Yeti Cocksucker!
I'm sure there's times that people have been out skiing, on a nice sunny spring morning, the snow is fresh and the hills are nicely groomed, and you're feeling alright, and then this yeti shows up. And you're like, 'hey, Yeti, it's a nice day, isn't it?" and the yeti is all "SUCK MY COCK GOD DAMN IT", and since it's such a nice day you decide, hey, I'll suck that Yeti's cock. Makes you wish you were a yeti sometimes, doesn't it.
Penis Gun!
People on Etsy are fucking crazy. They can make the weirdest shit into the weirdest other shit, and people pay money for it. Just look at this gallery of penisified sex toys available at Etsy. Yes, that cigar really is marketed as a dildo. In fact, a quick search for the word 'dildo' on Etsy gets a BUNCH of results. The number of sexually frustrated people on Etsy must be enormous, but I probably could have figured that out anyways if I thought about it long enough.
Via. Plus, it seems this week is turning into toy week here at RBT. It's still Masturbation Month for a couple days anyways!
Wank Machine!
Not content with men jacking off in small rooms, China has developed the cutting-edge technology for collecting semen samples in a controlled way: The wank machine. That's just what I'm calling it, I don't know what the official name is. You stick your dick into this space-age shaped thing, and - voila - it makes you cum. Oh, no, it's not naughty: this is a medical device, built to exacting specifications! I'm sure nobody will figure out how to make it a coin-operated machine to be found in truck stops and massage parlors. That would make too much fucking sense. Looking at the picture below, I wonder what all the knobs are for. The space-age shapes and the brushed aluminum knobs make it look like something from the liner notes of a Styx album. HOLY SHIT KID, DON'T STICK YOUR FINGER IN THERE!
Erotic Homer!
Sorry, I know you were hoping, but this isn't that shitty Simpsons erotica that apparently is the only thing adult sites advertise these days. I see those ads everywhere. No, this is an actual real artist who has painted Homer Simpson in some R-rated shenanigans with somebody who isn't from the Simpson's universe. Think about it: a somewhat normal looking person must look like an alien to those overbite-plagued, yellow-skinned wierdos. Add stilletto heels, stockings, and sunglasses, and it makes you wonder what Homer really sees in her. It borders on creepy. Even more when you realize that's probably Anna Wintour. Still not as creepy as most Simpsons porn, but still.
Sex Hotel!
As if most hotels aren't also fuck-hotels, this one takes their position as a love grotto quite seriously. The Venus Garden provides toys, environments, and even instruction on how to get your fuck on. Oh, no, don't get all orgyish about it - it's about love, not just sex. Those crafty Swedish, making hotel sex something pure and wholesome.
Dildo of the Day!
Usually, in my world, the Dildo of the Day is the biggest dumbass I encounter each day during my path through life, but it turns out that there's a more productive daily dildo. The Dildo of the Day Store offers daily specials on dildos, giving you a chance to buy random penis surrogates at a reasonable price. If there's one thing I've always been saying to Gracie, it's that Woot doesn't have enough rubber cocks. It's always nice when somebody fills a void. With a dildo. So to speak. Via.
Astronauts Love Vettes!
Alan Shepard was given a 1962 Corvette for being the first man in space, and astronauts have driven them ever since. The tradition lasts all the way into future centuries, because Captain James T Kirk even drives one. Motherfucking hamsters love your car? Jesus christ. These guys went into space, they should know a little something about proper vehicles.
Nitroglycerine Condom!
Here you go, limpy: a condom with an erection-sustaining paste, so that while the condom may reduce a little sensitivity, your cock is gonna stay nice and hard. The active ingredient is trademarked Zanifil, but theactive ingredient is glyceryl trinitrate. Yes, it's motherfucking nitroglycerine. If Mr. Nobel knew that his favorite explosive would be giving women orgasms left and right, the past recipients of the Nobel Prize would be far boobier than they actually have been. Thanks, modern prophylactic science, for making my penis' nickname, "Boom Goes The Dynamite", a little more true with every passing day.
Erotic Photo Dos and Don'ts!
I'm not completely sure if this is all satire or not. Lola Byrd of Peeperz has compiled a list of 'how to take artsy nudes', which is laid out kinda like last week's alt-girl takedown, but the photos are still pleasantly artsy. So, take it with a grain of salt the next time you get out the camera. Sure, it may get all Metarty, but is being that derivative really where you want to go?
Bony Dude Looks Girly!
