Putin: Defeats Tigers!

We've all known that Russian PM Vladimir Putin is some sort of extraterrestrial superhero, and now it's nice to see him using his powers for good. While visiting a nature preserve, Putin saw a tiger escape, threatening to attack a TV crew. Quick- thinking Putin shot the tiger with a tranquilizer dart and saved everyone's lives. Putin once killed three Chuck Norrises just by sitting up quickly, and once he even counted to infinity...twice.

Marina's Soapy Shower

Oh, Marina, are you that dirty that you need to use so much suds? If you need help reaching your back, just turn around, bend over, and I'll give you a little help.

Penis + Steel Ring = BAD

A Malaysian lad put a large metal nut on his penis, in hopes the weight will make it longer. Unfortunately, he later had an erection, which caused the non-stretchy bolt to pinch off the blood vessels, leaving his dick hard, painful, and nearing a reason to have it removed completely. Doctors, fortunately, were able to drain some blood, remove a little skin, and bring the man's penis back to "normal", hopefully with enough of a mark to remind him not to do that ever again. Why don't people realize, stick your dick into soft things. It's much more comfortable.

First Porn 'Toon Ever

According to Panopticist, this is one of the first pornographic cartoons ever made. Ever Ready Horton does hus best to fuck anything that moves, but ending up getting a blow-job from a cow. Wondering how far porn has gone, Kevin Smith? It's barely caught up with pre-WWII pornmaking. Those Roaring Twenties were full of fucked-up sex-hungry filmmakers:

Bizarre Condoms

Silent Porn Star has some completely bizarre condoms on her blog -- the reservoir tip has been molded into interesting and artistic forms, which probably don't enhance sex, and they're probably not even intended for sex. They're intent on a 'what the fuck' reaction and they're going to get that in spades. Money? No, not much of that, but WTF, yes, they're going to be rich on WTF.

New Morals Are Here!

A thousand adults were asked if they'd partaken in any of these eight deadly sins recently: exposure to pornography (check), using profanity in public (check), gambling (no), gossiping (check), engaging in sexual intercourse with someone to whom they were not married (double-check), retaliating against someone (no), getting drunk (buzzed, yes) and lying (probably). I guess, as an operator of a porn blog, it shouldn't surprise the "Christian researchers" that I fail their test of moral oppression. Retaliating and lying are about the only two that have a high degree of harm to others. The "with whom they are not married" part doesn't necessarily mean cheating; I'm not married to Gracie, with whom I experience carnal knowledge quite often. The "Christ! ian" part of the researcher's self-description gives the questioning a very loaded state. No doubt the "researchers" will emphasize that the poll results prove that things need to be changed. They accuse the respondents of experiencing "little exposure to traditional moral teaching and limited accountability for such behavior." Well, good - we've been exposed to a more tolerant, progressive moral code and we've been accountable for that according to the New Morality's rules. The Old Morality is unacceptable, and their poll has spoken.

Brands In Porn

Chuck Taylor sneakers from Converse are becoming a required uniform in alternative pornography because of their artsy cred. I know that I wear my Converse All-Stars whenever I watch porn, so there may be something to this connection.

No DNC Hooker Explosion

The Democrats apparently brought a calming experience to Denver: no more prostitution arrests than usual, and fewer DUIs than usual. There was actually a decrease in sexually-related newspaper ads, which could due more to everyone being all booked up and no need to spend money on advertising. If there's anything about politicians, they plan ahead and have other people drive their drunk ass around.

Airport Security Hates Holy Water

In further pope-related news, journalists travelling with the Pope to Lourdes are being warned not to bring back the magical healing water in their carry-ons. The airport security will not distinguish between the holy water and a bong-full of GHB, so it'll all be confiscated and destroyed. Why would God let the TSB destroy its holy water? Because God agrees that terrorists must be stopped from carrying small amounts of transparent liquids. It's in the Bible, I'm sure I read it.

Baby-Smelling Dudes

Come on now, guys, the baby powder scented deodorant is for the WOMEN. I know, they don't have very good dividing lines in the deodorant aisle at Wal-Mart, but you should be able to tell by smell. Guys who deliberately pick the powder-scent are thinking it makes them attractive to the ladies, but you're just going to confuse them, like those jellybeans that taste like buttered popcorn. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

Heated Car Seats: Bad

Every cloud has a silver lining. New studies show that heated car seats can significantly reduce men's sperm counts. Unintended consequence: douches who spend more on a car to get heated car seats reproduce less. Society wins!

Pope: No Frog Jesuses!

Sometimes, I think the Pope just doesn't get art. A German sculptor created a work consisting of a crucified frog, holding a beer and an egg. Pope Benedict, unfortunately, sees it as blasphemy, and wants it removed. Not only is the Pope up in arms, local government leader Franz Pahl went on a freakin' hunger strike (and unsuccessful, at that) to get it removed. The most significant result of the protesting seems to be widespread international attention for the otherwise unremarkable sculpture. Art wins!

Best Bathroom In the US

Wonder where the best bathroom in the USA is? Head down to Nashville, stop in the Hermitage Hotel and have a wizz within its unbridled beauty. The pisser here at work has a picture of a boat on the wall, and a permanent wet spot in front of the urinal. No wonder we didn't win.

Fetishist = OK!

In Sweden (and in the WHO), fetishism and sadomasochism are considered diseases, much as homosexuality had been in the past. The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education, however, wants to change that. They say there's nothing disease-like about these sexual proclivities, and want things changed. Denmark gave fetishism and BDSM the OK in 1995, so if Sweden can be seen as 13 years behind the curve, just think how bad we in the U.S. are. It's too bad it's Sweden; why can't these liberal, progressive countries be someplace tropical?

Enzyte Bob Gets Shaft

The company who sells Enzyte has fallen on hard times. Owner Steve Warshak has been found guilty on 92 charges of defrauding their customers. Not only does Warshak get shafted, he dragged his own mother down with him. She's cited with conspiracy, among other things. The kicker is, the efficiency of the pills isn't in question. Warshack, his mom, and his business all used 'free trial' kickers to bleed money from customers without actually sending them product or allowing them to get refunds when they tried to cancel. So, don't worry Enzyte Bob: your boss may end up in jail, but your huge phallus can remain e! rect without interruption.

Politics and Pornography

A journalist in Denver for the Democratic National Convention takes an unconventional 'man-on-the-street' turn: he found his "average Joe's" in Diamond Lil's, an adult shop and peepshow in the heart of downtown Denver. The pornseekers, unsurprisingly, are primarily liberal and progressive, somewhat in need of basic medical and social services, and pushing for Obama.

Is This Ad Offensive?

A Milwaukee busybody has taken offense to an ad for a bar in her area. The bar, called "Cans" (with full double- entendre effect), inserted an ad in The Onion, using the following commonly-forwarded-email photo:

The complainer is an agent of the "Sensitive Crimes Victim Services," which does a good job of handling cases of abuse and neglected children, but I really don't see how this photo constitutes abuse or neglect. In poor taste? Maybe. Is this exposing a child to adult sex? ! Not really. Is the kid actually watching somebody fuck a blow-up doll? I really don't think so. I really doubt any harm is coming to the kid in any way, shape, or form by allowing him to hold a blow-up doll. But, I draw my lines differently than a parent or social-worker would. Much of the time that line is drawn by the viewer, not anything having to do with the experience of the so-called 'victim', much like how we have to ban children's swimsuits in catalogs because we think some perv will wank off to the photos. Because, somehow, the children are being hurt according to the perception of whomever is trying to do the protecting. I don't agree with it, but, well, people like this busybody would write my pornography connection off and probably add me to some 'watch' list because they somehow believe that people involved in adult entertainment are up to no good.

What Makes A Man

Honor, health, happiness, and good relationships are what makes a real man, according to a new study which took a look at both regular guys and ED guys, mostly to see if there's a difference in opinion and values. Priority of getting laid? Not as high as those things above. Material desires? Not so much either. Oh, I'm sure they still want those things, but they just don't consider them characteristics of being 'masculine'.

Ron Jeremy, in Time

King of the Porn Stars, Ron Jeremy, is interviewed on the Time website. Most of the stuff he says is the same talking points as every other place (why do they always ask the same questions?), but I gotta give the hedgehog some credit where credit is due.

Amtrak Runs Out Of Gas

See, as far as mass-transit goes, this is why airlines suck. Airplane runs out of gas: kiss your ass goodbye while your plane plummets towards the ground. Train runs out of fuel: a brief wait for a replacement to arrive. Not that it didn't suck, but I don't think they annoyed passengers viewed their predicament in the correct light.

