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 Glad to hear you're doing better, Ron, but yesterday it looked pretty bleak. Ron Jeremy, king of fucking for a living, had a heart aneurysm, which required some emergency surgery and some time in the ICU. Apparently, fucking thousands of nubile young women does have a negative health impact. We're all sending out best wishes, Mr. Jeremy, hope you get better soon.
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 You may have decided that buying a fake Facebook girlfriend was just too weird, so here's a much more productive Facebook app: Bang with Friends is a Facebook app for finding casual sex in your friend-list. Sadly, everyone in my friend list is either somebody I don't really know, or is really somebody I'm not that interested in fucking. But, I'm also not a college student who gets automatically friended by everyone because I'm in their email list or because they need to get my Algebra homework. In that case, Bang with Friends is a toy for hooking up with people you're probably already hooking up with, which ain't that bad of a place to be in life.
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 Most guys have tried masturbating with things that aren't really intended to be used as a masturbatory aid, and most of the time it's ill-advised and not all that great. What happens when a bunch of these inventive whackoffs get together online and try and reach a consensus for makeshift masturbators? A combination of hilarity and uncomfortable emergency room visits in the future. Lasagna? Never thought of that one, but then again I don't fuck food.
I've been saying it for years, and now there's a study proving it: sex with a condom is just as satisfying. I've known this for years, because of this logical process: the options generally are "have sex with a condom" or "don't have sex at all". Which one sounds more satisfying, men? The reason that this is a debate is that men and women have included a secondary option, "just have sex anyways without a condom", which does nobody any good, especially people who really should be using condoms anyway. I've had more than one woman who I dated when I was younger who seemed embarrassed and/or ready for an argument when the subject of a condom came up. They were quite relieved that I had no complaint, but I got to fuck, she got to fuck, and everyone was happy. What kind of asshole starts an argument with a women who wants him to stick his dick in her? An asshole, that's who. So, take the article to heart, people: condoms are awesome, because they let you fuck, and stop acting like going bareback is an option in the kind of situation where either person thinks a condom sounds like a good idea. Just wrap it and get on with the fucking, it's all good.
 Roger Ebert, the wizened prophet that he is, has issued one of his rare zero-star reviews. Movie 43, nominated for eight Oscars and twelve Golden Globes, has been dealt a blow to its marketing plan that it is unlikely to recover from. Who knew that comedy which involves lovers pooping on each other would fall so flat? Let's just hope all the actors -- many of whom are already Oscar winners -- got paid well for their embarassing attempts at humor. Speaking of which, one segment revolves around a sex-doll sized MP3 player (played by real naked women) which has spinning blades were its pussy is. Comedy genius! 
 Hello, ladies! Um, hello...ladies? I can see that you're pretty occupied right now, but if you'll turn your attention to my penis over here, we can....well, whatever. You two keep going at it, I'll just be sitting over here masturbating.
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 But don't call them hookers, of course: they're 'sugar babies'. Nearly 90 San Diego college students are whoring for tuition by joining the site seekingarrangement.com, who are damn proud of the slutty college students that partake of their services. I'm not sure who's more innocent and naiive here: the 21-year-old who thinks it'll be easy to just sign up on a website and get paid $5,000 a month for blowjobs, or the guy who has a spare $5,000 a month lying around and believes these are sweet, innocent college girls who are just trying to get through this crazy life. But, if you're willing to believe in true...love?...you might just find that the pairings that come from this website are pure Randian commerce brought to its 21st century perfection. Plus, if you're a business major and on this site, start writing your Master's thesis now, you'll kill two birds with one stone.
When it's winter here in North America, it's summer in Denmark, so you know what that means? naked women fishing! They call it fiskepige, which means fish girl, which means girl is "pige" in denmarkian, and that's something you don't call American ladies. Just more examples of why Denmark is the opposite of America, and why we call it the 'land down under'. Anyhow, I do not recommend any woman go fishing while naked, fish fins are very pointy and will cause unpleasant soft tissue damage. Keep fish away from genitals at all costs.