So, the guy in the photo below gets his hair did, which looks to some like George Washington bedhead, but to others like a women's hairstyle. This photo has, however, confused the penises of booksellers and magazine stands, who want the cover covered-up for being too sexy. The problem isn't that guy's bony torso, but that our fucked-up culture has made tiny-breasted bony torsos a major feature of sexy women. If we didn't keep paying bony chicks to take their clothes off, this wouldn't be a problem at all.
The Opposite Sex Wants!
The most reliable source in the universe, Twitter, has come up with a meme to make everybody the greatest lover ever known to man: #thingsboyswantgirlstodo and #thingsgirlswantboystodo. It would seem that the only people available to write these tweets are the people who write sitcom spec scripts. All the 'girls want boys' posts are about spooning and love and shopping - with the obvious exception of requesting more oral sex, which figures prominently. The 'guys want girls' tweets are about more lingerie, not shopping, not being so fucking lovey-duvey, and, - of course - perform more oral sex. So, the takeaway here is that everybody wants more oral sex. Thanks, Twitter!
No Divorce Nookie!
Sorry, Bostonians: if you're in the middle of a divorce, don't plan on fucking anybody at home. The new law prohibits two consenting people from having sex in the divorcee's home, under a "won't somebody think of the children!" motive. From what I understand, divorce turns people into assholes, so you can bet the only use for this law is for one side in the divorce to totally fuck up the other side's chances of having a reasonable and cooperative divorce. Seriously, if you could turn a cheating ex, even after you've broken up, in to the police for fucking somebody else, wouldn't you? Even better, the article cites that it is designed to "prevent domestic violence", because if you left your husband because he was a controlling, jealous abuser, he'd never call the cops to accuse you of fucking some other guy. Abusers totally become reasonable when you break up with them, right, ladies? It's sure a good thing our duly-elected politicians are working on the economy, isn't it.
Smart Chick Prostitutes!
WHAT?!?? Somebody has actually had the audacity to say that sometimes, even educated women become prostitutes because they money's so good. It's almost like prostitution isn't all about pimp canes and latenight drug beatings. The article does make the distinction, however, that these educated ladies of the evening head for the high-end escort market, while the coerced and beaten women are the streetwalkers. You know what would be nice? If somebody, y'know, actually used this information to do something of value for sex workers, but that's asking for a lot from our politicians. They've got the economy to worry about, it's not like they're making sweeping freedom-destroying reproductive and sexual health laws or anything.
Donkey Penis Movie!
Leave it to Hong Kong. They've put all of the best parts of the Asian film market into one feature film: action, adventure, 3D techniques, historical drama, and a man with a donkey's penis attached to his groin. Apparently, if Wikipedia is to be trusted, it's an adaptation of an old story, making Chinese folk tales the awesomest in the world. The opening of 3D Sex and Zen beat the highest film opening ever: Avatar, which should remind people that the only way to beat giant blue catpeople is with a giant donkey cock. Yes, I totally expect Google results to come in for "beat giant catpeople donkey cock", which totally makes the world a better place. Official site is here, and there's lots of YouTube stuff, too.
Naked Gardening!
I hope it's purely coincidence that National Masturbation Month coincides with World Naked Gardening Day, which just happens to be today. Because the last time I masturbated in my back yard, it did not turn out the way I expected. So many screaming people, all at once. Anyhow, nudists garden like that all the time, so here's your chance to try it out, hoe around, plant your seed, plow that rut - dammit, it all sounds like sex anyway. Enjoy yourself anyhow.
Masturbation May!
WOOHOO - May is National Masturbation Month! It harkens back to the fateful moment when Surgeon General Elders made it sound like masturbation was OK, and was thus encouraged to resign. Stupid conservative fucks. We all know, as Elders does, that masturbation totally fucking rocks and doesn't seriously mess anything up. So go for it, masturbating masses, it's now your time to stand up and be counted as somebody who diddles themselves and enjoys the fuck out of it. Excelsior!
Look Sexy In Lingerie!
Cosmopolitan, genius of all things sexual, has tips on how to look sexy in lingerie. Here's the one and only thing you need to know ladies: First, you put on lingerie, then you show us that you're wearing lingerie, then you take it off in front of us, and then whatever happens next happens. End of story. Seriously, that's about it. "Exercise the night before" is about the most productive of their paltry three ideas, but, hey, if you're regularly exercising the night before everything, you're probably doing a pretty good job on keeping in shape and are confident about your looks anyhow. Confidence that we want to see you in lingerie is important, and believe you me, if you're having sex with a guy, he'd like to see you in lingerie from time to time. It's hot, don't paint yourself with bronzer to get some weird 'look' that you think we want.
