There's a million ways people predict who's going to be president -- exit polls, social media buzz, hashtags, blind luck...but if you look at the sex toy industry, it looks like we've got a Hillary vs Trump election this year.

Trump, of course, is ready-made to be transformed into a plastic bag full of hot air; sales of the Trump sex doll are actually going to help support refugees, so it's not just a fun toy, but a way to help those disadvantaged by people with the same political leanings as Mr. Trump:

Sadly, the Trump blow-up doll was made by an artist called "Saint Hoax", so if it were real (there's no way to buy them at the moment, and all traces have been removed from St Hoax's Instagram), there's no way to buy them now. They seemed to be orafice-less, and at the very least had a tiny, tiny penis that didn't show up in photographs, which I'll let you take inference of.

Hillary has long been the subject of sexist, misogynist "satire" toys, like the nut-crackers that have been around for decades, so there's plenty of precedence leading up to the Hillary Clinton sex doll.

These first came out for the 2008 election and the fact that I can't find a single photo of this blow-up doll inflated and ready-to-use is probably a good sign that nobody has ever bought one, or at least the bachelor-party gift-recipient merely smiled politely while their friends guffawed and then tossed it in a closet. The company also makes a wind-up masturbating Hillary, designed by someone who has never seen a naked woman before.

Also from Pipedream is the Barack Obama sex doll, which, also, has never been photographed outside of its original packaging:

Note that their tagline is "He Fucked the Economy, Now You CAN Fuck Him Back!" which would indicate there's an ass orifice, but no word on if there's a big, black swinging cock like we all know Obama hides in his slacks.

Back to Trump: early in his campaign, he (unsurprisingly) pissed somebody off enough to make them design and build a Trump butt-plug

The reason given on the page is, "I usually make butt plugs to insult dictators, homophobes and politicians. When I heard Donald Trump's remarks about Mexicans and Latinos from South America I was especially angry."

For the most part, blow-up dolls and other sex toys that look like real people are designed specifically because people want to fuck 'em. Can't get the real Bonnie Rotten? Here's a blowup doll screenprinted with her face and tattoos, almost just as good.

These political blow-up dolls are a different animal altogether: these are effigies, like the straw-filled mannequins hung in middle-eastern squares, with Bush or Obama faces on them, and burned for the cheering masses. The Obama doll above explicitly says it: this guy fucked you over, so now you can fuck him back.

There's nothing sexy about pretending to rape somebody you hate: the Trump, Hillary, and Obama sex dolls aren't genitalia-accurate because that's not the point. The point is anger towards the person, taken out on a inflatable effigy of them. It says something about the culture that makes the effigy: Uniformly across the world effigies are burned, Mexico creates pinatas to beat the crap out of, and America designs effigies you can fuck into submission.

So, the Trump and Hillary dolls may not be an indicator of who's going to win, but instead identifies who everyone's the most afraid of. Jeb! may not have been a great candidate, but he's not so bad that people want to pound his ass or pop him with a needle.

Pretty much everyone who posted about the Trump and Clinton sex dolls recently seem to have missed the point: these aren't interesting, sexy toys to get your rocks off. These are about fear and retaliation. Don't give into that sort of behavior; there's nothing funny about devolving into swinging around your penis to show you're in charge, whether the recipient is plastic or not.

"Yeah, I'll have a couple Dempseys and one of those Ted Williams' ones...for a friend". These sports-branded condoms are up for auction, but it's unlikely they're authorized by the sports legends they're intended to represent. I suppose it's more for plausible deniability -- "no, I bought them for the sports hero on the box, I didn't look at what's inside!" -- than it is to attract buyers, because I think anyone shopping for condoms already has incentive to buy them, regardless of who's on the front.

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Playboy has a new CEO, and he's shaking things up -- to the point that he has said there may be a nude-free future for the venerable men's magazine. Now, if you keep reading, it's pretty clear this is just a salacious quote for an otherwise bland article about rebuilding a brand that has pretty much been reduced to the value of their logo. Come on, nudity is what Playboy is founded on: removing that makes it a Details or GQ magazine, and why would you even hope to try and enter that market? Playboy's strengths are in its combination of writing and nudity, and unless they play to those strengths, the business truly will just become an empty logo. This is the only nude-free Playboy I'm interested in:

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Jaroslav Wieczorkiewicz likes milk -- he thinks it does a body good, especially when splashed over a naked woman's body. Here's an excellent behind-the-scenes-look at how it's done.

