Dolly Rockers?
Eh, I spent a few minutes watching their video, and I'd fuck 'em if I had a chance, which makes them link-worthy. Sure, they can't sing for shit, and can't dance for shit, but they chant in a sorts sexy way and they stick their ass out seductively, so that goes quite a ways in pop music. Apparently, they're British (hence the unintelligible accent during the non-singing), which gives them sexy points in and of itself. So, my vote: sexy. And that's about it.
Explained: Stupid GF Comments!
You know when you're having sex, and your partner says something so fucking stupid and cliched that you roll your eyes, which makes her mad instead of whatever she was thinking when she said the stupid thing? Coed has a translation schedule, so you can avoid the eyeroll and annoyed naked woman experience. The only problem is: understanding what she's saying will only encourage them to continue stupid crap, like '-shizzle' speak, Cockey rhyming slang, or "Mountain Dew" spelled "MtnDew". Keep eye-rolling, guys, but when she starts to show annoyance, say, "no, I know what you meant, I just think it's a stupid thing to say." Honesty works, guys!
Porn = Spa Day!
Watching porn is like a spa day all rolled into thirty seconds, says the Today Show's sex expert. He gets to relax, somebody touches him, and there's a relieving release somewhere in there, which is pretty much like what happens at a spa, right? And - best of all - it doesn't cost a hundred and twenty bucks. That'll last him a couple months of camgirl access, so, remember, ladies: his taste for boobs isn't about sex: it's relaxation.
Mirror Neurons Are Hot!
You know what turns you on at the strip club and while watching porn? Mirror neurons. Your brain goes into anticipating and remembering how sex happens, but no sex actually happens, so you look at more porn, continuing to remember how sex happens, making your brain actually go through the motions of sex, until you've made a mess in your boxers. Oh, yeah: mirror neurons are also involved in how you learn to play piano and ride a bike, but if there's ever been proof of a God, it's the ability to trick mirror neurons into having sex and masturbating while you're doing it. It's like Disneyland and every illegal drug mixed into one, and you're made that way.
Snuggie Sutra!
Finally, wearing a robe backwards is good for something other than a court appearance! The Snuggie Sutra (alternate title by me: The Joy of Slanket) uses simple stick figures to show just how fucking in a Snuggie can be far, far more complicated than it needs to be. It's clearly tongue-in-cheek, so don't get any ideas: all we fucking need is for somebody to injure themselves, and they'll start issuing warnings that Snuggies are to be worn by only one person at a time, which has to be the stupidest sentence ever in the english language. (Via)
Who To Fuck At Reunion!
I might have to change that title: I mean school reunion, not family reunion, you sick fuck. After yesterday's Whip it Out Comedy list, I found another one for them, so if I keep digging, I might find that family reunion one eventually. This list: who to fuck at your high school reunion! It's so easy! I'm totally sure your ex girlfriend will have totally forgotten how mean you were, and be ready to fuck you again after all these years, because you're hotter than ever before. The most likely ones: your own spouse (unless she catches you flirting with your exes), and That Girl Who Found You On Facebook. Quick quiz: which one will require you to have a couple hundred bucks in cash on you? I like the "Reunion Organizer" one, if only because she was probably the unattainable, attractive, rich girl who was so totally out of your league, and now you might actually have a chance, Mr. No-More-Braces and Haven't-Touched-A-Clarinet-In-Years. Don't forget: you haven't seen these people in ten years, won't ever have to see them again, so burn some bridges: nothing's better than bridge-burning sex.
Smartcar Biker!
Finally, a smart car can look like it's not some crappy plastic go-cart: paint it up like a sexy motorcycle. Take that busty leather babe out for a night on the town, and just remind her: hey, it looks like they're riding a motorcycle, isn't that just as cool? 
Fancy Butt Eyes!
If you've ever wished a woman's ass would look back at you, you're in luck! A "scraggly-bearded grandpa" has designed pants that wink when she walks. It's more of a "damn, her pants are ill-fitting and wrinkle funny when she walks" put to good use, and, I mean, I can't complain about having an excuse to admire a woman's posterior. They also have movie-scene things, owls, and a lion, in case you really need an obnoxious way to attract attention with your butt.
Best Places to Get Laid!
Fire up your time machine, Mr. Peabody: time to go get laid! Whip it out Comedy has done extensive research, and determined the 10 best places to get laid of all time, including Ancient Rome, Plato's Retreat, Woodstock, and your mom's bedroom. They didn't do that last one, but judging from the quality of their humor, it would have been if they couldn't come up with more than 9 smart answers.
Evelyn's Wet Hair
Her soaking hair stuck to the sides of her face, long enough to drape onto her massive, glistening breasts, rivulets of water running from the tips of the tresses. The bubbles slowly slid down her body, revealing the curve of her clevage, the darker skin of her erect nipples, the smooth flesh around her navel. "What are you looking at? Just get in - you look cold," she says, sliding back to make room in the steaming water for one lucky guest.
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Burlesque: Not X Rated!
See, that's what this modern conservatism is coming to: provocative now equals pornographic? What the fuck, people? Burlesque struggles with being treated as porn's readheaded stepsister, when in fact they live next door and only kinda know their neighbors but don't visit ever. This I did not know: a burlesque dancer had to sue, because promotional material for her dance course refers to her as a 'porn star' - probably to titillate and sell more - but, well, nobody thought that labelling a non-nude, non-hardcore person a "porn star" would be damaging, apparently.
What Turns On Women?
