Dildo Warning!
Don't piss off the guys who work in a Tractor Supply store. They hold a grudge apparently: months after an argument over an order, Tractor Supply workers wrote a message on a dildo and mailed it to the customer. After the confrontation, he was told "don't come back!", and apparently they didn't think the only way to make sure the message got across was with a fake penis. I never knew you could get a fake penis from Tractor Supply -- that makes things much simpler! Now I know what to buy next time I'm there to pick up welding rods and work gloves.
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Watch Them Pee!
The Shimmy Club in Glasgow, Scotland, has decided to install two-way mirrors in the girls' bathroom, because, why the fuck not? There's nothing sexier than women doing gross things when they think they're not being watched. Sure beats hanging out in an outhouse pit I guess. Me, I'd rather, you know, not watch a girl I've never met pee, and then try to have a conversation later. Usually that's done in reverse order, after being in a relationship for a while.
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Motherfucking Steak!
I don't even have a category for food, but I spent enough time reading the truth held within so I figured I better pass it on. This is how to cook a mutherfucking steak. I have to admit, I'm bad at leaving the steak out before cooking and naughty for buying cheap cuts, but other than that I think I've finally, after way too many years of overcooked eye of round, now do a pretty damn good steak.
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Reading Orgasm!
Similar to this - if you ever wanted to see what it was like to watch a woman struggle to do something intellectual while bring brought to orgasm, here's your chance: Clayton Cubitt has filmed sexy women trying to read a book out loud while sitting on a vibrator. Too bad they don't get very far; Clockwork Orange is one of my favorites.
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Hugest Penis In China!
The People's Daily, the best propaganda that China can produce, is building a new office building that might actually be Mechagodzilla's penis. But wait, you say, doesn't Mechagodzilla live in Japan? The article says it's still under construction, and everything is manufactured in China these days, you know. People should be worried less that the newspaper building looks like a giant penis, but that it actually IS the giant penis of an even larger robot buried under the ground around the construction site. They don't call building a building an "erection" for nothing.
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Von Teese Packard!
Star of Oddities and Professional Burlesque-Steamabilly-Whosit Dita Von Teese is selling her 1939 Packard 120 on eBay, probably because the miles are getting up there and it's about time to pick up a late-model 1941 Willys or something. The auction includes a variety of photos of little bits of the Packard with a Dita Von Teese standing in front of it. It's too bad, she's so photogenic but she can't find a real photographer. All the pictures are shifted green and vignetted around the edges, it's like they're using a Happy Meal camera from the 1980s. Maybe she's selling the car to afford photography lessons for a friend. You've got a couple hours to get your bid in.
Teacher Fired For Boobs!
So, let's say you're a sexy-as-hell teacher, and you're not attracted to your students? Well, just pose for "tasteful nudes", and people will go full-on ape-shit over your behavior as if you had fucked a student. I mean, really, I can't imagine Miss Sprauer did this without thinking about how it might affect her college-degreed career. Anyhow, that career is gone; she apparently has told the world she's quitting teaching to be a full-time model, because if there's one thing that's a lifetime career, it's topless modeling. I mean, seriously, who ever heard of a teacher retiring after fifty years on the job?
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Bea Arthur Naked!
Get your ass down to Christie's tonight: the ever-famous Bea Arthur Naked, by John Currin, is up for sale. I seriously thought this was a b3ta creation for so many years, I never knew it was a serious work of art. Well, serious is subjective when it comes to modern art.
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LinkedIn Whores!
LinkedIn has apparently changed its user agreement to include this bit of magic:
i. Even if it is legal where you are located, create profiles or provide content that promotes escort services or prostitution.
You know, for years I've been blowing off the LinkedIn requests that everyone sends me -- and only now I find out you can find a hooker on LinkedIn. They even had a whole freakin' category for it, which I assume is going to disappear soon, although I suppose guys like Nathan Dayler, Training Constable at Toronto Police Service, is going to keep that title despite the number of inappropriate emails he gets. In fact, everyone I can see in the "Prostitution" category seems to be rather anti-prostitution, so, LinkedIn, have you ever thought about just changing your category names? It's like having a "Obesity" category full of Ben & Jerry's flavor designers. Just a little misleading. I guess I'll have to stick to finding my prostitutes on Monster.com.