Coca-Cola thought it did a body good, too, so they licensed Jaroslav's photos for an ad campaign of their own, emphasizing how their non-lactose-and-vitamin-enhanced milk can enhance a woman's looks.

Unfortunately, that's sexist, Coca-Cola! After numerous negative responses focusing on how using sexy women to sell milk doesn't hit the right demographics -- splash beer and Miller Lite will make Wieczorkiewicz a billionaire -- Coca-Cola has pulled the ads. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but given how most of Coke's profits come from weight-gaining products, and the new milk product is about as natural as soft-serve is (see also their juice products that are about as bad as soda), the response is less about whether milk is good for you than if anything Coca-Cola sells is good for you.

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I am not sure of their motives or their means to the end, but Paper magazine is trying to break the internet by putting heavily photoshopped photos of Kim Kardashian on the cover of their paper magazine. Eh, people need a goal in life, I suppose. But 'break the internet'? Paper has been in the paper world far too long; it takes more than a huge ass -- seriously, they enlarged it to over 1/2 the length of her torso, and that wasp-waist is missing some organs -- to break the internet. Yeah, it's going to get some attention, but to sufficiently break the internet you need images on the scale of THIS. OMG JUST LOOK AT IT I CAN'T EVEN GO IN TO WORK TODAY BECAUSE OF THOSE PICTURES. No Kardashian ass can stand up to that link.

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A Pennsylvania church has bought a billboard to advertise their congregation by announcing God loves sex! Of course he does -- he wants you to have sex with your wife, your wives, your slaves, your dead brother's wives, anyone else willing and able, or even unwilling in the case of slaves and prisoners of war, and, heck, if you're righteous and too drunk to know what's happening, sex with daughters isn't too bad, either.

But this non-denominational church is looking at it through the lens of the Song of Solomon, which is quite interesting, seeing most churches prefer to read it as an allegory, with limited sexual connotation, and a church reading it as straight-up erotica is a nice change. It's my favorite book of the bible, you know.

Of course, other churches have a problem with this. I'm not sure why since, being a Christian sermon, it is unlikely to change the common rote rules about sex that Evangelical Christianity has wrought upon humanity for the past century, so the problem seems to be that this is a "SEX - now that I've got your attention" moment, a grab for attention, which apparently it has worked, so God works in not-so-mysterious-ways sometimes. Hopefully the sermon isn't as sexy as The Notebook, because church parking lots already have enough sinful sex going on.

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If you've browsed the ads in the back of most sex-oriented magazines, you've probably seen an ad for Adam & Eve. I hadn't thought much about the company, but it turns out there's more to the company than just pink dildos and porn DVDs. Adam & Eve has been around since the 70s, and started as a way of distributing birth control, and in the 1980s fought the government crackdown on porn that has helped porn-lovers through today.

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Finland: land of cold, sexy women, and homoerotic postage stamps. I mean, "cold" and "sexy women", not "cold sexy women", and by "homoerotic postage stamps" I mean "homoerotic postage stamps". The nation of Finland is commemorating some guy named "Tom of Finland", probably because he has the country's name in his name, by publishing his big, gay art on postage stamps. There's so much demand for these stamps that the deluge of pre-orders crashed the postal service website. If postage stamps are your thing, as a sidenote, you can buy underwear from Tom of Finland called "Sport Fucker".

Have trouble staying awake while learning how to program computers? Code Babes has the solution for you: they strip every time you get something right. It's like Billy Madison has come to life, complete with Steve Buscemi wearing lipstick! Or, I think so, I didn't actually sign up for the site, I'm not good with computers, let alone programming. Anyhow, this objectification has turned some people off, hence Code Dicks, a counter-website full of douche programmers (otherwise known as Experts-Exchange.com, amirite?) What I think both miss is: if a person is so comfortable with a computer that they want to code, they can reward their success with free internet porn anyway. Maybe the goal is to get 14-year olds behind a NetNanny firewall to learn computers, because the hope for a woman in bra and panties is a long ways from encouraging me to learn how to develop websites or SEO my CSS.

