A Change Of Scenery

I've heard of Fantasuites like it was an imaginary gag on some sitcom -- but I'll be damned if it isn't the real deal. Now, I'm sure there's gonna be a billion blogs out there giving FantaSuite crap for being 'weird' and 'perverted' -- and it's easy to see why when they give stuff like this -- it looks like a bad porn scifi set:
But, come on -- if you're looking for a fun place to go fuck, the Holiday Inn Express might be smart for business travelers and their escorts, but it's not exactly a hot venue. An Egyptian Temple? The hood of a '73 Delta '88? It's a freakin' Delta 88 -- those have practically conceived 10% of Gen Y'ers out there. The best fantasy suite I ever fucked in was one that looked like a trashy 1970s motel just off the interstate...and, by god, it was a trashy 70s motel just off the offramp. Those places are the kind you run across accidentally; not everyone has all that luck, so Fantasuites fills in the void in people's love lives.

Shayla Model in the Bath

Young lady Shayla Model isn't afraid to get her long, dark hair wet while she suds up in the bath.

Bettie Page, 1956

These photos were scanned from Amateur Screen and Photography, June 1956. It's a rather commonplace 'photographer's figure-study educational magazine', which just happens to gave a lot of nudes in uncomfortable poses gracing nearly every page.Bettie Page, late in her career, spent a lot of time in Florida with Bunny Yeager and her friends. One of those friends, a photographer named Jan Caldwell, took these photos. Caldwell is credited; Bettie Page is not named specifically, but the provenance of photographer, time period, and resemblance makes for a pretty good positive ID. Oh, in case you were wondering: the lesson in these photos is that models with a naturally dark complexion are "a delight for the photographer who uses natural lighting." A delight indeed!

Topless by the Door

Maybe she's waiting to surprise the mailman; sitting next to an open door is asking to be seen by somebody...but that may just be what this young lady wants.

Sexy Movie Space Babes

Dark Roasted Blend has an excellent set of images documenting hot space babes from film and TV -- and it's not Star-Trek-hottie variety this time. Barbarella, of course, is heavily represented. I never saw U.F.O., but, damn, purple-haired alien chicks are hotter than I expected. We should all savor the 1960s female liberation that defined sexy, huge-breasted women as a sign of a better future!

Lindsay Lohan's Marilyn Monroe Tribute

Who's copying Marilyn Monroe now? It's Lindsay Lohan, nearly unrecognizable, copying the poses in Marilyn Monroe's notorious Last Sitting. Lohan has seemed to be on the same track as Monroe, what with the notoriety for fast living than her talent -- and, as we see below, her tits:Not that we haven't gotten glimpses of the Lohan girls before...

The New Fifty Guitars - Disco's Greatest Hits

The lovely lady below was photographed by Don Lee for Springboard/Musicor for the cover of a Snuff-Garrett-free 50 Guitars album that appears to be the group's last release. The music really isn't all that bad -- a bit better than musak, but a bit softer than the disco it hoped to be. What could reflect the sense, feeling, and lust of the Disco era, as embodied by guitar arrangements?An acre of b-cup cleavage from a grumpy/lusty model who doesn't seem to have ever held a guitar before? Aces! That access strip up the middle is for convenience -- flipping up a skirt to access underneath is relatively easy, but when you're trying to get at some gal's tits and her dress has a brazillion little buttons up the center you're delayed in your objectives. With this dress, the instructions are simple: insert thumbs below breasts, lift outward. Excelsior! That one on the right is a half-inch from escaping on its own anyway.