TSA Hates Boobies

A well-endowed woman kept setting off the airport metal detectors. Not satisfied that she has a lot of underwire in her bra, the TSA had to man-handle her huge tits. What could have been a sexy, sexy story ended up with a pissed off traveller and another example of airport security gone wild. Horribly, horribly wild.

How Not To Get Laid

It looks like it's been around a while, so I don't know how I've missed it. If you ever want to know how people screw up their opportunities to get laid, How Not To Get Laid is the place to read it. (via)

No Nun Pageant

As I had thought, the Nun Beauty Contest wasn't real. Or, rather, the priest who had thought about it and came up with detailed plans for accepting applicants and how they will be judged has said that he was just thinking out loud about judging a nun's inner beauty. A priest, imagining evaluating legions of beautiful nuns. I think he's going to have to pray a few rosaries to atone for his sin of thought.

Kevin Smith: Perv

In promoting his new movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Kevin Smith has this to say: "I'll go read Google news, I'll go read Guardian UK, go read our Web site, and then if I've got nothing else, I will just peruse the porn sites, because it's an ever-expanding world...Just when you see the most outlandish clip you could ever see, somebody introduces something new. I just check in periodically just to see how far porn has gone in my absence."

The She-Beast

Those guys at the AV Club have all the fun. One of their writers bought a book of paperbacks at a used bookstore, and ended up with some poor-quality sci-fi erotica. The Man From Planet X #1: The She-Beast has a super sexy alien guy with a prehensile penis and the ability to make love to many, many women in the most un-literary ways. The best we've done is found a copy of La Blue Girl at a thrift shop.

Trading Sex For Stuff

Informal prostitution abounds! Humans understand the currency of sex, and often spend it on cool stuff they want, or use it to reward good deeds. We are a 'gifty' creature, and we like to say 'thank you', so it all adds up to the politeness of being human, I suppose. So here's to you, slutty ladies with good manners: you know just how men want to be thanked!

BDSM = Grrreat!

People who engage in BDSM aren't disturbed or dangerous, and actually may be having better sex than the 'normals'. Um, duh. Now, I'm not for anything that leaves serious marks on the participants, but getting a little freaky is actually good for couples if they want it that way. It doesn't surprise me that the survey results say, "people who receive the kind of sexplay they desire are happier than those who don't." More proof that those viewing the act of sex without participating haven't a fucking clue about what's 'right' or 'wrong', and shouldn't be allowed to say anything about it.

Gov't Grabbing Penis Rings

Take care when entering the country -- the Border Patrol is ready to firmly grab your penis ring and gently tug it away from you. This goes for all sorts of 'mechanical' penis enlargers, whether they constrict blood vessels or just prop up Mr. Johnson while doing his business. The FDA says they don't actually do what they say they will, or at least not in a safe way. Enzyte Bob's still has his passport, though.

Nun Beauty Contest

Rev. Antonio Rungi of Naples, one of the brains behind the inflatable beach church, has a new plan to attract the lustful to the Catholic faith. The Sister Italia beautycontest is open to nuns from all over the world who can prove their outer beauty matches their inner beauty. The Padre's website says nothing about it, and if he has a blog it ain't showing up in searches, which makes me think it could be a hoax. Still, all I can envision is Evangeline:
Gunslinging nuns from the future are the hottest of all nuns.

Porsche's Sleek Kitchen

Dan Neil of the LA Times gets cute with his description of the Porsche Design Kitchen P'7340. Neil says is a 'Man's Kitchen', even though the Porsche/Poggenpohl website says nothing of the sort, so we'll have to take his word for it. The kitchen itself is only innovative in its use of electronically controlled cabinet doors, which, if you've ever cooked in a kitchen, would probably be a pain in the ass if your hands are covered in raw chicken juice and all you need is a different knife.
As with! any 'concept car', there's always a degree of impracticality to show off the neat stuff designers come up with. The rest of the kitchen's features, however, are high-end appliances, which any cook would enjoy. Still, as for calling it a man's kitchen? It reeks of 80's modernism-minimalism, which really doesn't appeal to me (what do you expect from Porche?), but I don't see anything that would set this apart from any other high-end kitchen. If the general assumption is that men are neanderthals who can barely prepare ramen for themselves, the complexity of the appliances would betray that look. Maybe the lack of obvious appliances is supposed to satisfy some need for men to have an unnoticeable kitchen. Oh, yeah, and as Neil points out, it has a TV, which appeals to both "straight or gay" people, because it's a known fact that who you fuck affects yo! ur appliance purchases. Stay classy, Neil.

2009 'Vette ZR1 Here

Popular Mechanics has a spectacular view of the new 2009 Corvette ZR1 -- while I'm more a Ford man, this upscale 'Vette looks and sounds like it has more in common with a Lamborghini than a off-the-showroom-floor Mustang.

Anti-Drug Teen Ninjas

Two kids dressed up as ninjas were targeting drug users and dealers, giving them highly poetic threatening messages. Their first target: the 16-year-old girlfriend of one of the ninjas. You see, Nothing is more threatening to a Shinobi Warrior than a 16-year-old Jersey girl. As far as ninjas go, they sucked at it -- nobody sees a ninja who does his job right. If they were real ninjas, the cops would have found an empty car alongside the road and issued a parking violation. I've seen enough movies to know that much. It looks like these two kids had a little too much anime and Red Bull.


I've been known to play chess in the past, but sometimes artists get out of hand designing chess boards. Now, this place is producing chess pieces of people fucking. As if it weren't hard enough to concentrate on chess, now I need distracting pieces? And how do you tell a knight from a bishop? My guess it's more fun to "fondle the bishop", so to speak, than "take a queen".

Hooker Sex = Work

It's all fun and games until somebody gets caught. A cop was assigned to bust prostitutes, and he claims that, to gather evidence, he'd been told to actually fuck a few hookers. The department says, no, that wasn't the case, but it gets more suspicious when the officer says he tried to follow through with paperwork and fill out 'bodily fluid contact report' forms after doing his civic duty, but was prevented from doing so, and he also says how he ended up with the job because other officer's wifes disapproved of the amount of hooker contact in the assignment. So, amateurish cop gets wrangled into busting prostitutes, has sex several times without anybody raising an eyebrow, everyone tries to pretend it didn't happen, but whe! n he gets caught everybody starts pointing fingers. To protect and serve, my ass.

Go Topless Day

Today is National Go Topless Day, and I'm disappointed. I haven't seen a pair of bare breasts on the street yet. Events are supposed to start at noon, though, so I guess I'm a little early. Maybe I need to stand on a street corner with the "Show Me Your Tits" sign I took to Sturgis, to provide encouragement to the protestors. Would that help?

Bikers and Puppies

I know a lot of gals read my blog, so this is mostly 'eye candy' for them, but that fact should be a model for guys: the biggest, ass-kickingest guys are more attractive when they show how they love their dogs. Rescue Ink is a band of tattooed bikers who work with the ASPCA, checking in on at-risk dogs in areas that, well, are safer for a huge tattooed guy than a 100-lb vet-med undergrad gal. When one of these guys stops at your door and says your dog needs a bigger bowl of water, you're gonna listen.

Chloe and Madison Washing Up

Really, I do appreciate Madison and Chloe's efforts to get themselves clean, but wearing their clingy, nearly-transparent wet t-shirts into the bath? Splashing around and getting the floor wet? Spending their time making out when they should be washing each other? Someone needs a spanking. A long, hard...spanking:

Look At The Teats On Her!

Co Cavan Ireland has been spectacle to many a strange thing, but nothing offends the sensibilities more than a cow beauty contest. It's even done like a human beauty contest, with hair extensions, makeup, and doting male owners. I even heard something about the winner vomiting up after her meal, but then I read that cows were supposed to do that (go figure). I saw the contestant list, and choosing the winner is 100% political -- here's my pick for the sexiest cow in the world:

Be A Nude Photographer

Richard Kern gives you a point-by-point instruction on how to find a nude model and take pictures of her, all without getting yourself into trouble (of the multitude of ways a man with a camera can get into trouble with a naked woman, there are many, trust me) Who's Richard Kern? This guy.

