Enjoy Blowjobs!
Ladies, do you find giving a blowjob boring, ineffective, and unpleasant?
Here's how to turn that around. Blowjob expert Joanna Van Vleck can show you how to give a blowjob that is better for you than him. Apparently, part of the process is called Orgasmic Meditation, where one person "gently strokes the other partner's clitoris for 15 minutes." Jesus Christ, if I stroked any woman's clitoris for fifteen minutes, I'm pretty sure she'd be pretty worked up by the time the egg-timer dinged. Cosmo, surprisingly, wasn't overly positive about it, but sucking cock isn't for everyone I guess.
Nerd Stress!
A study of IT professionals in India has discovered something naughty: the high-stress world of IT professionals causes risky sex. High levels of technical and financial stress make tech geeks 6x more likely to pay for sex, and 2x more likely to not use a condom during sex. Wait -- nerds are having sex now? Of course they have to pay for it more than the average person, if 1980s screwball comedies have told me anything it's that the thick-glasses, buck-toothed computer kids never get the girl. You'd think they'd be smart enough to know that condoms are better, though, unless they're so stressed that they're praying for the sweet, sweet release of syphilitic death. Maybe they're still having the condom size problem in India, who knows. As long as they continue to pronounce my name wrong when they call me "Mr. Dufaowall" eighty times during each call, I can sympathize with why they're so stressed.
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Autumn Washing Up!
That look of surprise is only a charade: she knew you'd be looking for her, she left clues as to where she'd be, and now that you've found her, I hope it's painfully clear what she's intending to do to you.
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Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, readers of Red Blooded Thing! Make sure you open your presents carefully; there might be something fragile and precious inside!
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Winnipeg Whores OK!
Late-breaking news, just in time for Christmas: Canada's Supreme Court has struck down their anti-prostitution laws. As I understand it, the votes were strictly divided along species lines, 8 polar bears to 11 caribou, with the penguins abstaining because penguins are not native to Canada, god damn it. But, anyhow, if you find yourself in Winnipeg, your whores are now legal, so you can avoid the troubles this guy finds himself in:
Decorate Your Pornstar!
Only a few days left before Christmas - you better have your pornstar decorated by now! Just make sure to water her and watch for dry needles; you want her to make it all the way to Christmas looking as gorgeous as possible.
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Christmas Infidelity!
If you're trying to find a cheap gift for somebody who likes to read, send them my e-book Christmas With Katie, an erotic short story I published last winter. Mike spends some quality time with his brother Greg's wife over Christmas, and things get sexy.
A Hitachi Magic Wand Christmas!
Well, it looks like somebody's gonna have a happy Christmas! If the sexy ladies in your life haven't got one of these yet, buy them a Hitachi Magic Wand for Christmas! I have yet to hear anyone who has had a negative experience with one, and many owners would dump their boyfriend before tossing out their Magic Wand. Christmas shopping time is now - you've only got a week left, what are you waiting for?!
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Vagina Couches!
How hard is it to get rid of a couch that looks like an engorged vulva? Pretty damn hard, it seems. Five days ago, someone posted on the Portland Craigslist that she was selling the vagina loveseat she had made in art school, asking $600. Googling "vagina couch" as I often do, I ran across a listing from 2008 where a woman named Willow was trying to sell the exact same couch in Mendocinco California. Looks like it's tough to sell a vagina couch these days -- not only did Willow fail to find a buyer five years ago, she packed it up and moved it ten hours to the north, where it has been languishing in an unloved corner of her apartment since, probably getting covered in cat fur and old grocery bags and that windbreaker she can't find because it's all shoved down in the folds and is covered in cat hair and grocery bags. At least it wasn't a $20K vagina couch, you're really looking for a specialized buyer there. In Portland, there must be at least twenty people in the sexually-themed furniture market at the under-$1,000 pricetag.
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Naughty Lola Bunny!
