Halloween Costumes: Cavewoman

Halloween Costumes: Lesbian Witches

Halloween Costumes: Sexy Maid

Halloween Costumes: Republican Worldview

"That's disgusting, her making me all horny by having her breasts right there - let's cover them up, so nobody can see them, and so they know not to look at them, write 'censored' right across those sweet, tender nipples. Now, nobody will be tempted to look at her chest with lecherous desire anymore, right?"

Halloween Costumes: Sexy Fairy

Would someone please point Sexy Fairy in the right direction? She appears to be lost out in the barn.

Halloween Costumes: Sarah Palin

Halloween Costumes: Witch, Priest, Slut

This gallery gets just as hardcore as you'd expect (with some pretty funny pics, actually) - a priest (I hope he's been tested), a witch, and a chick-in-red-generic-slut costume end up in the bedroom. It proves, yet again, that going to a halloween party as a nun or priest is the most likely way to get laid.

Halloween Costumes: Slutty Fairy

"Hey, there, fairy, what sort of magic powers do you have?""Any guy who takes me upstairs and fingerbangs me gets his wishes granted!"

Halloween Costumes: Snow White

Fat Chicks Do The Nasty

Chubby chasers, have faith - overweight women are just as sexually active as anybody else. Wear a raincoat, though: overweight women are at higher risk for unintended pregnancy. As far as risks go, it's not much worse than sleeping with any old skinny skank you might meet at the bars, but it sure keeps your options open.

Vatican: Sex Tests For Padres

As a means of further streamlining the types of personalities that can become Catholic priests, the Vatican is going to issue voluntary tests to weed out those with uncontrollable sexual urges, uncertain sexuality, or homosexual urges. So, if you're a well-rounded, positively masculine, absolutely-certain heterosexual (but not too assertive about it, or certain to the point of 'rigidity of character') who can eliminate his libido through nothing more than prayer and will, you're perfect to be a priest. Anyone else, go check with the Anglicans, they'll hire anybody.

Confusion Abounds in WA

A land developer in Olympia has become fed-up with the environmentalists' requirements that he handle the wetlands properly before he can build his new supermarket. The problems are mounting, so the guy is about to throw in the towel and go with Plan B: he'll build a sex emporium instead if his permits don't get approved. Now, I think he's just confusing the deciders a bit...now, wetlands are good, but sex emporiums are good too...what's a poor, liberal Olympian to do?

Careful Where You Stick It

It's a recurring warning, but for God's sakes, don't stick your dick into anything that doesn't stretch, such as a 1" x 1" chunk of 1/4" steel pipe, or else some lucky fireman will have to cut it off you. The 73-year-old guy with the homemade jewelry first hoped they'd come along with the ring-cutter, but the 'ring' he had on wasn't exactly 14-karat gold. They needed some super-powered tools, a hand-held 'whizzer' saw designed for cutting through automobile parts. After careful manipulation, they guy was free, and set loose to keep sticking his dick places where it doesn't belong.

Brazil: Hookers Be Safe!

Brazil, one of those excellent countries who not only have legalized prostitution but have begun to support their sex-workers, has offered advice on its website on how hookers can be safe, profitable, and negotiate safer sex practices. Sorry, anti-prostitution groups say: the explicit content on the website borders on pornography, and promotes prostitution, so parts of the website will be toned down. How dare the Ministry of Work support a legal business! It's downright obscene! We need prostitutes to struggle and be subject to abuse and disease in order to feel like the moral superior: when escorts begin to make a prof! it and are safer from disease and violence, how am I supposed to look down at them? It's awfully hard when your moral viewpoint isn't supported by the truth around you. Don't worry, anti-prostitution Brazilians: there's plenty of prudes in the U.S. who are on your side. Too bad they're all idiots, too.

Young Wives: Sluts!

Well, it's young wives and old men, hopefully not together (well, I guess that'd be OK: old guys gotta have fun somehow). While the overall scale of infidelity is pretty stable, the ends of the bell curve are turned upwards. infidelity in young couples and old couples have jumped quite a bit. And what's causing it? "increasing availability of pornography on the Internet...may be playing a role in rising infidelity." BASTARDS! That little bit of information isn't supported by any doctor's statements (unlike other quotes in the article), and it doesn't really say how it translates to adultery other than adjusting 'normal' sexual expectations. That should have an ! increase in BDSM, not adultery, because adultery is relatively normal according to other quotes in the article. Tara Parker-Pope of the New York Times, what makes you so anti-porn?

