Lego Blowjob!
Sorry if the headline got you excited: no, there's no Lego blowjob. Not anymore. The lawyers decided that Christy Mack's offer of a blowjob for the best lego creation was a bad idea. Last week, she innocently tweeted that she likes Legos, and she likes giving blowjobs, so why not put the two together? Legal liability, that's who, according to the lawyers. So, you're more than welcome to keep building things out of Legos, just don't expect a pornstar to suck your dick for it.
Via.
Be Careful Ladies!
You aren't being very careful, fashionable women: injuries while shaving your genitals is too, too high. Largely, the problem affects women in their twenties and thirties - but men in their thirties and forties. One: ladies, be careful, we like our vulvas intact. Guys: I know the rumour is that shaving makes your junk look bigger, but that's an old wives' tale, so unless you're trying to attract old wives (not that there's anything wrong with that) you should just leave your pubes alone. I'm a fan of a little furriness down there, so trim, gentleman and ladies, don't shave: it's too dangerous.
Fleshlight Inventor!
Ever wanted to know who came up with the Fleshlight? Here's the whole sordid, nasty story, and by "sordid and nasty" I mean "logical development of a well-selling product by an entrepreneur who wanted to quit his day job". Dirty, dirty stuff. I still don't own one, despite all of Kevin Smith's encouragement, and I've used a rubber vagina before so I'm not too squicked out by the idea -- but if buying a Fleshlight will help make prosthetic feet for elephants, I may have to start saving my pennies. For the elephants, of course.
Pay Your Taxes!
It's that time of year, people: pay your taxes, lest you end up like erotica writer Zane, who is short over a third of a million dollars on her taxes at the moment. Damn, if I sold that much erotica that I'd owe that much in state taxes, pat me on the back, because that means I made it. Who knows if that tax due is 100% accurate, though, who knows where the state got their data, but even at half that just goes to show how much money there is in erotca today.
Via.
Andi And Madden Soapy!
You know what? Normally, I'd like to get in on this, but today I'd rather watch a while. My bathtub is rarely a two-gal experience, it'd be a waste to move things along too quickly. 
Watch The Video >>
Smiling Vagina!
In Sweden, artist Carolina Falkholt was commissioned to paint a large mural in a new secondary school (about 7th grade to 10th grade in the US), with the subject related to technology, science and the school's proximity to the sea. What did Falkholt paint? A huge happy vagina! School hasn't started yet, so no fragile little darlings have been damaged by the painted vagina at this time, but people are anxiously wondering what will happen when that time comes. First of all: murals don't go up in twenty minutes; someone saw what was going on and thought, "eh, I trust this artist's sensibility." Second: vagina? Really? Someone better look through their anatomy books: that's a vulva, sir. However, this is evidence of why Sweden is the kind of place I should be living: for one, that they've got artists around who think, "school full of minors? Vagina it is!", and nobody bothered to check with the artist that this wasn't some horrible mistake -- and, finally, rather than swiftly painting over it before anyone could see it, everyone said, "hold on, let's talk about this", including the principal himself, thus getting the artwork into every damned newspaper and news website in Sweden, ensuring every one of the school's future students can take a good, long look at it. Skal, Sweden!
Push-Up Muscles!
If you're a guy of a certain age, this website is for you. Look at these shirts - they take your flabby goo-bags and push them into places so they look like muscles! Lots of good advice, here, in general. And, we all make mistakes.
Vegas Porn!
In sad news, pornographers are pulling up their California roots and moving to Las Vegas over the condom laws. Is it really that big of a deal, that you'd move your entire business? I suspect the devil's in the details - people have been wearing condoms in porn a long time, there's more to the law than just that - but when your business is moving to a place due to its lax worker safety laws, you might want to think about that logic.
Via.
Artisan Dildos!
All-natural and green products of the Body Shop are surprisingly devoid of sexual-wellbeing products. The Vermont Pleasures is out to change that! Artisinal lube, a Sherpa dildo, shaft cozies, everything for the modern-day hippie!
Via. See also Birds with Human Penises *
Ancient Erotica!
You know this is B.C., because this art is positively sinful. Tablets depicting Mesopotamian doggystyle have been discovered, and "there's a scholarly debate over what purpose the erotic art served." No, fuckers, there's not much to debate about this. The purpose for these, despite any thin veil of religious or artistic respectability, is that people like looking at depictions of sexual acts.
Via.
Illustrators Like Girls!
Everyone knows John Kricfalusi is a famous illustrator who likes to draw sexy girls, but it should be ho surprise that all sorts of cartoonists like to draw babes. First, we have Chris Sanders, who was the designer of Lilo & Stitch:
And here are "54 International Cuties" from Pixar's Josh Cooley and Bill Presing:
Nah, nobody ever questioned that cartoonists like drawing boobs. Just look at what cartoonists did in 1943 -- it's be concerned if illustrators didn't want to draw sexy babes.
Erotica Posters!
Aside from the crushing financial collapse there, not being able to speak the language, and a lack of a passport, it seems that Eastern Europe is the place I'm supposed to be. A theatre in Poland is promoting an erotic film festival, and they've designed cheeky posters to promote it. Now you know why Tarzan screamed every time he swung through the jungle.
Via.
Spendy Penis Pumps!
We joke about five million dollar toilet seats and special bolts that cost enough to feed a family of five for a year, but sometimes the government really does spend too much money. Just look at penis pumps. Look at them. Medicaid has paid 473,620 claims, for about $175 million for penis pumps -- which count as durable medical devices, like a fake leg or crutches -- since 2006, and that's way too much money. Why get a $500 medical device when you can get a $15 one from your favorite online retailer? Do the math for Medicaid: that's $370 per pump on average. That's not bad for a high-end penis pump, but in general it looks like you can get a pretty good one for about $100. The reason is that certain things that Medicaid pays for aren't priced competitively, they are estimated based on past cost and inflation. Do they not have Google? Yeah, don't buy poor disabled people a $15 penis pump, but you can still save about half of what you're spending now, Mr. Government.
book via.