What really turns women on?, asks the Daily Mail - who used up all the space on the internet trying to explain. Sorry, nothing else will fit on the internet: women's libido filled the rest in. The answer: lots of things affect a women's sex drive, and there's no one way to "fix" it, although "fixing" it might not be the best attitude, and there's a whole industry devoted to making women feel more sexually satisfied, so something must work, right? The female sexual psyche was never more clear to me: thanks, Daily Mail! The best thing to take away from the article: "sometimes giving a woman a hormone shot will boost her libido. But, more often, giving her a compliment will have the same affect."
Oral Sex How-To!
Men's Health has expanded a bit, providing some sexual relief to the women intimate with their Healthy Men's. Oral Sex is Licked!, they declare, offering a handful of alternate positions, some of which I hadn't really thought of before. My first thought: damn, the upper body strength needed for some of those is pretty high; I should subscribe to Men's Health and learn how to bulk up a little. Nobody was ever hurt by some mad cunnilingus skillz, though. Except for that guy with the broken neck due to the hovering butterfly.
24 Sex Kinds!
Ever felt the need to qualify your sexual encounters with a brief title and generic synopsis? The Frisky has the list of 24 kinds of sex for you! Make-up sex, break-up sex, a nooner, a "you bought me dinner, so I put out" - wait, what? The Frisky is advocating fucking a guy because he spent a lot on dinner? And sex while crying? And drunken sex where "...you're way sedated and can't get off, so you just pass out." I'm all for owning the bad sex, the pity and reckless sex, but now that expensive-date-sex and she's-passed-out sex are on the list, being an asshole just got you more laid then ever before, gentlemen!
No Tastee Diner Lady Love!
Sorry, lesbians: the Tastee Diner will have none of your loving displays of affection! Two women were ejected from the restaurant for hugging, and in response the LGBT community a "kiss-in", otherwise known as "holy fuck, that's hot". The response has been tremendous, mostly because part of the accusation was that one lesbian was burying her head between the other's breasts - no, witnesses say, there was no breast-burying, because who could take their eyes off such a beautiful sight????
TwittSex!
Because everything's better when you replace a syllable with "sex", TwittSex is the newest hot sex-based ripoff. It's gonna be as awesome as Twitter, with APIs and shit, and it's gonna draw spammers like flies on crap, so it's got that going for it. I mean, come on, like there needs to be a sex-based Twitter. Isn't that how AOL chat rooms worked? A short, incomprehensible statement about sex, then a bunch of idiots responding with their own short, incomprehensible statements? I recently read that kids aren't using Twitter - they've got texting - so it's the older set Twitting around. Prepare to find your hot TwittSex isn't responding because she just had to run and pick up her kids before her husband gets home from work.
Office Crushes: OK!
Got a little crush on that hot secretary at the front desk in your office? You're justified in your crush, says HR experts, who think it's all natural to wish to cram your dick into her pussy while she bends over the filing cabinet and cum all over those silk panties you caught a glimpse of when she was getting out of her car this morning. Oh, no, don't actually do it - that'll fuck up your life something fierce - but take a few seconds and appreciate that feeling. Then go furiously masturbate in the office restroom.
Ex-Gay: Not Heterosexual!
Sorry, all you ex-gayers out there: PFOX, your advocacy group, has successfully argued to the D.C. Supreme Court (otherwise known as "Not The Nation's Supreme Court, but Down The Street") that formerly-gay people aren't heterosexual enough to be considered heterosexual, so they deserve their own sexual minority category. Oh, no, you're not GLBT, not by a long shot: you're just not normal by conservative heterosexual standards, not normal enough to be considered an average, everyday 'majority' American under current minority protection laws. No, all your work to stop the gay isn't enough to stop you from being a sexual minority - you're still one, just one more acceptable to the Right Wing. Oh, wait, what? The DCSC docket says PFOX lost? Apparently PFOX is excellent at talking themselves into believing untrue things, and if they yell those untrue things loud enough, enough sympathizers will defend their imagined "truth" for them. So, at least according to the DC Supreme Court, you're normal, ex-fags, so go back to looking at all these naked women, above and below this post, your stomach churning every so slightly and Jesus forcing that limp erection out.
High Line Peepshow!
The New York City High Line, a former railroad bridge that has been converted into a public park above street level, has one unintended perk: you can see right into the windows of nearby buildings, letting parkgoers watch people masturbate, bounce naked on trampolines, and film porn. The main culprit, at least according to the Post, is The Standard hotel, who has been using "sex sells" techniques to get customers - and fill the streets outside with cheering people watching some fat guy fuck a coked-up hooker in front of a window. Ah, New York, no matter how you try to clean yourself up, you'll always be that same fucked-up city you were in the 1970s.
Savage Love TV!
A new TV show is in the works, based on Dan Savage's sex advice column, Savage Love. Hooray - we can watch a rude gay man tell stupid idiots how to handle their damaged relationships! Oh, wait - I thought Dr. Drew already had a TV show or two. You'd think that doing a TV show about a blog or nonfiction advice program would suck, but, hey, Jules and Julia is doing OK in the theatres. On the other hand - you know where Savage needs a job? The View. He'll kick some ass, take some names, and enjoy the humiliating experience of having Barbara Walters drink him under the table in a competition reminiscent of the Nepal scene in Raiders. Advertisers would fucking go nuts.
Porn + Condoms!