Evangelicals: Sluts

Evangelical teens are among the loudest to decry sex before marriage, and claim that they won't find it pleasurable, but - who knew? - evangelicals tend to be quite sexually active, with girls losing virginity around 16. The article has a good description of the differences between conservative and liberal sex: Liberals say, "have fun, be safe, don't get pregnant"; conservatives say, "don't do it at all, but when you screw up, don't worry, we take care of our own." The pairing that appears to work best would be a cross-lines pairing: the liberal will make sure things are done safe, and the conservative will be the one who's ready to hop into bed at the drop of a hat. Everybody wins!

Sex Drive / H.S. Musical Mixup

Back to Utah, are we? A movie theatre in Utah (who, presumably, won't play Zach & Miri Make a Porno) switched theatres between Sex Drive and High School Musical 3. Oops - they forgot to physically move the film, and thus a bunch of unsuspecting children were subjected to the first few minutes of Sex Drive while half-stoned college students presumably watched High School Musical 3 in its entirey without noticing. Parents, of course, didn't simply accept the mix-up and find their way to the correct theatre - they bitched management out and got free stuff, because everybody was traumatised b! y the nudity that appeared on screen during those first fleeting minutes of Sex Drive, particularly the parents. As things usually go, I'm sure the kids were more traumatised by their parent's ensuing nudity-related freakout, thus further damaging their Mormon-tainted morality.

Red: Get The Guy

That 'little red dress' fetish might not be all in your head. Red, as far as colors go, makes men more receptive to a woman. I'd like to think it's why there's such a predominance of redheads on this website, too. Now, that Sesame Street Elmo costume you wear might help a little, but, sorry, it'll primarily only work on other furries.

DST: Sleep, not Sex

When Daylight Savings Time brings us a boon like an extra hour of night-time, over half of men would like to spend that hour having sex. Women, however, aren't so receptive: they'd rather sleep than have sex. When you don't draw gender lines, it's pretty much even, but that doesn't mean something can't be worked out. As long as she doesn't mind a little jostling, both sides can get what they want, right?

Deep Throat Director Dies

Gerard Damiano, the porn director behind one of the key movers in the porn chic genre, has passed away at age 80. Damiano was a former hairdresser who got into B-movies for fun, a trail which eventually led him to direct Deep Throat - one of the most profitable films of all time, but Damiano's connection with the mob for financing cut him out of the loop, and like the stars he didn't make much from it. He stuck with the porn industry, despite the pushing of obscenity laws in response to Deep Throat, and worked into the '90s. Damiano had experienced a stroke last month, and finally succumbed on the 25th of Octob! er.

Punk Threesome Bathtime

OK, there's nothing worse than an unorganized group bubble bath - what they need is somebody to be in charge, and I'm the dick to do it. First: pissed-looking-girl-with-the-puffies, you eat out scared-looking-exotic-girl-with-the-tattoo. Next, pink-haired-pierced-chick, stick that ass in the air, because I'm fucking you from behind while I watch the other two. See, was that so complicated? It's sure a good thing I was here.

Maybe Nude = Arrested!

A woman on a train in Utah - yes, Utah again - was taken off a train by the Transit Authority and "questioned" regarding whether she was wearing appropriate leg-coverings. Accusations had been made by other riders that the woman was riding the train without any pants on. Turns out, they were abso-fucking-ly right: she had absolutely no pants on, but she had on a miniskirt that blended in with the long coat she was wearing. She was instead turned over to the Fashion Police, who told her that if it was that freakin' cold, wear a longer skirt.

End Marriage With Fire

If you're getting cold feet, you're better off just running away from the church and pretending you got stuck in traffic or abducted by aliens. Setting fire to the building isn't the best option. Little did he know, that a pissed-off woman in a wedding dress is the most dangerous land animal in the world.

Sex At Work: 20%

One in five British subjects fucks somebody else at work, in the literal sense. Now, when looking at the math, you can't really have one in five having sex, so it's better said to be two out of ten. Next time there's a company meeting or an employee birthday cake, survey your surroundings: if you haven't had workplace sex, pick 9 other people, and you can assume at least two of 'em have bumped uglies on the conference room table. Know what this means? You're missing out, loser.

