Thousands of amateur genealogists are probing their history, looking for royal titles in their lineage, hoping, maybe, they'll turn out to be a prince or dutchess -- but there's some people who have trouble with the title in their history. "Marquis de Sade" isn't really a name; it's a title of French aristocracy, but it hasn't been used since one very interesting person held the title in the 1700s. You know, the guy who they named sadism after. The Marquis fathered three children, and those children had children, so it only follows that someone has the right to hold the title of Marquis de Sade today. After hundreds of years denying their infamous ancestor, his descendants are looking to reclaim the title. The change seems to be less about holding on to royal titles in the modern age, but to acknowledge the literary innovation the last Marquis de Sade introduced to the world.

It's almost Christmas, and you're still looking for the right gift for that special person??! Maybe he or she is just not too keen on bright-pink veiny rubber penises, and you want to get them a sex toy that doesn't look like a sex toy -- then Gizmodo has the clickbait article for you! The one guy toy on the list, the Zen masturbator, I had to look into - Apparently you turn it inside out and rub those triangles on your penis, to simulate fucking the low-polygon 1990s Lara Croft. Technology today is amazing!

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Jaroslav Wieczorkiewicz likes milk -- he thinks it does a body good, especially when splashed over a naked woman's body. Here's an excellent behind-the-scenes-look at how it's done.

Coca-Cola thought it did a body good, too, so they licensed Jaroslav's photos for an ad campaign of their own, emphasizing how their non-lactose-and-vitamin-enhanced milk can enhance a woman's looks.

Unfortunately, that's sexist, Coca-Cola! After numerous negative responses focusing on how using sexy women to sell milk doesn't hit the right demographics -- splash beer and Miller Lite will make Wieczorkiewicz a billionaire -- Coca-Cola has pulled the ads. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but given how most of Coke's profits come from weight-gaining products, and the new milk product is about as natural as soft-serve is (see also their juice products that are about as bad as soda), the response is less about whether milk is good for you than if anything Coca-Cola sells is good for you.

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AAAH, it's Halloween and the dead are rising from their graves and...wait, is THAT what ghosts look like under the sheets? Hell, bring a bunch over to my place, haunt me all night if you want!

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"No...heh heh .... it's a CHRISTMAS TREE! Really! Don't you see it - this is modernism reductionist symbo--blah blah fuckin big words, just trust me its full of the fucking Christmas spirit." That's how it would go if I tried to pull this bullshit off, but artist Paul McCarthy managed to get the city of Paris to allow him to put a five-story buttplug in the middle of town.

"Oh, it's just a coincidence!" you cry, thinking this couldn't have possibly happened intentionally. Well, take a gander at this: Paul McCarthy loves Christmas so much a couple years ago he made a Santa statue holding a sex toy. Combining the shocking/disgusting with soft lines and cultural touchtones seems to be his schtick.

If I sound outraged, this is why: Santa holding a sex toy: there's a degree of artistic creativity in that. An acre of poop is something you create organically, not from a life model. Just a five-story buttplug like manufacturers produce by the thousands? Making it green doesn't count as expressive interpretation. Had McCarthy put in the bare minimum of effort and put a fucking star on top I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt. What we've got here is a purely lazy artist.

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Artist Rhiannon Shneiderman wants you to consider pubic hairstyles, juxtapozing it against all the ways men can style their facial hair. If only pubic hair was stylable, aside from shaving it - two pigtails to hold on to, now that would be how I'd style my pubic hair. Or, weave it into a sleeve for my penis during the cold months - it'd look something like this:

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"The Fappening" is the amateurish name of the unauthorized release of nude photos of celebrities stolen from their phones or cloud services. I won't link to it here; it's a serious violation of privacy. Aiming to fix this is The Unfappening, which is taking those released nudes and photoshopping them into SFW and non-nude images, to help protect these women's privacy. How effective (or necessary) is yet to be seen, but some are pretty darn creative:

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Grandmas seem to gravitate towards fabric-crafts as they get older: knitting, sewing, rugs made from your old t-shirts -- but one Kansas City grandma has taken things too, too far. Holly Pollyester - if that is her real name - sews, knits, glues, and fastens giant penises. She has an exhibition at the UMKC (go Mizzou!) Gallery of Art. Being short on funds, they got their brochures and posters made through a Kickstarter effort, which is the absolute pure reason that Kickstarter exists. I vote their next Kickstarter is to put together a traveling exhibition to travel the rest of the western-central states - Kansas, Nebraska, Utah, Wyoming - showing off the giant penises at every little small-town community art museum they can find. What that area needs are more giant penises anyhow.

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Looking for something sexy to do tonight in New York? The show "Sex Mosters" opens at No Romance Galleries. The show, a collection of works from a variety of artists jumps off into the deep end of sexual depravity, which is just the way they like it in TriBeCa, or so I'm told. More examples of the art here, much of which seems to be photography, multimedia collages, or a mix of the two.

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Remember that Japanese artist arrested for 3D data files of her vulva? Here's why she needed 3D vulva data in the first place - she has made a kayak which is shaped like her vulva, and while paddling it looks like she's coming out of the vagina. I'd say, "that's a weird reason to scan your vagina," but then I remembered this is Japan, and reminded myself I should never be surprised about Japan.