AIDS organizations, California's OSHA, and others are pressuring the porn industry to wear condoms. No Way, Jose', says the porn industry, if only because Jose' is the guy with the twelve-inch dick ready for his deep-throat scene. Why not? People don't want to see porn stars wearing condoms, according to the pornographers themsleves, which I totally don't agree with. I've seen porn made with everyone wearing condoms (interestingly, they magically appear before insertion and disappear before the facial, but if anything porn is known for its scene-cut efficiency), but I have yet to think, "ick, they're wearing a condom?" Get over yourselves, porn industry: if a condom is the thing that puts viewers off your shitty wham-bam-thankyou-mam films, you're focus on integrity of your art is sorely mistaken.
Flower Farter Four!
Oh, how asses and flower arranging go together. I believe that mastery of flower arranging can only come once you can use your anus to make a wedding corsage. At least there's plenty of people practicing such talents:
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MRI Sex!
A scientist, interested in researching the human body during sexual intercourse, put a couple in an MRI machine and filmed them "doing it". When they were done, the stills were assembled into a video, which shows - DAMN - a guy's dick really pushes everything around inside her. So, guys, be careful: you don't know just how much that huge cock of yours is doing to your lover's internal organs. It's kinda gross.
Furverts!
Have you ever really thought about Furries? I mean, not just sports mascots, but the Furries that believe they're really animals and have sex in costume? No, really, have you ever spent days just watching videos online and pictures in message areas and subscribing to furry porn sites and masturba-er, taking notes furiously? Now, you can have it in book form! Furverts is the furry kama sutra of sorts, a picture book of furries in sexual positions. Not only will it let you look at furry sex, it'll be something new for your bookshelf besides all those Dragonlance books from college. Read something new, dork: start with Furverts.
Vibrators: Good And Bad!
First, we have DeadDog's recommendation that a vibrator is better than a man: it lasts as long as you do, it's not an asshole, it doesn't mount jet engines on cars. Reasonable, well thought out arguments, what does the other side say? The vibrator doesn't kiss or cuddle. For cryin' out loud, can't we have something good at everything? The reason vibrators aren't everything a person needs: we'd never leave the house.
Kiera's Boobs Are Fake!
Kiera Knightley's boobs have garnered attention yet again. Usually somewhat petite and demure, she could (and I believe in Pirates of the Carribean, did) pass for a boy when dressed right. So take a look at these big babies below - "Photoshop!" are the cries of those who pay attention to Knightley's breasts, because they looked at the pixels and have seen a few 'shops in their time. "I've long dreamed of holding those fair bosoms in my hands, and the photo is nothing like my imagination produces!" Certainly, Knightley's breasts do look much bigger than usual, but I haven't seen them naked before, either. The ad doesn't make them all that big, either; under baggy clothes and without a push-up bra, they'd be unnoticeable, too. Here, let me just review that image again, I'll just stare at it a little longer, pondering important things... 
Tourist Porn Trap!
German tourists having a good time on the Spanish Mediterranean of Mallorca are being trapped and forced to be sexually exploited against their will. Videos of tourists having sex are being posted online, horribly using these poor tourists' bodies, who are just trying to enjoy themselves. All they have to do is force the tourists to have sex on camera by offering a sexy woman and the opportunity for public sexual intercourse. Yes, these men voluntarily get up on stage, in a crowd of hundreds, and fuck a sexy woman - and then complain that somebody posted them to PornTube. Rule #1 of not being an inadvertent porn star: don't have sex in public. Rule #2: if you do have sex in public and get filmed, you're not the exploited one; you got exactly what you wanted, to fuck somebody while everyone watched. One of these "abused" men said, "I wanted to try something new, but my one bit me. It was painful rather than pleasurable." Dude, that pain isn't an internet video: it's gonorrhea. You should have that checked out. Not from the woman in the video, no, but you probably didn't just stop at fucking one young Spanish lady in Mallorca, did you?
Gobstopper Death Metal!
When hosting a hardcore speed-metal concert, you should know one thing: do not sell projectiles at the concert. The band Cradle of Filth was tragically taken out by a volley of Everlasting Gobstoppers, a hugely solid piece of candy the size of a "cricket ball", whatever the fuck that is. The lead singer said: "I actually thought one of the balls thrown was an apple and was going to head-butt it as it flew past my head..." Sadly, he didn't hit it, thus preventing the world from seeing what would have been the awesomest YouTube video ever. One band member was hit in the back, but was inspected for damaged and released to rock again.
Worst Male Products!
Holy fuck: you mean those ads in the back of True and Knight are real? The Art of Manliness takes on the role of Consumer Reports and lists the worst products for men ever created. I assume they did rigorous tests, because why would we still have an ass-insertable prostate vibrator if it didn't work great? However, I am absolutely certain they only reviewed these products based on the ad itself: that squirrel lamp is the awesomest thing in the fucking world. My house is full of those god-damned things, and what the ad doesn't tell you is that Michael's has a whole aisle of doll crap for you to dress your squirrel differently each time you make one. Mine are reenacting the assassination of William McKinley, and it is the best squirrel diorama I have ever seen. And it lights up. So fuck you, Art of Manliness, your yardstick of awesomeness sucks.
7.5% Porn!
Analysis of the Dallas library system shows that seven and a half percent of all traffic is porn. That's around one out of 15 clicks, which, come on, for Dallas is probably a small number. Maybe those homeless guys have figured out how to use seven proxies so that they can look at boobs on the public computers without setting off any warnings. Not that Dallas has any anti-porn software: the analysis comes because they want to find out if they need to install porn-blocking software. Personally, I say they put a cop on-site, and anyone looking at porn in a way that you can see it over their shoulder gets arrested for public indecency - solves the homeless problem in the library, teaches people that, hey, boobs on the library computer might be a bad thing, and - fuck - get some people to go read some god-damned books rather than wasting their time on the public PCs. If you want to look at porn in public, that's what your internet-enabled cellphone is for.
