Oh, Japan, you're so creative. As a way of drawing attention to poor condom usage in Japan, a manga author has put together a book on using condoms. No, not on penises: to quote Twilight Zone - IT'S A COOKBOOK. You might think this is weird, but given some thought, cooking with condoms is just like sex with condoms: put tasty-juicy meat in the condom, don't EAT the condom - throw it away when done, and, um, well, it's about that simple.

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Remember that Japanese artist arrested for 3D data files of her vulva? Here's why she needed 3D vulva data in the first place - she has made a kayak which is shaped like her vulva, and while paddling it looks like she's coming out of the vagina. I'd say, "that's a weird reason to scan your vagina," but then I remembered this is Japan, and reminded myself I should never be surprised about Japan.

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Of all the possible things to bitch about your body, ladies, do you have a problem with inverted nipples? Well, Japan is out to fix it, with their inverted-nipple-sucking-tool that will fix something that you really shouldn't complain about. I mean, why invest in a machine to do it, when there's so many men willing to volunteer for free to suck your nipples themselves? Not that you should let those pervs do it - but if they're willing to do the work of this machine, then leave your fucking nipples the way they are, we love 'em like that.

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In Japan they love their robots, they love boobs, and they love seizure-producing flashing lights - so of course they turned it into a restaurant that is the AWESOMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD. You may have seen it elsewhere last fall, where pretty much all they talked about were the giant fembots, but look at the restaurant's official video. First, dinosaurs run out, then get beat up by robots. Then the robots get beat up by a bikini girl swinging Thor's hammer and using Captain America's shield. Then two cave girls riding a glyptodon fight the robots. Then the robots fight some pandas. Then Albert Einstein starts the chrome robot dance party. Then Bumblebee from Transformers shows up for some reason. Then more dance party robots until the giant lady robots show up. It's like somebody let an ADD 13-year-old boy write up the restaurant's business plan, and it turned out better than anyone expected.

See, I never find out about this stuff until after it happens. It seems that, over in Japan, last weekend you could donate money to a charity and then touch some boobs. The last time I went down to the Lions Club Pancake Breakfast they kicked my ass out for touching breasts, so charities must work differently in Japan. However, part of the festivities last weekend were a "masturbation marathon", so, in a sense, I did participate.

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As you might guess, when they can put a full-fledged 5MP camera into a tiny celphone, most of the space inside that $200 point-n-shoot is just so its big enough to hold on to and use reliably. But what if you wanted to give up all that silly "usability" and "functionality"? Enter the Mame-Cam, a fully-functional spycam that is so tiny its nearly impossible for anybody but the tiny, tiny Japanese people to use properly. I was sent one to test and review, but I accidentally swallowed the first one, then I had to go to the doctor when the replacement they sent got lodged in my nostril.

Japan has been cracking down on obscene video games - or at least how they present themselves. Kotaku has a list of the banned words at one game-download website. Come on - I learned Flash just so I could finally make my incest-train groping-slave bestiality-school council-threats video game that I've always wanted. Darn you, Japan, ruining everyone's video game rape fun!

These spandex hotpants are all the rage in Japan right now, at least if I can trust anything the internet says about Japan. They're called buruma, slang for 'bloomers' in Japanese, and they look like a cross between tight tennis shorts and granny panties (click the 'mature content' link to see the pics):

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Holy fuck, have you ever been revolted and turned on at the same time, like the one time you saw pictures of your grandma when she was twenty? The Doll Eye has funky anime-like contacts, which make your iris larger, and the pupils look dilated. It doesn't help that they put them in the eyes of a 3-inch-tall elf for the photos. Dark eyes with huge pupils have always been a big turn-on for me, but there's an uncanny-valley level incongruity here. Maybe I'll only masturbate a little.

Do shorter, more frequent posts, work? Try this --

If I ever, EVER say the Ronald McDonald costume is sexy, kick my ass. Seriously.

*watches this video*

Um...strike that last comment. Crayola hair colors, man, gotta love 'em!