Be A Good Hook-Up

The Frisky has advice on how to be a good hook-up -- for the woman, of course, because men are always good at being a hook-up (come on, we're excellent at sex!). More than once they refer to the hook-up in a negative light ("regret the shag," "walk of shame"), because, of course, a woman who has a zipperless fuck should be ready to regret it. Ladies, if you're cruising for a hook-up, gauge your degree of regret before you do it, and that's, really, the one and only piece of advice you need. If you go into a hook-up confident, it doesn't matter if you run into the guy in the morning -- you're confident in yourself, it doesn't matter how it ends, bec! ause you know you did the right thing. If you're so uncomfortable with the guy you slept with (leave no evidence, clean up after yourself, make it appear as though you never slept there, avoid him in the morning), guess who failed at having a hook-up? So, Frisky is ready to assume a gal goes out, has sex with someone she doesn't actually like or find attractive, and her objective after sex is to avoid him at all cost. Maybe, again, I don't understand because I'm a guy, and my regrets are the gals I didn't hook up with rather than the ones I did. However, if that's how gals felt about having sex with me, I'm glad they didn't stick around.

Taserin' the Emu

When you can't shoot the emu, a Taser works just as well. I'm allowed to imagine that the smell of fried chicken hovered in the air after the incident, right? Mmmmmm.....electroshocked emu with a side of garlic mashed potatoes.

Barbie Gets Fishy

Dude takes his granddaughter fishing. Granddaughter passes her Barbie fishing rod to him so she can use the potty. Dude catches 21+lb catfish with a Barbie fishing rod. The fish was longer than the fishing rod itself. My guess is that the fish were put off by the anatomically accurate nipples on grandpa's Pamela Anderson fishing rod.

Do I LOOK fat?

When the question is: "do I look fat?" nobody wins. This writer seems to think that being the touchy-feely nice guy will defuse her -- and, in the real world, this might be the ideal way things work. However, I can honestly say that any guy who tries any solution here will be responded to with an incredulous negation, because she knows what your game is, guys. Maybe I've just dated too many crazies who really don't want the answer, but were digging around for a reason to get all neurotic on me. I mean, for crying out loud, who actually asks a question like that and expects to be happy with the answer?

Rich Guy Appeal

Turns out, gals aren't all that wrapped up in how much money a guy has. He's gotta have emotional stability, intelligence, and good social skills. What they neglect to mention is that if you don't have those last three, getting rich ain't going to happen either, leaving your ass broke and sexless. Freakin' loser.

We Wish She Was, Too

Jennifer Love Hewitt, the greatest breasts the world has ever known, wishes she'd been nude more during her youth. That pre-18 time period, no thanks, but the ten years from 18 - 28, everybody agrees the world would have been a better place if she was more naked.

53 Caddys In 53 Years

Talk about dedication (and freakin' deep pockets): Joseph Macko, a retired auto worker living in Flint, has been driving a brand-spanking-new Cadillac every year since 1955. I'd like to know what car his wife drives. She, unsurprisingly, doesn't get as excited when her husband drops several grand every year on a new car.

Set Rules BeFOURhand

A friendly foursome group sex party turned into violence when the guys decided they weren't agreeing on whatever was going on. The two couples appear to have tried to end things there, but at some point one guy got gashed in the face. See, folks, this is why group sex needs rules -- it'll always end up with a face-gash if you don't.

Little, Leggy, Busty Women

Studies have, again, shown the obvious: men like little, leggy women with huge tits. Um, duh. Proportion has a lot to do with it, which is probably why tall women aren't completely ruled out. They just need breasts large enough to smother a grown man. A lucky, lucky man.

Pussy Playground

I've got nothing against owning cats, but if you build little versions of tanks, airplanes, or fire engines for your cat and pretend that the cat gives a damn about how cool or manly it looks flying a WWII-vintage fighter, you really need to rethink your priorities in life.

Cat says, "dear god, why does my owner buy such stupid things? He could spend his money on catnip or finer catfood instead of getting this crap. I wish that he were dead, so I could feast on his corpse while I sit in my tiny, tiny aeroplane."

Manly Chairs

I love shipping pallets; so much raw wood that gets character from whatever was shipped. If I had more balls, I'd start stealing them from places along the road on my way to work, if they sit there more than a week or so. Some people have come up with plans for how to recycle shipping pallet wood into useable furniture, like chairs and tables. I hope they sanded well, though; it's asking for a splinter in the ass.

Oxana's Exhausing Bubble Bath

Oxana appears to be a gymnastic bather; she just can't sit still. She's standing, she's sitting; her legs are up, she's kneeling. She needs a way to burn off some of that energy, and I think I can provide her some physical exertion that should leave her relaxed and happy:

Spiders + Fire = AWESOME

A teenager was trying to get rid of spiders with fire and managed to burn a lot more than just the arachnids. I mean, out in Reno, so close to nuclear testing sites, those spiders had to be 8 Legged Freaks-sized spiders, right? Why nobody has their celphone camera out when these things attack, I just don't understand.

Stiff and Upright

His last wishes were to have his Yankees cap and stand around with everybody else, and with the help of an embalmer he got what he wanted. So, for three days the lad mannequined his way through his wake, while everyone did their best not to knock him over...they'd seen what happens to a mannequin when tossed to the floor, and nobody wanted to deal with whatever was going to happen to the guy's head if his corpse toppled over.

Veggietales Porn

Burger King Germany has gone batshit crazy -- they've got a site called "vegcity.de", in which you can roam around a vegetable-inhabited town, cause havoc and mayhem (there's an assassination game?!), and gawk at topless female vegetables:

The beach also has a topless sunbather, but with such access to hot veggie porn as "Wet Vegs" and "Playveg", saggy beach pickle boobs don't stand up as well. There is, however, a BDSM dungeon in one part of town, and an entire Red Light District in another -- slutty, slutty vegetables. It's like the wholesome Veggietales have their own Las Vegas. Apparently, this isn't just a website phenomenon; you can get placemats with the pictures as well. (via)

Famous Boobs Faxed

I don't know what an 'Emmerdale' is, but one of its busty stars was screwing around with a multifunction copier to photocopy her breasts. Whoops -- she had it on 'fax' instead of copy. Just the idea of unexpected breasts printing out at dozens of fax machines throughout ITV's offices makes me hard.

Fastest Office Chair Ever

Police ruin all the fun. A couple guys had added an engine, suspension, and (they were thinking ahead) brakes to an average office chair. While the kids said they hadn't tested it much, neighbors reported it cruising around area streets, which generally makes police rather testy, so they took the toy away. The article ends, "Police did not say what top speed the chair could reach," but you just know the police have the exact max speed figured out...they couldn't impound it without trying it out themselves, you know.

My Penis Is A Barometer

MSN Health rambles a bit about male sex mysteries, and acts like they know alot, but it's a lot of fluff. First of all, we sleep after sex because it's a lot of fucking work. I take a nap after mowing the lawn or changing my brake pads, and nobody writes a book about those gender mysteries. The most excellent part: my penis is a barometer. Pay attention, baby, you'll know when the storm is a'comin'.

Greatest Bra Ever

Dita Von Teese has come up with an invention men have wanted for centuries: quick-release lingerie. No word on if it comes with a "BOI-OI-OI-OING" sound effect when used.

Ugly Women Wanted

...not here, anyway -- but parts of Australia with a high men-to-women ratio aren't picky. The mayor of Mount Isa, an outback mining town, made some comments about how ugly girls could find a partner in his town, which, of course, sparked outrage among the local women who take an exception to being called ugly or desparate, and respond that the guys aren't all that great to look at, either.

Photographers: Suspicious

It's been a while since I've done any sort of photography in public, other than events where cameras are expected (vacation spots, Ozzfest, etc.), because of this: photography in public is a suspicious thing. People want to know why you'd want a picture, and figure you're up to no good, and if you were up to no good, you wouldn't tell the truth if they asked anyway. Because, you know, a photographer with a conspicuous high-end camera is trying to be sneaky.

A Guy's House

David Parsons has deep pockets, but an understanding of what he needs in a house. He's built himself his ultimate guy house, complete with workout rooms, fireplaces, barbecues, and all sorts of stuff guys wish they had more space devoted to. He's nicely understated, not like some over-the-top model home which uses car logos and motorcycle themes on everything. Most unique, and smartest, innovation: two dishwashers. One has all your clean dishes in it; as you dirty them, they go in the other dishwasher. When it's full, you run it, and the first dishwasher is the 'dirty' one -- hence, no need for cabinets to store your daily flatware. This guy is the smartest guy eve! r.

