Posts Tagged 'Crime'

Hawaii Hookers!

Police are pushing for a law that would let them continue to have sex with hookers before arresting them. Seeing that, to prove a woman is a prostitute, having sex is the only way to do it, they must also be pushing for laws that allow them to do drugs seized in stings to prove they're drugs, fight dogs seized when raiding dog-fighting rings to prove they're actually fighting dogs, and shoot people whenever they feel like it because, fuck living up to the laws they're entrusted to enforce, they're cops and should get to do the fun parts of illegal activities. Or, just maybe, like most other low-threat crimes, they should just stick to blatant lawbreaking and not bother having to trick criminals into providing undeniable proof of their crime.


Pay Your Taxes!

It's that time of year, people: pay your taxes, lest you end up like erotica writer Zane, who is short over a third of a million dollars on her taxes at the moment. Damn, if I sold that much erotica that I'd owe that much in state taxes, pat me on the back, because that means I made it. Who knows if that tax due is 100% accurate, though, who knows where the state got their data, but even at half that just goes to show how much money there is in erotca today.


Too Many Hooker Calls!

Police in Vancouver, Washington, tried to set up a prostitution sting recently. They placed an 'escort' ad on and waited for some unsuspecting john to call and make an appointment. Things didn't go quite as planned: the police were so overwhelmed by calls from prospective clients that they couldn't keep up. Here's a lesson, aspiring prostitutes of Vancouver: the market is fucking hot right now, get in the game!


Sex Toys Stolen!

What more heinous thing could happen than this? Several cars are broken into in one neighborhood, but one person had more than just CDs and pens from banks in their car: this woman had $500 in sex toys stolen from her trunk. Of course, they weren't "her" sex toys - they were for somebody else's bachelorette party.... riiiiighhhttt..... but if it was a bunch of stuff, it probably was really a bachelorette party. If she was doing right, $500 in good sex toys isn't really a whole lot. You can get a whole lot of stupid penis-shaped straws and blow-up sheep for $500, and it's no wonder it lived in her car. Nobody leaves the good stuff that far out of reach.


Laptop Thief Likes BBWs!

Why do laptop thieves not think every laptop has this? A man was mugged and was robbed of his laptop and credit card. What does the thief do? Uses the laptop to buy porn on the credit card. The problem is that, like most everyone who carries their laptop around, the computer has camera software that tracks and photographs the thief when compromised. Thanks to this marvel of modern technology, we all get to watch some beefy dude masturbate to BBW porn. So, really, most afternoons for me; I really should move that mirror.


Porn Collection Stolen!

Tragedy has struck the porn collecting community. Earlie Johnson...wait..really...'Earlie'?...anyway, Mr. Johnson arrived home one day to find his house had been robbed. Electronics and other valuables were missing, but the true tragedy was discovered when Earlie realized over seven thousand dollars of porn had been taken. That value was arrived at when Johnson brought his collection on PBS' Antiques Roadshow, and was given the value by those two creepy twin dudes. Anyhow, Johnson believed himself to be the most prolific collector of porn in all of Michigan, something to be proud of when you're a big black guy named "Johnson". The porn still hasn't turned up, so Earlie will have to just get his porn for free on the internet like the rest of us now.


Penis Tattoo: Useful!

If you've ever wondered why guys get penis tattoos, here you go: A gentleman has been cleared on indecent exposure charges, because he had a penis tattoo, the indecent penis did not. The accusers said nothing appeared different or odd about the penis that had been exposed on the train, but when Mr. Penis Dragon whipped his out for the courts (er, I bet it was more low-key than that), he showed his penis was anything but normal. So, men, run out today and get tattoos on your penises: it'll make sure you avoid various sex-offender crimes. Just remember it'll make you easier to catch if you do decide to show off your tattoo in public.

Medicinal Porn: OK!

The Ukraine, unaware of the "internet" which can provide pornography on everything from computers to celphones, has banned all porn unless it is medicinal. Medicinal? So, if it's used like antibiotics or morphine, it's OK so long as a doctor scribbles a prescription on paper? So, dear Ukranians, get yourself to the doctor right away: prescriptions to cure blue balls, uncontrollable fantasies, and wet dreams are in order! Being a Ukranian pharmacist has never been so much fun - calculating and measuring the dosage is the awesomest part of the day. (via)

Gym Teacher Hooker!

So, this hot gym teacher starts work as a prostitute. Business picks up, so the educator decides to make some money on the side and open a brothel. First step is to recruit his wife to help with the business. Wait, um...what? A husband and wife team have been arrested for operating a brothel, and both are cited for having sex for money. Sadly, he's now lost his job over this (which shouldn't have surprised him), but - even worse - the wife is out on bail, while he is still in custody.

Nice Guys Sex Ring!

Holy fuck, it's a good thing these guys got caught and taken off the street: "The Minnesota Nice Guys" were a group of 30 or so affluent Twin Cities men who flew in hookers for their own entertainment. As you might expect, the article is full of information on how they brutalized the women, abused children, and used drugs to control their sex partn...oh, wait: all they did was have sex with high-end call girls, such as a thirty-something ex-teacher from Colombia? Ah, it's about illegal immigrants - dear god, those monsters! It's a good thing the Violent Offender Task Force is cracking down on the Minnesota Nice Guys. They are exactly what the anti-prostitution lobbies say is the problem with prostitution.

Best Dad Ever!

Sometimes, dad's just do the right thing. When trying to figure out what to give his son as a gift, this dad was truly inspired: he decided to take his son to a prostitute, to lose his virginity. Best. Present. Ever. Apocryphally, this isn't particularly uncommon, but the stars weren't aligned for this dad - he got caught in a prostitution sting. The judge felt for the father's attempt at being a good daddy, and let him go without any jail time. Thank god for reasonable judges! No word on the state of the son's virginity, especially now that it is prime-time news.