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 More entrepreneurial spirit: this website will not actually get you laid, but it'll make your Facebook page look like you're getting some. For $40, they'll violate all sorts of Facebook terms of service and be your fake girlfriend for a certain amount of time. Better make sure it's only for a short time, though: drag it out too long and your Mom will insist "Becky" come along to watch fireworks at the 4th of July, and that'd be an uncomfortable conversation, you know. Well, depending on how deep your pockets are: for the right amount of money, you can get a "Becky" to be both a Facebook girlfriend and a sometimes lover. It all hinges on your budget, buddy.
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 YouPorn has put together the kind of infographic that'll make a statistician cream his pants. This is the zeitgeist of YouPorn for the recent year, none of which is overly surprising. For one, the average visit is about 10 minutes -- about as long as a normal man lasts before busting a nut during sex, which makes sense. About the most interesting thing is their top six celebrity searches. Hulk Hogan, really? I think those searches actually came from Hulk himself, hoping somebody actually decided to cash in and upload a video they made getting shafted by Hulkamania. Aside from the Hulkster, I apparently need to figure out who this Sara Tommasi is, for her to be #2. The rest of the most-searched ladies are trainwrecks, but a little italian hottie might be somewhat respectable.
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 Back in the eighties, me and a couple guys drove up to Fargo to the car show just to see this amazing feat of automotive magic: the original TV Batmobile. I'm not sure we ever saw the real one, but it sure looked like it. After all these years, a custom Futura seems to have really gone up in price: the TV Batmobile sold this weekend for just over four million dollars. It, amazingly, had been owned by the designer who originally built it, but now it's moving on to live with a car collector with deep pockets. Wait...a rich eccentric man buys a crime fighting car? I hope he doesn't plan on donning a cowl and jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Look where that got Adam West.
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 While it may seem that the XBox Kinect is only good for dancing games, one company has decided to make the 2nd most obvious use of the technology their main goal. Gamelink intends to create the first Kinect porn movie...game...masturbatory aid? Whatever they want to call it, they're not even sure how to make it work - so they want you to tell them the most perverted way to use the same machine your kids play Lego Harry Potter on. The main reason I want to see this become real is the eventual YouTube videos of drunk people playing these games at frat parties. That shit's gonna be hilarious.
 My good friend Slip of a Girl was interviewed recently in Collector's Weekly, which was then picked up by Neatorama. It's always nice to be browsing RSS feeds and see somebody I know. Slip loves classic lingerie in the most awesome of ways, so you should go give her some love.
 Emma Hack, the mind behind the Gotye video " Vinyl Retrieval By Proxy", has produced a bunch of naked bodyart done in the style of Roy Lichtenstein. Three models declare their strong womenhood through quoting snippets of online jargon, plus you can kinda see a nipple once in a while: I approve.
Ever want to know how a kink.com porn shoot really goes? This xojane writer got to participate in a pornshoot, and found it to be rather technical, not too exciting, but also better than expected.
I love this stuff - there's the idea that an artist just sits down and paints stuff from scratch, or that somebody actually sits for hours, posing for a painting, but since the origin of photography the art of painting has created two pieces of art for every print that ended up on a matchbook cover for a seedy bar. These Gil Elvgren studies all became iconic paintings, and neither version is hard on the eyes.
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More glass cock fun: new at Sexclectic is this cobalt blue g-spot stimulator from Don Wands. And, just look at this thing: if you decide your g-spot is stimulated enough (which nobody has ever thought before), you can turn the fucker around and use the big nobby handle to get yourself off.
OK, I must either be blocking out the stupidity, or this has finally gotten mainstream enough. Apparently, "Throuples" are where three people date and maybe fuck. For those of us over 22, this was called "stupid college relationships", because when you're twenty and horny you can't help but either fuck a friend's girlfriend, or a friend's boyfriend, or a girlfriend's friend. Eventually, somebody gets pissed, even if it feels naughty and alternative at the time. The Throuple apparently gives the "winner" in the threesome an excuse when one of the others feels left out - because, hey, you knew it was a throuple when we got together, baby. Now, I'm putting this in a different category than polyamory, like everyone else does, because poly relationships don't have a stupid name and have some weight behind it. Throuples are people messing around with more than one person at a time, and that's just juvenile fun. Once you've found a unicorn, then come back and talk about your poly relationship.