Utah: Fucked Up Morals

Here's a perfect example of what's fucked up with American conservatism.
Megaplex Theatres refused to book the Weinstein Company's new R-rated comedy "Zack and Miri Make a Porno," starring Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks, saying it's too raunchy for religious, conservative audiences...Asked why Megaplex has no problem showing the R-rated, ultra-violent "Saw V," which shows a man forced to crush his own hands to escape a pendulum cutting him in half, Gunderson said: "No comment."
Jesus christ, people; and the sad, sad thing is that this attitude isn't just a Utah thing. Sex in movies: "oh, no, that's too much, what if it gives kids ideas?" Violence in mo! vies: "oh, even young children understand consequences and know not to burst each others' eyeballs for fun." That is so ass-backwards that my head's going to explode.

Really Loves her MacBook Air

Geez, woman - I know that Mac is coming out with a new sexy laptop, but you shouldn't goo up your MacBook Air just yet. Mac masturbation needs to be done responsibly, young lady.

Free Porn On In-Car TV

How lucky can this guy be? While working at his delivery job, the rear-view TV system in Dirkan Ohnayan's car began displaying unsolicited pornography. Me, I've gotta look for it online or rent it at the dirty bookstore, but somehow, in some Ontario suburb, pornography is beamed directly into people's cars. That makes Canada only three steps away from a perfect society where porn is zapped directly into people's brains, thus removing all erotic reasons to leave the house.

Nude Biathlon Calendar

Canadian biathlon (biathlon?) athletes are doing what every young, athletic women from progressive countries do: fundrasing through nudity. The calendar itself is probably worth the money, but you may have another incentive to buy it: when you're visiting Canada, and a young lady skates up to you with a gun and says, "buy my nude pictures," it doesn't matter how hot she is, you do it.

Marriage = Hot Sex?

According to a Church of England website, you get the most poon in your life when you're married. Well, I suspect they mean with your wife, which may be the equivalent of trading in the high-priced candy store for a lifetime supply of Twizzlers. Not that Twizzlers are bad, mind you, but sometimes everyone needs to taste some European dark chocolate. Anyhow, we all know that clergy of any church are high on most people's "gettin' laid the most" list, so they seem to be a trusted source. If they're not making stuff up, take it ! as a sign for your faith: the Church of England promises to get you laid more than any other church.

UK Ruining Future

The U.K. may be one of the only places that allows human DNA to be inserted into infertile animal embryos, but not for long - the fear of humanzees and minotaurs has Brits screaming, "NO!", without realizing just how totally awesome that would be. I mean, who doesn't want a minotaur? I mean, they're a cow with fuckin' arms - they could mow the lawn, carry lumber, defend our ports from terrorists, and when their usefulness has been exhaused, they provide the tenderest steaks ever, due to all the virgin princesses they devour. Oh, that last part I didn't think about. I wonder if virgin humanzee princesses work. Two birds with one stone! Stupid po! pulist anti-geneticists.

Tom Jones Is Back

Holy crap, women's panties are quivering with excitement: Tom Jones, venerable swoon-inducing force, has a new album out, and his first single is hitting the airwaves. The song is called "If He Should Ever Leave You", and you can listen to it here. Women with heart problems, diabetes, and women who may be or are intending to become pregnant should consult a physician first.

Too Ugly To Work

Here's a warning: if you're too ugly, you're going to be unemployed, even if it's not your fault. You deliberately ugly people, with your sharpied-eyebrows and bad goatees, you've got no excuse, so pull up your pants and cover your embarassing tattoos, and you might not have so much to complain about: at least you're not the guy in the article, who's ugly and can't help it!

Gay Sibling = Sluts!

There appears to be a correlation between being gay and having slutty siblings, according to new research. The more sexual partners a person had, the more likely to have a gay sibling. The numbers guy in me then wonders if the problem is not frequency, but how vocal they are - people who view sex as less vital to their life will have fewer partners but also be more likely to still be closeted. Any which way, if you've got a gay friend, make sure they have a hot sister - it'll pay off, because the science says so.

Explosive Prime-Time TV

All is quiet, you're the only person in the house, you settle on the couch for a few minutes of television. You aim the remote and - KABOOM - you're now sitting on your front yard looking like Wile E Coyote. A undetected propane leak in a Montana home did just that, making it past such things as lights turning on, until the hapless homeowner tried to watch some television. Good thing: she survived. They make 'em tougher in Montana.