Turntable Tits!
Last week it was cold enough that your nipples could cut glass, but I still don't think they'd work very well as a turntable stylus. Didn't stop this lady from trying, though.
Aside from her amazing fashion sense, let's take a look at Boobs McGee's album collection. There's a couple more albums than in the picture below, but all together we've got:
- Getz/Gilberto: smooth bossa-nova jazz; excellent for making out.
- About the Blues, Julie London: a smoky voice and light jazz, more lovemaking music
- Revolver, The Beatles: one of the greatest albums ever made
- Strangers In The Night, Frank Sinatra: Probably the weakest of the set, but contains some of Frank's most iconic songs.
- More Encore Of Golden Hits, The Platters: A cash-in reissue of lesser-known songs -- and I actually enjoy this more, since so many Platters songs get overplayed on the oldies stations.
Via.
Church Porn!
Weltbild is one of the biggest publishers in Europe, and is partly owned by a number of German Catholic diocese. But -- Fox News is on the case: Weltbild publishes perfectly legal erotic and porn, thus making the Catholic Church one of the biggest pornographers in Europe. I knew that new Pope was awesome! However, apparently this is a problem for head-up-their-ass Conservatives who think that promoting Onanism by publishing such smut is the wrong direction for the Catholic Church. Whatever, jerks; this pornography is the work of God, who do you think you are to challenge it? Yeah, doesn't feel so good when someone else is telling that to you, huh?
Picture via.
Space Sex Doll!
Dear god, no -- a five-mile tall blow-up doll is walking across the surface of planet Earth, planning a Galactus-style destruction of everything we know and love! Where are the Fantastic Four when you need them?!?
No, sorry; this is just a blow up doll that was sent into space to prove its quality as a toy. It was only moderately successful; it made it up to a hundred thousand feet -- or about 20 miles -- before it was released and tried to parachute back to Earth. The parachute tore off her arms, so, well, now I have to cross that off my to-do list.
Fake Dick Shorts!
Southeast Asia has a problem with guys violating women's personal space. As a way to discourage roaming hands, Thai manufacturer Headmuns is selling a new deterrent: women's panties with a fake penis built in. See the banned commercial here. Now, I think this will work the wrong direction for a lot of guys, if the amount of ladies-with-penis porn on the internet tells me anything. But, at the very least, having a fake penis is one step up from a fanny-pack: store your pencils and spare change in there! Use it to block your drafty window when you're not wearing it! Helicopter to show your dominance! There's so many more things this solves than the rape culture of South-East Asia, so I rate it FIVE STARS, BUY!
Via. I'm pretty sure it's the Thai version of FunnyOrDie, so it's probably fake. Sorry, ladyboy afficianados.
Penis Unemployment!
The moral of the story: drawing random penises is a bad idea. A guy in Wyoming handed a business card to a female customer -- who then found a hand-drawn penis on the back. The guy claimed he didn't know who drew it, but that still got him fired. Now, his former employer is fighting against his unemployment benefits. So, everyone, this cautionary tale should encourage you to always check things for drawn penises. You never know when you might inadvertently hand someone a business card, fax, divorce paperwork, credit card receipt, or any other piece of paper with dicks drawn all over it.
Gift Cards For Porn!
Did that well-meaning great-aunt give you Hobby Lobby, Home Depot, or Target gift cards for Christmas? Not want to step foot in those conservative companies? You can make better use of those unwanted gift cards by trading them for pornography! Porn purveyors Naughty America is exchanging short memberships in exchange for your unwanted gift cards. Well, not Hobby Lobby apparently; who wants to shop there anyway? The whole place is cheap-ass crafting stuff, grape vines twisted into weird shapes, and fake flowers. Hooters, neither -- but I'd say it'd be much more fitting to swap t-shirt covered boobs and a crappy beer selection for nice, naked boobs and masturbating in your living room. At the very least, if you look through the list of gift cards they accept, I'm sure you'll find plenty of politically-conservative stores to dispose of. Sure, the store got the money when the great-aunt bought the card, but you at least get the satisfaction of imagining porn stars using those cards to buy power drills and skilsaws at Home Depot.
Via.
Rugby Boobs!
Rugby, called "football" here in the States, is apparently a big thing in the U.K., for both men and women. While the men generally look like Orcs from The Hobbit, women players run the gambit from OMG to OMG. Here's the Oxford University women's rugby team, selling their 2014 calendar:
And here's the Camp Hill women's rugby team selling their own calendar:
If you read those associated articles, the Oxford one is complimentary, while they call the Camp Hill one "cringe-worthy". Fuck you, UK newspapers: Of course the hoidy-toidy Hogwarts-quality students at Oxford are going to be gorgeous women; they've got Stephen Hawking to use magic to prevent them from breaking nails and mussing up their hair. The Camp Hill women, on the other hand, look like they actually fucking play rugby.
One last point of order, though: you know what else Oxford has? Money for professional photographers and makeup. If Camp Hill had found somebody to take pictures other than some bloke with a camera-phone, they'd probably look much better, too. Buy the Oxford one here, the Camp Hill one here.
Blurred Lines Boobs!
I know, Blurred Lines is too, too rapey to truly enjoy, but the gif below is the sexiest three seconds I think I've ever seen in my life. The whole uncensored video is here, but you should just watch the gif for a while, otherwise you'll find yourself nodding your head along to the painfully catchy song about takin' a good girl who just needs to stop pretending what she doesn't want.