I really need to update my Netflix queue. IO9 has compiled the greatest sexy sci-fi films ever. All I've seen are Barbarella, Galaxina (which isn't that sexy, unless you count Avery Schreiber's moustache), and Edward Penishands. I initially thought that last one was something my drunken mind had imagined, but it apparently really did exist. It was chosen for viewing by a girl who wanted to sleep with me, but I was too young and naiive to notice, and she was too young and naiive to realize that, if you want to get sexy with someone, Edward Penishands is probably not the best choice.
 If you thought audiophile DACs were out of your pricerange, take a look at this Schiit. For $99, Schiit offers the Modi, a DAC that replaces the schiity soundcard you bought at OfficeMax. It's USB powered and doesn't require special drivers, so if you were wondering why your Angry Birds sound effects sounded crappy coming through your McIntosh tube amp, it's the poor quality DAC. Plug this Schiit in there, and you'll swear the pigs were dying horribly right in your living room.
With the 2014 World Cup getting ready to go to Brazil, the South American country is doing all it needs to in order to be prepared: improving roads, building facilities, training the hookers to speak English...wait, why would they do that? Americans don't watch the World Cup, silly! The goal is to get all the people that might have contact with foreign sports fans to speak the lingua franca of today, English. CNN, not realizing that most of the rest of the world has legalized prostitution as a valid business model, had to publish their little giggle fit over the fact that prostitutes get taught anything. No wonder Brazil is not interested if any Americans show up or not.
The edge of the marble tub of the newlywed suite was cold under my naked ass, while the hot water flowed between my toes. We had asked for the newlywed suite despite only having known each other for three days, but it sounded like fun. As the soap suds clung to the soft skin of her tits, I knew I would do to her all kinda of nasty things that innumerable newlyweds have done to each other in this bath.
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 We've all known for a long time that fashion models are tiny on every scale, with their bony bits sticking out everywhere, but it's not as noticeable as it is in the photo below, from Plus Model Magazine, in which a normal-sized naked woman holds a "normal" sized fashion model. OK, it's an excuse to see naked women hugging, but maybe you'll just learn something about society's pressure on women towards tininess in the process.
If you liked the 3d printed album, take a look at this: a silicone reverse mold is made, so you can fill it with water and make a playable ice record. The 3d-printer record is somewhat feasible to me, but the ice record? I'm pretty sure this is a fake, but it's at least a neat concept in theory.
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 Here's another for you: in my attempt to get back into erotica writing, here's another novella for you. Greg surprised his family by bringing his ex-girlfriend home for Christmas -- with a wedding ring on her finger. Greg's got a chip on his shoulder, though: Mike was a football star, made a million as an internet entrepeneur, and now is a VP with a Porche. If Greg wasn't such a dick, Katie might stick with him...but when she met Mike, all bets were off. Christmas With Katie is available on Amazon and Smashwords, for your fine reading pleasure.
We have already learned the wonders of using 3d printing technology to make surrogate penises modeled on real cocks, but here's a somewhat practical use of the technology. Apparently, you can actually 3d print a record album, which is both crazy but so freaking obvious I'm mad that I hadn't thought of it. And, like in the early days when Edison spent his days screaming obscenities at his underpaid technicians, this 3d-printed album sounds just about as crappy as the early wax cylinders. But, every technology has to start somewhere, and if there's one thing I know, it's that hipsters will put their mechanical-turkitude into making this a viably impractical method for handling tunes.
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Does your music taste not agree with your fashion sense? Not enough skulls on the adult-contemporary CD shelves? Here you go, from Front Magazine, heavy metal t-shirts of Phil Collins, Celene Dion, Barry White, and Marc Anthony. Just hope that people can't read, and you'll be fine.
Update: This looks like the original source.
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Lovehoney is a sex paraphernalia shop in the U.K., and they've got a smart program: send them your old sex toys, they give you loyalty points. See, because sex toys have batteries and solder and motors and circuit boards and wierd rubber in them, they're about as bad for the environment as your celphone is. The thing is, here in the U.S., they're not any less toxic to the environment, but the trash rules aren't so strict around here. My garbage guy said as long as it doesn't look like a computer or a bucket of solvent it can go in the regular trash. But, if you really want to help the environment, do the right thing: dispose of your battery-powered penises with a company like Scarlet Girl or see if this place is accepting donations yet, or see if you have a friend in the UK who'd be willing to take 'em off your hands. You'll feel better about the environment, and it's an excuse to buy something new: a win-win situation!
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