Palin on a Dead Bear

Poor Sarah Palin: everyone wants to see her nude. Now, if you're in Chicago and can crawl down to the Old Town Ale House, you can get a glance of her Alaskan cooter. Apparently, the guy who painted her actually likes Palin, and wanted to portray in all her gloray, a'la Venus on a Halfshell. Except, it's Palin on a Dead Bear. Close enough, I guess.

For Novelty Uses Only

They're 'for novelty purposes' for a reason: they're highly poisonous, thanks to Chinese production quality. Melamine, killer of dogs and babies, is now killing another natural resource: perverts. Those sexy flavored body cremes, made by the cheapest bidder, are showing up with dearly melamine inside. Well, nobody has actually died, and the levels are quite low, but it still goes to show that, no matter what it's flavored, Chinese things don't do in the mouth.

Emily's Wet T-Shirt Bath

Emily is having some trouble in the bath: she forgot to undress before hopping in the suds. She's in luck, though - I'm perfectly capable of peeling her sopping clothes from her wet skin without any trouble. I'm just that kind of nice guy:

Hitler: Sexiest Motherfucker

British women find the Germans the sexiest men ever. British women are so hot for guys with a powerful "third reich" that she's ready take a direct hit from herr sexalot's massive, throbbing V2 in her tight, cramped bomb shelter and experience a blitzkreig...wait, what, too soon?

Bartending Bare Boobed

Once again (see also), some young lady forgot to wear clothes before showing up to work. Lady bartenders, as you might expect, get more tips the fewer clothes they wear, so this gal figured, why not go without altogether? Here's why: if some idiot ruins everybody's fun and complains to the cops, you're gonna get your ass arrested. Too bad.

Semi-Nude = Obscene

Montana, once a bastion of libertarian ideals, is tightening the cock ring like the rest of the U.S. A measure is in the works which will make even semi-nude establishments be determined a "sexually oriented business", thus restricting where it may operate. It's not too far off how the rest of the repressed America, but they point out two other businesses will be affected. Let's see: regularly displaying semi-nude entertainment counts, so it would have to be any movie theatre that shows R-rated movies? The Hollywood Video down the street where you can rent Revenge of the Nerds and National Lampoon's Vacation? Oh, it's not that nudity is the problem: I'll bet the other businesses affected are sex-toy stores, because we! all know that they're the problem with humanity today.

Porn: You Hate Your Gal

The Times Online has a list for guys to pay attention to: "Ten things to know before you watch porn with your girlfriend." Well, I'd have expected #1 to be, "the girlfriend is fine, but don't let your wife find out about her!", but that'd be a juvenile reaction to the assumption that married people wouldn't expect to watch porn together. Or, for that matter, the assumption that married people would be confused about how to broach the subject with their partner. To that problem, the answer is: "the woman is a self-conscious, hostile, porn-hating woman, so try and minimise her discomfort." If that's the case, you may not want to jump into watching porn with her, much like how an ass-! averse gal shouldn't have a dick shoved in her pooper without some prior planning. If you're missing comfort and cooperation in your love life, get that set first. Then you can rent Fisting Squirters 57. Aw, hell, rent it anyway, but don't tell her about it; it's worth the money.

Sex Workers and the Retarded

The headline is "Sex workers sometimes help intellectually disabled", and all I have to say is: we know Republicans pay for whores; it's been all over the news for years! Hey-o!

NOOO!! Church Burns Porn

In a horror not seen since the Spanish Inquisition, a library of enormous historical content has been destroyed by a church. In this case: a hundred reels of 70's and 80's pornography found in a drive-in theatre went into the fire. The church, who bought the drive-in, chose morals over income, because a hundred reels of 35mm or 70mm full-length pornographic films would probably be worth in the six-figure range on the open market, depending on content and 'quality'. I do call 'publicity stunt' on this: a drive-in theatre would be very unlikely to have hundreds of pornographic films lying around (they couldn't show them on a giant public screen), and t! hey expect us to believe that nobody noticed the films just lying around even though the drive-in was still operating until last spring, and the church bought the drive-in in order to show wholesome, family flicks. They probably bought some moldy 8mm stag reels off eBay and used them as a symbolic representation of what they were trying to do. A church manipulating symbolism to promote their new business venture? Jesus would be proud.

