Posts Tagged 'Audio'

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Songs About Dicks!

Saweetie knows her type and he's got eight inches in his pants, and I'm surprised just how often this song gets played on the radio -- you'd think a song that explicitly talks about fucking a big dick would raise somebody's eyebrows, but I'm not complaining...this is just one in a long line of songs about dicks that made airplay.

My Ding-A-Ling, Chuck Berry

A favorite of tweens given how blatantly penis- and masturbation-related it is despite its innocent lyrics and cheery tune (plus its sing-along refrain) make this one of the best of the dick reference tunes; it doesn't really have anything to do with size, but is more about proper care and handling of a ding-a-ling.

Big Ten Inch, Aerosmith

Along the same lines of My Ding-A-Ling, Aerosmith also packed some innuendo into a classic rock tune, bragging about how much his girl wants his big-ten-inch....record, although the verse leading up to it doesn't really sound like she's interested in anything that goes on a turntable.

Slide It In, Whitesnake

"It", of course, is his penis. By today's standards lyrics that consist of "you act like you don't want my dick, but I know you do" don't really fly, even though they still get a bit of airplay; however for the early 80s hair-band vibe this was par for the course for announcing sexual prowess. It's about the guy's desire, and the woman will catch up later.

Sledgehammer, Peter Gabriel

I mean, usually Peter Gabriel lyrics are pretty much abstract free verse that there's no point in trying to understand, but sometimes things come together, like everything in Sledgehammer; it's all about pounding, bumping, opening up sweet fruitcakes and feeding the rhythm, it just falls short of explicitly saying 'yeah, we're fucking in this verse'.

Short Dick Man, Gilette

It was years before I heard the uncensored one, since the 'short short man' version got some airplay in the 90s. While the 'short short' version tries a hand at obscuring the truth with overdubs and censorship noise, this version just gives up on any sort of innuendo and just says, nope, short dick men are unacceptable.

Work It, Missy Elliot

We're into the inverse of guys singing about how great their dicks are - society has given women the power to explicitly like sex, too, and Missy Elliot is definitely making that point in this song. If you've got a big [elephant noise], she wants it; I've always hoped there was an uncensored version where she actually says 'cock', but leaving that sound effect in keeps the naughty, irreverent blue humor of the rest of the song intact, and confuses enough people that KitKats used the song to sell how much their candy wanted to suck your dick or something.

Peacock, Katy Perry

I'm sure plenty of dick-pic jerks think this is speaking to them, but all Katy Perry is trying to say is she wants to see your peacock...cock....cock. And why not? When Katy Perry says to whip it out, you do not leave her disappointed. As a song, it's pretty weak sauce, but at least she's getting her point across.

Anaconda, Nicki Minaj

Women want dick, and being able to sing about it without hiding it behind naiive and innocent innuendo is long past, like miss Minaj here, who likes guys whose dick is as big as a tower. Liberally sampling Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back, it not only acts as an homage but also a response that although guys like a nice ass, women with the nice ass can like a dick right back.

(10/30/19: Edited because I fucking forgot Missy Elliot)

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

It has always been a little creepy, but the All Christmas All The Time radio station plays it every couple hours, so it can't be all that bad, right? Em & Lo go through, line by line, analyzing the rapey song "Baby It's Cold Outside", and I think it pretty much, difinitively, shows that lady should really go, despite the temperature outdoors

They include a clip from the movie "Neptune's Daughter", which features the song acted out by Star Trek's Kahn, who physically stops the woman, grabs her, and generally acts like a Star Trek villain -- but then halfway through it switches tracks, and has Red Skelton fending off a rapey woman with the roles reversed. Sorry, still in appropriate, 1940s America. The argument is often that the person refusing sex in the song is doing it demurely, to not seem too anxious to hop in bed -- interestingly, in the video, the woman appears to finally, voluntarily give in to Kahn's advances, but the guy with the woman? He, clearly, is physically restrained and can't escape, and with fear in his eyes the woman turns off the lights. Don't congratulate him, he's gonna need counseling when she's done. "Baby It's Cold Outside" should probably be retired, and if the fear in Red Skelton's eyes doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.


Pornhub Records!

PornHub, the king of adult tube sites, is branching out into other media by establishing its own record label called Pornhub Records. It would appear that Pornhub Records isn't about releasing pornographic records, but instead focusing on NV-17-level music for its customers, sort of a culture-filling product. They don't have any albums out yet, although there's apparently a contest to write their theme song. My tip: go the Gilligan's Island route and start with the structure of the song "Mary Had A Little Lamb" and go from there: it's a guaranteed winner.

Rammstein Dildos!

Rammstein, being, well, Rammstein, released a box set of their album Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da, complete with six rubber penises. Here's a description:

This unique version of Rammstein's sixth studio album, Liebe Ist Fur All Da, comes expansively packaged in a flight case style box. The package contains: the deluxe edition version of the album, six sex toys (numerically corresponding to each member of the band), handcuffs and lubricant.

Sadly, the dildos weren't molded from the bandmembers, but beggars can't be choosers when it comes to a dildo ensemble.

Being a limited edition and all, it's not in "print" anymore, but even Amazon shows it as available from some sellers.


Car Exhaust Speakers!