This appears to be the original picture of Bugs Bunny spanking a bare-assed Lola Bunny while her tits falling out of her tiny t-shirt, but, oh, no, it can't live on as just a silly picture. It has taken on a life of its own as graffiti, an inappropriate tattoo or two, and apparently art for sale in Ohio. Used to be the sexiest thing was when Bugs dressed up as a lady bunny, but this is just taking things too far.
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Bad Game Boobs!
Video game company Crytek has a new game called Ryse, taking place in Ancient Rome, but there's something a bit confusing about the ancient Romans: their boobs are apparently affected by forces unknown to man. I suppose this weird boob bouncing seen in the clip below is actually the doing of the Gods, like everything else in ancient Roman videogames. The programmers of Ryse aren't doing nerd-dom any favors by making it appear that they've never seen boobs in motion before. If there's anything 3D artists love it's to have a live example to base their math on - the video game company should have afforded at least a couple hundred bucks to pay a woman to walk around a while, if only to improve office morale rather than making everyone look like idiots by depicting a woman with rubbery detached breasts that have a life of their own.
Bathing Autumn!
That must be one dirty, dirty ass, given how much soap she is using on it. The sad thing is that all I want to do is make it even dirtier.
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Bad Gnomes!
What seems to start out as a regular camgirl session reveals a significant gnome infestation. She should really talk to her landlord about it -- if she survived. Everyone knows gnomes are attracted by Hitachi Magic Wands, she should have known better.
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Origami Vagina!
Origami is the Japanese art of paper folding, and if hentai tells us anything it's that the vulva is one of the most appreciated parts of the human body to the Japanese -- so why not put the two together and make origami vaginas? Better than origami penises, ick, who wants to see that?
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Passion For Vinyl!
Writer Robert Haagsma has put together a coffee-table book for lovers of vinyl. Called Passion For Vinyl, Haagsma has compiled photos, trivia, and interviews with Henry Rollins and a bunch of northern-european names. Sorry, I'm not quite culturally literate to know them all -- which is why I need this book, right? Doesn't seem to be available in the U.S. (maybe here?), so sorry Secret Santa, you're going to come up short this year I guess. It comes with a 45rpm 7" single, which slips into the book cover, making it the most epic liner notes ever.
Cosplay Calendar!
Wasabassco Burlesque has been putting on burlesque shows for years, and now they've decided to expand their talents into an unexpected realm: a comic-book cosplay calendar! If there's one thing the world loves, it's beautiful women trying to look like superheroes, and these gals got it in spades. Watch the teaser video.
Cooking Fail!
Be glad you didn't eat Thanksgiving dinner at Sheila's house. Sure, it looks like she was having fun, but once you're done with all the buttery sex on the butcherblock, you've got a thawed turkey going bad and no cranberry sauce to speak of. Overall, it'll still be a disappointment.
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Dakota Dicks Biggest!
This just in: North Dakota men have the largest penises in the U.S.! Not that it means anything, but when you think about it, if you're gonna live in a desolate arctic wasteland where your career options are rancher, farmer, oil rig roustabout, coal miner, or any other deadliest jobs of the 1880s, you've got something massive dangling between your legs.
South Dakota would have come in at second place, but in tiny Rhode Island they have that one guy, which threw the averages way off.
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Good Sex Award Needed!
William Nicholson, one of the contenders for the worst sex-writer in the world, laments that if there's a "Bad Sex Award", why not also offer a "Good Sex Award"? I'm all for that, although the Bad Sex contenders are more fun to read in mixed company. The Good Sex Award would definitely open up the erotica world to everyone, and it's highly unlikely Cosmo would ever win it, so it's got that going for it.
Adult Toy Cyber Monday!
Christmas cums early for people who shop for adult toys on Cybermonday! Sexclectic, my favorite sex toy store because it's not huge nor shitty to navigate, is having Cyber Monday specials - free shipping, sale items, and according to Gracie you can use code BIGSPENDER and take $25 off any order of $100 or more. I know they say it's all about Christmas gift-giving, but you deserve a Fleshlight, don't you?
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