Sex Inventors!
Inventors find their inspiration everywhere: they see it driving down the street, at work, in the kitchen, and even while fucking -- Gizmodo has a number of patents with a sexual-pleasure focus, most of which aren't particular scary nor different than things that have actually been invented. The "put a flower in it" is probably the oddest. I know people who would love that water massager...but in the intervening century since that was invented somebody came up with massaging shower head. Hindsight is always 20-20 for inventors, including ones that invented a penis you strap to your face.
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Wollongong is a seaside city in New South Wales, Australia, an area known for skydiving, sailing, and legalized prostitution -- and the Illawara Mercury stopped into one of these legal brothels to see how things are going. What they find is pleasantly mundane: the regulated business has to make sure they're in compliance with laws, employee drug use is a grounds for firing, employees are just working stiffs trying to make ends meet. If there's one thing that legalized prostitution seems to universally cause is the un-magicalizing of prostitutes -- Pretty Woman, Milk Money, Risky Business, they all make prostitutes out to be mystical, complex creatures that exist outside of normal reality and when you cross paths with one your life will change, when in reality there's an exchange of services for money in a unmagical capitalistic way. On the other hand, the opposite view of prostitutes as dirty, dangerous, and harmful is similarly counteracted by legalization's emphasis on health and cleanliness. While the views of illegal prostitution probably make it more exciting in some ways, the average, everyday view of legalized prostitution in the suburbs is probably better for business.
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Blizzards With Benefits!
Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, and since New York is expecting three feet of snow, let Craigslist find you somebody to fuck until the travel ban is lifted! I know, the lyrics don't work well, but finding a snowbunny with benefits in New York seems to be working. Lonely hearts in the big Apple are looking for lovers via Craigslist to have some fun-time during the weather emergency; whether they're successful, I don't know, but you gotta credit people for having their mind in the right place, rather than buying twelve loaves of bread to tide them over for a two-day vacation.
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Miranda's Soapy Ass!
Miranda puts her hair up in a ponytail and slips into the hot, bubbly bath. The door creaks open, he peeks in: "Can I see it?" he asks. She giggles, rolls over, and lifts just her ass up out of the bubbles. "Yeah, that's it," he whispers.
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Most Dangerous Position!
Here it is, folks: after collecting an enormous amount of data, science has identified the most dangerous sex position: cowgirl -- not reverse, just a regular one -- otherwise known as 'girl on top', results in a huge amount of injuries. They're not measuring dangerousness in terms of severity of injuries: sex while skydiving or while a tiger is walking by both sound significantly more dangerous, but are reassuringly infrequent. Cowgirl, however, involves a hundred or more pounds of sexy babe coming down on a relatively fragile part of the male anatomy, resulting in a significant number of broken penises. It's not nearly as easy to break lady-bits, so guys, be careful: it might be a lot of fun, but a broken penis is no joking matter. However, you don't need to treat the penis like it's a fragile piece of fine porcelain; cowgirl shouldn't be avoided, ladies just need to be be aware that you must take care of your favorite toys while you're playing with them, broken toys aren't nearly as much fun.
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Page 3 Is Back!
After yesterday's scare that Page 3 boobs were gone, it turns out it was all a prank - Page 3 was back in its original glorious form today. The return was much to the chagrin of those who had thought they had won their protest against Page 3, so their fight against the showing nudity alongside tales of violence, corruption, and cruelty goes on.
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End Of Page 3 Boobs!
Quietly, without fanfare, The Sun, a UK newspaper known for a topless girl on Page 3, has ended the column after 45 years. The last one ran Saturday -- since then, the paper included attractive women in underwear in its place. Ah, Great Britain: the more you shy away from the artsy, tolerant European way and embrace conservatism the likes of your former colonies across the pond, the more you become a tiny, floating America just to Europe's north! Page 3 is just the start, then you get rid of national healthcare and then get really fat and start loving horrible reality TV, you're almost there...ONE OF US, ONE OF US!
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The Stats Are In!
The stats are in -- Pornhub has released its 2014 Year In Review! High points: "step mom" porn is on the rise (break our your amateur video camera, make some stepmom porn, and you'll be on your way to porn stardom before you know it!), mobile porn has beaten sitting at your computer desk, Brazilian women like to watch porn, and Mondays are big days for getting off. If you're like me and are painfully aware of what bandwidth costs for hosting, 130,000 terabytes a month of porn must be fucking expensive.
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Dancing Genitals!