Vacuum Fucking In Public

A Michigan man was arrested for "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum", which appears to be such a problem that Michigan specifically has laws against it. The police were probably just having fun by describing it that way to the press; the actual law was most likely something along the lines of "appliance rape" (can a vacuum give consent?). If it were illegal to have sex specifically with a vacuum cleaner, in general, wouldn't the coin-op vacuums at the car wash count as prostitution?

Best Albums Ever

I've always been partial to Fark, so I believe I can trust them when they do a poll for the greatest album ever. One of the most glaring aspect is proof that Farkers are old: most of the recommendations are at least 30 years old, and skew towards prog rock and classic metal...although I have to admit that the records listed from the page 15-20 years are all dead on. FatBoy Slim's You've Come a Long Way, Baby... FTW, was rather disappointed at the lack of New Wave selections (what, no Devo?), and I was happily reminded of albums that I hadn't seen or heard in a while, like Jane's Addiction's ! Nothing's Shocking. May be time to fire up Limewire again...

Australia: Best Gas Stations Ever

Australia has the best convenience stores ever: you can buy hardcore porn when filling your car. The government, of course, is going to ruin the fun by cracking down on magazines that emphasize extreme naughtiness or the youngness of their models. Bastards.

Dolemite = Dead

Rudy Ray Moore, bizarre poet and horrible actor, has passed away. You may remember Rudy from the Dolemite series of films, making his strange career one to really ingrain blaxploitation in the B-movie-campiness category - not that it's a bad thing, his movies are excellent, and I'm surprised I don't have any of his vinyl around. Really, he's one of those guys who was pretty old in the seventies, and you're surprised he was still around. See you later, Dolemite.

35 Years Of 45s

Nieman Marcus has got the shit: every top 100 single from 1955 through 1990. Their price: $275,000. First of all, it appears that they're the actual, original pressings, which kicks ass. Secondly, with over 18,000 disks, you'll probably need around 180 classic Wurlitzer jukeboxes to hold them all. Surprisingly, you cannot buy an authentic 45-playing Wurlitzer jukebox from Nieman Marcus.

Porn DVDs Dying Off

Playboy is terminating their DVD production arm, because online is the way to go. It's always wise to go where the customers are, and if there's anything the internet has is people interested in looking at naked women doing naughty things. The DVD end wasn't just a forward-looking thing for Playboy: They suffered a two-million-dollar loss last quarter, and somebody had to go.

Who's Nailin' Paylin?

If you want to see some of the real hard-core stuff from the Nailin' Paylin movie (and what red-blooded American doesn't want to see what looks like the V.P. candidate getting D.P'ed by two fine American cocks?), here you go:

Free Tattoo Canvas

Marcos Paiz is going to learn the hard way that you get what you pay for. The dude is offering up his body as a tattoo practice canvas, in hopes of getting his torso covered completely by tattoos. Now, I've seen tattooists at work, and ones who produce even passably mediocre tattoos are practicing all day long on other customers. Mr. Paiz is going to be sorely disappointed when he permanently looks like crap and catches Hepatitis B from a amateur tattooist who can't get a gig any other way but to ink some loser who put an ad in the paper for free tattoos.

Palin Stripper Beauty Contest

Sarah Palin came in second in the Miss Alaska contest, like, fifty years ago, but her natural beauty will strut the runway yet again: the Club Paradise Men's Club in Las Vegas is hosting a Sarah Palin Lookalike Beauty Contest, hoping that the contestants will strip it all off. The winner will get to attend the inaguration next January, unlike the real Sarah Palin, who will be reduced to crying in her bedroom closet, snuggling a ratty old flannel blanket.

Kylie James' Bathtime Problem

Kylie's got a problem: all she wants to do is relax in the tub, but washing herself is so much work. Lathering up the hair, reaching every bit of her skin from her toes to her nose; it's almost like she needs an assistant to get her all lathered up. I mean, I'm not doing anything right now, if she needs that sort of 'help'...we'll work out the payment arrangements when I'm done:


Long the subject of unbelievable photos, Denny's Beer Barrel Pub has been baffling competitive eaters for years by offering a week's worth of food in one sitting. Brad Sciullo took on the 20-pound burger and finished it in around four hours. The so-called 'Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser', at twenty pounds, is larger than a newborn baby, nearly every housecat, three gallons of water, is the unit of size for bags of concrete and ice-melters, and is only slightly smaller than my dick.