Guccione's Storage Locker!
Barry from Storage Wars must be rolling over in his grave over losing out on this storage unit. Bob Guccione kept all his cool stuff in a storage locker, which apparently includes outtakes from Caligula, enough nude amateurs to choke a horse, and naked photos of Arnold Schwarzenegger. When I've gone to storage unit auctions, they're just full of kids clothes and garbage. Well, and porn, but not Guccione's private stash, which makes everything else pale by comparison.
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Shower Fucking Best!
The website UKBathrooms.com did a poll and found that - surprise! - people fuck in the bathroom a lot. Who new a bathroom-sourced poll would have such bathroomy results? Anyhow, fuck yeah, boning in the shower is obviously just about as awesome as in bed. I mean, duh, I'm almost offended that anyone even had to ask the question, let alone British plumbers.
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Bands Are Sexy!
As a psychological experiment, a team of researchers sent a sexy guy out into public to pick up girls, first carrying nothing, then carrying a dufflebag, then carrying a guitar. To the surprise of no Jukebox Heroes whatsoever, the guitar guy got more digits than anyone else. That's why I carry my lunch in a guitar case. You never know when someone sexy might be judging you for what you're carrying.
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Boob Hypnosis!
Felix Economakis, clinical psychologist who has participated in vetted and peer-reviewed media such as "Freaky Eaters" and "The Panic Room", has made a bold new claim: using nothing but hypnosis, he can make boobs grow. Economakis believes he can talk directly to the hormone parts of the woman's body and command it to release boob-growing goo. This is all because -- in his words -- the "brain usually keeps a woman's breast from growing." Seriously, ladies: Mr. Economakis wants you to know that, if you're dissatisfied with your breasts, it's all in your head, which isn't exactly the way he put it, but is more true than blaming women's stress levels for breast size. That's crazy. At least Economakis' technique is less destructive than implants or fat injections, because it's less sad to hypnotize a woman into thinking her breasts are bigger than to placate her poor self image with surgery. And now, a video of Mr. Economakis' technique in action:
Alien Cathouse!
As if you really needed to hire a geek prostitute, you could always go to the Alien Cathouse in Nevada. Marvel at their 1997-era graphics! Amaze at their purple blow-up dolls and heavily-tattooed sex workers! Actually, that last one sounds pretty awesome. I'm not entirely sure what the 'alien experience' is there, the website makes it look sorta like a nice, clean brothel (which is a plus, of course), but I'd like to see more 'alien' in their entertainment selections.
Nerdy Hookers!
A hundred and fifty years ago, prostitutes flocked to the Bay Area because there were a lot of sweaty rich men around there and few women. That was the gold rush, but today a different kind of gold rush is happening: sex workers are setting up shop in Silicon Valley, to service all the young, single men getting rich writing apps. Apparently all it takes is wearing geeky t-shirts to play yourself as a nerdy hooker, but, really, they should learn some Ruby on Rails before jumping into such a high-tech career.
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Porn: Doesn't Affect Sex!
A study in the Netherlands has discovered that porn doesn't make people have sex. It's almost like people have weird, wild, and kinky sex because they like it and are biologically designed to fuck. All lies: my church told me that people have to be tricked into having sex before marriage. It's so sad that facts have to get in the way of moral outrage. So, all you's out there who are worried that porn is messing you up: don't worry, you're no more messed up than porn-watchers in Amsterdam. 
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Thank God And Mom!
Sophia Vergara's mom did the universe a favor and told the busty actress that it would piss God off if she got a breast reduction. Thank you, Mrs. Vergara, for making sure the world is a place where we can all enjoy Sophia's finest assets, as pictured below, but unrelated to the Dr. Oz interview where she talks about it.
