Playboy, Maxim The Best!
Don't you just hate when, professional writer's ain't writing good? So does Grammarly, who actually has the word 'grammar' in their name so they must be an authority. They've reviewed a variety of magazines, and ranked the top publications what would make their English teachers proud. In the top 4 for men? Boob-friendly magazines Playboy and Maxim, that's why! There must be a certain kind of linguistic purity that comes from appreciating women's bodies all day long. I'd like to link to Grammarly, but they apparently don't put this stuff on their own site, so while they might know where to put an apostrophe, they sure suck donkey-balls at SEO. Or is it just donkeyballs? I really should go to their website and find out.
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Inked Bubble Bath!
Well, yeah, I know your name is Emma Ink, but I'm still not convinced those are real - here, let me help wash you, if they come off, well then we know the truth. If not, well, then you're right, and we've had a little fun, now, haven't we?
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Bad Brothel Business!
The internet: is there anything it can't ruin? First, Craigslist destroys the newspaper; ebooks are destroying publishing; and, most heinous of all, internet porn is destroying the legal Nevada brothel business. Well, technically the economy is causing the problem, but it's much easier to blame the internet, what with its free nude photos and easy access. The story really can't get anything straight; it seems to want to talk about business, but heads off into weird moral channels, including inviting an anti-prostitution talking head with no evidence to back them up. Hey, Bloomberg: save your exploitation sob-stories for talking about the minimum wage; this is one place people are at least doing an honest job, give them some credit for riding out the economic downturn when so many other businesses couldn't cut it.
BoobJam!
After an off-the-cuff comment about how, if programmers are trying to make boobs behave realistically in video games, they should include bra shopping horrors and mammograms, one guy decided to make it a reality. He set up the site The BoobJam, and has asked for submissions from creative types, asking them to create video games that treat the female breast in a realistic way -- and not just constant heaving and thrusting. I suppose if you include some of that you'll be fine, but it shouldn't be the focus of these pixellated boobs for BoobJam. I'm no programmer but I do know a couple - maybe I should think up a game for them to make. If I don't come up with one, at least I will have spent a couple weeks thinking about boobs, so it's a win-win as far a I'm concerned.
OSHA Disapproves!
We've seen this before, and I'm surprised OSHA hasn't released a nationwide bulletin about proper care for hammers. That poor young lady in the last set lost both legs due to improper hammer use; I can only imagine what horror will befall this young lady for not reading the instructions first.
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Hilda!
Who doesn't like pin-up girls? Most of them have interchangeable bodies, all thin waist and curves in the right places - and then there's Hilda. Artist Duane Bryers came up with a plus-sized pin-up, who's surprisingly sexy despite not fitting the 90lb form of the usual pin-up girl.
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Sex Equals Money!
More proof that sex makes everything awesome: people who have sex four times a week make more money. Sorry, it's not as effective as "fuck bitches get money", because what's really happening is that people who get laid regularly are happier, more satisfied, and all around better people than the undersexed competitors in the workplace, and all that positivity only means bigger raises. If you don't believe me, just try it out a while -- because, really, once you're having sex four times a week, you won't be quite so worried about your paycheck if it doesn't work out the way you expected.
Origami Penis Via.
Uncensored Honi Soit Vaginas!
For those among you who are so curious, depicted below is the bingo card from the last orgy I attended. No, wait, my mistake: it's the uncensored version of the Honi Soit 'vagina dialogue' cover from earlier today.
No Vaginas In Australia!
Honi Soit, a student-run newspaper at the University of Sydney, had thousands of the next issue confiscated because you can see vulvas, oh so many vulvas. Initially, they intended to publish without black bars, but an editorial decision was made to add black bars. The person they sent to photoshop in the bars was evidently inexperienced with pre-press requirements, so the bars came out semi-transparent. More info from the editorial team here, so be aware that Australia is just as terrified of vulvas as us Americans are. Welcome, brother!
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Vibease!
The cutting edge of dildonics is here - the Vibease is a bluetooth-enabled vibrator, which means you have to sync it to a computer, phone, or tablet -- but that's where things get interesting. Since it's now computerized, they plan on doing all sorts of fun things with it, like syncing it to eBooks, so as you read it twitters your linkedin until you facebook. Or something. Or, you can have somebody in San Francisco diddle you in London, like a less penis-heavy form of ChatRoulette. The options are endless! Unfortunately, it's still in the funding step, so all you get are wild promises and angel-investor-attracting videos. Hopefully it comes to fruition; it sounds like fun.
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Female Gaming Armor!
It's no secret that female armor in videogames is obscenely scanty, considering the amount of damage the protagonist usually takes during battle. Below shows just how far this has gone. Modern technology has made rendering characters nearly lifelike -- but just look at the armor this hack-and-slash character was given. I'm not even sure that sword will be of much use, either. Video games are getting too extreme these days.
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Press Your Ashes!
Looking for a unique way to store your remains after death? And Vinyly will take your cremated ashes and press them into a vinyl record. You get to decide what's on the album, so make sure you get your tracks on tape before you sluff off this mortal coil. Just make sure nobody sticks the album in a Ronco record vacuum, those things clean away all sorts of dust, including you.