Dissolving Bikini!
You've probably heard about the so-called dissolving bikini. Well, somebody has tested it out, and it actually sorta works. It doesn't look like it "dissolves", exactly - no *poof*, bikini gone - but it does fall apart pretty quickly once it gets wet. Bonus: a couple minutes of sexy tits under water. Personally, I think I should sue: I had exactly this idea when I was 14 years old. (via)
Women Like Threesomes!
Women love threesomes - at least according to benaughty.com's recent survey. Don't get your wickets in a dander yet, guys: the actual question addressed "being naughty with two members of the opposite sex" - so that's one gal, two guys, men. Guys, on the other hand, were mixed between two women, or just any old stranger off the internet. The women's response is intriguing, though - why is two that much hotter than one? Most men will agree that it's tough enough to convince a woman to play with just one dick at a time. Maybe it's cooperation that helps get the girl in the mood! Teamwork, guys...teamwork.
Bath Best Friends!
You two fine women seem to be such good friends: you go to the store together, do laundry together...oh, my. This bathing together seems a bit more "familiar" than I'd expect, what else do you-oh, I see. I'd like to volunteer as something you'd like to do together, too!
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Sexercise!
Fitness Magazine would like you to know that some sex positions are better for you than others. Not for pleasure, oh no, but for pumping those glutes and crunking those fubs! It's a slideshow, so prepare for dismissing annoying overlay ads, but you do get ten little line-drawings of fit people having sex. The positions they cover are, pretty much the main positions we all use, so, really, if this were true, there's be a whole lot more physically fit people than there actually are. I'd like to see the bad positions for exercise; maybe we're all doing the fucking that just makes us fat.
Regret = bad!
Oh no! Teens regret their sexual experiences! Get the President on the phone - something must be done! Heaven forbid we allow children to make regrettable mistakes. All children need to - at every turn - feel like their decisions are the absolute best decision they could make at that time. I think I know what you're trying to tell us, Moral Conservatives: we need to teach kids that every sexual experience is something to be proud of. Get fucked by whatever guy sits down next to you at the party - there's no regrets, babe! We don't want you feeling bad about yourself. Do these people not remember their own childhood? Or maybe they remember it too well, and think their poor decisions somehow make them a bad person - don't let your kids be the horrible person you have become! The stuff we regret is the stuff that makes us a better person: it is a learning experience. It's like that bullshit about "women regret their abortions": wait, someone makes a tough decision that doesn't result all sunshine and roses, so it must have been the wrong decision? What fucking utopian cartoon Eden are you living in? I regret having to put my crazy, bitey dog down, but sometimes it just has to be done. I've fucked women and been pissed at myself later - whether the next morning or after sticking around in the relationship beyond its age - but each one of them has shaped the kind of guy I am today. What makes you a person is how you live with your regret, and turn it into something virtuous. This is the most telling, about both the sex and the abortions: "They sometimes say afterward - because often at the time they say they enjoyed it - but afterward it's unwanted. There's something about the culture, about the drinking and peer pressure." You got what you wanted, but the regret is a fucking shield from criticism. No, I did it, I enjoyed it, but you can't call me a slut because I regret it. I got pregnant, got an abortion, but I pray to God I never have to do it again. Bullshit on all sides: own your fucking actions.
Robot Sex Tourism!
"Tourism futurologist" - a term I'm sure has been a career for centuries - Ian Yeoman has a vision. And, I doubt he was high, even though it sounds like it. "In the future," he says, "people will travel from place to place to have sex with robots!" Has he blown your freakin' mind yet? "No, dude, sure, shipping a robot sounds easier than taking a trip, but tourism is about the places you go - you'll be freakin' begging for the Grand Canyon to have a robot-fucking hotel right on the fucking edge, dude." I'm paraphrasing, but I can't imagine his brainstorming session with his "think tank" to sound any different. Maybe he's talking about robots fucking each other, which is definitely a new market for tourism that the future will certainly bring - more likely than people traveling to distant lands just to fuck robots. Shit, tourists travel to remote locations to fuck other tourists. Me, I'm going the other direction: sex-robot Netflix. You queue up the robot you want to fuck, and in a few days it arrives on your doorstep. Where's my "futurist" credentials, you assholes?
Dutch Hotties In Spain!
Only because I spent ten minutes watching it, I figure I better link to it. I don't speak netherlandese, so I don't have a clue what was going on. It sounds like a pair of guys and a pair of girls travel and try to out-cool each other - this episode: Barcelona, Spain. The guys are irrelevant, the girls are pretty hot - the blonde needs lessons in doing her own makeup, but otherwise they're both cute frolicking in Spain, making their glottal hhkkkkk noises and overuse of Rrrrrs...which might actually make them hotter, the jury is still out. SCKORRRRRRRRE!
Stop Faking Orgasms!
You're not helping, ladies: faking orgasms doesn't actually do any good. Pretending is only going to make it a habit, and then actually having orgasms will be difficult. Guys will like the last piece of advice for women to be honest about their sexual interest: if fucking doesn't sound like fun, offer to get him off. A handjob every time she doesn't feel frisky sounds like a win-win to me! Just be prepared, guys, that when she's ready to actually have an orgasm, you had better to a really fucking good job of it.