Kali Impalement

A woman, while 'staggering around' in her home, managed to impale herself on a statue of Kali, Hindu goddess of death, destruction, and creation. As if statues of Kali weren't terrifying enough, having one run through your arm and not being able to remove it yourself would probably be a bit of a mindfuck. The lady was attached to Kali for over a half hour, although I'm sure she would have been rescued sooner if Indiana Jones were nearby.

Bad Eyesight = RICH

Bobby Guffey is one of those rigidly logical lottery players who bet on the same numbers in every drawing. That is, until he forgot his bifocals and accidentally filled in 48 instead of 46. Upon realizing his error, he went back and bought another ticket using the "right" numbers. The 'error' numbers won him $3 million, and his 'right' numbers got him a cool grand in addition. Lucky blind bastard.

Butt Pads: Oh Good Lord

While I can understand people who need them for medical reasons, men are getting padded undies so they look like they have an ass, for cosmetic reasons. Guys, first of all: if a woman rejects you because she looked at everything else and was accepting, but then got to your ass and went, woah, damn, dude, do something about it, she was a jerk to begin with. Would women put up with a guy who continually reminds her how small her tits are, and would prefer looking at a padded bra over touching the actual small breasts? Self esteem is the recommendation for gals worried about size, so, guys, get over yourselves and get some self esteem before you start stuffing your ass. Wait, that s! ounded wrong, but I think you get my drift. Waitasec -- "We're developing a pec-pad shirt right now," Timlock says. "It's a sleeveless V-neck T-shirt. Pockets on each side, where your pecs are, that the pads fit into..." Jesus Christ guys, go to the freakin' gym or do push-ups every morning if it's that bad.

Banning Penis Improvement

The question is: Want Longer Lasting Sex?, and all I can think is Hells Yeah! A company called Advanced Medical Institute is advertising erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation snake-oil on huge billboards, to make sure that everyone who's ever had, or will have, sex can see them. What's the government's opinion on advertising a product that would give consenting adults more happiness and could relieve a common source of relationship stress in couples? Take the fucker down, sex is offensive. Something has changed in the council, because a few months ago they actually had a brain amongst them: The first [complaint], in February, was dismissed by the ASB on the basis that [the sign]! was "not insensitive" and "the word sex itself was not offensive". No shit, sherlock, but 190 complainers in a community of 18,000 makes a difference. When 1% complain, everybody has to bend over and take it like a man. A man with a limp dick.

Bigfoot Is Really Opossum

The dead Bigfoot found in the Georgia mountains has turned out to be largely an opossum, according to DNA tests. I can sympathize, because I've often mistaken opossums for hulking bipedal simians, but isn't that part of how opossums protect themselves from predators? I seem to remember they're good at pretending. Oh, well. Better luck next time, bigfoot investigators!

Milwaukee: Sexy!

Marie Claire magazine has announced that Milwaukee is the sexiest city in America. While beer brats, NASCAR, rabid football fandom, and cows rarely ellicit a sexual positive, this article may have something to do with it: beer googles do work. Thanks to Milwaukee's vast history of brewing beer, Marie Claire researched the city, had a bit too much Leiney's Honeyweiss, and lo and behold they were ready to sleep with Milwaukee before they even got it's name. Sure, Elle and Cosmo tried to talk Marie out of it, but she couldn't help herself (I believe Elle went home with Flint, MI and Cosmo was intri! gued by St Paul's urban artistic nature).

Porn: Not A Sellout

For all the accusation that porn is becoming mainstream, someone who loves number-porn has done the math, and sees porn either relatively stable, or declining in recent years. The only numbers that could remotely apply to internet porn are the 'men/women who have looked at porn' numbers, which are relatively consistent, with an unsurprising dip during the seventies, when people were fucking constantly, and had no time for porn. The print porn, including non- or semi-nude lad's mags, have been dropping off, but is consistent with overall magazine subscriptions and change to internet use. All I can say is, thank god that it's not mainstream; mainstream makes everything suck, with its homogenization! for the largest audience. Fetish porn would die away, unable to compete, and then what will Gary the 'Gay Furry in Pantyhose Fetishist' do? On the other hand, I think the accusation of porn going mainstream is that it's more okay to watch porn than before. People have always looked at porn, but formerly under the stigma of 'porn is bad for you'. Today, it's not just tolerated: porn is even good for you.

Canada: Local Porn HOT

A new porn channel is coming to Canada. Its selling point: half the programming will contain Canadian fucking. When US production companies want to save a few bucks, they move filming to Vancouver, but getting Canadian porn off the ground has been more difficult than LA or Miami porn, despite more a liberal environment and increasing ease of distribution. I could make jokes about flannel and 'aboot' in porn, but that'd just turn you on. Easily identifiable by lack of suntans, excessive friendliness, and the robust health only afforded by a national healthcare system, I can honestly believe that Canadian porn will take the world by storm.

An Army Of 0.33 Robots

Within a dozen years, the US Army expects to be 1/3 robotic -- since this includes robotic vehicles, one wonders if today's jeep is counted in the percent of friendly fire victims, but we shouldn't expect math or statistics be the Army's strong suit. On one hand, we have the robots from Short Circuit with their shoulder-mounted laser cannon and a heart of gold. On the other hand, we have terminators who carry laser cannons and have still-beating human hearts in their non-gun-holding hands. Either! way, this could be the coolest thing ever.

Manly Art: Steamrollers

I know I do a lot of classical and 'frilly' art, but this has to be the manliest form of art known to man. Artists cut a large linoleum carving in negative, and the pressure to make the print is applied by a fucking steamroller. I don't know what could make it better -- bratwurst and guns, maybe? It boggles the mind.


News 4 New York's Brian Thompson broke a story wide open: people get nude on beaches! He attended Gunnison Beach with his nudist tennis partner (no word on if the tennis was done nude), and the most definitive thing the reporter had to say was that he didn't gawk. He looked, gazed, viewed, oggled, peered, glimpsed, admired, eyed, spied, and scruitinized, but he did not gawk. The video is a better story than the journalists personal notes, but, remember...he didn't gawk.

Dudes Removing Hair: LAME

According to a press release (which are entirely factual, of course) Laser hair removal is apparently quite popular among men these days, because a slick-as-a-salamander man is oh so sexy. While I agree that the wookie-look is to be avoided, men are supposed to have discrete hair on their arms and chests, 5-o'clock shadow sometime mid-afternoon, and a van dyke if they so choose. Near-permanent hair removal is not the way to go, guys; when women realize that you look creepy, you won't be able to go back to your current fuzzy sexiness.

Totally Nude, NOT

Strip joints can't be fully nude in Florida, but one strip club's sign seems to ignore that rule. Are there actually any fully-nude dancers? Doesn't seem to matter, they'd get fined for the sign any which way. The club eventually gained their senses and took the sign down without answering the biggest question: dude, were they really totally nude?

Porn Star Wife: EXCELLENT

Style.com talks to several guys who are each married to a "porn star" (with a grain of salt, though; every actor who's ever been in porn is called a "star"), and chit-chats about what it's like to be married to the object of lust for men around the world. The answer: not much different from regular marriages, as long as you don't freak out over her career choice...plus you get to fuck a porn star. I call that a 'win' in everyone's book.

Dog + Golf = Choking Hazard

Dogs love to chase things, dogs love to grab things in their mouths, but when it's small enough to be swallowed, dogs get surgery, like this puppy who saw a fast-moving white dot, chased it, and managed to swallow the golf ball whole. A little surgery later, and the dog is fine, but golfers everywhere are being more careful about putting near the puppies.

Sex & Sports: OK!

Having sex the night before the big game has been seen as a weakening force, so sports teams often keep their players away from the opposite sex before a game. So, why do the China Olympics need 100,000 condoms? Because Pliny knows his shit, that's why. Sure, it's a distraction, and if you spend all night trying to get a gal in bed you're going to mess up your game, but those are because of the pre-game events, not the score itself. So, by all means, scarily-muscular sexy Olympians, get laid, but hop into bed quickly. Wasting time could cost you the medal.

Bubbly Bulle

Bulle is the 'true french,' whatever that means; it probably means she's a screamer in the sack. Anyhow, I'll have to wait until she's out of the tub before I can have at it. A girl needs her time to relax...especially if she's got a vibrator in hand:

License, Registration, Phone Number

Sometimes you have to go a little further to get the attention of an attractive woman. Turning on your car's cherries and pretending to give her a ticket might do it. If she wants to know you better, your current unemployment and non-police-officer statuses should make her swoon, and last year's DUI should make her panties wet. If those don't bring the women do your doorstep, the 30 days in jail will give you time for a new plan.