Porn Star In Mainstream

Steven Soderberg, the artsy and risk-taking director of sex, lies and videotape and Ocean's Eleven, has delved into a normally off-limits pool of actors for his new film, The Girlfriend Experience. Former AVN Performer of the Year and porn starlet Sasha Grey has been cast in the lead, showing that porn isn't the realm of nobodys and bad actors. While, like much of television, bad actors abound in porn due to the low weight of 'acting ability' in performers, there's nothing to say that a porn actor is guaranteed to be a bad actor. Nina Hartley, Traci Lords, and Ron ! Jeremy have had moderate success moving into mainstream films. Harley and Lords have had dramatic successes in supporting roles, but porn stars tend to get roles where "it's funny to have a pornstar in that role" or cast as parodies of themselves, and top billing is usually above the acting 'glass ceiling' for them. This is a remarkable event for a director of Soderberg's stature to recognize talent in a business that tattooes a scarlet letter on anybody who takes a little dick in the process of their art.

Viva Viagra Missile = BAD

Driving a missile around New York City won't get you into trouble, but violating a trademark sure will. Political protestor Arye Sachs painted the phrase "Viva Viagra" across a replica missile and drove it around town, distributing politically-themed condoms. No go, said the courts: "people would mistake the missile for a Pfizer-approved ad." Wait, really? Pfizer, however, has since launched a series of animated commercials featuring 'Stiffy', the Viagra-popping Minuteman Missile. The similarity to Sachs' protest is circumstantial they say: Pfizer cl! aims they got the idea from the Nasonex bee, because that god-damned bee is so fucking sexy.

Beware of Flying Objects

Usually it's money flying out of my pockets at a strip club, but in this guy's case it was a poorly-fastened shoe flung across a room, hitting a mirror, and showering him with glass. Of course, he's suing, citing the strip club employee's poor safety procedures. The glass caused minor bleeding, but hurt the guy's pride even moreso, at least $15,000 worth of hubris damage. I don't think most guys realize that a strip club is worse than a biker bar. You're risking bodily harm going there, but unlike a biker bar you can't touch back. Porn has desensitized guys to what it's actually like to watch women gyrate in person.

Naughty Science

Sometimes scientists are just too nerdy to see what they're doing. Jacks of Science have compiled a list of unintentionally sexual diagrams and titles of scientific abstracts. My favorite: From hairy balls to hairy rods. I don't need to read any more than that!

Sex = Hassle, Death

An obviously brain-damaged and insane woman says that sex is too much trouble. Londoner Clara Meadmore blames celibacy for her extended life: her horrible, horrible sexless life. At 105, I'd have to say she's had plenty of time to think about it, so I don't know where this comes from. I admit, I'm speaking from my own point of view; I can't get into an asexual headspace, so if I had to live a century without any sweet, sweet loving, I'd have ended it long before.

Pole Dancing Clinic: OK!

A young lady wanted to open her own business, promoting health and physical well-being. The only thing is, she wanted to do it through pole-dancing, and the local government decided it was too sexy for their town. A couple appeals later, it was determined that nobody was going to watch it to get off, and everybody was clothed, so pole-dancing ladies get to shake their stuff in hopes of losing a little weight while "SeXXXercising". Like I always say, learning a new skill is never a bad thing!

Porn: Not Educational

When researching your master's thesis on the economic effects of ethanol conversion on food prices, pornographic magazines should be the last place to look. In a survey of 130 Thai porn rags, researchers found the magazines largely produced false and misleading information regarding human sexuality and bodies. In a similar vein, I am preparing my dissertation on how comic books provide an unreasonable description of human mutations and alien lifeforms. Oh, how fantasies offend my rational mind.

Hookers = Sex Addict

A sex researcher and former prostitute says prostitution is an addition to the lifestyle, which is probably 50% hyperbole and 50% making shit up, but that's OK I suppose. Like smoking, prostitution is a nice way to legislate people's behavior without actually fixing anything, because neither are considered dire problems. Call it what you will - moral depravity, slavery, addiction - nobody's trying to make anything better, least of all exaggerations like this.

Playboy's Art Auction

Are your old Playboys getting a bit too worn and 'sticky' from overuse? You can put some of that old illustration art on your wall, if you find your way to tomorrow's Art of Beauty auction. Playboy has enlisted Heritage Auctions to do the dirty work, and they've got the 17-item catalog online for viewing. Prices are, as I expected, appropriate for the quality and provenance of the art, but out of the reach of a vintage Playboy wanker like me.