American Apparel's Body Suits

I found myself browsing some blog and was intrigued by some body-hugging clothes in a banner ad. Now, I'm not opposed to clicking an ad when it catches the eye, so I went and had a look. It's American Apparel's website for "one pieces". Now, at first glance I figured it was dance-wear or something for housewives to wear to Curves, but it seems fashion-sense has regressed to the eighties. Proper fashion now means women can wear just spandex and a skirt, thus exposing every curve while causing great delays in the ladies' room.Not that I have a problem with women's curves -- the website has a hot selection of naturally-shaped models.Personally, I'd much rather see a little belly through spandex than count every rib -- a little shape on a gal isn't a problem. It's also nice to be honest -- you squeeze an average gal into lingerie that looks great on a leggy 100lb, 5"3" model, and you're asking for trouble. Show that your sexy clothes look good on a less-than-supermodel body, and, well:HOLY FREAK ON A STICK she's hot. Don't get all mean on the un-perky boobs smooshed in spandex; that's proof you've never touched real breasts in your life. Ladies, stop trying to look all pointy and plastic -- it's not what gets us guys. Round, soft, beckoning, and slutty...that's what gets us up and ready.Now, for the quasi-porn: Go through any of the body-clinging products, and click the "More views" (or just click on the big picture). A new window will pop up with a series of photos of various models, each looking like the first photo of an amateur softcore porn set.Oh, she's sexy, and she's wearing clothes -- but not for long! The winner: the upper-right-hand-photo in the thong-unitard set. That ass needs to feel the touch of a strong man.Update: here's the banner ad:

Phone Sex Ads of the Eighties

Here's some more phone sex ads (see previous) -- these are later, from a 80's Hustler (I only read it for the articles, of course). Unlike the earlier ads, these are full color, which only enhances the, um, quality of the wares presented for sale.
The "service that makes you feel special" sounds more like free continental breakfast and dry cleaning at Holiday Inn...the use of replacing parts of words with the word "cum" lets you know that you're in for somethin more like going out for coffee with people from the office than jizzing on the phone while listening to a woman finger herself.
She's a Beverly Hills sexpot! See the books and the chess set? She's smart, and she's got deep sexual secrets! That equals money, smarts, and batshit insane because of sexual repression -- she sounds fun, but don't tell her your real name.
Before you get to excited, take a closer look -- this babe is sitting on the toilet. And, no, the cover's not closed -- she's actually relieving herself, while on the phone. Not that there's anything wrong with it, if you're into that kind of thing, but if you're not and you were just looking for a quick phone-sex call, she'd teach you pretty quick to check the ads closer.
Come on, buy one of her pictures -- she can't even afford a freakin' chair or desk for her office! That can't possibly be comfortable.
Don't ask me what she's doing there -- I had to really up the contrast just to see anything, and it looks like she's trying to hop over a too-taught garden hose. Or maybe it's a rake handle, possibly a handle of a space. Whatever horticultural implement, it must feel good, as she's got a horny look on her face. Gardening does that to women, or so I've been told.
This last one looks like it could have come from one of today's magazines -- simple, universal text, generic, sexy gal: it's almost preferable to the rest even though I need to remember that this lady, in her twenties when this photo was taken in the 70s or early 80s, is almost my mom's age now. Creepy. If you were just online looking for some hot photos, and found this phone sex ad that looks strangely like your mom, well...if it's any consolation, I'd do her -- hard -- if she still looks anything like this photo. You're welcome.

I Pledge Allegiance

I'm torn when it comes to this website: sure, there's a huge amount of patriotic tits there, but the huge amount of tinfoil-hat crazy makes me a little uncomfortable. So, if you do decide to visit that link, you'll to better just to look at the pictures. Trust me, your sanity will thank you.
My flagpole is at full mast -- these three can salute it the best way they know how!

Buy a Video Camera, Meet A Porn Star

I caught this floating around those 'old ads' newsgroups, so I don't know where it's from, but I couldn't let it go by:
Given its Penthouse tie-in, I assume it was an ad that appeared in that magazine. According to the ad, if you shell out twelve-hundred bucks, you not only get the camera with VTR (no all-in-ones back then), you'll get to meet and film a Penthouse Pet. First, I gotta say 'wow', because it's a far leap from today: buy a Blu-Ray DVD player, get to meet the cast of a hi-def porn film? Conservatives everywhere would freak out -- DVDs are for proper family fun, not watching porn, right? Back in the seventies, Akai knew what videotape was for, and the relaxed attitude towards porn was seen as a cultural asset.That gal in the picture? According to the small text at the bottom, she's Lynn Partington, the Penthouse Pet for December 1971.