Pron Star = Crappy Cars!
The recession is hitting everyone hard - performer Savannah Stern is selling her Mercedes and borrowing a Chevy Trailblazer from her parents. Holy crap - twentysomethings who saw huge dividends when the economy was good spent it on crap rather than investing in their future, and now they're leaning on their parents to get by? This is unacceptible, people - where do porn stars think they can get away with this? Oh, from the Times, who have been trying to run this story for a year now, but the only people they could find were losers. Then - aha! - a photogenic youth drops in their laps. The porn industry's drop in price is probably the more shocking, but that's hard to photoboob, er, boobograph...er, boob on the boobpage of a boobpaper. I wonder - the non-financier that I am - if this is simply a price correction. One person can't make all the porn, like a monopoly, so there's a inherent demand for more pornography - the adult entertainment industry will always have a pool of actors, but as prices go down, performers drop out - but the smaller it gets, the more that small pool will be asking for bigger paychecks, which then makes the pool bigger because porn payrolls are getting back to the size of the people who dropped out due to low revenues, wavering back and forth until it settles at a point where customers are willing to pay and "service providers" are willing to work for. The inherent scarcity in DVD sales, as opposed to instant internet access, kept prices high, but the people giving away porn for free are still paying their bills: there's still money in it someplace, maybe a smaller paycheck than before, but it's not like the general public has decided to stop watching porn. I doubt that'll ever happen.
Laundry = Blowjob!
Fox's Sexpert, always providing good advice in the style of any blogger who can't think of anything to write, advises men to get off their lazy asses and do some laundry if they expect to get laid. Her main reason is probably the most honest and truthful, but sounds mean if actually said to a guy: "if you'd help out around here, I'd be less pissed at you and less tired, and I might actually feel like letting you tit-fuck me for a while." The suggestions get better, though, tying in actual sexual foreplay with the chores - something that might sound good for porn, but when put into practice really don't work all that well, like the washing machine: "Lovers can let the washer be their guide, making their actions in sync with the washer's rhythm, getting faster and faster with its motions. Things only get wilder as the spin cycle kicks into high gear." Erotica writers might think it sounds hot, but struggling to line up for a half hour, much of that time spent with the washer sitting still, filling with water, doesn't actually work. And, really, when sex is a possibility, are any chores going to actually get finished? Do the chores today, go to bed early, then tomorrow fuck your brains out.
Sex Addict Advice!
Nerve has a Q&A with Sex Addicts. Not, "how do I come to terms with my addiction?" or "what is the best way to control an oft-misunderstood psychiatric disability that affects my family and friends?" No, Nerve's Q&A with sex addicts addresses the questions everybody wants to know: how does an average joe like me learn to have a sex-addict's lifestyle? Some of the discussion is kinda creepy ("Dear heroin addict: how do you use your taste for heroin to hang out in cool clubs? Answer: *begins gagging on own tongue and twitching violently*"), but much of it is the average "how do I find a one-night stand?" answers. Only, with the added benefit of knowing that the people you meet up with could easily those sex addicts giving you the advice. Everybody...wins?
Jenna Fischer: GOD DAMN
I'm just linking to this for the picture seen below. The list is a serviceable collection of fuckable women whose names don't rhyme with Raygun Cocks, but they totally turn the awesomeness of their article up to 500 by posting this photo of Jenna Fischer nearly-naked. That is totally what I want to see standing in my kitchen when I go to get my Wheaties. She has that awesome girl-next-door-vibe, which - even on The Office - barely covers the soul of a women who will totally have a screaming freak-out when she orgasms like that Chloe from that one porn your roommate says you have totally got to see because of her. Er, or something like that. Anyhow, Jenna Fischer: I thought your Wired cover was hot enough, but, damn, you are sexy as all get-out:
Speidi: Orgasm Ignorant!
Heidi Montag, whom I only know as one of the bigger assholes on that one celebrity jungle show, claims her husband, the doughy and more-assholey Spencer Pratt, gives her 30 orgasms a day. Being a conservative Christian, my guess is Montag is unsure what an orgasm is, and from what she overheard at prom, it's kinda like a backrub, or something, and is very concerned about how some women can't get more than fifteen or twenty a day, because all she has to do is whine and say what a hard day she's been having, and Spencer gives her a little orgasm while watching The View, or on his way to the bathroom. Spencer's jackassery, no doubt, comes from sexual frustration; he's excited, of course, about Heidi's lad mag appearance, to which Heidi added, "psst, you can write about the porn, but don't tell my dad, OK, and make sure your readers don't tell anybody." No word yet on whether Heidi understands what pornography is yet, either.
Get Your Money's Worth!
Ever drive past those bikini carwashes (not the high school gymnastics team, you sick fuck) and talk yourself out of it, because it won't be worth the money? The problem is: your car is too fucking small. For $29 a day, you rent a god damned U-Haul, and drive it down to the Hooter's Bikini Car Wash, and make it worth every fucking penny. Next time: all the guys in the shop pitch in for that stretch Escalade limo - the car wash would be epic.
Redheads: Awesome!
The Frisky, handing the reigns briefly over to a guy, wonder what the fuck is up with hot redheads? My answer: natural redheads are the sexiest fucking thing in the entire universe. I close my case. Hell, even unnatural redheads aren't so bad, either. Case closed. Dammit, even that Manic Panic pink is hot as fuck, too. The end.