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When you're spending all your days looking through a magnifying glass at tiny gears and springs, your mind must wander. Fine watchmakers can create fancy artistic movements, but really creative watchmakers hide erotic automatons inside. It's pretty run-of-the-mill, just a guy boning a woman, but I have a device in my pocket that tells time and lets me watch guys fuck women, I call mine an Android phone, but mine won't work if I can't get signal.

The Green Lantern movie didn't get a lot of respect, but the comic book has been around for decades and added a number of rings beyond green and yellow - so here's some naked babes bodypainted to represent all the colors of the Lantern Corps universe:

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Recently, somebody tried selling a Wangcaster on Craigslist.
Yes, you read that right: a Wangcaster. It's apparently a guitar shaped like a huge penis with balls, apparently to clue in really, really stupid people that don't get the symbolism of a regular guitar's shape in a man's hands. A little detective work proves the Craigslist guy stole the image from here, which proves that the guitar in the picture belongs to a guy in the Japanese band Tainted DickMen. Shame on you, Craigslist dude: everyone knows the best way to gain attention is to post your own big penis, not the musical penis of a Japanese rock star.

Artist Tran Truong has made beautiful works of 3D art containing hundreds of cut-out butterflies...not just any butterflies, though. Tran has cut hundreds of pornographic magazines into tiny, beautiful butterflies, making the art an exercise of enjoying altered art while catching a glimpse of a huge penis every once in a while . It's like Tyler Durden's Etsy shop. The exhibit is at the Telegraph Hill Gallery.

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In Sweden, artist Carolina Falkholt was commissioned to paint a large mural in a new secondary school (about 7th grade to 10th grade in the US), with the subject related to technology, science and the school's proximity to the sea. What did Falkholt paint? A huge happy vagina! School hasn't started yet, so no fragile little darlings have been damaged by the painted vagina at this time, but people are anxiously wondering what will happen when that time comes. First of all: murals don't go up in twenty minutes; someone saw what was going on and thought, "eh, I trust this artist's sensibility." Second: vagina? Really? Someone better look through their anatomy books: that's a vulva, sir. However, this is evidence of why Sweden is the kind of place I should be living: for one, that they've got artists around who think, "school full of minors? Vagina it is!", and nobody bothered to check with the artist that this wasn't some horrible mistake -- and, finally, rather than swiftly painting over it before anyone could see it, everyone said, "hold on, let's talk about this", including the principal himself, thus getting the artwork into every damned newspaper and news website in Sweden, ensuring every one of the school's future students can take a good, long look at it. Skal, Sweden!

You know this is B.C., because this art is positively sinful. Tablets depicting Mesopotamian doggystyle have been discovered, and "there's a scholarly debate over what purpose the erotic art served." No, fuckers, there's not much to debate about this. The purpose for these, despite any thin veil of religious or artistic respectability, is that people like looking at depictions of sexual acts.

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Everyone knows John Kricfalusi is a famous illustrator who likes to draw sexy girls, but it should be ho surprise that all sorts of cartoonists like to draw babes. First, we have Chris Sanders, who was the designer of Lilo & Stitch:

And here are "54 International Cuties" from Pixar's Josh Cooley and Bill Presing:

Nah, nobody ever questioned that cartoonists like drawing boobs. Just look at what cartoonists did in 1943 -- it's be concerned if illustrators didn't want to draw sexy babes.

The moral of the story: drawing random penises is a bad idea. A guy in Wyoming handed a business card to a female customer -- who then found a hand-drawn penis on the back. The guy claimed he didn't know who drew it, but that still got him fired. Now, his former employer is fighting against his unemployment benefits. So, everyone, this cautionary tale should encourage you to always check things for drawn penises. You never know when you might inadvertently hand someone a business card, fax, divorce paperwork, credit card receipt, or any other piece of paper with dicks drawn all over it.

How hard is it to get rid of a couch that looks like an engorged vulva? Pretty damn hard, it seems. Five days ago, someone posted on the Portland Craigslist that she was selling the vagina loveseat she had made in art school, asking $600. Googling "vagina couch" as I often do, I ran across a listing from 2008 where a woman named Willow was trying to sell the exact same couch in Mendocinco California. Looks like it's tough to sell a vagina couch these days -- not only did Willow fail to find a buyer five years ago, she packed it up and moved it ten hours to the north, where it has been languishing in an unloved corner of her apartment since, probably getting covered in cat fur and old grocery bags and that windbreaker she can't find because it's all shoved down in the folds and is covered in cat hair and grocery bags. At least it wasn't a $20K vagina couch, you're really looking for a specialized buyer there. In Portland, there must be at least twenty people in the sexually-themed furniture market at the under-$1,000 pricetag.

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This appears to be the original picture of Bugs Bunny spanking a bare-assed Lola Bunny while her tits falling out of her tiny t-shirt, but, oh, no, it can't live on as just a silly picture. It has taken on a life of its own as graffiti, an inappropriate tattoo or two, and apparently art for sale in Ohio. Used to be the sexiest thing was when Bugs dressed up as a lady bunny, but this is just taking things too far.

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Origami is the Japanese art of paper folding, and if hentai tells us anything it's that the vulva is one of the most appreciated parts of the human body to the Japanese -- so why not put the two together and make origami vaginas? Better than origami penises, ick, who wants to see that?

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