while wearing very little clothes, is no longer. Now, they have been reborn as the Legends Football league, who is interested in showing that the sport is serious and not all about the undies, by showing women grunting and colliding while wearing very little clothes. The queen is dead, long live the queen! Well, they do say that the "modified bras and panties" are going out, so they might be able to take the sexy out of the press releases, but muscular, shapely women are still part of the game. I don't hear anyone complaining much.
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This is what Superbowl commercials look like when made by Bizarro Crispin-Porter. Normally, to get buzz about your Superbowl commercial, you take something lame like domain name registration and add boobs, and that gets you kicked off TV. In Bizarroworld, you take a super-sexy product like porn, and tone it down with a pre-lemonparty gathering of old people...and then get kicked off TV. But, you can't blame them for trying. You can't unsexy commercials too far, otherwise they start to look like a Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial. There's no loss for Pornhub, though - it's not like there's any overlap in the audience for the NFL and the audience for pornography, is there?
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