Serra Paylin's Debut

We heard that Hustler was hiring a Sarah Palin pornstar lookalike, and now we get to meet her. Billed as "Serra Paylin", in the fine tradition of LOLCat pornstar naming, she's obviously quite a bit younger than her namesake, but she does have the squarish jaw, high cheekbones, and smile-lines of the anti-women Alaskan governor. I can only hope she has the accent down; Hustler has deep pockets, enough to hire a dialect coach or two for the young lady to make the resemblance arousingly uncanny. Of course, once you get to the huge breasts and the willingness to fuck hot guys on camera, then the ! similarities starts to break down, but nobody's perfect, and while we can let your pornstars slip by with some imperfections it's a good thing we hold our VP candidates to such high expectations of perfection.

More on Nailin' Palin, which also says Nina Harley, a pal of my Gracie's, is playing Hillary Clinton.

Dodgy Escorts In Trouble

Australian, clearly not understanding what 'escort service' means, has determined that genuine escort services must advertise that sexual services are not provided by their escorts, in order to separate themselves from the "full service" escort services that are sullying the name of escorts everywhere. The 'wink-wink-nudge-nudge' will only get louder, while that one, sad lone non-sexual escort will wonder why, no matter how large she prints 'NO SEX' in her ads, guys still expect a happy ending. On the other hand, there's a class-action consumer protection suit in here. Escort advertises 'no sex', but you get laid by one? That's false advertising, mate.

XKCD and 69

XKCD, a lovely comic known for its humor eclipsing its artistic quality by orders of billions, has tried to explain the numeric basis of sexual positions, using stick figures. Square root of eight, indeed.

Russian Medium Format Gal

Below could easily be a 1970s Eastern Bloc camera advertisement, but it's actually some modern-day Russian porn with a classy medium-format camera included as a prop. That camera is a СалÑÂ

Black Hair, White Suds

Black Angelika doesn't show much of her bathtime, but what she does let us watch is well worth the effort:

Madison Gets Foamy

There's so many suds, I'm afraid Madison is going to get lost in there. I think she needs a guide, someone to hold her hand, pull her close if anything gets dangerous:
More here.

Non-Bar Girlie Markets

Want to meet a gal, but aren't a big enough of a souse to do it in a bar? Asylum magazine has the answers for you. Least likely: Nail salon. If there's anything that commercials for The Mentalist have taught me, it's that toenail care equals the gay.

Pentax K2000

Pentax has a new K-model camera out: the K2000. If you're like me, you've got a K1000 collecting dust in the closet because it's not digital and you wish it was because you've got a bunch of kick-ass lenses. The K2000 is a good replacement for your old film camera, because it has a K-mount base, meaning those lenses from the seventies will fit the new digital camera. The istD was the precursor, which also had a K-mount body, but the K2000 is a definite upgrade in technology and resolution. Stupid drawback: the K2000 has the same small sensor as the istD, which means your lens focal length is messed up. When other high-end cameras are going to full-size sensors, why wouldn't Pentax do it? It's a small change to give a camer! a a high-end flavor.

Katy Perry In Doll Form

If you have kissed a girl and you liked it, you could buy yourself a Katy Perry Realdoll and replay the event in your mind over and over and over. Blackbook tried to get one, but were turned down, so all they can do it go with the Barbie-sized Katy Perry doll. Sure, you can't fuck it, but I'm sure you can pose it to hug your penis, and isn't that all men really want, a tiny, tiny woman to hug your penis?

Palin Porn Star Wanted

A Craigslist post was looking for a very specific porn star: she must be a Sarah Palin lookalike. Geeks are really, really hoping the only applicant is Tina Fey. In fact, I'll bet a Tina Fey lookalike pornstar would be one of the most valuable properties in all of porndom. Palin herself has a career to fall back on if she doesn't get elected: Hef wants her to pose. Maybe Palin could be the Tina Fey lookalike porn star - it all fits together!

Glamour Shots

I can imagine working at Glamour Shots can get pretty boring, spending your days prettying-up non-models:
But HOLY HELL, once in a while some lady makes it the GREATEST JOB IN THE FUCKING WORLD:
(just kidding - most Glamour Shots photographers work in porn already, so a pair of tits is no surprise.)