Posts Tagged 'Film'

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The Pornstars of Married...With Children!

If you've ever watched Married...With Children, one of the Fox Network's earliest successes, you've noted that they throw in some hot and sexy women on a regular basis. What you might not know, however, is that many of those sexy women came from the porn industry. Many had overlapping careers as models in girlie mags, but some shone particularly in adult film. Here's some of the most remarkable ones:

Letha Weapons was clearly hired for one skill: being able to throw around her huge tits. She appears as a stripper with massive jugs, and she excelled in the role. They only briefly show her from the front before the bra comes off, then all we get are censor-friendly side-boob glimpses:

Pamela Anderson, whose porn experience is primarily represented by her sextape with Tommy Lee, although most of her tabloid life happened after appearing on Married...With Children. She, along with Becky Mullen of G.L.O.W. (who also excelled in softcore boobfests), was one of Al's two dreamgirls, fighting over him until he was unnecessarily woken up before things got good:

Traci Lords had already reached a status of infamy over lying about her age to produce porn - but by the time she appeared on Married...With Children she was pursuing a mainstream film career, and she really wasn't that bad of an actress. She appeared in two episodes as two different characters, but most prominently as a dental assistant, creepily being felt up by Joe Flaherty:

The biggest star - who you've probably never heard of - was Teri Weigel. She was also one of the only recurring pornstars, appearing in four episodes as the character "Jade". Teri is also extremely prolific as a performer, with over a hundred film credits to her name, and while she's done a number of mainstream productions, she has worked steadily in porn since the 1990s.

After Season 7, Married...With Children was a huge hit and was sinking into being a caricature of itself - which wasn't so bad, given what a broad caricature it was to begin with. After that time, a wide variety of Playboy Playmates, Penthouse Pets and other girlie-mag stars appeared on the show, with Season 10 being particularly boob-friendly. These actresses were mostly "models", and the porn very softcore, so while there were more boobs, there were fewer that had been serious porn stars before appearing on Married...With Children. Boy, Ed O'Neill's 40s were a rough decade:

Tooth Brushing!

The modern toothbrush was patented in 1857 - you know how I know this? I watched this educational video featuring Stella Maxwell and Dennis Klaffert getting all up in her oral hygiene. Nothing beats a good tooth-brushing by a guy with tattoos all over his knuckles.


Boogie Nights!

Grantland has put together the oral history of the filming of Boogie Nights, filling in all the gaps on your favorite not-quite-a-porn-movie-porn-movie. In particular, Gracie's friend Nina Hartley talks about being a porn star in a world of regular-movie-stars, and how just walking around naked was frowned upon.


Janet Admires Dicks!

I've never sent a dick pi--er, OK, you got me, but it was to a willing recipient. Guys that send photos of their junk, unsolicited, thinking it'll make a woman wet, they're kinda skeevy, but judging from the internet's experience that's 94% of men. Janet, here, has taken upon herself to look at 89 dick-pics collected from her friends, which is, like, the first 10 minutes after opening a dating website profile. Watch how Janet's day goes from "Hey, it's sunny and I wonder what wonderful thing I'm going to do today!" to "Dear god, So. Many. Penises. I feel that way with labia/asshole closeups in porn; it started out as mildly unsexy, and after a point it's just like, no, thanks, that's enough of that. It's not disgust or unattractiveness, it's that line where the question "do you really think this is the sexiest thing you could take a picture of?" gets asked.


Porn by Wes Anderson!

Wes Anderson is known for grittily twee movies, of which I have seen almost none, but even without being intimately familiar with his body of work I understand the affection reflected in the film below. Too little nudity for my taste, but it doesn't take long to watch.

3D Porn!

As with the utter failure of traditional 3D TVs, the attempt to make 3D pornography the Way Of The Future is also a failure, a dismal, regrettable attempt to use futuristic technology to improve the industry. The best quote, which sums it up: "the things that can come at you are the things that a male viewer does not want coming at them." Well, what about the women? All the fun of getting sprayed by sperm without the messy cleanup - what's not to like? But, like non-porn 3D, requring a bunch of high-tech equipment to make it work is the downfall of 3D porn as well. Why would they think a format that requires a special TV would counteract the free porn glut on the internet?


Erotica Posters!