Irish Nudists

Oh, Ireland: you're the source of sexy redheads and freckle-marked breasts, opaque iodine-colored beer, no word for sex, and shileighleighs (whatever the hell those are). Now, it turns out they've actually got some nudists on the Emerald Isle, and they put 'em on reality TV with the innocent title "naturists."

Olive Garden: Go Away Porny

Porn star and Playboy girlie Kendra Wilkinson loves Olive Garden and tells everybody exactly why. However, Olive Garden doesn't like the idea of a person with her employment history shilling for their restaurant. I know exactly what they're talking about -- ever since Wilkinson has been blathering on and on about how great OG is, every time I eat there, the place is full of gang-bangers, big-titted whores, and table-dancing strippers. Their business has gone completely to hell, just like when Annie Sprinkle endorsed Mike's Hard Lemonade. Does Olive Garden really believe that the people who take advice from a porn star are going t! o be the ones reached with the "when you're here, you're family" ads? I suppose the people who believe those commercials just don't want a porn star as an Olive Garden cousin.

Million Mile Chevy

A Wisconsin guy has pushed his Chevy to its limits. He's driven the Silverado over a million miles, and now he wants $30,000 for it. Now that's some balls, Mr. Million Mile Chevy, especially when you paid a third of that ten years ago for the truck. I predict, quite obviously, that the truck ain't gonna sell on eBay, and it ain't gonna sell if he parks it at the curb with soaped on the window, but he's got newspaper clippings for his scrapbook, and that's what matters while the truck rusts to pieces in the guy's backyard.

Coins Don't Burn

When most people want a Chevy Silverado, they go sign a bunch of papers which guarantee they'll pay ,000 for their ,000 pickup, but not this guy -- using Depression-era logic, he amassed ,000 in small change to put towards the truck, using the logic that banks close down, paper cash burns, but a coin is awfully hard to damage (they did use a check for the rest of the purchase price). Do the math: if he had that ,000 in a savings account -- or even a CD -- he'd have to have saved it for decades before it'd make up for the interest he'd have had to pay on a car loan. Old people, they're smarter than you think, Mr. Used-Your-Credit-Card-Three-Times-Today-Already! Not only that, this guy ran ! himself over with his old pickup last year. If there were ever a real man, this is the guy, right here. (via)

Girlfriend In Porn = BURN!

Dropping in for a trim, an Italian man saw a bit more 'trim' than he expected -- a pornographic photo of his girlfriend hanging on the wall. He demanded the proprietor remove the photo. The proprietor declined, and eventually everything was set on fire. The girlfriend, however, is still a porn star, which is what the boyfriend wanted in the first place...he just didn't want anyone to know about it.

In other amusement, Metro apparently thinks we're all naive:

Since sex sells, this could be used to great advantage for most newspaper websites. Any remotely sexual article requires an "artist's re-creation" -- it'll help us understand the quarterback's sex romp with three prostitutes much, much better.

Bigfoot: REAL!

Bigfoot is real, but he's dead -- two men in Georgia claim to have found a dead sasquatch, and will be announcing their DNA findings on Friday, which will probably be unverifiable, and probably redacted as a hoax...but that's what bigfeet want you to think. They're masters of psyops.

Love Abbie's Bath

"Love Abbie"? Why, yes, yes I do! She started out robed, but once she slips her freckly shoulders into the warm, bubbly tub, she's all woman:

Window Watching

Frosted windows don't work as well as you think. Two amorous employees in the UK took their morning break as an opportunity to get it on...in full view of everyone outside, trusting the semi-obscured windows to be more opaque than they really were. Stamina be damned, the couple took about twenty minutes to go through all the positions they could think of, before a police officer went in to let them know about the audience on the street below. The pair have been suspended from their jobs, pending an investigation of their tomfoolery. A detailed investigation, including videos and photos from many, many angles, we hope.

Marriage and Restraining Orders

Police are called to a wedding brawl (is there anything better?) and start checking people's records. The groom, it seems, had a restraining order against him, which should have prevented him from attending his own wedding. The person who had the restraining order against him? His bride. When you remarry your ex-wife, make sure you've cleared up all the old paperwork, otherwise you'll be in for a wedding day surprise!

Swedish Prime Minister Budwiser Olson

Sweden had once held veto power over stupid children's names, but times, they are a changin': "there is nothing negative about a name like Coca-Cola or McDonald's today. In the 1970s, maybe it was." Um, sorry, Mr. Swedish Tax Commissioner, naming your kid Metallica Bjornsen might sound great today, but...well, no, Metallica Bjornsen doesn't sound good today, I can't even give that benefit of the doubt. At least let your kid grow up with a human name -- don't make your kid a 30-year-old bank teller whose nametag reads, "Metallica".

Nude Neighbor: Call Realtors!

Canadian advice columnist Mr. Civics (in some circles referred to by his educational salutation, as "Dr. Civics") is posed a question: My hot, slutty neighbor sunbathes in her backyard nude. Should I call the cops? His answer: You idiot, if you don't like it, put it on the 'lecherous men's housing market' and rake in the cash. Room with a view has it's selling points, you know.

Where To Get Nude

When a person thinks of Canada, getting nude in public usually pretty low on the list, but this Canadian journalist must think about public nudity quite a bit: he's compiled a list of nude beaches, where sun-worshiping Canadians can go and peel away their mucklucks and parkas and let the sun gleam off their ivory-white flesh.

Knock Knock - Porn Inspector!

A man walks into an adult entertainment establishment, flashes a badge, and says he needs to 'inspect' the porn for underage performers. It's the newest career-path for perverts: Porn Inspector! You earn your wages by trying to persuade a college student with multiple piercings and tattoos that your normal beat as a cop is to wander into pornshoppes and ask for free samples. Wait, did I say wages? I mean jail time. But, hey, it's got 'porn' in the job title,so by definition it must be glamorous and fun. (via)

Naked Girls Running Free

Seems naked girls are wandering off from their packs -- a man in Michigan had a drunk girl show up at his cabin late in the night, wearing nothing at all. It's a good thing a "wolf" didn't find her; we all know what wolves do when a weak, defenseless member of a pack wanders too far away. Luckily, she met an honorable man, willing to help, despite her garage-floor vomiting, and the police took care of her once they tracked her down. She probably doesn't realize just how close her funny news story came to being a tragic story.

Gas Money: Kicked In The Balls

Son and girlfriend ask mom for gas money. Mom gives it to the girlfriend. Responsible people understand: it's gas money, it will get spent on its intended purchase, regardless of who has it. Stupid fucks will miss that important point, and end up with a knee to the balls, and the other locked in the bathroom calling 911. (via)

Sweden: No Cock Toys

Men in Sweden, we feel for you. State-run pharmacy Apoteket has been reported to an anti-discrimination government agency, accused of sexual discrimination for not providing male-centric sex toys. Oh, women's toys? They've got them on their website's freakin' front page -- let's see Walgreen's website. Actually, they do pretty good, but, again, no male toys. What's a guy to do when he needs a fleshlight but is too embarrassed to hea! d down to his local sex shoppe? If liberal Sweden doesn't have the problem worked out, the rest of us are all in the same boat.

Chiara's Magic Suds

Chiara is the most magical of hot chicks: somehow, in this photoset, she manages to get her body soapy without ever actually entering the bubble bath. Oh, I'm sure there's reasonable explanations like the photographer editing out pictures for space, but that doesn't seem quite so sexy.

National Sex Day: 21 August

According to some lame Face-Book thing, August 21st is National Sex Day -- that's after the March 21st National Sex Day failed because of its coincidental sharing of a date with a minor Christian holiday. So, apparently you are supposed to have sex that day, Canada, because you had no other incentive to get laid than a Facebook calendar's recommendation. Enjoy!

Isaac Hayes, 65

Funky R&B king Isaac Hayes has passed away at age 65. Where most 70s soul funk sounds dated and kitschy today, Hayes' stuff stays real all these years later. Found unconscious near a treadmill, he was rushed to the hospital and declared dead shortly after.

Kendra's Secret Bubble Bath

"Kendra's Secret" appears to be that she has put photos of her sudsy bubble bath in not one, but two different places online. That tricky, tricky Kendra -- she may need some gentle punishment to remind her not to keep secrets from me:

Tits And Castration: Teamwork!