Suntan Tattoo Panties!
For women who intend to show off their suntan lines to the man of their choice, these bikini bottoms make the experience a bit more entertaining (warning: site is in gibberish). A little cut-out makes a naughty suntanned heart on her ass, which of probably better than a little biohazard symbol, or an arrow pointing to her anus. Er, although I know women who would totally pay money for either of those suntan panties: 
(via)
Guy Hates His Job!
I don't normally go for stupid shit, but this actually made me laugh out loud, then look around the library to see if anybody heard me. This guy posts on his blog that he hates his job, but he doesn't necessarily hate his job - it's just that the stupid people he works with really get on his nerves. He had me going, until almost the end. And I've seen the smart chick he works with, and she is way hotter than he says.
Big Dick!
Oh, man, if I had a white car, I'd totally show off my big dick by spraypainting it on the hood. I mean, come on, what woman isn't turned on by a guy with a big dick? Well, other than the - probably woman - who did this to somebody else's car. Come to think of it, the car owner probably doesn't even have a big dick. What a big fucking dick he must be. 
Kids: Using Internet Wrong!
OK, yeah, I'll agree that kids shouldn't be using the internet for porn, but it's a definite step up from squiring gonorrhea on each other because they don't have any other outlet. Er, anyhow, kids these days don't care about any of that: children are spending more time watching YouTube than they are searching for sex or porn. On one hand, if the kids even remotely know that somebody's monitoring their internet habits, they're gonna be looking for porn at their friend's houses. On the other hand: you can lose fuckin' weeks watching videos of cats wearing clothes set to music, or re-dubbed 80s cartoons full of swear words and homophobia, or people who thing they're the best ever but are completely not, or pirated movies broken up into 10-minute chunks...and then your friends call you because they haven't heard from you since Friday and are worried you didn't make it home safe from the bar. I do love this tidbit: "...a startling amount of children are illiterate or just plain lazy, with 'utube' in at number 78 on the list". Ah, remember when the kid with the computer was the smart kid in class? In a hundred and fifty years, "you" will be seen as a quaint and archaic member of the english language.
More Duh!
I'll just let the study results speak for themselves: Men are far more interested in casual sex than women. While men need to be exceptionally attractive to tempt women to consider casual sex, men are far less choosy. HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY GOD I AM TOTALLY CHANGING MY WORLDVIEW AND GONNA GET MYSELF A COOL PAIR OF KICKS AND QUIT MY JOB AND MAKE NECKLACES AT FLEA MARKETS CUZ I'VE BEEN SO WRONG ALL THESE YEARS. No, wait, it gets better: Americans and Italians are far sluttier than Germans. HOLY SHIT JESUS HERE I COME THE EPIPHANY IS HERE AND THE EARTH IS DONE WITH ME. Okay, okay, let me catch my breath - *phoo* - and people get paid to do this sort of science? On one hand, anecdotal evidence doesn't go over well in other research, so they have to cite factual studies somehow. On the other hand, studies that say things like, "As proven in Anderson-Whorrel (133), humans need to eat food every few hours while awake..." makes you get beat up by the less nerdy researchers and they steal your WoW stuff.
Cops = Assholes?
When your wife - a mom of 4, no less - poses in Playboy, it's a big deal. Well, that is, until your employer makes a big deal of it. Even worse: you're a cop, and your station-mates have spent the last year "investigating" your wife's Playboy spread in a harassing way. Wait, cops are assholes to people with liberal sensibilities? Who knew? See also: cop assumes girl is prostitute, catches her "littering", arrests her for fake ID - don't worry, something'll stick, right? She made you get out of your cruiser!
Lollipop Guild Temptation!
No - stay back, nude black babe! Molesting the Lollipop Guild will bring down the wrath of Glinda upon you! Just because he says he's the Tin Man doesn't mean he's got ten inches of steel in his pants. Oz is a dangerous place for half-naked sluts!
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Nude Breasts: OK!
An anonymous complainer forced an art gallery to move a bare-breasted piece of art, "Blue" by Danielle Mailer, from public view. However, the gallery asked for a review, and the police determined, no, no statutes or laws were broken, so the topless work of art went back up. The art world thanks you, Torrington, for recognizing that if somebody finds art sexy enough to be troubled by it, that's their problem, not the art's. 
Big Girls To Fuck!
Complex magazine has released their list of "big" women they'd like to fuck. Er, rather, they say "get crushed by", so I was expecting some obese women, but I didn't expect a mildly misogynistic reference from a lad's mag! Complex magazine is published on The Island of Tiny Women, so I can see how they were confused: everybody on their list is around average size, or maybe just a little bigger than normal. They might want to stop watching their online porn: here's a clue, guys - porn stars wear high heels because they're tiny - and that makes men's dicks look bigger. Real women are over 5 feet tall, are around a size 16, and are more than happy to fuck you for fun, but they're not so ugly that they need your charity. "Ah, she weighs more than 120, she'll appreciate that I want to fuck her, because it's quite clear nobody else would."
Brits: Too Lazy For Sex!
Think that British accent is sexy? Expect to hear it from the couch, asking you to change the channel. British people are too lazy to walk across the room to change the channel - or even have sex. The TV channel changing isn't a big deal - they've got, what, 2 channels in the UK? - but when 73% don't have the energy for sex, they know they have a problem. The ones who do have the energy for sex all have ASBOs, which means only the miscreants are breeding. Horror!
Sexlets!
