More apps designed to assist the sexually-deficient: Lick This App is a touchscreen game designed to train your tongue for the licking gymnastics required for cunnilingus. About the only thing I've read regarding this app is "ewwwww, phones are gross!" Fucker, mostly what touches your phone is your finger and your cheek -- sure, that finger has been in your nose, but I'll be damned if it didn't touch your mouth directly at some point, like the phone somehow makes it worse. My StarTAC won't play this game, not enough RAM I guess, but if I ever encounter it in person I'll bet even I can learn something about clit-licking from this app. Even Olympic athletes continue to train after winning the gold.

Via, app designed by Christ Allick. al-LICK, get it?

Ladies, do you find giving a blowjob boring, ineffective, and unpleasant? Here's how to turn that around. Blowjob expert Joanna Van Vleck can show you how to give a blowjob that is better for you than him. Apparently, part of the process is called Orgasmic Meditation, where one person "gently strokes the other partner's clitoris for 15 minutes." Jesus Christ, if I stroked any woman's clitoris for fifteen minutes, I'm pretty sure she'd be pretty worked up by the time the egg-timer dinged. Cosmo, surprisingly, wasn't overly positive about it, but sucking cock isn't for everyone I guess.

Indie darling Greta Gerwig is pleased that women are getting more cunnilingus in film lately. All those poor movie characters, going right from undressing to penetration: nobody has thought of their pleasure, have they! Gerwig also noted that in Europe, nobody asked her about the cunnilingus, while US reporters always did, because (as you'll note from yesterday's post), the US can't handle sex depicted normally - ew, gross! Maybe she's got the key to counteracting the Jersey Shore's redardation: more cunnilingus in film. This has to me the most awesome sentence I have ever written.

Guys, write this down on a post-it, and stick it to that slowly-decomposing condom in your wallet: A guy that is good with his hands and his tongue is a KEEPER. If you can polish a pearl until a womans eyes roll back in her head, then you my friend will always be invited into a bed.. As an expert pearl-polisher, I can verify that this is one-fucking-hundred-percent true. (via)

The soverign and independent Sioux nation of South Dakota will provide Planned Parenthood services, on tribal land, handled by the tribe, and free from state law. a-HA, American oppressors, didn't count on that, did you? I'd be remiss, however, to point out that Pine Ridge is historically tied to the Wounded Knee Massacre; the government would be wise to learn from history, but that hardly seems likely given today's standards for logic.

No little mermaid nipples, please! Well, there are a lot of supporters who believe the statue, commissioned for display by a community center, should keep its nipples, but the more easily offended of the community would like her nippleless. Well, you know, she has huge breasts, but nipples only cheapen them, I suppose. What's wrong with nipples on a statue of an inhuman sea creature, anyways?

Comics can be pornographic, but libraries and parents aren't sure what to do about it. Very suggestive manga from Japan is finding its way into public libraries -- even into the kids' sections, because of it's cartoony nature -- much to the surprise of parents expecting Pokemon and Spirited Away. No doubt there's teens out there who happily get their porn jollies without the stigma of getting caught with a Playboy under the bed, entirely with the help of their parents' library account.

A female jailer can not be fired for orally servicing a coworker on the job, says the Nevada corrections board. The Lovelock Correctional Facility must be too provocative of a name to completely prevent a little lockdown lovin', but kudos to her for fighting the termination: the penis in question wussed out and quit his job after their tryst was discovered.

A 'cunt' appeared in the newspaper, in the form of the book, Cunt: A Declaration of Independence, carried by an Abu Graib witness. It's no wonder the Army is going to hell, what with all the feminists they're letting in -- they're all loose cannons, I tells ya!