What is it about breasts and sterilization that makes them go so well together? Bob Barker showed off his hotties and begged to get pets spayed and neutered, and we took it all in. Now, Hooters is teaming up with an animal shelter to get guys to neuter their pets. The Kentucky Humane Society's attempt to advertise is cute -- "Safe Sex? That Just Means She's Declawed" -- and I suppose there's enough men out there compensating f! or their own limitations by owning a manly dog, that there's reason to persuade guys that castrating the dog says nothing about the owner's own sexuality. Really, if you're manly, no dog can change that.

On Porn: Men Are Liars

The Independent commentator Tim Lott calls out the guys who lied in an online porn survey: the numbers say less than half, but he's sure it's 100% In answer to his question: Yes, Mr. Lott, you're a monster -- but who says being a monster is bad? Women like a monster once in a while; the hero finishes last when it comes to bedroom events.

Grand Canyon: Kills Canadians

One of the greatest American icons, the Grand Canyon, is taking out its international rage on Canadians. A man from Ontario strayed too close to an edge and fell in, representing the first death of the year, and bringing the percentage of non-American victims of this vicious national treasure to 100%.

UK: Phone Sex, Bondage OK!

A recent survey in the UK says that nearly half of their respondents participate in phone sex, and a larger percentage than ever before are into bondage and spanking, and about a third "pleasure themselves while talking on the computer." Those naughty, naughty Brits! It's the sexy accent, I'm sure. Nobody, not even the British, can resist a British accent on the other end of the phone.

Trophy Ring: For Idiots

The Trophy Ring is a gold ring with a silver outside, so when you cut it, the 'gouge' shows through. What sort of things can you count by the marks? How about: how many times you want your guy friends to think you've gotten laid? Or, what about: how many times you've been asked by a woman what the ring means, blushed, and then lied because you're afraid it'll turn her off?

Guys, the attitude that showing off that you sleep around doesn't make you sexy. Oh, by all means, get laid as much as possible, but if you think that broadcasting it will make the difference between getting laid and not getting laid, you've made a terrible mistake of logic. "No, really, babe, the ring shows how I've slept with six women then neglected to call them back because I was devoting my time to sleeping with other women," might fly with stupid women, but, come on, if that's the problem then, again, you're doing it wrong. Being charming and attractive goes a long ways, and trying to reassure yourself that you can get laid by wearing a stupid ring demonstrates your lack of charm and wit.

Sex With Benches: Bad

A 41-year-old man in Hong Kong, apparently unable to find any other living creature willing to have sex with him, decided to go the next best thing. He found a park bench, whose seat was riddled with holes, and decided to have sex with it. Swelling occured and, horror of horrors, he got stuck. Rescue teams were dispatched, and the man -- and his sex partner -- were transported to the hospital, where doctors were able to separate the two lovers. A little bit longer, they say, and they would have had to amputate. Sadly, there's no mention of the exact location of the bench, so maybe, just maybe, you're sitting on it right now.....

Pee Bottles On Rise

Truck drivers have, for a long time, peed in a bottle and dropped it alongside the road (much to the chagrin of "Adopt-A-Highway" people and state-employee lawn-mowers). The practice, however, is increasing at an alarming rate. To blame? Driving slower for fuel conservation means longer time between rest stops. They've got to make their delivery on-time, but can't do it as quickly, so stopping to pee isn't going to fly for these schedule-minded drivers. Come on, guys: is it really that had to stop and pee for ten minutes? It's not like your aggressive driving and taste for truck-stop hookers haven't! already given you a bad name...but tossing containers of pee alongside our beautiful roadways? For shame.

Seattle: Coffee Boobs!

The Puget Sound appears to be overrun with nearly-exposed barista breasts. Recently, Barista's Chicagoland Cafe in Bremerton ran afoul of adult entertainment laws, citing pasties as being too explicit for their coffee-slinging ladies to wear. Chicagoland wasn't the only place you can get an eyeful of latte-splattered pasties: a little north Hot Chicka Latte had Pasties Tuesdays as part of their 'menu' -- which is just down the street from a Cowgirls Espresso, a chain with beautifully unclad theme days -- but both were al! so ordered to cover up more: "Electrical tape is not clothing and it does not cover the entire breast," said a local in May. Well, what you decide is clothing, madame, should not affect how I want my coffee handed to me, thank you very much. If I want young, bouncy breasts frothing my milk, there should be no reason it can't happen.

Mini Wins Cannonball Run

A Smart mini has won the European Cannonball Run, with an average speed of 100km/h. Their trick? Since their fuel-efficient engine didn't need the drivers to put gas on as often, they'd overtake and pass the faster cars. The faster cars had to run at higher speeds in order to keep up a fast average...which used more fuel and meant more stopping. The Smart car's next stop: the 2009 Gumball Rally. Is there anything environmentalists can't win at?

Hunziker's Best Breasts

Michelle Hunziker, European actress and model, has the best breasts in the universe, according to Bild.De -- and those Germans know a thing or two about hot women.

Mexico Invades U.S. - AGAIN

In yet another incident (the fortieth this year), armed Mexican agents have crossed the US Border and taken a U.S. Border Patrol officer hostage...just for a few minutes, until they realized their error. While it's largely a non-event, the Metro's image and caption depicting the event are priceless.

Noisy Sex: Get Fined

Enjoying yourself a little too much during sex could get you into trouble with the law: residents in an apartment building have reported noise problems for years, and the police have finally done something about it. Her neighbors claim her banging on the walls and screaming are making them lose so much sleep that they've had to take time off work. Vertict: best sex ever, and well worth the money.

Voluntary Sexworker - OK!

This year's AIDS conference in Mexico learned something that would make a Conservative's head asplode: there are sex workers who are perfectly happy and voluntarily doing what they do. "The idea is that we are all doe-eyed victims of human trafficking who need rescuing, but for many of us that is so far from the truth," said an Asian sex worker from the US. "We just want to be recognised as workers like any other." But...but, she was forced to do that, right? Only through violence and drugs would any woman be manipulated into making money through sex, right? All this! narrow-mindedness about prostitution is missing the boat, and it's no wonder efforts to 'help' aren't as successful as they should be.

Topless Painting, No Show

A topless painting proved to risque for a public art show, whose organizers asked the artist to remove the painting from view. The Town Mill (I believe this is it) is not exactly a children-friendly fare to begin with, but the organizers felt it "was not quite right for the exhibition...", quickly turning the show from 'open to the public' to 'pre-approved art only'. Still, it's a private event: they can do whatever they want, so move on, boobie artist, find someone who appreciates your work. Everyone knows that only classical breasts are allowed in art shows; anything newer is downright pornographic.

Wanna Join? Yes!

The picture at Flickr is titled "wanna join" -- and the answer is a unanimous, unambiguous YES. Gotta love those old steel bathtubs; they were always big enough for two:

Big Breasts: GREAT!

The Times Online takes on the most important topic ever to hit the newswires: Are big breasts always beautiful? The answer: when you take care of them properly and present them aesthetically.

Pantyhose, Guys?

OK, this is proof that the story is batshit insane: their first assumption is to blame Batman for a perceived increase in men's pantyhose wearing. BATMAN?!? It's a good thing for the journalist that Batman is a good guy, or she'd have to get herself an armed escort (not that it'd help against Batman, anyway). OK, back to pantyhose: there's talk, it seems, that more men are wearing pantyhose than ever before, although the article doesn't explain why or how they reached the conclusion, other than the writer overheard something about male pantyhose and went, "no fucking way, really? Thursday deadline, I've got you done on Tuesday!" While I don't o! bject to it in principle, for personal reasons unrelated to fashion; however, as a fashion statement: Men, don't do it. In the words of a fashion editor: "It's metrosexuality gone stark raving mad."

Kilting The Mailman

US postal carriers have a pretty standard uniform, although individuals can request particulars for their special needs -- like this 'special needs' guy who wants to wear a kilt to be part of the standard uniform. I'll note that female postal carriers have pants, shorts, and skirt as an option, but guys don't...I may have to support this just for equality among the sexes; if a female postal worker were denied pants because she were a girl, there'd be hell to pay. Now matter how silly a guy might look in a kilt, it's his right as a man to wear one!

Naked Newswriting

This is what I want to be when I grow up: the guy who writes the news for Naked News. Come on, what could be greater than putting words in the mouth of hot newsy babes? Well, yeah, that. Oh, and that too. Well, despite all the cooler jobs, the Naked News guy is pretty damn cool.