Ladies, when you're flirting with a man and he pops some gum in his mouth, watch out: he may be priming his erection with some viagra-like chewing gum. Well, kinda: they hide behind the "male enhancer" name, like Enzyte Bob, which means it's main ingredient is "placebo". Well, placebo, yohimbue, damaiyana, and ginseng, none of which are probably spelled right her. A cocktail of those three herbs has been touted as herbal sex enhancer for decades (look at the ads in your old Hustlers, guys), which means it must work at least a bit for people to keep buying this crap. At least the gum makes your breath smell better, which is probably the biggest helper to getting laid of anything in the gum.
College Virginity Rates!
It's probably completely made up, but I can't find a fault in its factuality: a bar graph showing virginity rates upon graduation. That's not just any virgins, though: this is a chart for Wellesley, a private womens college. Art majors bottom out the extreme end at zero graduating a virgin. Duh, the virgins all realized their sophomore year that an art major doesn't pay well, and switched to an Economics major. On the other end of the chart, are, unsurprisingly, math majors - so, take a wild guess the major of the person that spent a Friday night making a gradiated bar graph instead of fucking some drunk guy on their roomates' loft bed?
Scandinavian Men = Best!
I totally win in both categories: Swedish and Norwegian men are the best husbands - and I'm totally both of those, thanks to immigrant grandparents. The root, sadly, isn't the man, but the country: egalitarian cultures are far more tolerant of men cooperating with their partners, while the more dominating and sexist countries think she should go bake some fucking cookies, bitch, the game is almost on! The UK came in third - damn socialized medicine! - with the U.S. as fourth place - damn third-wave feminists! - but in last place, what, Somalia, China? Nope: Australia. No wonder: Hitler came from there. Anyhow, my guess is that the poll picked apples-to-apples, Western modernized cultures, which means the curve isn't that big. Now, I'm off to do the laundry, BRB.
Chastity AND No Marriage!
Boy, Evangelicals are becoming the Catholics of the 21st century: not only do they make their children feel guilty for having sex before marriage, they make them feel guilty for marrying young, too. Ah, controlling parents lasting well into adulthood sounds, um, awesome? Hey, you, seventeen-year-old with raging hormones: if you have sex, you're going to hell, but if you marry so you can have sex, you're going to hell, too. Wait until you're past college, are bringing in a good paycheck, and then you can finally have sex. That sounds like a completely do-able plan! Evangelical children: didn't the Palins teach you anything? Sure, you have your purity ring and abstinence pledge, but go ahead and fuck whoever you want, because when you get pregnant or get somebody pregnant, your family will rally around you and help out like it's the greatest thing ever! Careless premarital sex is the best thing that can happen to you - oh, and guys, you better bet that the evangelicals' Victorian morality works in more ways than expecting chastity: you can stick your dick in any non-evangelical you want, especially prostitutes - that's how the system has worked for a hundred and fifty years. You kids trying to follow the letter of the law just don't get it. The rules are contradictory so you can pretend you're better than everybody else, even though you're doing the same thing as those you criticize. Hey, if a couple people have stamina to actually be a virgin until thirty, good for them, but they don't have to.
Embroidery!
Unless I'm seeing the same stuff on several blogs, embroidered men's shirts seem to be the fashion this fall. Most are flowery and unmasculine, but the one below struck my fancy. Epaulets, a contrasting color for wear-lining at the collar and wrists, and - and this is key, guys: asymmetrical. Symmetrical at the shoulders: cowboy look. Symmetrical all the way down the chest: victorian-fop look. Just on the wrists or shoulders is subtle enough to be acceptable, but don't embroider that art-nouveau, french-curvey stuff all over, it looks lame. 
Con Hand Job!
Holy fuck, I need to start going to geek conventions and acting like a horny idiot. Blog journalist goes to con, connects with people, and ends up participating in a one-man circle-jerk. If I knew it was that easy to get jacked-off in public, I'd start telling more people - venue was my problem; when I tried this in the lobby of the dentist's office, nobody was particularly interested in joining in.
Motivational Boobs!
The Chive, always good for some frequently-retweeted photos organized for maximum effect, has compiled the greatest tit-related motivational posters. Well, one part of me is more motivated than before. Bonus: chesty Facebook babes. 
43 Minutes A Day!
You know when Fox News re-runs content from the UK's The Sun, it must be rock-solid science! Men spend 43 minutes admiring women every day, which, no doubt, coincides with the actual screen time that Rachel Maddow gets during her show - meow! The statistic includes that this involves around 10 separate women, so, maybe, like, four or five minutes each, which means that having lunch in front of the Victoria's Secret every day is worth the time. It also means, however, that these guys haven't found online porn yet. Just today, I've ogled around 150 women at length, for approximately the last five hours. My erection could shatter a cast-iron skillet.
Bubble Bath Ponytail
Dear girl, bathing with your clothes on is strictly out of the question. I don't know where young ladies like you get the idea to wash while dressed; slide that body of yours over here, and I'll help peel the slick, soaked fabric from your smooth skin; I'll even help wash your back a little, if you're so inclined:
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Hot Gi Joe Babes!
Apparently, the only sexy one in G.I. Joe was the Baroness, with her full-body leather catsuit...but I don't blame 'em. Beware: the gallery says 40 images, but several are of the same person, and a couple look like they were just hotlinked from an army surplus website: 
Spartacus Penis!