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People get their panties in a bind about GTA's "Hot Coffee" patch or nude mods for Skyrim, or even overtly-porny Japanese video games, but they're nothing new: there was a big market in pornographic Atari games in the eighties, in all their low-res glory. You might think they're lame, but back in those days, if you didn't have Atari porn, you were watching the scrambled Cinemax channel hoping to catch a glimpse of boobs: these games were miles better, if you could trick your parents into buying them for you.

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One of my first posts on this blog was about her, she's in my "Sex Sells" icon and on the 404 page - oh, and she's on one of the most-printed album cover ever. Dolores Erickson was a young model, pregnant and looking for work, when she agreed to pose for the album cover. Years later, millions of guys my age remember her as the cause of our nascent erections, trying to catch a glimpse of the album cover when mom and dad weren't looking. And, dare I say it, she's still sexy as hell, but them I'm a lot older now, too.

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Eye Handy combines two of everyone's favorite things: around-the-house handyman skills, and sexy babes. I think it does an OK job, but I found a number of mistakes in this video.

1. No safety goggles. I can wave artistic license, but they should at least recommend it. Glass bits are worse than sawdust for eyes.
2. She should have put a knot in the wire on the inside of the bottle; this prevents the wires from coming loose from the socket if the cord gets yanked. Also, a grommet to protect the cord from the sharp glass edges would be better.
3. "If the light doesn't turn on, your have the wires backwards"? Wire direction prevents the socket from being 'live' even though the switch is off, lightbulbs light up either way.
4. No mention of how the socket is mounted to the rest of the lamp; that's asking for the wire to get bent or twisted or otherwise compromised, or at the very least to cause the lampshade to randomly flop over sideways. In fact, nothing is really attached to anything else, aside from the stopper.
5. They put the shade on underneath the socket; now the bulb is an extra couple inches higher. You can see when they turn it on that the bulb is almost sticking out of the top of the lampshade. That shade had a built-in mount that fits on the top of the light socket...if they bought the right kind of socket.
6. Where's the light switch? If it's on the socket, the shade placement makes it difficult to get to.

Sorry, Eye Handy - I really want to like your site, but I can see underwear models without getting instructions for building a mildly-dangerous lamp. Hopefully the rest are better.

PS: go watch this for better eyewear, ear protection and glove use.

Now this is the motherfucking definition of 'sex sells'. eBay seller "babenotincluded" has made it his business model to display all of his motorcycle parts being held by a nearly-naked women. God Bless America, people. Sadly, I've seen less brazen cases of this taken down by eBay for obscenity, so your chance to see the pictures may be a timed event. They're definitely worth seeing.

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Last week, artist Tatia Pilivea released a video depicting several very attractive and cooperative strangers kissing each other for the first time. The universe quickly took offense with the video -- which shows how effective Pilivea was -- and everyone with a video camera made their own version of it, each one trying to be more 'real' than the other. First times are weird and gross, at least for most people who own video cameras, so videos like the hilarious First Handjob came into being, or Playboy finds an excuse to make Playmates kiss each other, but the one who definitely did it the best is Vice magazine, who really got really-real strangers to kiss each other on camera. Yes, including a creepy old guy and sloppy sounds, which really makes a 'first time' what it is: a unique experience for those involved, and less for an audience like the original was.

Once upon a time, famous rich-person Richard Branson went kitesurfing with a naked woman strapped to his back. Why? "Because fuck you, that's why", said Branson before wiping his butt with hundred dollar bills (or so I heard that's how it went). Anyhow, shortly thereafter Stephen Colbert was caught in an equally compromising position, vacuuming with a naked woman on his back, while dressed like Richard Branson. This is why I'm trying to get rich, people: I am so rarely ridden by naked women, and I feel left out.

Rugby, called "football" here in the States, is apparently a big thing in the U.K., for both men and women. While the men generally look like Orcs from The Hobbit, women players run the gambit from OMG to OMG. Here's the Oxford University women's rugby team, selling their 2014 calendar:

And here's the Camp Hill women's rugby team selling their own calendar:

If you read those associated articles, the Oxford one is complimentary, while they call the Camp Hill one "cringe-worthy". Fuck you, UK newspapers: Of course the hoidy-toidy Hogwarts-quality students at Oxford are going to be gorgeous women; they've got Stephen Hawking to use magic to prevent them from breaking nails and mussing up their hair. The Camp Hill women, on the other hand, look like they actually fucking play rugby.