Mrs. McCain Topless

Presidential hopeful John McCain was feeling playful in Sturgis, South Dakota, and suggested his wife participate in the Miss Buffalo Chip contest...a topless beauty contest (aren't most of the female-oriented Sturgis events topless?). Always willing to help out her husband's campaign at the drop of a hat, Mrs McCain leaped onto a table, poured a pitcher of beer down her gossamer white top, gyrated her ass in the face of a nearly-passed-out 290lb biker-slash-marketing-director from Detroit, before Secret Service informed her of Mr. McCain's gaffe.

PseudoBanksy Overpainted

A wall containing graffiti attributed to Banksy has been painted over, as a community would do with most spraypaint vandalism anyway. However, numbers-out-of-ass-pullers say the art "could have been worth millions of pounds if genuine." That is to say, if the spraypaint really was by Banksy -- they don't all agree. Were I Banksy, I'd say this is an excellent response to his art. He obviously, from the start, expected his work to be removed like any tagger's handiwork. Now, if the value of his art means people are going to be reluctant to remove any Banksy-style art, I think Banksy is one step closer to winning. When all spraypainted walls b! ecome "street murals," vandals rejoice.

Kevin Smith Gets An R

Kevin Smith's new movie, Zack And Miri Make A Porno, just barely snuck by from being called Kevin Smith Makes A Porno -- the rating board nearly wanted to give it an NC-17 due to somewhat explicit sex scenes (as one might see in a porno, I'd guess), but reduced the rating to R based on the comedy of it. Most amusing: one of his justification is that moviegoers unwilling to view people having sex are going to avoid a film with the word "porno" in it (and, if not, are inordinately stupid). I'll wager that many movie theatres will leave 'porno' off the marquee, just to protect people with gentler sensibilities.

Stripper Fight!

Two strippers 'got into it' in the dressing room at a gentleman's club. Nobody was arrested, there were no witnesses, and it ended itself; the apparent newsworthiness of the article is the word "stripper".

Jaime Hammer's Bubble Bath

Unlike the last few ladies we've met in the bath, Jamie here has the sense to take off her fine undergarments before slipping into a hot, bubbly bath. Now, I've got something hot to slip into her, but I'll give her some time to clean up first:

Behind The Green Door

People like me will snicker if you paint your door green, but if one of your neighbors is a brothel called "The Green Door," you really should expect people looking for sex showing up at all hours of the night. The green-door-non-brothel owners have a good sense of humor humour about it, but may paint their door blue in the near future, for obvious reasons.

Kafka's Porn

Aside from "Kafka's Porn" being an excellent prog-rock band name, Franz Kafka liked himself some porn, and not just ordinary, everyday porn: "Some of it is quite dark, with animals committing fellatio and girl-on-girl action..." Now I'm certain that the stuff's fake -- over-the-top, non-heterosexual porn didn't exist before the seventies and is the root cause of society's collapse, right? To discover dog-on-boy porn from the gilded, honorable Victorian times, let alone in the hands of a venerated author, would make us rethink the value of porn in our society! You go, Kafka -- show 'em what a naughty, naughty porn lover can do.

Yoda's A Daddy

A 111-year-old lizard has done what you'll wish you'll be able to do in a few decades: impregnate someone 2/3 your age (she's 70). "He is now enjoying the company of three females and might breed again next March, Hazley said." Again, stuff you're not going to do, ever, let alone when you're over 100 years old.

TV Hates Marriage

Why do they hate breeders? TV shows love risky sex, hate marriage. Because, y'know, they keep broadcasting it even though the unbelievably low ratings on such shows as Gray's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, and Boston Legal should have had them cancelled for their lack of appeal years ago. It's clearly an agenda forced upon the viewer. Has the conservative end of things become so enamoured with themselves that they can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality (or, at the very least, teach their children about it)?

Newspapers Gain From Prostitution?:

The Orlando weekly and three employees have been busted from making money off prostitution. How, you ask? By selling ads for 'adult fun', which pretty much guarantees qualification as prostitution, at least in the eyes of the law. So, sell a prostitute something that helps them do their job, go to jail? There's plenty of hyperbolic exaggeration ("what if a grocer sells her a banana? Then what?!?"), but it comes down to asking the question: to what extent is prostitution a problem that you have to arrest the unlikeliest ancillary connections to the world's oldest job?

Rare Car Not-So-Rare

Unable to own a genuinely rare car, a group of Ford Mustang buyers are suing the carmaker for not artifically limiting the production of a limited edition Mustang. In 2007, only 100 were to ever be produced -- but Ford made 100 more in 2008. Wait...aren't car collectors the ones who can tell the difference between two years' of cars, even if the bodies were the same, by serial numbers and engine stamps? I vote to take these so-called "car collectors" Greasemonkey Identification Cards away. A 'Franklin Mint' version of a car isn't really a collectible car.

Men: Complicated In Bed

In an article written by a woman from the island of Amazonia, where no man has stepped foot and lived in over ten thousand years, a new Kinsey Institute study shows that there's little rhyme or reason about what turns guys on. Good luck, ladies: we're just as hard to predict as you are!

Hookers + NeoCons = Economy!

Minneapolis is bracing for a surge in prostitution due to the influx of Republicans for their national convention -- we all knew conventions like this bring money into the community, and this will be no exception. I doubt the lower-end prostitutes will see any boost in business; no self-respecting Republican would risk being caught with a hooker...and I'll bet most of these respectable gentlemen will have already made their appointments with a call girl of acceptable calibre. It's most likely an excuse for a 'crackdown' on prostitution, which will net poor liberal ladies and completely miss anybody having to do with the Republican Convention.

Girlie Mags Cause All Evil

The UK Parliment is doing...something...about telling the world that 'lad mags' (as they're called over there) give men unreasonable expecations about the beauty and sluttiness of women, because all entertainment magazines portray truth and reality, just as Popular Science gives me unreasonable expectations of flying cars and microwave weapons, or Cosmopolitan gives me unreasonable expecations of experiencing 10 hot ways to have oral sex. Oh, and you should check if members of your party write for said magazines first, or else the public will cry hyp! ocracy!

AmAp: Ads Excel

American Apparel: greatest online advertiser today. Their near-softcore banner ads with vaguely-unattractive models has intrigued bloggers for months.

Bullet-Proof Bra

German police have a new part to their uniform: the so-called "bullet-proof bra". It's not bullet-proof on its own; it's designed to be worn underneath a bulletproof vest, to prevent bra-related injuries that might occur if a woman was shot in the chest while wearing a unisex bulletproof vest. All I can imagine is the premium hot chicks will pay to have bras with "POLIZEI" embroidered across the bottom. Hold on, let me reflect on that image for a while...

Oil Changes Not War Crime

Changing lug nuts and oil filters is not a war crime, says the defense lawyer for Osama bin Laden's former driver. U.S. lawyers say people have been waterboarded for less, and begin the process for rewriting war-crime qualification list.

Poverty Organ Harvest: Bad

Sadly, it has just been brought to my attention that buying a poor person's internal organs is considered inhumane. Now how am I going to get that fifth testicle?

Olympics Cyclist Nude

British cyclist Rebecca Romero, along with Triple jumper Phillips Idowu and swimmer Gregor Tait have been photographed naked, performing their sport, for an advertisement for "a sports drink." You can see the two guys in the article's slideshow, but here you get to see a toned, nude body on a bike:

Teachers, Students, Sex Ed

The headline reads, "Teacher-Student Relationships Key To Learning Health And Sex Education", but, sadly, it has nothing to do with hot teen-on-teacher-action (which is sick, you perv). What the article is really trying to say is: don't give the creepy old, somewhat-masculine female gym teacher the job of teaching health & sex-ed. Students who respect and trust the teacher get more out of the class.

Finland: Bring On The Whores!

According to a recent poll, 70% of Finnish men prefer prostitution remain legal, while over half of women support legal prostitution. The difference between the two? Women's perception is that prostution involves violence, while few men percieved whore-related abuse. Even still, if this poll were taken without respect to dividing by gender, the math works out to over 60% approval for prostitution. Yay, Finns!

Berlusconi's Boob Trouble

Silvio Berlusconi has pulled an Ashcroft: the Italian prime minister has opted to cover up a bare-breasted piece of classical art (seen here), to conform to popular opinion that naked women are ugly, disgusting things and should never be seen. As with Ashcroft, the background boob seems to be photographed with intent to give subtle commentary; Ashcroft, to reference his censoring nature -- but for Berlisconi, as a reference to misogynistic comments he's made about women to the media.