Kirk Douglas, star of the original film "Spartacus", is appearing in the new Spartacus miniseries, but only as a namesake of a main character: Spartacus' prosthetic penis. Nude scenes are throughout (Lucy Lawless gets naked!), but they guys get fake willies. The actress who plays Spartacus' wife - the oh-so-porny-named Erin Cummings - named the little dick in honor of the original star. I'm sure Kirk is proud.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Pornographers are getting lazy: they to sexy remakes of everything from the Brady Bunch to X-Files, and now they're parodying things that are, essentially, a parody in themselves. Lethal Hardcore Video is producing the artistically titled "Fuck my mom and me", in which a David Letterman-like goofball gets to fuck a Sara Palin-like politico and her Slutty Palin-like daughter. Once upon a time, nobody gave a shit who the characters were trying to be - and there was a certain appreciation for subtle, unspoken connections. Now, it's "hey, remember that thing! Here's what it would look like if they were fucking!" Watch for this later this fall: "We Fuck Reporter Prisoners!" featuring a Bill Clinton -alike, a KimJong Il -alike, two nondescript asian women with huge fucking tits and a taste for anal, and a guest appearance from a Al Gore -alike. Shit - I shoulda kept that a secret; it's actually an awesome premise for some crappy porn.
Women: Your Friends Are Hot!
Now you have it, ladies: your boyfriend fantasizes about fucking your friends. And, apparently, almost a quarter of you have ugly friends. As if that was a secret; Gracie for a while pestered me to admit I find her friends sexy, but I wouldn't budge: there's a reason they only get answers like this from an anonymous poll. Even if there's no chance in hell of cheating, planting that seed in a woman's head only results in shitvines growing.
One Night Stand Chart!
You know nerds run the internet, because sex-related charts, graphs, and diagrams are everywhere. Here, Maxim - known for being the "home for nerds" - plots out the steps of consummating a one-night stand. What they fail to mention is that, if a guy needs to learn from this chart to get it done, that fucker will never, ever get to the starting point on the flowchart. That is the complicated part. But, hey, we all know the Maxim guys haven't figured that out yet: they got the info for this flowchart from the beginning of Knocked Up.
Divorce Entrance!
Yeah, that fucking "dancing wedding entrance" has been everywhere - the local news even had it on because they were from Minnesota or something. We all know, THIS is where they're headed in a couple years. People that creative are deep-seated sociopaths, they won't stand to be around each other for long.
Clown Hair!
See, this is what happens when clowns procreate recklessly. Sure, she could have died her hair, but the purpose of artistic porn is to show people what's underneath, the truth about the person inside...even if that person is the unholy spawn of the John 3:16 Guy and Loonette:
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Sex = Slow and Fast!
Men's Fitness wants to make sure you're pacing yourself while having sex - she likes it slow, and it's better for your stamina, so, guys, take your time, use lots of forepl- wait, what? On second thought, the Daily Mail is tired of your shit, Men's Fitness, women need it hard and fast. How about this, gals: you tell us what the fuck you want, we'll do our best, and stop saying we're doing it wrong. Everybody wins!
Hookers: Trustworthy!
In China, they've got their priorities straight: a recent poll shows that citizens find their local prostitute more believable than their politicians. I've been telling people this for a long time, but nobody believes me: for years, I've been told "you're the first client to ever make me orgasm," "that's the biggest cock I've seen", and "you're the only one to get the discounted price, because I like you so much," and now I have proof - proof! - that everything she has said is true. More true than Senator Franken, even.
Topless Ladies With Swords!
Wooo - the hottest babes of Heavy Metal and the Renaissance Faire come together in this website: Topless Ladies With Swords dot com. Fetishists can even get their rocks off, because these ladies are also fuckin' blind. They'll give you your just desserts, they'll tell you where to go, and they won't stand for any shifty behavior - completely by the books, these ladies are. I think, anyhow: their HTML is messed up, so every click goes to The Colbert Report, but I'm sure they'll have it fixed sometime today.
Sexy Stormtroopers!
Sure, they're somewhat of an allegory for Naziism, they can't shoot worth a fuck, and they wear armor all the time - but I'll be damned if the female Star Wars Stormtrooper isn't hot as hell. Well, most of them; about 10% suck, another percentage are wearing helmets too big for their body, but, hey; the ones with huge tits are well worth the click.
Liebovitz: Sued!
Annie Liebovitz, the photographer who makes some of the porniest non-porn photos, might lose her portfolio: sales rights to her photos were held as collateral in a $22 million loan, and now that she's fallen behind on payments, they want to sell everything off. As such, a sale might be coming up soon: sure, the market is bad, but $22 million is still nothing compared to the sell-off that'll occur when the gavel comes down on genuine Liebovitz prints.
Too Much Porn!
Corrections officer Scott Heimlich sounds like he loved his porn a little too much - he was recently fired because he, allegedly, was downloading so much porn that it slowed their computer network to a crawl. Now, I download a lot of porn myself, but never so much as to impact network performance...that takes some dedicated porn effort. The report says Heimlich only had 857 pornographic pictures on his computer: that's nowhere near enough to slow down a computer. Streaming video, that's the porn of choice for correctional officers, you know.
Condom Sex = Bad!
A study from Scotland has discovered that sex without a condom is good for your mental health. It doesn't go into their methods, but it says that people who have unprotected sex deal with stress better and have a more positive mental well-being: probably because they're having sex with someone they love and aren't worried about STDs or pregnancy, like the condom-users are. But, hey, unconventional results equal news articles, so I propose a study to show that gay sex causes more pregnancies than heterosexual sex: it'll get me on Oprah!