Sweden is a lot more liberal than the U.S., and it manifests itself in so many cute ways. For example, while Sesame Street might sing about body parts like toes and fingers and tongues, a children's program in Sweden might sing about penises and vaginas. Note there's no real sexual content in the song, it's more about how everybody has one or the other and we pee out of them, which if you think about it is kinda weird that Americans and other conservative countries think that should be hidden from young children for some reason. Just look at most of the complaints: many people claim it shouldn't be seen by young children, but few explain why.
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Undertaker's Brothel!
Mack Moore wanted to buy some farmland in Nevada, but just happened to buy 80 acres with a brothel on one end. Suuuure, Mack, you didn't intend to give up running a funeral home to run a brothel, it just happened to you. Why can't we have all the luck? Mack has built a thriving business, largely because he improved the aesthetic of the brothel rather than just trying to squeeze every penny out of it. Good on you, Mack, taking care of business is more than just profit margins! According to Facebook the brothel closed last fall, so I don't know why the local newspaper is running stories about Mack and his ladies now -- but the article is amusing enough that it's worth reading, even if you can't give Mack your business anymore. In the meantime, there's apparently an obscure film about Angel's Ladies out there, if you want to see the goings-on yourself.
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Sheri's Ranch!
Want to know where Android app developers and widget designers go to get laid during CES? It's Sheri's Ranch, but, of course, that's according to Sheri's Ranch, who has learned that social media and a web presence makes things true; they've cultivated an online presence that makes most businesses jealous, because you can't just market sex the old way anymore. Really, does anyone look at those escort postcards that are lying all over the sidewalk? Twitter is king among the employees of the brothel, although they're all quite miffed that LinkedIn doesn't approve of networking for sex with their system. Especially at CES, LinkedIn is the right place to find the kind of customers that shop for adult entertainment with their smartphone.
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Tooth Brushing!
The modern toothbrush was patented in 1857 - you know how I know this? I watched this educational video featuring Stella Maxwell and Dennis Klaffert getting all up in her oral hygiene. Nothing beats a good tooth-brushing by a guy with tattoos all over his knuckles.
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Sports Condoms!
"Yeah, I'll have a couple Dempseys and one of those Ted Williams' ones...for a friend". These sports-branded condoms are up for auction, but it's unlikely they're authorized by the sports legends they're intended to represent. I suppose it's more for plausible deniability -- "no, I bought them for the sports hero on the box, I didn't look at what's inside!" -- than it is to attract buyers, because I think anyone shopping for condoms already has incentive to buy them, regardless of who's on the front.
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Porn Games Now!
The Internet Archive has thousands of old DOS-based videogames backed up, complete with a browser emulator so you can play them online. Gizmodo dug through everything and found some of the old porn video games are there, too. Gizmodo left out the most important one: several versions of Leisure Suit Larry are there! Plus, there's a bunch I've never heard of -- I'm sure "Spear of Destiny", "Guldkorn Expressen", and "Tommy's Gorilla Balls" must be pornographic somehow, just based on the names.
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Fifteen Shades of Sex Positions!
Er, only fourteen, but some intrepid illustrator has put together a visual reference for all the major sex positions referenced in Fifty Shades of Grey, in case the poor writing and immature structure of the book wasn't clear enough that you'd need pictures to get it. Can you tell I couldn't finish reading it? Anyhoo, take a look at what Fifty Shades of Grey offers in terms of erotic content, take notes, and then at least admire that Cosmo's publishing illustrations of sex positions that are at least humanly possible. Although this one is a little suspect: he's controlling that floating benwa ball with HIS MIND!
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Bitcoin Porn!
Sexy Saffron had a dilemma: husband lost his job, money was dwindling -- so they decide to make porn. However, it's tough to process payments for porn, especially if you want to keep all the money instead of paying fees. Answer? Bitcoin that smut! Since Bitcoin is a decentralized payment processing system, anyone can accept or send payments, provided you actually have some bitcoins to spend. Last year this time, bitcoins were unstable as a ruble on stilts, but it's been consistently around $300 - $400 per coin for months now even though it has had a steady decline, so maybe this'll be the way of porn future: move bitcoin away from the gun-and-drugs market on Tor, and to something respectable and wholesome like fetish porn.
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Why Men Pay Hookers!
The linkbaity headline is "5 real and shocking reasons men hire prostitutes!" but rather than 'shocking' its refreshingly honest reasons men go to hookers for sex. The short answer: "I want something, and am willing to pay to get it," which is the origin or pure commerce that's behind pretty much every reason money exchanges hands. What's so shocking about paying good money to get what you want?
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