One last point of order, though: you know what else Oxford has? Money for professional photographers and makeup. If Camp Hill had found somebody to take pictures other than some bloke with a camera-phone, they'd probably look much better, too. Buy the Oxford one here, the Camp Hill one here.

William Nicholson, one of the contenders for the worst sex-writer in the world, laments that if there's a "Bad Sex Award", why not also offer a "Good Sex Award"? I'm all for that, although the Bad Sex contenders are more fun to read in mixed company. The Good Sex Award would definitely open up the erotica world to everyone, and it's highly unlikely Cosmo would ever win it, so it's got that going for it.

I don't even know where to begin; this must be the UK's version of The Onion. Look out - satan worshippers are trying to recruit your kids! And by satan-worshippers, they mean Crowley's O.T.O., which has nothing to do with the Devil, but they had a sexy picture of Peaches Geldorf so that must be it. Strangely, they take the word of a "white witch" that satanists are trying to steal your children, which is a weird authority on Satan. Kabbalists are a better authority on Satan than pagans are, really, so Madonna should have been their go-to expert on the Devil. But - FEAR! MORTALS! - you gotta make sure people are terrified, and nothing's more terrifying than the attention-starved child of a famous musician joining a trendy religious organization.

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The CW has edited a recent episode of Reign, because, in between the two sex scenes, a girl starts to masturbate, and that was too much. Sure, two people fuck right before that scene, and that scene leads into an extramarital sex scene, but -- WOAH -- she's touching her soft parts! So, while it's wise to edit a teen drama to exclude safe, disease- and pregnancy-free masturbation, be sure to include the part where the girl gets horny and fucks the first person to stop by. That's responsible editing. Dumb TV. So, here: watch some women touch each other, which is probably more OK than one woman touching herself for some stupid reason.

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Ever wonder what deaf people are saying in deaf people porn? What, don't you watch a lot of deaf porn? You should, really. Anyways, Topless Robot has brought to my attention an aspiring author decided to write a book of sign language swear words. Well, other than the one depicted below, which I understand because I get it alot from both hearing and non-hearing women. The book is called "Super Smutty Sign Language", and is a must for anyone who wants to learn how to call a deaf person 'sugar tits'.

It makes perfect fucking sense: you don't limit your advertising to just people who are already consuming a product. A billboard for McDonald's right next to a Burger King might not be a horrible idea, but try putting one along the freeway exit, where hungry people looking for fast food are actually at. That's the theory Eat24 went with -- but rather than billboards, they went to where hungry people on the internet are: porn sites. More businesses need to get with the program, and forget about all the puritanical bullshit. Porn consumers aren't obsessed freaks who only shop for porn and nothing else -- they're the people who buy XBoxes and Fords and iPods and tickets to sports games and movie theatres. And -- and this is the most important part -- advertising on adult sites is fucking cheap, per impression, compared to mainstream websites. Do that math, business, and realize that there's a whole world waiting to see your ad. We're tired as hell of "local MILFs waiting for you" and one crazy trick your doctor won't tell you.

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It's sad when Playboy has to get it's content from Sports Illustrated, isn't it? Well, I guess the epicness of Kate Upton's awesome tits covered in nothing but a thin layer of paint isn't to be missed any which way.

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The Tumblr blog JustAnotherIKEACatalog actually does something more than just steal other people's content: they research the furniture in the background of porn videos, and adds an IKEA-style product description over the video. I always wondered what that side-table was during that one CFNM blowjob scene. Now I can buy one for myself! Get to the site soon; apparently IKEA is considering suing.

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Peaches Geldorf has brought us word that Aleister Crowley is back, baby! Her and Jay-Z, apparently are open followers of the O.T.O, or the occult religion Crowley invented in the early 20th century. This is the stuff read by those weird kids in high school who did Tarot cards at lunch and wore ankhs everywhere, and they had a lot of sex but otherwise forgot all about the occult once they had to, you know, get jobs. Somebody's been keeping the torch alive, though, otherwise we'd be stuck with Scientology and Kaballah as the only weird shit that famous people devote themselves to. It's about time Crowley made a comeback.

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