Aside from the crushing financial collapse there, not being able to speak the language, and a lack of a passport, it seems that Eastern Europe is the place I'm supposed to be. A theatre in Poland is promoting an erotic film festival, and they've designed cheeky posters to promote it. Now you know why Tarzan screamed every time he swung through the jungle.


Porniest Ever!

It's official: this is the porniest year ever. At least in the movie theater, and at least as long as that writer can remember. Because, if you'll recall, back in 1972 an actual porn movie was the biggest hit in movie theaters. But, who's counting? It's also surprising that there's a lot of movies about porn already, we're just entering a halcyon time where they constitute a larger part of our film-watching experience than before.


Burning Man Hula Hoop!

This makes me fucking dizzy, but it's worth it for the sticker boob pasties. Plus, I imagine this is how my brain would feel if I ever went to Burning Man, just from the contact high from all the hippies. Are they still hippies? Or are they hipsters now? Or is this something else? One of these days I might have to go, just long enough that I leave before I get too annoyed.

Makeup Does Wonders!

This is why, walking down the street, you never actually see a pornstar in the wild. Unless they've got distinct tattoos or something else very identifiable, underneath all that makeup the ladies look like anybody else. So, use this information as you go through your daily life. That thin-lipped, acne-suffering babe with big boobs at the counter at McDonald's? Porn star. The mail carrier with long legs and dark rings under her eyes? Porn star. Life's a lot more exciting when you can just assume any person could be a porn star right in front of your nose. Just don't point it out to them that you know; famous people hate that, especially suspected pornstars.

Zero Stars For Movie 43!

Roger Ebert, the wizened prophet that he is, has issued one of his rare zero-star reviews. Movie 43, nominated for eight Oscars and twelve Golden Globes, has been dealt a blow to its marketing plan that it is unlikely to recover from. Who knew that comedy which involves lovers pooping on each other would fall so flat? Let's just hope all the actors -- many of whom are already Oscar winners -- got paid well for their embarassing attempts at humor. Speaking of which, one segment revolves around a sex-doll sized MP3 player (played by real naked women) which has spinning blades were its pussy is. Comedy genius!

Backstage At Porn!

Ever want to know how a porn shoot really goes? This xojane writer got to participate in a pornshoot, and found it to be rather technical, not too exciting, but also better than expected.

Sexy Sci-Fi!

I really need to update my Netflix queue. IO9 has compiled the greatest sexy sci-fi films ever. All I've seen are Barbarella, Galaxina (which isn't that sexy, unless you count Avery Schreiber's moustache), and Edward Penishands. I initially thought that last one was something my drunken mind had imagined, but it apparently really did exist. It was chosen for viewing by a girl who wanted to sleep with me, but I was too young and naiive to notice, and she was too young and naiive to realize that, if you want to get sexy with someone, Edward Penishands is probably not the best choice.

Gameplay Girls!

Aria Aspen is going to shoot the fuck out of you, so watch your back. This video is from Circus Hooker Slut Regime's series Gameplay Girls, which intends to emulate a FPS-style video game, but with real naked women, gunshot noises, freeze rays, and even mind control thrown in. It has a bit of everything for people who wish their videogames were more porny, and as a series the previews show everything from more FPS to Mortal-Kombat style arenas. The studio was nice enough to send me & Gracie a review copy of this particular episode. It does what it says on the lid: you follow Aria through a maze of hallways, avoiding being shot (keep your eye on your stats meter, kids), making use of the freeze ray to stop her movement for a better look, and tops it off with some mostly-nudity towards the end. It's all cheesecake, and at 10min long the gameplay style doesn't overstay its welcome. The style is a lot like most fetish-style videos, heavy on the fetish and less on straight-up nudity and sex, which wasn't quite right for Gracie and me, but will no doubt fulfill the right guys. Me, this is what got me off, but I've never been much of a gamer, I guess.

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Porn = Paperwork!

So, it turns out that porn isn't all just fucking and lube. Stoya wants people to understand that porn is full of paperwork and red tape before any of the fucking happens. The good news is, that's what keeps pornstars safe and disease low; the bad news is...well, it means it takes a while for the fucking to start during the porn video, but we don't see that, so I guess that's not so bad.

Traci Lords!

