The Internet Archive has thousands of old DOS-based videogames backed up, complete with a browser emulator so you can play them online. Gizmodo dug through everything and found some of the old porn video games are there, too. Gizmodo left out the most important one: several versions of Leisure Suit Larry are there! Plus, there's a bunch I've never heard of -- I'm sure "Spear of Destiny", "Guldkorn Expressen", and "Tommy's Gorilla Balls" must be pornographic somehow, just based on the names.

Sex always drives the leading edge of technology, so it should be no surprise that one of the cutting-edge videogames was Softporn, a text-adventure for your penis. It was designed by a computer programmer, but bought and distributed by one of the biggest adventure-style game developers at the time. That sexy, topless woman on the right? One of the greatest minds in puzzle-adventure games. Later, Sierra used more advanced computer technology, added graphics and animation, and rebranded Softporn as Leisure Suit Larry.

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People get their panties in a bind about GTA's "Hot Coffee" patch or nude mods for Skyrim, or even overtly-porny Japanese video games, but they're nothing new: there was a big market in pornographic Atari games in the eighties, in all their low-res glory. You might think they're lame, but back in those days, if you didn't have Atari porn, you were watching the scrambled Cinemax channel hoping to catch a glimpse of boobs: these games were miles better, if you could trick your parents into buying them for you.

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Video game company Crytek has a new game called Ryse, taking place in Ancient Rome, but there's something a bit confusing about the ancient Romans: their boobs are apparently affected by forces unknown to man. I suppose this weird boob bouncing seen in the clip below is actually the doing of the Gods, like everything else in ancient Roman videogames. The programmers of Ryse aren't doing nerd-dom any favors by making it appear that they've never seen boobs in motion before. If there's anything 3D artists love it's to have a live example to base their math on - the video game company should have afforded at least a couple hundred bucks to pay a woman to walk around a while, if only to improve office morale rather than making everyone look like idiots by depicting a woman with rubbery detached breasts that have a life of their own.

After an off-the-cuff comment about how, if programmers are trying to make boobs behave realistically in video games, they should include bra shopping horrors and mammograms, one guy decided to make it a reality. He set up the site The BoobJam, and has asked for submissions from creative types, asking them to create video games that treat the female breast in a realistic way -- and not just constant heaving and thrusting. I suppose if you include some of that you'll be fine, but it shouldn't be the focus of these pixellated boobs for BoobJam. I'm no programmer but I do know a couple - maybe I should think up a game for them to make. If I don't come up with one, at least I will have spent a couple weeks thinking about boobs, so it's a win-win as far a I'm concerned.

In 1992, cyberpunk was the way of the future -- everything was "cyber" this and "e-" that and "web" those, and if you were the lucky kind of person that had a PC and didn't have a parent looking over your shoulder, you could play a naughty game like Sim-U-Sex, the sex simulation game of the future! Me, I masturbated to Leisure Suit Larry and I was plenty happy about it. More images here, and you can download it here.

While it may seem that the XBox Kinect is only good for dancing games, one company has decided to make the 2nd most obvious use of the technology their main goal. Gamelink intends to create the first Kinect porn movie...game...masturbatory aid? Whatever they want to call it, they're not even sure how to make it work - so they want you to tell them the most perverted way to use the same machine your kids play Lego Harry Potter on. The main reason I want to see this become real is the eventual YouTube videos of drunk people playing these games at frat parties. That shit's gonna be hilarious.

Aria Aspen is going to shoot the fuck out of you, so watch your back. This video is from Circus Hooker Slut Regime's series Gameplay Girls, which intends to emulate a FPS-style video game, but with real naked women, gunshot noises, freeze rays, and even mind control thrown in. It has a bit of everything for people who wish their videogames were more porny, and as a series the previews show everything from more FPS to Mortal-Kombat style arenas. The studio was nice enough to send me & Gracie a review copy of this particular episode. It does what it says on the lid: you follow Aria through a maze of hallways, avoiding being shot (keep your eye on your stats meter, kids), making use of the freeze ray to stop her movement for a better look, and tops it off with some mostly-nudity towards the end. It's all cheesecake, and at 10min long the gameplay style doesn't overstay its welcome. The style is a lot like most fetish-style videos, heavy on the fetish and less on straight-up nudity and sex, which wasn't quite right for Gracie and me, but will no doubt fulfill the right guys. Me, this is what got me off, but I've never been much of a gamer, I guess.

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See, folks, this is why Pong existed in a flat plane. The peaks and valleys would totally throw off the cursor motion. Just look at this - the ball would totally bounce off the boobs, interrupting gameplay. Somebody should have put more thought into stretching videogames over tits.

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There's a super-gory videogame out called Splatterhouse, and part of their promotion they got one of the charaters to pose naked for Playboy. No shit, she's a computer-generated naked woman. Those ITT commercials need to put this stuff in their commercials: "I was a fucking loser before going to ITT, and now I spend all day rendering realistic nipples for videogames. There is a god!"

Review of the game, and the centerfold at Playboy.com, however I've got a larger scan of the "Miss Splatterhouse" centerfold here.

Japan has been cracking down on obscene video games - or at least how they present themselves. Kotaku has a list of the banned words at one game-download website. Come on - I learned Flash just so I could finally make my incest-train groping-slave bestiality-school council-threats video game that I've always wanted. Darn you, Japan, ruining everyone's video game rape fun!

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