Nightmare Masturbator!
Rounding out the concept of nightmare masturbators (previously), here's one right out of a Lovecraftian hell-hole. This repulsive, anomalous, blubbery, numbing globe...this webbed, wan rheum...this four-way masturbator looks like a shoggoth appendage, full of teeth everywhich way you'd hope to stick your dick into it. Even though it is clearly teethless, I'd fear for the total annihilation of any sanity that I hope to retain after depositing my seed into such an unimaginable, polypous ichor. It's not just a three-way pussy; unholy scientific experimentation has developed this into an object with pussies from various ages, simultaneously existing as maiden, mother and crone. The asshole stays the same throughout life, apparently, or else we'd have a Lovecraftian thing with not only three pussies, but three anuses as well. I'm beginning to lose touch with reality just imagining such a zymotic blasphemy of a gelatinous vulva. Found at Sex-Kitten, of course.
China Knuckles!
Although these are gorgeous, I don't think they can be used for their normal purpose. All you're asking for are porcelain shards to be driven into your hand. Unless you're punching kittens, because then you wouldn't be hitting so hard, because, really, who would punch a kitten as hard as they could? Nobody, that's who.
Date A Stripper!
As if it wasn't fucking obvious enough, DJ Mick wants y'all to date strippers. Whoever wrote this is kind of a dick, since they promote all the "Daddy Issues" and "Stripper = Crazy" bullshit, because the purpose of finding a girlfriend is to avoid all that. Crazy chicks with daddy issues do not inherently equal good sex and are found everywhere, so use your smarts when looking for a date. Find a stripper who's cool and then you get the best of both worlds. Then, her real boyfriend will probably kick your tit-obsessed ass to the curb, but, hey, at least you tried.
Bathing Autumn!
She poked her toes up out of the bubbles, her cute toenail polish glistening in the wetness. "You already had your bath today, you'll get all wrinkly," she laughed. I was already half undressed by then, and she smiled as the most important part of this bath got less and less wrinkly as it got harder. She sat up in the tub to leave me room, and said, "you know, we're both going to get wrinkly if this is where this bath is going..."
Boob Car Crash!
The one way I know to get the attention of an assured 50% of the viewing audience is to show boobs. Sure, I have no idea what they're advertising, especially since it appears to be some Russian thing, but, hey - BOOBS! And, technically, this throws in the second-most important thing to attracting guy eyes: car crashes. Boobs and car crashes, all in thirty seconds - Burger King needs to hire whatever ad agency made this video, they'll totally win all the Addy awards again.
Freaky Shoe Face!
I hate tennis shoe bloggers. There's a zillion of them, and their posts fill up my RSS reader because fashion bloggers love a constant stream of clothes shit. As a proper gentleman, I have three pairs of footwear: steel-toed Thinsulate boots for work, a nice pair of dress shoes, and my Converse All Stars. So, it entertains me to no end that there's a guy who shreds all those fancy-shmancy trainers and makes freaky shit out of their parts. Way to go, Mr. Repurposed Materials Artist!
Alt Girl Donts!
The photo below is my only exception to the top 5 alt-girl cliche list, because it's just so damn sexy. The rest - fake suicide, steampunk lite, snorting candy - are all destined to be a wtf someday. The Alt Girls are hardly to blame, though: somebody had to take that picture. One of the biggest skills a photographer has to learn is to say, "no, honey, you look retarded."
Via.
Bring Me Her Head!
I am not a fan of sex with disembodied person-parts (although I guess I should rethink what exactly a dildo is), so buying a pornstar's head to fuck is kinda screwy. Bree Olson - one of Charlie Sheen's high-end sex toys - submitted to having a cast made of her head, so it could me molded in cyberskin and sold for men to stick their penises into. Well, not the whole head, just the front part, so it looks like a horrible industrial accident occurred during filming. Faces usually have their eyes wrong, but they're definitely messed up here - don't they know that she's supposed to be looking up? Straight ahead is kinda weird, like you're face-fucking a sexy robot or something.
Caption for the above photo:
*removing mask* So you see, Mr. Bond, the existence of your busty assistant, Sucky McCocklover, was all a ruse - it was me, your evil enemy, the whole time! Want one of your own? Sexclectic has them, and their sample photos are just as creepy. Via.