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Rubber Undies!
I haven't worn rubber undies since I was 2 and still wetting the bed, but then I guess I was just a fashion trendsetter. William Wilde has designed rubber latex underwear for men; no word on if it comes with a free carton of diaper rash creme. I'm sure these aren't meant for daily-wear, and more for the kind of event where nobody's underwear stays on for very long. Apparently Mr. Wilde is usually a conniseur of wrapping the female form in rubber, so I guess he's branching out into the untapped market of men who want glisteningly-smooth crotches. Is there a "Barbie's Boyfriend Ken" line?
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Begging For Boobs!
Tina Andrews is an entrepeneur with a goal, and she's only one step lower than most Kickstarter projects. Tina wanders along the busy highway in Florida, asking people to donate money to her breast enhancement surgery. From the pictures I've seen, there ain't nothing wrong with her tits at all -- maybe she should use the money for body-image counseling. My guess is this is 50% dare, 50% prank, and 30% "let's get on TV!" (since when does a local TV station send out a crew the first time some chick holds up a sign on the curb?) All I can think is: I'd like to hold up a sign for big boobs, and I'll just borrow 'em for a couple minutes.
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Penis Jewelry!
K-E-Dollarsign-Ha, consistently toeing the line between genuine-whako and Colbert-level satirist, has released a series of penis-themed jewelry, which has since sold out. Who's buying this penis-shaped jewelry? I'd like to think it's men -- women love sweatpants with bedazzled words like "bitch" and "juicy" on their ass, it's only fitting that men want a gold dick hanging around their neck do advertise their sexual prowess. Nymag has tips for proper accoutremation of the jewelry, in particular avoiding tiny-penis shaped suntan lines, which everyone should avoid whether wearing Ke$ha jewelry or no.
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Accidental Porn Star!
There's only so many ways to get into a porn film. Have big tits, have a big dick, have few scruples or plenty of self-confidence, or you could just be this guy and his wife, who ended up as extras in a porn video on their honeymoon. I'm sure few people who can combine the phrase "porn video", "honeymoon", and "wife" can be so G-rated about it, but then not everyone in porn is as lucky as this guy. Apparently, explaining to his wife how he even found the video was harder than anything, as you might expect. Wait - watching porn on an iPad? How bourgeoisie. Watch it for yourself here.
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Nudist Rebranding!
The nudist community is trying to rebrand themselves by pointing out that not only old, fat people like to take off their clothes. For example, they have organized the The Young Naturists and Nudists America, an organization which aims to get young people naked. OK, as a 40-something, that just sounds creepy, but the interesting thing about the Young Nudists is their explicit connection between nudity and sexuality, which they find empowering -- something you hear a lot of well-rounded porn stars talking about. The problem may be less about young people wanting to be nudists, but the asexual message of old-school nudism (not that it was ever without sexuality; people didn't buy naturism magazines for the articles, ya dig?)
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Fifty Shades of Firemen!
Safety first, people! Londoners have been calling the fire department more often lately for sexual-related rescues, in particular to be released from handcuffs. Fancy newspaper-writers would like you to think it's because of Fifty Shades of Grey, but I'd like to think it's due to a higher standard in handcuff production today. At the very least, it also shows a bit of stupidity on the part of the participants -- metal toy handcuffs have a quick-release, and crumble under an average hammer blow...um...not that I've experienced this. Even shitty Spencer's 'fetish' handcuffs are quick release. But that is part of my choice in purchasing handcuffs for recreational reasons. Anyone who heads out to look for sex handcuffs with a focus on making them difficult to open is just looking to fill that soundproof room in his basement. So, be careful out there, everyone, make sure you're not letting your hormones make decisions that could end up with you drowning in the bubble bath.
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Tits And Books!
I've had so many book-related posts lately that I practically need a header image for you. None of these are totally nude, but they're definitely sexy and NSFW, and they're so into their books that you'd hate to interrupt the pretty lady, so you just masturbate in the corner until she's finished with that chapter.
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Lesbian Oranges!
"Hey. Hey, Janice? Can I ask you a quick question? It doesn't matter what you answer, I just want to know. Are we regular lesbians, or citrus lesbians? Because I'm not sure what to put in my Facebook profile. I mean, citrus is one thing..."
Fuck Chair!
Well, fuck - after yesterday's vibe bike, I joked about having a orgasm-inducing chair, and then I found this god damned thing. It's called a Diletto, and looks like one of those dumbass ergonomic 70s chairs but instead of causing back pain it fucks you while you rock back and forth. Talk about multitasking while at your desk.
Bike Vibrator!
British girls have all the fun. UK funshop SexShop365 has released the Happy Ride, a bike seat cover with a built in vibrator, so when you're huffing and puffing down the road you can have an orgasm somewhere around 1st and Main. I suspect this would be of greater benefit on a stationary bike, where you're less likely to fall over, or get funny looks from the guy in a beat-up F150. If they start putting vibrators in everything that women sit on, nothing's going to get done once they make the Office Chair Happy Seat. Too much distraction, and the janitor hates all that clean-up afterwards.
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