Looking like a statue of a running octopus, iXoost is a speaker made from a racecard exhaust header. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. Not only that, it's an iPod dock, because if there's one thing you want to do with thousands of dollars of speakers is make it primarily compatible with a meh-level audio source. But, when the objective is to look good, I guess this is a step up from Bose, so I'm sure there's an audience for these out there.


Quality Vinyl!

Vinyl is still making an amazing comeback, but if you've got the time here's an excellent read on how there's more to a quality vinyl album than the medium. It's mostly for musicians wanting to release on vinyl, but I still found it interesting, if only to remind me that the audio that gets cut into the vinyl is ultimately the most important part of the record.



Recently, somebody tried selling a Wangcaster on Craigslist.
Yes, you read that right: a Wangcaster. It's apparently a guitar shaped like a huge penis with balls, apparently to clue in really, really stupid people that don't get the symbolism of a regular guitar's shape in a man's hands. A little detective work proves the Craigslist guy stole the image from here, which proves that the guitar in the picture belongs to a guy in the Japanese band Tainted DickMen. Shame on you, Craigslist dude: everyone knows the best way to gain attention is to post your own big penis, not the musical penis of a Japanese rock star.

Bass Egg!

There's a soon-to-be-released product called the Bass Egg, which is pretty much a speaker without a cone: it's designed to make any surface the woofer cone, in theory with the right surface it'll be more effective than a regular speaker. Now, Howard Stern knows how to use bass to a woman's benefit, so you audiophile guys better have one installed in the bedroom. Disconnect the midrange and tweeters, crank up the Skrillex, and she'll reach orgasm before the drop.


MidMod Record Console!

Now this is stylish: a midcentury-modern styled record storage shelf with built-in turntable. I like that sloped shelf underneath - perfect for flipping through albums while keeping them relatively flat. The best thing is, anyone with a modicum of woodworking skills could reproduce this with a few basic tools, like those old 'make your own modern furniture' books from the '50s.


Turntable Tits!

Last week it was cold enough that your nipples could cut glass, but I still don't think they'd work very well as a turntable stylus. Didn't stop this lady from trying, though.

Aside from her amazing fashion sense, let's take a look at Boobs McGee's album collection. There's a couple more albums than in the picture below, but all together we've got:

Unfortunately, I don't have a high enough resolution picture to tell what her nipple-singles are.


Passion For Vinyl!

Writer Robert Haagsma has put together a coffee-table book for lovers of vinyl. Called Passion For Vinyl, Haagsma has compiled photos, trivia, and interviews with Henry Rollins and a bunch of northern-european names. Sorry, I'm not quite culturally literate to know them all -- which is why I need this book, right? Doesn't seem to be available in the U.S. (maybe here?), so sorry Secret Santa, you're going to come up short this year I guess. It comes with a 45rpm 7" single, which slips into the book cover, making it the most epic liner notes ever.

Vinyl Still Growing!

As we've noted just a couple months ago, vinyl sales continue to climb, this time with info from the UK, which has hit a half a million in vinyl sales for the first time in a decade. Yeah, that's only 1%, but that's doing a lot better than tapes, Minidiscs, reel-to-reel, 8-Track, and wax cylinder combined. One dumb statistic: almost 4% of vinyl purchasers admit to not owning a turntable, which means hipsters have spread to the British Isles already.

Press Your Ashes!

Looking for a unique way to store your remains after death? And Vinyly will take your cremated ashes and press them into a vinyl record. You get to decide what's on the album, so make sure you get your tracks on tape before you sluff off this mortal coil. Just make sure nobody sticks the album in a Ronco record vacuum, those things clean away all sorts of dust, including you.


Make A Guitar!

So, you bought a bunch of woodworking tools, and all you've made so far is 54 of those "old lady butt" cut-outs for people's flower gardens? Pick up your tools and do something awesome: make yourself a guitar by buying this DVD at Amazon. It's only the beginning: you'll be making a double bass before you know it, and that kinda looks like old-lady ass if you look at it right.


Topless For Axl!

When I go to concerts, sure, there's cool music, but nothing amazing ever happens. At the concerts I've seen, whan a fan jumps on state they just get thrown off by security. When you're Axl Rose, the fan takes off their top and shows their tits to everyone. You can watch the full video of her 'assets' here.


Vinyl Sales Up!

For several years now, vinyl record sales have been continuing to rise from their near-death slump in the early 1990s. That includes turntable sales, which are seeing smaller growth, which means either people are buying more second-hand turntables, dusting off their own old turntables, or turntable owners are simply just buying more vinyl. Top selling vinyl albums? Hipster stuff, the Beatles, and Adele. Adele sold so many albums in the past years in every format, I'm sure most of her numbers for vinyl were split between people who could find no other copy of Adele's album, and well-meaning grandparents who haven't heard of any newer audio formats and couldn't find the tape cassette section in Sam Goody's.


Grado Mahogany Headphones!

Grado Labs has been producing high-quality phonograph styluses since the 1950s, but today I just learned that Grado also makes these gorgeous mahogany headphones. Since they come from Grado, I expect them to conform to their usual high standards of audio quality, even if I'm not so sure that a ring of hardwood provides much difference in sound from a three-inch transducer. I suspect they reduce weight, which would be nice. I speak of this in the theoretical, because I'm going to have to work my ass off to ever afford a pair. Maybe someday, kids.


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