Traci Lords is mostly known for being the mythical cause behind that conspicuous gap in your Penthouse collection, but she's moved up in life, and wants to talk about her current film career. This wholesome, June-Cleaver-esque story about a girl's coming-of-age story is called Excision. Also, she wants to be the Martha Stewart of Sex - but I thought that Martha Stewart was the Martha Stewart of Sex, but that might just be me being hopeful. Oh well. Plus: Lords is definitely a hot readhead. See below.


I got the new Maxim today, and I'll be damned if I didn't learn something from it. They've showed me the magic that is Bateflix, a compendium of all the available nude scenes in films available on Netflix. A finer use of an API I have never seen, although the interface and search engine need a bit of tweaking. Any which way, boobs, and that's all. By the way, the below image is a wordcloud of their search engine results, which means that rape and blowjobs rule the day. I'm not sure if that means there's more interest in rape and blowjobs, or that there's less movies with them and thus requiring more searching. I totally forgot, I'm thinking too hard about this: boobs.

Total Recall Boobs!

My college buddies only wanted to see Total Recall when it came out because of the promise of a tri-tittied hooker in it, and although I don't think they got the movie, they sure did get a good look at a ten-foot-tall multi-boobed woman, so they were happy. You may have heard there's a Total Recall remake coming out, and, sure enough, they gotta throw in a three-boobed woman in there. It wouldn't be Total Recall without her. Note the clumsily-positioned strip of fabric; I'll bet she's anatomically correct, just like the original, under there.


Porn Is Evil!

Time to set up the DVD player, gentlemen: a new movie is coming out called Harmless, and here's the synopsis. "It's the story about a husband and father and his battle with a box of porn that is found in the closet." Now, I've battled with boxes of porn before, and their vulnerabilities are limited, but I think I could take out a whole box of porn in less than the length of a feature film. The guy in the synopsis is a Christian, of course, so we can't expect him to be able to put up much of a fight, least of all against porn of all things. Christian obsession over pornography proves just how deadly a pair of boobs can truly be, I guess I'm just acclimated -- like The Dread Pirate Roberts of pornography or something. The trailer and poster apprently are trying to say that women with their hair combed over their faces randomly appear when you watch too much porn, and it hasn't happened to me yet, so my porn consumption must still be within acceptable parapsychological tolerances.

Talk About Penises!

I'm behind the curve a bit, as this is the first time I've heard about this documentary My Penis And Everyone Else's, from 2007. It documents one British gentleman's struggle with having a tiny penis, and how the world around us deals with penises in general. For as obsessed as culture is with how women look, penis self-image tends to be ignored or banished into one of two extremes: bigger is better, or size doesn't matter. The guy in the documentary shows that it's a bit more complicated than just that simple dichotomy. Go watch the entire documentary here.

Joel McHale: Sexiest Man Alive!

And this, right here, is why I'd fuck the hell out of Mr. Joel McHale. Of course, the punchline is at the end, and deserves patience. Enjoy. Apparently this has something to do with People's Sexiest Man Alive, because they want to reinforce that sexy is funny. Duh, People...duh.

Donkey Penis Movie!

Leave it to Hong Kong. They've put all of the best parts of the Asian film market into one feature film: action, adventure, 3D techniques, historical drama, and a man with a donkey's penis attached to his groin. Apparently, if Wikipedia is to be trusted, it's an adaptation of an old story, making Chinese folk tales the awesomest in the world. The opening of 3D Sex and Zen beat the highest film opening ever: Avatar, which should remind people that the only way to beat giant blue catpeople is with a giant donkey cock. Yes, I totally expect Google results to come in for "beat giant catpeople donkey cock", which totally makes the world a better place. Official site is here, and there's lots of YouTube stuff, too.

Movie Cunnilingus!

Indie darling Greta Gerwig is pleased that women are getting more cunnilingus in film lately. All those poor movie characters, going right from undressing to penetration: nobody has thought of their pleasure, have they! Gerwig also noted that in Europe, nobody asked her about the cunnilingus, while US reporters always did, because (as you'll note from yesterday's post), the US can't handle sex depicted normally - ew, gross! Maybe she's got the key to counteracting the Jersey Shore's redardation: more cunnilingus in film. This has to me the most awesome sentence I have ever written.

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