7 Most Ridiculous Porn Sites

Eh, it's a mildly amusing list, mostly including parodies and non-porn-with-porn-sounding names, but who can pass up the opportunity to pretend BJ The Clown is what his name sounds like? The scary thing is: the truly ridiculous porn is far less funny than you'd think. People with bizarre fetishes take themselves rather seriously.

Iowa: Strippers Are Art

The State of Iowa has ruled that stripping is protected speech, thus moving nude dancers from the 'obscene' column into the 'art' column. The story has a twist, though: the reason the strip club was in court in the first place wasn't a run-of-the-mill obscenity trial...a seventeen-year-old in the audience started taking it off, and -- oops -- she was related to the local sheriff. The difference between a nude seventeen-year-old being art versus being obscene had a huge degree of weight in the matter. The court's decision was that a strip club reasonably constituted a theatre, and as such the dancing is an artistic performance, thus excepting it fro! m the obscenity rules.

Soapy Rachel Aziani

Rachel Aziani likes her bath, late at night, with just the faint moonlight to glisten across her slick, wet breasts:

Distracted By Nude Passenger

A driver ran a red light, crashing into another car -- the driver tho caused the accident claimed they were distracted by the naked person in the back seat. Even cooler: the distracted driver was a woman. Aside from the accident, this was almost the sexiest speeding ticket porno ever -- "really, officer, the naked woman distracted me." "Stay in the driver's seat, citizen -- I'll check it out." bow chicka bow bow!!

'Quirky' Jobs On The Rise

The days of growing up to be a farmer, policeman, secretary, or manager are gone: insurance companies, who base rates on the type of business done, are having trouble shoehorning things like 'badger consultant,' and 'feng shui advisor' into current job title descriptions as these obscure niche jobs become more commonplace than ever before. While I can still call myself unique, filling in 'freelance sex blogger' on job applications just doesn't have the same uniqueness.

Virginia Rogers' First Photoshoot

Gentleman's December 1960 issue seems to claim the discovery of cheesecake model Virginia Rogers:"GENTLEMAN discovered Virginia Rogers in one of Hollywood's finer niteries, the Slate Brothers Club, where she works as a cocktail waitress..."While every magazine is likely to claim to be the first with any 'virginal' model, this appears to be a true claim: most other Virginia Rogers photos are from 1962 or 1963; she even appeared in a naughty nudie film in 1961. Here's the photos from this 'first' photoshoot:

Drugs & Sex 24/7

When John Wallen saw his renters leave because of the high crime in the area, he decided to bring attention to the situation with a banner reading "DRUGS & SEX FOR SALE 24/7". At least, that's what he's telling people -- I sure hope people don't get the misconstrued idea that he's consolidating the street drugs and prostitution into one tidy apartment building complex, or his cunning plan may not work as well as he thought.

Penis Obscuring

Very important information, presented humorously: how to hide your erection from the world. The video would like me to believe that erection-hiding is important to one's social life, but when my bulge extends down to the kneecap in my dungarees, I've decided it's more an asset than a liability. Your mileage may vary.

The Twin Cities

The Frisky has a 'guide' to Minneapolis/St. Paul, just down the road from here. The SK gals and I did a roundup in 2005, and Smitten Kitten (at a new location, apparently) is the only overlap. Either the fun stuff we found has disappeared, or there's definitely more than anyone can fit into a quick round-up; my guess is the latter is true. Lili's Burlesque looks like it's still around, and out of everything we saw this was probably the coolest; too bad Frisky missed it.

Sex Surrogates Succeed

Despite accusations of prostitution masquerading as medicine, a survey of patients who've used a sex surrogate are overwhelmingly positive. Ask a non-medical sex worker, and they'll tell you that many of their customers are emotionally hobbled in some way by loneliness or social discomfort -- what could be better than having a psychiatrist supervising and advising? We do it for other social anxiety problems or mental illness, putting patients in real-world situations under guidance of a mentor, and sex shouldn't be seen as such a different thing.

Keeping It In The Family

Mom painting dairy-cow spots on the walls, son helps out, little sister running the front counter -- and it's a sex club. The Power Club in San Francisco is a drug- and alcohol-free establishment, providing a safe public place to act out sexual fantasies, and it's family owned and operated. Current talked to the family members, and found out their worst problem is the opinions of those who'd never use the sex club.

Sex Toys OK in TX

If you've been having trouble buying dildos in Texas lately (and who hasn't tried?), you'll be pleased to hear that the Texas Supreme Court has ruled that laws prohibiting adult toys are unconstitutional and a violation of privacy. In the last three hours, hordes of middle-aged housewives stormed into Texas from Oklahoma with their "pleasure party" sales kits in hand -- it's complete bedlam...hot, orgasmic bedlam.

Hipsters: End Of Western Civ

Adbusters says: hipsters are destroying Western civilization. Manufactured and devoid of meaning, but reflected the shallow consumerism foisted upon us through media. Eh, it makes it easier to tell the cool people from the lame ones: check their shirts for a clothing brand-name printed out in huge letters across their chest, and that's a pretty easy clue.

The Soapy Sandy Summers

Sandy Summers really likes to take bubble baths -- so much that she can't even contain them all on her own website; in trying to find a link to her site, I ended up finding a variety of bubbly Sandy pictures and videos scattered all around the interwebs:
First, there's the set where the picture above comes from (more pictures, but spammy); then, she bathes outdoors in a big bucket, washes her feet and legs in another bathtub on YouTube, and then you've got this excellent bubble bath video, in the lowest-right-hand-corner of this page.

Styrofoam Plate Pasties

An art gallery got a complaint about a nude image in their window. Finding no other convenient place to move it to, they improvised: Giolitti's plan was to invite the public to stop by and decorate the Styrofoam-plate "pasties," she said, and to supply the glitter and pens. "I think it's a ridiculous concern and should be treated as such," she said on Wednesday, stressing that she was irritated with the complainer, not the management. "This nude is so tame."

Beware: Pubic Sunburn

With the shrinking amount of fabric in today's bikini bottoms, more women are getting sunburned in the, ahem, 'pubic area'. For a part of the body that rarely sees the light of day, exposing it to the full brunt of the sun's rays is going to be a painful experience. I humbly volunteer to put sunscreen on any person I find with partially-exposed pubic areas; it's my duty as an American and a man to protect my fellow citizen!

City Buys, Closes Strip Club

Lavonia, Georgia, bought a strip club, but not to expand its income base. The strip club was bought in order to close it down, as the last grandfathered-in stronghold against the town's anti-adult-business laws. "Those billboards did more damage to the community than the club did," says the city manager. Dude, if an unwanted strip club is the town's major industry and attraction, you're not doing very well as a city manager. Small towns die because they fail to recognize their town's profit and assets, or fail to replace it with a reasonable income source when the previous market dwindles. Shutting down a profitable business in a small town on moral grounds is a stupid move all around. But, I suppose when Lavonia went to scho! ol, all it's buddies from down the road made fun of it for being 'stripper town,' and it so hurt the small town's feelings that they had to get that mole removed to look prettier.

Double Arm Transplant

Doctors in Germany have done a double-arm transplant. A farmer had both arms ripped off in an accident, but was lucky enough to have a 'donor' pass away nearby. I really hope both men were approximately the same height -- it would really suck to get transplanted limbs too short to tie your shoes.

Lion's Den Porn Protests

The Lion's Den adult store has some protesters, who've decided to shame the customers by photographing them and putting their pictures online. Unsurprisingly, they're getting a lot of middle fingers from their photo subjects, and I'd imagine that media-whores who want to draw attention to their porn purchases will start showing up any day now. The Explorers have a nice roundup, with links all around.

More Ad Sex, Please!

Violet Blue pulls together a bunch of information about how sex sells in advertising. Not enough, though? I'd like to think that ad execs are pretty good at inducing humans to buy things, so any extra sex has pure entertainment value. Which I do like. So, more sex in ads; I won't be buying more, but I'll be on the couch during commercials more!

Movie Stars Porn Connections

Frisky has a fun list of film stars who've got porn connections -- I got really excited at the Thora Birch listing, but, sadly, it's about her parents rather than herself. Oh, well. I guess I'll have to stick to fantasizing that I'm Steve Buscemi in that one scene. Seems I fantasize about being Steve Buscemi more than you'd expect. Anyhow, I think I have an article about an early Coppola porn film in an old skin mag, I'll see if I can get it online this weekend. For now, read the Frisky article.